Click here for YouTubes's Folger's Happy Morning Commercial
Posted on 07/21/2006 12:04:46 AM PDT by sully777
How about some Britney
http://www.superlaugh.com/1/oops.htm
How about when you don't want to offend someone, so you squeeze back your farts, then you have to uncontrollable urge to sneeze.
That's when you sneeze out of both ends!!!
try this one....
http://www.burningfarts.com/video_clips.html
You have WAAAYYYY to much time on your hands.
That's so wrong.
I had a friend when I was a teenager tried that, and the fart oozed out and singed the hair on his butt.
This was the same guy that crapped in the woods and wiped with poison ivy leaves.
The Lethal Weapon IV Fart:
It's loud, it's fast, everything blows up, people get hurt, end of story.
The Titanic Fart:
This was a really huge fart you did when you were a kid, but your family just will not stop talking about it, reviving it, and reliving it, and telling the story to everyone you introduce them to. You begin to wonder if they're planning sell the movie rights, and you begin to fantasize about Leonardo Decrapio to playing your part as the young farter, and wondering what the theme song will sound like.
The TWA Flight 800 Fart:
There was a huge explosion. There was fire. There were many witnesses. There were casualties. There was an investigation. There was a recreation of the crime scene. But to this day, the source cannot be identified. You are smiling.
The Lord of the Dance Fart:
In an effort to mask the sound of an oncoming fart, and beging talking about the Lord of the Dance show you saw, stamping your feet as hard and furiously as you can on a wooden floor as the air escapes.
The Ebola Fart:
One person in the group farts, then others around him start farting as well, speading like a virus. Soon, everyone is farting.
The Year2K Problem Fart:
You were short on time at lunch, and instead of having some healthy food, you opted for a bad chili dog from the street vendor. You know a really foul fart is coming, and you're going to be in a closed-door meeting all afternoon. You know you should have thought ahead at lunchtime and could have avoided the problem, but it's only 1:30pm and you feel it looming inside you already. A major disaster awaits unless you act NOW.
The Viagra Fart:
After a nice, vibrating fart, you find yourself aroused.
The Got Milk? Fart:
You forgot to take your "Lact-Aid", had some milk with your cookies, and now your lactose-intolerant stomach is about to teach you a lesson you won't forget.
The El Nino Fart:
You thought it might be serious well in advance, and it was. This fart is relentless, coming in huge waves, causing massive flooding and much damage in its wake. You vow to be better prepared next time.
The Mile High Club Fart:
The only way to join this club is to break wind above 30,000 feet.
Hey, it's perfect. I had chili last night. Been suffering most of the day trying to hold it in here in the office.
I want to convert my car to run on methane, then I can fuel it with beans, beer, and boiled eggs.
The Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.
The Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
The Impudent Person: One who farts loudly and then laughs.
The Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
The Unfortunate Person: One who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead.
The Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
The Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames the dog.
The Foolish Person: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person: One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
The Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mates head.
The Intellectual Person: One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.
The Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.
The Miserable Person: One who would truly love to but can't fart at all.
The Sensitive Person: One who farts and then bursts into tears.
The Bruiser: One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.
You ever see Larry the Cable Guy talk about his grandmother having the walking farts in the Wal-Mart?
While we're on the subject...
> >
> >*HOW TO POOP AT WORK*
> >
> > We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
> >our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
> >try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
> >who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
> >at work.
> >
> >*CROP DUSTING**: * When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
> >the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
> >know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
> >full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
> >has left your pants.
> >
> >*FLY BY**:* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
> >check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
> >back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
> >suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
> >
> >*ESCAPEE**: *A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
> >forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
> >embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
> >did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
> >pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
> >for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
> >
> >*JAILBREAK*: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
> >pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> >should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
> >bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
> >
> > *COURTESY FLUSH:* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
> >the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
> >bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
> >
> >*WALK OF SHAME**: * Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
> >you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
> >if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
> >the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
> >
> >*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER**: *A colleague who poops at work and is damn
> >proud of it. You will often* *see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
> >bathroom with a newspaper or* *magazine under their arm. Always look around
> >the office for the Out Of* *The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
> >
> >*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):** *A group of co-workers who band
> >together to ensure emergency pooping* *goes off without incident. This group
> >can help you to monitor the* *whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
> >identify SAFE HAVENS.
> >
> >*SAFE HAVENS**: * A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
> >can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
> >sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
> >bathroom.
> >
> >*TURD BURGLAR**: * Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
> >and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> >vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
> >occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
> >avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
> >
> >*CAMO-COUGH**:* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> >bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
> >or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
> >with an ASTAIRE.
> >
> >*ASTAIRE**: * A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
> >that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
> >occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
> >pooper can poop in peace.
> >
> >*WATERMELON**:* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> >water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> >coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
> >
> >* HAVANA** OMELET**: * A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
> >splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
> >Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
> >
> >*UNCLE TED**: * A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
> >spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
> >An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
> >always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
> >the other bathroom attendees.
>
>
Getting to be about that time. Daughter (5 year old) is going to spend the weekend with her cousin.
Going to spend part of the weekend exercising my unalienable right to the pursuit of happiness (definition: chasing the wife around the house nekkid).
I might even catch happiness!!!!!!
Hope to catch some fish this weekend, too.
Everybody have a great weekend!!!!!
So everyone in your office is wearing this today?
Have fun! :)
I hate pooping at work. I work for the Navy, and they only have John Wayne toilet paper. You know, rough, tough, and doesn't take crap off anyone.
Us'n (Us'uns-es ?) lakwase !
Best to all !
OUCH!
The Toxic Dump
'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through my bowels
Some spaghetti and meatballs
Were making some growls.
There was meat sauce backed up
On some tacos with cheese
Causing rumbles and grumbles
And duodenal wheeze.
Then some numb-nuts came offering
A big brownie supreme
I chomped it down quickly
While my gallbladder screamed.
The bile was flowing
And my pancreas creamed
The whole wad moved sideways
My intestines got reamed.
Semi-aqueous goop
Began coursing its way
Round the loops of the ileum
Till it hit something gray.
The remnants of dumplings
Expanded and tense
Made a wall for the meatballs
And produced quite a stench.
Then the gas pressure built
When the enzymes kicked in
And some liquid burst through
My intestinal rim.
The fermenting mess
Pushed around by the waves
Up ascending, cross transverse,
Down descending colon caves.
Till it filled up my rectum
(Hundred and ten PSI)
While my anus bulged outward
And I reached for the sky.
I ran to the bathroom
Not a minute too soon
As I pulled down my pants
The swift movements resumed.
The sh*t that came out
Liked to et through the bowl
And the water of toilet
Blew out of its hole.
It mixed with the sh*t
And propelled by the gas
Hit the ceiling at 60
While tearing my a$$.
Not a second went by
Till the roids split and came
Firing little red blood clots
Then the big gusher came.
All the pus and the sh*t
Quickly o'er filled the bowl
Spilling on to my socks
Black turds started to roll.
Cross the floor towards the tub
Where the mildew calls home
That mixture had caused me
To bring forth a moan.
More gas was produced
Causing dark clouds of haze
Which drifted back over
Putting me in a daze.
The cloud from the mildew
Hit the pore of my a$$
When mixed with the wet sh*t
Started growing like grass.
The water was boiling
In the bowl once bright white
My n*** sucked back in
To my body that night.
When the whole thing subsided
And the hissing had stopped
I looked down to check
To make sure naught was cropped.
My ass was still there
Holding on by its hairs
But the hole was the size
Of three large grizzly bears.
I flushed and I flushed
Twenty times all in all
Then I mopped up the mess
When the EPA called.
They had caught wind of something
That had fouled up the air
And muddied the water
(But I really don't care.)
The treatment plant suffered
Its worst loss in years
As the pumps burned their bearings
Causing all sorts of fears.
The fish kills were mounting
And the pines dropped their leaves
While the sh*t storm kept moving
Towards the wide open seas.
It killed all the dolphins
Then moved off the plate
Hitting great depths of oceans
Melting rock, such was fate.
Tectonics were altered
Violent storms came to shake
The long, lovely coastline
Of the African plate.
Mutant viruses fed
Off the green, slimy waste
Till the life-forms created
Turned the people to paste.
All the CDC doctors
And public health greats
Had their hands full that day
They held aces and eights.
When the show was all over
Half the world's peoples died
And the rest were in sh*t holes
Covering up all their hides.
The media showed up
And made great fanfare
Of the grogan from hell
That was caused by a dare.
To eat one last brownie
After Mexican grease
And Italian spaghetti
That was down in the crease.
By the dumplings that made
So much noise late that night.
When the sh*t storm burst forward
And turned to the right.
So don't bother with presents
Or string lights with delight
For this Christmas will find you
In a terrible fright.
As the sh*t ball keeps moving
Round the world now so brown
And the grogans come bursting
Through your once placid town.
I'm currently addicted to this:
http://www.bocajava.com/showProductDetail.do?catalogId=252&productId=3985
Yummy chocolate hazelnut.. I received my second shipment today! Great plus is they also send coffee to the troops.
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