****FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD*****

Doctor Talib had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said Talib, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go. But invariably another inner voice would bring him back to reality, whispering Talib, you're a veterinarian.

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to AOC (Sandy) at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of
a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
Sandy looks at Homer and said, Do you think he’ll jump?
Homer said, You know, I bet he’ll jump.
Sandy replied, Well, I bet he won’t.
Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, You’re on!
Just as the Sandy placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death Sandy was very
upset and handed 20 dollars to Homer, saying, Fair’s fair.
Here’s your money. Homer replied, I can’t take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.
Sandy replied, I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.
Homer took the money.

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
There’s a car being towed from the parking lot he shouted.
A few moments passed An ambulance just drove by. A few moments passed.
Looks like the Andersons have company he called out.
Matt’s riding a new bike. The Coopers are having sex!
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously asked How do you know they are having sex?
Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son of
a beech or a son of a birch? The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling. The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever put my pecker in.

Sam the clothes salesman is sitting in a bar when a women in a very tight pair
of jeans walks into the bar. Sam watches her in amazment because the jeans have
no seams, no fly, and look like they were painted on. He pays attention to her
clothing for the next half hour and carefully examines her clothes for any sign
of how she got them on. Finally he can’t take it any more. He has been selling
clothes for years and can not figure out her jeans. So he walks over and tells
the woman, I’ve been selling clothing all my life. But I have never seen a pair
of jeans like yours. There are no seems, no zippers, and it looks like one piece
of deniem. So how do you get into those pants?
She smiled, Well, you could start by buying me a drink!

Call Girl’s Tax Return
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes. The accountant says: Before we begin, I’ll need to ask
you a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc,
and then asks, what is your occupation?
I’m a whore, she says.
The acountant balks and says, No, that won’t work. That is too gross.
Let’s try to rephrase that.
The woman says, OK. I’m a high-end call girl.
No, that is still too crude. Try again.
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, I’m an elite chicken farmer.
The accoutant asks, What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?
Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.
Good enough.

A wealthy Democrat had a summer house in the Maine woods. Each summer he’d invite
a different friend to spend a week or two. On one occasion, he invited a
Czechoslovakian to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country rising
early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went out to pick
berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch along
came two huge bears. The Democrat dashed for cover. His friend wasn’t so lucky
and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The Democrat ran back
to his car, drove to town as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff
grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the Democrat. Sure enough,
both bears were still there. He’s in THAT one! cried the Democrat, pointing to
the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
Whatd’ya do that for?! exclaimed the Democrat, I said he was in the other!
Yep, said the sheriff, and would YOU believe a Democrat who told you that the
Czech was in the Male?

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was enjoying a quiet round of golf
with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look
for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something
white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when
I made my mistake.
What did you do? asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

Three doctors were discussing the easiest kind of person on which to perform surgery.
The first said, I like to operate on engineers. Why? asked the others.
He said, because everything is laid out exactly where it is supposed to be.
The second doctor said, I like to operate on architects.
Why architects? the first one asked him. Because everything is color coded and
it’s easy to find what’s what.
The third doctor said, I like to operate on politicians? Politicians?
said the others. What’s so special about politicians?
Because all they have is a mouth and a rectum and they’re interchangeable.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?
The boy licked his cone and replied,
Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!

Recruit gone AWOL

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL.

A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”

The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off.

The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth.

The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR.”

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is pregnant.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is in fact, pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who

was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them,

“Your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”

“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account.”

“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000bank account.”

“However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure, what to do. What do you suggest?”

All silent at this point, the mother, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “So, you’ll try again.”

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says: Your butt is getting really big, I mean
really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill.
With that in mind, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measures the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.
Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the grill!
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is
feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. What’s wrong? he asks.
She answers: Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-@$$ grill for
one little weenie?

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure
my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and
I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb
backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay.
Do you hear me? Stay!
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said.
Why don’t you just put it in park?

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on some
night lights, checked the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put
the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots through the door and back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn’t
want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the
taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. He’s just going upstairs to say
good-bye to my mother.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. Sorry I took so long, he says,
as they drive away. Stupid thing was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked. I hauled her fat self downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cabdriver hit a parked car.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Alice went
straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday morning.
Horrified, Alice told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex
would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear, replied granny. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured
out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, He’d still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn’t come along.

Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs,
but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained
the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery. Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
How are they? the magician asked.
Comfortable

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