Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to AOC (Sandy) at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of
a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
Sandy looks at Homer and said, Do you think he’ll jump?
Homer said, You know, I bet he’ll jump.
Sandy replied, Well, I bet he won’t.
Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, You’re on!
Just as the Sandy placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death Sandy was very
upset and handed 20 dollars to Homer, saying, Fair’s fair.
Here’s your money. Homer replied, I can’t take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.
Sandy replied, I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.
Homer took the money.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son of
a beech or a son of a birch? The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling. The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever put my pecker in.
Sam the clothes salesman is sitting in a bar when a women in a very tight pair
of jeans walks into the bar. Sam watches her in amazment because the jeans have
no seams, no fly, and look like they were painted on. He pays attention to her
clothing for the next half hour and carefully examines her clothes for any sign
of how she got them on. Finally he can’t take it any more. He has been selling
clothes for years and can not figure out her jeans. So he walks over and tells
the woman, I’ve been selling clothing all my life. But I have never seen a pair
of jeans like yours. There are no seems, no zippers, and it looks like one piece
of deniem. So how do you get into those pants?
She smiled, Well, you could start by buying me a drink!
Call Girl’s Tax Return
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes. The accountant says: Before we begin, I’ll need to ask
you a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc,
and then asks, what is your occupation?
I’m a whore, she says.
The acountant balks and says, No, that won’t work. That is too gross.
Let’s try to rephrase that.
The woman says, OK. I’m a high-end call girl.
No, that is still too crude. Try again.
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, I’m an elite chicken farmer.
The accoutant asks, What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?
Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.
Good enough.
A wealthy Democrat had a summer house in the Maine woods. Each summer he’d invite
a different friend to spend a week or two. On one occasion, he invited a
Czechoslovakian to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country rising
early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went out to pick
berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch along
came two huge bears. The Democrat dashed for cover. His friend wasn’t so lucky
and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The Democrat ran back
to his car, drove to town as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff
grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the Democrat. Sure enough,
both bears were still there. He’s in THAT one! cried the Democrat, pointing to
the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
Whatd’ya do that for?! exclaimed the Democrat, I said he was in the other!
Yep, said the sheriff, and would YOU believe a Democrat who told you that the
Czech was in the Male?
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you.
The drunk replies; Breasts.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was enjoying a quiet round of golf
with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look
for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something
white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when
I made my mistake.
What did you do? asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!
Three doctors were discussing the easiest kind of person on which to perform surgery.
The first said, I like to operate on engineers. Why? asked the others.
He said, because everything is laid out exactly where it is supposed to be.
The second doctor said, I like to operate on architects.
Why architects? the first one asked him. Because everything is color coded and
it’s easy to find what’s what.
The third doctor said, I like to operate on politicians? Politicians?
said the others. What’s so special about politicians?
Because all they have is a mouth and a rectum and they’re interchangeable.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?
The boy licked his cone and replied,
Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL.
A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”
The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off.
The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth.
The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR.”
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on some
night lights, checked the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put
the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots through the door and back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn’t
want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the
taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. He’s just going upstairs to say
good-bye to my mother.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. Sorry I took so long, he says,
as they drive away. Stupid thing was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked. I hauled her fat self downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cabdriver hit a parked car.
Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs,
but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained
the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery. Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
How are they? the magician asked.
Comfortable
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and
11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has
no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction
with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction
to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium an element which
radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
Marking.
MOHAMMED: Boy was I embarrassed last night. There I was having sex with my girlfriend when her mother walks in.
AKBAR: Wow, what did she say?
MOHAMMED: Baaaaa.
Keep ‘em coming! Anyone who thinks them dirty or disgusting needs to get a life! After all, they don’t need to click on the posts!
Please add me to the ping list
MEMORY LAPSES:
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
* * *
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
* * *
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
* * *
A man was telling his neighbor,
‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’
* * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’’
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
* * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’