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Keyword: satire

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  • Candidate Says "Sexploits" Make Him Ideal Person to Govern [semi-satire]

    05/23/2017 12:52:20 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Noah Dyer, a Democratic candidate for governor in Arizona, boasts that "my extensive sexual experiences equip me to understand the issues most important to the citizens of this state. For adults, and some children, sex is the most rewarding activity they will ever know. Few others understand this as well as I do. That will be the key to my ascension to the throne of governor." Dyer laid out his qualifications arguing that "my frequent casual sex, sex with married women, sex with multiple partners at once, sexting, and video-taping my sexual encounters demonstrate an unprecedented transparency among those of...
  • Governor Calls Taxpayers "Freeloaders" [semi-satire]

    05/22/2017 9:40:56 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 May 2017 | John Semmens
    California Governor Jerry Brown (D) lashed out at opponents of recent state tax increases calling them "freeloaders." "I've had it with then," Brown complained. "They think that they have a champion in Trump whose 'siren song' of self-reliance as the way to prosperity is leading so many away from their responsibility to the human collective. The reluctance to pay taxes is selfish. It is everyone's obligation to carry their fair share of the burden. It is the government task to determine what that share is for each individual. Once that determination is made refusal to cooperate is anti-social." The State's...
  • Study Shows Journalists Have Defective Brains [fake satire]

    05/21/2017 5:11:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 May 2017 | John Semmens
    A study conducted for the London Press Club by neuroscientist Tara Swart found that journalists have a below-average ability to regulate their emotions, suppress biases, solve complex problems, switch between tasks, and show creative and flexible thinking. "It's kind of ironic when you think about it," Swart observed. "Here we have a profession that is entrusted to inform the general population and sees itself as a guardian of truth. Yet, this study shows their brains are operating at a lower level than those of the average person." CNN's Jim Acosta challenged the study calling it "the worst slander of a...
  • BREAKING -- WHITE HOUSE LEAKER FOUND! (satire)

    05/20/2017 3:44:00 PM PDT · by Lazamataz · 37 replies
    5/20/2017 | By Laz A. Mataz
    I, your intrepid reporter, HAVE FINALLY UNCOVERED THE WHITE HOUSE LEAKER! It took months of dogged investigative work, but, without further fanfare, here it is: I have it on good second-hand authority that the friend of an uncle of a professor of a college where my aunt's child went heard it on the radio that the mother of a man who read it on the internet heard that some guy was talking about, on the subway, that he heard his barber met a prostitute who saw a police report about a poster about this girl who saw on TV that...
  • Media Assails Trump’s “Witch Hunt” Accusation [fake satire]

    05/20/2017 1:08:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 May 2017 | John Semmens
    President Donald Trump’s accusation that the media have subjected him to “the worst witch hunt ever experienced by an American politician” was assailed by NBC’s Lester Holt as “wrong in so many ways.” “Mr .Trump’s careless use of the language is yet another page of the case against his presidency,” Holt contended. “Witches are female. The continuing efforts of the GOP to pursue charges against Hillary Clinton that former FBI Director James Comey declared baseless could be fairly described as a witch hunt. The pursuit of Trump’s conspiracy with the Russians to derail her presidential bid would be more accurately...
  • DOJ Statements in Wake of Comey Dismissal Doubted [semi-satire]

    05/19/2017 11:52:22 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 May 2017 | John Semmens
    The hysterical media narrative that Trump's firing of FBI Director James Comey is evidence of "obstruction of justice" took several hits this week when statements from Department of Justice personnel contradicted this premise. Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein said "I stand by my recommendation that Director Comey be fired. There were just too many instances in which he demonstrated failure and lack of adherence to clearly defined responsibilities. I was convinced that he was not and could not be an effective leader of the FBI." Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe rebutted the notion that Trump's action to fire Comey would...
  • Newspaper Calls for Stricter Censorship [semi-satire]

    05/19/2017 1:24:57 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Citing the "need to protect the more sensitive among us from the psychological damage of words that could be construed as offensive," the editors of the Washington Post urged that "we unwed ourselves from the notion that freedom of speech is a vital or even necessary feature of a civilized society." "The right of freedom of speech does not have a meaningful quantum of value to the average person," the editors wrote. "The average person continually must refrain from saying things that would offend an employer, spouse, or friend in order to interact harmoniously with the people closest to him....
  • More Abortions Needed to Fight Global Warming [semi-satire]

    05/19/2017 10:36:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Feminist icon Gloria Steinem made an impassioned plea for preserving and extending women's right to abortion, calling it "a powerful and necessary remedy in the fight against sexual injustice and global warming. Nothing is worse for the planet than more people. Interdicting the creation of more people is crucial if we are to avert a holocaust." As Steinem sees it, men force women into bearing children. "Considering the toll it takes on a woman's body, no woman in her right mind would willingly submit to childbirth," she contended. "Add to this the tremendous sacrifice of free time that must be...
  • Trump Gets Preferential Treatment in White House Dining Room [fake satire]

    05/14/2017 10:50:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Appalling repression in the White House dining room came to light when the media exposed the scandalous story of how President Trump gets more and better food than other diners. In a Time magazine article it was revealed that at White House dinners Trump gets Diet Coke (everyone else gets water), Trump gets Thousand Island dressing (everyone else gets vinaigrette), Trump gets two scoops of ice cream (everyone else gets one). CNN's Jeanne Moos saw this as "unjustifiable discrimination—the kind that makes you wonder whether Trump thinks he's king." In support of this theory, Moos cited the fact that "Vice-President...
  • Muslim Persecution in US Worse than ISIS Massacre of Christians [semi-satire]

    05/13/2017 3:33:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 May 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, ABC News political analyst Matthew Dowd challenged evangelist Franklin Graham’s concerns about the persecution of Christians around the globe, calling it “overblown. A far worse problem is the persecution of Muslims right here in the United States.” While the practice of Christianity is illegal in some Muslim countries and severely hampered in others, Muslims in the US openly attend mosques and pray in public without any officially sanctioned interference and little unofficial notice or impediments. While Muslim fanatics readily heed the Quran’s call to slaughter unbelievers who refuse to convert, there is no similar scriptural call for Christians...
  • Michelle Obama Assails School Lunch Deregulation [fake satire]

    05/13/2017 10:44:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Former First Lady Michelle Obama, the instigator of rules that led to massive trashing of school lunches across America, expressed her dismay at the Trump Administration's decision to allow local school authorities to select their own menus. "What is wrong with these people?" she wanted to know. "The menus crafted under my guidance were carefully balanced for the right combinations of nutritious food." Trump Administration Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the move, saying that "requiring schools to set out food that students won't eat accomplishes nothing. Rather than force everyone to conform to a standard that leads to waste...
  • Controversy Over Comey Dismissal [semi-satire]

    05/12/2017 11:40:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 May 2017 | John Semmens
    This week President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Democrats who previously had called for Comey's departure denounced the move. Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), Vice Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), contends that "it has thrown the nation into a real constitutional crisis. Here we have a man who should never have been allowed to be president act as if he is the president. Since Hillary Clinton won the popular vote it seems to me that any changes in the personnel in the Executive Branch ought to be approved by her before they are made." Rep. Maxine Waters...
  • ISIS Flag Added To ‘Coexist’ Stickers

    05/12/2017 11:15:58 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 24 replies
    U.S.—The Islamic State’s official flag has been added to the newest batch of the popular “Coexist” bumper stickers, and will be included in all future iterations of the famous graphic, sources confirmed Monday. The new logo depicts the flag protruding from the top of the peace sign that constitutes the letter “o” in the word as it proudly billows in the breeze. “We wanted our message of tolerance to include the guys who are hacking unbelievers’ heads off at an alarming rate,” a representative for the bumper sticker manufacturer told reporters. “Now even Islamic State fighters can coexist peacefully with...
  • Calvinist Health Insurance Company Declares All Conditions Pre-Existing

    05/11/2017 3:56:51 PM PDT · by SoFloFreeper · 45 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 5/10/17
    SANFORD, FL—A newly formed health insurance company owned by a group of devoted Calvinists announced that they will not cover any health condition, since every condition of humankind was pre-existing and established by sovereign God before the foundation of time. The company, Total Deductibility, states clearly in its bylaws that “pre-existing conditions may not be covered, which include every possible ailment and so-called ‘accident,’ all of which God foreknew and predestined to occur prior to the existence of the client’s policy, and time itself.” The firm was thrilled when the new GOP health care law, which drops the requirement to...
  • Reform of Presidential Pensions Proposed [semi-satire]

    05/08/2017 11:01:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) and Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) are planning to introduce legislation that would take a former president's other sources of income into account in determining the size of his or her pension. "Look, the $207,800 per year currently awarded to the nation's ex-presidents is there to ensure that someone who has served can live comfortably," Chaffetz argued. "However, as things currently stand, ex-presidents are cashing in when they retire. They write books and give speeches and make millions every year. The pension is tiny in comparison. What our bill would do is reduce the pension by the...
  • Surveillance State Ballooned Under Obama [semi-satire]

    05/07/2017 12:02:38 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration sought and obtained intelligence on thousands of Americans during 2016. Though the NSA is legally forbidden from directly spying on Americans and has temporary authority to conduct warrant-less searches of foreigners, during 2016 government officials conducted 30,355 searches seeking information about Americans and distributed over 3,000 reports with unredacted names of US citizens. U.S. intelligence officials confirmed the growth in queries about Americans, but declined to offer any justification on the grounds that being pressured to provide justification "would endanger national security. All the public needs to know is that the government has its own very strict...
  • After first 100 days, Clinton's approval rating soars to 91

    05/06/2017 4:31:53 PM PDT · by MNDude · 42 replies
    WASHINGTON D.C. -- As President Hillary Rodham Clinton completes the first 100 days of her young if eventful presidency, on Wednesday, Gallup released new poll showing that 91 percent of Americans saying they "strongly approve" of her job performance so far. Other remarkable results: 92 percent of Americans agreed with the statement: "We elected the right person president, THANK GOD!" and 99 percent of respondents strongly agreed with the statement, "Clinton's election is continued proof that American democracy is thriving." "She's unbelievably popular. We've never seen numbers like this," said Gallup CEO Jim Clifton. In further evidence of Clinton's popularity,...
  • Labour wins after Diane Abbott counts the votes [UK's Maxine Waters]

    05/06/2017 4:38:31 PM PDT · by Lorianne · 16 replies
    News Thump ^ | 05 May 2017
    Labour is expected to gain more than eighty million seats after Diane Abbott was asked to count the votes this morning. Speaking in that breathy, slightly creepy way she has, Abbott declared a huge landslide for Labour across the country – with the Conservatives and SNP facing ‘complete wipeout’ based on her figures. Labour is expected to gain more than eighty million seats after Diane Abbott was asked to count the votes this morning. Speaking in that breathy, slightly creepy way she has, Abbott declared a huge landslide for Labour across the country – with the Conservatives and SNP facing...
  • Dems Oppose Concealed Carry Reciprocity [semi-satire]

    05/06/2017 3:05:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Legislation backed by Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-Texas) and Rep. Richard Hudson (R-NC) known as “national concealed carry reciprocity,” would require states that issue permits allowing gun owners to carry concealed weapons to recognize such permits from other states. “The intent is to simplify the process for law-abiding gun owners when they travel to other states,” Cornyn said. “A gun permit issued by a state would be valid in other states just like a state-issued driver’s license.” Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va) announced his opposition, saying that “families have been torn apart by gun violence. Enough is enough. This tragic...
  • Pelosi Blames Pro-Lifers for Democrats' Defeat [semi-satire]

    05/06/2017 10:54:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    To the list of culprits allegedly responsible for the 2016 election results—Russians, Wikileaks, Comey, misogyny—House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) added pro-lifers. "We're kind of between a rock and a hard place on the abortion issue," Pelosi complained. "On the one hand, do we stand by progressive values and support a woman's inalienable right to terminate a pregnancy? Or do we take the politically expedient course of waffling on it? Many Democrats, including me, have successfully straddled the issue by proclaiming our personal opposition to abortion while still supporting it as a matter of public policy. I mean, I've never...