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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity
| 12/10/2015
| ArGee
Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee
Raqqa, Syria
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.
"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."
An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.
Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."
According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.
"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."
So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."
TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick; ArGee; NoCmpromiz
My daughter is taking her son to “Room on the Broom”. If Fred has a moral challenge, I’ll have a book.
2,621
posted on
01/22/2016 4:30:32 PM PST
by
fanfan
("If Muslim kids were asked to go to church on Sunday and take Holy Communion there would be war.")
To: fanfan
2,622
posted on
01/22/2016 4:35:26 PM PST
by
Tax-chick
(Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
To: Monkey Face
I love The Old Farmerâs Almanac.
2,623
posted on
01/22/2016 4:40:15 PM PST
by
Harmless Teddy Bear
(Proud Infidel, Gun Nut, Religious Fanatic and Freedom Fiend)
To: Tax-chick; fanfan
"Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe." One should regard the universe with suspicion, with apprehension, and with awe.
.
.
Two should spare a moment as well, to look at each other.
.
(In the same fashion, mostly.)
2,624
posted on
01/22/2016 4:44:34 PM PST
by
NicknamedBob
("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
To: Tax-chick; sionnsar; abigailsmybaby; A CA Guy; afnamvet; airborne; Allegra; Altariel; Anoreth; ...
2,625
posted on
01/22/2016 4:49:09 PM PST
by
Tax-chick
(Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
To: NicknamedBob
2,626
posted on
01/22/2016 4:51:40 PM PST
by
Robert A Cook PE
(I can only donate monthly, but socialists' ABBCNNBCBS continue to lie every day!)
To: Robert A. Cook, PE
Only on Tuesdays, when Popeye’s runs their special.
2,627
posted on
01/22/2016 5:14:43 PM PST
by
NicknamedBob
("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
To: Tax-chick
Well... Sh*t.
I hate it when that happens. Seriously...
To: NicknamedBob
Weather ap on this smorfphome sez snow starts in 97 minutes. Gives me plenty of time to get home. Filled gas tank on subaru in case the all/4wd is required. The weather service film have downgraded the total amount of snow to 2-4”...
2,629
posted on
01/22/2016 5:35:24 PM PST
by
NoCmpromiz
(/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
To: Dead Corpse
I know. Only 54. I’m going to be 50 this year.
2,630
posted on
01/22/2016 5:40:31 PM PST
by
Tax-chick
(Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
To: NoCmpromiz
Our low is supposed to be 25, with a 40% chance of “snow showers” tomorrow morning.
If we could get just 2 or 3 degrees warmer and some sun!
2,631
posted on
01/22/2016 5:42:00 PM PST
by
Tax-chick
(Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
To: Tax-chick; Dead Corpse
You kids be careful. And take your vitamins.
2,632
posted on
01/22/2016 5:42:38 PM PST
by
NicknamedBob
("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
To: NicknamedBob
2,633
posted on
01/22/2016 5:51:51 PM PST
by
Tax-chick
(Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
To: NicknamedBob
47 in May... I’ve been working out 4 days a week and eating fairly clean.
To: Tax-chick
Johnny, we hardly knew ya... God Speed and may God bless. RIP
2,635
posted on
01/22/2016 8:41:27 PM PST
by
Chode
(Stand UP and Be Counted, or line up and be numbered - *DTOM* -w- NO Pity for the LAZY - Luke, 22:36)
To: Tax-chick
2,636
posted on
01/22/2016 9:04:38 PM PST
by
HKMk23
(You ask how to fight an idea? Well, I'll tell you how: with another idea!)
To: Dead Corpse; Tax-chick
"47 in May... I've been working out 4 days a week and eating fairly clean." I'm glad to hear it. I shall be quite annoyed to discover that I have outlived either one of you.
2,637
posted on
01/22/2016 10:06:18 PM PST
by
NicknamedBob
("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
2,638
posted on
01/22/2016 11:30:31 PM PST
by
NoCmpromiz
(/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
2,639
posted on
01/23/2016 12:54:35 AM PST
by
NoCmpromiz
(/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
To: NicknamedBob; Dead Corpse
I shall be quite annoyed to discover that I have outlived either one of you. Clean living. It's why I can win at Monopoly.
2,640
posted on
01/23/2016 3:53:05 AM PST
by
Tax-chick
(Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe.)
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