The Lethal Weapon IV Fart:
It's loud, it's fast, everything blows up, people get hurt, end of story.
The Titanic Fart:
This was a really huge fart you did when you were a kid, but your family just will not stop talking about it, reviving it, and reliving it, and telling the story to everyone you introduce them to. You begin to wonder if they're planning sell the movie rights, and you begin to fantasize about Leonardo Decrapio to playing your part as the young farter, and wondering what the theme song will sound like.
The TWA Flight 800 Fart:
There was a huge explosion. There was fire. There were many witnesses. There were casualties. There was an investigation. There was a recreation of the crime scene. But to this day, the source cannot be identified. You are smiling.
The Lord of the Dance Fart:
In an effort to mask the sound of an oncoming fart, and beging talking about the Lord of the Dance show you saw, stamping your feet as hard and furiously as you can on a wooden floor as the air escapes.
The Ebola Fart:
One person in the group farts, then others around him start farting as well, speading like a virus. Soon, everyone is farting.
The Year2K Problem Fart:
You were short on time at lunch, and instead of having some healthy food, you opted for a bad chili dog from the street vendor. You know a really foul fart is coming, and you're going to be in a closed-door meeting all afternoon. You know you should have thought ahead at lunchtime and could have avoided the problem, but it's only 1:30pm and you feel it looming inside you already. A major disaster awaits unless you act NOW.
The Viagra Fart:
After a nice, vibrating fart, you find yourself aroused.
The Got Milk? Fart:
You forgot to take your "Lact-Aid", had some milk with your cookies, and now your lactose-intolerant stomach is about to teach you a lesson you won't forget.
The El Nino Fart:
You thought it might be serious well in advance, and it was. This fart is relentless, coming in huge waves, causing massive flooding and much damage in its wake. You vow to be better prepared next time.
The Mile High Club Fart:
The only way to join this club is to break wind above 30,000 feet.
I want to convert my car to run on methane, then I can fuel it with beans, beer, and boiled eggs.
While we're on the subject...
> >
> >*HOW TO POOP AT WORK*
> >
> > We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
> >our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
> >try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
> >who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
> >at work.
> >
> >*CROP DUSTING**: * When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
> >the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
> >know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
> >full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
> >has left your pants.
> >
> >*FLY BY**:* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
> >check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
> >back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
> >suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
> >
> >*ESCAPEE**: *A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
> >forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
> >embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
> >did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
> >pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
> >for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
> >
> >*JAILBREAK*: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
> >pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> >should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
> >bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
> >
> > *COURTESY FLUSH:* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
> >the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
> >bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
> >
> >*WALK OF SHAME**: * Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
> >you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
> >if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
> >the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
> >
> >*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER**: *A colleague who poops at work and is damn
> >proud of it. You will often* *see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
> >bathroom with a newspaper or* *magazine under their arm. Always look around
> >the office for the Out Of* *The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
> >
> >*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):** *A group of co-workers who band
> >together to ensure emergency pooping* *goes off without incident. This group
> >can help you to monitor the* *whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
> >identify SAFE HAVENS.
> >
> >*SAFE HAVENS**: * A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
> >can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
> >sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
> >bathroom.
> >
> >*TURD BURGLAR**: * Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
> >and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> >vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
> >occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
> >avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
> >
> >*CAMO-COUGH**:* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> >bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
> >or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
> >with an ASTAIRE.
> >
> >*ASTAIRE**: * A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
> >that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
> >occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
> >pooper can poop in peace.
> >
> >*WATERMELON**:* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> >water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> >coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
> >
> >* HAVANA** OMELET**: * A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
> >splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
> >Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
> >
> >*UNCLE TED**: * A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
> >spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
> >An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
> >always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
> >the other bathroom attendees.
>
>