Posted on 01/22/2021 8:41:37 AM PST by Colonial35
Please take me off your list.
These are crass, and worse, not funny.
You’re right 2005.
Sunday’s sermon was Forgive Your Enemies.
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, How many of you have
forgiven your enemies? 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except
one small elderly Lady. Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
I don’t have any. She replied, smiling sweetly.
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?
Ninety-eight. she replied.
Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation,
and said: I outlived them.
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and
11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has
no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction
with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction
to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium an element which
radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
Naming the Twins
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his
car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting
at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, Don’t worry,
everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,
I named them for you.
The husband was thinking to himself, Oh no, what has he done now? and asked with some
trepidation, Well, bro, what did you name them?
Whereupon, his brother replied, I named the little girl Denise.
The husband, relieved, said, That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?
The brother winked and replied, Denephew.
Dog Food
A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months,
she always bought just one large can of dog food.
One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had?
She replied, I don’t have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.
The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick,
maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left.
This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later
she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food.
She replied, no, my husband passed away several weeks ago.
The clerk said I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband.
The woman said, OH, the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and
stopped to lick his backside, and a truck ran over him.
Please add me to your ping list.
That was so funny!!! My wife wanted to know when the ice cream truck comes around.
Marking.
MOHAMMED: Boy was I embarrassed last night. There I was having sex with my girlfriend when her mother walks in.
AKBAR: Wow, what did she say?
MOHAMMED: Baaaaa.
and we are now stuck with this and the other idiots.
God help us
This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves...Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!
I have to agree with you. I thought sodpoodle did the Friday Silliness Thread. But for a while now, it’s been Colonial 35. There used to be just an occasional off color joke, but I’ve noticed for a while now, the “jokes” are getting more and more dirty and gross. I don’t like dirty jokes, and they are not funny. And boy, do we need something to laugh about these days. Sad. I am ashamed this guy is a FReeper.
Lol
Keep ‘em coming! Anyone who thinks them dirty or disgusting needs to get a life! After all, they don’t need to click on the posts!
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they’re teaching troops in Basic today, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as ‘First Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, First Sergeant!”
“Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...”
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man, is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
“1955, ma’am”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now”.......
Please add me to the ping list
Yes. Sodpoodle was a class act, who posted quality material.
The latest “silliness” threads read like a middle school locker room dialogue. Well copied and pasted middle school locker room dialogue to be exact. haha
Exactly!
MEMORY LAPSES:
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
* * *
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
* * *
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
* * *
A man was telling his neighbor,
‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’
* * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’’
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
* * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
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