(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

[Lucky9teen]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’



22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[fredhead]

Re: The Star Trek poster......

I always heard, “It’s the Captain’s Log, let HIM flush it.”

[Loud Mime]

Not a pun, but silly:

Due to the high cost of ammunition, there will be no warning shots!

[al_c]

Oh, this thread is gonna be punny!

---

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

[fredhead]

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

[Monkey Face]

Did you hear about the two cannibals who passed their friend on the street?

[fredhead]

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

[tnlibertarian]

Gandhi tended to walk around barefoot over rough roads, rocks, etc. Also, due to his religious beliefs, he ate no meat which often left him weak. And, a lack of proper oral hygiene gave him frequent bad breath. Alas, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

Q: What did the cannibal do when he didn’t like his neighbor?
A: He scraped him off his plate.

[raccoonradio]

bad puns:
What’s the difference between a TV station van and the car Ted K drove at Chappaquiddick? One’s a newsmobile, one’s an
Oldsmobile.

A married man was having an affair with a woman named Joyce. He did still kinda love his wife though and wondered, “Should I be pro-wife or pro-Joyce?”

jokes from my elderly Dad:
A teacher was telling her students it was time for the class photo. Some kids weren’t too crazy about it. “Oh, years from now you can look back at it and say here’s so and so,
who’s now a lawyer. Here’s so and so, who now owns a restaurant.” One kid said, “Yeah, and we can say here’s
Teacher...and now she’s dead.”

So they take the class picture and they noticed one Italian-American kid whose mouth seems to be making an “O” shape.
“Why did you do that?”—”They said, ‘say cheese’ and I said ‘provolone’.”

[fruser1]

I was in a ticket line at a train station where the girl at the counter was rather largely endowed.

I heard the guy in front of me say “I’d like two pickets to Titsburg.” He turned very red and was obviously anxious over the remark but the girl at the counter just laughed it off.

I couldn’t help myself to want to help him overcome his embarrasment so I said to him “Hey, don’t worry man. I do that kind of thing all the time.”

“Just this morning at breakfast I was going to ask my wife ‘Please pass the butter and jam’ but instead I said ‘You stupid b***h you ruined my life!’”.

[fredhead]

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

[fredhead]

Dolly Parton has sold controlling interest in her Dollywood amusement park and liquidated some other entertainment holdings. In a move to enter the competive retail grocery as a market force to rival giant Kroger, Ms. Parton has negotiated a deal with cash and stock swap to purchase outright the grocery chains of Big Star, Piggly Wiggly and Harris-Teeters. The combined operations will be known as “Big Wiggly Teeters”

[unique1]

Thanks to Obamas’ miracle....

I am able to walk again... They just repossessed my car...
_____

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year...

The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.

I decided we would have an election for a class president.
We would choose our nominees... They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.

We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.

We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia’s mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.
Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better
place. He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now it was Olivia’s turn to speak.

Her speech was concise.She said, “If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream.” She sat down.

The class went wild. “Yes! Yes! We want ice cream.”

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn’t sure. But no one pursued that question. They took her at her word.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it....She didn’t know.

The class really didn’t care. All they were thinking about was ice cream...

Jamie was forgotten.. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 51.4 % of the people reacted like nine year olds.

They want ice cream.

The other 48.6% percent know they’re going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess.
_____

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
‘Yes, Nurse Tracy,’ said Mr. Wallace.
‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied,
‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy.
‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died.’
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?’

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

[Pharmboy]

Thought our gene guy might like to see this...#14

[fredhead]

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

[Slings and Arrows]

Suuuure you can...

[Want me to add you to the Kitty Ping List? Or the Not-A-Ping-List, for that matter?]

[llevrok]

Seeing the Queen, Charles and Camilla this week, I am reminded of a story I heard about Camilla and Charles’s wedding night I heard a few years ago.

It seems that Camilla was quite sensitive to being compared - fashion wise - to the late Princess Diana. So for her wedding day to Charles, she orders a really magnificent dress and matching shoes that are intended to end that comparison.

The dress is fitted and it arrives just in the nick of time, the day of the wedding, with the shoes that perfectly match the color of the dress. The only problem is that the wrong size shoes were sent. They are 1/2 size too small and it is too late to make an exchange as the shoe’s color was custom matched to the dress. Determined to make her fashion statement, Camilla decides to wear the shoes just the same, thinking they might stretch out a bit during the day.

It’s a lovely ceremony, the day’s weather sunny and warm. However with the warm day and being on her feet for hours (the poor thing), Camilla’s feet swell. As the day wears on, the shoes get tighter and tighter. By the time the formal reception ends, poor Camilla is in agony but pleased with the comments she’s received on her wedding outfit. It’s all been worth it.

A honeymoon is planned but after such a long day, the newlyweds retire to Buckingham for a fresh start in the morning. Their palace suite is right next door to the Queen’s and Phillip’s. As Camilla and Charles are readying for bed, Camilla asked Charles to help her remove her shoes, which by this time, were quite impossible to remove.

As Charles tugs and tugs on her shoes, Phillip can hear the some effort through the wall but does not know what exactly is going on. His imagination is running wild so he gets a water glass and eaves drop on the love birds.

“Oh Charles! Be ever so kind, don’t hurt me”, says Camilla. Phillip hears this and turns to the Queen and winks a proud father’s wink. Now onto the second shoe. “Charles, one more. And much harder this time. The first one wasn’t as bad as I imagined. You were masterful.”, Camilla says. Hearing that, Phillip winks at the Queen again.

Seeing that shoe number two was stuck worse than shoe number one, Charles replies, “Perhaps I should try it from the rear this time, my love.” The proud Phillip again turns to the Queen and says, “That’s my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man !!”

[Salamander]

Yeah, sure.

What the hell.

I’ve already gone and got a cat so I’m doomed, anyway.

;D

[Liberty Valance]

*bump*

[MarineBrat]

The silliness thread is here! The silliness thread is here!