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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • President Says ISIS Camp in Mexico Vindicates His Amnesty Policy [semi-satire]

    04/18/2015 1:29:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama says that evidence that the Islamic State has opened a training camp in Mexico, just a few miles from El Paso on the Texas border, vindicates his decision to grant expedited amnesty to illegal immigrants from Latin America. "We've all seen the atrocities these terrorists are capable of," the President observed. "Who can blame Mexicans for fleeing? To deny these refugees sanctuary would be inhumane. To deport them would be cruel and unusual punishment. To delay their integration into our society merely on the grounds that Congress has failed to enact the necessary legislation would be barbaric." Obama...
  • White House “Gender Neutral” Restroom “Not Good Enough” [semi-satire]

    04/14/2015 10:01:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama administration’s efforts to earn gratitude from the gay lobby by adding a “gender neutral” restroom to the White House came up short. Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender spokesperson Irma Crank called the move “not good enough. Every bathroom in every home in America is ‘gender neutral.’ Many businesses already have ‘family restrooms’ that can be used by either gender. The Administration’s attempt to curry favor with such a lame and wishy-washy measure is an insult. Frankly, we expected more from this President.” The “more” expected by Crank “is the right of any person to use any facility—men’s room, ladies room—based on their...
  • Administration Brushes Off Russian Hackers [semi-satire]

    04/13/2015 9:53:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Evidence that Russian computer hackers penetrated security at the White House and State Department was brushed aside by National Security Council spokesman Mark Stroh. “Since the Administration has no hostile designs on Russia we don’t consider their gaining access to confidential correspondence at the State Department or White House a threat to our security,” Stroh maintained. “In a way, this could be a good thing. They will see that we bear them no ill will. That could open up new avenues for better relations between our two countries.” “It would be far more worrisome if our correspondence had been illicitly...
  • President Chastises “Less than Loving” Christians [semi-satire]

    04/12/2015 10:26:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama took the occasion of Easter Sunday to chastise Christians for being “less than loving.” “Over the past few months alone we’ve seen so-called Christians refuse to take photographs and bake cakes for gay weddings,” the President lamented. “This directly contradict’s Jesus’ admonition to ‘judge not lest ye be judged.’” Obama rejected the idea that Christians might have legitimate religious objections to social policies with which they disagree. “Jesus bade his followers to turn the other cheek if they are offended,” he reminded. “Jesus allowed himself to be crucified rather than fight back against those who wronged him. Shouldn’t...
  • Iranian Ayatollah Calls Obama “Lying Devil” [semi-satire]

    04/11/2015 9:07:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Ayatollah Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, characterized US President Barack Obama’s statements about the agreement negotiated between the two countries as “deceptive” and evidence of “devilish” intentions. “Obama’s assertion that Iran has agreed to ramp down its pursuit of nuclear weapons in exchange for a phasing out of economic sanctions is a lie,” Khamenei said. “What we have agreed to is this. First, all sanctions must be immediately ended. Once this happens we agree to refrain from engaging in any nuclear attacks until, in our judgment, circumstances for a favorable outcome warrant it. Most likely, circumstances won’t be favorable for at...
  • Work Requirement Pares Maine Food Stamp Recipients [semi-satire]

    04/10/2015 7:41:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Enforcement of a work requirement by Republican Governor Paul LePage's administration has led to 9,000 former recipients being declared ineligible to receive food stamps. Under the work requirement, able-bodied food stamp recipients were asked to put in 20 hours of work per week or 24 hours of volunteer services per month. State Rep. Scott Hamann (D-South Portland) called the work requirement "inhumane" and compared it to "indentured servitude." "The Governor is taking the state out of the mainstream," Hamann argued. "Other states have sought an exemption from the work requirement, but LePage is charting a course that sends a message...
  • Nation Hopeful There Will Be Equally Random Chance Of Justice For Future Victims Of Police Abuse

    04/09/2015 8:39:28 PM PDT · by MinorityRepublican · 3 replies
    The Onion | 4/9/2015
    Link only
  • Lincoln's portrait removed for picture of the first dogs

    04/09/2015 12:56:32 PM PDT · by Lucky9teen · 45 replies
    WASHINGTON - In a announcement from the White House today the portrait of the sixteenth president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, was removed from its location in favor of an image of the Obama's Portuguese Water Dogs Sunny and Bo. The decision was made by The First Lady Michelle Obama, who was not shy in explaining why she had the portrait removed. "It just always bothered me every single time I walked by it. It looks like some creepy old malnourished white guy with sunken cheeks and bad posture. That's nothing to be proud of, and honestly it sets...
  • Glock to Release Long-awaited Single Stack 9x18mm Makarov Glock 47

    04/09/2015 10:31:28 AM PDT · by envisio · 43 replies
    outdoor hub ^ | 4/1/15 | OutdoorHub Reporters
    Not wanting to let their momentum machine lose any steam after the announcement of the single-stack, 9x19mm Glock 43, the Austrian wondergun manufacturer has unveiled an even more exciting pistol: the 9x18mm Makarov Glock 47. “While the Glock 43 will certainly fulfill some users’ needs for an ultra-compact, reliable, and capable pistol,” said company representative Grigory Otrepyev, “a 9x18mm Makarov model will appeal to a broader and more discerning market.” The Soviet-designed 9x18mm cartridge is well-known for its ability to defeat soft body armor and transfer a significant amount of energy to its target, making it a far superior choice...
  • BREAKING - Video of Harry Reid's Exercise Accident released

    04/08/2015 10:29:50 AM PDT · by tcrlaf · 16 replies
    Youtube ^ | 4-8-2015 | TCRLAF
    Language warning....
  • Rising Sales of US Constitution Put Department of Homeland Security on Alert [semi-satire]

    04/07/2015 8:56:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 April 2015 | John Semmens
    A surge of book sales that pushed the US Constitution into the top ten best seller list of the Conservative Book Club has caused federal officials to put the Department of Homeland Security on "full alert." "This is just the type of abnormal behavior that should trigger a high state of vigilance," Secretary Jeh Johnson declared. "We expect a few loud-mouthed right-wing politicians to repeatedly harp on whether some action taken by the government is constitutional. But we can't afford to overlook tens of thousands of ordinary citizens reading such seditious literature." "Outside of some historical interest, we can see...
  • IRS Chief Scoffs at Idea Agency Could Be Abolished [semi-satire]

    04/06/2015 11:44:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 April 2015 | John Semmens
    IRS commissioner John Koskinen laughed at the idea that Congress could abolish the IRS. "The Tea Party types may have wet dreams over the prospect of eliminating the IRS, but it's not going to happen," Koskinen gibed. "Too many congressmen on both sides of the aisle want the funds our agency extracts from taxpayers. One of the big attractions to holding office is the ability to dole out money to favored constituents. Hampering the IRS in any way would put a kink in that pipeline." "The main gripe average people have with our agency is the complexity of the tax...
  • White House Declares April “Earth Month”

    04/05/2015 8:20:51 AM PDT · by PROCON · 10 replies
    drroyspencer.com ^ | April 1, 2015 | Roy W. Spencer, Ph. D.
    After Saturday night’s unprecedented success with Earth Hour, the White House announced today that, by Executive Order, April has been declared “Earth Month”, the next step in reducing our dependence on fossil fuels. For the month of April, U.S. residents and businesses are being required to turn off all electrical appliances and lights. A special waiver is being given to electric cars and homes running entirely on solar-powered electricity. Compliance will be monitored by volunteers who report infractions to a special EPA hotline. White House press secretary Josh Earnestly stated, “The President’s science advisor has informed us that the...
  • Judge Orders State to Cut Inmate’s Balls Off [semi-satire]

    04/04/2015 9:57:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 April 2015 | John Semmens
    US District Judge Jon Tigar ordered California’s Corrections Department to surgically remove a prisoner’s testicles. The $100,000 surgery would be performed on convicted murderer Jeffrey Bryan Norsworthy—enabling Michelle-Lael Norsworthy to emerge from 51 years of incarceration within the wrong body. The surgery is expected to be the first step in Norsworthy’s eventual release from Mule Creek State Prison in Ione. “For too long this unfortunate woman has been trapped within the body of a monster,” Tigar said. “She was forced to watch helplessly while Jeffrey murdered a person whose name no one can remember. Making Michelle endure the life sentence...
  • Kerry Disputes Comparisons Between Iran Deal and 1938 Munich Agreement [semi-satire]

    04/04/2015 12:18:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 April 2015 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry bristled under comparisons of the recently announced deal with Iran to 1938's agreement between Britain's Neville Chamberlain and Germany's Adolf Hitler over the Sudetenland. Though Chamberlain proclaimed the agreement as assuring "peace for our time," World War II erupted only a year later. "There are just too many differences to make the comparison apt," Kerry claimed. "Hitler threatened to invade Czechoslovakia if his demands weren't met. Iran isn't threatening to invade anyone. Hitler had already invaded Austria. Iran hasn't invaded anyone. Iranian troops in Iraq are there by invitation to fight against ISIL." "There's...
  • Federal Lawsuit Filed Against Local Brothel for Discrimination SATIRE

    04/03/2015 1:14:13 PM PDT · by P-Marlowe · 9 replies
    Satire. Made up. Fake News. | 4/3/15 | P-Marlowe
    Sparks NV A local brothel, the Pinto Ranch, has been slapped with a multi million dollar lawsuit alleging sexual discrimination when a cross dressing lesbian was denied services by one of the prostitutes based on both her sex and her sexual orientation. Gloria Almostred, the attorney for Ima Bulldyke, filed the suit after her client was denied services by former prostitute, Ido Menonly, who refused to provide professional services to Ms. Bulldyke, after discovering that her client was a lesbian. Ms. Menonly was reported to have asked Ms. Bulldyke to leave after she had undressed and that Ms. Menonly complained...
  • President Says Critics Overreacting to Iran’s “Death to America” Rhetoric [semi-satire]

    04/02/2015 9:25:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama insists that Iran’s “death to America” rhetoric is nothing to get worked up about. “First of all, it’s just a slogan—like Burger King’s ‘have it your way,'” Obama argued. “It doesn’t really mean anything.” “Second, it’s not all that negative,” the President continued. “In Islam’s theology, death is the gateway to paradise. For the devout Muslim, hastening the entry into paradise is much to be desired. Granted, unbelievers face eternal torment, but that could easily be remedied by submitting to Allah’s will. So, it is only Americans’ refusal to heed Mohammed’s message that casts an unpleasant pall over...
  • Can Grasshopper Farts REALLY Drive Climate Change?

    04/01/2015 1:54:31 PM PDT · by Citizen Zed · 34 replies
    Nature World News ^ | 4-1-2015 | Brian Stallard
    Passing gas: it's a natural part of bodily function, and not one that's ever associated with doomsday scenarios. However, experts are finding that invasive insects are pumping out more gas than usual, helping facilitate warming in places that otherwise couldn't support them. Growing up to four inches (10 cm) in length, the vagrant grasshopper (Schistocerca nitens), also known as the gray bird grasshopper, is a pretty big bug. It should be no surprise, then, that it can pass some pretty impressive gas. "Fart jokes aside, this thing is practically a smokestack," Arnulf Fälschung, a Swiss entomologist currently working with the...
  • Lefty Celebrities Rosie O’Donnell, Michael Moore Announce Joint Venture

    04/01/2015 11:56:17 AM PDT · by drewh · 28 replies
    Newsbusters ^ | APRIL 1, 2015
    In the most surprising news of the year so far concerning liberal celebrities, the New York Times reported in its Wednesday editions that Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell have more than ideological synchronicity. They are now expecting their first child together. As befits the leftist agenda of the Times, reporter Amanda Portcullis, who interviewed Moore and O’Donnell for the story, presented the developments in a highly positive light. She quoted no one who criticized Moore’s anti-business, anti-conservative movies, nor did she allow anyone to state an opposing view to O’Donnell’s 9/11 “trutherism” and hostility to gun rights. The article revealed...
  • Congressman Faces Backlash over Cruz Comments satire

    04/01/2015 9:51:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    After calling newly announced GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz a “big mouth” and a “failure,” Rep Peter King (R-NY) was shocked to receive feedback in-kind from Cruz supporters. “People have been phoning my office belittling my accomplishments and asserting that I am all talk,” King complained. “This is disrespectful. No member of Government should have to put up with such abuse.” King rebutted assertions that his inelegant way of expressing his disagreement with Sen. Cruz may have invited equally inelegant retorts. “I am a member of Congress, the Constitution explicitly protects my right to speak on any matter without...
  • DOJ creates new police shooting qualification target standard

    04/01/2015 7:29:12 AM PDT · by Malone LaVeigh · 18 replies
    Call The Cops ^ | 4/1/15 | RJ
    The US Department of Justice has just unveiled the new official target to be used for all US Police officer firearms qualification shoots. This new target is being heralded by both Pro-Police and Anti-Police groups as a first step to making the public trust Law Enforcement again.
  • Clinton Wipes Server, Cites Right Against Self-Incrimination [semi-satire]

    03/31/2015 9:10:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    In what her backers are calling the “perfect checkmate” move, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has sought to blunt all further inquiries into her activities while at the Department of State by completely reformatting the server used for her email correspondence while she was in office. “Those who are trying to prove that I’m guilty of violating the law will have to do it without access to documents formerly on my own private server,” Clinton announced. “They may grouse that since I used this server for all my official correspondence as Secretary of State that I had no right...
  • Mayor Suggests that Chicago Airports Be Renamed [semi-satire]

    03/30/2015 8:42:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    In an unexpectedly difficult reelection campaign, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel sought to rally support by promising to rename the City’s two airports in honor of President and Michelle Obama. The two airports are currently named in honor of World War II Navy pilot Edward “Butch” O’Hare and the 1942 Battle of Midway—an upset US victory over Japan that many historians view as the turning point of the war in the Pacific. “I don’t mean to denigrate these earlier historic events, but they pale in significance to the impact that President Obama has had on this country,” Emanuel explained. “O’Hare was...
  • UN Human Rights Official Says Islamic State More Open to Diversity than West SATIRE

    03/29/2015 10:47:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    UN human rights chief Zeid Raad al-Hussein told the Security Council that “the Islamic State is more accepting of ethnic diversity than the western governments that are making war on them.” “Islam is open to persons of every race, color, or ethnicity,” Zeid pointed out. “It doesn’t matter if a person is black or white. As long as he accepts Allah as his master he can be a full member of the umma. This stands in contrast to a long history in which western governments have oppressed and even enslaved persons because of the color of their skin.” In support...
  • Bergdahl Didn't Desert, Lawyer Says [semi-satire]

    03/28/2015 8:55:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    While the Army has decided to charge Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and "misbehaving before the enemy," his lawyer, Eugene Fidell, contends that Bergdahl never intended to desert. "Sgt Bergdahl had serious concerns about the lack of discipline in his unit," Fidell contended. "Rather than engaging in idle griping, he took the initiative to try to resolve the problem by conducting an independent inspection of the standards and practices of the Taliban. It was his hope that what he learned could help reform the way US troops behaved while in the field." "His plan was thwarted when the Taliban refused...
  • Administration Reveals Secret Israeli Nuclear Weapons Program [semi-satire]

    03/28/2015 12:34:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has declassified a top secret file disclosing the details of Israel's nuclear weapons program. Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the move as "payback for Netanyahu's deviation from the path laid out for Israel by President Obama. People have got to learn that their actions have consequences. When you defy the world's most powerful man you can't expect to get away unscathed." Earnest also argued that "it may help level the playing field in the Middle East. Even without nuclear weapons Israel has consistently defeated efforts to annihilate it. By publicly releasing this previously secret information the President...
  • (Satire): FBI Admits All Registered Motorcycle Owners Are On Classified Gang List

    03/27/2015 9:11:07 AM PDT · by Baynative · 102 replies
    WaPo ^ | 2/26/15 | N/A
    MSNBC correspondent Jeremy Lancaster sat down with government official Darrin Cornia to discuss recent rumors that have been in circulation in regard to registered motorcycle owners being placed on a classified FBI gang list. After a few moments of introduction, Lancaster bluntly asked the following question,” Mr. Cornia, if I were to make the statement, all registered motorcycle owners are currently showing on a classified FBI gang list, would the statement be true or false? Cornia responded by saying, “That would be a true statement, the FBI has been collecting and compiling Department of Motor Vehicles and Drivers License Division...
  • [Satire Vanity]: New Policies at Barrack Hussein Obama International Airport

    03/26/2015 6:26:55 AM PDT · by The_Media_never_lie · 25 replies
    self | March 26, 2015 | self
    If Rahm Emmanuel gets his wish and O'hare or Midway airports are renamed in honor of President Obama, what will be the policies of the new airport?
  • GOP Urged Not to Lose Sleep Over Possible Executive Tax Hikes [semi-satire]

    03/25/2015 10:32:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised Republicans “not to lose any sleep over the president using his executive power to raise taxes. First, it hasn’t happened yet. So why fret about something that may not occur?” “Second, and even more important, if the president does decide to raise taxes there’s nothing anybody can do to stop him,” Earnest added. “The Internal Revenue Service is subordinate to his authority. If he orders them to increase the government’s take from taxpayers they will unhesitatingly obey. They most certainly won’t be swayed by anything any member of Congress or the courts might say or...
  • Democrats Torpedo Human Trafficking Bill [semi-satire]

    03/24/2015 3:29:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Legislation aimed at deterring human trafficking (kidnapping people and selling them into slavery—especially as prostitutes) was stifled by a Democratic filibuster in the US Senate this week. The offending clause in the bill, as Democrats see it, is language that would bar federal funds being used to fund abortions. Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) explained that “inasmuch as unwanted pregnancy is an even worse fate than being sold as a sex slave we cannot abide placing any limits on a woman’s right to an abortion. A sex slave merely has to endure occasional interludes of undesired intercourse. A woman denied an...
  • Obama: 'Hands-Up-Don't-Shoot' is our new foreign policy

    03/23/2015 12:17:08 PM PDT · by smoothsailing · 4 replies
    The Peoples Cube ^ | 3-23-2015 | Kommissar Brainiac
    March 23, 2015Obama: 'Hands-Up-Don't-Shoot' is our new foreign policy by Kommissar Brainiac The White House announced today that it is adopting an entirely new foreign policy, based on the "Hands-up-don't-shoot" movement that is gaining momentum with community organizations throughout the U.S. "If it works in the streets of America, if it is effective as our domestic strategy, it can work as foreign policy doctrine as well," President Obama said at a press conference Monday. "This may sound like a harsh measure, but we won't hesitate to use it when safety of all Americans is at stake," he added. It is...
  • ICE Releases Another 30,000 Illegal Alien Criminals [semi-satire]

    03/23/2015 8:49:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 March 2015 | John Semmens
    US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced that during 2014 it released another 30,000 illegal aliens with criminal records. This follows the 36,000 it released in 2013. The crimes for which these persons were responsible include homicide, sexual assault, kidnapping, aggravated assault and more than 16,000 incidents of drunk or drugged driving. The released individuals are now free to move about the country. In testimony before Congress, ICE Director Sarah Saldana characterized this action as “the best option we had available to us given the parameters established by President Obama. Is putting criminals back on the street bad? Yes, but...
  • Obama Threatens Israel [semi-satire]

    03/21/2015 12:10:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Stung by Israeli voters’ rejection of his wishes by their reelection of Prime Minister Netanyahu, US President Barack Obama ominously warned that he is weighing a change to America’s long-standing alliance with the Jewish state. “Israel is the ‘odd man out’ in the Middle East,” Obama told Netanyahu in a post-election phone call. “Six million Jews are pitted against a billion Muslims. Based on democratic principles of majority rule, I don’t see how we can continue to side with a tiny minority against the wishes of the vast majority who would like to see Israel eliminated.” “Maintaining an island of...
  • [Satire] Obama Exempts White House from Freedom of Information Act

    03/20/2015 9:21:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that "constant prying by the enemies of this Administration are impeding my ability to smoothly rule this country," President Obama issued a decree exempting the White House Office of Administration from further compliance with the requirements of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) spokesperson Anne Weismann characterized the move as "completely out of step with the President's supposed commitment to transparency." Office of Administration Director Beth Jones defended the move as "a necessary precaution against information falling into the wrong hands. This country is at war with reactionary elements who wouldn't...
  • Obama urges Netanyahu against ignoring billions who chose not to participate in elections

    03/20/2015 4:54:29 AM PDT · by orwell2112 · 33 replies
    Thoughtgrime ^ | March 20, 2015 | Sisyphus
    WASHINGTON (TG) — Frustrated and confused by the notion that a platform based on putting national interests first could win an election, President Obama issued a statement today warning Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu not to “assume he has a mandate just because he got more votes.” “Obviously, the Likud party had a good night. And they deserve credit for running good campaigns. Beyond that, I’ll leave it to all of you and the professional pundits to pick through yesterday’s results,” said Obama. “Still, as the U.S. president, I have a unique and global responsibility to try and make the...
  • Feds Fund “Diet Choker” Technology [semi-satire]

    03/18/2015 1:02:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    With the aid of a $148,000 federal grant, engineers at the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) have developed what they call a “diet choker.” The device is a necklace that detects what and when a person is eating. This information is then communicated by phone. Lead researcher Majid Sarrafzadeh called the device “a breakthrough for healthy eating. If it detects excessive quantities are consumed or poor food choices are made it can be programmed to call the person’s cell phone to remind them that their choice is an unhealthy one.” “If individuals prove insufficiently motivated to alter their behavior...
  • Driver’s Licenses for Illegals Leads to Abundance of Organ Donors [semi-satire]

    03/17/2015 11:53:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    The California Transplant Donor Network hailed California’s policy of granting driver’s licenses to persons in the country illegally for boosting organs available for transplant by an estimated 30 percent. Marcella Corona, community development liaison for the Transplant Donor Network, cited two factors she felt were “critical components of this good news. Obviously, by putting more drivers on the road there will be more potential crashes resulting in brain-dead victims—the prime source of organs for transplant. But the gains are likely to be even greater than mere numbers portend. On average, the driving skills of people from Latin America are decades...
  • Military To End Fat Shaming, Embrace Full-Bodied Warriors (Satire)

    03/17/2015 10:37:50 AM PDT · by Cry if I Wanna · 9 replies
    DuffleBlog ^ | March 15, 2015 | Bill Ashleigh
    THE PENTAGON – Plus-sized service-members everywhere are bursting at the seams with joy after Gen. Martin Dempsey announced Monday that “fat shaming” is the DoD’s newest target in the ongoing War on Hurt Feelings. “Tens of thousands of these brave men and women are already serving in secret,” Dempsey told journalists at a national press conference and hotdog-eating contest. “They are made to feel ashamed, forced to cheat on physical training tests, but now we are ready to give them their just desserts.”
  • Social Security Rolls Show 6.5 Million Centenarians SATIRE

    03/16/2015 9:19:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Although the worldwide population of persons older than 112 years of age is estimated to be only three dozen, an investigation by the inspector general revealed that the Social Security Administration (SSA) has active accounts for 6.5 million persons over that age. Obviously, there aren’t really 6.5 million persons that old living in America. Obviously, many recipients who have been long dead are regularly mailed benefits checks by SSA. Obviously, millions of identities have been stolen and are being used to rack up potential benefits. Sens. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) and Tom Carper (D-Del), who head the Senate committee that oversees...
  • Where's Putin? The Best Of The Memes (SATIRE ALERT)

    03/16/2015 3:47:20 AM PDT · by goldstategop · 4 replies
    BBC News ^ | 03/16/2015 | BBC News
    Russian President Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for nearly two weeks and the internet has responded to his vanishing act in the only way it knows how: memes.
  • Man starts church for jerks

    03/15/2015 8:14:21 AM PDT · by piasa · 28 replies
    YORBA LINDA — Walk into Mark Hanson’s church and nobody will greet you. The guys hanging around the foyer might even make fun of what you’re wearing, or your haircut. A sign over the entrance reads, “Grab a seat in the back and shut up. Nobody cares what you think.” Welcome to Jerk Church. “You know these guys,” says Hanson, the pastor and founder. “They sit with their arms folded the whole time, leave during the altar call, criticize the pastor, snort when other people state their opinions and never create lasting bonds of friendship. Their wives are always really...
  • Kerry Says Admin Won’t Destroy ISIL SATIRE

    03/15/2015 10:22:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Secretary of State John Kerry boasted that “we have the capacity to knock out ISIL, but we’re not going to do it. Eliminating these murderous thugs is not part of the President’s vision for the transformation of America.” By way of explanation, Kerry pointed out that “in the movies, Lex Luthor is a vile criminal, yet Superman never kills him. Why? It’s because there needs to be a balance between good and evil. The same thing can be said for how we respond to ISIL. Wiping them out risks upsetting the balance between good and evil. We need them as...
  • Obama Administration Asks Appeals Court to Void Injunction [semi-satire]

    03/14/2015 10:52:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Lawyers for the Obama Administration filed suit in the New Orleans-based 5th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals, asking it to overturn federal Judge Andrew Hanen’s injunction prohibiting further executive action granting additional rights and privileges to amnestied illegal aliens. “Judge Hanen’s order is unprecedented and wrong,” claimed Administration attorney Abby Lyon. “First of all, a mere district court judge lacks the standing to impede a policy ordered by the president of the United States,” Lyon said. “Second, Judge Hanen was appointed by former President Bush, who is no longer this country’s reigning chief executive. Consequently, Hanen has no mandate to...
  • Obama Admin May Bypass Congress, Seek UN Approval of Iran Deal [semi-satire]

    03/13/2015 10:09:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Maech 2015 | John Semmens
    This week the Obama Administration has indicated it may bypass Congress and go directly to the United Nations to obtain international approval of its pending agreement with Iran. US UN Ambassador Samantha Power cited "the traitorous actions of the 47 United States Senators' who attempted to limit the President's authority with that open letter they signed. They made it clear that their loyalty to the President is in question. Their insistence on using the Constitution as a cloak for Congressional interference has forced the Administration to seek an alternate path toward solidifying the agreement." The "alternate path" would be to...
  • (Satire) 16-Year Old Girl Claims Former President Bill Clinton is Her Father

    03/13/2015 3:07:46 PM PDT · by barmag25 · 123 replies
    Teaparty.org ^ | 3/13/15 | Tea party
    (World News Daily) – A 16-year old girl has presented a paternity action lawsuit this morning, before an Arkansas state court, alleging that the former president of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton, is her biological father. Alyssa Gilmore claims that her mother, a former secretary of the oval office named Whitney Gilmore, had an affair with President Clinton between 1998 and 2001. She says she was born out of that relationship, and demands that Mr. Clinton undergoes a paternity test to prove that her story is true. - See more at: http://www.teaparty.org/16-year-old-girl-claims-former-president-bill-clinton-father-88728/#sthash.FkzK7Ev7.dpuf
  • IRS Insists Giving Tax Refunds to Illegal Aliens Is “the Least We Can Do” [semi-satire]

    03/10/2015 10:52:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 March 2015 | John Semmens
    The IRS has announced plans to follow up President Obama’s illegal grant of amnesty to persons in this country illegally with a program that will permit illegal aliens to receive tax refunds for taxes they never paid. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen defended the move as “a necessary component of the President’s vision for America’s future. The vast majority of these immigrants are poor. They will need substantial help if the President’s dream of transforming our culture is to become a reality. Diverting some of America’s excess wealth to these people via tax refunds is one way of making this happen.”...
  • Cruz Health Care Choice Act Labeled “Exercise in Futility” SATIRE

    03/09/2015 9:40:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 March 2015 | John Semmens
    This past week Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) introduced his Health Care Choice Act. If enacted, this bill would repeal Obamacare’s insurance mandate and allow consumers to purchase a health insurance plan in any state. Cruz characterized his bill as “a true market-based reform that will make health insurance more personal and affordable, giving consumers the freedom to select plans that fit their needs from any vendor in America.” Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest labeled the bill “an exercise in futility. We doubt he can get it past his own Party’s Congressional Leadership. The president is confident that either Senate Majority...
  • Vice President Joe Biden Enters Betty Ford Center, Sources Reveal (C'mon - This is SATIRE folks)

    03/08/2015 12:20:43 PM PDT · by Dr. Thorne · 130 replies
    RANCHO MIRAGE, California – Vice President Joe Biden, 72, reportedly entered the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, California on Feb. 26. According to a source close to the chemical dependency recovery facility, the Vice President was escorted into the Center late Thursday evening by several members of the Secret Service and Dr. Jill Biden, the Vice President’s wife. Biden’s official White House schedule makes no mention of an official event in or near Southern California, leading many to wonder if the the Vice President’s visit is because of a substance abuse or alcohol problem. Biden’s recent headlines concern what...
  • Controversial Imam Hired by DOJ Bureau of Prisons SATIRE

    03/08/2015 10:02:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Fouad El Bayly, an Egyptian-born imam who in 2007 said that Somali-born activist Ayaan Hirsi Ali should be killed, has been hired by the Department of Justice Bureau of Prisons to teach classes and provide leadership and guidance to Muslims who are in federal prison. Bureau of Prisons Director Charles Samuels, Jr. sees no problem with hiring El Bayly, “as I understand it, Hirsi Ali is an apostate. Under the tenets of Islam she should be put to death. That El Bayly has said so merely demonstrates his bonafides as a genuine Muslim scholar. If anything, this should vindicate our...
  • Joe Biden Releases (Both) Emails He Wrote As VP

    03/07/2015 4:25:18 PM PST · by aMorePerfectUnion · 15 replies
    Zero Hedge ^ | 3/6/15 | Tyler Durden
    In what could be a prelude to a Presidential run in 2016, on Friday Joe Biden released to the public both e-mails that he has written while serving as Vice-President for the past six years. Biden took pride in announcing that he had sent both messages from his official government e-mail address, adding, “I have nothing to hide.”