Posted on 11/13/2018 12:48:53 PM PST by sodpoodle
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
(Excerpt) Read more at laughfactory.com ...
Dallas, Texas (TX) -A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that the family unit be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the, Dallas Cowboys whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Except for the Eagles, apparently.
Hehehe.....no worries. But at least I kept it semi-clean. =;^)
Good one but Norm MacDonald’s “Dirty Johnny” joke is epic!
Here’s a challenge - You have to come up with a good response to:
“Why did Hillary Clinton cross the road?”
The winner gets a photo of me8)LOL!
“Why did Hillary Clinton cross the road?”
There was a dollar bill on the ground.............
Bump for future responses ... this should be good.
You are a finalist!
https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=helen+thomas+ugly&qpvt=helen+thomas+ugly&FORM=IGRE
>>Except for the Eagles, apparently.<<
It still looks like it will be a .500 season.
Par for Jerry’s course.
Well, I guess technically, if a couple of guys throw you into the back of a van on the other side of the road, she did cross the road....like a side of beef.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens. It’s gonna be AMAZING!
TED CRUZ: It doesn’t matter where the damn chicken was born.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It’s none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
MARCO RUBIO: To get to the other side. To get to the other side. To get to the other side.
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with that chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn’t brain surgery, so why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
BERNIE SANDERS: The chicken crossed the road to flee poverty on this side, and to attend tuition-free community college on the other side.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2016, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
God created man and woman.
Democrats created all other genders.
I actually met Hillary one time. And told her a two-for-one joke.
ME: Why did the Chicken cross the road?
HILLARY: I don’t know.
ME: To see the drunken old falling down hag.
ME: Knock. Knock.
HILLARY: Who’s There?
ME: The Chicken.
HILLARY: The Chicken who?
ME: The Chicken who wants to see you.
“Why did Hillary Clinton cross the road?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To dodge the sniper fire in Bosnia.
That’s where the Liquor Store was.
Her colostomy bag leaked on this side of the road.
That’s where the Uranium was.
What difference does it make?
LOL. I am using that one.
LOL. I am using that one.
"Oh yeah?" Old Scratch replies. "Where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?"
Using the word European in a sentence after having used, Asian, African and American the good old Southern boy came up with, “hey jeb, y’all better check your aim, european on your shoes.”
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:
The chicken couldn`t afford to rent an apartment in Wash. DC so the chicken has two jobs so he could just pay for it.
"That's a nice pair of porks ya got there," the Marine at the foot of the ramp said politely.
"Thanks," Slick replied. "I got 'em for Hillary."
The Marine looked the hogs over again and nodded.
"Good trade, sir."
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