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Keyword: satire

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  • Harvard Now Offering Four-Year Degree In Feeling Oppressed-SATIRE

    03/21/2018 11:53:33 AM PDT · by fungoking · 11 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 3/12/18 | Staff
    CAMBRIDGE, MA—Responding to consumer demand, Ivy League bellwether Harvard University announced Monday its new four-year Bachelor’s degree in Feeling Oppressed. “For those lucky enough to be able to afford the quarter-million-dollar cost of attending our prestigious school, we are offering a comprehensive program that will prepare you for a lifetime of convincing yourself that you are a perpetual victim and nothing that happens in your life is your own fault,” Harvard president Drew Faust announced in an afternoon press conference. “It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, what your background is, whether or not you’re by far the...
  • Job Openings Hit New Record [semi-satire]

    03/21/2018 9:54:09 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    This week the US Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that job openings increased to a record 6.3 million. The number of openings now equals the number of currently unemployed Americans. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) assailed these statistics, saying "this is the economic disaster our Party tried to avert, but the GOP rammed through their tax cut, which as we now see, has created a serious labor shortage. Millions of unemployed Americans will now be pressured into taking jobs they'd rather not do." Pelosi also contended that "these statistics validate the foolishness of the Administration's determination to throttle immigration....
  • Facebook Reminds Users Its Terms Of Service Specifically Allow For Orwellian Social Engineering

    03/20/2018 11:57:55 AM PDT · by snarkpup · 4 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | March 20, 2018
    MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to the recent data-hijacking scandal which has its stock price plummeting and lawmakers demanding an explanation, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reminded everyone in a Facebook Live video Tuesday that the tech giant’s official terms of service specifically allow for it or any third party to utilize data it collects to engage in nefarious, Orwellian social engineering of any type it chooses. ... The young tech billionaire went on to stress that the same terms also grant third parties unlimited use of user data once it’s purchased from Facebook, even if that means doing things “the likes of...
  • Hillary Defends Sexist Remarks [semi-satire]

    03/18/2018 11:46:12 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    While in India promoting her election memoir "What Happened," former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton laid a big share of the blame for her loss to Trump on "white women who were too weak to stand up to bullying by their husbands demanding that they vote for Trump." Clinton's former 2008 presidential campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle called Hillary's contention "wrong" and "unhelpful. To try to portray women as the pawns of men will clash with every woman's personal perception that she is the master of her own self. It won't ring true to women or to men. Rather than blaming...
  • House Intel Committee Closes Collusion Investigation [semi-satire]

    03/17/2018 1:33:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    House Intelligence Committee Republicans' announcement that it is ending its investigation of possible collusion between Trump and Russia to rig the 2016 presidential election because "there is no evidence" enraged House Intel Committee leaker Adam Schiff (D-Calif). "There's plenty of evidence that the Republicans refuse to acknowledge," Schiff maintained. "So blatant was the conspiracy that during a televised debate Trump brazenly signaled the Russians to reveal the 30,000 emails that Secretary Clinton had erased from her computer. And lo and behold, these emails started showing up in Wikileaks publications." "On top of that, the Russians punked Sec. Clinton by selling...
  • "National Walkout Day" Stirs Controversy [semi-satire]

    03/17/2018 1:48:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, various schools across the country sponsored "walkouts" in memory of the 17 students and faculty members killed in the Feb 14th massacre carried out by Nikolas Cruz at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. In other schools students took it upon themselves to walkout without permission. New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) warned school administrators not to punish students who engaged in unsanctioned walkouts, asserting that "it would be wrong. Threatening to discipline students for participating in the peaceful demonstrations is not only inappropriate, it is unconstitutional. Demonstrations against gun violence are protected by the First...
  • Schools Struggle with Religious Intolerance [semi-satire]

    03/13/2018 11:38:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    Contrasting styles of how to cope with differing religions in schools were demonstrated recently in Massachusetts and Germany. In Massachusetts librarians at Simmons College in Boston issued The Anti-Oppression Library Guide to promote equality and limit religious persecution. The Guide urges students to "refrain from using trigger words like 'Merry Christmas' or 'God bless you' after someone sneezes because these words constitute microaggressions against Muslims. Muslims don't celebrate Christmas. And the notion that God should bless a non-Muslim is offensive to their faith." The Guide warns that "even unintentional or inadvertent use of such trigger words could unleash a violent...
  • Dem Promises Reparations by 2020 [semi-satire]

    03/12/2018 10:47:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) promised an audience in Selma, Alabama that "we will provide reparations for slavery to all African-Americans by 2020 if we take back the House this November. We are going to divert those billion dollar tax cuts Trump gave to corporations and white people and pay off every Black man, woman, and child in America, except for 'Uncle Toms' like Ben Carson." Waters brushed aside difficulties in trying to distinguish between whites who owned slaves and the millions of white soldiers who fought in the Civil War that ended slavery in this country. "It's not about guilt...
  • Planned Trump-Kim Meeting Irks Soros [semi-satire]

    03/11/2018 10:19:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    Billionaire donor to the Democratic Party George Soros is apoplectic over the announcement that President Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un within the next two months to discuss nuclear disarmament of his country. "This never should have happened," Soros complained. "I paid $30 million to defeat Trump in the 2016 election. I've funded street protests and riots to try to undermine his administration. I've been working tirelessly with the FBI and media to generate a scandal that will drive him from office. That this Korean twit would wreck my efforts by yielding to Trump's pressures...
  • Conn Guv Says NRA a "Terrorist Organization" [semi-satire]

    03/10/2018 10:01:46 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    Connecticut's Gov. Dannel Malloy (D) called the NRA "a terrorist organization" and announced his state will "boycott the NRA." "Their defense of gun ownership goes far beyond legitimate protection of the rights of hunters and ventures into explicitly anti-government intent," Malloy argued. "In their fantastical vision, citizens need guns to be able to fight against tyranny. If that isn't an out-and-out threat to authority I don't know what is." "Citizens owning guns may have made sense when we were fighting the British for our independence," Malloy ventured. "But times have changed. Under our democracy, the government is the people. It...
  • Senator Says "California Represents the Future" [semi-satire]

    03/09/2018 7:14:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 41 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Mar 2018 | John Semmens
    Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) vehemently denounced US Attorney General Jeff Sessions' efforts to enforce federal immigration laws, calling them "a grievous and doomed attempt to thwart history. California represents the future toward which America is inexorably marching." "As Gov. Brown so eloquently pointed out, the so-called evils that Sessions claims to be trying to prevent are part of a worldwide evolution toward the more natural way of life being experienced outside of the United States.," Harris maintained. "The notion that Americans can live above the standards that exist in other parts of the world is both selfish and unsustainable. Owning...
  • Mark Zuckerberg Finishes Another Long Day Of Deciding What People Should Believe

    03/05/2018 10:23:59 PM PST · by Silentgypsy · 15 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 05/25/2017 | Unattributed
    MENLO PARK, CA—Giving his arms and legs a nice little stretch while reclining in his office chair Friday afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, confirmed that he had successfully completed another long day of deciding what people around the world should believe. The tech titan, worth $71 billion, went on to describe the weight that comes along with being the arbiter of moral fitness and objective truth, able to make or break nearly any website on the internet by lowering the organic reach of their posts or outright banning them, based upon Facebook’s opinion of the views expressed in their...
  • Sheriff Defends Holding Officers Out of Line of Fire [semi-satire]

    03/05/2018 10:22:47 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 March 2018 | John Semmens
    Broward County sheriff Scott Israel rebuffed criticism of the decision to order his deputies to “form a perimeter” rather than enter Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in order to confront Nikolas Cruz as he shot 17 students and teachers to death. “It’s a simple calculation of risk vs. reward,” Israel argued. “Anyone I might’ve sent in ran the risk of being shot before he could take any useful action to neutralize the threat. Each of my deputies is a highly trained and valuable asset to the community. The loss of any one of these men would be a significant loss...
  • Hell Introduces 13 New Varieties Of Pineapple Pizza

    03/04/2018 9:23:43 AM PST · by Silentgypsy · 70 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 08/24/2017 | Unattributed
    HELL—The demonic forces of Satan proudly announced Thursday the debut of 13 new varieties of pineapple pizza, designed to torture millions of humans deceived into consuming the hellish abominations. The exciting new spins on pineapple pizza were forged in the fires of the hottest portions of hell, and are designed to cause the greatest pain and suffering on earth as possible. “We expect the new Krazy Pineapple Kale pizza to be especially nefarious,” one high-ranking demonic official said in a board meeting unveiling the new assault on all things good and holy. “The pizzas shall masquerade as good and wholesome...
  • "Mistakes" Not "Scandals" [semi-satire]

    03/04/2018 8:48:39 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 March 2018 | John Semmens
    Speaking at MIT, former President Obama sought to convince the 3500 in attendance that "unlike what we've seen from just the first year of the Trump Administration, my eight-year tenure in office was remarkably scandal free. I admit we made a few mistakes, but nothing that embarrassed us." Obama critics might disagree. Fox News' Sean Hannity rattled of a list that included the Fast and Furious sale of guns to Mexican gangsters, the failure to send aid to our besieged consulate in Benghazi, the IRS discrimination against political conservatives, the Uranium One sale of 20% of the US uranium supply...
  • Mueller Investigating Trump’s Complaints About Sessions [semi-satire]

    03/03/2018 10:57:22 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 March 2018 | John Semmens
    President Trump’s repeated expressions of his dissatisfaction with Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ job performance is said to have opened a new avenue of investigation for Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into Russian interference with the 2016 election. “We have two alternate theories we can pursue,” Mueller is reputed to have told his team. “On the one hand, Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation. This is prima facie evidence that he has something to hide. Could that something be knowledge of Russian collusion? Could Trump’s public bullying of his Attorney General be an attempt to intimidate him into keeping silent?”...
  • Guv Disputes "Worst Quality of Life" Finding [semi-satire]

    03/02/2018 10:51:33 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 March 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, a report published by U.S. News on the quality of life in the United States ranked the State of California dead last—behind even the renowned "arm pit" State of New Jersey. "High rents, high taxes, and insufferable inhabitants" were cited as key low points contributing to California's last place finish. "In many of the cities even cramped and dumpy apartments can cost thousands per month in rent," the report commented. "It should be no surprise that homelessness in Los Angeles County has increased by 75% over the last six years. What is surprising is that public defecation has...
  • Nolte: Snopes Fact Checks, Facebook Threatens Satire Site for Mocking CNN

    03/02/2018 10:27:19 AM PST · by davikkm · 31 replies
    breitbart ^ | JOHN NOLTE
    The Christian satire site Babylon Bee has been fact-checked by Snopes and threatened by Facebook after it published an Onion-style article about CNN about purchasing a washing machine to “spin the news.” The Babylon Bee openly advertises itself as a satire site. Recent headlines include, “Local Pastor Hoping Curling Metaphors Go Over Big This Sunday,” “Nation That Calls Trump ‘Hitler’ Demands He Take All Guns Away,” “Calvinist Dog Corrects Owner: ‘No One Is A Good Boy’,” and “New Exercise Bike Forces You To Watch Christian Movies Until You Hit Your Calories Goal.” Not only is this fairly anodyne stuff, but...
  • Islam's Priorities Clarified [semi-satire]

    02/27/2018 10:40:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    In a lecture on religious doctrine, prominent Australian Muslim preacher Mohamed Hoblos told a gathering of the faithful that "a person who murders someone or rapes a child, but prays daily as prescribed in the Quran is better in the eyes of Allah than the one who doesn't commit any of these sins, but doesn't pray, Any person who misses one prayer without a good excuse is worse than a murderer, worse than a rapist in the eyes of Allah." Hoblos explained that "Allah does not want the faithful to sin. Not murdering or raping people is to be preferred,...
  • Chicago ID Card Will Allow Illegals to Vote [semi-satire]

    02/26/2018 10:52:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    In a bid to “harness the political potential of adding hundreds of thousands of new Democratic voters,” the City of Chicago has authorized government-issued photo ID cards for all residents, including “undocumented persons” in the country illegally. State Board of Elections spokesman Matt Dietrich said “the determination of who will be allowed to vote will be in the hands of local election authorities. There is no state law requiring proof of citizenship in order to register to vote. All you have to do is check a box on the voter registration form that says ‘yes, I am a citizen.’” Chicago...