Here's a quaint little establishment I found while in the UK.
Posted on 06/10/2005 6:01:56 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance
TheBigB has given me the go-ahead to put up this weeks OFST. Thanks, B! Hurry back!
Last week we had some rough spots, so R-Q-TEK86 had the following ground-rules suggestion for this weeks thread:
By entering this silly thread, I promise to…
Honor the spirit of silliness. Eat Spam, eggs, Spam, Spam and Spam. Not ask to see any of Jersey Republican Biker Chick’s body parts. Stand on my desk, flap my arms and make sounds like a chicken. Spew milk through my nose at something ArGee posts. Make at least one blonde joke. Post a joke that makes people groan. Ponder the question “Is ‘Civil Engineer’ an oxymoron?” Try to solve the mystery of who ctlpdad really is. Make a reference to AYBABTU. Disavow everything that Howard Dean stands for. Post a “Pearls Before Swine” cartoon (Dog Gone only). Make the guy in the next cubicle wonder what’s so funny. Post a picture of my favorite refreshing beverage. Quack like the Aflac duck. Not post gratuitous cheesecake or beefcake pictures. Tell JimWforBush a joke about engineers. Make a pun. Use “series” instead of “serious” and “hugh” instead of “huge”. Ask r-q-tek86 if all architects are gay. Stand facing the back of the elevator on the way back from lunch. Post a picture that made me snort the first time I saw it. Do a silly walk. Make an obscure reference to “Young Frankenstein”. Ignore this thread.
get me a 4X4!
10 rules for dating my daughter...
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my pneumatic nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have
my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on
this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies
with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
ArGee, that's MY DAD'S JOKE! You're not that old!
If I was 20 again, I'd agree. But a 2X2 fills me up just fine. Gotta have the shake, too!
How do you give a blonde more headroom?
Tilt the steering wheel!
Joke by way of JRBC - blame her...
I am blonde so I hear them all.
Q. How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A. Tilt Steering!
In junior high, some cheerleader got in trouble for this one:
Hit 'em high,
Hit 'em low,
Hit 'em where the cherries grow!
I've got a buddy who lives on Ft. Lauderdale beach where the night spots are within a mile of his condo.
He swears that his flip flops know the way home all by themselves.
Glad to oblige. :0)
What's a blonde call big hoop earings?
Ankle rests.
What's the sigh for, Sweetie?
Here's a quaint little establishment I found while in the UK.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
BAD PICK UP LINE...Your wanna play army? I'll lay on the ground and you blow the hell out of me.
I heard a guy use that one in a bar, she kicked him in the nether-regions.
hahaha...beat ya by 16 seconds.
Sorry - I thought you wanted me to post it. :(
You both did the same joke back to back, lol
Steak and shake has better shakes
My intern spent a day practicing folding drawings properly. He had so many paper cuts. Poor kid. I think this time next week he should have it nailed.
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