Tribe Calls for Eilish Eviction [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 February 2026 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

At the most recent Grammy Awards, singer Billie Eilish asserted that "no one is illegal on stolen land." While her intent was to denounce the deportation criminal aliens being conducted by Immigration, Customs and Border (ICE) officers, the Tongva tribe has called for her "to be evicted from the land that was stolen from us."

Chief Anthony Red Blood Morales explained "we appreciate her admission that she is occupying land that was stolen from our people. We look forward to her agreeing to exit this land or propose an equitable rent or leasing fee to continue her occupation of our land."

Eilish objected, saying "I wasn't the one who stole their land. I paid for the property using my own hard-earned money. I own it now fair and square. It would be unfair to charge me rent when I've already incurred the expense of buying it."

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), a self-professed Native American herself, called this "an opportunity to right ancient wrongs done to the original inhabitants of the land that is now called the United States. Ms. Eilish's acknowledgment that she's living on land that rightfully belongs to the Tongva tribe can be rectified by undoing the chain of illicit dispossession inflicted on those of us who are of native descent. I will be introducing legislation calling for the restoration of these lands to the original owners and voiding all claims held by the recipients of the stolen properties."

"Under my bill, each Indian tribe in the US will have the option to work out leasing or rental agreements with the current occupiers, if they so choose," Warren said. "They will also have the option to evict the occupiers and sue for the restoration of the land to its condition before it was stolen. One way or another, we will undo this blot on our nation's history."

---

TOPICS: Government; History; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: billiedumbdish; billiemouthish; music; satire; stolenland; tongva; warren

[Governor Dinwiddie]

What about stolen cars? Is nobody illegal in a stolen car? Asking for a friend.

[John Semmens]

ping

[KittyKares]

I wouldn’t mind it happening to Eilish since she made such a point of it being stolen land. But leave the rest of us alone.

[SunkenCiv]

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[dayglored]

I remember when I was 24, I said some stupid things too. Not at this scale, mind you; they were of a more interpersonal nature.

She should sit down an STFU until she's 30. Or maybe 40. Or maybe never.

Industrial Grade Stupid might not be curable.

[MikelTackNailer]

She's getting utterly ridiculed from all sides for it.
This AI video has a collection of shorts that are brutal:

Billie Eilish - "Dumb Girl" (The Brutally Honest "Bad Guy" Parody)

[NFHale]

Time for her to put her money where her mouth is.

Just another Useful Idiot tool for the Left.

[Diana in Wisconsin]

LOL!

[Seaplaner]

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) discounted these results "because these polls only include registered voters. If elections were really restricted to this narrow constituency we would be worried. However, many states governed by our Party don't limit ballots to only those who are registered to vote. They don't require IDs to cast a ballot. So Democrats can cast multiple ballots though early voting, absentee voting, after election day balloting, and ballot harvesting. Haven't you been paying attention to elections we've been winning where there are more ballots cast than there are registered voters in the district?"

AHA!

We know this passage is satire because the quote would have Schumer telling the truth.

(Which he is typically reluctant to do.)

Thanks John, for another fine and more-than-semi-newsworthy column.

[smokingfrog]

[John Semmens]

you’re welcome

[John Semmens]

Thx