Like
“I’m so old I’m having trouble recalling the details of my very first date. About the only thing I can remember is that I took her for a picnic on Everest Hill.”
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Jenny Joseph
There is always money for butter... and cheese... and olives and tea.
Everything else is optional.
Today I was in a store named “Sunglasses Only”. A young lady walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”...
I was in the fifth grade at a Catholic grammer school with a Nun as a teacher. Sort of the same situation on a form sent home for a day trip planned for our class. Who to notify in an emergency...I said “ a doctor”...I think that was the fifth time the back of my head met Sister Marie’s right palm that year.
Wow. May I steal?
When you are young you can go skinny dipping.
When you are old - everything changes. No more skinny dipping. It’s now known as Chunky Dunking.
[ Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?” ]
LOL
The only person who wants to live to be a hundred is a person who’s ninety-nine.
Another one: People ask me “what brought you here?” I answer “my car” or “my plane”
In the steak restaurant:
“How would you like that cooked?”
Me:
“A lot better than raw”
or
“I’d LOVE it cooked!”
That's a perfect Bill Engvalism.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
"Heck no! The toilet is stopped up and ya'll will have to use the litter box! Here's your sign."
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I don’t remember who gets tied up first.
How Children perceive their Grandparents......
- My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
- After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
- A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
- I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
- When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
- A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
- Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
- A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
- Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
- My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
Ok. I really bombed out at the staff meeting today when I answered the question “What steps should you take during a fire?”. My answer: F*!@&in’ big ones!!
bookmark
Dem rendition of the “Hereafter”:
Take a woman to a secluded place and then tell her, “If you’re not hereafter what I’m hereafter, you’re gonna be hereafter I’m gone”...
After a night at our favorite watering hole, a few of us stopped at a Waffle House to get something to eat. One of the guys was not one who often went out anywhere and when he ordered eggs/bacon/hash-browns, the waitress asked him, “Hon, how do you want your eggs?” He looked at her for a second and you could see he was confused and he eventually said, “Cooked”.
For many years, when a waitress asks me how I like my eggs, I often say “Oh, I like them just fine”.
She’ll almost always then say “no, how do you like them cooked?”
My reply? “Oh I like ‘em a lot better that way”...
I’m gonna really regret it one day if a smartass waitress brings me 2 very raw eggs...hehe