Posted on 12/17/2018 10:03:19 AM PST by sodpoodle
*Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
*If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes,* *I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
I never did understand it neither.
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch The Sheriff asked,
"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
This post tells me I need to move to Georgia.
Five out of six is very good, thanx for the laughs.
#3, however, is much older than dirt - Rodney Dangerfield did that joke (wife, not Bubba) over 40 years ago...
The NC one is a bit of a stretch. Flayers does not sound anyway like Flahrs... ;-)
Just bring $17,200 with you.
#2 is old too. The first version I heard was attributed to Mark Twain: “When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Cincinnati because it’s always 20 years behind the times.”
Texas- man drives into a No U Turn and gets pulled over- officer says “Didn’t you see the sign?” Man says “I sure did- that’s why i turned, and I didn’t even want to turn, i wanted to go straight, but the sign said “No, You turn””
Southern man complained about a sign that said “Stop Ahead” man stopped, looked, but didn’t see no stinkin head- false advertising
What does a Oklahoma tornado and an Arkansas divorce have in common?
Someone is fixing to lose a trailer.
We laugh at darn yankees when they tell us people aren't born male or female, but are born straight or gay. :)
“Why are there never any Yankee jokes?.....”
Cause yankees ain’t got no sensa humor.
Question: what is the most effective form of birth control?
Answer: A New York City accent.
My step father in Oklahoma liked this joke....
Did you hear about the Aggie that moved from Texas to Oklahoma?
Yeah. He raised the IQ levels in BOTH states.
Why’d you leave out the Heart of Dixie?
Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they’re afraid of Alabama Power.
Q. What’s the best road sign in Auburn?
A. Tuscaloosa - 120 miles
With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit “Survivor”, Alabamans have made their own version. Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, “I’m gay, I’m a yankee, and I’m here to steal your guns!” First one back wins. They’ve played several times. As of yet, no one has won.
Are you a Liberal, Conservative or Southerner?
Situation:
A thug, high on drugs, comes around the corner and sees you and your family. He screams terrible, foul obscenities and lunges at you with a big “honkin” knife. You are armed only with a handgun, and have just seconds to act. What do you do?
Liberal’s Answer:
(pick one or more statements until stabbed to death)
1. “I must have offended this poor oppressed individual expressing outrage against society.”
2. “He is a poor minority suffering from historical persecution and racist colonial oppression.”
3. “It’s society’s fault he has such low self-esteem and poor social skills.”
4. “Why do I have a handgun? What kind of message am I sending to my wife and children?”
5. “What does the law say my moral, social and legal responsibilities are in this situation?”
6. “If I am being stabbed and hold on to his knees, can my family get away and call 911?”
7. “A paint and weed day would help integrate such excluded anti-social members of society.”
8. “If we raised taxes, this community could have a much happier, healthier environment.”
9. “I should discuss the complex social implications with a human rights lawyer.”
10. “I need more information to answer this question!”
Conservative’s Answer:
BANG!
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click (sounds of reloading).
Wife: “Sweetheart, he looks like he’s still moving. What do you kids think?”
Son: “Mom’s right Dad, I saw it too…”
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?”
I’m not from Texas or Oklahoma, but that right there is funny.
There is nothing funny about yankees.
Cop: “You're going the wrong way, didn't you see the Arrow?”
Granddad: “Arrow hell, I didn't even see the Indians!”
bkmk
Southern Baptists, after many years of research, came to the conclusion that the Three Wise Men were fire fighters.
They had all just come from a far.
Or at some idiots who think there are 50 different genders.
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