Posted on 07/21/2013 3:17:33 PM PDT by Windflier
Some uniquely American humor for a Sunday evening. Enjoy!
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your buttocks from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed. note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Outside the dead nation walking , would be better.
PING
Phoenix’s #1 and Cali’s #5 can also be applied to Florida.
A Southerner never uses “y’all” in reference to one person. It’s plural and better than “you guys.” Of course, “you” is appropriately used as the plural, but that’s confusing.
That’s how you know in TV or movies if the writer has a clue about the South. Hint: They usually don’t.
Do NOT come to IDAHO. We are all armed to the teeth racists with no sense of humor.
Thanks. I meant to include that disclaimer. I folks would catch that one right away.
LOL!!!!! SO TRUE!!!!
many thanks..nice way to end the weekend..
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
OMG, that is SO ‘Sconnie! I love my life! :)
excellent list save some Texasisms.....which I will pen directly
Technically, Texans are not “Southerners” (they are Texans) but they use y’all for both singular and plural. At least they did around Houston.
“It’s plural and better than ‘you guys.’”
Listen, YOU! I’m from Wisconsin and it’s pronounced ‘Youse Guys.’ Get it right, LOL!
That’s funny, and the best chuckle I’ve had in days. Thanks, Mags!
You can retire to Pennsyl-tucky where...
1)Pittsburgh is in the west, Philadelphia is in the east and Alabama is in the middle.
2)...
3)...
4)...
(I’m having a brainfart on the last 3)
I spent the better part of my life and career in NYC. No one retires to NYC. Did I say “no one”?
BUMP what you said.
Perhaps a capitalist nation where there is freedom from tyranny.
Thanks! Had Mrs. POF and me in stitches.
Absolutely. I’ve been at meetings where people pleaded with the DNR to add lanes to a road because of “heavy” traffic. “Heavy” traffic is having to wait 3 minutes to make a turn during the 10 minute rush hour in the AM, or the 10 minute rush hour in the PM.
#2 about NY is on the mark too and should be included in the CA summary, as well. I have so many friends and relatives from the West Coast who still can’t get it through their heads that I live near Milwaukee in Wisconsin, not Minneapolis in Minnesota. And I’ve lived here nearly 30 years. And some of them hae been here to visit!
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
In the last 35 years, things have changed down here...and, for the most part, for the better. We still have the great food, manners, literature, and neighborlyness.
But those horny, toothless, overweight yankee wimmen are drivin' us crazy.
Won't someone please deliver us?
A pissed off Chicagoan will say “Youse Jagoffs”...
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