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Keyword: satire

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  • CNN Chief Boasts Daily “Two-Minute Hate” of Trump Boosts Morale [fake news-satire]

    02/18/2017 12:12:20 PM PST · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    CNN president Jeff Zucker admitted that “having the President of the United States impugn our integrity at every opportunity has battered the psyches of many of our network’s employees. We are the ones who determine the facts. We are the ones who impugn the integrity of those who don’t advance the progressive agenda. Trump’s rejection of our traditional role is a reversal that has hit us hard.” “Our morale since that black day in November has been in the dumpster,” Zucker observed. “But we are turning it around. Thanks to a suggestion emailed to us by a viewer, we have...
  • PRESIDENT Trump Is Removing All Islamic Symbols Out The White House! Thank You Jesus [hoax?]

    01/26/2017 12:31:08 PM PST · by Morgana · 36 replies
    The Doctor Of Common Sense ^ | January 26, 2017 | ET WILLIAMS
    PRESIDENT Trump Is Removing All Islamic Symbols Out The White House! Thank You Jesus
  • Warren Condemns Trump's Deplorable Xenophobia [semi-satire]

    02/14/2017 11:43:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    Seeking to gain a leg up on other potential Democratic Party aspirants for the 2020 nomination, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) excoriated the Trump Administration's "deplorable xenophobia in placing the interests of American citizens ahead of the interests of humanity." "Hillary warned us of the transcendent evil that Trump poses to the progressive values President Obama strove to embed in our government's policies," Warren screeched in her Senate tirade against the confirmation of Sen. Jeff Sessions as the new US Attorney General. "By confirming Sessions the Senate has embedded diametrically opposed values. Putting Americans ahead of immigrants is, as the US...
  • Muslim IT Guys Spied on Democrats [semi-satire]

    02/13/2017 10:52:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    Three Muslim brothers who managed office IT for a number of Democratic legislators were fired this week for unauthorized access and distribution of confidential information. Abid, Imran, and Jamal Awan had been hired at $160,000 annual salaries to provide IT services for dozens of Democrats including former Democratic National Committee Chairman Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz of Florida. You may recall, that Wasserman-Schultz’s purloined emails played a role in embarrassing Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign last year. Despite one of the brothers having a criminal record, eight Democratic members of the House (Andre Carson, Luis Guiterez, Jim Himes, Terri Sewell, Jackie Speier, Mike...
  • CNN Journalist Objects to "Fake News" Label [semi-satire]

    02/12/2017 2:13:54 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    CNN's Chris Cuomo is attempting to make a case that labeling his reports as "fake news" is the equivalent of using racial epithets against a person. "Calling someone the 'n-word' is pure bigotry," Cuomo declared. "It takes a trivial difference in appearance as an excuse for name calling. Likewise, using discrepancies in what we report as evidence of 'fake news' blows a minor issue into an insensitive and hurtful remark. Both expressions ought to be banned from polite discourse." Cuomo brushed aside contentions that the two scenarios were, in fact, significantly different. "Some would argue that denigrating a person's skin...
  • New edition of the Bible announced [Satire]

    02/12/2017 9:08:51 AM PST · by markomalley · 21 replies
    Pope Francis has announced that a new edition of the Bible is to be released, removing some of the more "rigid" books (e.g. the four gospels) and adding a few new ones. After all, the Bible was put together about 1500 years ago. It was reaffirmed by the Council of Trent in 1546, although at the time some liberals imbued with the "Spirit of Trent" tried to slip in a few extras that took their fancy. In any case, it isn't modern and up to date! The New Non-Rigid Bible will have a loose-leaf format so that pages can be...
  • Berkeley Student Paper Defends Violence to Suppress Freedom of Speech [semi-satire]

    02/11/2017 1:41:18 PM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    In the wake of a riot causing $100,000 in property damage and preventing Milo Yiannopoulos from speaking on campus, the University of California at Berkeley’s student-run newspaper–The Daily Californian—published a series of five op eds against freedom of speech. The University which had gained a reputation as a bastion of free speech for its position in favor of speaking in opposition to the Vietnam War 40 years ago has morphed into an enemy of the concept of the discovery of truth through open debate by those with different opinions. In one of the op eds, Nisa Dang contended that “free...
  • Court Disallows Trump Effort to Block Dangerous Foreigners [semi-satire]

    02/10/2017 6:33:26 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    This week the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit upheld a lower court's blockage of President Donald Trump's Executive Order instituting temporary restraints on the entry of foreigners from seven countries currently embroiled in war and significant terrorist activity. Despite the existence of statutory authority enacted in 1952 expressly granting the president the power to issue such an Order, the Ninth Circuit judges ruled Trump's actions void on the grounds that it violated the Constitution's First Amendment clause barring the government from establishing a religion. The Court's decision honed in on the Executive Order's language calling for barring...
  • Personal Income Growth in Obama Years Weakest in History [semi-satire]

    02/08/2017 10:48:11 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    The year-to-year rate of growth in personal income in the United States was lower during President Obama's recently completed two terms than at any other period recorded in this country's history. In the last year of the Bush Administration the growth rate was 4.7%. In the last year of the Obama Administration the rate fell to 3.4%. This contrasted especially unfavorably to the average 9.5% annual increases during the Reagan years. Ranking member of the House Energy & Commerce Committee Rep. Frank Pallone (D-NJ) made an effort to defend the Obama record by pointing out that "when Reagan took office...
  • Study Shows Islam a Major Motivation for Terrorists [semi-satire]

    02/07/2017 9:46:23 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    A new study—Talking to Foreign Fighters: Insights into the Motivations for Hijrah to Syria and Iraq by University of Waterloo sociologist Lorne L. Dawson, and George Washington University Program on Extremism Fellow Amaranth Amarasingam—found that religion played the biggest role in spurring Muslims to join the jihad against unbelievers. "In the liberal way of thinking religion can't logically be a significant motivating factor for terrorist violence," Dr. Dawson observed. "The instinct is to look for socio-economic reasons to explain behavior that makes no sense to secularists. But our findings rebut this premise. The individuals who have actually left western societies...
  • DOE Nominee Attacked for Supporting Academic Freedom [semi-satire]

    02/06/2017 11:11:47 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    Betsy DeVos, Trump's nominee to head the US Depart6ment of Education, was assailed in Senate committee hearings for her past association with the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE). FIRE's positions in opposition to school suppression of freedom of speech and in support of transparent due process procedures for school disciplinary actions drew harsh opposition from Sen. Bob Casey (D-Penn). "FIRE has intruded on universities trying to police their own campuses to ferret out dangerous ideas and non-conforming attitudes," the Senator complained. "School administrators endeavoring to shield not-yet-mature young minds from confusing and confounding influences are being harassed by...
  • Democrats to protest Patriots Superbowl Win.

    02/06/2017 6:57:33 AM PST · by ISTHISONETAKEN · 37 replies
    Just heard the Democrats are planning on protesting the New England Patriots win - They claim that the Atlanta Falcons are the true winners of the season. For the entire 2016 regular season, the Atlanta Falcons scored a 540 points, whereas the Pats only totaled 441 points (putting them in 3rd place behind the Falcons and the Saints), therefore the Falcons are the true winners of this election game and it is only because of the arcane rules of the NFL that they Patriots were able to steal this win from the true winner. In what world does the team...
  • NY Guv Wants Abortion Protected in State Constitution [semi-satire]

    02/05/2017 11:14:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    Following the nomination of federal appellate court judge Neil Gorsuch for the US Supreme Court vacancy left by the death of Justice Antonin Scalia last February, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) announced a move to amend his state’s constitution to make a woman’s right to an abortion “safe from judicial meddling by a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees.” “The right of a woman to choose to terminate a pregnancy that was granted by the Court in their historic Roe v. Wade decision in 1973 must be saved from being callously snatched away after 40 years of successful operation,”...
  • Berkeley Mayor Justifies Riots [semi-satire]

    02/04/2017 2:45:16 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Feb 2017 | John Semmens
    While Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguin expressed regret that "the anger of those opposed to allowing a hateful white nationalist may have been a little too exuberant, we must acknowledge their constitutional right to prevent the airing of unacceptable views on the University campus." Breitbart reporter Milo Yiannopoulos' sold-out speech had to be canceled when 150 masked men went on a rampage blocking traffic, vandalizing the University, attacking police, and assaulting individuals who came to hear the speech. President Trump's post-riot suggestion that "the suppression of free speech at a heavily-subsidized public university raises questions about the continued federal role in...
  • Virgil: Minutes of the Deep State Executive Committee on the Permanent Campaign Against Trump

    02/03/2017 6:43:15 PM PST · by HarleyLady27 · 17 replies
    Breitbart ^ | Feb. 3, 2017 | Virgil
    Virgil, in his immortal way, has gained possession of a transcript of the most recent meeting of the Deep State Executive Committee. Although he has been unable to verify this document, or to identify the attendees, he believes it to be an accurate portrayal of ongoing Deep State activities against President Trump. Where appropriate, he has added explanatory hyperlinks.
  • TRUMP DESTROYED, DESTROYED, DESTROYED AND DESTROYED AGAIN [SATIRE]

    01/31/2017 8:11:46 PM PST · by naturalman1975 · 82 replies
    Daily Telegraph (Sydney) ^ | 30th January 2017 | Tim Blair
    I went online yesterday to learn more about Donald Trump blocking arrivals from Islamic nations – only to discover something shocking. The US president had been destroyed. Completely destroyed. And not just once but repeatedly. It was all there, as clear as day, in headline after headline: “JK Rowling destroys Trump in one sentence.” – Raw Story, December 8 2015 “Sanders destroys Trump by 13 points.” – The Hill, December 22 2015 “Donald Trump destroyed by Stephen Colbert.” – YouTube, January 30 2016 ..... June was a particularly active month for Trump, who was destroyed five times by Clinton and...
  • Stats on Obama Years Unflattering [semi-satire]

    01/31/2017 6:35:33 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Two recent statistics on the performance of the outgoing Obama Administration do not reflect well on his time in office. On the one hand, the Obama years were the only presidential term going all the way back to FDR that failed to meet a 3% GDP annual growth rate for any year of his eight in office. Even the “malaise” of the Carter years did better. So too, did the Great Depression years of FDR’s 12-years at the helm. Despite the media’s portrayal of Obama as “one of the all-time greats,” in the Gallup poll of job approval ratings of...
  • Women's March Organizer Advocates Sharia Law for US [semi-satire]

    01/30/2017 12:17:20 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Profanity-laced screeching by entertainment luminaries, such as Ashley Judd's complaints about how unfair menstruation is to women and Madonna's musing about blowing up the White House, grabbed some headlines this week. However, it may be more disturbing that the march's organizer Linda Sarsour's long-term goal is to bring sharia law to America. "The benefits of sharia law don't get a fair airing in America," Sarsour complained. "A narrow-minded focus on the beatings for disobeying a husband, father, or brother overlooks more important advantages like interest-free loans. What are a few welts and bruises compared to saving thousands of dollars on...
  • Mexican President Vows to Protect Illegals Living in the US [semi-satire]

    01/28/2017 8:29:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Irate that US President Donald Trump “is upending the convivial relationship our two countries enjoyed while Obama held the presidency,” Mexican President Enrique Peńa Nieto vowed “to do everything in my power to protect the rights of Mexican nationals living in the United States.” Peńa rejected accusations that his stance was hypocritical given Mexico’s harsh treatment of illegal immigrants in his country. “Mexico has a right and an obligation to protect our resources from being consumed by those who have no right to be here,” Peńa insisted. “We are a poor country with too many mouths to feed. The United...
  • Evidence Supporting Trump Impeachment Building [semi-satire]

    01/27/2017 10:25:10 PM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    A mounting stream of outrages supporting a case for impeaching President Trump has infested the news this week. Elliott G. Holliday, a 20-year-old junior at North Carolina State University found a box of fried chicken on the hood of his car. "This affront occurred barely two days after the inauguration," Holliday said. "The climate of race hatred encouraged by Trump must be answered by his immediate impeachment." During the inauguration protest rioters smashed the windows of a limo owned by Muslim entrepreneur Muhammad Ashraf. Window smasher Joshua Doltson blamed "Trump's culture of bigotry for driving me to inadvertently harm a...
  • Free Speech Suppressed at Marquette University [semi-satire]

    01/25/2017 10:38:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Professor John McAdams has been suspended for the past two years for questioning a colleague's suppression of free speech in his classroom. Marquette President Michael Lovell is adamant that "McAdams will not be reinstated until he confesses his error and apologizes for deviating from correct thought." The whole mess started in 2014 when McAdams posted his concern on his own blog that his colleague's policy forbidding students from disagreeing that gay marriage was a "good thing." "Informed opinion has determined that gay marriage is appropriate," Lovell argued. "We cannot abide a member of our university's teaching staff undermining this truth...
  • Illegal Alien Sues San Francisco [semi-satire]

    01/24/2017 11:40:02 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Pedro Figueroa Zarceno has filed a lawsuit against the City of San Francisco for violating its illegal “sanctuary city” ordinance by turning him over to U.S. immigration authorities after he reported his car stolen. “They have violated the rights their law said I had,” he complained. John Cote, a spokesman for the San Francisco city attorney, defended the City, saying that “the sanctuary is intended to shield immigrants who have been charged with crimes, not those who are the victims of crimes. The fact that Mr. Figueroa owned an automobile indicates that he was trying to hop onto America’s ‘capitalist...
  • Obama Says Fox News, Rush Limbaugh Ruined His Presidency [semi-satire]

    01/24/2017 9:17:32 AM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    In an interview with Lester Holt on NBC’s Dateline, President Obama blamed right wing media for “ruining my presidency. All the respectable sources saw the greatness I brought to the office. They were able to put the inevitable glitches into perspective and did not dwell upon them. This was not the case with those media that were out of step with their peers. Every misplaced dollar, every casualty overseas or domestically was mercilessly scrutinized and second-guessed by Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.” “When the choir doesn’t all sing from the same hymnal a cacophony of noise drowns out the positive...
  • THIS IS THE POLITICAL SATIRE THAT FINALLY STOPS TRUMP

    01/23/2017 8:23:39 PM PST · by OddLane · 50 replies
    McSweeney's ^ | January 23, 2017 | Jeff Loveness
    I’ve done it. After every failure by the political establishment, journalists, activists, concerned citizens, and media empires, I am pleased to announce that I have brought an end to the terror of President Trump by utilizing the greatest power of all: Comedy. It wasn’t easy. But heroism rarely is, and destiny never calls at a time of our choosing. So, at 12:34 AM, after reading one of his tweets, I take up the pen of justice. I channel the spirit of Voltaire, Twain, and Swift. I hold the mirror to society. I Photoshop Trump’s face onto Jabba The Hutt. I...
  • The Media Strikes Back at Trump [semi-satire]

    01/22/2017 3:36:55 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Stung by the network’s public humiliation as “fake news” by Donald Trump in last week’s press conference, CNN’s top executive, Jeff Zucker, vowed to strike back. “What Trump failed to consider is that cutting us off from direct access doesn’t affect our ability to shape how viewers will perceive him,” Zucker pointed out. “As he should know by now, his actual words and deeds pose no constraint on our reporting. And even though our audience share may be shrinking overall, we still dominate in public venues like airports and gyms. Further, there’s only one television network that is seen in...
  • Sanders Says American Poor Worse off than Poor Anywhere Else [semi-satire]

    01/22/2017 10:05:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Despite the fact that the living standards of those in poverty in the United States exceed the standards of the middle class in most countries, recent Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders tweeted that "America's record is worse than virtually any other country on Earth." "A lot of people have been bad-mouthing Venezuela because of shortages of essentials and their high cost," Sanders said. "But the people are united by their equality. No one is allowed to hoard more than his fair share. And say what you will about Stalin's Soviet Union, but there everyone was guaranteed a job. Even...
  • Why Trump Won't Have To Worry About Protestors At The Inauguration (Trump Tweet)

    01/19/2017 5:38:26 PM PST · by grey_whiskers · 40 replies
    Twitter via Gab.ai ^ | Jan 19 2017 | Donald J Trump
  • Obama's Fabulous Farewell Fantasy [semi-satire]

    01/16/2017 9:38:19 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    In the midst of his lengthy farewell address, outgoing President Barack Obama averred that "one of my proudest accomplishments has been that there have been no Islamic terror attacks on my watch." A key to this accomplishment has been the clever reclassification of murders committed by self-professed jihadis as "other types of crimes." The murder of 13 unarmed soldiers at Fort Hood in Texas in November 2009 by a Muslim praising Allah during the shooting spree was characterized as "workplace violence" by the Obama Administration. The detonation of a bomb killing three and maiming dozens at the Boston Marathon by...
  • Fake Scandal Fails to Take Down Trump [semi-satire]

    01/15/2017 10:24:07 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    A bogus dossier alleging that Donald Trump paid Russian prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed in Moscow has not had the impact that Trump’s enemies had hoped. The scheme hatched by CNN came unraveled when the Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper denied that the salacious document was prepared by any member of the U.S. Intelligence Community. Despite the lack of any evidence to support the mystery dossier’s claims, CNN went public with “news of” the “existence” of such a report hoping to insinuate enough dirt to damage the incoming administration while preserving its “journalistic integrity” by not actually...
  • Celeb Calls for Military Coupe to Avert Trump Presidency [semi-satire]

    01/14/2017 1:09:33 PM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Comedian/actor Rosie O'Donnell urged President Obama to order military rule "to prevent the inevitable tyranny Donald Trump will impose on America." O'Donnell's panic takes her long-running public feud with Trump over the edge into total madness. "A person who has shown no respect for me or the other members of the entertainment world has no business being the president of our country," she argued. "Sane Americans revere us for all we do to entertain and educate them. That Donald Trump doesn't is a slap-in-the-face to all the fans who pay to see us perform. He has insulted us all and,...
  • Obama Orders Cuban Escapees Sent Back [semi-satire]

    01/14/2017 9:22:14 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    In his last week before leaving office, President Barack Obama overturned a 50-year US Government policy of allowing Cuban refugees who reach our shores to remain in the country. In contrast to the "dreamers" that Obama has declared must not be sent back to Mexico even though they entered the United States illegally, Cubans arriving without visas will be expelled. "Refugees from Mexico have a legitimate reason for coming to America," Obama said. "Their country's economy isn't providing sufficient jobs or benefits to support their survival. Cubans don't face this kind of hardship. Their government is dedicated to ensuring social...
  • DOJ Inspector General to Probe FBI [semi-satire]

    01/13/2017 6:15:33 PM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Department of Justice Inspector General Michael Horowitz announced "an in-depth probe of the strange pre-election day behavior of FBI Director James Comey. Despite the Attorney General's clear wishes that there be no investigation or prosecution of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Comey, who is subordinate to the AG, took it upon himself to issue a public statement announcing a reopening of such an investigation barely a week before the election. This insubordination had the effect of undermining Mrs. Clinton's campaign." "Everyone thought the message had gotten through to Comey when the FBI was denied subpoena powers to compel testimony,"...
  • Vince McMahon to perform “Stand Back” at Trump inauguration (SATIRE)

    01/11/2017 7:36:44 AM PST · by Ciaphas Cain · 10 replies
    Kayfabe News ^ | January 10, 20-7
    United States President-Elect Donald Trump announced via Twitter this morning that his Jan. 20 inauguration will feature WWE mogul Vince McMahon performing his 1987 smash-hit “Stand Back.” Although McMahon has not performed the song live since the 37th Annual Slammy Awards in 1987, he agreed to sing it in Washington because his wife Linda, an appointee of the Trump administration, told him to. The song is ostensibly a tribute to the late Andre the Giant, but Trump tweeted that it is “really about being a winner, and believe me, I’m a winner, bigly.” According to Washington insiders, the performance will...
  • Senator Has Concerns About Education Nominee [semi-satire]

    01/09/2017 9:27:11 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA), ranking Democrat on the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee expressed doubts about the fitness of President-Elect Donald Trump's nominee for Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos. "I appreciate that Ms. DeVos took the time to meet with me, I can't say that I would have done the same had our roles been reversed," Murray declared. "At our meeting she did nothing to allay my fears that she would continue to be an advocate for school choice. This pernicious ideology is founded on the absurd premise that individual parents ought to have the biggest say in...
  • Senator Warns Trump [semi-satire]

    01/08/2017 9:29:47 PM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) warned President-Elect Donald Trump that "he's entering dangerous waters when he criticizes our intelligence community. Has he forgotten that the CIA has toppled dozens of governments around the world? Has he forgotten what they did to President Kennedy after he vowed to break up the Agency following the Bay of Pigs fiasco?" "I have my differences with Donald, but I wouldn't want to see him get his head blown off," Schumer said. "He needs to accept that there are limits to what he can do when he deals with these trained assassins." if you...
  • Precious Moments Releases Limited-Edition Figurines Depicting Violent Conquest Of Canaan

    01/08/2017 5:45:52 PM PST · by Gamecock · 103 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 1/6/2016
    CARTHAGE, MO—The popular line of cutesy Precious Moments figurines is getting a long-awaited addition with an upcoming “Conquest of Canaan” series of collectibles, sources confirmed Friday. The figures will include iconic events from the momentous time in Israel’s history, including the circumcision of all Jewish males encamped at Gilgal, the slaughter of the wicked inhabitants of Jericho, and the stoning of the deceitful pillager Achan. “We wanted to depict some of the bloody, violent bits of the Bible in an adorable way,” a Precious Moments representative said as she showed off a collectible set of the five corpses of the...
  • Senate Rejects Dem Proposal to Require 60 Votes to Repeal Obamacare [semi-satire]

    01/08/2017 10:02:40 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    A move by Democrats to reestablish a rule that would require a minimum of 60 votes for any legislation to pass the Senate was repulsed by a 52-48 straight party line vote. Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, recent vice-presidential running mate of Hillary Clinton, sponsored the 60 vote requirement and called the GOP's stance against it "unfair. For decades it had been the tradition in the Senate to permit the minority party to block legislation that couldn't obtain a super majority. Now just because former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) eliminated this tradition when Democrats held the majority in the...
  • Kerry Mocks Peace-Mongers Abroad and at Home [semi-satire]

    01/07/2017 8:38:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry blamed former United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron and British members of parliament for thwarting President Obama’s plan to intervene in the Syrian civil war and confront the Russians. “When the President of the United States has decided for war you’d think our so-called allies would stand with us,” Kerry asserted. “However, a gutless Prime Minister Cameron insisted on getting his parliament’s approval before joining us in an attack. Well, parliament wouldn’t go along. President Obama was so miffed at this betrayal that he called the whole thing off. In hindsight, he probably should...
  • Assange Mocks Podesta [semi-satire]

    01/06/2017 10:40:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    The Wikileaks publication of a raft of embarrassing emails hacked from Clinton Campaign Chairman John Podesta may have undermined Hillary's chances to be elected president. For his part, Podesta has complained loudly about presumed Russian involvement, claiming that "intelligence sources say only the Russians have the kind of sophisticated techniques required." Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks, refuted Podesta's claim saying that "a fourteen-year-old could've hacked Podesta's email account. His password was 'password.' His email could hardly have been less secure." Podesta labeled Assange's assertion "grossly misleading. My password wasn't 'password.' It was 'passw0rd' with a zero. The chance that some...
  • Man Tortured in Anti-Trump Protest [semi-satire]

    01/06/2017 7:09:56 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    An 18-year-old mentally challenged man was tortured for two days by Black Lives Matter-inspired criminals as "a protest against the racist Trump Administration." Four Chicago millenials—Jordan Hill, 18, Tesfaye Cooper, 18, Brittany Covington, 18, and Tanishia Covington, 24 beat, kicked, burned, and cut their victim while shouting "f*** Trump" and "f*** white people." Members of the leftist media at CNN and NBC were hesitant to judge the perpetrators too harshly. NBC News correspondent Ron Mott said "this incident strikes me as an example of youthful stupidity rather than a crime, per se. They posted a video of their interactions with...
  • The Last Party (satire)

    01/04/2017 6:33:40 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    1/4/17 | RetiredTexasVet
    The last party of the Obama Administration at the White House will be on the 17th of January 2017 with a wide variety of Hollywood, sports, entertainment, MSM, political, and other self-important elites. The idea for "The Last Party" came out of a statement by Moo in her interview with Oprah. Moo whined that since Trump had won the election, she knew what it was like to "have no hope". Oprah, thinking that the VP, Slow Joe Biden was part of the staff, ordered him to round up all the "H", "O", "P", and "E" keys from all the computers...
  • Culture In Which All Truth Is Relative Suddenly Concerned About Fake News (Babylon Bee)

    01/03/2017 9:53:44 PM PST · by Ciaphas Cain · 10 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 3rd, 2017
    U.S.—Sources from within the United States confirmed Tuesday that American society, while typically rejecting concepts like absolute truth and objective moral standards, is suddenly showing grave concern for the rise of fabricated news stories after a reported uptick in fake news during the recent election season. One Oregon man, who rejects the idea that humanity can even be sure the universe exists in any meaningful sense, was nonetheless disturbed by the idea that websites could publish completely false information, for anyone in the world to read. “It’s just absolutely wrong, in my opinion,” said the man who doesn’t believe in...
  • Obama Blames Russia for Exposing Anti-Israel Move [semi-satire]

    01/02/2017 6:16:05 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    With a rash of news stories popping up contradicting the Obama Administration's denial that the recent UN vote against Israeli settlements was, in fact, organized and led by Administration officials, President Obama charged the Russians with "once again exposing communications that were intended to remain private." One of these "private communications" entailed Secretary of State John Kerry's meeting with senior Palestinian diplomat Saeb Erekat to coordinate strategy for advancing the UN censure of Israel. Another was Vice President Joe Biden's phone call pressuring Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko to vote for the censure. "The revelation of official matters intended to remain...
  • Breaking: Rolling Stones Guitarist Keith Richards Found Still Alive!!! (satire but true)

    12/28/2016 5:01:29 AM PST · by God luvs America · 44 replies
    New Roman Times ^ | 12/27/2017
    WESTON – In a startling development for the Rock n Roll community, world famous Rolling Stones guitarist and songwriter Keith Richards was found alive on Wednesday. Crew members said they found his animated body sitting beside an amp, picking at a guitar and murmuring some incomprehensible melody. Shocked but elated, the roadies took Richards back to the dressing rooms and covered his old broken body with designer scarves and skull rings. “It’s astounding” said longtime Rolling Stones roadie Steve Kruger, “to find him in this state is…well, it’s unexpected to say the least.” Richards, the grizzly-faced guitarist long thought to...
  • Obama - A Turd In The Punch Bowl (satire)

    12/27/2016 6:16:56 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    12/27/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    As His Arrogance will soon leave office he had stated that he would stay in the DC area so his daughter could finish high school. In keeping with his past of psychopathic lying and deception, he will really remain in the DC area to form a group of whiny Progressive b!tches to oppose Trump. Previously, we had Carter periodically escape the attendants and offer the comments of a witless anti-Semitic fool on things which he had no understanding. Slick Willy, was at home banging bimbos until Benghazi ran for president. But Slick was so addled and ate up with syphilis...
  • 40 Percent of Young Adults Living with Parents/Grandparents [semi-satire]

    12/26/2016 3:16:00 PM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The number of millennials who have not moved out of their parents or grandparents homes has climbed to a 75-year high of 40 percent. The high-water mark for young people “failing to launch” was set during the Great Depression. Its duplication after eight years of Obama Administration policies is seen by some as a poor legacy for the outgoing chief executive. One who doesn’t see it that way is President Obama. “The Republicans do a lot of talking about family values, but it has been my policies that have brought succeeding generations under the same roof,” he boasted. “The whole...
  • Actress Recants Abortion Wish [semi-satire]

    12/26/2016 9:17:22 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    After expressing regrets that she had never had the opportunity to get an abortion, Lena Dunham, actress and producer of the pornographic HBO show “Girls,” recanted, saying that “while the experience of getting an abortion seemed magical, it dawned on me that a prerequisite would have to be having sex with a man or having some guy’s icky ‘juice’ squirted into me at a clinic. In retrospect, I realized that this would be too high of a price to pay for me to join the ranks of the brave women who have undergone this life-defining procedure. if you missed any...
  • France to Prosecute Historian for "Hate Speech" [semi-satire]

    12/24/2016 5:52:47 PM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Morocco-born French-Jewish scholar Georges Bensoussan has been ordered to appear before a Paris court to answer criminal charges levied against him by the Collective Against Islamophobia in France. The allegation is that Bensoussan's writings on the history of anti-Semitism in lands governed by Muslims "incites racial hatred." CAIF spokesman Massakir Heebes declared that "the attempt to promulgate anti-Muslim hatred under the guise of scholarship must not be permitted. The contention that the mistreatment of Jews depicted by Bensoussan is a historical fact is irrelevant. The Quran commands the oppression of unbelievers who pay the jizya and the slaying of those...
  • Ivanka Trump Harassed [semi-satire]

    12/24/2016 8:50:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    On-Board a JetBlue plane at JFK Airport in New York City for a planned family vacation in Hawaii, Donald Trump's eldest daughter Ivanka was accosted by another passenger Dan Goldstein, a Brooklyn lawyer. Goldstein's harangue charged Donald Trump with "ruining the country" and Ivanka with "ruining our flight." The "our" referred to his husband Matthew Lasner and their son. Goldstein contended that "people like Trump and his 'spawn' have no business inserting themselves among those who don't want them anywhere near us. She and her kids are a terrifying reminder that the Trump pall could plague the country for generations....
  • Berlin Terror Attack Inspires Action [semi-satire]

    12/23/2016 2:53:23 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Last Monday's assault by semi-truck that killed a dozen Christmas shoppers at an outdoor market in Berlin has inspired European governments to swoop into action. In Germany, the Merkel regime is desperately denying that the country's open-borders policy toward Islamic immigration, including a conscious policy of converting many refugees into truck drivers by easing licensing requirements, might be an enabling factor in the spate of social outrages, rising crime rate, and now mass murder by lone wolf jihadi Anus Amri at the Berlin market. Chancellor Angela Merkel attributed the offenses committed by Muslim refugees to "widespread Islamophobia among Germans unused...