HELP!! Insane Daughter-in-Law!! SWMBO! The Queen Of Death! (Vanity)

11/08/2021 | AZJoe

[Az Joe]

Please excuse the personal nature of this story but I am getting very desperate and I thought there would be others on here that have dealt with a similar situation who might have advice/suggestions/etc

My son married this gal (SWMBO) 10 years ago. As time has gone on she has become more and more: Controlling, domineering, misandristic (hatred of men), you name the pathology.

Obviously, sad to admit, my son has completely lost his balls. He works hard and prefers to lay back and let her run roughshod over my 3 grandkids, me, him and whoever else might cross her path. SWMBO drops the 3 kids off at school in the morning and then does nothing until she goes and picks them up at the end of the day. She certainly doesn't clean the house or yard up. I think she plays computer games/watches TV all day. She doesn’t do much to keep up her physical appearance. My son comes home from work and takes the kids out to the park or community pool while she stays home. She does cook the meals. I watch the dogs on occasion for them while they’re up north a hundred miles to her mothers for several days. Once I found the kitchen in a horrible state of filth. Food on the floor, (chunks of it,) dishes piled in the sink and all over the counters two feet high. The children’s rooms a total disaster area. It was sickening. So I went to work and did what I could. But I felt heartbroken for my son, who works so hard to provide for his family.

SWMBO has become enraged with me a couple of times to the point, that at times, if I didn't walk away, I think she may have physically attacked me when I have simply ignored her and went about my business of visiting my son and my 3 grandkids. She tries to be extremely provocative in order to get me to respond and get myself in trouble. Fortunately I know women like her and remain calm.

[caww]

Sorry this is happening but until your son decides he wants another lifestyle there’s nothing you can do. In fact you could be enabling him to remain in some respects. Don’t feed the beast either.

Frankly stay out of it. ...and though uncomfortable for you live by their restrictions they’ve established and otherwise live your own life.

[sockmonkey]

*** Much of this is happening because your son permits it.
He permits this behavior for his own reasons. ***

Exactly 100% correct

[griffin]

I had a wife like this....except she would write notes, in her own code, to herself, had missing time where she didn't know if she had left the house, and would try to talk herself out of pins, razors and other things in regards to hurting the kids.

She did little housework, would try to hide the kids shoes and clothing so I couldn't take them to the playground. Had her mother come over and do the laundry, cooking, etc.

When I finally figured out the code of the notes she was writing I was worried sick about my kids when I left for work. I tried to talk to her about the notes and her controlling behavior, but she wouldn't talk.

Long story short, I got the child protective services involved and tried to get her psych help via the protective agencies. They refused to help. The only recourse I had was to force it by getting the kids away from her via custody...that meant separation of divorce proceeding. That turned into a 3 year, 30k battle that I lost when the feminist guardian ad litem took her side and the psychologist involved saw no problem with the notes.

At the end of the deal she ended up with full physical custody and half joint legal custody. I ended up with a broken family and living alone because the judge didn't have the balls to deviate from the sellout psychologist and the feminist guardian opinions, regardless of the notes.

All I had was a fresh faith that only God could protect my little girls unless I wanted to take them and hit the road...which is no life for kids.

The upshot is poor choices have consequences and sometimes the kids end up paying the price. Life is a trade off. Grandparents DO have legal rights to see the grandkids, but leveraging those rights legally through court has monetary and relationship costs.

Choose your steps very carefully and weight the costs vs. the benefits. As you know kids grow very fast and are fairly resilient....my advice is to do what you can in this situation to let the kids know you are there for them. Trust in the Lord and pray for them. This will pass. Keep a watchful eye for acute threats and act if you must...but being the motivating force of ripping a family apart, that has SOME order, is not a good thing. Often times, things could be much worse. Be thankful for that.

AND DRINK!!!! :)

[agere_contra]

There seems to be little that you can do. But there’s cause for hope.

I had a similar, lesser experience. Lesser because - unlike you - I didn’t carry the weight of parental care.

My ‘swmbo’ seemed pretty far gone. She had basically mounted a two-year long home invasion(!) and was holding hostages.

There seemed to be nothing that I could do. Not from long distance anyway.

So - unable to think of anything else - I committed her to the Sacred Heart. I prayed (and I still pray) for her conversion, and for her children. I asked God to untie the knots that were tying us up.

Not much seemed to be happening. Seemed. But something was. You’ll appreciate that sometimes enormous things move below the surface.

Only just yesterday my ‘swmbo’ and I had a warm, cordial conversation. We’re beginning to find a real joy in each others company. It turns out that we have a lot in common. I would never have thought it possible a year ago.

So anyway - even if you’re not a praying man yourself, plenty of FReepers are. May God restore friendship and joy to you and your family.

[thesearethetimes...]

No!
Do not get any bureaucratic entity involved,

[joe fonebone]

I was married to a swmbo for a long time... I will come back around later to chime in

[pingman]

How much is a good Khasshogging worth?

[liberalh8ter]

I'm sorry for your situation but at this point, it's up to your son. Right now, it seems as though you have a relationship with him and the grandkids, you just can't see them because of her…..that's where your son comes in. He has to make that change. If he is unwilling or afraid to out his foot down, there's nothing you can do. I suggest you explain to him that you miss your grandchildren and him but cannot proceed in that toxic environment. Perhaps you could suggest that he and the kids meet you somewhere on one of his days off as a means to keep that relationship going. If he tells you he can't do that, then you have a decision to make. Put up with the current situation or tell your son when he decides your presence in their life is meaningful, let you know.

[combat_boots]

This

[griffin]

In MN, back in 2000....I did all that and it got me nowhere over 3 years. Its a HUGE uphill battle. The sick wife ignored judges orders multiple times for psych evaluations with no recourse for me except to file another motion and affidavit and drag her back into court ($1500 and 2 months wait/schedule time each iteration). She could stall and stall until the cows came home. Only after 18 months and 4 trips back to court did the judge crack down on her. ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING.

Perhaps different where you or the OP live, but the cost to the family will not be insignificant.

All in all, very well informed advice, though results may be very disappointing. Good job on advice, regardless. :)

[ronniesgal]

what does swmbo stand for?

[griffin]

NICE!! :)

[JudyinCanada]

I JUST had a visit from a good friend yesterday. She and her husband have the same sad, sad situation. Their DIL is determined they are going to have as little to do with his parents and sister as possible. When I say these are LOVELY people, I’m not kidding.

The DIL got her meat hooks into this boy when he was only 16 years of age and has managed to keep him isolated and only serving her ever since. She’s crafty, as she can put on such a nice front when she wants - looks like a super mom. She has been popping a kid every 2 years, and they now have six of them. The house is a disaster, and the poor husband comes home to chaos and starts cleaning up and cooking from the time he gets home. He’s a smart guy. An engineer - 33 years old. He’s trapped.

We have decided the DIL is a narcissist. Very dangerous people. There’s no cure. My poor friend feels like she’s walking on eggs whenever she sees them, and she sees them seldom now. She is petrified of the day they get cut out completely and she no longer can see her son or grandkids. Narcissists are pure evil. I’ve known a few.

[agere_contra]

As you know kids grow very fast and are fairly resilient....my advice is to do what you can in this situation to let the kids know you are there for them. Trust in the Lord and pray for them. This will pass. Keep a watchful eye for acute threats and act if you must...but being the motivating force of ripping a family apart, that has SOME order, is not a good thing. Often times, things could be much worse. Be thankful for that.

Wise words Griffin.

[JudyinCanada]

Oh....and to make it even worse, she is a “Christian”, from a good “Christian” home and works part-time at the church. She works, of course, in the evenings, so the son has to watch the kids several nights a week.

She’s one of those people who posts pics to show the world what a wonderful super-mom she is.....such a pant load. She’s an evil person who loves to belittle her husband in front of people, especially his parents.

[griffin]

WTH?
You still live in California but are smart enough to come up with fantastic counsel like that? :) I don’t get it.

Good job....on the advice. :)

[DannyTN]

I think most states will look for relatives first.

But if Grandpa files the complaint, and the state takes the kids and decides Granpa is an acceptable Guardian, then SWMBO’s reaction is going to be “you know this means war!”.

And the state may not decide Granpa is acceptable. The State should only be called as a last resort when you truly fear for the kid’s safety.

I don’t know that there are any easy answers. My ex, did something similar. Quit work when she was pregnant. But hated housework. She got depressed because she knew she wasn’t keeping up the house.

Both of our parents got together and hired a house keeper to try to get us back on track. That helped some. She then went back to work because my business was being shut down. And her attitude changed instantly. She was much happier as soon as she went back to work, but she was really angry at me that she had to. And we kept the housekeeper. And about 2 years later she filed for divorce.

So what I would suggest to Az Joe is that you try to be supportive as possible. Maybe hire them a house keeper to take the load off. Maybe talk her into taking a part time job that she likes to help pay for the house keeper.

[griffin]

:)

Even a blind hog finds a root in the mud, SOMETIMES! :)

[Trump Girl Kit Cat]

She sounds bipolar, however on her good days she should be cleaning like a mad woman ect. maybe she is just a bitch, she better be careful when men are in a situation like this they can get a wandering eye and she may end up finding herself DUMPED!! Men tend to take this kind of behavior UNTIL someone at work catches their eye THEN they are DONE!!

[griffin]

PFT!

...and where were you with this premium plan, for me, 20 years ago!? :)