I found this piece on a military-oriented site. Most likely people in uniform who took more than a cursory glance -- as you two obviously did -- would find it amusing.
Posted on 02/14/2005 8:00:20 PM PST by walford
U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.
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U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in
the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and
will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean,
mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: A1C _____________ Date: ________________
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U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but
will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature: E2 _____________ Date: ________________
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NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to
have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter,
are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!" X____________________
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According to the NRA's American Rifleman December 2004 issue, Coastguardsman Douglas A Munro earned the Congressional Medal of Honor at Guadalcanal in 1942.
Anyone serving Uncle Sam in the military has my appreciation and respect, no matter what branch.
Ditto. I respect members of all branches of the military. Their lives are not useless, as stated in the oaths. I quit reading when I got to that word. My own daughter is serving in the Army. I have met many of the brave young Americans that serve with her. Not a useless one in the bunch.
I spent eight years on subs fighting the Soviets and I thought they were all hysterical (and accurate in many respects).
First I've seen it, and I enjoyed them all! Especially enjoyed the Marine, Navy and AF ones, as I have family and friends in all three.
All kidding aside though, those of us who've served know we're always poking fun at the sister services, mainly during peacetime. Wartime is different, we understand and appreciate each services sacrifice, contribution and missions.
Thanks for posting, they've already been sent out.
Cheers!
Buhahahahahahaha! That's the most comprehensive one I've come across. Fwd'g to my lists. I just wish I had friends from the CG and USAF to rag over theirs! Thanks for the laughs!
"I just wish I had friends from the CG and USAF to rag over theirs!"
My wife was a Coastie, she has nothing nice to say about them. But they are some brave folks who are often taken for granted. Remember, during the Perfect Storm, they unhesitatingly flew directly into that mess to save people.
So as far as I'm concerned, these jokes are all done with love.
Humor bump.
Classic! As good as the first oaths were, I laughed out loud at the last one.
Oh I know, look at my profile. :o) It's good natured ribbing. My Army & Navy friends give it back, trust me on that!
It's been posted before, but I haven't seen it for at least a couple of years.
As a former sailor, I have to attest to the absolute accuracy of the Navy Oath of Allegiance, except that a crucial detail was omitted: I hereby swear to NEVER wash my coffee cup. (The black crud gives the coffee "flavor.")
As a not so former soldier, I had to laugh a bit there, too--I've been to so many training sessions since basic that I no longer remember which ones I've done. And I haven't even been in a year yet!
At least the Air Force appreciates the virtues of Gold Bond powder [warning, slightly risque].
http://www.razzorr.com/post/14jan05/GoldBondPowder.wmv
You also have to be six feet tall to join the Coast Guard. That is so you can wade ashore if your boat sinks.
Do you know why the Army got the mules and the Navy got the Marines? Army had first choice.
From an old Sailor.
I, Killer Bug, in lieu of going to college, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States SeaBees, the land bound manly team of the U.S. Navy because I want to make the Marines jealous that I too am issued an M-14 and a sling of grenade. I love living in canvas tents not muddy or dusty foxholes.
I thought the Air Force was too "snooty and clean," and because I thought, "Yes, I like water for mixing with alcohol, but I don't care for the leaches in it...swimming is only for when I must, like taking a shower". I promise to wear greens and a helmet, to have my name stenciled on every item of clothing issued to me. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Party Man all summer long, and for a happy drunk during the winter.
I will strive to use a filthy language that will shock the entire English-speaking world, using words like "xxxx, xxxxx, and xxxxxxxxxxxxx," when I mean exactly what I say and do not want misunderstanding from anyone of any rank or rating.
I will take great pride in the fact that all Naval Officers are best satisfied that I do not salute them or any other officer for that matter. I will not be offended if the new Battalion Commander drops to retie his shoes as I approach.
The SeaBees are completely different from all the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever when sober. I will roll out at dawn or before every morning to get the coffee on and equipment started unless I am still drinking with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0630 hours still under the influence.
I vow to hone my whiskey filled plastic canteen handling skills to the point that I can stand in a 90 mph wind and still not spill a drop or need to lick my lips.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least quarterly each fiscal year. I realize that, if admittedly ever selected for Chief, I will have kissed butt from Day One. My new found "colleagues" will have done the same and cannot brag too loudly about their seniority.
So help me Sunburn.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
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SeaBee heavy equipment operators are issued Rolaids, Doans Pills and Preparation H weekly.
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