Monty Python Bruce Sketch
Posted on 09/08/2006 2:58:35 AM PDT by sully777
I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.
Belushi does Joe Cocker...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxXqKklluB8&eurl=
Ever hear the Mah-Na Mah-Na Samba? The song was originally written by Piero Umiliani for an "art" film from the late 1960s called Sweden: Heaven & Hell and both variations appeared on the soundtrack.
AND the soundtrack album has been re-issued.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahna_Mahna
How does a cucumber hold a hairbrush?
And what's holding up his towel?
And why does anybody care since a cucumber is just skin from top to bottom?
And what are cucumbers, pears, tomatoes, peaches, and asparaguses (asperagusses?, asperagi?, asperagae?, WHATEVER) doing cohabitating where children can see? Is this some sort of wierd effort to re-define the family?
And who said that communist tomato could decide how to redistribute the private property of the other flora in the building?
And what are all these fruits and vegetables doing singing silly songs instead of making me a salad?
Nevermind, Now I'm all hungry. Off to lunch.
Shalom.
How does a cucumber hold a hairbrush?
And what's holding up his towel?
And why does anybody care since a cucumber is just skin from top to bottom?
And what are cucumbers, pears, tomatoes, peaches, and asparaguses (asperagusses?, asperagi?, asperagae?, WHATEVER) doing cohabitating where children can see? Is this some sort of wierd effort to re-define the family?
And who said that communist tomato could decide how to redistribute the private property of the other flora in the building?
And what are all these fruits and vegetables doing singing silly songs instead of making me a salad?
Nevermind, Now I'm all hungry. Off to lunch.
Shalom.
Shalom.
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
... Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
If it was a hit as wiki says, then I must have heard it, but I don't remember anything about it. Will have to check this one out.
Aghast at the thought of what might be happening the two forced the door open and burst in, only to see the great composer scratching out the notes on sheets of manuscript.
"What are you doing????!!!!!!" they cried out in horror.
"I'm decomposing."
Shalom.
Shalom.
That's hilarious
They look at the shot guy and pronounce him dead.
The redneck is very upset."Doc? Is there anything I could have done to save my buddy? I ran as fast as I could for help!"
The doctor replies, "You know. The wound was fairly minor. He might have made it hadn't you gutted him out and hung him from a tree!"
Yah. What a memory.
Great,now I know what to get you for Christmas Max.
MM
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, 'Let's go over to that bar for a drink.'
The lady with the Chihuahua said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'
The one with the Doberman said, 'Just watch, and do as I do.'
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'
The woman with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The bouncer said, 'A Doberman?'
The woman said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.'
The bouncer said, 'OK, come on in.'
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, 'What the heck,' so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'
The woman said, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The bouncer said, 'A Chihuahua?'
The woman with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua??? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua?!?!'
Every writer has received rejection slips; too many of them for most. This may be the "mother of all rejection slips," translated from a Chinese economic journal. It goes like this:
"We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity."
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