Keyword: satire

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  • Administration Desperately Courting George Zimmerman To Replace Lesbian Secret Service Director

    10/01/2014 12:29:26 PM PDT · by IChing · 15 replies
    ClashDaily.com ^ | 10/01/2014 | Donald Joy
    The following is only partly satire; the rest is pure fact. Being able to discern which is which disqualifies the reader from government employment or contracting. As the old saying goes, “desperate times call for desperate measures.” With the glaring klieg lights of harsh congressional scrutiny being thrown onto several grave and alarming security lapses around the President and First Family, a humiliated and confused Obama administration is urgently in need of expert help. So much so, in fact, that they’re now awkwardly reaching out to someone whose skill at detecting suspicious perimeter intrusion at a gated complex (not to...
  • Satire: Cities Step Up Efforts to Crush Deviant Behavior

    10/01/2014 8:53:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The Seattle City Council passed a new ordinance that will fine people for throwing away too much food. The concern is that this discarded food should be composted rather than just trashed. “Our growth rate for recycling has stalled,” complained Council member Sally Bagshaw. “The notion of some city residents that they need not participate in this effort is erroneous. A successful program requires the full compliance of every citizen.” To enforce the stricter rules the City will empower trash collectors to examine a family’s discards to determine whether any items found could have been recycled. “We’ve taken voluntary obedience...
  • Satire: President Downplays Traffic Woes Caused by His Motorcades

    09/30/2014 10:46:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 34 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    As usual, President Obama’s recent trip to the United Nations to give a speech sparked tremendous traffic jams in New York City. Not to worry, though, it’s not so bad. “I hear a lot of hype about New York traffic, but it didn’t look too bad to me,” the President said. “All the stories of bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go traffic that I’ve heard showed no signs on my trip to the UN.” While Obama did concede that his experience may have been abnormal compared to what ordinary drivers have to deal with, he insisted that “putting up with a little extra congestion...
  • President Blames Congress For Intelligence Failure (Satire)

    09/29/2014 7:16:29 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 9-29-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    President Obama clarified his accusation that DNI James Clapper was the cause of the intelligence failure about ISIL. Obama claimed that, in the short term, Clapper was at fault for general incompetence but that Congress was ultimately responsible because they confirmed him for the position. Clapper could not have performed his job with criminal negligence had he not been confirmed for the job by Congress. Obama stated that Congress has a history of confirming total incompetents after which he has had to work with them in his administration. Who can forget "Turbo Tax Timmy", or Hillary "Benghazi" Clinton, or "Stuck...
  • A word about posting satire

    09/29/2014 3:38:42 PM PDT · by Jim Robinson · 229 replies
    September 29, 2014 | Jim Robinson
    No, FR is not trying to quash satire. However, it should be clearly labeled as such in the title. Some people seem to think it's great trickling our readers into falling for satire. It's not. A lot of people come to FR and scan the headlines clicking on articles of interest. If they're not familiar with the author or source, they may be misled and may even pass it on to others. No thanks. If you post satire, please label it as "satire' in the title. Thanks
  • Obama Calls On ISIL To Carry Out ‘Moderate, Inclusive’ Beheadings (Satire)

    09/29/2014 3:04:12 PM PDT · by Cry if I Wanna · 12 replies
    The Duffle Blog ^ | 9/29/2014 | Dick Scuttlebutt
    THE WHITE HOUSE — In an interview with 60 Minutes on CBS that aired Sunday, President Obama called on the leaders of ISIL, or the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, to exercise more moderation and inclusivity in their beheadings of infidels. The president was responding to a question from 60 Minutes correspondent Steve Kroft, who asked whether the administration was specifically addressing the beheadings and mutilations of thousands of Yazidi, Kurdish and other minority groups in northern Iraq and eastern Syria. Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2014/09/president-calls-isil-moderate-inclusive-beheadings/#ixzz3EkBcq1BU
  • US Forrest Service to Charge for Taking Pictures of Trees [satire]

    09/29/2014 1:19:54 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Hungry for a means to supplement is budget, the US Forrest Service is proposing new regulations that would allow it to charge visitors $1500 if they want to take pictures in wilderness areas. Liz Close, the Forest Service’s acting wilderness director, called the new fees “essential to our mission. These wilderness areas belong to the government. Why shouldn’t we get revenue from what is our property?” Close warned against thinking that “these areas are too vast for us to enforce collection. We are watching from both the ground and the air. Rangers randomly patrol with orders to seize any cameras...
  • People Shouldn’t Want to Live Past Age 75 [satire]

    09/29/2014 9:26:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, one of the chief architects of the Affordable Care Act, says people should want to die at age 75. “Let’s face it, the vast majority of those over age 75 have nothing positive to contribute to society,” Emanuel wrote in an essay for Atlantic. “In both physical and mental terms they’re pretty accurately described as ‘decepit.’ Their bodies and minds are just rotting in their shells.” “It would be best if they could be persuaded to exit peacefully at their own hand—perhaps with the aid of a physician-prescribed suicide drug,” Emanuel suggested. “Heaven knows this would be...
  • Eric Holder Takes $77 Million Job With JPMorgan Chase

    09/28/2014 1:09:28 PM PDT · by Nachum · 119 replies
    the daily currant ^ | 9/26/14 | staff
    Just after announcing his resignation as U.S. attorney general, Eric Holder has accepted a top job with Wall Street finance giant JPMorgan Chase. Starting in early November, Holder will serve as JPMorgan Chase’s chief compliance officer, where his responsibilities will include lobbying Congress on the company’s behalf and ensuring it “gets the best deal possible” from any new proposed financial regulations. Holder will also fetch morning coffee and breakfast orders for CEO Jamie Dimon and board members. For his efforts, Holder will earn an annual salary of $77 million plus bonuses for a job well done. In a statement, Holder...
  • Holder Resigns as AG

    09/28/2014 9:57:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Eric Holder announced that he is stepping down as the nation’s Attorney General. The ingratitude of the American people and the constant criticisms of Republicans were cited as compelling reasons for quitting. “Though I’ve done more than any previous Attorney General to reshape the way our laws are enforced I am badgered by contentions that I have veered too far outside the legitimate bounds of my authority,” Holder groused. “History will show that these bounds were too narrow if true justice is to be obtained. Nevertheless, as important as this crusade for people’s justice remains, I am exhausted.” Representative Darrel...
  • Nominee For Holder Replacement Named

    09/27/2014 6:37:04 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 44 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 9-27-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    The nominee to replace Eric Holder as the US Attorney General was announced today by the White House. Travis County, Texas District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg was named. Although not a national figure or Federal Deputy Attorney General, Rosemary Lehmberg garnered national notoriety by engineering the indictment of Gov. Rick Perry. Valarie Jarrett, special adviser to the president, worked with an ABA search committee to find a replacement for Holder. The committee exhausted several lists of recently disciplined and disbarred lawyers seeking a lawyer with similar professional ethics and standards as Holder without success. Turning to other available pools of possible...
  • School Board to Add Masturbation to Kindergarten Curriculum

    09/27/2014 2:35:32 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The Las Vegas School Board has drafted a new sex education curriculum that has some parents alarmed. Part of the new curriculum includes teaching kindergartners and pre-schoolers how to masturbate. Clark County School Superintendent Pat Skorkowsky called the plan “common sense. Rather than have these students learn about this in back alleys and lavatories we’re bringing it out into the open.” Skokowsky tried to reassure parents, telling them that “trained professionals from places like the Mustang Ranch will be brought in to conduct the demonstrations. Only the most tried and effective techniques will be displayed. Enabling our students to efficiently...
  • RFK Jr. Demands Censorship of Climate Skeptics [Another one of my fake articles]

    09/26/2014 4:35:22 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 47 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. opined that those skeptical of the dangers of climate change ought to be silenced. "I'm really tired of arguing with these people," Kennedy complained. "It's a drain on my energy. It takes time away from restructuring society along more socially beneficial lines." Kennedy suggested that "climate skeptics should be put on trial at the Hague as 'war criminals.' Whether people realize it or not, we are at war for the planet's future. On one side are those who want to save the planet. On the other are people who want to stop us from...
  • Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI Asks To Be Reinstated As Pope [satire]

    09/25/2014 6:50:52 PM PDT · by markomalley · 6 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 9/25/2014
    VATICAN–According to reports today, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI is seeking the chair of his pontificate months after his resignation. The news has sent shock waves around the world.Vatican spokesman Fr. Vitateli Devitiamani told EOTT that, “He came for a dinner as scheduled and then proceeded to return to his old living quarters. That wouldn’t be a problem, since His Holiness Pope Francis chose to live elsewhere, the room is open. However, once we asked him where he was going, he simply said, ‘I’m back,’ then proceeded to put his sunglasses on even though we were inside.”Sources say that the next...
  • Holder to Walk: Attorney General Leaving Fast, Furious

    09/25/2014 9:05:01 AM PDT · by Lucky9teen · 16 replies
    http://scrappleface.com/ ^ | 9/25/14 | Scott Ott
    BREAKING… (2014-09-25) — A Justice Department source says Attorney General Eric Holder hopes to leave his post fast, furious with opponents’ attacks on his tenure as the nation’s top law enforcement officer.President Obama, reportedly, plans to just “let him walk.”“Of course, Obama will always know where Holder is,” the unnamed source said. “Such a powerful person is easy to trace, in case the president needs to shoot him an email, or has a legal concern that’s sort of borderline.”Friends and associates say the Attorney General hopes to “get a job in the private sector where the cops won’t hassle him just because...
  • Retiring Senator Endorses Hillary for President [Another one of my fake stories]

    09/24/2014 1:21:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Retiring Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) gave a ringing endorsement to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential ambitions. “Most people think that she is a moderate, kind of middle-of-the-road type of politician,” Harkin said. “This is way off the mark. She is much farther to the left and a lot more progressive in her thoughts and her inclination than most people may think. That’s why she has my unconditional support should she choose to run for president in 2016.” if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at... http://azconservative.org/2014/09/19/dem-operative-says-obama-planning-october-surprise/
  • Americans Fighting for ISIS Shouldn’t Lose Passports, Congressional Candidate Says [Another one of

    09/24/2014 11:05:33 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The suggestion that Americans leaving the country to join ISIS ought to forfeit their passports was rejected by Iowa Democratic Congressional candidate Staci Appel during her televised debate with her GOP opponent David Young. “The right to travel is fundamental to what it means to be an American,” Appel maintained. “A person shouldn’t have to worry that someone else will judge the reasons for his travel as illegitimate. What if the American tries to join ISIS but is rejected for some reason? Shouldn’t he still have a home country to return to? What if he fights for ISIS for a...
  • Victorious Secret: Lingerie for Overcomers

    09/23/2014 5:49:54 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 20 replies
    Wittenburg Door ^ | 08/29/2008 | Kenny R
    Victorious Secret bills itself as "The Lingerie Line for the Overcoming Woman" And it is the "premier and dominant" producer of Christian-themed apparel in America, and maybe in the universe, according to the company's innovative founder, Veronique Wisteria. Famous for her eccentric ways and romanesque figure, Veronique started the company as a mail-order operation in her laundry room. Now it has more than 400 employees at its headquarters in Kansas City, Mo., and a 70,000 square-foot warehouse in Orange County, Calif., that handles more than 800,000 orders a year. But achieving that goal was difficult--about as difficult as slipping into...
  • Candidate Says Illegal Immigrants Have Earned Right to Receive Welfare [Fiction]

    09/23/2014 9:57:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Democratic gubernatorial candidate Rep. Mike Michaud (Maine) says he is opposed to the idea of curtailing the eligibility for welfare payments to illegal immigrants. “These people have undertaken a long, arduous, and often dangerous journey to get here,” Michaud said. “That took courage and determination. Welfare payments are a meager reward for enduring these treks. It would be niggardly of us to deny them after they’ve crossed the finish line.” Under Maine law, illegal immigrants are not eligible for state funded welfare payments. Nonetheless, several cities have defied the law and paid out public funds to them. Portland disburses over...
  • IRS Commissioner Taunts Congress

    09/23/2014 8:07:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Internal Revenue Service (IRS) commissioner John Koskinen made light of Congressional efforts to probe his agency for evidence of wrongdoing. At a House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee hearing Koskinen mocked committee members, saying that “hard drive crashes continue as we speak. We can erase files and destroy incriminating evidence faster than you can imagine where to look.” Charges that IRS employees broke the law and broke file retention protocols elicited only a chuckle from the Commissioner. “Congress is not my boss,” Koskinen pointed out. “I answer to the President. Last I heard, he thinks we’re doing fine.” Koskinen belittled...
  • Attorney General Calls for More Racial Balance in People Police Shoot

    09/22/2014 11:03:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Referencing the events in Ferguson, Missouri, US Attorney General Eric Holder called for more racial balance in the people police shoot. “What we had in Ferguson was a white officer shooting a Black teenager,” Holder recounted. “When we look at over all statistics, white officers shooting African-Americans is disproportional to their representation in the population. This establishes a prima facie case that racism is playing a role in the use of deadly force.” “We need to ask some hard questions,” Holder contended. “Why isn’t there a more proportionately balanced representation of America’s population when it comes to police shootings? Why...
  • Female Democrat Heavyweights Assert “Congress Is out of Touch on Women’s Issues”

    09/22/2014 9:03:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    A roundtable discussion at the Center for American Progress agreed that “Congress is out of touch on women’s issues.” Contributors to this conclusion included former Secretary of State and aspiring Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton, Democratic Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) and Patty Murray (Wash), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif), and Rep. Rosa DeLauro (Conn). “Women bear nearly 100% of the physical burden of procreation, yet do not exercise 100% of the power to determine how these children shall be raised and cared for,” Clinton observed. “Women who are married have to share authority with their children’s fathers. This cultivates...
  • New Gun Buyers Are Being Asked To Declare Sexual Orientation and Plans For The Weekend

    09/22/2014 7:08:44 AM PDT · by Lazamataz · 100 replies
    Original Content | 9/22/2014 | Laz A. Mataz
    People who purchase new guns are being forced to disclose sexual orientation and specific, detailed plans for the upcoming weeked, in the latest amendment to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosive (BATFE) agency's Form 4473 that was issued as of September 1, 2014. Gun retailers said that the buyer may select one of the 12 sexual orientation options, and that failure to select an option was considered a violation, and very tacky as well. The options, copied verbatim from the form, are as follows: Dirty, stinking, breeding Heterosexual Superior, wonderful Homosexual Transvestite Transexual Pansexual Asexual Gender Questioning Intersex...
  • Student Punished for Sharing His Lunch

    09/21/2014 9:54:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Weaverville Elementary School (Calif) eighth grader Kyle Bradford was sent to detention for sharing his burrito with another student. Tom Barnett, the Superintendent of the Trinity Alps Unified School District explained that “there is a district wide policy that prohibits students from exchanging the meals that the school provides. In this particular instance Mr. Bradford’s apparent act of kindness was undermining the school’s food allocation decisions.” The student Bradford gave half of his burrito to had been “allocated” a cheese sandwich that was not to his liking. Bradford was unimpressed by the school’s rationale and undeterred regarding potential future food...
  • Dem Operative Says Obama Planning "October Surprise"

    09/19/2014 3:20:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Long time Democratic Party operative Bob Beckel says GOP hopes of taking control of both Houses of Congress will be thwarted by an "October surprise." "Republicans who are counting on the President's unpopularity to spark a vote against Congressional Democrats are in for a rude awakening," Beckel predicted. "On Sunday, November 2nd President Obama will go on national TV and announce his resignation. Relieved of this albatross, embattled Democrats should be able to cruise to the finish line on top on November 4th." "Then on the third day, November 5th, President Obama will rise like Jesus did, and resume his...
  • IRS Chief Says “We Try to Follow the Law Whenever We Can”

    09/17/2014 8:55:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means subcommittee that “as a general rule, we try to follow the law whenever we can.” Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), who leads the subcommittee, expressed the idea that the IRS ought to always follow the law and asked for instances in which Koskinen thought breaking the law might be necessary. “Laws are such static things,” Koskinen observed. “They don’t necessarily provide for every possible contingency. If the President feels that there is a gap in the law we’re not going to allow ourselves to be stymied by the lack of legislative...
  • Senator Udall Says Debates “Not Part of My Strategy”

    09/16/2014 12:33:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Sitting Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) refuses to debate his GOP opponent Cory Gardner, saying that a proposed televised debate is “not part of my strategy for reelection.” “These live debates are such a crap shoot,” Udall groused. “You can’t carefully craft your message. You only have a few seconds to compose answers to off-the-wall questions. The risk of a misstatement is high.” Rather than endanger the major investment his campaign has made in focus group-vetted platitudes by debating, Udall expressed satisfaction with his plan to bombard voters with dinner-time robocalls. “The beauty of these is that a candidate has total...
  • Germany Strikes Blow Against ISIS

    09/15/2014 1:20:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The German Government has decided to strike back against the ISIS reign of terror in Iraq and Syria by revoking its access to civic amenities. Included in the ban would be the total loss of privileges to use public facilities such as meeting rooms at libraries, ramadas at public parks, and participation in public parades. In addition, security personnel at sporting events will be instructed to deny admittance to anyone wearing Isis symbols including hats, t-shirts or other garb with the organization’s insignia. Defense minister Thomas de Mazičre, characterized the restrictions as “a measured response. We want to give them...
  • School Confiscates American Flags from Students

    09/14/2014 9:38:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 36 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Woodruff High School in Spartanburg, South Carolina confiscated American flags from the vehicles of four students this past week. The school’s principal, Aaron Fulmer, explained that “professions of patriotism do not write a ‘blank check’ for egregious behavior. Many of our undocumented students may feel intimidated by such flagrant demonstrations. And as President Obama has pointed out, the American flag, like the Confederate flag, is seen as a symbol of oppression in many parts of the world.” “Flaunting so-called American exceptionalism also contradicts the lesson of humility our school is trying to inculcate,” Fulmer said. “The United States is just...
  • Mexican President Calls Perry Border Policy “Unneighborly”

    09/14/2014 7:44:07 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 24 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Mexican President Enrique Peńa Nieto castigated Texas Governor Rick Perry’s deployment of National Guard troops on the U.S.-Mexican border as “unneighborly. He’s like that Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino telling my people to get off his lawn.” “For decades my people have become accustomed to the ability to pass freely between our two countries,” Peńa said. “In our minds this clearly establishes an ‘easement’ right to travel over these roads and pathways. For Governor Perry to suddenly seek to terminate these rights is an affront.” Peńa indicated that he plans to bring the issue up before the United Nations....
  • Kerry Says Islamic State Is Not Islamic

    09/13/2014 1:08:30 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry challenged ISIL’s definition of itself and insisted that the self-proclaimed Islamic State is not, in fact, Islamic. “I studied Islam in college,” Kerry asserted. “None of the books I read or classes I took mentioned anything about beheading unbelievers or raping women. I’ll stack this up against the mutterings of an uneducated terrorist any day of the week.” Palestinian-Jordanian politician Muhammad Bayoudh Al-Tamimi disagreed with Kerry and maintained that ISIL’s “actions and words stem directly from the Quran and Sunna—two of Islam’s most sacred texts.” A spokesman for ISIL suggested that “perhaps this chattering...
  • Sarah Palin Smacks Michelle Obama In The Face At D.C. Starbucks (satire)

    09/13/2014 10:46:41 AM PDT · by Impala64ssa · 13 replies
    Merica Post ^ | 9/13/14 | Matt Alexander
    Michelle Obama has been on a snack killing tyrade in the metro D.C area for the past few days. She recently met up with Sarah Palin at a Starbucks to debate healthy snacking versus eating delicious cookies and desserts. While Sarah was ordering a cookie Michelle snatched it from her hands and tossed it into the trash. Within seconds the ever so tough Alaska native took the palm of her hand a smacked it right across Michelle’s face. ‘Merica Post reached out to Sarah Palin for comment on the small tussle. Here’s what she had to say. “Don’t you ever...
  • Press Secretary Chides Golf Clubs

    09/13/2014 10:16:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The Trump National Golf Club, Winged Foot and Willow Ridge rejected requests to let President Obama play on their golf courses over the Labor Day weekend. This mightily irked Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “These clubs put the needs and convenience of their members ahead of the needs and convenience of the President of the United States,” Earnest charged. “It’s a clear case of misplaced priorities.” The inconveniences to golf club members would’ve been substantial. All other golfers would’ve been barred from the course while the President played through. “Where’s their sense of patriotism?” Earnest wondered. “The President is Commander-in-Chief....
  • Holder Says Arming Mexican Drug Cartels "Our Ace in the Hole" vs. ISIL Infiltrators

    09/12/2014 4:17:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 44 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    While a key part of President Obama's strategy to combat ISIL involves arming supposed enemies of that organization, a program that has previously been roundly criticized is now being bandied about as "prescient" and "visionary" by Attorney General Eric Holder. The program: "Fast and Furious." "What the President's critics have lambasted as wrongheaded and improvident is starting to look pretty good now that ISIL has vowed to infiltrate the United States via our southern border," Holder bragged. "The Mexican drug cartels are very territorial about what crosses over this border. They won't be too friendly toward ISIL actions that may...
  • Palestinian Authority Unveils Memorial To 9/11 Hijackers

    09/12/2014 12:27:40 PM PDT · by lbryce · 35 replies
    Pre Occupied Territory ^ | September 11, 2014 | Staff
    Thirteen years after nearly 3,000 people were killed in Islamic terrorist attacks on US soil, a Palestinian monument has finally been set up to commemorate the event and to honor those who died piloting the aircraft involved. A forty-foot statue of a Boeing 767-200ER crashing into a skyscraper was unveiled this morning in the square amid fanfare and speeches by political and cultural figures calling for continued resistance to Western “colonialism.” A military band played nationalist songs in praise of martyrdom while sweets were distributed to children, and attendees held aloft banners in tribute to the 19 men, mostly Saudi...
  • An Open Letter To Iggy Azalea: You’re A Racist And A Phony

    09/09/2014 11:07:36 AM PDT · by walford · 29 replies
    Thought Catalog ^ | September 5, 2014 | Anne Gus
    Dear Iggy Azalea: I am Anne Gus—journalist, social-justice activist, and reigning Queen of Thought Catalog. I know you’re finding it hard to believe that someone like me would bother writing to someone like you, and I know that you might be a teeny bit starstruck right now, but you’ve, like, been on my radar for a while now and I can’t remain silent about you any longer…I can’t let your atrocities go, like, unchallenged anymore…so congrats, I guess you can consider yourself officially famous now that I’m talking to you…or whatever. Iggy, in many ways we’re very similar people. We’re...
  • Firm Punished for Verifying Employee's Residency

    09/09/2014 9:00:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The Department of Justice has fined Culinaire International $20,000 for asking a prospective hiree to provide proof of legal residence. “Demanding that employees show proof of citizenship or legal residence in this country is discriminatory,” Attorney General Eric Holder asserted. “It explicitly contradicts the President’s expressed wishes that all applicants whether in this country legally or not be treated equal.” Holder brushed aside state laws that penalize employers for not verifying residency status as irrelevant. “The possibility that a state may sanction an employer for not conducting such a verification is not my concern,” Holder said. “The fact is Culinare...
  • NY Board of Elections Cracks Down on Unauthorized Speech

    09/08/2014 10:05:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Concerned that “unelected persons might defame elected officials,” the New York Board of Elections has declared that no one may criticize a sitting officeholder without first forming a “political action committee.” Executive Director Todd Valentine asserted that “the notion that everyone is free to say whatever they want about members of the government is a misunderstanding of the concept of freedom of speech. If you’re talking about or to another private citizen you can say whatever you want. But if you want to criticize the governor, mayor, or a member of the legislature or city council you need to file...
  • Biden Says Hoarders Are Retarding Economy

    09/07/2014 9:43:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 46 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Citing a paper released this week by the St. Louis Federal Reserve, Vice-President Joe Biden blamed American consumers for the sluggish economy. “The government is doing everything it can to try to stimulate the economy,” Biden contended. “The federal government is spending every dollar it can get its hands on. The Federal Reserve is manufacturing new dollars at an unprecedented pace. But consumers are just sitting on their cash.” “Hoarding cash makes no sense,” the Veep argued. “The dollar’s purchasing power is being diluted on a daily basis by government policies. Spending your dollars before they lose even more value...
  • UN Defends Refusal to Evacuate Non-Combatants in Gaza

    09/06/2014 11:57:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    In its efforts to minimize collateral damage in its campaign against Hamas terrorists who were launching rocket attacks against Israeli civilians, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) asked UN “peace keepers” in Gaza to help Palestinian civilians evacuate the combat zone. The UN refused this request. UN spokesperson Penelope Ironside explained that “the idea that civilians should be removed from the battle zone conflicted with the explicit strategy of one of the contending sides. For us to have assisted in their removal would have compromised the UN’s position as a neutral party.” “The conflict between Israel and Hamas is asymmetrical,” Ironside...
  • Senator to Issue Report Absolving IRS

    09/06/2014 10:05:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations is preparing a report that will absolve the IRS and Lois Lerner of any wrongdoing in the campaign to target and harass conservative political organizations. “Those who have alleged that Lerner and the IRS took it upon themselves to conduct a vendetta against conservative organizations have it all wrong,” Levin alleged. “Evidence has emerged that the IRS was acting upon urgent requests from highly placed members of the government. Bureaucrats being responsive to the needs of the government is behavior we should be encouraging not punishing.” The highly...
  • Kerry Says ISIS Will Be Destroyed Within Three Years

    09/05/2014 3:28:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 55 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry predicted that the Islamic State (also known as ISIS and ISIL) would be destroyed within three years. The means: "massive wrongful death lawsuits." "These thugs might think they're cute filming the decapitation of their victims," Kerry said. "But by putting their torts on record they have opened themselves to legal liability that will cost them billions in damages." "No country on Earth has better or more expensive lawyers than we do," the Secretary boasted. "With skills honed from decades of tormenting corporate defendants in the courtroom, the plaintiffs' bar will eviscerate ISIS's defenses and...
  • Furious Obama Says Calls to Putin Going Straight to Voice Mail

    09/04/2014 8:27:19 AM PDT · by traumer · 98 replies
    The New Yorker ^ | September 2, 2014 | By Andy Borowitz
    http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/furious-obama-says-calls-putin-going-straight-voicemail
  • ISIS Is A Clear Threat To The West That Must Be Stopped

    09/01/2014 11:02:18 AM PDT · by elhombrelibre · 14 replies
    Duffelblog ^ | 1 Sep 14 | Vladimir Putin
    The following is an op-ed written by Russian President Vladimir Putin. In recent months I have watched in stunned horror as a group armed with military weapons, trucks, and equipment has moved into and taken over a neighboring country. These disgusting savages who have effectively erased borders that have been in place for many years not only peril the sovereignty of nations, but also threaten to destabilize the entire region. I am of course referring to the terrorist group known as the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS or ISIL). It is just unbelievable to me that in...
  • Judge Rules Private School Vouchers Unconstitutional

    08/26/2014 6:36:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    North Carolina Superior Court Judge Robert Hobgood declared the state’s the Opportunity Scholarship program unconstitutional. The program provided funds for poor children to attend the same private schools attended by their financially better off peers. “Allowing these children to exit the failing public school system undermines the incentive and capability for improving the public schools,” Hobgood ruled. “It would put the good of the few ahead of the collective well-being of the whole. By preventing the few from escaping we maintain the pressure for reform of the system.” Hobgood rejected the argument that allowing students to exit substandard schools would...
  • DHS Says It Had to Release Murderers

    08/25/2014 6:41:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Outraged over learning that the Department of Homeland Security released 154 illegal immigrants convicted of homicide in their native country, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) demanded an explanation from DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson. He received a reply from Immigration and Customs Enforcement chief Thomas Winkowski. In his reply, Winkowski maintained that DHS “had no choice in the matter. We should not be castigated for obeying the law.” Winkowski’s contention, though, may not be correct. While it is true that the law does not permit DHS to hold illegal immigrants indefinitely, it does allow for the retention of “dangerous immigrants.” “Just because...
  • Congressman Wants to Ban Body Armor

    08/24/2014 9:29:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA) has introduced legislation that would prohibit the sale, use, or possession of body armor by unauthorized persons. “Authorized persons” in Honda’s view include government law-enforcement personnel, troops, and others the government may deem worthy of such protection. “Those duly empowered to use deadly force should not have to fear that their efforts might be thwarted by the widespread availability of bullet-resistant vests or helmets,” Honda said. “The government’s capacity to suppress dangerous elements must not be diluted.” Honda dismissed the idea that law-abiding civilians could have a legitimate need for this type of personal protection—Bullet Blocker’s...
  • Texas Governor Indicted for Abuse of Power

    08/23/2014 9:42:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    This past week an Austin Grand Jury indicted Governor Rick Perry (R) for abuse of power. The offending act was his veto of the budget containing funds for the salary of Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg. Perry took this action when Lehmberg refused to resign after her arrest for drunk driving. In April 2013, Lehmberg was hauled in for DUI. Tests showed her blood alcohol level to be more than three times the legal limit. Lehmberg threatened the arresting officer and deputies at the sheriff's office with the loss of their jobs for deigning to interrupt her travels. Thinking...
  • Missouri Governor Demands Vigorous Prosecution

    08/23/2014 6:09:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Missouri Governor Jay Nixon (D) is saturating the air waves with his demand that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson be “vigorously prosecuted” for shooting Michael Brown on August 9th. “We’ve all seen the Hell this community has gone through since the shooting,” Nixon recounted. “The Black citizens will burn down the entire town if we don’t give them the justice they want.” The Governor brushed aside the possibility that the shooting might be justifiable self-defense. “Sure we could spend a lot of time and effort trying to determine whether Brown brought this on himself by attacking Wilson,” Nixon said. “Maybe...
  • State Department Insists US Is Not at War with ISIS

    08/22/2014 10:06:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 30 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The beheading of American journalist James Foley, the massacre of thousands of Christians, Kurds, and Shiite Muslims, and ISIS’s vow that its flag will soon fly over the White House does not mean the United States is at war with them, says Deputy State Department spokesperson Marie Harf. “ISIS may think they are at war with us, but that doesn’t mean we are at war with them,” Harf insisted. “As you may have observed, President Obama sternly denounced Foley’s televised beheading. He has done his part to inspire others to take the actions needed to cope with the situation. There’s...