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Keyword: satire

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  • EPA Mulling Rules against Fireworks, BBQs [semi-satire]

    07/04/2015 10:46:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jul 2015 | John Semmens
    The American tradition of celebrating Independence Day with fireworks and barbeques may be living on borrowed time. The Environmental Protection Agency is working on new regulations that could put a serious dent in the festivities. Strict new standards for ozone could bar most fireworks displays and some backyard BBQs. EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy derided the idea that traditional modes of celebrating July 4th merited any special consideration. "Clean air is too important to play second-fiddle to abuses that result in needless pollution," McCarthy contended. "Given our modern technology there are surely more environmentally-friendly ways of celebrating this annual event." The...
  • Oregon Cancels Free Speech Rights of Christian Bakers [semi-satire]

    07/04/2015 12:55:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jul 2015 | John Semmens
    Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian finalized his order requiring Aaron and Melissa Klein, bakers who refused to make a cake for a same-sex wedding, to pay $135,000 in emotional damages to the couple they denied service. When the Kleins attempted to defend their religious objections in a radio interview, Avakian issued a "gag order" forbidding them from speaking publicly on the topic. Avakian dismissed the "freedom of speech" claim, insisting that "Oregon's statute outlaws refusals to serve customers based on their sexual orientation. For them to try to continue the argument after I have already ruled against them shows contempt...
  • Greek PM proposes a union with San Juan: New nation to be called "Puerto Greco"

    06/30/2015 8:01:37 AM PDT · by ken5050 · 11 replies
    one man's opinion...
    In a surprising last minute effort to solve his country's overwhelming financial crisis, Greek PM Tsipris proposed that his nation merge with US protectorate Puerto Rico. Tsipris said this would immediately solve Greece's financial problems, as Obama will no doubt soon move to bail out Puerto Rico, and Greece would, as part of the new nation, be included.
  • Judge Blocks Ban on Dismemberment Abortions [semi-satire]

    06/29/2015 9:17:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In Kansas, Shawnee County District Court Judge Larry Hendricks issued an order blocking that state’s ban on abortions carried out by tearing the baby limb-from-limb while still in the womb. The Judge’s order came in response to a lawsuit filed by the New York-based Center for Reproductive Rights on behalf of Dr. Herbert Hodes and Dr. Traci Nauser—a father-daughter team of abortionists. “To allow this law to go into effect while the matter is being litigated would deprive the plaintiffs of their livelihood,” Hendricks said. “It would inflict irreparable harm and injury to their recognized right to ply their trade.”...
  • Hillary Clinton 2016 - I Want It Now (New Campaign Commercial)

    06/28/2015 2:03:23 PM PDT · by tcrlaf · 17 replies
    Youtube ^ | 6-28-2015
    This really is disturbing...
  • Court Rules that Disparate Outcomes Equal Discrimination [semi-satire]

    06/28/2015 11:27:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled that “victims of discrimination need not prove intent, disparate outcomes alone are evidence of illegal discrimination.” In a case where lending practices of banks were being contested, Justice Anthony Kennedy swept aside any need to show conscious intent to discriminate. “A bank may assert that ability to repay a loan is an objective criterion for making a loan, and so it would seem on the surface. But what if the ability to repay is unequally distributed along racial lines? That would mean that more whites than Blacks would receive loans. That’s...
  • IRS Destroys More Evidence [semi-satire]

    06/27/2015 4:09:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In what IRS officials are calling a one-in-a-million fluke, the precise emails subpoenaed by Congress in its investigation of IRS discrimination against the President’s political opponents were exactly the ones inadvertently erased by IRS employees. Lost are over 400 back-up tapes containing 24,000 emails to and from Lois Lerner—the IRS employee believed to have orchestrated the discriminatory treatment. Commissioner John Koskinen speculated that “our rather lengthy chain-of-command provided multiple opportunities for miscommunication somewhere along the line. It is not inconceivable that an instruction to ‘not erase’ may have been forwarded as ‘erase.’ The rest is, as we say, history. Nothing...
  • Crazed Gunman Sparks Anti-Confederate Groundswell [semi-satire]

    06/27/2015 9:45:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    While Dylan Roof may have wanted to see his murder of nine members of a South Carolina church Bible studies session inspire a race war, the aftermath has taken a different turn. Photos of Roof holding a Confederate flag have led to calls for the removal of this “odious symbol of oppression” from American life. All over the South, Confederate flags are being taken down from state houses, public parks, and memorials. At the Gettysburg National Historic Park all Confederate symbols have been taken down. Park Director Thomas Jackson asserted that “for too long we’ve accorded the treasonous rabble that...
  • John Roberts rules in favor of Obama third term

    06/27/2015 9:22:43 AM PDT · by Starman417 · 20 replies
    Flopping Aces ^ | 06-27-15 | DrJohn
    Obama takes his new dog "Roberts" out for a walkBarack Obama has decided to run for a third term (at least) as President of the United States. President Obama is beginning the process to amend the Constitution to allow him to run for a third term. WWN learned that the White House and President Obama’s campaign machine have a “foolproof” plan for the President to successfully achieve a third (and perhaps a fourth) term in office. At one time Obama planned to amend the Constitution: “President Obama only faces opposition in the House,” a White House insider told WWN....
  • Supreme Court Rewrites Obamacare [semi-satire]

    06/26/2015 10:23:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Acknowledging that the original Affordable Care Act "was so poorly written as to be utterly infeasible in its implementation," Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts took "the liberty of rewriting it to correct its deficiencies." "If we were to confine ourselves to the plain language of the statute, subsidies would be available to only those states that established their own health care exchanges," Roberts wrote. "In hindsight, relying upon the statutory text would doom the plan because only a minority of states established the required exchanges. Rather than allow Congress' inability to accurately forecast state behavior to undermine this signature...
  • Hotels And Retailers Make Massive Recall (satire)

    06/24/2015 7:32:40 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    Sarcasm and Wit | 6-24-15 | RetiredTexasVet
    Major hotel and retail chains today initiated a massive recall of racist white sheets from their hotels and stores. Complaints had been made by His Arrogance President Obama, Sort of Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, several prominent Harvard professors, and a slew of simpering Progressive and Dept. of Just Us opportunists that white sheets were racist and caused hate crimes. In several high end hotels black maids refused to remove the racist white sheets and hazmat teams were hired to perform the tasks. Racist white sheets will be replaced with PC sheets of color. Several low end motel chains...
  • Leading Dems OK with Clinton Foundation Influence Peddling [semi-satire]

    06/23/2015 9:42:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Despite former Clinton administration official Robert Reich’s reservations about “the apparent impropriety of a husband of a potential future president accepting money from foreign governments and big corporations for ‘speeches’ that hardly seem worth listening to, much less paying for,” key Democrats think its okay. “Bringing money into America from a foreign government boosts our economy,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-Mass). “If it’s trying to buy a policy that Hillary was going to follow anyway, well, that’s just ‘found money.’ And if it’s for a policy that Hillary doesn’t like, well, she can always welsh on the deal.” “People have...
  • Rise in Sexual Harassment Cases at State Department [semi-satire]

    06/22/2015 9:04:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In 2014, under the leadership of John Kerry, 248 sexual harassment cases were filed at the US Department of State. This is considerably higher than the 88 cases filed in 2011 under the leadership of Hillary Clinton. Kerry attributed the bulge in complaints to “employees’ misunderstanding of new training protocols I’ve introduced. It is not a scandal.” According to the Secretary, the new protocols “involve intentionally stressful interactions carried out under my orders. If you’re going to work for the Department you must learn skills of diplomacy. Being diplomatic in circumstances where everyone behaves politely and appropriately is no challenge....
  • Father's Day: a celebration of discrimination?(satire)

    06/21/2015 6:43:12 PM PDT · by ReformationFan · 10 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 6-21-15 | Konservative_Punk
    Several special interest groups have come together to protest Father's Day as a day of discrimination, as it allegedly stacks the deck against those women who are unable to become fathers, as well against those men who have chosen not to. "It's like an annual poke in the eye," said one concerned citizen, who did not wish to be self-identified as a member of any particular orientation nor gender. "As Michelle Obama recently said, the time has come to reconsider our traditions and reexamine our historical perspectives in order to accommodate this new generation who may not wish to glorify...
  • Study Shows Belgian Patients Euthanized without their Consent [semi-satire]

    06/21/2015 1:04:58 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Belgium passed its Euthanasia Act in 2002. A study published in this month’s Journal of Medical Ethics by Raphael Cohen-Almagor revealed that despite the law’s requirement that patients voluntarily give their consent to the procedure, many are euthanized without giving consent. The decision to euthanize was not discussed with the patient in nearly 80% of the cases of patients over 80 years old. Dr. Pierre Tueur estimated that “I have probably performed more than 300 of these procedures on patients incapable of giving informed consent. In cases where the patient is unconscious, demented, or unreasonably frightened of death, I feel...
  • Trump Enters Presidential Race [semi-satire]

    06/20/2015 9:51:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 25 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Real estate baron and reality TV star Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring in the race for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination this week. In his announcement in front of a crowd—many of whom were paid $50 apiece to cheer him on—Trump pledged to secure government entitlements. “With the other Republicans in the race, you never know whether they might end up cutting or privatizing Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid,” Trump alleged. “Right here and right now I’m promising that these programs will be fully funded for as long as there is money to pay for them.” Trump...
  • Disgraced NBC Anchorman Moves to MSNBC [semi-satire]

    06/19/2015 3:53:30 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Dismissed from his post at NBC's Nightly News for making up stories, Brian Williams has been reassigned to the company's floundering cable channel where he has vowed "to reclaim my reputation, one viewer at a time." Whether Williams will be able to accomplish was thrown into doubt by his stubborn insistence that his on-the-air fabrications "weren't intended to mislead people." "Fiction isn't inherently untrue," Williams observed. "Many novels and movies portray deeper truths via fictional characters and events. We don't deride Mark Twain or Steven Spielberg for making up stuff. While I don't claim to be as good at it...
  • Parody: Jeb Bush Speaks In Spanish About The Importance Of Speaking In English

    06/17/2015 11:14:22 AM PDT · by smoothsailing · 9 replies
    Western Journalism ^ | 6-7-2015 | Pedro Gonzales
    Parody: Jeb Bush Speaks In Spanish About The Importance Of Speaking In English "If they haven't committed murder, is it really fair to deport?" Pedro Gonzales - June 17, 2015 A parody of a Jeb Bush interview: ( Click image for video)
  • A Most Dangerous Heresy

    06/17/2015 10:34:24 AM PDT · by NRx · 13 replies
    ignatius his conclave ^ | 06-17-2015 | gkirkuk
    The scientific world was shocked and outraged today when the long-awaited papal encyclical on climate change, De haeretico comburendo, was leaked by seasoned Vatican watcher Sandro Magister. Magister was immediately stripped of his press accreditation. In a scathing attack on what he will call ‘the climate change industry’, Pope Francis will claim that recorded changes over recent years are well within generally accepted margins of error, and that evidence that they are primarily caused by human activity are ‘highly speculative and almost certainly exaggerated’. The Pope will call for the resources of global finance now being devoted to lowering greenhouse...
  • Police Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand [semi-satire]

    06/16/2015 3:28:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Police in Overton, Texas ordered two sisters, Zoey (aged 7) and Andria Green (aged 8) to “cease and desist” selling lemonade in their efforts to raise money to buy a Father’s Day gift for their dad. “Selling anything in Texas without a permit is illegal,” explained rousting officer Doug Stamper. “It doesn’t matter that neighborhood lemonade stands have been a time-honored way for kids to make a buck. Under the law, they need to buy a permit if they want to sell lemonade.” The cost of the required permit is $150. Few kids would have the funds to afford it....
  • Violence problem solved: criminals to buy CRIME insurance

    06/16/2015 1:28:10 PM PDT · by HammerT · 14 replies
    The People’s Cube ^ | 6/10/2015 | Comrade Šterpin
    Let's give plaudits for House Democrat Rep. Carolyn Maloney (N.Y.) for her plan to require criminals to buy gun insurance: Democrat Congresswoman Says Making Gang Members Buy Gun Insurance Will Stop Shootings I’m afraid it won't be enough, though. Violence isn’t always the fault of guns; oftentimes it's the fault of fists, knives, feet, cricket bats, broken bottles, sewing needles, derringers, etc. So there has to be a better solution to the country’s rampant violence problem, and not just locking up perps - what is that going to do? We propose a Federal system whereby criminals will be required to...
  • Pennsylvania Teachers Attend Mosque [semi-satire]

    06/15/2015 10:24:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    About 50 teachers and administrators of the Lebanon School District in Pennsylvania got paid time off to attend Islamic religious training. Teacher Lara Book called the day “amazing. Even though the rituals are different what came through loud and clear is that all religions want the same thing.” While the ACLU is normally “johnny-on-the-spot” to protest any show of religion in a public space, especially one where taxpayer resources may be unconstitutionally used to promulgate a faith, spokesman Betram Petty found no problem with this event. “The whole separation of church and state thing is a western way of thinking,”...
  • Boeing Innovation Increases Fliers’ Toilet Access [semi-satire]

    06/14/2015 6:14:20 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Concerned that the space allotted for on-board toilet facilities reduces the number of seats for passengers, the Boeing Corporation is converting all passenger seats on its 777-300ER into “potty chairs.” “Every additional passenger a plane can carry adds badly needed revenue to the airline’s bottom line,” said Boeing’s public relations specialist Anita Crapper. “We thought, if there were a way to convert the space set aside for restrooms into passenger seating it would permit airlines to earn thousands more per flight. By making every seat a ‘potty chair’ airlines can achieve that objective.” Ms. Crapper lauded this innovation as “far...
  • satire USS Gabrielle Giffords Christened As Navy’s First Gun-Free Warship

    06/14/2015 1:57:54 PM PDT · by RightGeek · 44 replies
    DuffelBlog ^ | 6/13/2015 | Ted Heller
    MOBILE, Ala. — Seeking to honor a retired congresswoman and 2011 shooting victim in the most considerate and respectful way possible, the Navy today christened the future USS Gabrielle Giffords (LCS-10), a first-of-its-kind, gun-free warship. Designed to hold a core crew of 40 sailors, the Independence-class littoral combat ship has been stripped bare of its Mk 110 57-millimeter gun, all four of its Mk2 .50-cal machine guns, its Evolved SeaRAM 11 cell missile launcher, and its entire cache of small arms, which are typically issued to boarding teams and watch standers. “Having this mighty warship be 100% gun-free not only...
  • Congressman Introduces Automatic Voter Bill [semi-satire]

    06/14/2015 11:38:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) has drafted legislation that he says “will greatly simplify the whole voting process in this country. Right now we have what is basically an ‘opt-in’ system. Those who want to vote have to take the initiative to register and make a periodic effort to cast a ballot. There is no question this reduces the number of ballots cast and lessens participation in our democratic process.” Under Cicilline’s bill, every voter would be automatically registered to vote on his or her 18th birthday. A notice would be sent supplying each newly registered voter with a postage-paid reply...
  • Homeland Security Searching for Leaker [semi-satire]

    06/13/2015 3:14:02 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Last week’s news that the TSA failed to detect 95% of the weapons smuggled onto airlines in its security test has focused the Department on ways to tighten up security. Readers will be forgiven for mistakenly assuming that the tightening efforts will be on ways to interdict more smuggled weapons. In fact, the main concern, as Secretary Jeh Johnson sees it, “is finding the person who leaked these confidential test results to the media.” “The sad truth is that there is no way we can intercept more than a tiny fraction of actions hostile toward our air transportation system,” Johnson...
  • HUD Eager to Put More Public Housing into Suburban Neighborhoods [semi-satire]

    06/13/2015 11:15:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration’s Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) is working on new regulations that would tie federal aid to the placement of low-income public housing within white suburbs. HUD Secretary Julian Castro explained that “ensuring diversity in every community is a key goal of this Administration. People on welfare shouldn’t be denied the right to live in nice communities just because there is no affordable housing available. Likewise, racists shouldn’t be allowed to insulate themselves from having neighbors of color merely by moving into areas with expensive housing.” A possible fringe benefit for whites under this initiative, according...
  • Angry Obama Vows Vengeance against Trade Bill Opponents [semi-satire]

    06/12/2015 7:14:02 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Alternating between tears and venom, a stunned President Obama ranted against members of his own Party, calling them "faithless turncoats" and alleging that "they are destroying my credibility with foreign nations," after the House of Representatives voted 302 to 126 against the Trade Adjustment Assistance Act--a provision deemed crucial to the fate of his "fast track" trade legislation. The vote came after a rare personal appearance of President Obama to lobby for the legislation. Erstwhile political ally, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), led Democratic opposition to the President's wishes. She remained unfazed by the President's threat "to make life...
  • SATIRE: Netanyahu Endorses Candidate in U.S. Presidential Race

    * TEL AVIV, ISRAEL: In a nearly unprecedented move, Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu has endorsed a candidate in the 2016 race for President of the United States. Netanyahu made his announcement during an early morning press conference Friday. Traditionally, the protocol among heads of state has been to steer clear of any and all political endorsement of other candidates or incumbent heads of state, and to not in any way be involved in the elections of other nations. But perhaps being fueled by anger after recently learning that current U.S. President, Barak Obama has at US taxpayer expense, sent...
  • President Gives TSA “Vote of Confidence” [semi-satire]

    06/09/2015 10:21:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Recent field tests indicating that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) failed to detect smuggled weapons 96% of the time did not deter President Obama from expressing his “continued confidence in the job they are doing protecting our aviation network.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest contrasted the dismal test results with “the absence of any recent real world attacks,” saying that “I’d put more weight on what hasn’t happened than on what might’ve happened. Some are saying that we’ve just been lucky that no terrorists have tried to hijack an airline. But as baseball great Dizzy Dean once said ‘maybe it’s better...
  • New AG Seeks to Federalize All Elections [semi-satire]

    06/08/2015 3:12:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that “it is shameful that we allow each state to determine its own qualifications for voters,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch has proposed new rules that would concentrate all authority over elections under the jurisdiction of her US Department of Justice. “I know that the Constitution gave states the right to run their own elections, but it also gave Congress the right to alter state regulations if it so chooses,” Lynch pointed out. Lynch said she is “especially aggrieved that states get to determine who is and isn’t mentally competent to cast a ballot. By what right does any state...
  • New Candidate for President Vows to Complete Metric Conversion [semi-satire]

    06/08/2015 10:22:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    This week, former Rhode Island Senator and Governor Lincoln Chafee announced he is seeking the Democratic nomination for president in the 2016 election. A key factor in his decision to enter the race is “to bring the much-needed conversion of weights and measurements in this country into line with the metric system.” “The United States is seriously out of step with the rest of the world,” Chafee contended. “When everyone else is using meters and liters it is sheer arrogance for us to be using yards and gallons. It’s like we saying ‘we’re too good to lower ourselves to your...
  • Congresswoman Touts Mandatory Gun Insurance [semi-satire]

    06/07/2015 11:26:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) has introduced the Firearm Risk Protection Act—a bill she says will “make gun violence prohibitively expensive.” The gist of Maloney’s legislation is to require that every gun owner purchase liability insurance covering any injuries or fatalities resulting from the use of their weapons. “My bill would boost the cost of owning a gun by thousands of dollars a year,” the Congresswoman boasted. “This should price firearms out of reach for most people. No longer would owning a gun be a one-time purchase. There’d be continuing annual fees to be paid. The number of persons owning guns...
  • Carter Slams White Feelings of Superiority [semi-satire]

    06/06/2015 6:39:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Former President Jimmy Carter denounced white feelings of superiority as "racist residue" during an interview with the American Association of Retired Persons.(AARP). "Whites who use statistics indicating that Blacks are disproportionately involved in crime or on welfare are making judgments that neglect to consider valid cultural differences," the former President said. "The notion that earning a living is more respectable than subsisting on government benefits is pure prejudice. Logically, accepting welfare rather than submitting to wage-slavery makes perfect sense. Failure to credit Blacks who have made this logical decision reflects poorly on whites." "As for the higher Black participation in...
  • Senator Wants RICO Prosecution of "Climate Change Deniers" [semi-satire]

    06/05/2015 5:32:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Arguing that "the threat of global climate change is the greatest crisis we have ever faced," Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn) has called for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to employ the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act against those who dispute the threat. "Can we really afford to engage in debate when the world is literally melting right before our eyes?" Whitehouse wanted to know. "Those who try to insert feigned skepticism as a barrier to action are worse than jihadi terrorists. They are shills for the corrupt industries that profiteer off Americans' selfish addictions to comfort and mobility....
  • Ferguson Rioters Demand Backpay [semi-satire]

    06/02/2015 12:13:15 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Hundreds of individuals who came from across the country to participate in the riots in Ferguson, Missouri after a police officer shot cigar thief Michael Brown during a physical altercation, are complaining that they are owed backpay by Missourians Organizing for Reform and Empowerment (MORE). “We were promised $5,000 a person per month for keeping that town in the news,” complained Ward Burns, one of 500 protesters bussed in from Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Houston, Los Angeles, Nashville, Portland, Tucson, Washington, D.C., Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and other cities. “We need to get paid.” MORE is funded by left-wing billionaire George...
  • Documents Reveal State Dept Aided Rise of ISIS [semi-satire]

    06/01/2015 8:33:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The latest batch of declassified emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private server indicate that weapons used by ISIS to conquer half of Syria and Iraq were covertly supplied by the US. It appears that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was intimately involved in smuggling armaments from captured Libyan stockpiles to anti-Assad forces in Syria. Current Secretary of State John Kerry defended the arms transfers as “based on the best intelligence we had at the time. We knew Assad was a brutal dictator who needed to be deposed. We thought relying on anti-government elements in Syria could do the job...
  • IRS Defiant on Data Breach [semi-satire]

    05/31/2015 9:43:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    This week’s revelation that hackers stole the identities of 100,000 taxpayers from the IRS was characterized as “small potatoes” by Commissioner John Koskinen. “There are over 120 million individuals who pay federal income taxes. The 100,000 who will be victimized by this data breach represent less than one-tenth of one-percent of the total.” Koskinen went on to boast that “we stop nearly 50% of the breaches we know about before any individual’s information can be used to defraud the government”–an effectiveness ratio that he contended “far outshines your typical performance for any other federal agency.” The Commissioner lamented that “while...
  • Court Strikes Down Idaho Abortion Limitation [semi-satire]

    05/30/2015 10:41:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    An Idaho statute banning abortions after the fetus reaches 20 weeks of age was struck down by the US 9th Circuit Court of Appeals as “an undue burden on a parent’s ability to get an abortion.” “The assertion that 20 weeks is the age at which the fetus is capable of feeling pain cannot be permitted to outweigh the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision that a woman’s access to abortion is a fundamental right that cannot be abridged by state action,” wrote Judge Harry Pregerson for the three-judge panel hearing the case. “First of all, a fetus is not...
  • More than 20% of Americans Receive Welfare [semi-satire]

    05/30/2015 1:32:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2015 | John Semmens
    According to the latest Census Bureau data, 21.3% of those living in America are receiving welfare benefits. This includes more than 41% of Blacks, more than 36% of Hispanics, more than 17% of Asians and more than 13% of whites. Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell called it "a good start on the President's transformative agenda. Ideally, all output would be put into a common pot and doled out to individuals and families based on need. The notion that a person should be self-supporting is archaic. In another generation it will be completely replaced by an appreciation for the...
  • Kerry Calls for Stricter Government Regulation of Internet [semi-satire]

    05/26/2015 10:58:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    In a speech in South Korea US Secretary of State John Kerry called for government to play a bigger role in what goes on the Internet. Kerry advised that “we take a lesson from what’s going on in North Korea. Sure, there are a lot of things wrong with the way Kim is governing his country, but that doesn’t mean everything he’s doing is a mistake.” “A key positive in Kim’s policies is the government’s larger role in filtering what the citizens of North Korea can see and hear from the Internet,” the Secretary maintained. “Antisocial content that could undermine...
  • Police to use purple uniforms to “soften image” [satire]

    05/25/2015 10:01:00 AM PDT · by EveningStar · 54 replies
    Call the Cops ^ | May 23, 2015 | RJ
    Last week the President called for police to soften up uniforms to improve public relations. In response the Department of Justice is getting ready to field test new uniforms in friendly colors. Various shades of Purple are being tested as it seems to be universally thought of as a color of friendship.
  • Pay Hike Needed to Boost Congress’ Morale [semi-satire]

    05/25/2015 10:35:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Several Democrats, including Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (Md), made the case for higher compensation this week citing “the low morale among those of us in the legislature who can only salivate at the sums being hauled in by ex-presidents and others for trifling amounts of work. As members of a body of 435 we won’t have the same name recognition. We won’t be invited to pontificate on sundry topics for piles of cash.” Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) seconded Hoyer’s remarks saying “we need to get a bigger piece of the pie now! We pass laws doling out billions to important...
  • Maulana Fazlur Rehman Calls For Military Operation Against Jeans-Wearing Women (NUTTY ISLAM ALERT)

    05/24/2015 7:45:14 PM PDT · by goldstategop · 29 replies
    Khabaristan Times ^ | 05/22/2015 | NA
    Islamabad: Jamiat Ulema-e-Islami Fazl (JUI-F) Chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman following the Friday sermon requested the armed forces of Pakistan to launch a military operation against “jeans-wearing women” all over Pakistan in a press conference at a local hotel in Islamabad. Fazlur Rehman while highlighting the demerits of an operation against the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) said that the Taliban were not Pakistan’s enemy and the forces needed to target the real enemies of Pakistan. “The Taliban are our brothers and their angst against the state is justified,” Fazl said adding that, “As brother Ansar Abbasi has so eloquently put in the...
  • Hillary Clinton: We need to redefine what free speech means(satire)

    05/24/2015 12:33:12 PM PDT · by ReformationFan · 5 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 5-24-15 | Chedoh
    Hillary Clinton released an announcement over Memorial Day weekend on her Facebook page, saying that what we may think of as "free speech" can be hurtful towards other Americans, and we should put more effort into monitoring what we and others say to avoid painful dialogues, especially on the internet. "There is a problem in this country when people, mostly right-wing bigots, can easily inflict pain and suffering towards others through hurtful words and objections against alternative lifestyles and political stances. You often see it on Facebook and other forms of social media, where they are constantly spewing hate and...
  • Candidate Says “Everything Will Be Free When I’m President” [semi-satire]

    05/24/2015 6:34:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Self-described socialist and candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised voters that “everything will be free when I’m president.” “In a country as rich as ours it is shameful that mere lack of money should block anyone from having all the good things of life,” Sanders said. “No one should be stigmatized by having to grovel to qualify for food stamps or be denied entry into college because they can’t afford it or don’t have good high school grades. Anyone who wants to eat should simply be permitted to take food from a grocery store...
  • Taking Trump Seriously (American Thinker)

    05/24/2015 2:18:23 AM PDT · by Cringing Negativism Network · 76 replies
    American Thinker ^ | May 24 2015 | By Malcolm Unwell
    Are you not eagerly anticipating Donald Trump’s announcement about whether he will run for president? This is a serious question, despite all the mockery that is aimed at the real estate mogul. Skepticism about his potential candidacy is understandable, but the tone towards Trump would likely change dramatically were he to announce his candidacy. Read more: http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2015/05/taking_trump_seriously.html#ixzz3b2uFIVjj Follow us: @AmericanThinker on Twitter | AmericanThinker on Facebook
  • Bush Defends Warrantless Government Surveillance [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:09:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    While one GOP presidential candidate filibustered legislation extending the National Security Agency’s (NSA) authority to spy on Americans, another alleges that “there’s not a shred of evidence that this surveillance has violated anyone’s civil liberties.” GOP presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) spoke for 10 hours on the floor of the Senate contending that NSA’s warrantless violations of privacy are unconstitutional. “The Fourth Amendment was intended to protect us from unreasonable searches,” Rand argued. “It calls for government to obtain a warrant from a judge based on ‘probable cause.’ The gathering of massive amounts of private information without such warrants...
  • Failure to Disclose $26 Million in Bribes an "Oversight" Says CEO [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 9:26:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Recent revelations that the Clinton Foundation neglected to report over $26 million in payments from major corporations, universities, foreign sources and other groups was characterized as "a mere oversight" by Foundation Chief Executive Officer Donna Shalala. "The Foundation has raised more than $2 billion dollars over the years its been in existence," Shalala pointed out. "The $26 million everyone is hyperventilating over is relative pocket change amounting to barely 1% of the total. It's on a par with a Congressman failing to report a free vacation from a lobbyist or a waiter forgetting to report all his tip income to...
  • Hillary Defends Benghazi Lies [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:01:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed that the assault on the Benghazi Consulate and murder of Ambassador Stevens was a planned terrorist attack before she went public with the misleading cover story of a video protest gone bad failed to dislodge her from defending it. "Sure, we knew within hours of the Ambassador's death that the attack had been planned at least 10 days in advance, but for us to have publicly acknowledged this would have put the country into even greater danger," Clinton maintained. "Remember, this attack occurred just two months ahead of a presidential...