Monty Python Bruce Sketch
Posted on 09/08/2006 2:58:35 AM PDT by sully777
Wife: How many women on PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Husband: I don't know. How many?
Wife: Three.
Husband (curious): Oh, how come three?
Wife (on the verge of tears, red-faced and screaming): It just does!
Dude needs to surrender his testicles and carry a purse.
Sniglets: words for things that should have words but don't (By Rich Hall):
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' dee yon ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' ree um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or, ear).
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp)
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
THERMOSTATRICS (ther mo stat' rix)
n. Similar to 'elecelleration' above, the mistaken notion that if you set the thermostat to 95 degrees the room will warm up to a comfortable 70 degrees faster.
How can you tell when a blonde has been using your word processor?
White-out on the screen.
Shalom.
The bank officer says, "Madam, we'd be happy to assist you. As you may not know, generally with a loan we need something of value that we can use as collateral. Would you have anything of value which could secure a $5,000 loan?
The woman says nothing but puts her car keys on the table and waves to the window. Outside is parked a vintage Rolls Royce that appears to be in perfect condition. "Is that your Rolls?" he asks, somewhat surprised. She nonchalantly nods her head. "Excuse me just a moment," he says.
After a few moments he returns to the office and says, "Everything appears to be in order. The title on the car is clean and there is no lien. We will be happy to accept the car as collateral. If you'll just sign this document I'll go get your cash." He then hands the keys to one of the banks' runners to move the car down to the parking garage.
The blonde gets her money and leaves while the loan officer and several other of the bank employees laugh at the stupid blonde who puts up a $75,000 car as collateral for a $5,000 personal loan.
Two weeks later she is back and turns in the $5,000. He tells her that $13.45 in interest is due, which she pays by check. The loan officer sends a runner for her car and says, "Madam, is it OK if I ask you a question?"
"Sure," she replies.
"Well, while you were gone we did a little checking and we found out that you are actually quite wealthy. In fact, we can't imagine why you would need $5,000 to go on a vacation anywhere in the world? Do you mind telling me why you arranged for that loan?"
"Well," she said slowly, "can you think of anywhere else in Manhattan I could park my Rolls for two weeks for $13.45 and expect to get it back in good shape?"
I guess there are smart blondes.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
One word for you:
decaf
Erm,
I think you're winning.
Which one of me?
Shalom.
It might mean less trouble with the BATFE............
50 Ways to Get Bin Laden
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5139269084770304507&q=weird+al+is%3Afree
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