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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Consoling Disease Concerns [CDC Brochure]

    10/23/2014 7:45:41 PM PDT · by OneWingedShark · 13 replies
    Self ^ | 23 Oct 14 | OneWingedShark
    Isn't it about time we heard from the CDC on things, well here's "Consoling Disease Concerns: Happiness and Sunshine" to cheer you up as we face Ebola! Link
  • Pelosi Agrees With President On Travel Ban (satire)

    10/23/2014 6:49:56 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 10-23-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    Today, Nancy Pelosi announced her support for the President's rejection of a travel ban for West African nations experiencing the Ebola epidemic. Pelosi explained her support for rejection of the travel ban because of the jobs Ebola saved or created in the U.S. She pointed out that for every Ebola patient 50 medical personnel were required for their treatment. Additionally, thousands of dollars of supplies and medicines and wrist band thingies were required for each patient. Pelosi stated that although unemployment was good for the encomomy, an Ebola epidemic had the possibility setting the economy on fire. If the EPA...
  • Satire: NIH Deflects Criticism of Spending Priorities

    10/21/2014 9:35:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    GOP critics of government priorities in how tax dollars are spent have latched onto the National Institutes of Health investment in studying why lesbians are fat as a sign of the agency’s poor judgment. Rep. Michael McCaul (R-Tex) says “the more we learn about the decisions made by this Administration, the worse it sounds. Back in 2008 the incoming Obama Administration was advised that it should take stronger measures against a possible Ebola pandemic. Instead, they divert scarce resources to studies like this.” NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins defended the allocation of resources. “The number of obese lesbians in this...
  • Good Green Government [EPA Brochure]

    10/21/2014 8:35:49 AM PDT · by OneWingedShark · 10 replies
    Self | 21 Oct 14 | OneWingedShark
    Isn't it amazing how wonderful the EPA is? Well here's a brochure detailing just how they're improving your life with their green policies! Link
  • Satire: Guatemalan President Blames US for Illegal Immigration from His Country

    10/20/2014 10:23:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Guatemalan President Otto Perez says the recent influx of illegal immigration to the US from Central American nations is America’s fault. “Look, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvadore are veritable cesspools,” Perez admitted. “Who wouldn’t want to leave? Compare this to welfare obtainable in the United States if you are poor and you have a strong motivation to try to get there. With President Obama’s open border policies its practically an invitation to make the arduous journey north.” As an alternative to mass migration, Perez suggested that “more generous foreign aid to our counties in the south could dampen the need for...
  • Satire: First Lady Frustrated in Efforts to Motivate Democrat Voters

    10/19/2014 11:02:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    First Lady Michelle Obama showed signs of increasing impatience with the Democrats’ voter base in her efforts to drum up enthusiasm for the Party’s candidates. “Too many of the voters who helped put Barack in office seem to be asleep at the wheel for these mid-term races,” she complained. Michelle speculated that “poor diet may play an even bigger role than we thought. I mean, if a person is overweight feasting on junk food, getting up to go to the polls and vote may be too daunting a task. We’ve done all we could to try to eliminate impediments to...
  • Satire: Houston Persists in Effort to Stifle Speech

    10/18/2014 12:15:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Though the City of Houston has backed off its demand for local area ministers to submit copies of their Sunday sermons to the City’s attorneys, it is now demanding copies of any non-sermon speeches they may have made. Mayor Annise Parker, Houston’s first openly lesbian mayor, defended this blatant invasion of freedom of speech, arguing that “Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) is the law of this land. No one is entitled to speak out against the law, especially not church leaders.” “Churches have special exemptions from government taxes,” Parker pointed out. “As a quid-pro-quo for this benefit they ought to...
  • Satire: Troops Being Deployed to Ebola Zone Get Skimpy Training

    10/18/2014 9:08:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    The US troops President Obama has ordered into West Africa to help in the battle against Ebola are receiving a scant 4 hours of training about the virus. Soldiers who have had the training have characterized it as "frightening." "We will be exposed with minimal protective gear." "If you get it you'll probably die a horrible death." "It's far worse than getting shot or even blown up." United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) spokeswoman Caree Vander-Linden insisted that the skimpy training was "appropriate for the mission. We're basically trying to warn the troops to be cautious,...
  • Satire: President Dispatches Seasoned Political Operatives to Stem Ebola Crisis

    10/18/2014 12:36:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 29 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama took decisive action on the growing Ebola crisis this week by appointing two well-traveled political operatives to key roles. On the national front, he named Ron Klain his special Ebola Czar. At the same time, he tabbed Adrian Saenz to manage events on the ground in Dallas—site of America's “patient zero.” The fact that neither man has any expertise in any medical field, much less in infectious diseases, took many observers by surprise. Republican Senator Jerry Moran of Kansas called the appointments “puzzling. When I called for the naming of an Ebola czar I thought the fact that...
  • Ebola Not Contagious Until After Nov. 4 Election, Says CDGC

    10/16/2014 1:09:25 PM PDT · by tcrlaf · 18 replies
    People's Cube ^ | 10-16-2014 | Nomenklatura-climber
    The USSA’s Center for Disease and Gun Control has announced that the State will not impose any travel restrictions due to the Ebola outbreak until after the November 4 elections to ensure that all workers and peasants can have free access to ballots and polling places during this critical struggle for Progress. Comrade Disease Director Thomas Frieden has declared that Ebola is only ‘semi-transmittable’ and therefore only official Party-certified doctors can actually impose quarantines on an as-needed basis. In the meantime, those who believe they are exhibiting symptoms, while not contagious until after the November 2 elections, are asked to...
  • ISIS releases snippet of new Nickelback single, threaten to unleash full song if demands not met

    10/16/2014 8:44:03 AM PDT · by mbarker12474 · 18 replies
    Israeli Daily online new (spoof) ^ | 16 october 2014 | Chris Peacock Israeli Daily spoof
    ISIS releases snippet of new Nickelback single, threaten to unleash full song if demands not met by Chris Peacock Today, a senior ISIS Public Retaliations Officer and the organisation’s Chief Torturer Abu-Hassan bin-harem announced that a new kind of warfare may soon be on our hands. “We have recently obtained a new type of weapon. Our Long-Acoustic Range Device (LARD) is capable of damage beyond anyone’s wildest imagination.” It has been confirmed that the militant group is referring to Nickelback’s new song titled Edge of a Revolution; a song so awful that it is crippling and at times even lethal....
  • Satire: Senator Minimizes Concern for Those Who Lost Health Care Insurance

    10/14/2014 9:53:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    In a debate with GOP opponent Ed Gillespie, Senator Mark Warner (D-Va) expressed little concern over the reported 250,000 Virginians who lost their health care insurance coverage due to Obamacare. “Look, every battle has casualties,” Warner blandly commented. “What we need to do is weigh these against the gains achieved by the Affordable Care Act, of which I believe there were many.” Among the gains cited by Warner were coverage for preexisting conditions, equal prices for men and women, and keeping children on parents' plans until age 26. As good as these provisions may sound to Obamacare advocates, they yield...
  • Satire: Maryland Governor Declares WiFi a Human Right

    10/13/2014 9:14:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    In what some project to be the opening gambit of a potential 2016 presidential campaign, Maryland’s Governor Martin O’Malley (D) declared that access to WiFi is a human right. “I’m not saying that people should merely be free to purchase and use WiFi at their own expense,” O’Malley clarified. “Doing what you please and paying for it out of your own pocket is an archaic conception of basic human rights. It may have been fine for our nation’s Founding Fathers because they didn’t know any better. Fortunately, we’ve made significant advances in our thinking since then.” A key phrase that...
  • satire: Obama’s Attempt to Cast GOP as “Party of Billionaires” Muddled by Fund-Raising Event

    10/12/2014 11:38:39 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama’s efforts to try to differentiate Democrats from “billionaire Republicans” was undercut by his own participation in a posh fund-raiser sponsored by billionaire Rich Richman. Though the entry fee for the event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000, the President insisted that “it was an opportunity for the middle class to have a say in the electoral process” contending that “the $1,000 minimum fee was less than half the annual $2500 savings in health insurance premiums that each middle class family has experienced under the Affordable Care Act.” As for billionaire host Rich Richman, the President asserted that “there are...
  • Kentucky Candidate Rebuffs Ballot Question [Semi-News/Semi-Satire]

    10/12/2014 9:55:33 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    The Democratic candidate for the US Senate in Kentucky, Alison Grimes refused repeated queries as to whether she voted for Obama in either 2008 or 2012. “People may think they have a right to know, but they don’t,” Grimes forcefully asserted. “In this country we have a secret ballot. No one has the right to demand to know how I cast that ballot.” Louisville Courier-Journal editor Pam Platt defended asking the question when Grimes appeared at the paper’s editorial board meeting to seek its endorsement in her race to unseat Republican Senator Mitch McConnell. “The secret ballot is meant to...
  • CDC Clarifies Obama Statement on Ebola [Semi-News/Semi-Satire]

    10/11/2014 1:05:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama's attempt to reassure people that “you can't get Ebola from sitting next to someone on a bus” directly contradicted the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advice for people who have returned from Ebola infested west African nations to avoid taking public transportation. “The President seems to have misunderstood what we told him,” CDC Director Tom Frieden explained. “Of course, the President would never have to worry about catching Ebola from a fellow bus passenger because he never rides on public transportation. How he generalized this into a notion that no one could catch Ebola from close...
  • SATIRE ALERT State Department Praises Hamas-Fatah Alliance

    10/11/2014 10:28:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    A thawing of the rivalry between Hamas and Fatah was hailed by State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki as “a positive step toward resolving the issue of Zionist occupation of Palestinian lands. This helps thwart Israel’s attempt to drive a wedge between Muslims.” “From a broader perspective anything that stops Muslims from fighting amongst themselves is an encouraging development,” Psaki said. “Different sects of Islam have been warring against one another for centuries. Jihad is a noble endeavor that should not be frittered away on internal disagreements. This needlessly siphons off energy that could be more productively employed for the good...
  • SATIRE Former Obama Press Secretary Says GOP Unfairly Exploiting Administration's Failures

    10/10/2014 4:42:19 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 30 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    The incoherence of President Obama's foreign policy and the cascade of domestic policy scandals are being unfairly exploited for political gain according to former Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Hitting a man when he is down is just plain dirty," Gibbs maintained. "It's disloyal and unpatriotic. Rather than criticize the President, Republicans should be looking for ways to help him recover from the battering he is taking in the media. That would be the decent thing to do." Gibbs was especially outraged that "the GOP hasn't given the President enough credit for what he has accomplished. President Obama came into...
  • Immigration-Travel Center to be set up at White House

    10/09/2014 7:06:54 AM PDT · by MeneMeneTekelUpharsin · 29 replies
    UToo News | 9 October 2014 | Mene
    The White House announced today that starting in January 2015, a new Immigration-Travel Center will be set up at the White House for individuals traveling to and from West Africa. Travelers will arrive at Washington Dulles airport and will be shuttle for free to the center. They will be processed through the front door and into the left wing with final process taking place in the Green Room since an individual who was unauthorized already made it that far anyway. A special parking area will be set up on Pennsylvania Ave. for cars and shuttles transporting travelers from the West...
  • Risk of Contracting Ebola a Small Price To Pay For Enriching America With Diversity <satire>

    10/08/2014 4:33:33 PM PDT · by Redcat · 17 replies
    Diversity Chronicle ^ | Oct. 7, 2014 | Amina Shabez
    The radical, racist, and reactionary right is at it again! This time, they are stoking ugly, xenophobic, and nativist fears that Americans could contract the deadly ebola virus from African immigrants or visitors to the US! These fears are really just a smokescreen for those who hate African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, Muslims and other immigrant groups along with hating the LGBT. They have no basis in reality, and the accusation really proves how desperate racists are to find ANY and EVERY excuse possible for limiting immigration. What are these white hate mongers so afraid of? The truth is that racist white people...
  • SATIRE Reporter “Creeped Out” by Michelle Obama Campaign Rally

    10/07/2014 8:29:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Meg Kissinger, a long-time reporter for the politically liberal Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, attempted to cover a Milwaukee campaign speech by First Lady Michelle Obama. She was stunned to discover that she was prohibited from talking to members of the audience. Michelle’s aide Mary Burke explained that “it is important that the message the First Lady is trying to communicate not be confounded by inappropriate crowd comments to any reporters. This is, after all, her event. She has a right to control how it is perceived and reported.” “To say that I was creeped out is an understatement,” Kissinger said. “We...
  • UK Bans Bomb-Sniffing Dogs Satire

    10/06/2014 9:47:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Protests from Muslims that dogs are “unclean” has prompted United Kingdom Transport officials to ban the use of dogs to sniff out explosives that terrorists might attempt to smuggle onto transportation vehicles. Secretary of State for Transport Patrick McLoughlin explained that “for Muslims contact with a dog or even being in the presence of a dog is a certain and serious defilement. Since this is a religious belief rather than just a personal quirk it ought to merit the full protection of the law. I mean, we can’t trample this right merely on the theoretical possibility that without these dogs...
  • US Army Still ‘The Best in History’ After 50-Year 1-1-7 Record (Satire!)

    10/06/2014 9:25:48 AM PDT · by Cry if I Wanna · 12 replies
    DuffleBlog ^ | October 6, 2014 | Frederick Taub
    THE PENTAGON — U.S. Army leaders insist their force is still “the greatest fighting force in human history” even after a woeful record exacerbated by two debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan, sources confirmed today. “Look at the Roman Legion,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Martin ‘McFly’ Dempsey, comparing the Romans to the modern U.S. Army which failed in Vietnam, Kosovo, Iraq, Libya, Iraq again, Afghanistan, and barely tied in Korea. “They never once waged a proper counterinsurgency. They never won hearts and minds, they just went right in and nailed the insurgents to crosses along the Appian Way. That’s...
  • GOP Criticism over Obama Missing Intel Briefings Panned [warning: contains satire]

    10/05/2014 10:32:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Revelations that the ISIS grew while President Obama skipped nearly 60% of his scheduled intelligence briefings has sparked harsh criticism from mostly GOP sources. Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) characterized the missed briefings as “disturbing and possibly irresponsible. Is ignorance of what’s going on in the world behind what appears to be this Administration’s feckless foreign policy?” Former Vermont Governor and Democratic presidential aspirant Howard Dean dismissed the criticisms as “baseless. The erroneous premise is that any information that the President might have gleaned from any briefings would have altered his policy decisions. People who know the President are confident that...
  • Biden Announces His 2016 Candidacy For Vice President (Satire)

    10/04/2014 6:26:27 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 10-4-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    The Vice President announced his run for another term as Vice President in 2016. Slow Joe Biden stated that he wanted to get the jump on any other possible candidates and get a lock on the position by the end of 2014. Slow Joe stated that he was going to make the announcement last week but unexpected events prevented it. With the Secret Service falling apart, Slow Joe was put on standby to caddy and wash balls for Barack if the assigned Secret Service agent again failed to report to duty. There have been several instances recently where the designated...
  • Obama Calls November Elections "Referendum on My Policies" [warning: contains satire]

    10/04/2014 11:47:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Miffed that so many Democrats running for reelection have shunned his endorsement and declined to appear in public with him, President Obama sought to take control of the narrative by insisting that "though I'm not on the ballot this November my policies certainly are." Mortified Democrats raced to microphones across the nation to dispute the President's assertion. Senator Kay Hagan (D-NC) called the President's words "very discouraging and a 'stab in the back.' We supported his programs. He needs us in the Senate if he hopes to push ahead with his transformation. We're on-board with that, but we can't get...
  • GOP Refusal to Extend Unemployment Benefits Leads to Job Growth

    10/04/2014 9:56:11 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    A study published by the New York Federal Reserve found that the number of job openings rose by an estimated 20% in the six months following the lapse of the federal government's extended unemployment benefits. The lapse occurred because the Republican controlled House refused to vote to extend the benefits. Fatih Karahan, one of the authors of the study, cited the "mutually reinforcing effects of decreasing the burden on businesses to fund the benefits and decreasing the incentives of recipients to shun employment. If your tax burden of supporting benefits declines you can afford to hire more workers. Similarly, if...
  • Obama Nixes Ebola Travel Restrictions [warning: contains satire]

    10/03/2014 9:16:34 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 37 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Despite numerous urgings, President Obama remains determined not to block entry into the United States by persons who may have been exposed to the deadly Ebola virus. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that "the President emphatically believes that we are all citizens of the world. This ideal cannot flourish if we bar our doors to fellow citizens. We would do more damage to our image as leaders of a global community if out of fear of contagion we sealed our borders to those wishing to enter." Earnest also cited "humanitarian reasons" for not blocking travel to the US...
  • Administration Desperately Courting George Zimmerman To Replace Lesbian Secret Service Director

    10/01/2014 12:29:26 PM PDT · by IChing · 15 replies
    ClashDaily.com ^ | 10/01/2014 | Donald Joy
    The following is only partly satire; the rest is pure fact. Being able to discern which is which disqualifies the reader from government employment or contracting. As the old saying goes, “desperate times call for desperate measures.” With the glaring klieg lights of harsh congressional scrutiny being thrown onto several grave and alarming security lapses around the President and First Family, a humiliated and confused Obama administration is urgently in need of expert help. So much so, in fact, that they’re now awkwardly reaching out to someone whose skill at detecting suspicious perimeter intrusion at a gated complex (not to...
  • Satire: Cities Step Up Efforts to Crush Deviant Behavior

    10/01/2014 8:53:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The Seattle City Council passed a new ordinance that will fine people for throwing away too much food. The concern is that this discarded food should be composted rather than just trashed. “Our growth rate for recycling has stalled,” complained Council member Sally Bagshaw. “The notion of some city residents that they need not participate in this effort is erroneous. A successful program requires the full compliance of every citizen.” To enforce the stricter rules the City will empower trash collectors to examine a family’s discards to determine whether any items found could have been recycled. “We’ve taken voluntary obedience...
  • Satire: President Downplays Traffic Woes Caused by His Motorcades

    09/30/2014 10:46:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 34 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    As usual, President Obama’s recent trip to the United Nations to give a speech sparked tremendous traffic jams in New York City. Not to worry, though, it’s not so bad. “I hear a lot of hype about New York traffic, but it didn’t look too bad to me,” the President said. “All the stories of bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go traffic that I’ve heard showed no signs on my trip to the UN.” While Obama did concede that his experience may have been abnormal compared to what ordinary drivers have to deal with, he insisted that “putting up with a little extra congestion...
  • President Blames Congress For Intelligence Failure (Satire)

    09/29/2014 7:16:29 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 9-29-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    President Obama clarified his accusation that DNI James Clapper was the cause of the intelligence failure about ISIL. Obama claimed that, in the short term, Clapper was at fault for general incompetence but that Congress was ultimately responsible because they confirmed him for the position. Clapper could not have performed his job with criminal negligence had he not been confirmed for the job by Congress. Obama stated that Congress has a history of confirming total incompetents after which he has had to work with them in his administration. Who can forget "Turbo Tax Timmy", or Hillary "Benghazi" Clinton, or "Stuck...
  • A word about posting satire

    09/29/2014 3:38:42 PM PDT · by Jim Robinson · 230 replies
    September 29, 2014 | Jim Robinson
    No, FR is not trying to quash satire. However, it should be clearly labeled as such in the title. Some people seem to think it's great trickling our readers into falling for satire. It's not. A lot of people come to FR and scan the headlines clicking on articles of interest. If they're not familiar with the author or source, they may be misled and may even pass it on to others. No thanks. If you post satire, please label it as "satire' in the title. Thanks
  • Obama Calls On ISIL To Carry Out ‘Moderate, Inclusive’ Beheadings (Satire)

    09/29/2014 3:04:12 PM PDT · by Cry if I Wanna · 12 replies
    The Duffle Blog ^ | 9/29/2014 | Dick Scuttlebutt
    THE WHITE HOUSE — In an interview with 60 Minutes on CBS that aired Sunday, President Obama called on the leaders of ISIL, or the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, to exercise more moderation and inclusivity in their beheadings of infidels. The president was responding to a question from 60 Minutes correspondent Steve Kroft, who asked whether the administration was specifically addressing the beheadings and mutilations of thousands of Yazidi, Kurdish and other minority groups in northern Iraq and eastern Syria. Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2014/09/president-calls-isil-moderate-inclusive-beheadings/#ixzz3EkBcq1BU
  • US Forrest Service to Charge for Taking Pictures of Trees [satire]

    09/29/2014 1:19:54 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Hungry for a means to supplement is budget, the US Forrest Service is proposing new regulations that would allow it to charge visitors $1500 if they want to take pictures in wilderness areas. Liz Close, the Forest Service’s acting wilderness director, called the new fees “essential to our mission. These wilderness areas belong to the government. Why shouldn’t we get revenue from what is our property?” Close warned against thinking that “these areas are too vast for us to enforce collection. We are watching from both the ground and the air. Rangers randomly patrol with orders to seize any cameras...
  • People Shouldn’t Want to Live Past Age 75 [satire]

    09/29/2014 9:26:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, one of the chief architects of the Affordable Care Act, says people should want to die at age 75. “Let’s face it, the vast majority of those over age 75 have nothing positive to contribute to society,” Emanuel wrote in an essay for Atlantic. “In both physical and mental terms they’re pretty accurately described as ‘decepit.’ Their bodies and minds are just rotting in their shells.” “It would be best if they could be persuaded to exit peacefully at their own hand—perhaps with the aid of a physician-prescribed suicide drug,” Emanuel suggested. “Heaven knows this would be...
  • Eric Holder Takes $77 Million Job With JPMorgan Chase

    09/28/2014 1:09:28 PM PDT · by Nachum · 119 replies
    the daily currant ^ | 9/26/14 | staff
    Just after announcing his resignation as U.S. attorney general, Eric Holder has accepted a top job with Wall Street finance giant JPMorgan Chase. Starting in early November, Holder will serve as JPMorgan Chase’s chief compliance officer, where his responsibilities will include lobbying Congress on the company’s behalf and ensuring it “gets the best deal possible” from any new proposed financial regulations. Holder will also fetch morning coffee and breakfast orders for CEO Jamie Dimon and board members. For his efforts, Holder will earn an annual salary of $77 million plus bonuses for a job well done. In a statement, Holder...
  • Holder Resigns as AG

    09/28/2014 9:57:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Eric Holder announced that he is stepping down as the nation’s Attorney General. The ingratitude of the American people and the constant criticisms of Republicans were cited as compelling reasons for quitting. “Though I’ve done more than any previous Attorney General to reshape the way our laws are enforced I am badgered by contentions that I have veered too far outside the legitimate bounds of my authority,” Holder groused. “History will show that these bounds were too narrow if true justice is to be obtained. Nevertheless, as important as this crusade for people’s justice remains, I am exhausted.” Representative Darrel...
  • Nominee For Holder Replacement Named

    09/27/2014 6:37:04 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 44 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 9-27-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    The nominee to replace Eric Holder as the US Attorney General was announced today by the White House. Travis County, Texas District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg was named. Although not a national figure or Federal Deputy Attorney General, Rosemary Lehmberg garnered national notoriety by engineering the indictment of Gov. Rick Perry. Valarie Jarrett, special adviser to the president, worked with an ABA search committee to find a replacement for Holder. The committee exhausted several lists of recently disciplined and disbarred lawyers seeking a lawyer with similar professional ethics and standards as Holder without success. Turning to other available pools of possible...
  • School Board to Add Masturbation to Kindergarten Curriculum

    09/27/2014 2:35:32 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The Las Vegas School Board has drafted a new sex education curriculum that has some parents alarmed. Part of the new curriculum includes teaching kindergartners and pre-schoolers how to masturbate. Clark County School Superintendent Pat Skorkowsky called the plan “common sense. Rather than have these students learn about this in back alleys and lavatories we’re bringing it out into the open.” Skokowsky tried to reassure parents, telling them that “trained professionals from places like the Mustang Ranch will be brought in to conduct the demonstrations. Only the most tried and effective techniques will be displayed. Enabling our students to efficiently...
  • RFK Jr. Demands Censorship of Climate Skeptics [Another one of my fake articles]

    09/26/2014 4:35:22 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 47 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. opined that those skeptical of the dangers of climate change ought to be silenced. "I'm really tired of arguing with these people," Kennedy complained. "It's a drain on my energy. It takes time away from restructuring society along more socially beneficial lines." Kennedy suggested that "climate skeptics should be put on trial at the Hague as 'war criminals.' Whether people realize it or not, we are at war for the planet's future. On one side are those who want to save the planet. On the other are people who want to stop us from...
  • Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI Asks To Be Reinstated As Pope [satire]

    09/25/2014 6:50:52 PM PDT · by markomalley · 6 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 9/25/2014
    VATICAN–According to reports today, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI is seeking the chair of his pontificate months after his resignation. The news has sent shock waves around the world.Vatican spokesman Fr. Vitateli Devitiamani told EOTT that, “He came for a dinner as scheduled and then proceeded to return to his old living quarters. That wouldn’t be a problem, since His Holiness Pope Francis chose to live elsewhere, the room is open. However, once we asked him where he was going, he simply said, ‘I’m back,’ then proceeded to put his sunglasses on even though we were inside.”Sources say that the next...
  • Holder to Walk: Attorney General Leaving Fast, Furious

    09/25/2014 9:05:01 AM PDT · by Lucky9teen · 16 replies
    http://scrappleface.com/ ^ | 9/25/14 | Scott Ott
    BREAKING… (2014-09-25) — A Justice Department source says Attorney General Eric Holder hopes to leave his post fast, furious with opponents’ attacks on his tenure as the nation’s top law enforcement officer.President Obama, reportedly, plans to just “let him walk.”“Of course, Obama will always know where Holder is,” the unnamed source said. “Such a powerful person is easy to trace, in case the president needs to shoot him an email, or has a legal concern that’s sort of borderline.”Friends and associates say the Attorney General hopes to “get a job in the private sector where the cops won’t hassle him just because...
  • Retiring Senator Endorses Hillary for President [Another one of my fake stories]

    09/24/2014 1:21:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Retiring Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) gave a ringing endorsement to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential ambitions. “Most people think that she is a moderate, kind of middle-of-the-road type of politician,” Harkin said. “This is way off the mark. She is much farther to the left and a lot more progressive in her thoughts and her inclination than most people may think. That’s why she has my unconditional support should she choose to run for president in 2016.” if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at... http://azconservative.org/2014/09/19/dem-operative-says-obama-planning-october-surprise/
  • Americans Fighting for ISIS Shouldn’t Lose Passports, Congressional Candidate Says [Another one of

    09/24/2014 11:05:33 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The suggestion that Americans leaving the country to join ISIS ought to forfeit their passports was rejected by Iowa Democratic Congressional candidate Staci Appel during her televised debate with her GOP opponent David Young. “The right to travel is fundamental to what it means to be an American,” Appel maintained. “A person shouldn’t have to worry that someone else will judge the reasons for his travel as illegitimate. What if the American tries to join ISIS but is rejected for some reason? Shouldn’t he still have a home country to return to? What if he fights for ISIS for a...
  • Victorious Secret: Lingerie for Overcomers

    09/23/2014 5:49:54 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 20 replies
    Wittenburg Door ^ | 08/29/2008 | Kenny R
    Victorious Secret bills itself as "The Lingerie Line for the Overcoming Woman" And it is the "premier and dominant" producer of Christian-themed apparel in America, and maybe in the universe, according to the company's innovative founder, Veronique Wisteria. Famous for her eccentric ways and romanesque figure, Veronique started the company as a mail-order operation in her laundry room. Now it has more than 400 employees at its headquarters in Kansas City, Mo., and a 70,000 square-foot warehouse in Orange County, Calif., that handles more than 800,000 orders a year. But achieving that goal was difficult--about as difficult as slipping into...
  • Candidate Says Illegal Immigrants Have Earned Right to Receive Welfare [Fiction]

    09/23/2014 9:57:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Democratic gubernatorial candidate Rep. Mike Michaud (Maine) says he is opposed to the idea of curtailing the eligibility for welfare payments to illegal immigrants. “These people have undertaken a long, arduous, and often dangerous journey to get here,” Michaud said. “That took courage and determination. Welfare payments are a meager reward for enduring these treks. It would be niggardly of us to deny them after they’ve crossed the finish line.” Under Maine law, illegal immigrants are not eligible for state funded welfare payments. Nonetheless, several cities have defied the law and paid out public funds to them. Portland disburses over...
  • IRS Commissioner Taunts Congress

    09/23/2014 8:07:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Internal Revenue Service (IRS) commissioner John Koskinen made light of Congressional efforts to probe his agency for evidence of wrongdoing. At a House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee hearing Koskinen mocked committee members, saying that “hard drive crashes continue as we speak. We can erase files and destroy incriminating evidence faster than you can imagine where to look.” Charges that IRS employees broke the law and broke file retention protocols elicited only a chuckle from the Commissioner. “Congress is not my boss,” Koskinen pointed out. “I answer to the President. Last I heard, he thinks we’re doing fine.” Koskinen belittled...
  • Attorney General Calls for More Racial Balance in People Police Shoot

    09/22/2014 11:03:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Referencing the events in Ferguson, Missouri, US Attorney General Eric Holder called for more racial balance in the people police shoot. “What we had in Ferguson was a white officer shooting a Black teenager,” Holder recounted. “When we look at over all statistics, white officers shooting African-Americans is disproportional to their representation in the population. This establishes a prima facie case that racism is playing a role in the use of deadly force.” “We need to ask some hard questions,” Holder contended. “Why isn’t there a more proportionately balanced representation of America’s population when it comes to police shootings? Why...
  • Female Democrat Heavyweights Assert “Congress Is out of Touch on Women’s Issues”

    09/22/2014 9:03:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    A roundtable discussion at the Center for American Progress agreed that “Congress is out of touch on women’s issues.” Contributors to this conclusion included former Secretary of State and aspiring Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton, Democratic Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) and Patty Murray (Wash), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif), and Rep. Rosa DeLauro (Conn). “Women bear nearly 100% of the physical burden of procreation, yet do not exercise 100% of the power to determine how these children shall be raised and cared for,” Clinton observed. “Women who are married have to share authority with their children’s fathers. This cultivates...