Free Republic

Evidence that Russian computer hackers penetrated security at the White House and State Department was brushed aside by National Security Council spokesman Mark Stroh. “Since the Administration has no hostile designs on Russia we don’t consider their gaining access to confidential correspondence at the State Department or White House a threat to our security,” Stroh maintained. “In a way, this could be a good thing. They will see that we bear them no ill will. That could open up new avenues for better relations between our two countries.” “It would be far more worrisome if our correspondence had been illicitly...

President Obama took the occasion of Easter Sunday to chastise Christians for being “less than loving.” “Over the past few months alone we’ve seen so-called Christians refuse to take photographs and bake cakes for gay weddings,” the President lamented. “This directly contradict’s Jesus’ admonition to ‘judge not lest ye be judged.’” Obama rejected the idea that Christians might have legitimate religious objections to social policies with which they disagree. “Jesus bade his followers to turn the other cheek if they are offended,” he reminded. “Jesus allowed himself to be crucified rather than fight back against those who wronged him. Shouldn’t...

Ayatollah Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, characterized US President Barack Obama’s statements about the agreement negotiated between the two countries as “deceptive” and evidence of “devilish” intentions. “Obama’s assertion that Iran has agreed to ramp down its pursuit of nuclear weapons in exchange for a phasing out of economic sanctions is a lie,” Khamenei said. “What we have agreed to is this. First, all sanctions must be immediately ended. Once this happens we agree to refrain from engaging in any nuclear attacks until, in our judgment, circumstances for a favorable outcome warrant it. Most likely, circumstances won’t be favorable for at...

Enforcement of a work requirement by Republican Governor Paul LePage's administration has led to 9,000 former recipients being declared ineligible to receive food stamps. Under the work requirement, able-bodied food stamp recipients were asked to put in 20 hours of work per week or 24 hours of volunteer services per month. State Rep. Scott Hamann (D-South Portland) called the work requirement "inhumane" and compared it to "indentured servitude." "The Governor is taking the state out of the mainstream," Hamann argued. "Other states have sought an exemption from the work requirement, but LePage is charting a course that sends a message...

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WASHINGTON - In a announcement from the White House today the portrait of the sixteenth president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, was removed from its location in favor of an image of the Obama's Portuguese Water Dogs Sunny and Bo. The decision was made by The First Lady Michelle Obama, who was not shy in explaining why she had the portrait removed. "It just always bothered me every single time I walked by it. It looks like some creepy old malnourished white guy with sunken cheeks and bad posture. That's nothing to be proud of, and honestly it sets...

Not wanting to let their momentum machine lose any steam after the announcement of the single-stack, 9x19mm Glock 43, the Austrian wondergun manufacturer has unveiled an even more exciting pistol: the 9x18mm Makarov Glock 47. “While the Glock 43 will certainly fulfill some users’ needs for an ultra-compact, reliable, and capable pistol,” said company representative Grigory Otrepyev, “a 9x18mm Makarov model will appeal to a broader and more discerning market.” The Soviet-designed 9x18mm cartridge is well-known for its ability to defeat soft body armor and transfer a significant amount of energy to its target, making it a far superior choice...

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A surge of book sales that pushed the US Constitution into the top ten best seller list of the Conservative Book Club has caused federal officials to put the Department of Homeland Security on "full alert." "This is just the type of abnormal behavior that should trigger a high state of vigilance," Secretary Jeh Johnson declared. "We expect a few loud-mouthed right-wing politicians to repeatedly harp on whether some action taken by the government is constitutional. But we can't afford to overlook tens of thousands of ordinary citizens reading such seditious literature." "Outside of some historical interest, we can see...

IRS commissioner John Koskinen laughed at the idea that Congress could abolish the IRS. "The Tea Party types may have wet dreams over the prospect of eliminating the IRS, but it's not going to happen," Koskinen gibed. "Too many congressmen on both sides of the aisle want the funds our agency extracts from taxpayers. One of the big attractions to holding office is the ability to dole out money to favored constituents. Hampering the IRS in any way would put a kink in that pipeline." "The main gripe average people have with our agency is the complexity of the tax...

After Saturday night’s unprecedented success with Earth Hour, the White House announced today that, by Executive Order, April has been declared “Earth Month”, the next step in reducing our dependence on fossil fuels. For the month of April, U.S. residents and businesses are being required to turn off all electrical appliances and lights. A special waiver is being given to electric cars and homes running entirely on solar-powered electricity. Compliance will be monitored by volunteers who report infractions to a special EPA hotline. White House press secretary Josh Earnestly stated, “The President’s science advisor has informed us that the...

US District Judge Jon Tigar ordered California’s Corrections Department to surgically remove a prisoner’s testicles. The $100,000 surgery would be performed on convicted murderer Jeffrey Bryan Norsworthy—enabling Michelle-Lael Norsworthy to emerge from 51 years of incarceration within the wrong body. The surgery is expected to be the first step in Norsworthy’s eventual release from Mule Creek State Prison in Ione. “For too long this unfortunate woman has been trapped within the body of a monster,” Tigar said. “She was forced to watch helplessly while Jeffrey murdered a person whose name no one can remember. Making Michelle endure the life sentence...

US Secretary of State John Kerry bristled under comparisons of the recently announced deal with Iran to 1938's agreement between Britain's Neville Chamberlain and Germany's Adolf Hitler over the Sudetenland. Though Chamberlain proclaimed the agreement as assuring "peace for our time," World War II erupted only a year later. "There are just too many differences to make the comparison apt," Kerry claimed. "Hitler threatened to invade Czechoslovakia if his demands weren't met. Iran isn't threatening to invade anyone. Hitler had already invaded Austria. Iran hasn't invaded anyone. Iranian troops in Iraq are there by invitation to fight against ISIL." "There's...

Sparks NV A local brothel, the Pinto Ranch, has been slapped with a multi million dollar lawsuit alleging sexual discrimination when a cross dressing lesbian was denied services by one of the prostitutes based on both her sex and her sexual orientation. Gloria Almostred, the attorney for Ima Bulldyke, filed the suit after her client was denied services by former prostitute, Ido Menonly, who refused to provide professional services to Ms. Bulldyke, after discovering that her client was a lesbian. Ms. Menonly was reported to have asked Ms. Bulldyke to leave after she had undressed and that Ms. Menonly complained...

President Obama insists that Iran’s “death to America” rhetoric is nothing to get worked up about. “First of all, it’s just a slogan—like Burger King’s ‘have it your way,'” Obama argued. “It doesn’t really mean anything.” “Second, it’s not all that negative,” the President continued. “In Islam’s theology, death is the gateway to paradise. For the devout Muslim, hastening the entry into paradise is much to be desired. Granted, unbelievers face eternal torment, but that could easily be remedied by submitting to Allah’s will. So, it is only Americans’ refusal to heed Mohammed’s message that casts an unpleasant pall over...

Passing gas: it's a natural part of bodily function, and not one that's ever associated with doomsday scenarios. However, experts are finding that invasive insects are pumping out more gas than usual, helping facilitate warming in places that otherwise couldn't support them. Growing up to four inches (10 cm) in length, the vagrant grasshopper (Schistocerca nitens), also known as the gray bird grasshopper, is a pretty big bug. It should be no surprise, then, that it can pass some pretty impressive gas. "Fart jokes aside, this thing is practically a smokestack," Arnulf Fälschung, a Swiss entomologist currently working with the...

In the most surprising news of the year so far concerning liberal celebrities, the New York Times reported in its Wednesday editions that Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell have more than ideological synchronicity. They are now expecting their first child together. As befits the leftist agenda of the Times, reporter Amanda Portcullis, who interviewed Moore and O’Donnell for the story, presented the developments in a highly positive light. She quoted no one who criticized Moore’s anti-business, anti-conservative movies, nor did she allow anyone to state an opposing view to O’Donnell’s 9/11 “trutherism” and hostility to gun rights. The article revealed...

After calling newly announced GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz a “big mouth” and a “failure,” Rep Peter King (R-NY) was shocked to receive feedback in-kind from Cruz supporters. “People have been phoning my office belittling my accomplishments and asserting that I am all talk,” King complained. “This is disrespectful. No member of Government should have to put up with such abuse.” King rebutted assertions that his inelegant way of expressing his disagreement with Sen. Cruz may have invited equally inelegant retorts. “I am a member of Congress, the Constitution explicitly protects my right to speak on any matter without...

The US Department of Justice has just unveiled the new official target to be used for all US Police officer firearms qualification shoots. This new target is being heralded by both Pro-Police and Anti-Police groups as a first step to making the public trust Law Enforcement again.

In what her backers are calling the “perfect checkmate” move, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has sought to blunt all further inquiries into her activities while at the Department of State by completely reformatting the server used for her email correspondence while she was in office. “Those who are trying to prove that I’m guilty of violating the law will have to do it without access to documents formerly on my own private server,” Clinton announced. “They may grouse that since I used this server for all my official correspondence as Secretary of State that I had no right...