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My brother teaches 7th grade English. Every once in a while he will send me some funny excerpts from journals, quizzes, and other assignments done by his students (of course I guess this could also be seen as sort of sad - haha):

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Creative Writing

· I would not eat or kill animals unless it was an ant or something, but I wouldn't eat the ants.

· Hunting is a fun way to spend an afternoon. You get to walk through the woods and see animals. Then you get to kill them.

· Vampire bats drink blood everyday. They can consume the amount of blood equal to the amount of 25 cows.

· Giraffes are the only animal that needs 5 minutes of sleep in a 24 hour period. This is because their neck is so long.

· If I couldn't read, I'd die or explode, whichever came first.

· If I couldn't read, I would not like it because it would be hard to have a job. You would not know how to write. And then you would die.

· Manicotti is very easy to make, almost "goof proof" First get some ricotta cheese and manicotti noodles. Then, boil the noodles. I forget the rest, but they taste good when they're done.

· After breakfast, we went to San Francisco, home of Rice-A-Roni.

· How do stoplights work? I always thought there was a little man in the stoplight and he told the cars when to stop and go. I would like to have the stoplight job.

· I'm going to be a doctor at WVU and being a pediatrician because kids always laugh at me. I mean little kids.

· What if I were ruler of the world? It would be OK because I could get anything I wanted. But I would have guards around me all the time and I have no privates.

· I wouldn't care if I had to live with aliens as long as they didn't give me some kind of slime to eat.

Definitions -

bedlam- A bed.

cowling- A baby cow.

squadron- A bird with no feathers.

vital- Organs that you can't live without.

compensation- When you compare something with something.

water moccasin- A waterproof Indian shoe.

writhe- A Spanish tree in some rich guys house.

instinct- Something that is done without you doing it.

lather- Foam and rabies.

scrutinize- Lie, cheat, steal, or kill in the big house.

climax- The climax is very similar when they say that the climax is cool today.

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for
weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!!

We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo,
run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"

(Scroll down, it's worth it)

"ees... a.... Ham bush"