Posted on 02/20/2022 6:52:47 AM PST by LibWhacker
Does anyone have any experience in getting help for a seriously disturbed friend or relative? In this case, the seriously disturbed person is our nephew, aged 38, and we're really beginning to worry about what is going to happen to him in the not-too-distant future.
He dropped out of high school in the 9th or 10th grade. I don't think he's ever read a book. He cannot hold a job: there is almost NO chance of that. In fact, I'd guess he's never held a job more than a month or two, tops.
I once caught him bringing marijuana into our house and told him it could cost his beloved aunt (my wife), who I believe he really does love, the house she worked so hard for, IF the feds found drugs in the house and decided to prosecute. He told me marijuana was now legal in Caifornia and that that could never happen. This expertise based on his experience working two weeks as a file clerk in a law firm, before they fired him for being an obnoxious so-and-so (he tried to tell them how to organize their filing system, and that the way they were doing it was beyond dumb).
When I told him he didn't know anything about the law he said, "Uncle Joe (not my real name), I know everything about the law." That based on two weeks as a file clerk in a law office!
And so it's been with every job he's ever held... He knows how to do things better than they do and always gets fired within a month or so. This has been going on for over 20 years.
His own mother can't stand him and will not allow him to come around. His father is the only person who helps him, but is old and won't be able to do that much longer.
His sister's only child is embarrassed to have him around (that niece decided he was too much of an embarrassment when she was all of seven years old) and so he can't go there anymore.
He mutters and talks and shouts to himself and erupts in scary outbursts for no apparent reason, in private and in public.
When he was young he was quite cute and went through a series of puppies he'd carry around, or lead around on a leash, to attract girls and get them in bed. But he's not cute anymore. He's scary.
Recently, doctors have prescribed anti-psychotic meds and I understand those meds help a lot. But he doesn't like them won't take them as prescribed, or at all, if you're not standing over him with a whip and forcing him to take them, which his dad is pretty much incapable of doing anymore.
I told my wife I thought he needs to be institutionalized. But she says there is no institutionalizing people like that anymore, "thanks to your hero Reagan."
Uh, WHAT???
So what to do? Any ideas? I really do want to help him but don't have a clue what to do. He's not moving in with us, that's for sure. Google, Duck Duck Go, etc., aren't much help.
When his father dies, that's when it's going to hit the fan.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
He HATES the law. According to him, they’re always rousting him, and frisking him and interfering with his business. But no sentences have been handed down yet. When his father passes and our nephew is on the street, then we’ll see...
Where do you live? There are great mental hospitals in the Boston area.
My brother-in-law and his son both got help over ten years ago. They are doing much better now.
Alcohol seemed to be a common denominator with them. Hospitalization did not fix that, however.
Unfortunately he’s too old for military school, right?
I feel bad for you. It sounds like it’s causing problems within your own household, too. It’s reasonable for you to worry about what will happen if he loses his current support system.
Have you tried talking to his dad and expressing these concerns to him? If his mom hates him and Dad is getting too old to manage him, you might want to try speaking to them both separately at first and then - if things seem to be going okay - together.
It’s pretty typical for psychotic folks not to want to take their medications even if the meds end up making them feel a whole lot better. That’s a struggle family members of mentally ill people often have.
It will indeed be very difficult for Little Timmy to be institutionalized at this point unless he gets into trouble with the law. Does he have legal issues that you know of? Does he drink and drive? Does he fight? If he has any legal issues that can be exploited, it will be helpful, but getting his parents on board first will help a lot.
If you’ve observed him doing anything illegal, or heard him talking about doing things that are illegal, you can express your concerns to law enforcement - although it’s often true, unfortunately, that they will just give you the brushoff. Cops don’t like getting involved with families who don’t quite know what to do with a mentally ill family member - they like to wait until there’s a dead body or two before doing anything about it.
If you can’t leverage his mom and dad into having him institutionalized, start thinking about all the illegal stuff you’ve seen him doing or that he’s admitted to. You confronted him about pot - I doubt if that’s the only thing he’s into that could get him into a legal hassle.
If you can stand it, try to be a bit friendlier with him and see if you can get him to talk about bad things that he’s done. Admit to having done something kinda wrong yourself and ask for his advice. (I know, that may be too much, but you’re right: He could end up causing you a serious problem.)
I’m no daisy myself - I’ve been on both sides of your issue, in fact, but in my own defense I never victimized or preyed on my family. I try to leave them out of it as much as possible and solve my problems myself. I don’t like psych meds and I won’t take them voluntarily because docs tend to be sort of heavy-handed with me, I’ve noticed. They want me so doped up that I basically become disabled.
I did have to tell my dad, who was causing me some problems, that if I ever saw him again I would call the police on him. That was our last conversation and he died in 2012. It makes me feel awful but there was nothing else I could do.
I hope you don’t end up having to do something like that, i.e., call the cops on your nephew. With any luck, having some nice discussions with his parents will start things moving in the right direction.
It takes a millage!...(ummm)...village!
Never let him stay with you.
From your writing his mental problems started long before the drugs, which are probably his attempt to medicate himself. I would call social services. Obviously keep your distance physically.
I had a friend who was pretty good when “on her meds” but not good when she refused to take them. She would drink to excess when not on the meds. She never did other drugs. She was diagnosed as Bi-polar. She had a counselor I assume she found through social services. She would go on and off her meds. Eventually she went off them and killed herself.
Never let him stay with you.
As a wise man once wrote, sometimes all you can do for people is to get out of their blast radius.
You can you them put in the hospital for a few days. My dad had to do that for my mom.
After that, you have to go to court to determine if they are unable to take care of themselves.
We were lucky, and my mom decided to stay and has stayed on medication for many years.
I’m sorry.
Sounds like my sister...a Four decade family NIGHTMARE.
There is nothing you can do....it is up to the person.
After 4 decades of hell my sister is still alive somehow now in her early 50’s living in a sober house.
She has finally settled down a bit......Thank GOD.
good luck
We had a nephew just like this. He screwed over evry friend and family member who tried to help him. Everyone tried to help give him a place to live so that he could get a job etc. He just refused to help himself. So even as much as we loved him, we all shunned him, and I mean would not even talk to him on the phone, and would call the police to have him removed off the property as trespassing every time he came around. He was all alone in the world, do or die.
This fixed him... He had no choice but to make the effort to eat and survive all on his own. He is now on his feet and independent and staying clean. Some tough love and a life of hard knocks sounds like the only thing left for you here.
“ Try not to think too much about him. He’s not ever going to change.”
That is true. They actually enjoy their insanity.
His family tried for years to help him but the meds had side-effects that he didn't like and when the drugs took effect he felt he no longer needed them. A catch-22.
I don't know if it was Reagan, but the combination of exposes on the bad conditions in some mental institutions and the focus on individual self-determination in the 60s and following led to the institutions being closed and emptied and now require the assent of the mentally disturbed for treatment. Another catch-22 as many mental conditions lead those afflicted to shun the care they need.
If your nephew is willing to engage in any level of conversation it would be helpful to find out exactly what condition he has been diagnosed with, what meds have been prescribed, and what side-effects he has suffered that discourage him from taking them. There might be better alternatives, or may be some other meds or things he can do with diet and exercise that can ameliorate the side-effects.
There also might be support groups, YouTubers, etc. relating to his condition.
In some cases a person needs to be forced against their will to do what's right for them, but unfortunately that is not allowed until after they commit a crime like the guy I mentioned in Cali or the various mentally disturbed guys who shot up schools.
He’s mentally ill, and needs medication.
My mom is a very strong Christian and bipolar. When she’s off her meds, she’s a totally different person. I’ve never heard her cuss in 60 years, but when she was off meds she cussed out my dad and the psychiatrist.
I’m not sure what drugs he’s using. I’d also wager it’s more than pot. But I just don’t know. No arrests that I know of. If there were, his father would have helped him and not told us. I think he’s a bit embarrassed.
I should have read your whole post.
You are dealing with a sociopath my sister is a alcohol obsessed sociopath.
Makes things a thousand times worse....
Maybe Carol fromThe Walking Dead can take him to look at some flowers.
If the feds come to CA to enforce fed mj law it would be for a show trial of some large grower or distributor, not to bust some dude walking into his aunt’s house with a doobie or dime bag. In fact, it’s never happened.
But some stay on their meds.
My mom has stayed on her meds for 35 years. She’s 90, and she had an antique shop until Covid 2 years ago.
She only had one real bad breakdown after my dad almost died. She got on meds, and is great!
I think she is the exception.
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