a sample of the bridal shower cake....LOL... You'd turn down baby back ribs, steak, lobster etc. because it was done on an open fire? Dude...you are way too stuffy!
Posted on 06/04/2011 2:23:31 PM PDT by Feline_AIDS
There are few places someone can go to lament the loss of traditional values like FR. Today I'm lamenting the death (or terminal illness) of the sensible American wedding.
As a 24-year-old American girl, I attend lots of nuptials, and because of familial obligations certain brides couldn't eschew, I've even been an occasional bridesmaid. Every subsequent wedding I attend seems to be the next in a terrifying sequence of tacky one-upmanship. It's as though each bride has a "ridiculous counter" that ticks up and up during the planning until true perfection of ridiculousness is realized on the big day.
Here are the things that bother me, and I know you may be guilty of a few, so some of them are going to make you mad. And I'm not sorry, because all of them make me mad, so my situation is far more painful.
#1: If you are already living together, why are you having a lavish wedding and wearing a white dress? It's not fooling anybody, not even your blind and deaf grandma. We all know what you've been up to, and it is beyond me that you do not understand that this whole day is a little absurd because you've already been living the way you were supposed to live after this day. Own up to your behavior, save me $75, and go to the courthouse.
#2: I am never going to wear this horrid dress again. In fact, I'm reasonably sure that it was just a terrible practical joke at the dress factory, but by some tragic accounting error, it was shipped out, and now my body is wrapped in yards of shiny brown satin. If the only thing I can think when I look in the mirror while wearing the bridesmaid's dress you've chosen is: "You can polish a turd..." then you might want to reconsider this princess theme you seem to be going for. Also, it's May. Why on God's blossoming, springy, colorful, alive and green earth are we wearing brown?
#3: And what's with bridesmaids having to wear the exact same dress anyway? I have to wear a uniform at my job (short orange shorts and a white tank top); why should I have to wear one to a wedding? Is it to identify the two different teams? Team bride and team groom? Because I'm undecided--unless team I'd-give-it-three-years is forming in the back of the room. All these outfits really do is show who is on team idiot, because we're the only people here wearing a $300 uniform yet aren't getting paid.
#4: Oh, but you are getting paid: the bride is going to give you a $20 tchotchke for standing around looking like a melted tootsie roll for 45 minutes while a preacher the bride met for the first time last weekend rants on and on about a book of the Bible she's never even heard of. ("Wait, why is he talking about the Romans? I thought the Bible was about Jews. Ugh! Christianity is so contradictory.") If you're going to give me a present for being your bridesmaid, it should be a) a filled flask that can be concealed in this tacky dress, b) several doses of a narcotic painkiller to be taken 30 minutes before the ceremony, or c) a refund for this fashion-crime sausage casing that I'm wearing.
#4.5: Why did you write your own vows? They're not cute. They just made everyone in this room embarrassed for you. The vows the church uses were designed to basically say, "I'm not going to ditch you for your bridesmaid that I think I saw at Hooters last week." They are meant to say that you are entering into a permanent union, ordained by God, that you can't just back out of when it's not fun anymore. You don't realize how important these vows are. They are the referent for your behavior toward each other for the rest of your lives. But hey, you're smarter than some ol' dusty book! Write away, Shakespeare!
#5: I'm sure planet Tackyhostess is nice this time of year, but on earth, if you invite people to your party, you don't expect them to pay for their food and drink. If you don't have money for an open bar, close the damn bar. If you're a good bride, I've got my bridesmaid's flask by now, so I'm peachy. (Unless the flask is filled with something peachy. In that case, I'm angry.) I know everyone here was hoping to get some good booze as a trade off for you stealing $75 and an hour of their Saturday, but if that's the transaction taking place, I ask again, Why are we here?
#6: You've got to be on drugs if you think I'm going to send money to your travel agency so you can go on your honeymoon. Here's a novel idea: Don't spend money you don't have! (Say, maybe our congressmen are bridezillas in drag. Dennis Kucinich, I'm looking at you.) If you can't afford to go to the Bahamas for 2 weeks without panhandling, then go somewhere else. Why are you even going on a honeymoon? The point of a honeymoon is to get to know someone biblically, and you've got that covered, Miss It's-Just-Cheaper-If-We-Share-An-Apartment. In the age old game of "You can have a cookie that's been dropped on the floor now, or 5 star tiramisu later," you chose the cookie. Deal with it, and don't ask me to pay for your finally-making-it-honest vacation.
#7: Don't you dare ask me for cash! I'm beginning to suspect that instead of providing your bridesmaids with narcotic pain killers, you crushed them all up and snorted them yourself. Why else would you have the audacity to ask me for money when you have a job, car, house, dog, and a long-standing birth control prescription? I'm not getting anything out of this; what am I paying for here? The privilege of seeing you in a white dress that makes you look fat? Enduring multiple passes from your drunk "uncles"? Steal of a deal! I've only spent $450 on this event and I've already been groped twice!
#8: You don't deserve a damn thing. And you are not a princess. If you or your family don't have the money to pay for a royal wedding, don't organize a royal wedding. Just because your best friend's father spent $250,000 on a wedding doesn't mean you have to too. It only means he's an idiot or absolutely filthy rich, and if it's the latter, I'd like to know if there are any single men in the family, thankyuuvurymuch. People like you thinking that just because someone else has something, you deserve it too is why we're all up crap creek right now. And it's why you're going into your marriage with $50,000+ in debt, not counting the dream house you also deserve.
#9: I don't need steak tar-tar. I don't need lobster. I don't need caviar. I'll settle for something that's edible, tasty, and plentiful. I'm not impressed that the menu is written in French. I'm not impressed with the smorgasbord of imported seafood. I am, however, impressed with the ring-bearer who just put a spoonful of caviar into his mouth, spit it back into the spoon, and put the spoon back in the serving dish. My thoughts exactly, kid.
#10: You look trashy carrying around a bottle of beer in a coozy, Mrs. Justmarriedpants. I know you well enough to know we should all be sitting in an AA meeting instead of marching in this parade of fanciful denial, but couldn't you not imbibe once? Just this once? Don't you want to have at least one wedding picture that doesn't double as an advertisement for Budweiser? Don't you realize your drunk face is not cute? And how are all these drunk people getting home? If you didn't have the money for the Bahamas, I seriously doubt you've hired cars for your hammered guests.
#11: Why are you leaving in a limo? We all know you don't regularly ride in a limo. Why today? Are we supposed to think you're Jay Gatsby or John D. Rockefeller all of a sudden? And the limo has the company logo plastered on the side. "Enchanted Events Limos." It's just more evidence of the latent fantasy world you should have exercised by age 10.
So, dear bride, the bottom line is this: you're not fooling anybody. We know you are living together, so the white dress is a joke. We know you can't spell caviar, so that's a sham. We know you don't own the limo, so you're not tricking us into believing that you're fancy. And finally, we all know something you apparently do not: you are not a princess.
Your wedding should be a happy day. It should be fun, memorable, and most of all, easy. But it shouldn't be memorable because of how many people went to jail, and it won't be memorable because of how much money you spent. The guests will remember it fondly if it is tasteful, conservative, and genuine. And the greatest of these is genuine. If you're spending money on things to make you feel like a celebrity, you're going to be let down when a wedding becomes a marriage. So don't try to impress people, don't try to out do someone else. Just see it for what it is: the celebration of entering a covenant with God and someone else.
Now pass me those bacon-wrapped scallops.
Never mind my question. I see how this happened. You have my sympathy.
A former job brought me into people’s homes for years. I always felt sorry for the poor saps married to the women who have wedding shrines to themselves as the focal point of home decor. Well, felt sorry for them unless the Mrs. was hot; in that case they got a pass.
All I have to say is I am so thankful that I have sons and not daughters...
LOL! I was thinking the same thing as I read it.
I decided to read it again and take it as a humorous rant on some of the craziness associated with weddings.
I was married 21 years ago in a formal Catholic Church wedding with a reception that probably cost too much by some people’s standards. My bridal gown probably cost too much but I wouldn’t change it for anything.
I was a bridesmaid prior to and after my own wedding. Oh, the stories, lol. As a mom of four daughters, I’m looking forward to their eventual weddings :)
Yep,that’s what I did for my daughters. Told them,that if they were grown up enough to play house with their boyfriends prior to marriage, then they were grown up enough to pay for their own weddings( which let’s face it..after years of living together is just a big party)
I agree. If a brides-maid has a bride-zilla for a friend, and she is guilt-tripped into spending a thousand bucks for the “priveledge” of being part of some tacky overpriced wedding, then yeah...
A real charmer.
But, I noticed the author did work at Hooters, so.... It figures.
I have had the misfortune of officiating more than one trainwreck of a wedding. In my experience it’s almost always the precursor to a trainwreck of a marriage. As my father told me before I entered the ministry, “I’d rather perform 100 funerals instead of 1 wedding.”
Every day I thank God for my wonderful wife and her contentment with our small but enjoyable wedding more than a decade ago.
“In those days, the ultimate in tacky expensive was the so-called “Goodbye, Columbus” wedding. I thought the homemade vows in “Love Story” were equally hokey.”
“Ali McGraw starred in both movies. Hmmm....”
And SHE married Steve McQueen! I can’t picture him in either movie - can you?
I saw how it happened too (How did you find yourself friends with these brides?)
But I’m curious. I saw her employment was with Hooters. And I figured “that explains a lot...”
Is that the same conclusion you made?
I hope one of my daughters wants a “princess” wedding. I’m glad I had one.
I seriously wish that I had known you and were invited to your wedding. It sounded absolutely fabulous and fun as well.
I’ve come to understand over the years that’s it something that every girl should be able to look forward to. Not to knock anyone, but I don’t want my last daughter to marry to have serve Ding Dongs or be married in a pasture. I hope she knows she deserves better than that.
No. I know almost nothing about Hooters.
I’m hoping my youngest daughter elopes and saves me $10 grand
Mine would have been that simple, but family would have been very unhappy. So we had a simple noon wedding at the church and the party was in my grandma’s back yard. Mom did the food, cousins tended bar and we danced to a dj all night. I don’t think it cost more than $1000 and most of that was food and drink for 75-100 people.
I had my maid of honor buy a pretty sun dress (her choice) and best man and my husband already had tuxes. My dress was a simple cream dress that only cost $50. We are celebrating 20years this august......
a sample of the bridal shower cake....LOL... You'd turn down baby back ribs, steak, lobster etc. because it was done on an open fire? Dude...you are way too stuffy!
“The power of accurate observation is referred to as “cynicism” by those who have not got it.”
H. L. Mencken
Sweety, that is one of the finest written rants I have ever read here at Free Republic, and you can believe me when I say I have read a whole bunch of them here over the years.
Well done, and you hit more nails on the head than you may realize...
Cheers!
While certainly colorful and artistic, it’s not cake. It’s rolled up bath towels. No thanks.
Hey, I’m honestly not trying to knock what you obviously thought was a great wedding. I like cookouts, truly. I just don’t find it appropriate for a wedding.
I’m just saying that I’d be extremely disappointed if my daughter opted for the same. Hell, I’m the least of the worries there. Between the sibs, and the mother (my wife) it would be more likely that Jethro and his truck would be nowhere to be found come the ‘big’ day.
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