Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Posted on 12/13/2016 7:22:43 PM PST by lafroste
OK, my son is at Parris Island right now and as of today has one month to graduation. He is hanging tough. But he wrote me and asked for more letters, more news. My fingers are about worn out sending and writing stuff. He likes Marine jokes and I sent him a few but I am running out of ideas. I would like you guys to submit Marine positive humor that I can send him to encourage both him and the other men in his platoon. We need to encourage these guys. Jokes are welcome. Letters are welcome. Help me support our newest Marines. They already deserve it!
I got one........Obama! After 8 years FR spell check still flags it and offers no correction!
Two marines go into a bar. I buy them a drink.
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/604819/posts
Worried Soldier’s Mum Emails Colonel In Afghanistan
She spammed the whole Marine Brass somehow, it’s hilarious.
A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a MARINE joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6’ tall, 200 lbs, and I’m a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2” tall, weighs 225, and he’s a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6’5” tall, weighs 250, and he’s also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The sailor says, “Sure. It’ll be ok - I’ll just tell it real slow.”
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a wedding when one of the bride’s attractive guests approached him for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” he said. “Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said it looked like he had seen a lot of action.
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “you know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “you know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are,” she responded. “No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
After glancing at his watch, the Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, “I hope not. It’s only 2130 now.”
Military Oaths of Enlistment
The Following Are Various Appropriate Oaths Of Enlistment Each Branch Of Military Service Personnel Should Use ...
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, Zoomie Flyboy, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten the hell out of me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I’m not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my — snicker — “basic training,” I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger, fighting machine. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted — EVER — and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________
U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, Rambo Part 5, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre useless dull life to the United States Army because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me because I can’t swim and I get sea sick.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can’t figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment or dating the C.O.’s underage daughter.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual — er — I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the “COMPANY.” I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation of military service, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam, even at a 2 year school.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________ U.S.
NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, Neptune, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too “corporate,” and because I thought, “Hey, I like to swim...Why not?”
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like “deck, bulkhead, cover, and head,” when I really mean “floor, wall, hat, and toilet.” I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever, except maybe to the British.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound “colleagues.”
So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
COAST GUARD OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, Shipmate Pirate, do hereby pretend to catch and apprehend thieves on the high seas and to rescue those in distress, but most importantly prevent all those stinking illegal aliens from entering the United States.
Any illegal alien or drug smuggler found, I promise to sink their craft no matter what type, size, shape, configuration, or country of origin, unless it is politically incorrect at that moment or they just happen to be Japanese. If they are Japanese, even though they may be in U.S. territorial waters illegally, endangering U.S. shipping, engage in spying activities, catching our fish and starving Americans, or they ran into my boat, I will immediately notify the State Department so the necessary apologizes may be issued throughout the international news media.
Further, I understand that various Federal Agencies such as the DEA, Customs, the INS, the FBI, and ATF may have agents on board a ship that I am assigned to, and that if they are female I will conduct myself in the manner of a Shipmate Pirate, and tell them suck me or walk the plank.
So help me Shipmate Pirate.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
THE NATIONAL GUARD OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, Mr. Wannabee, hereby acknowledge that I joined the National Guard full time because I am a spineless, gutless, useless **** who’s only ambition is to sit around and drink beer, use government facilities and property for my personal needs, and collect my pension.
So help me Mr. Wannabee.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT:
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... and, kicking ass is a way of life.
OORAH! Semper Fi!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________
He scored 97 on the ASVAB. 149/150 math. 147/150 GS. How did you do? (Just kidding. But... never mind)
Q: Why was the Marine Corps created?
A: So the sailors would have dance partners.
Disclosure; I'm former Army ;) That said, I as an 11B, had a perverse appreciation for a good infantry joke.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
When my kid was in basic I would send a letter every day. Just dash off a paragraph or two about what went on that day.
Q: What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
A: A platoon
Being Navy all mine are about Marines!
They are OK
The Marine Corps is a department of the Navy...the Men’s Department
LOL. My son was there earlier this year, now based out on the West Coast.
Have you joined the Marine family support pages on facebook?
As for jokes , then trust me, he is in third phase now, and he is looking forward to graduating, and doing that Crucible.
If there are any questions, then please ask me, as we were up there this year for graduation, and where to stay for graduation, when he goes to Camp Geiger for combat training.
I am with you 100%. We used to hold them in a somewhat humorous contempt, but in the end, how can you not respect someone who gets through Parris Island?
I have always loved the quote by Hemingway: “I would rather have a good Marine, even a ruined one, than anything in the world when there are chips down.”
I would agree with that.
“I got one........Obama! After 8 years FR spell check still flags it and offers no correction!”
It’s a feature. Not a bug.
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