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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: ArGee; Monkey Face; NicknamedBob

...didn’t say they were all my fingers


9,201 posted on 06/06/2016 6:26:48 PM PDT by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
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To: Covenantor

My technique is definitely digital.


9,202 posted on 06/06/2016 6:41:24 PM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: Tax-chick
A wheelbarrow full of rainwater is nothing compared to a wheelbarrow full of bananas.


9,203 posted on 06/06/2016 6:58:18 PM PDT by ArGee (JFK put a man on the moon. Obama put a man in the girl's bathroom.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

The officer stopped me and said, “Do you realize the speed limit through here is only 35 miles an hour?” I said, “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t planning to be out that long.”


9,204 posted on 06/06/2016 6:59:00 PM PDT by ArGee (JFK put a man on the moon. Obama put a man in the girl's bathroom.)
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To: NicknamedBob; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

This odd-eyed white kitteh lives in Winnipeg, Canada.

9,205 posted on 06/07/2016 2:24:59 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Sorry, I ain't about that life.)
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To: Covenantor

I actually preferred Hancock Fabrics to JoAnn’s, but I don’t think we have any Hancock stores in the valley. :o[


9,206 posted on 06/07/2016 3:59:07 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Tolerance is not conformity to the world's view and practices...John A Widsoe)
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To: Monkey Face

Good morning. I’ll be off in 15 minutes or so, with Bill the Son, to get tires for the Toyota.


9,207 posted on 06/07/2016 4:06:06 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Sorry, I ain't about that life.)
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To: Tax-chick

Awwww...cute! <3

I don’t know why I am up...I tossed and turned for about 10 minutes and my brain wasn’t going to shut down so I just got up at 0345. I have to go get my prescription today, and I’m dreading the ride home, facing the sun — so I can bake my chest.

It’s 88 degrees out, and the sun isn’t up. By the time I head for home, the temp will be 92. I need to get a little “6-pack” cooler so I can make this trip with cold water both ways, rather than cold going and hot coming home - when I need the cold the most.


9,208 posted on 06/07/2016 4:21:46 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Tolerance is not conformity to the world's view and practices...John A Widsoe)
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To: Monkey Face

A little levity to start your day:

Rules for Living in Las Vegas
1. First, it’s pronounced LOSS-VAYGUS. It doesn’t matter how they say it in other places. And its NEV A DA not NEV AH DA. . .Get over it!

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has its own set of traffic rules. There’s no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.

3. All directions start with, “Go down 95...’cause you don’t want to get on 15.”

4. Las Vegas Blvd, Charleston Blvd, and Torrey Pines have no beginning and no end.

5. It’s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a “scenic drive.”

6. The 8:00 am rush hour is from 4:30am to 11:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 11:30am to 10:15pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends sometime late Sunday night.

7. If you actuall y stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Las Vegas. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a “pumpkin-orange” hue.

8. For the most part, you can do anything you want, as long as it isn’t in a school zone.

9. Just remember that Camino Al Norte is Martin Luther King Boulevard, Boulder Highway is Fremont Street, Eastern Ave is 25th Street or Civic Center Drive, Desert Inn is Lamb Blvd., Spring Mountain/Sands/Twain are all the same street. And don’t forget that Ft. Apache turns into Rampart and then turns into Durango. Don’t try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. Henderson is the only place in the world where THREE “parallel” streets intersect at one traffic light. That would be the 4-way of Green Valley Parkway/Eastern Avenue/Maryland Parkway. For laughs ask y our middle school Geometry teacher to try to explain it.

11. Rainbow Blvd. has THREE exits from the 95, this just makes giving driving directions to newbies more entertaining. There is also a Lake Mead “Drive” and a Lake Mead “Boulevard” and both run east/west but are 30 miles apart. You have to be specific when you say “the corner of Lake Mead and........” Again, this is just another way to harass the 5000 newcomers every month.

12. Many major roads just end abruptly in somebody’s garage, a Home Depot, a Casino or McCarran International Airport Runways and start again after the interruption. That was done to encourage you to “see the sights” and meet new people. For fun, just try to take Harmon Avenue from Rainbow to Nellis.

13. If moisture at hand is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road af ter an apocalyptic event like snow, blowing dust, or a 3-day weekend.

14. Once a year, when it rains, the Las Vegas wash and the City of Las Vegas are one.

15. The wind blows every day, and it is impossible to live in Las Vegas without some kind of allergy drug.

16. Construction on I-15 and US 95 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. They actually move the constuction cones every night to make the next days drive a bit more exciting for you. I-215 will never be completed. Get used to it!

17. Stay away from the corner of Nellis and Las Vegas Blvd. if you do not like the thought of being in a remake of the movie “Top Gun.”

18. And, yes, we all know that black man in a teddy and a tiara on Sahara and Ft. Apache. His name is Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do.

19. And always remember, when driving in Las Vegas in the summertime, it is a good idea to wear pot holders on your hands!


9,209 posted on 06/07/2016 4:44:38 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Tolerance is not conformity to the world's view and practices...John A Widsoe)
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To: Monkey Face

Good luck! Took the Avalon to the tire shop; we’ll get it back after Weight Watchers. Next I’m taking Bill and Tom to vote in the runoff primaries. Our U.S. Rep has a serious challenger, for whom I will vote on the assumption that Rep. Pittenger has a major weakness, if he’s got a primary challenger he’s afraid of.


9,210 posted on 06/07/2016 5:04:56 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Sorry, I ain't about that life.)
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To: Monkey Face

That’s done. Next I’ll leave for WW at 8:50. After that, back to the tire shop will Bill to pick up the car.


9,211 posted on 06/07/2016 5:29:02 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Sorry, I ain't about that life.)
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To: Tax-chick

I’ll be leaving in about 30 minutes to go in to Vegas, and I don’t relish the thought.

I went to Wally’s and got a little fabric cooler (looks like a lunch box) and some yogurt, and I’m done spending for the duration. It just isn’t in the cards!

According to the traffic guy, there are two accidents on the 95 North, and I’m just not going to fight that. I’m going up Boulder Highway again.

And times like these, I really miss having a stereo in the truck. :o| *sigh*


9,212 posted on 06/07/2016 6:31:50 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Tolerance is not conformity to the world's view and practices...John A Widsoe)
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To: Tax-chick
I wanted to clarify that when I said Kathleen was “stuck” in the wheelbarrow, I meant that she was sitting in the puddle afraid to climb down. She wasn’t incapacitated or anything.

I can relate.

I got home from work one day and just as I got to the front door I hear a 'Dad? Help.' Huh? I look around and don't see Ratboy.

'Help.'

I look up, there sitting on his haunches on the edge of the roof like a little gargoyle (well, technically a grotesque) is Ratboy.

How did you get up there?

Climbed on the fence then up on the roof.

Hmmmm, that's probably not the best way to get down... I talked him around to the TV antenna and had him shimmy down that.

Climbing up doesn't look scary.

Down, not so much!

9,213 posted on 06/07/2016 6:48:06 AM PDT by null and void (Hillary Milhouse Clinton: I'm not a c-- c-- c-- crook! Crook, that's the c-word I was looking for!)
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To: Monkey Face
10. Henderson is the only place in the world where THREE “parallel” streets intersect at one traffic light. That would be the 4-way of Green Valley Parkway/Eastern Avenue/Maryland Parkway. For laughs ask y our middle school Geometry teacher to try to explain it.

Seven perpendicular lines

9,214 posted on 06/07/2016 6:55:45 AM PDT by null and void (Hillary Milhouse Clinton: I'm not a c-- c-- c-- crook! Crook, that's the c-word I was looking for!)
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To: null and void
Climbing up doesn't look scary. Down, not so much!

The teenaged girls have run into this issue a number of times, but I think it was a first for Kathleen, at least since she got to big to sit on the dinner table.

9,215 posted on 06/07/2016 8:06:27 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Sorry, I ain't about that life.)
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To: null and void

Back from the tire shop with four new tires and an alignment. Now I’m going to lie down until my hairdresser comes.


9,216 posted on 06/07/2016 9:00:54 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Sorry, I ain't about that life.)
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To: null and void; Tax-chick; All

Back from the big city. *groan*

I had to reschedule my lower back procedure, and even though I told the guy not two minutes earlier that I needed MORNINGS, he scheduled me for an afternoon follow-up in JULY!

I said, “Besides the fact that I have NO air conditioning in the truck, 2:35 PM is encroaching on my bedtime. Which is why I asked for mornings only.” Did I crawl out from under a rock and still have detritus covering the important parts of me? You would think so by his expression.

And when I got home Oscar the Grouch had my parking spot. Of course.

The pharmacist took my prescription and said, “It will be ready tomorrow,” sort of implying “when I get around to it,” so I told her I would pick it up around 0600.


9,217 posted on 06/07/2016 9:36:35 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Tolerance is not conformity to the world's view and practices...John A Widsoe)
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To: Monkey Face

I feel your groan. Jamie feels your groan, too. She was not having a swell day when she got here, but after two beers and getting my haircut right the first time, she’s feeling better.


9,218 posted on 06/07/2016 10:53:08 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Sorry, I ain't about that life.)
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To: Monkey Face; Tax-chick

It was 114 here in Phoenix yesterday....................

115 the day before.


9,219 posted on 06/07/2016 11:58:00 AM PDT by stephenjohnbanker (My Batting Average( 1,000) since Nov 2014 (GOPe is that easy to read))
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To: Monkey Face

I want to go to bed.

I think I’ll have just enough left to get the prescription in the morning, and everything else will have to wait an undetermined amount of time.

One thing is for sure: My self is getting grouchier as the day wears on.

I’ve been having pains in the left side of my neck again, so I will start using the steroids again. I’ve been trying to save them because they are so darn expensive. Still, it looks like they are necessary.

Tomorrow, I’ll go to Convenient Care and have my stitches out, unless I decide to do it myself. Which isn’t a bad idea...


9,220 posted on 06/07/2016 12:09:51 PM PDT by Monkey Face (Tolerance is not conformity to the world's view and practices...John A Widsoe)
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