As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL.
A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”
The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off.
The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth.
The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR.”
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says: Your butt is getting really big, I mean
really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill.
With that in mind, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measures the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.
Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the grill!
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is
feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. What’s wrong? he asks.
She answers: Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-@$$ grill for
one little weenie?
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they’re teaching troops in Basic today, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as ‘First Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, First Sergeant!”
“Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...”
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man, is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
“1955, ma’am”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now”.......