Posted on 06/04/2011 2:23:31 PM PDT by Feline_AIDS
There are few places someone can go to lament the loss of traditional values like FR. Today I'm lamenting the death (or terminal illness) of the sensible American wedding.
As a 24-year-old American girl, I attend lots of nuptials, and because of familial obligations certain brides couldn't eschew, I've even been an occasional bridesmaid. Every subsequent wedding I attend seems to be the next in a terrifying sequence of tacky one-upmanship. It's as though each bride has a "ridiculous counter" that ticks up and up during the planning until true perfection of ridiculousness is realized on the big day.
Here are the things that bother me, and I know you may be guilty of a few, so some of them are going to make you mad. And I'm not sorry, because all of them make me mad, so my situation is far more painful.
#1: If you are already living together, why are you having a lavish wedding and wearing a white dress? It's not fooling anybody, not even your blind and deaf grandma. We all know what you've been up to, and it is beyond me that you do not understand that this whole day is a little absurd because you've already been living the way you were supposed to live after this day. Own up to your behavior, save me $75, and go to the courthouse.
#2: I am never going to wear this horrid dress again. In fact, I'm reasonably sure that it was just a terrible practical joke at the dress factory, but by some tragic accounting error, it was shipped out, and now my body is wrapped in yards of shiny brown satin. If the only thing I can think when I look in the mirror while wearing the bridesmaid's dress you've chosen is: "You can polish a turd..." then you might want to reconsider this princess theme you seem to be going for. Also, it's May. Why on God's blossoming, springy, colorful, alive and green earth are we wearing brown?
#3: And what's with bridesmaids having to wear the exact same dress anyway? I have to wear a uniform at my job (short orange shorts and a white tank top); why should I have to wear one to a wedding? Is it to identify the two different teams? Team bride and team groom? Because I'm undecided--unless team I'd-give-it-three-years is forming in the back of the room. All these outfits really do is show who is on team idiot, because we're the only people here wearing a $300 uniform yet aren't getting paid.
#4: Oh, but you are getting paid: the bride is going to give you a $20 tchotchke for standing around looking like a melted tootsie roll for 45 minutes while a preacher the bride met for the first time last weekend rants on and on about a book of the Bible she's never even heard of. ("Wait, why is he talking about the Romans? I thought the Bible was about Jews. Ugh! Christianity is so contradictory.") If you're going to give me a present for being your bridesmaid, it should be a) a filled flask that can be concealed in this tacky dress, b) several doses of a narcotic painkiller to be taken 30 minutes before the ceremony, or c) a refund for this fashion-crime sausage casing that I'm wearing.
#4.5: Why did you write your own vows? They're not cute. They just made everyone in this room embarrassed for you. The vows the church uses were designed to basically say, "I'm not going to ditch you for your bridesmaid that I think I saw at Hooters last week." They are meant to say that you are entering into a permanent union, ordained by God, that you can't just back out of when it's not fun anymore. You don't realize how important these vows are. They are the referent for your behavior toward each other for the rest of your lives. But hey, you're smarter than some ol' dusty book! Write away, Shakespeare!
#5: I'm sure planet Tackyhostess is nice this time of year, but on earth, if you invite people to your party, you don't expect them to pay for their food and drink. If you don't have money for an open bar, close the damn bar. If you're a good bride, I've got my bridesmaid's flask by now, so I'm peachy. (Unless the flask is filled with something peachy. In that case, I'm angry.) I know everyone here was hoping to get some good booze as a trade off for you stealing $75 and an hour of their Saturday, but if that's the transaction taking place, I ask again, Why are we here?
#6: You've got to be on drugs if you think I'm going to send money to your travel agency so you can go on your honeymoon. Here's a novel idea: Don't spend money you don't have! (Say, maybe our congressmen are bridezillas in drag. Dennis Kucinich, I'm looking at you.) If you can't afford to go to the Bahamas for 2 weeks without panhandling, then go somewhere else. Why are you even going on a honeymoon? The point of a honeymoon is to get to know someone biblically, and you've got that covered, Miss It's-Just-Cheaper-If-We-Share-An-Apartment. In the age old game of "You can have a cookie that's been dropped on the floor now, or 5 star tiramisu later," you chose the cookie. Deal with it, and don't ask me to pay for your finally-making-it-honest vacation.
#7: Don't you dare ask me for cash! I'm beginning to suspect that instead of providing your bridesmaids with narcotic pain killers, you crushed them all up and snorted them yourself. Why else would you have the audacity to ask me for money when you have a job, car, house, dog, and a long-standing birth control prescription? I'm not getting anything out of this; what am I paying for here? The privilege of seeing you in a white dress that makes you look fat? Enduring multiple passes from your drunk "uncles"? Steal of a deal! I've only spent $450 on this event and I've already been groped twice!
#8: You don't deserve a damn thing. And you are not a princess. If you or your family don't have the money to pay for a royal wedding, don't organize a royal wedding. Just because your best friend's father spent $250,000 on a wedding doesn't mean you have to too. It only means he's an idiot or absolutely filthy rich, and if it's the latter, I'd like to know if there are any single men in the family, thankyuuvurymuch. People like you thinking that just because someone else has something, you deserve it too is why we're all up crap creek right now. And it's why you're going into your marriage with $50,000+ in debt, not counting the dream house you also deserve.
#9: I don't need steak tar-tar. I don't need lobster. I don't need caviar. I'll settle for something that's edible, tasty, and plentiful. I'm not impressed that the menu is written in French. I'm not impressed with the smorgasbord of imported seafood. I am, however, impressed with the ring-bearer who just put a spoonful of caviar into his mouth, spit it back into the spoon, and put the spoon back in the serving dish. My thoughts exactly, kid.
#10: You look trashy carrying around a bottle of beer in a coozy, Mrs. Justmarriedpants. I know you well enough to know we should all be sitting in an AA meeting instead of marching in this parade of fanciful denial, but couldn't you not imbibe once? Just this once? Don't you want to have at least one wedding picture that doesn't double as an advertisement for Budweiser? Don't you realize your drunk face is not cute? And how are all these drunk people getting home? If you didn't have the money for the Bahamas, I seriously doubt you've hired cars for your hammered guests.
#11: Why are you leaving in a limo? We all know you don't regularly ride in a limo. Why today? Are we supposed to think you're Jay Gatsby or John D. Rockefeller all of a sudden? And the limo has the company logo plastered on the side. "Enchanted Events Limos." It's just more evidence of the latent fantasy world you should have exercised by age 10.
So, dear bride, the bottom line is this: you're not fooling anybody. We know you are living together, so the white dress is a joke. We know you can't spell caviar, so that's a sham. We know you don't own the limo, so you're not tricking us into believing that you're fancy. And finally, we all know something you apparently do not: you are not a princess.
Your wedding should be a happy day. It should be fun, memorable, and most of all, easy. But it shouldn't be memorable because of how many people went to jail, and it won't be memorable because of how much money you spent. The guests will remember it fondly if it is tasteful, conservative, and genuine. And the greatest of these is genuine. If you're spending money on things to make you feel like a celebrity, you're going to be let down when a wedding becomes a marriage. So don't try to impress people, don't try to out do someone else. Just see it for what it is: the celebration of entering a covenant with God and someone else.
Now pass me those bacon-wrapped scallops.
1) Did this come from E-Hell? (Etiquette Hell forum)
2) If not you should post it there
3) The stories posted there will curl your toenails
Yer right! This place has standards! Or did... :-D
Yes. It’s wedding season, and I since I can’t say any of this to anyone who knows me personally (as it might get back to a recent bride), I chose to share my frustrations with freepers.
A common lament, but IMHO largely unfounded. Rejoice that they're getting married instead of harping that they lived together. As for the dress, white stopped symbolizing virginity a lifetime ago, so you too should let it go.
And what's with bridesmaids having to wear the exact same dress anyway?
That actually came about to give the bride control of her maids dresses. Without it, a bride would run the risk of being shown up by a brides maid. I had this conversation 20 years ago last month when my wife was planning our wedding.
Why did you write your own vows? They're not cute.
Cute is in the eye of the beholder now isn't it?
'm sure planet Tackyhostess is nice this time of year, but on earth, if you invite people to your party, you don't expect them to pay for their food and drink. If you don't have money for an open bar, close the damn bar.
Amen.
Don't you dare ask me for cash!
Agreed. That's extremely tacky.
You don't deserve a damn thing. And you are not a princess.
Nonsense. I have two daughters, one married, one not, and the one thing I've learned from the countless trips they've made as bridesmaids, and one as a bride is that: Every bride deserves to be a princess on her wedding day. Otherwise what's the point when the J.O.P. is legally binding and cheap.
#9: I don't need steak tar-tar. I don't need lobster. I don't need caviar. I'll settle for something that's edible, tasty, and plentiful. I'm not impressed that the menu is written in French. I'm not impressed with the smorgasbord of imported seafood. I am, however, impressed with the ring-bearer who just put a spoonful of caviar into his mouth, spit it back into the spoon, and put the spoon back in the serving dish. My thoughts exactly, kid.
Hell, you've just listed the only reason I ever accompany my wife to weddings. I could live with the embarrassment of being a bad husband and sending her solo, but I can't pass up free gourmet food. Substitute the lobster with bean burritos or ham sandwiches and the magic is gone.
You look trashy carrying around a bottle of beer in a coozy
Everyone looks trashy carrying a coozi, male or female. Beer is best drunk from a glass that's appropriate to the brew, whether it be a stein, a Belgian tulip, pilsner glass, straight pin, etc etc.
Why are you leaving in a limo? We all know you don't regularly ride in a limo. Why today?
See entry at Princess.
The guests will remember it fondly if it is tasteful, conservative, and genuine.
Can't agree with you there. Conservatism is best applied to serious endeavors. Governing nations, running banks, managing corporations, dealing with marriage, and raising kids. Celebrations on the other hand should never be tainted with conservatism. It has no place sitting beside jubilation. A tasteful, conservative celebration is anything but a celebration.
Fun thread.
Don’t fret. Despite being a white boy, I lapsed into ebonics and proclaimed, “I be wed”.
I guess that’s a to each his own kind of thing. As a groom, that wedding would have been perfect 20 years ago. As a father, today, I’d be extremely disappointed if my youngest daughter’s wedding involved a towel cake, cookout, and a pickup truck.
I have an oldest daughter who always planned her wedding.
She has been sexually involced with the fiance, and now a new man.
She is still expecting the white wedding whenever that fateful day occurs
I will tell her to get a nice suit, a corsage and a license. They can find a minister or JP to marry them and we can have a nice resturaunt lunchon, if her father decides to pay. Otherwise I will meet the lucky coupld for drinks.
It was written way back in 1973, but find Marcia Seligson’s “The Eternal Bliss Machine”. My favorite quote:
“The purpose of the wedding is for the long term emotional benefit of two people: the bride, and the bride’s mother.”
In those days, the ultimate in tacky expensive was the so-called “Goodbye, Columbus” wedding. I thought the homemade vows in “Love Story” were equally hokey.
Ali McGraw starred in both movies. Hmmm....
;^)
I remember Dr Laura going ballistic over a woman having an abortion so she could fit into her wedding dress.
The girl sounds a little angry, but I’m with her on this: the wedding gifts are traditionally to help someone set up a new life and housekeeping. So if you’ve been living together for years, and probably have more money than I do, why is a gift expected?
This was hilarious. And NOTHING says “festive” like brown satin!
Professionally funny and tragically on target. You should hang up your orange shorts and write for a living.
Agree with the second part, not the first. Somehow after 15 years of marriage, my wife, the water burner, became a gourmet cook. It didn't matter much, because patting myself on the back, I already was. However, your comment about being interested in her husband instead of things, is on the money.
There IS such a thing as a wedding costing less than $3,000 including gown, rings and reception for 80.
You're getting into serious skinflint territory there. I'm sure it can be done, but would anyone who wasn't absolutely in poverty want to? $3k, is even cheaping out on the rings IMHO. The tradition that the woman's engagement ring alone should be two months salary is a good starting point.
The last wedding I went to the bride made up her vows in which she, in nice words, apologized to the groom for being the biggest whore in the Tri-State area (Bless Her Heart).
Me too. Well done rant.
Something that needs to be said.
Can’t say that about all rants.
The oneupsmanship of weddings has gotten totally out of control. Maybe up next is the “wedding bubble.” No way would I pay those tens, much less hundreds, of thousands of dollars to impress family/friends/neighbors.
Fortunately, the daughter is a chip off the old block. At her wedding last year, she was the only one wearing a new dress. The ‘wedding party’ consisted of her and her husband’s siblings (plus maid of honor) and they all wore something nice out of their closets. Nothing matched, but it worked. They didn’t spring for altar flowers (the chapel was so beautiful, it would have been gilding the lily), and only the bride carried a bouquet.
The reception was a very nice but not over-the-top buffet banquet. Wine flowed, but no hard liquor. Friends acted as MC/DJ at the reception; others played live music at the church. The whole affair was intimate (@130 carefully chosen guests), elegant, and just plain fun (which was their goal). And it left no one in debt or asking for donations towards its cost.
There are places to wear the dress, a group of around 12 ladies in the building that I worked in wore them to work on Halloween one year.
My wife and I were married in jeans and a t-shirt.
“By the power vested in me as a Justice of the PISS of the State of Texas, I now pronounce you husband and wife. I mean, PEACE. Justice of the PEACE!”
We both agree that was the best wedding money could buy. I’m not just assuming my wife thinks that, either. I’ve been told many times how she dreaded a formal event and how liberating it was to get married on HER terms.
We had a tasteful ceremony on our third anniversary - cost less than $3K, catered.
That really depends on who you are. In my family (the one I was born into) your advice would be spot on. You wouldn't expect working people to pick up and travel to a wedding. Now I attended my niece's wedding in Aspen. Half of her social circle flew in from L.A., Chicago, New York and London. What would have been rude of me at my own wedding, didn't garner so much as a second glance at hers.
Lol, now that I’d love to see.
You’ve made some very good points. I have one question, though. How did you find yourself friends with these brides?
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