Seriously though:
She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me.
If she 'gets into it' does it really matter who 'instigates'? (I think you meant 'initiates' ;-)
Jesus, isn't anything private anymore?
1: You need a family vacation or a getaway for just you and her.
2: By the Vette like the other guy mentioned.
3: Start a business/hobby you enjoy.
4: Join the US military and get free food and ammo and blow up some terrorists.
5: Join politics, tear some demorat bungholes (options 4,5 will make you feel great !)
6: Same as #3 above but do one that you can involve your family and you'll all enjoy doing together.
7: Suck it up, you got it going on, like you said, you got kids and wife you love. It doesn't get better than that.
8: Talking about is good, talking will help work it out of your system.
Suck it up!
Tell her.
1)- talk to your wife. Don't let barriers grow between you.
2)- do something different. Sounds like you both are in a rut. The 'Vette isn't a bad idea, just get her something, too.
And remember this- we never pass this way again, and there is a clock running out on all of us. I buried my first wife at age 31. If you need to say, or do something, do it now.
Get really drunk and stay that way everyday for three years thereby losing your job, your standing in the community, your house, your kids and your wife. Then when you emerge from the Salvation Army rehab clinic and when the diner accepts your application for the dishwashing job you may once again feel that contact with the Lord which is our true knowledge of peace.
or buy a vette.
Why I can't imagine why your wife has lost her willingness to reach out romantically. You've had 18 yrs of training her that you don't want or need or like romance.
Intimacy and sex are two different things. You wrote a lote about one but not the other. If you truly want to rekindle and not just get some, focus on intimacy. The sex might come afterwards and stick around a bit. Be selfless and do some of the things you said you avoid. Do them with an honst heart. Start with Valentine's Day. Rack your brains to remember your best VD and do the same things. Buy cut fowers every Sunday morning without a word to her so she wont feel like she owes you anything. Be attractive to her. Do your chores and don't ask for credit. If the vette isn't an option, buy a new camera, camper orboat - something to make 'outside' ore exciting again. Take day trips together. I know I'm probably projecting onto you, but as a female, my perspective might have a few small merits. Above all, avoid temptation. Pray that this is just a bad spot in a good marriage.
Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don't get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don't memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I'm trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I'm missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.
When you give someone a gift it's not about you and your feelings. Try getting her something that will make her happy or do something just for her. Stop focusing on yourself. You may find yourself excited about giving once you take your eyes off how you feel and concentrate on making them happy.
I think you are exactly where 100% of the people married 20 years are at. By sharing your issues, you have helped others discover that their condition is not unique, and your willingness to open up and share the painful intimate details of your life will help others.
Unfortunately, I haven't seen any quick easy fixes posted, other than the universally prescribed fiberglass hot rod, should you take this route, stay away from the 84 model.
You think too much.
I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.
If you want to turn your sex life around, learn about cunnilingus and foreplay in general. She'll initiate sex quite frequently.
Lots of great advice here....
I'll just re-inforce marriage counseling, talking to your wife and REALLY getting to know her (sounds like she's pretty much a stranger to you, even after 18 years), taking a vacation or a weekend getaway just for the two of you...but after the talking has started.
Change what you can in your life and yourself. Try a different hobby, go to a different event/concert than usual, read a book out of your usual genre. Heck, redecorate the bedroom (together!) granted, after the talking has started.
Like others have said, sounds like there are secrets, and there can't be. Good luck.
Call Dr. Laura.
That b*tch knows e v e r y t h i n g .
< /sarc >
Totally understandable from the male perspective. However, if you are the one buying flowers, if you are the one with an over the top compliment, if you are the one making her feel desirable by being romantic, then it isn't being fake: it's being you.
By changing what you are doing, you can change.
Be all of those "fake" things you have felt odd about and you will soon find out that those things will grow to fit you. Sentimentalism and sappiness can really turn things around sometimes.
But definitely talk to her about it, she may be having the same kind of apprehension about your relationship that you are. Ask her what she thinks will work that she feels "fake" about. This will give you both the permission needed to try these things without feeling that the other will laugh or be dismissive. Her knowing that you are trying, and you knowing that she is trying will give you common ground to work from as you move through this frustrating period of your marriage.
Sounds like you don't like yourslef, so why should anybody else lioke you? Try being a person you would like - maybe your life will change as well.