Posted on 11/14/2023 10:16:17 AM PST by Twotone
It's something that's been debated by Bible scholars since the Earth was created some 6,023 years ago: what will the Mark of the Beast mentioned in the book of Revelation turn out to be? Well, it will no longer be debated, because we found a Calvary Chapel pastor and asked him, and he said it will definitely be one of these 17 things -- unless something happens in the Middle East that changes his mind next week:
1. Starbucks holiday cup - If you've gotten a peppermint mocha latte this November, it may already be too late for you.
2. Disney+ subscription - Was it really worth it just to watch The Mandalorian?
3. Jamba Juice rewards punch card - When the 7th punch resounds, the Lord shall come again.
4. Man buns - Followers of the Beast are easy to spot, and gross.
5. Crocs - These holey abominations are, ironically, unholy.
6. The 1982 Iron Maiden album The Number of the Beast - Kinda obvious, in retrospect. Better burn your copy on a bonfire and pick up some DC Talk before it's too late!
7. Fanny packs - Dad goes looking for convenience and winds up a disciple of the Antichrist. Tale as old as time.
8. Any Halloween decoration at your home - Your wife may have thought that cute inflatable pumpkin was innocent, but she was really giving your home over to the Enemy.
9. The 1978 D&D Dungeon Master Guide - The later editions took out the Mark of the Beast microchips, so they are safe.
10. Apple Watch - When firmware update 6.66 hit, that should have been your first clue.
11. Any Los Angeles Dodgers gear - Obviously.
12. Wristband from Taylor Swift's Eras Tour - Obviously.
13. Ticket stub from The Marvels - This movie is woke garbage, and if you saw it, you have clearly been given over to Satan. Especially if you didn't think it was woke garbage.
14. A high ESG score - A strong diversity rating means you can participate in the economy, but oh no! You're Satanic.
15. Your finely tuned, perfectly balanced hybrid aggro/control deck in Magic the Gathering - Hope you're happy that it won the FNM tourney. You can revel in your victory IN HELL.
16. Pokemon Go - Does anyone still play this? Yes. Devil worshipers do.
17. The 666 tattoo on your hand and forehead the Biden administration will soon make you get to buy or sell goods - Kinda a gimme, but we suspect this one will be the Mark of the Beast for sure.
How many of these marks of the beast do you have in your home or on your person? Let us know in the comments, and try to collect them all!
My takeaway: Keep a Silver Bullet handy for the guy you see with a Man Bun, wearing a Fanny Pack and Crocs!
18. Reading Harry Potter.
19. Listening to Christian metal.
20. Drinking while Baptist.
21. Clapping in church that wasn't Pentecostal.
The man bun on top of the head is far worse than the man bun in the back.
The Bee usually makes me laugh, but this list gave me a particularly good chuckle. I grew up in a Pentecostal church, and it wasn't just Christian rock, but ANY rock music. It was demonized almost weekly. And let's not forget women wearing jeans...
Re: Man buns. Whenever I see one I look at the person wearing it and think: Sissy. Wuss. It really could be the mark of the devil!
They were really big on encouraging people to meditate on Jesus in your free time using whatever means spoke your language (i.e. rock music) as long as the message was louder than the medium and as long as the message was true to the Bible. But reduce how often you meditate on worldly ways (i.e. don't listen to music that pushes worldly teachings). IMHO that's sound advice no matter if we're talking about music or television or internet or whatever.
And for the past 39 years most of the music I've listened to has a Christian message (probably about 95% of more) and half of it has a rock n roll bent. LOL
what did hank say?
Dancing while Baptist............
He said, "You're not making Christianity any better; you're just making rock and roll worse."
Listening to Country Music but you can’t tell what country.................
My favorite Christian metal band;
Twisted Scripture.
Real men carry their extra cargo in fishing vests.
11. Any Los Angeles Dodgers gear - Obviously.
It took me a while to figger this one....LOL!.............
A digital Social Security Card
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