Posted on 11/08/2021 11:55:15 AM PST by Az Joe
Please excuse the personal nature of this story but I am getting very desperate and I thought there would be others on here that have dealt with a similar situation who might have advice/suggestions/etc
My son married this gal (SWMBO) 10 years ago. As time has gone on she has become more and more: Controlling, domineering, misandristic (hatred of men), you name the pathology.
Obviously, sad to admit, my son has completely lost his balls. He works hard and prefers to lay back and let her run roughshod over my 3 grandkids, me, him and whoever else might cross her path. SWMBO drops the 3 kids off at school in the morning and then does nothing until she goes and picks them up at the end of the day. She certainly doesn't clean the house or yard up. I think she plays computer games/watches TV all day. She doesn’t do much to keep up her physical appearance. My son comes home from work and takes the kids out to the park or community pool while she stays home. She does cook the meals. I watch the dogs on occasion for them while they’re up north a hundred miles to her mothers for several days. Once I found the kitchen in a horrible state of filth. Food on the floor, (chunks of it,) dishes piled in the sink and all over the counters two feet high. The children’s rooms a total disaster area. It was sickening. So I went to work and did what I could. But I felt heartbroken for my son, who works so hard to provide for his family.
SWMBO has become enraged with me a couple of times to the point, that at times, if I didn't walk away, I think she may have physically attacked me when I have simply ignored her and went about my business of visiting my son and my 3 grandkids. She tries to be extremely provocative in order to get me to respond and get myself in trouble. Fortunately I know women like her and remain calm.
THX!
YIKES!!
ok
Thank you. Out of all the opinions a strategy can be formed. Please feel free to freepmail me with anything else you may have.
I can try that.
Your DIL is the product of her experiences growing up. As is your son. He seems to be doing for his children what you did for him. You stayed with him no matter what his mother did. I would not expect your DIL to change nor your son to leave his children. You will not win in a legal battle and matters can get much worse. It may be harsh, but IMO you should stay out of the situation and be available when your advice and help is asked for. It is her home and she can ruin your life if you push her too far. You have raised a fine son and can be proud of that. Have Peace.
So, you’re saying just...join a bowlin league?
Thanks for your words. I understand where you are coming from. You may be right in how to put Humpty Dumpty together again.
I’ve never criticized her, at least that she knows about. I’ve praised her and ALWAYS remembered her birthday with a card or gift, and such things, inquired into her health, that sort of thing. I’ve mentioned to other people the tough time I’ve had with her and in choice words sometimes.
I’ve been emotionally beat up by her and my son for about 10 years. It’s 2 against 1 and I’m the scapegoat. My ignoring of her, and him, that day, was more a cry for help, or yelling “Fire!”, to get their attention that there is a real problem between us that needs addressing. You end up with what you put up with. I’ve been disrespected for a long time. She is still mad at step-daddies and then I come along, the good dad, and I catch all the grief from what they did to her.
I’ve tried and tried and tried. I think she enjoys whatever pain she can cause me. Apologizing to her may be playing into her mental illness and make her feel empowered to continue her abuse. After all, she is using her own children to get back at me at no small cost to their wellbeing. What kind of human being would do that? They love me deeply and I am sure they are confused and maybe hurt as to why I am not around anymore. I send cards and leave gifts for them but I do not even know if she lets them see them. I have no idea how they are, have been for the last 4 months or what they have told them about me, if anything.
My son has been ice cold to me and his frequent contact with me has dwindled to almost nothing. I only live 10 miles from them and it might as well be 10 million miles. Its as if my 3 grandchildren, 11 10 & 7, all suddenly died. They were my joy in life and I was a lot of joy in their lives. I can’t/won’t forget about them and they are constantly in my mind, every morning when I wake up until I go to sleep. How can I not think of them?
Well, I’ve gone on too long. I just pray. Sux to be me right now. TTSP
Four months isn’t really that long.....it takes 6 months for people to formulate new patterns, longer if they’re not trying because it takes time to ‘see’ a problem clearly before you can act.
You need to form a lifestyle of your own not dependent on your son nor his family for awhile. Give them the space they need to figure things out - alone.
My son cut the entire family off for a year. He had issues he needed to sort out and I gave him the space to do so.....and yes it’s very hard to do that. Now he comes see me and calls far more than he ever did before.
Good things come to those who wait....is very true.
Understood.
It’s like being lost in the woods. At the present moment you are hopin’ you get out but you don’t know if you will be lost in the woods forever.
You’re not lost by any means....the Lord knows where you are and also them. I sometimes think we hold on too tightly to our children and want to help when in fact they’re well old enough to live their own life without us...really.
I still think you need to refocus your life....start doing the things you enjoy. You will miss your grandkids for a time but they’ll come through this too once you put them in the Lords care...I’ll assume you’ve done that.
You’re son is the ONLY one who can fix his status and he can’t do that until he truly sees it without interference. ....God is faithful He has remarkable ways of opening peoples yes and it’s very very rare it will be through parents to grown children.
Let them live as they will....time has a way of making things clear. But important you channel your efforts to you and yours who are on your Homefront. That’s what you can control.
We’ll see. Yes, the Lord knows the way. Thx.
perhaps if you can talk your son into bringing the kids to your place several times a month, avoid the mother as much as you can...
life is what it is....
my situation is my divorced son has a germaphobe for an ex, lovely person however, and she is adamant about vaxxes and masks....would allow my son to bring the kids over for Thanksgiving from across the state IF everybody in the house would wear a mask....well we have never worn masks getting together at home since this covid thing started and people just won't do it....secretly I think its his new girlfriend that is refusing much contact....she has two kids herself....
I always dreamed of lots of grandchildren and I have only two and can't even see them very much....:(
As a non-practicing man for a number of decades, this suggestion is from the heart and addresses your problem from a number of angles.
The suggestion is in the form of a question, as I see it as a solution to your problem on nearly every level.
What role does the church play in your life? Your son’s family’s?
Not enough
My read is that it does play a role and therein lies your solution. Speak to the pastor/priest and view it as a more effective means of counseling and ‘shepherd’ the children in as well.
You raised your son: Give him a lifeline and he will find his way.
On the outside, if he’s inclined he needs to seriously consider recording her ‘episodes’ and make a list of those who witness her ‘episodes pursuant to his future custody battle.
Essentially, the B/N is a control freak and preys upon others to try to reclaim their self worth.
B/N's are apaths. Inside, they really care about nobody but themselves. They are sociopaths without the violent aspect, but can turn violent depending upon their anger management skills.
They prey upon empaths. Empaths have greeat empathy for others. Apaths have a finely tuned ability to spot an empath, even across the room from mere body language, and seek to exploit them and use them, to "rescue" themselves in one fashion or another.
Terms to become familiar with to better understand their schemes (and this is a SHORT list)...
flying monkeys
narcissist harem
gaslighting
love bombing
future faking
then look up the "drama triangle". They continually position others into one of the three posiions to manupulate outcomes. You can watch them do this in one conversation. in one minute they try to make you their prosecutor with them as the victim and in the next instance, try to move you in the position of the rescuer. It's madness to try to help them, because their help must come from within. BUT in 95% f cases, they do not change. Low self image is the core of the problem, though they go to great extremes to paint the image of a well adjusted person. In truth, it is exaclty opposite and they go through their entire lives fighting this battle, leaving many broken people, relationships and finances in their wake. They are one person social wrecking balls.
the B/N doesn't want help, won't accept help and will only get angry. Their self loathing will interpret help as a sign that they are weak and worthless. ALL their actions are an attempt to counteract this fear of being exposed as having no worth. It's why they MUST control the narrative about who they are. The absolute worse fear they have is being shamed, or ridiculed. Please look up what the "laughing no test" is...how to spot a narcissist in fifteen seconds.
The only solution with such individuals is your own personal boundaries to protect you from their schemes. And there are MANY!
I strongly suspect that mom and son are empaths. i further suspect that both mom and son have had many years of dealing with a family member who was/is a BPD/NPD and in this they've been condidioned to this situation and being empaths...always the rescuer.
Interstingly, empaths tend to seek out narcissists and narcissists seek out empaths. Like a host/parasite relationship. Boundaries are to protect the empath from the abuse cycle.
Until you've lived this, been hurt by it, it is difficult to understand, but it is real and empath boundaries are the critical and really the only solution. Then, after one understands what it means to be an empath, the empath must continue to grow in strength. the book i suggested hints at this in it's title...we should care ABOUT the BPD/NPD but we should not care FOR them. Take care of yourself EMAPTHS!
In all of this, it is important to understand that here I am speaking of personality disorders, not mere narcissist tendancies. We all have that tendancy, but here I'm speaking of individuals with serious personality disorders which are cataloged as phsycholoical disorders and catalaoged in he DSM manuals. Further, the terms that I suggest to look up are actual and real psychological terms associated with narcisssit and borderline personality disorders.
Well done. Been there; but unlike your husband, mine had no spine and usually piled on. God bless you both.
Who can find a wife of noble character? For her value is far more than rubies. Her husband’s heart has trusted her, and he does not lack the dividends. She has rewarded him with good and not harm all the days of her life. She sought out wool and flax, then worked happily with her hands. She was like the merchant ships; she would bring in her food from afar. Then she rose while it was still night and provided food for her household and a portion to her female servants. She considered a field and bought it; from her own income she planted a vineyard. She clothed herself in might, and she strengthened her arms. She perceived that her merchandise was good. Her lamp would not go out in the night. She extended her hands to the spool, and her hands grasped the spindle. She opened her hand to the poor, and extended her hands to the needy. She would not fear for her household in winter, because all her household were clothed with scarlet, because she had made coverings for herself; and because her clothing was fine linen and purple. Her husband is well-known in the city gate when he sits with the elders of the land. She made linen garments then sold them, and traded belts to the merchants; her clothing was strong and splendid; and she laughed at the time to come. She has opened her mouth with wisdom, with loving instruction on her tongue. Watching over the ways of her household, she would not eat the bread of idleness. Her children have risen and called her blessed; her husband also has praised her: “Many daughters have done valiantly, but you have surpassed them all!” Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting. A woman who fears the Lord—she makes herself praiseworthy. Give her credit for what she has accomplished, and let her works praise her in the city gates. —Proverbs 31:10-31
Is that the one that goes:
If you love something
Let it free
If it does not return
HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT
?
That one?
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