It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow. ~ Jay Leno

The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama. ~ Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live. ~ Jay Leno

They announced today that they are moving President Obama's speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats. ~ Jay Leno

Today, the Democrats added the word "God" to the official party platform. It's in the part that reads, "Did you see Michelle Obama's biceps. Oh, my God!" ~ Conan

There's a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

Actually, President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4. ~ Jimmy Fallon"If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he'll also be at the convention." –David Letterman

"What a different four years makes. At the last Democratic Convention the theme was 'hope and change' this time it’s 'hope you don’t make a change.'" –Jay Leno

The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks. ~ Jay Leno

The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn't bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day. ~ Craig Ferguson

Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience. ~ Craig FergusonOn Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, “Eh, it’s OK.” ~ Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday sometime between 2 and 4." –Jimmy Fallonnnn

"The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks." –Jay Leno

"Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience." –Craig Ferguson

"I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?" –Craig Ferguson

"There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, 'Eh, it's OK.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it's Mitt Romney's dog." –Jay Leno

"The Democrats are getting ready for their convention in north Carolina. Or as they told Joe Biden, South Carolina." –Jay Leno

"Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn't a real member of Congress because he was buying his own drinks with his money." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.'" —Jay Leno

What to Expect From Obama's DNC Speech

- Lies about Barack Obama

- Lies about Mitt Romney

- Some lies about accomplishments

- Even more lies about achievements

- Some blaming lies

- Lies about health care

- Lies about Paul Ryan and his "Plan"

- Just Lies

- Shots of old ladies smiling and clapping

- Shots of old ladies crying and wiping away tears

- Shots of black people crying and wiping away tears

- Personal manufactured anecdotes of struggle

- “Four more years” chants

- People screaming, shouting, throwing things

- People collapsing in the aisles and speaking in tongues

- B-Rock beaming those pearly whites

- Michelle, Sasha, and Malia looking on proudly

- Bill Clinton already at the after party

- Mass hypnosis for national optimism

- Obama sucking up to the Hollywood elite crowd and trying (unsuccessfully) to one-up Clint Eastwoods appearance at the RNC

- Jay-Z rappelling down from the ceiling and ending the convention in a rousing, profanity-ridden rendition of “99 Problems,” joined by Joe Biden running onstage in a cop costume to rap the “Son, do you know what I’m stoppin’ you for?” part and then breakdance, as Barack smiles and claps along and medics rush out elderly delegates

- The MSM fawning over how awesome everything, especially The One’s speech, was, and getting “tingles” up their legs.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence around the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think ‘Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this!!!).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

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What to Expect From Obama's DNC Speech