God bless.
btt
“There’s no such thing as an ‘Old Joke’ if you’ve never heard it before.”.....Groucho Marx............
Three months into Covid - Reality
– New monthly budget: Gas $0; Entertainment $0; Clothes $0; Groceries $2,799.
– Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
– When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell certain people.
– I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale.”
– Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 12 weeks.
– They can open things up this month, but I’m staying in until July to see what happens to the rest of you first!
– The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
– People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?” Well, the churches and casinos closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.
– Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money!
– Coronavirus has made us start acting like our dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told “No” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about going for walks and car rides!
– The dumbest thing I’ve bought so far is a 2020 planner.
The elderly couple wanted to have one last shot at a child. But first they wanted to make sure that he still had it in him.
So the man walks into the bathroom with his sample cup and a magazine. Awhile later he comes out and asks the nurse if his wife can help him.
“Oh! Well...um, I suppose so.”
Several minutes pass by, and the the elderly gentleman comes out of the bathroom.
“Um - excuse me Miss. Might you help us just for a bit?”
“Oh! Um - no, that isn’t really something that I should be doing!!”
“Well - I tried with both my hands. Then my wife tried with HER hands. Heck - she even tried with her mouth! But if you can’t help I guess were done. How the heck am I supposed to give a sample!?”
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“That lid on the jar is stuck so tight!”
It’s well known that Bill Clinton used to sneak out of the White House to go jogging.
One day he was out and he happened to pass a hooker plying her trade.
He couldn’t resist, and asked her price. She said “two hundred.”
“That’s crazy”, he replied. “I’ll give you $20.”
She refused, and he went on his way. The next day he was out again, and the same thing happened.
By chance, the third day, Hillary joined him on his jog. They passed the same hooker and Bill, not wanting to start a fight, pretended not to see her.
As they passed, the hooker called out to him...
“See? That’s what you get for $20!”
Bookmark
A dog walks into the Western Union telegram office, grabs a telegram and writes, “Woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof”.
The clerk looks at it and says, “You only have 9 woofs here. You can add one more for free.”
The dog says, “But then it wouldn’t make any sense.”
Knee-slappers...thanks!
Good ones!
Yeah, but did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?