The Toxic Dump
'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through my bowels
Some spaghetti and meatballs
Were making some growls.
There was meat sauce backed up
On some tacos with cheese
Causing rumbles and grumbles
And duodenal wheeze.
Then some numb-nuts came offering
A big brownie supreme
I chomped it down quickly
While my gallbladder screamed.
The bile was flowing
And my pancreas creamed
The whole wad moved sideways
My intestines got reamed.
Semi-aqueous goop
Began coursing its way
Round the loops of the ileum
Till it hit something gray.
The remnants of dumplings
Expanded and tense
Made a wall for the meatballs
And produced quite a stench.
Then the gas pressure built
When the enzymes kicked in
And some liquid burst through
My intestinal rim.
The fermenting mess
Pushed around by the waves
Up ascending, cross transverse,
Down descending colon caves.
Till it filled up my rectum
(Hundred and ten PSI)
While my anus bulged outward
And I reached for the sky.
I ran to the bathroom
Not a minute too soon
As I pulled down my pants
The swift movements resumed.
The sh*t that came out
Liked to et through the bowl
And the water of toilet
Blew out of its hole.
It mixed with the sh*t
And propelled by the gas
Hit the ceiling at 60
While tearing my a$$.
Not a second went by
Till the roids split and came
Firing little red blood clots
Then the big gusher came.
All the pus and the sh*t
Quickly o'er filled the bowl
Spilling on to my socks
Black turds started to roll.
Cross the floor towards the tub
Where the mildew calls home
That mixture had caused me
To bring forth a moan.
More gas was produced
Causing dark clouds of haze
Which drifted back over
Putting me in a daze.
The cloud from the mildew
Hit the pore of my a$$
When mixed with the wet sh*t
Started growing like grass.
The water was boiling
In the bowl once bright white
My n*** sucked back in
To my body that night.
When the whole thing subsided
And the hissing had stopped
I looked down to check
To make sure naught was cropped.
My ass was still there
Holding on by its hairs
But the hole was the size
Of three large grizzly bears.
I flushed and I flushed
Twenty times all in all
Then I mopped up the mess
When the EPA called.
They had caught wind of something
That had fouled up the air
And muddied the water
(But I really don't care.)
The treatment plant suffered
Its worst loss in years
As the pumps burned their bearings
Causing all sorts of fears.
The fish kills were mounting
And the pines dropped their leaves
While the sh*t storm kept moving
Towards the wide open seas.
It killed all the dolphins
Then moved off the plate
Hitting great depths of oceans
Melting rock, such was fate.
Tectonics were altered
Violent storms came to shake
The long, lovely coastline
Of the African plate.
Mutant viruses fed
Off the green, slimy waste
Till the life-forms created
Turned the people to paste.
All the CDC doctors
And public health greats
Had their hands full that day
They held aces and eights.
When the show was all over
Half the world's peoples died
And the rest were in sh*t holes
Covering up all their hides.
The media showed up
And made great fanfare
Of the grogan from hell
That was caused by a dare.
To eat one last brownie
After Mexican grease
And Italian spaghetti
That was down in the crease.
By the dumplings that made
So much noise late that night.
When the sh*t storm burst forward
And turned to the right.
So don't bother with presents
Or string lights with delight
For this Christmas will find you
In a terrible fright.
As the sh*t ball keeps moving
Round the world now so brown
And the grogans come bursting
Through your once placid town.