- Lies about Barack Obama
- Lies about Mitt Romney
- Some lies about accomplishments
- Even more lies about achievements
- Some blaming lies
- Lies about health care
- Lies about Paul Ryan and his "Plan"
- Just Lies
- Shots of old ladies smiling and clapping
- Shots of old ladies crying and wiping away tears
- Shots of black people crying and wiping away tears
- Personal manufactured anecdotes of struggle
- “Four more years” chants
- People screaming, shouting, throwing things
- People collapsing in the aisles and speaking in tongues
- B-Rock beaming those pearly whites
- Michelle, Sasha, and Malia looking on proudly
- Bill Clinton already at the after party
- Mass hypnosis for national optimism
- Obama sucking up to the Hollywood elite crowd and trying (unsuccessfully) to one-up Clint Eastwoods appearance at the RNC
- Jay-Z rappelling down from the ceiling and ending the convention in a rousing, profanity-ridden rendition of “99 Problems,” joined by Joe Biden running onstage in a cop costume to rap the “Son, do you know what I’m stoppin’ you for?” part and then breakdance, as Barack smiles and claps along and medics rush out elderly delegates
- The MSM fawning over how awesome everything, especially The One’s speech, was, and getting “tingles” up their legs.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence around the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think ‘Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire.
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this!!!).
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Woohoo!!! It’s finally Friday!!!!
Top 10?
WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO TGIF
Top 10!
The silliness thread is here! Run for your lives!
The empty chair at Space Mountain. ;o)
I found this in an old joke book compiled in 1921 by Edward Clode:
A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his class-room:
“Professor Jennings informs his students hat he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George.”
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:
“God save the King!”
Top 15!
Campaign slogans...
Sandra Fluke:
“If you like c—k, vote for Barack!”
“If you want your hole widen, vote for Biden!”
Happy dance for obama...LOL
When Bill Met The Parents
One evening Mr. Rodham was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, Hillary came home with her new boyfriend, a boy named Bill. After being informed of the problem,
Bill said he could get the peanut out..
The Bill told Mr. Rodham to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up Mr. Rodham’s nose and told him to blow hard.
When Mr. Rodham blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and dHillary jumped and yelled for joy.
The young Bill insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to Mr. Rodham and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t that Bill smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’
Mr. Rodham replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, I would say our son-in-law.’
Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it’s shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
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I’m stoked...
I finally achieved my lifelong dream of having as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.
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Researchers at UCLA medical center have invented the first marijuana based suppository.
The only draw back so far is that ten minutes after insertion you have a desire to shove a Mars bar up your butt!
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I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.
Which means my dealer’s got some explaining to do.
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I got in touch with my inner self today....
That’s the last time I buy toilet paper from the Dollar store.
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I went to the doctor for a check -up.
He said, “The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise.”
I said, “What’s the next-best advice?”
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A Texas Ranger pulled over a driver on I-35 and informed him he was being cited for speeding.
The driver said, “Officer, could you just give me a warning?”
So the Ranger stepped back and fired a shot over his head.
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Speaking of watching TV - last night I watched my first porn movie.
I was a lot thinner back then!
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Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie who he had found as a child.
“You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!”
“No I didn’t, Saddam...let’s review...
You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?”
“Yes it did, but”
“You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?”
“And this too, came true, but...”
“And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that’s not what I meant!!!”
