***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

National Goof Off Day

When : Always March 22nd

Now here's a day that just about everybody can relax and enjoy. It's a day to do anything and everything.....except what you're supposed to do today.

Assuming you won't get in trouble at work or school, go ahead and play some golf, or play video games all day. Spend extra time surfing the net. Go out and spend the day window shopping with your favorite friend. Or, just read sit down and read a book or watch TV. This day is set aside for you to do anything you enjoy doing.

A few years ago, a survey was performed to identify the most popular activity for goofing off. The top activity was playing video games. Who conducted the survey? Nintendo.......no surprise. It kinda makes you wonder just who might have had the brainstorm to create this day......hmmmm. 

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen that UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!"

Corporate Terminology

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

How to Succeed in Business

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

* * *

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

* * *

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

* * *

Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.

If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.

Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

[Monkey Face]

LOL! Does Moosie know he’s a star?

[Pride_of_the_Bluegrass]

I grew up in rural Indiana, I know people there you would have to explain that to and still wouldn’t get it.

[JRios1968]

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

Slacker! I’ve been practicing for this day all month.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

[Old Sarge]

"I do NOT have PMS!!!"

[MissTed]

Yes indeedee!!

[Old Sarge]

Hyper Involuntary Panic Stress Tension Elevation Response Syndrome (HIPSTER)...

End the suffering NOW!

[morphing libertarian]

My comeback...................no Re-Morse

[red-dawg]

[Monkey Face]

I never knew what PMS was, until I was too old to have it.

And I feel bad for anyone who has to endure it in any form. But it’s still funny! LOL!

[red-dawg]

[Pride_of_the_Bluegrass]

They couldn’t call it “Mad Cow Disease” that was already taken.

[SkyDancer]

[N. Theknow]

“I’m mad at you and I’m going to be very specific in telling you why.” - Said No Woman Ever

[N. Theknow]

[Berlin_Freeper]

sculpture by the sea 2013

[N. Theknow]

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

Q: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a rabid dog?
A: Lipstick.

[Responsibility2nd]