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Lia Thomas Confused As To Why Teammates Keep Asking Her To Open Pickle Jars
The Babylon Bee ^ | March 26, 2022 | The Babylon Bee

Posted on 03/28/2022 2:01:32 PM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Champion swimmer Lia Thomas (she/her) is constantly being asked by her teammates to open pickle jars, and it's reportedly causing a great deal of confusion. Thomas reports she has never been more distracted.

"I'm a teeny-tiny woman," said Thomas while effortlessly opening a pickle jar. "I don't know why they keep asking me to open these things. It's not like I'm biologically predisposed to being stronger."

"Lia, darling, can you open this jar of Vlasic for me?" asked teammate Annabelle Humphrey. "They say it's the tastiest pickle you've ever had and I've just gotta' know!"

Thomas has reportedly been confused, not only by the fact a weak and timid woman keeps having to open pickle jars but also by her team's sudden obsession with pickles.

"They don't taste that good," Thomas said. "I'm opening a dozen pickle jars a day. It's ridiculous."

Lia Thomas's swim game has been negatively impacted by the constant pickle distraction. Her last freestyle competition had her come in a full half-second slower than previously.

Her coach was distraught. "Lia almost won by less than 3 seconds. Embarrassing!"

Sources confirm she's also been asked to reach items from high shelves and clear backed-up toilets.

(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Conspiracy; Food; Health/Medicine; Humor; Local News; Miscellaneous; Society; Sports; Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; lgbt; liathomas; men; pennsylvania; philadelphia; satire; swimming; transgender; women
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To: LibWhacker
LOL, reminds me of this Far Side classic...


21 posted on 03/28/2022 2:30:11 PM PDT by dfwgator (Endut! Hoch Hech!)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Lol. I thought this was real. Or hoping..


22 posted on 03/28/2022 2:32:04 PM PDT by glimmerman70 (P)
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To: LibWhacker
German arm-wrestling champ.

He's going to go blind if he keeps that up.


23 posted on 03/28/2022 2:32:59 PM PDT by Sirius Lee (They intend to murder us. Prep if you want to live and live like you are prepping for eternal life)
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To: bray

Gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette, bray. Search your heart. You know it to be true.


24 posted on 03/28/2022 2:33:29 PM PDT by one guy in new jersey
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To: Kartographer

Lia Thomas would make a GREAT spokesperson for Subway samimch Shops


25 posted on 03/28/2022 2:35:52 PM PDT by Kartographer (“We Mutually Pledge To Each Other Our Lives, Our Fortunes And Our Sacred Honor”)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

bwahaha- and they said “pickle”


26 posted on 03/28/2022 2:40:35 PM PDT by ronniesgal (if more folks would mind their own business the world would be a better place.)
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To: bray

Is the ability to parallel park that critical a skill, at the end of the day, in the whole grand scheme of things?

Surely its worth losing that insignificant talent for the joy of becoming what you were meant to be.

Wait...there’s also the K-turn...did you think about K-turns? Giving up parallel parking AND the ability to do a K-turn? Collectively speaking, that might just be too great a sacrifice.

Parallel parking, K-turns...this business will get out if control and we’ll be lucky to live through it.


27 posted on 03/28/2022 2:42:43 PM PDT by one guy in new jersey
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Do they ask him to stop and ask for directions, too?

-PJ

28 posted on 03/28/2022 2:44:44 PM PDT by Political Junkie Too ( * LAAP = Left-wing Activist Agitprop Press (formerly known as the MSM))
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

When questioned, Thomas stated that she was the NCAA National Women’s Champion. And anyone who said otherwise could suck her. . . (evil grin)


29 posted on 03/28/2022 2:49:56 PM PDT by Salgak (You're in Strange Hands with Tom Stranger. . . .)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Maybe “she” got some of them pregnant.


30 posted on 03/28/2022 2:51:29 PM PDT by grumpygresh (Civil disobedience by non-compliance; jury and state nullification. )
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To: GrandJediMasterYoda

That Was Perfect !


31 posted on 03/28/2022 2:52:37 PM PDT by A strike ("Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into.")
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Guy walks into a bar and almost immediately gets called over to a booth by a Blonde with truly big breasts. So he goes over and says ‘Hello.’ The woman says to him, ‘Hey Brad, I am surprised that you do not recognize me.

Brad is caught off guard. ‘Who are you, how do you know my name?’

She says, ‘well, I know that I look different now, but I used to be your friend Steve. I had some procedures and now I am Deborah. I am transgendered.’ Brad is at once fascinated. Brad starts asking questions.

‘Well, what was the surgery like? Did it hurt when they cut off your penis?’ ‘Nah, that did not hurt.’ ‘Did it hurt when you had to take all of those hormone shots?’ ‘No, that did not hurt.’ Well, did it hurt when they did all that work on your skin to make your beard stop growing?’ ‘No none of that stuff hurt. Only one thing really hurt.’ ‘Really what was that?’ ‘ Well, the only thing that really hurt at all was when they drilled that hole in my head and sucked all of my brains out.’

32 posted on 03/28/2022 3:02:09 PM PDT by Radix (Politicians; the Law and the Profits )
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To: dfwgator
Haha, I competed once in California's arm-wrestling championship.

I never lost in my adult life, and I wrestled in nearly every bar in that state that I ever went into, and in many other states... plus probably a hundred guys in the Army, etc.

Then one night, in my 30s, I met a guy in Davis, CA, who beat me. Couldn't believe it. So we wrestled again a few times and he never beat me again. Doesn't mean I beat him everytime afterwards, either; we had a number of draw matches. Anyhoo, we became friends and he suggested I go with him to the next big event. So I did, and lost, BIG! To a guy half my size.

There are some really strong guys in those things. But I never saw anybody with an outsized arm, lol. And I'm having a little trouble believing it, actually.

In any athletic competition I've ever seen, you have to have a well-rounded physique; e.g., the fastest runner in the world didn't just have big muscular legs and nothing else going for him, etc.

33 posted on 03/28/2022 3:04:58 PM PDT by LibWhacker
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Wait until menopause hits him! lol
But then again, at least he won’t have any prostate problems! LMAO!!


34 posted on 03/28/2022 3:05:18 PM PDT by US_MilitaryRules
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Killing bugs and opening jars.


35 posted on 03/28/2022 3:17:50 PM PDT by Zathras
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Good one, Bee!! 😂


36 posted on 03/28/2022 3:18:35 PM PDT by Allegra
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

My girlfriend opens pickle jars with her thighs.


37 posted on 03/28/2022 4:13:38 PM PDT by bunkerhill7 (That`s 464 people per square foot! Is this corrrect..it was NYC.)
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To: LibWhacker

I had a class in Jr High, it was a speech/drama class

The biggest jock football player was always disrupting class

A few weeks into the class the little teacher challenged him to an arm wrestling match with the stakes being he would shut up and try to learn, or an automatic A- and he did not have to even attend class....


38 posted on 03/28/2022 5:34:49 PM PDT by algore
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To: decal

ROTFL!


39 posted on 03/28/2022 6:57:33 PM PDT by NetAddicted ( Just looking)
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To: GrandJediMasterYoda

ROTFL!


40 posted on 03/28/2022 6:58:08 PM PDT by NetAddicted ( Just looking)
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