Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it’s shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
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I’m stoked...
I finally achieved my lifelong dream of having as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.
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Researchers at UCLA medical center have invented the first marijuana based suppository.
The only draw back so far is that ten minutes after insertion you have a desire to shove a Mars bar up your butt!
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I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.
Which means my dealer’s got some explaining to do.
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I got in touch with my inner self today....
That’s the last time I buy toilet paper from the Dollar store.
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I went to the doctor for a check -up.
He said, “The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise.”
I said, “What’s the next-best advice?”
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A Texas Ranger pulled over a driver on I-35 and informed him he was being cited for speeding.
The driver said, “Officer, could you just give me a warning?”
So the Ranger stepped back and fired a shot over his head.
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Speaking of watching TV - last night I watched my first porn movie.
I was a lot thinner back then!
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Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie who he had found as a child.
“You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!”
“No I didn’t, Saddam...let’s review...
You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?”
“Yes it did, but”
“You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?”
“And this too, came true, but...”
“And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that’s not what I meant!!!”