10 Surefire Ways To Lose Your Man Card

The Bee ^ | Aug 21, 2005 | The Bee

[dayglored]

The world needs men. Sadly, however, many men are shirking their God-given responsibilities these days to live like little fancy boys.

To guard against this spreading loss of masculinity, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of guaranteed ways to lose your "man card."

1. Linger too long on the soccer game while flipping through the channels: If your eyes cause you to sin by watching a gay sport, pluck them out.

2. Not really know what a "joist" is: If you don't know, maybe ask your wife, since she probably wears the pants in your household.

3. Go to therapy: Admitting you're struggling is the first step... to losing all credibility as a man.

4. Wear a San Diego Padres City Connect jersey: Even women don't wear that much pink.

5. Using any emoji other than "thumbs up": All other emojis are for ladies. Are you a lady?

6. Use a napkin: You've got a perfectly good shirt sleeve right there.

7. Moisturize: Soft skin is for babies.

8. Ask for help at Home Depot: Jesus, the perfect standard of masculinity, never once asked for help at Home Depot.

9. Fold laundry: Just wad them up and throw them somewhere like a real man.

10. Sneeze quietly: It's common knowledge that 190 dB is the minimum acceptable male sneeze volume.

If you've done any of the things listed above, it may already be too late for you.

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TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; bathing; mancard; satire

[ansel12]

One thing about Home Depot, they will ALWAYS answer your question, and do it without knowing what the real answer is.

[Texas Eagle]

Videotaping yourself declaring yourself a Swiftie.

Being a Swiftie.

[Texas Eagle]

Shimmying your shoulders when you talk.

[AndyJackson]

Loathsome cannot lose what he never had.

[john316]

13. Order a Bud lite @ Cracker Barrel on your way to Disney World

[shotgun]

The only time I ask for help at Home Depot or Lowes is to get the forklift to bring down the pallet of stff I need.

I miss the days where I could run the big saw or pipe threading machine.

[Tell It Right]

Having a long keychain.

Asking for directions.

Letting your wife talk you into going to a woke church (exception is if you go there to do missionary work).

Taking more than 3 tries to back a trailer.

[HereInTheHeartland]

Driving a electric vehicle

[Dutch Boy]

I had my man card temporarily suspended many years ago. My offense was that I stopped to ask for directions with a car filled with coworkers, including a female. It’s a mark on my permanent record.

[larrytown]

#8 - “I know more than you.”

[Fireone]

“I miss the days where I could run the big saw “
I still do, did I miss a memo, or something?

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

A man bun is acceptable if you are a sumo wrestler or a samurai. Otherwise you are just a poser and deserve to be sneered at. :)

[NorthMountain]

Real men don’t worry about lists of things that will cost you your “man card”.

Real men are comfortable in their own skin, and do whatever they bloody well want ...

[AF_Blue]

11. Fart quietly: Warn people in the area there's one coming in. The only exception is when you're carpet-bombing in Home Depot, then it's Silent But Deadly (SBD).

[AF_Blue]

11. Belch quietly: it's rude not to complement the cook.

[bray]

Carry a water bottle around.

[one guy in new jersey]

Seek help.

[NorthMountain]

don’t need to ...

[metmom]

This is FUNNY.

[dznutz]