Posted on 07/20/2020 5:22:37 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Excommunicated
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, "almost?"'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?’
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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?'
'I'll try!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will!'
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!'
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Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
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Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!’
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Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: ‘Nothing.’
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
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Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
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Let us pray......................
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on TO OTHER FOLKS!!! R
God bless.
btt
“There’s no such thing as an ‘Old Joke’ if you’ve never heard it before.”.....Groucho Marx............
Three months into Covid - Reality
– New monthly budget: Gas $0; Entertainment $0; Clothes $0; Groceries $2,799.
– Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
– When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell certain people.
– I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale.”
– Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 12 weeks.
– They can open things up this month, but I’m staying in until July to see what happens to the rest of you first!
– The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
– People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?” Well, the churches and casinos closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.
– Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money!
– Coronavirus has made us start acting like our dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told “No” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about going for walks and car rides!
– The dumbest thing I’ve bought so far is a 2020 planner.
The elderly couple wanted to have one last shot at a child. But first they wanted to make sure that he still had it in him.
So the man walks into the bathroom with his sample cup and a magazine. Awhile later he comes out and asks the nurse if his wife can help him.
“Oh! Well...um, I suppose so.”
Several minutes pass by, and the the elderly gentleman comes out of the bathroom.
“Um - excuse me Miss. Might you help us just for a bit?”
“Oh! Um - no, that isn’t really something that I should be doing!!”
“Well - I tried with both my hands. Then my wife tried with HER hands. Heck - she even tried with her mouth! But if you can’t help I guess were done. How the heck am I supposed to give a sample!?”
.
.
.
.
.
“That lid on the jar is stuck so tight!”
Those jokes about the virus are great!
Who knew it would take a Pandemic to make me act like a normal person! Wash my hands regularly; shower every day and make sure my clothes get washed!?
Even the elderly man my wife cares for is now washing his hands more than once in the morning and once at night. Unngghh!
It’s well known that Bill Clinton used to sneak out of the White House to go jogging.
One day he was out and he happened to pass a hooker plying her trade.
He couldn’t resist, and asked her price. She said “two hundred.”
“That’s crazy”, he replied. “I’ll give you $20.”
She refused, and he went on his way. The next day he was out again, and the same thing happened.
By chance, the third day, Hillary joined him on his jog. They passed the same hooker and Bill, not wanting to start a fight, pretended not to see her.
As they passed, the hooker called out to him...
“See? That’s what you get for $20!”
The WNBA and MLS will be allowed to compete this year with their normal crowds.
That is a good one. I will remember it.
WARNING: DUI checkpoint ahead at the intersection of the kitchen and hallway.
Bookmark
A dog walks into the Western Union telegram office, grabs a telegram and writes, “Woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof”.
The clerk looks at it and says, “You only have 9 woofs here. You can add one more for free.”
The dog says, “But then it wouldn’t make any sense.”
Knee-slappers...thanks!
Good ones!
Too funny.
Now THAT’s funny!
Many people don’t get it.
An old man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. Finishing up, the doctor asks if there is anything else.
The man says, “why yes Doctor, there is. I want a prescription for 1/4 of a Viagra tablet.”
The doctor tells him, “Sir, normally we prescribe in much larger doses if you want to make it.”
He replies, “At my age I only want to make it past the toe of my shoes.”
Yeah, but did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
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