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10 Surefire Ways To Lose Your Man Card
The Bee ^
| Aug 21, 2005
| The Bee
Posted on 08/25/2025 10:09:46 AM PDT by dayglored
The world needs men. Sadly, however, many men are shirking their God-given responsibilities these days to live like little fancy boys.
To guard against this spreading loss of masculinity, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of guaranteed ways to lose your "man card."
- Linger too long on the soccer game while flipping through the channels: If your eyes cause you to sin by watching a gay sport, pluck them out.
- Not really know what a "joist" is: If you don't know, maybe ask your wife, since she probably wears the pants in your household.
- Go to therapy: Admitting you're struggling is the first step... to losing all credibility as a man.
- Wear a San Diego Padres City Connect jersey: Even women don't wear that much pink.
- Using any emoji other than "thumbs up": All other emojis are for ladies. Are you a lady?
- Use a napkin: You've got a perfectly good shirt sleeve right there.
- Moisturize: Soft skin is for babies.
- Ask for help at Home Depot: Jesus, the perfect standard of masculinity, never once asked for help at Home Depot.
- Fold laundry: Just wad them up and throw them somewhere like a real man.
- Sneeze quietly: It's common knowledge that 190 dB is the minimum acceptable male sneeze volume.
If you've done any of the things listed above, it may already be too late for you.
TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; bathing; mancard; satire
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Don't forget:
Wash your hands more than once a day: Dirt and grease enhance the taste of manly food.
1
posted on
08/25/2025 10:09:46 AM PDT
by
dayglored
To: dayglored
Oops, actual article date is Aug 21, 2025 not Aug 21, 2005.
2
posted on
08/25/2025 10:12:22 AM PDT
by
dayglored
(This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalms 118:24)
To: dayglored
To: dayglored
4
posted on
08/25/2025 10:14:08 AM PDT
by
PeterPrinciple
(Thinking Caps are no longer being issued, but there must be a warehouse full of them somewhere)
To: dayglored
5
posted on
08/25/2025 10:15:11 AM PDT
by
PeterPrinciple
(Thinking Caps are no longer being issued, but there must be a warehouse full of them somewhere)
To: dayglored
Offering to give your wife a foot massage.
6
posted on
08/25/2025 10:15:38 AM PDT
by
Huskrrrr
(Alinsky, you magnificent Bastard, I read your book!)
To: dayglored
11. Wear pink Spandex pants.
12. Go to Yoga.
To: dayglored
To: dayglored
9
posted on
08/25/2025 10:19:35 AM PDT
by
Bigg Red
( Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.)
To: Huskrrrr
Offering to give your wife a foot massage.
~~~
10
posted on
08/25/2025 10:19:56 AM PDT
by
z3n
(Kakistocracy)
To: dayglored
I used a napkin. I’m wearing a short sleeve Rush Limbaugh polo shirt.
To: dayglored
Damn,..I do half these things. I better get a boyfriend
12
posted on
08/25/2025 10:21:52 AM PDT
by
Az Joe
(Live free or die)
To: dayglored
13
posted on
08/25/2025 10:22:07 AM PDT
by
MayflowerMadam
(It's hard not to celebrate the fall of bad people. - Bongino)
To: MayflowerMadam
14
posted on
08/25/2025 10:23:26 AM PDT
by
Sirius Lee
("Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”)
To: MayflowerMadam
Sitting down to piss.
Carrying an over one shoulder bag.
15
posted on
08/25/2025 10:24:16 AM PDT
by
sgt_lau
(Reject islam. They really do want to kill you.)
To: Az Joe
Damn,..I do half these things. I better get a boyfriend....
Good.....b/c no woman on earth will have you.....snx.
16
posted on
08/25/2025 10:25:48 AM PDT
by
Liz
(May you be in Heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead (Irish blessing))
To: MayflowerMadam
Man bun. Dingdingding! We have a winner!
To: dayglored
Wash your hands after expressing your dog’s anal glands.
To: dayglored
Listening to and singing along with Taylor Swift.
19
posted on
08/25/2025 10:30:22 AM PDT
by
TTFlyer
(Lenin: that by the infliction of terror, a well-organized minority can conquer a nation.)
To: dayglored
I don’t get #8. What help could they possibly give me at Home Depot?
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