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The Babylon Bee Guide To Being Woke
The Babylon Bee ^
| February 11, 2021
| The Babylon Bee
Posted on 02/13/2021 1:52:31 PM PST by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Being "woke" is very important in order to show the world you're a good person, and also to avoid having your entire life wrecked by a Twitter mob!
In order to achieve success and respect from all the good woke people -- which is the most important thing you can achieve in life -- you need to learn how to be properly woke! Here is our definitive guide:
- Carefully choose your pronouns and then scream them at everyone you meet: Whenever you go to Costco, loudly scream your pronouns in shoppers' faces. If anyone refuses to celebrate your pronouns, smash a giant box of pretzels over their head and call the manager.
- Select the most oppressed identity possible: Test people's loyalty to the cause by identifying as a walrus and cancel anyone who doesn't make walrus noises every time they see you.
- Compare everything to Nazis: Compare everything to Nazis (as long as you're a Democrat. If you're a Republican this might get you fired).
- Learn to hate the right people: Hate is good when directed at the correct targets. All you have to do is follow the guidelines of a mentally ill Twitter mob who will help steer your hate in the right direction!
- Pre-order David Hogg's Good Pillow: You want to sleep at night, don't you??
- Classify everyone according to their race and not as an individual: Always loudly acknowledge the skin color of every person you talk to and make it the main subject of the conversation.
(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...
TOPICS: Conspiracy; Health/Medicine; Humor; Society
KEYWORDS: cult; guide; satire; wokism
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To: 100American; al baby; Allegra; BufordP; dp0622; EveningStar; Gefn; GunsareOK; JRios1968; ...
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
well, I flunk the guide then. I’m not woke. No problem.
3
posted on
02/13/2021 1:59:38 PM PST
by
hoe_cake
(A Descendent of the Signers of the Constitution. )
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
or you could be “smart” and stay away from twitter...
4
posted on
02/13/2021 2:01:34 PM PST
by
heavy metal
(your reward will be in heaven not on your paycheck...)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
5
posted on
02/13/2021 2:03:45 PM PST
by
tbw2
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
This is not satire but reality.
They have finally met.
6
posted on
02/13/2021 2:04:44 PM PST
by
Harmless Teddy Bear
(May their path be strewn with Legos, may they step on them with bare feet until they repent. )
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
“ Whenever you go to Costco, loudly scream your pronouns in shoppers' faces. If anyone refuses to celebrate your pronouns, smash a giant box of pretzels over their head and call the manager.”
Be careful about using this. The Dems may use this as evidence of inciting an insurrection and will vote to impeach you.
7
posted on
02/13/2021 2:08:48 PM PST
by
Purdue77
To: heavy metal
“ or you could be “smart” and stay away from twitter... “
If you DO decide to engage in the discussion on Twitter, you can soon join
the hundreds of thousands of us who have already been censored or
banned from there.
;-)
8
posted on
02/13/2021 2:12:54 PM PST
by
EasySt
(Say not this is the truth, but so it seems to me to be, as I see this thing I think I see #KAG)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
9
posted on
02/13/2021 2:17:28 PM PST
by
Rurudyne
(Standup Philosopher)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
10
posted on
02/13/2021 2:18:03 PM PST
by
Fiddlstix
(Warning! This Is A Subliminal Tagline! Read it at your own risk!(Presented by TagLines R US))
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Sometimes the Bee hits a home run
https://babylonbee.com/news/absolute-legend-trump-walks-away-from-republican-party-without-even-looking-back-at-explosion
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an awesome display of action movie MAGA-greatness, Trump walked away from the exploding Republican Party like an absolute legend, without looking back or even flinching. Witnesses say they saw Trump power-walking in slow motion away from the massive explosion as smoldering wreckage and shrieking Republicans rained down around him.
“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” said Steve Bannon and Nancy Pelosi in unison.
Trump supporters and Democrats collectively cheered while the steely-eyed Trump strutted confidently without any indication that he cared about the scorching inferno behind him as it laid waste to all the “losers and second-rate cowards” caught up in the blast. Mitch McConnell tried his best to escape, but he was too slow due to being a turtle. The force of the blast tipped him over on his back and he lay there with his arms flailing helplessly.
Authorities arrived on the scene to try to extinguish the flames but Trump stayed their hands. “No,” he said, slowly removing his glasses and finally turning around to gaze upon the torched ruins of the Republican Party. “No... let it burn.”
11
posted on
02/13/2021 2:19:14 PM PST
by
HangnJudge
(Amen (Awomen) brother!)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
12
posted on
02/13/2021 2:25:12 PM PST
by
sauropod
(#ImpeachMcConnell. #Resist. #NotMyPresident.)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
You can’t be properly woke if you don’t get a good long sleep.
13
posted on
02/13/2021 2:35:36 PM PST
by
a fool in paradise
(Call on Joe Biden to follow Donald Trump's example and donate his annual salary to charity. )
To: EasySt
thanks for the invite... but i’m a firm believer in not setting myself up for trouble... 😎
14
posted on
02/13/2021 2:46:05 PM PST
by
heavy metal
(your reward will be in heaven not on your paycheck...)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
15
posted on
02/13/2021 2:50:23 PM PST
by
Responsibility2nd
(Trump is a deposed Pres. in exile. America is truly a banana republic. Our govt. has been overthrown)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Who forgot to turn off the {center} HTML tag?
16
posted on
02/13/2021 2:59:13 PM PST
by
Rebelbase
(COVID misanthrope)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Just listen to Emperor Palpatine and “let the hate flow through you”. Hate towards the “right” people of course.
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Pre-order David Hogg's Good Pillow: You want to sleep at night, don't you?? Unfortunately, I think that plenty of liberals and leftists will follow that advice. While plenty of people on the right sound certain that Hogg will fail, I think he has an excellent chance of succeeding. He doesn't even need to advertise.
18
posted on
02/13/2021 3:18:25 PM PST
by
TChad
(The MSM, having nuked its own credibility, is now bombing the rubble.)
To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Cool! This thread is straight center!
19
posted on
02/13/2021 3:34:25 PM PST
by
FalloutShelterGirl
(Cool! I found my original screen name!)
To: FalloutShelterGirl
Awww...now it’s left justified :(
20
posted on
02/13/2021 3:35:01 PM PST
by
FalloutShelterGirl
(Cool! I found my original screen name!)
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