Posted on 07/14/2010 7:51:16 PM PDT by Judith Anne
I've had a couple of serious life issues lately, and it occurred to me how beneficial humor is, in facing adversity. My brother sends me jokes all the time, and I really enjoy them; in fact, I look forward to them every day.
So I thought I'd share the one from today, and ask everyone to share jokes too, just for the purpose of laughing out loud, easing tensions, general goofiness, and fun.
Liberal “Is that a real gun?”
Conservative “Yes.”
Liberal “You got a permit for that gun?”
Conservative “No, you got a permit to ask stupid questions?”
Here’s another one:
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Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? “
“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush....”
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Another one:
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THE PREACHER
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation, no one
wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda Mini-van to transport their children! The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the
Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”
More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her,
“Mrs. Jones,whatever possessed you to say
that?”
Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, “Screw the Preacher!”
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Karen made the appointment and visited Dr. Choo. After the physical, Karen confided in the Doctor that she had a two year dating dryspell, and wanted to know why. Dr. Choo said: "take off all your crothes and stand next to far wall".
Karen said: "Why". The Doctor said: "Do as I say for diagnosis". Karen proceeded to disrobe and stood against the far wall. Dr. Choo then told her to turn around and face the wall, and she did. The doctor then told her to bend over, and put her face between her legs. Karen objected and said: "Doctor, I just need to know why I am having a dating dryspell, what does this have to do with that?"
Dr. Choo reiterated his instruction and said: "prease do as I say for diagnosis." Karen proceeded to bend over and put her face between her legs. Waiting for the good doctor to give further instruction, Karen heard the doctor mumbling, so she asked what his diagnosis was.
Dr. Choo said: "You have Zachary's disease." Karen asked: "Zachary's disease, that doesn't sound good. What is Zachary's disease?" Dr. Choo replied: "Your face looks Zachary like your ass."
Tim Conway’s Elephant Story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY&feature=related
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Tim Conway - The Dentist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYzuchDBvCs&feature=related
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Copper Clappers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpVjW30I-YU
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Lawyers, Guns and Money
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjVbypiUOHA
One day he drops letters in the Jones' mail box. The door quickly opens up and there is Mrs Jones looking stop the car and look hot in a neglige, wearing lots of perfume.
She invites Harry in. One thing leads to another and they are in bed.
After that, she takes him by the hand to her kitchen and makes the best breakfast Harry has ever eaten. Then she hands him a dollar.
Harry is not complaining but he is a little confused. "Mrs Jones, I've been delivering your mail for 10 years. Every day it is "Hi Harry, how's the family?" But today...today was really something "different". I don't under stand.
"Well," says Mrs Jones. "Last night I mentioned to my husband that today is your birthday. You are almost like family and I wanted to do something special for you. So I asked him what I should do for you. He said "F" him, give him a buck!!!" Breakfast was my idea."
Cheers!
In my late grandmother's building, the elevator had a sign in it that always cracked me up.
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY DO NOT BECOME ALARMED.
PLEASE PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED "ALARM."
The Boy Baby pulls the front of his diaper open, points down and says, you don't have one of these.
The Girl Baby pulls the front of her diaper open, points down and says, with one of these I can get a hundred of those.
Very good!
I actually thought of you when I posted that one! ;-D
Good morning, God bless me with humility, and all.
“And all.” I agree!
Then I guess we can make it...
‘0’
Heh!
(Brevity in laughter!)
Good one, Judith Anne. I like this thread!!
I thought of you when I posted that one. ;-D God bless your day. PS, I love the little boy and the doggie knealing for prayers; what a great photo!
What is earthquake?
You call the elevator and you get the floor.
On salvation by faith alone.
There is a flood in town. The neighbor comes and offers space in his truck, so they can drive to safety. This man says, — “I am fine. God said, I will be saved”.
The water is rising and now the mayor is leaving in a boat. He offers space in his boat. “No, — the man replies, — I will be saved, according to the Word of God”.
The water is now to the roof, on which our man is standing. The polic helicopter arrives offering rescue. Same reply.
The man finally drowns, goes to heaven, and meets God.
— God, you told me I was going to be saved but I drowned!
— Who do you think sent the truck, the boat, and the helicopter?
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