Posted on 02/09/2009 12:36:11 AM PST by nw_arizona_granny
Yahoo ran an interesting article this morning indicating a rise in the number of survivalist communities cropping up around the country. I have been wondering myself how much of the recent energy crisis is causing people to do things like stockpile food and water, grow their own vegetables, etc. Could it be that there are many people out there stockpiling and their increased buying has caused food prices to increase? It’s an interesting theory, but I believe increased food prices have more to do with rising fuel prices as cost-to-market costs have increased and grocers are simply passing those increases along to the consumer. A recent stroll through the camping section of Wal-Mart did give me pause - what kinds of things are prudent to have on hand in the event of a worldwide shortage of food and/or fuel? Survivalist in Training
I’ve been interested in survival stories since I was a kid, which is funny considering I grew up in a city. Maybe that’s why the idea of living off the land appealed to me. My grandfather and I frequently took camping trips along the Blue Ridge Parkway and around the Smoky Mountains. Looking back, some of the best times we had were when we stayed at campgrounds without electricity hookups, because it forced us to use what we had to get by. My grandfather was well-prepared with a camp stove and lanterns (which ran off propane), and when the sun went to bed we usually did along with it. We played cards for entertainment, and in the absence of televisions, games, etc. we shared many great conversations. Survivalist in the Neighborhood
Excellent post.
Now I KNOW we're related in some way! WOOF!
“I HAVE TOMATO SEEDLINGS UP!!! “
Ours are up today, too. I put a bunch of seeds from a Canadian tomatoe my neighbor gave me several years ago. Wasn’t sure if they would grow or not, so I put several seeds in each starter plug. Well it looks like most of them are making it, so I guess I will have to separate them out when they get a bit bigger.
On this one, add your town to the search:
A few searches to keep us busy, too many for me to check them as they should be checked, please post what you think is good.
granny
I always try to remember the example of my Grandfather when considering emergency responses.
My Maternal Grandfather was a very deliberate, considering individual. His older brother was just about his opposite.
An episode that reflected those differences happened one day when they (both in their 70’s) were out deer hunting. On the way back out of the edge of the woods, they took a shortcut across a pasture. They had full permission to be there hunting, but only when they were in the middle of the field did they notice a very large bull in the field they were in. My grandfather’s brother told him to come on, let’s run for the fence. My grandfather grabbed him by the arm and said whoa... First of all one of us would probably have a heart attack, or fall and break a bone. Second, we are both armed and could drop the bull in his tracks if necessary... Third, if we had to, either of us could reimburse the farmer for his bull - So, lets just take our time and walk to the fence and the bull may not even notice us.
They leisurely walked to the fence and the bull never even stopped grazing.
So, our response to any emergency should be to Be Prepared - Have the tools and resources with you - But most importantly - DON’T PANIC.
Blessings, to all who are here - who care enough for their families and loved ones, to prepare!<<<
Those are mighty words that I agree with.
Glad you found us and sorry it took so long to get the ping out to you.
(IOW, if salaries could not be paid, staff would not be on payroll.) We may be on our own, sooner than we think.<<<
This is more true than many realize.
It is difficult to know if it is more hype or a fact.
Maybe some of the junk programs will be cut and the needed ones left in place?
For years, my fire department in this area was all volunteer men and women.
Good that you found us and thanks to Yorkie for inviting you.
You are welcome here, LOL, all you need to do is join in.
And there are 10,007 posts here that is the #1 of this thread.
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/chat/1990507/posts?q=1&;page=9901
Your waitress training is the most valuable training that you have, it has as a rule, found me a job the first day I went looking.
I once figured up the cost of taking a job in an aircraft plant, or remaining a waitress in a neighborhood coffee shop.
My shoes cost $5.99, the black taffeta skirt was $5.99 and the black and white checked blouse $2.99, I wore cheap nylons.
Added to that was snacks and drinks and one good meal a day and then I would have to have nice clothes to work in an office, decided that I could not afford to take the ‘better’ job, and I am a good waitress.
Worked at Sheldon’s for 8 years, met Bill there.
So goes life, you do what is right at the time and some day you will understand it all.
LOL, my brother shows up once a year or not at all, he lives closer to you and this year is building a house for himself, something he wants to do before he dies.
He has beat off a bunch of heart trouble and kidney cancer.
I have no idea how he passed 70 years so quickly.
Excellent idea, if you live where people care to survive.
Here survival is going to Laughlin to gamble.
I told that to my Rez Raised Chipewwa Wife and she said to tell you she was there right along with you! She was the one with the bow and arrows and a “Immigrant Go Home” sign! LOL!
So, our response to any emergency should be to Be Prepared - Have the tools and resources with you - But most importantly - DON’T PANIC.<<<
The don’t panic is the most important part of survival.
She was the one with the bow and arrows and a “Immigrant Go Home” sign! LOL!<<<
Laughing and thinking that was not exactly what I meant to say and admitting that the thought has crossed my mind.
Every time I hear a liberal say “we are a nation of immigrants”,
I am tempted to tell them that we wouldn’t be if their ancestors had stayed at home.
But then I admit that I like the benefits that I have had, passing as a whitey, my parents denied their Indian blood, due to being “one of them” so many times.
My aunts, spilled the beans when I was a middle aged woman and was talking to them about why I was different from others in the family.....boy did I get an ear full.
My one brother Ray and I have indian souls, they others are,,,,, well maybe they are Californians.
Page has many articles on surviving lost jobs, links are live on page:
http://www.rileyguide.com/cope.html
The Riley Guide: Before You Search
Coping with Job Loss
February 2009
We have the information you need to File for Unemployment Benefits. You may also find Networking and Support Groups to be helpful to you at this time.
Google
Custom Search
Transition Assistance after Job Loss, AARP.org
An excellent article outlining benefits for which you might qualify after losing your job. One of many good articles available on the topic of Job Loss Help from AARP.org.
Advice for the Involuntary Job Seeker
... Excellent article with pointers on how to cope with a sudden job loss. Under item #6, substitute your own university career center, who can point you towards available resources and services to suit you. Provided by The Career Center at Duke University.
Being Laid Off, Job-Hunt.org
...this new section of Job-Hunt.org includes a few articles on how to recognize a layoff may be coming, how to prepare both at the office and at home, and how to survive the process. A lot of this advice comes from the author’s own experiences (she herself went through the huge DEC layoffs of the 1980’s) along with those of her friends.
Unemployment Help from the AFL-CIO
Even if you are not a member of the AFL-CIO, you will find information here to help you and your family in the event of a job loss.
Coping with Job Loss
“Losing a job can be one of the most devastating personal crises of a lifetime. [...] Although financial decline is a serious issue, the blow to one’s ego is even more difficult to face. “ This article looks at the many things you may be feeling or experiencing after your loss, and then offers suggestions for handling or even defeating these negative influences so you can get back on the trail to new opportunities. From COPE, an organization dedicated to making workplaces in the greater Washington, DC, metropolitan area healthier and more productive. You may find even more helpful articles in their COPELines Library.
1800layoffhelp.com
...a website dedicated to helping those recently laid off as well as those who suspect the ax will fall soon. The front page is filled with news reports of employment trends, while the rest of the site covers Unemployment Help, Financial Help, or Miscellaneous. Several articles help you take those first important steps after a layoff or re-work your budget for the current “emergency” period, or save money at the grocery store. There’s a lot here, and it will take some time to dig through it all, but you will find some very helpful resources.
Change How You Think.org
...this site is operated by a life coach based in Ireland, but I like the many articles he has posted on ways to improve your outlook on life, deal with situations and people, and more.
If you believe you were dismissed unfairly, then you may want to check our resources on Your Rights as a Job Seeker / Employee.
Copyright 1998 - 2009, Margaret F. Dikel. Permission to reproduce and/or distribute print copies of these pages is hereby granted for non-profit purposes only, except where noted. No changes may be made to these copies without the express permission of the author. All other requests for copying and distribution including electronic distribution must be directed to the author. Permission is granted for you to link to this page or The Riley Guide at any time, but the location address (URL) may not be hidden through the use of frames. Please read our disclaimers. The Riley Guide is located at www.rileyguide.com. How to Contact Us.
LOL!
[This is also an interesting site for hints to writers....granny]
http://www.matilijapress.com/articles/misc_jobloss.htm
How to Survive Your Spouse’s Job Loss
by Patricia Fry
“Ever since my husband was laid off, he’s been horrible to live with,” says Barbara, a beautician in Los Angeles, California. “We all just tiptoe around him. I don’t know how to help him, especially since I’m as worried about how we’re going to pay the bills as he is.”
Nearly 8 million people in America are currently out of work (U.S. Department of Labor). In recent months, countless men and women, who felt secure in their jobs, have been sent home—their lives suddenly in turmoil. And it’s not just the unemployed person who is affected.
“I’m really frightened,” admits the wife of one man who recently lost his job. “We didn’t save for that rainy day and now it’s here.”
John has been unemployed several times during his 24-year marriage, so he knows how it feels. But he’s having trouble coping with his wife’s unemployment. “I don’t think she’s looking hard enough for work,” he says. “She resents my helpful suggestions. When I try to talk to her, we end up fighting. I feel like I’m the only one in this family who’s contributing anything.”
Lydia Garraway, M.S. L.P.C. & LCSW, is a counselor with Catholic Social Services in Montgomery, Alabama. She has counseled and consoled many families who are struggling through the shame, guilt and anxiety of unemployment. The fact is, when a family member is laid off their negative emotions can intrude on the well being of the family unit. Garraway explains, “When someone is terminated from a job, the whole family dynamic is affected. Many emotions erupt and the identity of who we are’ changes.”
Azriela Jaffe agrees. A couples expert and the author of ten books including, Create Your Own Luck and Let’s Go Into Business Together, Jaffe says, “Once fear of financial insecurity enters the household, it brings out the worst in everyone.” And she should know. Her own husband has been out of work for several months.
Jaffe describes a typical household after the primary breadwinner is laid off. “Husbands and wives fight more, the kids get clingy and scared and everyone tends to walk on eggshells around the newly laid off parent. No one knows quite what to do with the parent being home all day. When that person gets depressed or angry, the emotions expand throughout the household.”
And the spouse has his or her own set of fears. Says Jaffe, “These concerns range from the more serious, how are we going to get the bills paid?’ or what am I going to do to help my spouse keep his or her spirits up and to find a job?’ to even the simple, I’m sick of this person being in my space all of the time,’ and I don’t want to have to share my computer.’”
Elise is a stay-at-home wife and the mother of four small children in Covington, Kentucky. She recently went through all of the emotions that typically plague the spouse of an unemployed man or woman. And her husband was still working. She explains, “Chad was very unhappy in his job and was conducting a serious job search while working 50 hour weeks. Every free minute he had was wrapped up in time at the computer or time changing his resume or researching companies and locations—all of this at the expense of the family.”
With a stiff upper lip, she admits, “It was horribly frustrating for me to have to pick up the slack for the responsibilities he could no longer meet and also try to support him in his job search.”
How does one cope with these raging emotions? “Communicate,” say the experts. “It’s difficult to talk through all of these feelings,” says Garraway. “Yet talking is the key to helping the unemployed, the spouse and their children during this critical period.”
Susan Vogt is director of the Family Ministry office at the Diocese of Covington, Kentucky. When the Comair pilots were temporarily out of work recently in her area, she worked with the spouses. Her goal was to help them defuse their fear and frustration so they could offer positive support to their spouses. A major coping tool, according to Vogt, is “Talk, talk, talk.” She cautions, however, “Know what kind of talk your spouse prefers and note when he or she wants to talk.”
Elise and Chad had always shared an open line of communication, but it didn’t come as easily now. She says, “I tried to be there when he needed to talk, even if it was the same conversation reflecting the same fears and frustrations, over and over. Most of the time we spent together was devoted to discussing his unhappiness and the alternatives”
What can a supportive husband or wife say? What can they do? Elise admits to feeling completely helpless at times. “As things grew worse with his job, I feared he would simply quit—throwing us all into turmoil. Yet, it was so painful to see him struggle to keep up with all of the demands and pressures.”
She tried to ease the pressure by letting Chad know that she was open to the possibility of relocating. But she says, “In truth, the idea scared me to death.”
While Elise was trying to be her husband’s rock, it was also necessary for her to find her own strength and she did so through her faith. She explains, “I cannot overstate the power of prayer. I spent a lot of time outlining my worries and putting them in God’s hands. I put myself and my family on prayer chains. As much as possible, I let God handle the big stuff and I attended to the day to day details of running my life.”
She also found comfort in music. “Singing with the church choir, is my way to pray when no other words will come. I’m not disciplined enough to meditate, but I can belt out a hymn and take it right to the feet of the Lord.”
It’s human nature to want to DO whatever is humanly possible to help your spouse through this difficult time. Our experts suggest these techniques. “Be a cheerleader instead of a nagger,” says Jaffe. “Offer to help, but also accept no’ when the help is not wanted. Sometimes the spouse needs to put his or her energy into not doing anything directly.” And she suggests this: “Put your energy into taking care of yourself so that you have the emotional and psychological strength to withstand the pressure over the long term.”
She also recommends, “Lots of sex for a man—to keep his mood up and, for a woman, lots of hugs and encouragement.”
During the 14 months, Chad was looking for work, Elise helped him everyway she could think of. She made sure there was food to eat and quiet times for him to work on his job search. She maintained a routine whenever possible so the household ran more smoothly and she didn’t put pressure on him to socialize outside the house. She also proofread his resumes and cover letters. She says, “Being involved in the process made us both feel a bit more like partners.”
There was an unexpected factor that helped Elise and Chad through their ordeal. According to Elise, “We had started a weight loss program at the beginning of his search and, being able to control that, gave me some sense of control of my own life. We both lost weight and felt better because we were eating better.”
She also tried to stay organized. She explains, “I kept a detailed calendar in a central spot so we both knew at a glance what was happening. Lots of little details that seem trivial now were so huge then. Just having the laundry done, shirts pressed for appointments, phone messages organized, etc. took on a whole new importance.”
Tending to the spiritual, emotional and physical health of the family is vital when a job hunt is underway. But one should not fail to address the all important financial issues. According to Garraway, “The supportive spouse must attend to the budget as soon as possible and differentiate the wants from the needs of the household. A family agreement to live on a shoestring will make everyone feel helpful and will release some of the financial strain. This is where the children can take an active part in supporting the parent. The older children can make lists of things they can do without—movies, clothes, etc.—until their parent is back to work.”
She suggests challenging your family to find creative ways to pare the budget. “Find things to do and places to go that don’t cost money. This is also a good time to organize family photos, to share memories and reminisce about the positive times the family has shared.”
Garroway echoes Jaffe’s recommendation to take good care of yourself. She says, “It takes a strong and healthy person to support a spouse who is hurting. You must take time out for your own relaxation, exercise and positive interaction with friends and family.”
And there’s no better time than now to bind yourselves together spiritually. Garraway counsels her clients, “Take time to appreciate each other and the many blessings you do have as a family.” She says, “Some couples consciously list the things they have to be thankful for—good health, love for each other and the little income they do have coming in. One couple I worked with said they prayed a 9-day Novena to St. Joseph, the Patron Saint of workers. They felt a greater sense of faith and trust that things would work out for them and it did.”
Experts also recommend that you seek out human support for yourself. “I was Chad’s primary support system,” says Elise. “He didn’t have time to interact with anyone else. I needed support, too, but I couldn’t put that demand back on him.” Even though she loves her husband and wanted to help him through this crisis, she sometimes felt resentment. She admits, “I resented his inability to be happy in what I saw as a very secure position. I resented having to do all the work. I resented having to explain to the children over and over that daddy wasn’t available right now.”
So as not to burden her husband with her own negative feelings, she called on friends. She says, “When I needed to vent my resentment and frustration, I turned to a couple of close friends who listened without judgment.” She also lightened her own load by taking leave from some of her committees and asking other parents to help with some of their children’s activities. She says, “Decreasing the demands on my time made it easier to be here for the rest of the family.” And she offers this advice to others in her situation. “Be aware that you will both need outside people to talk to or you both end up dumping on the person who can’t really take any more dumping.”
Elise started keeping a journal. One of her friends suggested pouring out her feelings in letters and then burning them—sending the resentment away with the smoke. According to Elise, “It was cathartic. It sounds a bit crazy, but it was helpful.”
Nothing you do that helps you maintain an even emotional keel is crazy. As Garraway says, “If you need help—the situation is too painful, communication has broken down—ask for help. Asking for help is not a disgrace. In Ecclesiastics 2:18, we are told, There is a season for everything.’”
One good place to receive help whether you’re the unemployed person or the supportive spouse, is Catholic Social Services. “We have a sliding scale fee,” says Garraway. “Anyone can afford it.”
Even when things seem out of control and overwhelming, there is one thing we know for sure. Nothing stays the same. After a long 14 months, Chad found a good job close to home. This family could get back to normal. According to Elise, that was not as easy as it sounds.
“When the nightmare was finally over, we discovered we had a new problem,” says Elise. “We had become so accustomed to Chad being removed from the family life that it was hard to pull him back in. We didn’t remember how to communicate on a personal level. We didn’t remember how to be a big happy family. That surprised all of us. The kids were used to leaving him alone so it was difficult for them to turn to him. I had to encourage them to go to Daddy for some of their needs.”
In fact, Elise and Chad would handle things differently with the children, should something like this come up for them again. Elise explains, “We involved the kids in a lot of the issues and kept them informed. But in retrospect, I feel it created a lot of stress for them. They wondered if we would move, if they would lose friends.” She says that she wishes they had kept them more in the dark. “Just knowing that Dad was looking for a new job and needed to spend extra time in that project would have been enough information for them.”
Chad and Elise’s relationship is back on track. They’ve committed to teaching classes for marriage preparation groups and to mentor other couples preparing for marriage in their parish. According to Elise, “This not only gives us time together on a project, but helps us focus on our marriage.” They also schedule two date nights each month.
Chad and Elise made it through this turbulent time, but only because of their commitment to one another and to the Lord. Elise advises other families who are struggling with unemployment, “Keep active in church and pray with your partner.”
http://www.matilijapress.com/articles/gowithyourhunches.htm
Going With Your Hunches
by Patricia Fry
(Published by Woman’s Life Magazine 2003)
Have you ever said after something wonderful happened, “I must have been in the right place at the right time”? Do you sometimes think about someone just before they call you? We’ve all experienced spontaneous bouts of knowingness. But what if you could tap into your intuition to solve tough problems and make important decisions?
“You can,” according to Crystal Jonas Bevans, founder of Tap Your Genius in Colorado Springs, Colorado. In fact, successful businessmen and women often rely on hunches to build their wealth. Bevans talks about one of them. “Hilton, the guy who owns all of the Hilton Hotels, had a feeling about a bid he made on his first piece of hotel property. He called and changed his bid. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have gotten that piece of property.”
We all have those occasional nagging feelings nudging us to go in one direction or another. But most of us aren’t so quick to trust our instincts. Bevans explains, “Ours is a culture that privileges logic. We don’t really encourage people to cultivate the other senses like intuition.”
And we’re not so quick to trust our instincts. How do you know when that inner voice is valid? According to Bevans, intuition is not just a function of the mind. It’s the mind and body working together. She says, “You really do know when something is right or wrong for you by the way your body responds.”
She tells participants in her emotional intelligence seminars, “A good place to start developing that intuitive part of yourself is through yoga, meditation or going for a walk. You must quiet your mind and tune into what the body is telling you. When you notice a thought that makes you feel uncomfortable, explore it. How does it feel in the body? Is there tension anywhere?” If so, what you’re considering probably isn’t right for you at this time.
Penney Peirce, a professional intuitive and author of The Intuitive Way, describes how to read your own body language. “If your body expands or feels comfortable, warm and bubbly about an idea, it is probably right. If it contracts and feels cold or tight, the idea is probably either dangerous or inappropriate.”
While these body feelings always appear when we’re working through an issue, a scant 1% of us pay attention to them. Peirce says, “We don’t’ listen to ourselves because we don’t think we know anything. There’s a lack of self-esteem. We really have to develop the habit of centering in order to notice that, hey, the body knows. It just knows.”
Melanie Albert took courses in intuition training at the Kaiser Institute in Melbourne, Florida. Now, when she wants intuitive feedback, she uses a technique called body scan. She explains, “When I’m determining whether I wish to work with a client, I scan my body and notice where I feel sensations. For me, when I feel or react in my heart area and feel the energy moving fast though my body, it’s a positive sensation. When I feel restricted in my gut, the feedback is negative.”
Sometimes the answer you seek isn’t immediately accessible. In this case, you need to raise your intuitive antenna so you’re ready when the information becomes available. Maybe you’re out of work and you’re looking for a job. Bevans offers this, “Instead of expecting the worst, create the future and then you can find the opportunities.” She explains that when you are open to what the world has to offer, “You pick up on conversations. You might say something out loud and someone hears you. It all goes back to what you want the outcome to be.”
And that’s another aspect of intuition training or development—creating the outcome you desire. Bevans says, “Ask yourself, if you could have anything what would that be? Put that into your mind, write it out, detail it, add the emotions so you’ve got right and left brain thinking. Review it in what I call the magic moments of the day—the twilight hours in the morning when you wake up and when you go to bed at night. That’s when your subconscious mind is most effective. Then your subconscious mind goes to work finding those opportunities.”
She also suggests keeping a journal. “Keep track of everything. Write, I have a feeling that this is going to happen,’ and then follow up with it and find out if you were close or what part you had right. Then figure out, how did I know that? Was it body language?’ Did you notice something you wouldn’t normally notice?”
Cameron Hogan has worked professionally with Penney Peirce. He says that while he has been interested in honing his intuition for several years, “Men, in general, are particularly very bad at honoring the wisdom that comes through emotions. After time, however, you begin to learn the feeling state that you can trust.”
He once trusted his instincts in a highly difficult decision—whether to keep working or to quit his job and open his own business. He said, “It just came down to getting feeling in the gut. I knew what the right decision was. Often we do know what’s right, but it’s scary. You have to trust the intuition that this is the right thing to do and then it becomes immaterial how scary it is.”
Toronto intuitive, Arupa Tesolin, has designed a leading edge program to help men and women develop and use their intuition. She describes the most obvious kind of intuition: “A vision, a dream, a fleeting sensation, a feeling of knowingness, a very direct insight.” Through her Intuita MindWare programs, she offers a variety of techniques to help clients more precisely direct their intuitive powers—Animal Guide, for example. In this exercise, the individual asks a question and then waits for an animal to appear. The type of animal you see might give you all of the information you need. Or you may have to ask the animal to provide more clues.
Tesolin recalls the experience of an unemployed friend. “She was exhausted from sending out resumes, so she used the Animal Guide process. She asked how she could find a job and she saw a burro. When she asked the animal to go into motion, it just lay down and took a nap. She said, Okay, I’m not going to do anything at all for three weeks.’ On the last day of the third week, she got a phone call with a job offer”
Trusting is another issue for someone not accustomed to following his/her instincts. As Tesolin says, “We’ve been taught to give our trust to government, insurance companies, financial advisors, doctors, teachers. Ultimately, in the process, we’ve eradicated our self-trust.”
The ego plays a part in this lack of trust. But Peirce is among the experts who believe that we are slowly changing the way we approach issues in our personal and business lives. She says, “You can’t keep using so much will power and mental cleverness to get the job done. People are getting exhausted from it. It’s like overloading an old system and revving it up and revving it up and it just won’t go any faster.” What is the predicted outcome? According to Peirce, “I think we’re shifting from the information age to the intuition age.”
Patricia Fry is the author of A Writer’s Guide to Magazine Articles for Book Promotion and Profit (Matilija Press, 2000).
[LOL, this is what we are doing, ‘networking’...granny]
http://www.matilijapress.com/articles/networktosuccess.htm
Network Your Way To Success
by Patricia L. Fry
(from SPAWNews, February 2001)
In writing, there is a time for solitude and there is a time for connecting with others. While you may prefer creating behind closed doors in order to be read, you need to draw attention to yourself and to your work. Become as successful as you dare. Take advantage of the networking opportunities available to you virtually everywhere—through SPAWN, other writing and publishing organizations, on the Internet and even in your daily life. Here are some tips for the networker:
1. Gravitate toward those who have information you can use. Join organizations like SPAWN where you will meet others who are interested in publishing.
2. Be aware of the opportunities around you. Listen to others and if you think they have information you can use, ask them about it. Most people are eager to help.
3. Know what specific information or resources you want. Often people ask me, “How can I get my book or my article published?” There’s no way to answer that question in five or ten minutes. Ask, instead, “Can you recommend a good book on self-publishing?” Or “Where can I find the most complete list of magazine editors?”
4. Be considerate. Don’t take up too much of anyone’s time. If you need more information or resources than they can offer in just a few minutes, make an appointment for a paid consultation or at least take the person to lunch.
5. Be gracious. Sometimes the advice or information you receive is something you have tried or that you feel uncomfortable with. Don’t criticize his ideas. Courteously accept the offering and move on.
6. Do your own research. Never ask the other person to make the contact for you or to do additional research, when it is something you can do yourself.
7. Give thanks. People like to know they have been effective in their goal to help you. Time, thoughtfulness and energy have value. Honor the gift by telling the giver how his/her information helped you.
When you are the networkee:
1. Give willingly to others when they ask for your help. Likewise, if you run across something that you think might be of interest to a colleague, pass it along.
2. Know when to say “no.” Sometimes people are so excited about the information and resources you’re sharing that they can’t stop asking for more. If you feel tapped out, politely offer the other person your card. Suggest that they make an appointment for a paid consultation or recommend a good book they can read or Web site they can visit on the subject.
3. Help people to help themselves. Merely show them the way, don’t do the work for them.
4. Give graciously. In other words, don’t be attached to how the other person uses the information you give them. Everyone has a different level of motivation and self-discipline. Expecting someone who is not a self-starter to start a publishing business overnight is not a reasonable expectation.
5. Follow-up. If you think of something more you could give to the networker, contact him with the additional information. Likewise, call or email him within a couple of weeks to see how he is progressing with his project. Remember that successful networking is a give and take proposition.
Patricia Fry is the author of A Writer’s Guide to Magazine Articles for Book Promotion and Profit (Matilija Press, 2000).
[only a small part, also list of Father type groups/info]
http://www.matilijapress.com/articles/fathersinamerica.htm
The Reality of Paternal Imprinting
But the transition from working Dad to caretaking Dad isn’t easy for most men. As Kelly Gene Davis, in an article for Full-Time Dads, says, “I was not raised to care for children nor to clean house and cook meals for I was a boy and these areas were unnecessary for me to learn.”
Dr. Bruce Gladstone of the Gladstone Counseling Center in Ojai, California is one professional who is greatly bothered by the fact that society is so slow to recognize the importance of the father’s involvement within the family. He explains, “Since women carry and bear our children and are physically equipped to feed them early in life, it has been assumed quite naturally that they are better suited to child-rearing than fathers. Nurturing and caring for a child has traditionally been regarded as ‘woman’s work’ and unmanly.
“Even before the Industrial Revolution, men hunted, grew crops, constructed buildings, made and sold products, waged war and women cared for the children. Most boys and girls rarely experienced their fathers as a source of warmth, affection, softness, nurturance and emotional support.”
Today, we’re asking men to be fathers. But boys need a living example of what it is to be a man and a father. Lynn Weeks, a family and marriage counselor in Ventura, CA, understands this need. Looking back now, he says, “I needed to be confirmed as a male, which I think is, perhaps, the most essential thing I needed from my father. My father was present, but absent. In his absence, I relied entirely upon the blessings of other men and upon the approval of my peers.”
Many experts believe that boys without strong male role models are at higher risk of becoming gang members as a fatherless boy is as likely to look to a gang leader for support and guidance as he is a boys’ club leader, teacher or church leader, for example. If he’s carrying around the unresolved grief of abandonment, he may even lean toward the gang leader for in that environment, he’ll surely have the opportunity to act out his anger.
Breaking The Cycle
Some boys grow up to become the fathers they wanted despite lousy role models. Anthony (36) recalls, “I can remember how it felt to look out into the audience of parents when I was in a school play or to scan the spectators’ bench when I was playing sports and seeing that my dad had not shown up again. I don’t ever want my kids to feel the way I did back then. I take a genuine interest in their activities. Not only is this a plus for them, but my involvement is helping me to heal my own father-longing.”
Forty-year-old Gerald stopped the cycle of fatherlessness in his family. Raised by an alcoholic mother and an abusive, alcoholic stepfather, Gerald has few happy childhood memories. According to Gerald, “I was alone a lot, either at home or waiting in the car for them to finish `one more drink.’ I’ve never felt I was very important to them. To this day, Dad never calls or writes. When I call him, he just makes excuses why he has to get off the phone right away. I have my own kids now. They’re great kids and I spend a lot of time with them.
“People who know about my childhood sometimes ask about my strong involvement with my kids. I tell them, ‘I just try to be how I wanted my father to be.’ I wish things had been different for me, but I can’t do anything about that. I can help to make life good for my kids, though,” says Gerald.
Ronald, too, has grim memories of his childhood. He says, “Dad was drunk and always coming home late. I lay awake listening to him beat Mom, her crying, him loading guns while giving us kids’ names to each bullet, watching him choke her to unconsciousness and on and on. I ran away from home for the first time at age 14. I got heavy into drugs and alcohol. I stole cars, broke into houses. From age 16 to 18, I was mostly incarcerated – a total loser. Now I have three sons and they never cry themselves to sleep because of what Daddy’s doing to Mommy. They don’t feel a wave of terror when I come home from work. Thank God they’ll never know that terror.”
Help Is On The Way
While some men are successfully working their own way out through the mire of negative paternal imprinting, more and more programs are becoming available for those who need help.
Charles A. Ballard, founder and president of The Institute For Responsible Fatherhood and Family Revitalization, for example, believes, “Too many fatherless boys end up fathers themselves, extending their legacy of hopelessness to a new generation.” And he says, “Fatherhood is inside every boy at birth, but the kind of nurturing he gets from his father will determine how far it goes.”
Through his Institute he tries to take up the slack where former generations of fathers have failed. He works with young fathers to help them build their self esteem, resolve issues with their own fathers, find solutions to problems with the mother of their child, learn parenting skills and get decent work.
Ballard, who started this program in Cleveland and is in the process of expanding it to other states, says that 97 percent of the 2,000-plus fathers who have graduated from his program are now more involved fathers who help to support their children.
Are programs such as Ballard’s necessary? It seems so. It’s obvious that boys aren’t learning parenting skills at home. And, as Dr. Gladstone points out, mainstream society isn’t providing in this area. According to Gladstone, “I’m worried about how we teach young boys to be fathers or young girls to be mothers. It seems like our schools don’t concern themselves with these roles very much.
“The most important things that are going to happen in your life is being married and trying to have a long-term relationship with somebody. The reason for doing that is so you can raise a family and society can have a certain level of prosperity and stability. Yet we neglect the teaching of those things. We assign them to the family or to religious organizations, both of which don’t really work out too well.”
The effect of fatherlessness and the decline of the traditional family on America’s children and the future of our society is an extremely serious matter, and we’re seeing the repercussions now.
Every father is responsible for the lessons his children learn. A child with access to her father learns about life and living through interactions with him. Fatherless children learn from their fathers, too. They learn not to trust. And they learn to live with the pain of rejection. While some fatherless children carry on despite the pain, others transfer their pain to others through violent acts.
Men who think their part in their child’s life ends with impregnation, need to take a very serious look around them. Divorced women who don’t believe their children need their fathers in their lives, are wrong, wrong, wrong. Fathers are not expendable, disposable, unnecessary or replaceable. They are vital to the future of their children.
Fatherhood Redefined
Most men become more involved parents, not through peer pressure nor an innate desire to do so, but through his wife’s urging. They stay involved, however, because they discover that they love being with their kids. Still, many dads won’t admit how much they enjoy fatherhood. They think that other men wouldn’t understand it if they said, “I won’t be attending the company awards banquet tonight, I’d rather spend the time with my kids.” or “I choose not to go fishing with you this weekend because I want to support my son in his first soccer game.”
The New Fatherhood
There is a shift taking place within our families today. Men are slowly being educated
about parenthood and their vital role as a father. They’re being encouraged to become more involved. And they’re having some positive examples placed before them.
Houston Oiler tackle David Williams, for example, caused a stir among his football colleagues and fans, but made a strong statement about a father’s devotion to his family in the face of work demands, when he missed a game to be with his wife during the birth of their child.
Entertainer Billy Joel quit his scheduled tour to spend time with his daughter.
Country music superstar Garth Brooks put his sky rocketing career on hold to become an active family man.
It’s common for mothers to give up or postpone their careers for the sake of their families, but when a man chooses fatherhood over his career, that’s news!
Although probably not quite big enough to be considered a movement, there is motion – a pioneering effort – toward the reconciliation of fathers and their sons and fathers and their daughters. But, as with anything new, no matter its merit, there are stumbling blocks and fathers are finding them aplenty.
Issues around work and family are a major source of inner conflict for many men. They don’t want to miss out on watching their children grow up, nor do they want to see their families financially stressed. While some men have the courage to down-shift their careers in order to be a more significant part of their children’s lives, others can’t bring themselves to cut back and lower their standard of living. And the truth is that government and the corporate sector are slow to support the efforts of men who want to be better fathers.
“It’s a tough,” says Dr. Gladstone. “I know what men are going through, because this is an issue for me, too. I’m gone too much and I worry about this. I try to be home as much as I can and yet, economically, it’s difficult. My wife and I wanted to find a way to save money so I could free up more time to be home. We thought that a basic way to do that is to have a lower house payment and we decided to get a smaller house.
“What we found out is that if we sell the house we’re in, we’ll lose our investment to capital gains taxes because we’re going to buy a house that doesn’t cost as much. We would be punished for doing that. We only get rewarded if we buy a house that’s more expensive and that puts more demand on me to have to work more hours and have to be away from my children more.”
Daddy’s Home!
Both parents in two-thirds of all two-parent families work today. And many modern couples enter parenthood expecting to share the responsibilities fifty/fifty. Some parents are so good at it that they transcend parental gender boundaries and become practically interchangeable. But many others struggle to adjust: he to her level of expectation and she to his level of willingness and ability. The working mother knows she can’t do it all. She wants help. But does she want to relinquish control?
Dr. Michael K. Meyerhoff is the executive director for The Epicenter, Inc., the Education for Parenthood Information Center in Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts. He wrote an article recently for Parent and Preschooler Newsletter, reflecting the mother’s tendency to discourage the father from becoming involved in the day to day routine of their children’s care. He writes, “Most new fathers who attempt to participate in the care of their young children discover they are awkward and ineffective and they quickly become discouraged. While most new mothers initially welcome the efforts of their husband, they soon decide to step in and take over all tasks in order to ensure the well-being of their children and spare their spouse further embarrassment.”
He continues, “Are modern-day males doomed to failure despite their admirable intentions? Are they fighting against insurmountable biological obstacles? No. Once again, we are merely dealing with mental attitude, not inherent aptitude. A father who will pursue childcare tasks with ease and proficiency is simply a father who has never been led to believe he couldn’t.”
Dr. Meyerhoff advises, “Mom, lighten up, step back and give your guy a decent chance. Dad, dismiss your doubts, ignore the interruptions and don’t let the difficulties get you down. Just do it.”
When asked (and men rarely are), fathers report that they’re overwhelmed by fatherhood. One nervous first-time father said, “It’s scary to think that this little being is totally dependent on me and that I, along with my wife, are wholly responsible for his well-being, his childhood and his future. It’s exciting, but it’s scary.”
Dr. Pamela Jordon has focused her last fifteen years of research toward first time fathers. In an article for Modern Dad Magazine she urges new fathers, “Establish rituals or routines that allow you to spend some time with the baby every day.” You could put the baby to bed every evening or handle bath time and breakfast every morning, for example.
According to Dr. John Robinson, director of the Americans’ Use of Time Project at the University of Maryland, a study of 5,000 American men and women between the ages of 30 and 50, showed that even though men’s involvement in household work and childcare is now double what it was in 1965, women still handle 2/3 of the workload at home.
It’s difficult for men to just take over from a woman who has set the agenda – who, for generations has been groomed to handle the details of home and family. As Brent McBride, director of the Child Development Laboratory at the University of Illinois points out, “If we want men to change behaviors, we have to help them do so. We’re putting this expectation on men to do more but, as a society, we aren’t providing them the institutional mechanisms to make the changes.”
Fathers lacking the education and experience, rely on the direction and rules set by the more knowledgeable parent, the mother. Thus, a father alone on an outing with his children or at home alone with his children is often considered a baby sitter.
Paul Kandarian, an editor at the Taunton Daily Gazette in Taunton, Massachusetts and a father, objects to being called a baby sitter. He says, “There is no part of my day that I enjoy more than when I come home to be with my children. For all the aggravation of parenthood, for all the time it takes, for all the nights spent up with them when they’re sick, for all the broken toys stepped on, for all the diapers changed, for all the scraped knees, for all the sticky, slimy and smelly moments of it, I wouldn’t trade a single second of my life as a father for anything else in the world. When I put my kids to bed each night I love them as much as I possibly can – only to wake up the next morning loving them a little bit more.” And he ends the article by saying, “Let’s hear a baby sitter say that.”
Stay-at home dad, Peter Baylies shares a similar sentiment, “I don’t expect to go back to work. The rewards of this job are too great. Every time I put my son to bed and he says, “I love you Daddy, I realize I did a good job that day. I could never get that sort of satisfaction from any other career.”
This is excerpted from Patricia Fry’s book-in-progress, Fatherhood and Fathering; The Ultimate Guide For Today’s Dad.
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