Posted on 11/13/2018 12:48:53 PM PST by sodpoodle
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
(Excerpt) Read more at laughfactory.com ...
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
” A Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.”
- Jackie Mason
While walking down the street a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem just let me in,” says the Senator. “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the Senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit Heaven.”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and before he realizes it the
24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well then you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The Senator reflects for a minute before he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. “I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
I have a Little Johnny joke where the teacher asks him to use the word “contagious” in a sentence.
And that’s as much info as I’m posting here.
Good one;)
At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…
Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.’”
*editor’s note: for those that don’t get it… sound it out in two syllables.
Thanks for the great contributions;)
Question: Why did Auburn quit teach driver's ed and sex ed on the same day?
Answer: They were wearing out the mule. :)
Three brothers wanted to go into the cattle business. They asked their father what they should name their ranch. The father said, “Focus.” Why Focus???
Because focus is where the sun’s rays meet.
I’m stumped! LOL! Phonetics or Southern?
Stumped? Surely not. Focus is where the sons raise meat.
Groan!!
If you want to read satire - try this;
Biggest laugh to date!
A couple years ago, I had the opportunity to give Al Franken the opportunity to find out if this joke was real of not when he stepped in front of my car at a red light.
Alas, I was a good boy and kept my foot on the brake. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made.
None of them raise a hand except little Johnny. The teacher sighs, knowing she shouldn't ask him and says, "Yes Johnny? Can you use the word "urinate" in a sentence?"
"Sure.", says Johnny.
"Urinate. But if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten!"
What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common? They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ!”
You are braver than I am.
Maybe one day soon sodpoodle can post nothing but Little Johnny jokes.
Or maybe not.
The teacher says to the class, who can use the word urinate in a sentence?
Johnny: “Urinate - if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten”
oops :) Sorry
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