Keyword: satire

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  • Quake Alert Comes 92 Years Late [semi-satire]

    06/26/2017 12:36:31 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 June 2017 | John Semmens
    This past week the U.S. Geological Survey sent out an email alert warning of a 6.8 magnitude earthquake near Santa Barbara, California. A 6.8 magnitude is considered a "strong" quake and likely to cause moderate to severe damage to poorly constructed buildings. The fact that the alert was for an event that occurred in 1925 caused many to question the timeliness of the USGS warning. USGS Director Suzette Kimball acknowledged that "while the specific utility of this particular alert was low, we shouldn't discount the progress our Agency has made in the way of early warnings. The fact that we...
  • European Union Threatens Poland, Hungary [fake satire]

    06/25/2017 11:54:14 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Fake Satire ^ | 25 June 2017 | John Semmens
    The absence of Islamic terror attacks in Poland and Hungary has been attributed to these countries' refusal to take in an adequate portion of the flood of Muslim refugees that have swarmed into Europe over the last few years. The leaders of Hungary and Poland think this is a good thing. Hungarian Prime Minster Viktor Orban called these migrants "a poison" and said "every single migrant poses a public security and terror risk." Polish Prime Minister Beata Szydo called the European Union's policy of allowing mass migration from the Middle East "folly." EU Migration Commissioner Dimitris Avramopoulos slammed the governments...
  • Johnson Says DNC Refused DHS Help [fake satire]

    06/24/2017 2:12:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 June 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson testified before the House Intelligence Committee. Johnson became the latest former Obama Administration official to verify that there is no evidence of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians. Perhaps more relevant, however, was his puzzlement at the Democratic National Committee’s refusal of his proffer of assistance in the wake of their computers being hacked. “Considering what was at stake, I would have thought that putting the federal government’s expertise into play to protect the DNC’s confidential communications was a ‘no-brainer,’” Johnson said. “But despite my entreaties and offers...
  • FBI Asserts Shootings at GOP Baseball Practice "Random Violence" [fake satire]

    06/24/2017 10:39:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 June 2017 | John Semmens
    At a press briefing this week, Tim Slater, who leads the criminal division of the FBI's Washington field office, endeavored mightily to portray last week's assault on dozens of Republicans gathered to practice for a charity baseball game as a "purely spontaneous and random act of violence." Slater dismissed the testimony of witnesses who identified the shooter as the same man who moments earlier asked them if the men practicing were Republicans or Democrats as "insufficient to determine intent. Granted, he did go on to fire numerous rounds at these men, but we have no way of knowing whether he...
  • Dems Stunned by Ossoff Loss in Georgia [fake satire]

    06/23/2017 4:34:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 June 2017 | John Semmens
    In an election once widely touted by Democrats as "a referendum on the Trump presidency," Democrat Jon Ossoff lost to Republican Karen Handel in Georgia's 6th congressional district race. Ossoff nearly won the race in April's open primary—garnering twice as many votes as his nearest competitor—but fell short of the 50% +1 vote majority required. Democrats were also buoyed by a five-to-one campaign spending edge and polls showing Ossoff with a comfortable lead (on the Monday before election day, Democratic polling guru Nate Silver gave Ossoff a 70% chance of winning). Some Democrats blamed Ossoff's attempt to appeal to moderates...
  • Flash Flood Warnings Issued As Liberal Tears Continue To Soak Nation

    06/21/2017 10:13:51 AM PDT · by fungoking · 7 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 6/21/17 | Staff
    The National Weather Service has issue has issued widespread flash flood warnings across America as liberal tears continue to pour down unabated, increasing in severity after Karen Handel’s victory over Jon Ossoff in the race for Georgia’s 6th Congressional District. "We advise all citizens to disconnect electrical appliances, bring outdoor furniture inside, and move all important indoor items to the top floor of your home to avoid flood damage,” a NWS spokesman said. “Also, avoid walking or driving through streams of tears, as their power can be deceiving—just six inches of moving tears can knock you down, and only one...
  • Londoners Arrested for Anti-Muslim Internet Posts [semi-satire]

    06/19/2017 1:22:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 June 2017 | John Semmens
    London Mayor Sadiq Khan praised the bravery and initiative of City police in their quick response to anti-Muslim commentary following recent terrorist attacks in Manchester and London. “The adherence of Muslims to the tenets of their faith is protected by laws guaranteeing freedom of religion,” he said. “As pointed out by Shaikh Mohammad Tawhidi in Australia earlier this week, it is not a sin for a Muslim to kill a non-believer. It is a sin for a Christian to not turn the other cheek. By the tenets of the two faiths there is no justification for the criticism leveled against...
  • Trump Ends Y2K Spending [semi-satire]

    06/18/2017 6:18:02 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 June 2017 | John Semmens
    Though it may come as a shock to many, a government program designed to prepare the nation for the devastation that would be inflicted when the calendar rolled over from a century in which the years began with the number “19” to one in which the years began with the number “20” is still incurring expenditures 17 years after the “crisis” fizzled. Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney declared that “the amount of useless trash that is still being funded way past any reasonably conceived purpose is phenomenal. To begin with, the hysteria attached to the effect that...
  • Dems Respond to Attempted Massacre of GOP Lawmakers [semi-satire]

    06/17/2017 11:47:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 June 2017 | John Semmens
    This week's rifle assault by former Sanders for President volunteer James Hodgkinson on Republican members of congress practicing for the annual charity baseball game with their Democratic colleagues severely wounded House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-La) and injured several others. The assault had apparently been planned after the New York Times published the location of the GOP practice back in April. Law enforcement authorities profess themselves baffled and unable to conceive of a motive for the attack. Hodgkinson's Internet post asserting "Trump is a Traitor. Trump Has Destroyed Our Democracy. It's Time To Destroy Trump & Co." and the fact...
  • Mueller Expands Staff [fake satire]

    06/17/2017 12:52:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 June 2017 | John Semmens
    In the wake of former FBI Director James Comey's admission that there is no evidence of collusion between Trump and the Russians to rig last year's presidential election, independent counsel Robert Mueller has initiated a major expansion of his staff. "Inasmuch as it is inconceivable that a person as qualified as Secretary Clinton could be beaten by a boorish amateur like Donald Trump in a fair contest, there has to have been some sort of underhanded manipulation involved," Mueller reasoned. "My good friend James Comey valiantly tried to soldier on before he was improperly dismissed by his obviously guilty target....
  • Drop in Food Aid Applications Called "Horrific" [semi-satire]

    06/12/2017 10:09:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 June 2017 | John Semmens
    The Alabama Department of Human Resources reports that since reinstating the work requirement for able-bodied recipients in 13 counties, the number of people requesting aid from the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) has declined by 85%. The steep decline in program participation was decried as "horrific" by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). "The idea that any level of government would be permitted to resort to such an extortionate scheme is as clear a demonstration of the local government tyranny inspired by the illegitimate Bush Administration. Forcing a person to choose between two evils—work or starve—is not the America I...
  • Romney Says Hillary Encouraged Him to Seek SOS Job [semi-satire]

    06/11/2017 12:51:34 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 June 2017 | John Semmens
    Former Republican presidential candidate and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney says former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton "encouraged me to actively seek her old job. 'Don't let your differences with Trump scare you off,' she told me. 'I had differences with Obama, but I put those aside to take the job.'" "She was very sympathetic to the fact that I had spent tens of millions of dollars of my own money running against Obama for the presidency," Romney recalled her saying. "'You can get that back and more just like I did. When you're Secretary of State you have say-so over...
  • US States, Cities Seek to Enforce Climate Pact Trump Rejected [semi-satire]

    06/10/2017 5:01:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 June 2017 | John Semmens
    Four states–California, Connecticut, Washington and Oregon have joined together to form the United States Climate Alliance. The objective is to bypass Trump’s decision and implement the terms of the Paris Accord on climate. California was the first to take action by ratifying a separate climate pact with China. “We had to pick a side,” Gov. Jerry Brown (D) declared. “Looking at the options we determined that Trump is the greater threat. So we made our own deal with China.” The deal reportedly will increase the importation of “green technologies” manufactured in China. The irony is that Chinese factories are among...
  • Muslim Rapists Go Free in Idaho [semi-satire]

    06/10/2017 9:47:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 June 2017 | John Semmens
    Three Muslim youths who orally and anally raped and urinated on a 5-year-old girl got off with probation and no time served. Bizarrely, Janice Kroeger, the Senior Deputy Prosecuting Attorney, called the rapists "the real victims of this tragic turn of events." "These three boys are all doing well in school," Kroeger said. "We shouldn't discourage this accomplishment by subjecting them to the scarring effects of incarceration. They are already suffering PTSD from their arrest and these judicial proceedings. There's no need to compound this by putting them in a juvenile detention center." Kroeger lashed out at the little girl's...
  • Comey Testifies [semi-satire]

    06/09/2017 10:23:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 June 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, Former FBI Director James Comey testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Thursday. While he confirmed that there is no evidence of any wrongdoing by Trump, he raised the issue of "whether a person so creepy and obnoxious deserves to be president. He is so different in every way from President Obama that I got a queasy feeling just being in the same room with him. I just didn't know how to react, so I joined the parade of government insiders who have been leaking confidential matters to the media in the hope that someone would rid the...
  • CNN To Launch Real News Spinoff Site (satire)

    06/09/2017 2:51:22 PM PDT · by fungoking · 4 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 6/9/17 | Staff
    ATLANTA, GA—After years of publishing distorted headlines, slanted news articles, and heavily biased news coverage, media giant CNN announced Friday that it has decided to launch a spinoff site that focuses on real news comprised of objective facts. Dubbed “CNN: Real,” the site is designed to bring the news media empire into the arena of publishing real news, a step away from its roots as a channel that covers entirely fabricated stories and shamelessly spins all news into liberal talking points. “We know this is going to get some push-back from our viewer base, but don’t worry: the original CNN...
  • Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship (Satire)

    06/07/2017 7:57:28 AM PDT · by TigerClaws · 31 replies
    AUBURN, CA—Local 36-year-old man Nate Ripley, who identifies as a six-year-old, “absolutely crushed” a game-winning homer at a local tee-ball game and won the championship for his team Monday evening, reports confirmed. Ripley reportedly walked up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th, pointed his bat toward the left-field wall looming 130 feet in the distance, and let her rip, sending the ball rocketing over the fence and into a parking lot as the fans cheered and his coach yelled out, “Attaboy, Nate! Good job, bud!” His team, the Lil’ Padres, attempted to hoist him up on their...
  • Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship (satire)

    06/06/2017 5:08:37 PM PDT · by fungoking · 14 replies
    AUBURN, CA—Local 36-year-old man Nate Ripley, who identifies as a six-year-old, “absolutely crushed” a game-winning homer at a local tee-ball game and won the championship for his team Monday evening, reports confirmed. Ripley reportedly walked up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th, pointed his bat toward the left-field wall looming 130 feet in the distance, and let her rip, sending the ball rocketing over the fence and into a parking lot as the fans cheered and his coach yelled out, “Attaboy, Nate! Good job, bud!” His team, the Lil’ Padres, attempted to hoist him up on their...
  • Times Editor Rejects Concept of Thoughtful Disagreement [semi-satire]

    06/05/2017 10:54:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 June 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, Pulitzer award-winning New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet told a gaggle of leftist loons that "we don't need to subject ourselves to the erroneous views of our antagonists. The concept that liberal society has room for thoughtful disagreements is out-of-step with the modern progressive way of thinking." "Its long past the time when progressives had to put up with the rantings of the right as a sop to supposed civilized behavior," Baquet said. "The need for us to pretend to be tolerant of our enemies no longer exists. Why should we listen to ideas that have been...
  • ACLU Opposes Criminalizing Female Genital Mutilation [semi-satire]

    06/04/2017 4:57:48 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 June 2017 | John Semmens
    The American Civil Liberties Union has taken a stand in opposition to a proposed Maine law that would make it illegal for parents to mutilate the genitals of their daughters. "This bill unfairly targets Muslims for carrying out traditions of their faith," charged ACLU spokesman Oamshri Amarasingham. "Jews are allowed to mutilate their sons. Why shouldn't Muslims be permitted to mutilate their daughters?" Sponsor of the bill Rep. Heather Sirocki (R-Scarborough) disputed the comparability argument. "Circumcising males only removes a portion of the penis' foreskin," she pointed out. "It does not destroy the possibility of sexual performance or satisfaction that...