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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama

    11/22/2014 10:36:20 AM PST · by fantail 1952 · 52 replies
    The Daily Currant ^ | 11/17/2014 | Unknown
    The state of North Dakota has named a new publicly-owned landfill after President Barack Obama. In an overwhelming 35-10 vote, the state Senate advanced a bill naming a 650-acre site currently under construction after the nation’s 44th president. Governor Jack Dalrymple is expected to sign the measure into law Tuesday. When completed, the Barack Obama Memorial Landfill will be the largest waste disposal site in North Dakota, and the 17th largest in the United States. It will be especially rich in toxic waste from the local petroleum and medical industries. “We wanted to do something to honor the president,” says...
  • President Cites “Higher Authority” for Immigration Executive Order [satire]

    11/22/2014 8:11:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    In the face of nearly two dozen videos of him saying he lacked legal authority to unilaterally enact immigration reform, President Obama went ahead and did so, citing a “higher authority.” “As President of the United States, I felt myself hemmed in by the limitations placed on the office by the US Constitution,” Obama admitted. “As a human being, though, I could not bear the continuing injustice inflicted on the people who have entered this country illegally.” “My dilemma was how to reconcile the guidelines of an aging framework for a nation's government and the call of my conscience,” Obama...
  • President's Usurpation of Legislative Authority Hailed by Democrats [satire]

    11/21/2014 3:20:48 PM PST · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama's decision to enact immigration reform legislation that Congress has refused to enact inspired some lavish praise from fellow Democrats. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called it "a courageous first step. President Obama's determination to take a politically unpopular position so soon after voters elected a Republican dominated Congress stakes out new ground in the battle for control over the government and policy." "It's important that we build upon the President's innovation and transform our nation from the archaic plan of trying to extract policy from a fragmented legislative body, where no one has a mandate for governing,...
  • Congress eliminates child tax credit and EITC from tax code (Hoax)

    11/18/2014 8:53:03 PM PST · by 2ndDivisionVet · 60 replies
    The Richmond Voice ^ | November 18, 2014
    Congress has voted to remove the child tax credit, the earned income tax credit and the mortgage interest deduction from the tax code starting with the 2014 fiscal year. The move is almost assured to solidify the perception of the 113rd Congress of the United States as deeply disconnected from the struggles and desires of the populace it is supposed to serve. The move, long championed by entitlement reform advocates like congressman Paul Ryan R-Wisconsin and Ted Cruz R-Texas, will cut entitlement payouts by a staggering 177 billion dollars. 54.33 billion dollars in savings will be realized from discontinuing the...
  • Obama Says FCC Needs to Control Internet [satire]

    11/18/2014 9:37:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama is urging the Federal Communications Commission to exert more control over the Internet. “As it stands now, the whole web environment is chaotic and anarchic,” Obama observed. “Anyone can pretty much do whatever he wants. There is no perceived obligation to serve society’s broader needs.” For the time being, Obama disavowed his authority “to command this independent agency to extend its power over this medium. I am patiently waiting for them to do what they should. However, my patience is not infinite. I will act unilaterally if it becomes necessary that I do so to implement the change...
  • Existence of U. of Oregon Student Senator Miles Sisk Confirms Failure Of American Experiment

    11/17/2014 4:39:01 AM PST · by servo1969 · 8 replies
    Popehat.com ^ | 11-5-2014 | Ken White
    <p>"Pack it in, we're done here," snapped University of California Professor Emeritus James Clyden, who helped announce the scientists' findings at a grim press conference. "It's all on Canada's shoulders now," added Clyden, shuddering.</p> <p>"What is happening on these blogs is cyber-bullying and I believe that this is a crime. The people running these blogs are criminals,” Sisk said. “Frankly, I’m done with it.”</p>
  • [satire] Pelosi Claims Voters Distracted by Irrelevancies

    11/16/2014 8:35:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) adamantly denied that the trouncing her Democratic Party took at the polls last week constitutes a mandate for a different direction for government. “The problem is that our Party’s underlying message was drowned out by incessant GOP hammering on irrelevant crises and scandals,” she contended. “All the stories about ISIS beheadings, Ebola outbreaks, the flood of immigrants, IRS abuses, NSA spying, government waste and corruption masked the critical point that the Democratic Party is the Party of free stuff. Voters inundated by fears that their lives might be in danger, that their government might...
  • Gruber Apologizes for “Indelicate Phrasing” [satire]

    11/15/2014 9:47:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, the boastful architect of Obamacare, apologized for what he termed “my indelicate phrasing in defense of the Affordable Care Act. I should never have publicly called American voters ‘stupid.’ I sincerely regret that I have been caught on tape using this kind of language.” “However, this does not mean that the underlying concept behind this legislation was incorrect,” Gruber insisted. “The fact of the matter is that the average American isn’t fit to decide whether he needs health insurance or to choose a plan that is adequate for the collective well-being of society. Individuals left to...
  • This..Just In...from Ferguson [Satirical Parody]

    11/14/2014 5:01:47 PM PST · by MeshugeMikey · 116 replies
    MeshugeMikey ^ | November 14, 2014 | MeshugeMikey
  • Democrats Disagree over Executive Order for Amnesty [satire]

    11/14/2014 3:42:12 PM PST · by John Semmens · 23 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Outgoing Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is crosswise with President Obama over the proper sequence of events regarding amnesty for illegal immigrants. “I have implored the President to forestall taking any executive action to legalize these undocumented residents until after we get Republican cooperation on next year's budget,” Reid said. “My advice has been to get the money first. Then he can do whatever he wants on amnesty. There'd be no way the GOP could stop him.” Reid complained that “all my sensible arguments seem to be falling on deaf ears. The President says he doesn't need Congress to...
  • [satire] Obama Welcomes America’s First Transgender Baby to White House

    11/14/2014 1:26:02 PM PST · by GrandJediMasterYoda · 16 replies
    thedailyrash.com ^ | 11/14/14 | By Mark Donahue
    Obama Welcomes America’s First Transgender Baby to White House By Mark Donahue WASHINGTON – This afternoon top administration officials and celebrities joined President and Mrs. Obama in welcoming America’s first transgender baby to the White House. Eleven-month-old Hillary Rodham Carter is the youngest transgender to meet officially with a U.S. president. The president hosted a gender-neutral luncheon for the adorable transgender tot and its parents with an array of celebrity guests that included rapper Pitbull, 97-year-old actor Kirk Douglas, Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski and Barbra Streisand. Until a few weeks ago, Hillary Carter was William Jefferson “Billy” Carter, a...
  • Obamacare: Brought to you by Forrest Gruber (6 images)

    11/14/2014 10:31:07 AM PST · by The Looking Spoon · 11 replies
    CRASHR ^ | 11-14-14 | The Looking Spoon
    Big thanks to fellow Freeper killermosquito for the idea
  • Ten Hours of Princess Leia Walking in NYC [satire of Shoshana Roberts video]

    11/11/2014 5:29:19 PM PST · by grundle · 18 replies
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DCDYSJwwE4
  • Missouri police respond to Ferguson Protest Leadership’s ground rules

    11/10/2014 7:08:07 PM PST · by Beave Meister · 37 replies
    Call the Cops.net ^ | 11/10/2014
    Protest leaders from Ferguson have created a 19 point set of ground rules they expect police to follow. These rules are for when they re-start the riots after the Grand Jury makes a decision about charging officer Wilson in the death of Michael Brown. In response Missouri police have released 9 point set of rules for protestors 1. The first priority will be for protestors to remember “don’t break the law” 2. Protest leaders will communicate to all protesters the need for non-violence. Leaders will accept responsibility for any acts of violence any protesters engage in. 3. Protesters shall give...
  • The cause of the virus that 'makes humans more stupid' discovered...

    11/10/2014 4:56:59 PM PST · by The Looking Spoon · 21 replies
    CRASHR ^ | 11-10-14 | The Looking Spoon
    From The Independent A virus that infects human brains and makes us more stupid has been discovered, according to scientists in the US. Here's the virus at 10000x magnificationAnd here is the astounding result of it being grown in a Petri dish... :-D
  • IRS Admits It Didn’t Really Look for Lois Lerner’s “Lost” Emails [satire]

    11/10/2014 9:05:39 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    IRS Commissioner John Koskinen admitted that it didn’t exercise much effort to track down emails cited in an investigation of IRS abuses involving harassment of conservative political organizations. “Look, we were between a rock and a hard place,” Koskinen contended. “On the one hand, we have Congress and the Courts demanding we produce these documents. On the other hand, some very powerful and dangerous people were very determined that these documents never be found.” “If we defy Congress and the Courts the worst case scenario is we get held in contempt,” Koskinen pointed out. “It’s embarrassing. We look like crooks...
  • Landrieu off to Bad Start in Louisiana Runoff Election [satire]

    11/09/2014 8:13:25 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Incumbent Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) got off to a bad start in her desperate bid to hold onto her seat. In an attempt to characterize her Republican opponent Bill Cassidy as “unreliable” and “undependable,” Landrieu demanded to know what he had done to help the state recover from 2005’s Hurricane Katrina. Cassidy, an MD, responded that he had been working to provide medical aid to refugees of the storm. With help from friends and neighbors he and his physicians’ group set up an emergency treatment center in an abandoned K-Mart. Landrieu shruugged this off as “small potatoes. While my opponent...
  • Allow Me to Introduce You to... Liberal Chick

    11/09/2014 6:16:45 AM PST · by Kaslin · 55 replies
    Townhall.com ^ | November 9, 2014 | Doug Giles
    Elections bring out some weird critters, eh? Folks I’ve never seen in my neighborhood, as in ever, suddenly rock up at Whole Foods, pre-election, wearing a Statue of Liberty spiked crown and Borat’s thong, screaming at me to vote for weed to be legalized while I’m just trying to buy a pint of chicken noodle. Indeed, our elections have become an amazing amalgam of Anonymous auguring for anarchy; Paulbots looking for liberty, RuPaul stumping for trannies, Commies vying for tyranny and that fat, toothless black lady yapping for a free Obama phone, y’all! Truth be told, and I know it’s...
  • The $9 Billion Witness: Meet JPMorgan Chase's Worst Nightmare [Satire]

    11/08/2014 6:09:57 AM PST · by outinyellowdogcountry · 56 replies
    Rolling Stone ^ | November 6, 2014 | Matt Taibbi
    She tried to stay quiet, she really did. But after eight years of keeping a heavy secret, the day came when Alayne Fleischmann couldn't take it anymore. "It was like watching an old lady get mugged on the street," she says. "I thought, 'I can't sit by any longer.'" Fleischmann is a tall, thin, quick-witted securities lawyer in her late thirties, with long blond hair, pale-blue eyes and an infectious sense of humor that has survived some very tough times. She's had to struggle to find work despite some striking skills and qualifications, a common symptom of a not-so-common condition...
  • President Ready to Use Executive Action for Amnesty [satire]

    11/08/2014 5:52:12 PM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Though he did leave open the option of signing an amnesty bill passed by Congress, President Obama vowed to “go it alone if they don’t give me what I want.” New York politicians Senator Charles Schmer (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) endorsed using a Presidential Executive Order to accomplish immigration reform. “Even if a GOP controlled Congress were to pass an immigration reform bill it is bound to be cluttered with unessential, un-American add-ons like enhanced border security, deportation of criminals and the like,” Schumer warned. “These types of restrictions tarnish America as a beacon...
  • Satire: Congresswoman Proposes Barack Obama Sperm Bank

    11/08/2014 9:54:00 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) says she will introduce legislation that would establish a federally funded Barack Obama sperm bank in the upcoming "lame duck" session of Congress. She says she got the idea from a similar proposal to establish a Vladimir Putin sperm bank in Russia. "We can't afford to fall behind in what could turn out to be a critical competition to propagate the seed of the nation's best and brightest," Lee argued. "Granted, it would be decades before the offspring of President Obama's banked sperm could be expected to make a strategic difference, but if we fail...
  • Satire: Elected Black Republicans Called "Traitors to Their Race"

    11/07/2014 7:15:04 PM PST · by John Semmens · 33 replies
    Satire ^ | 7 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) neglected to include Rep. Mia Love (R-Utah) and Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) n its post-election congratulations to African-Americans who won their races. Cornell William Brooks, President and CEO of the NAACP, characterized the election of the Black conservatives as "more of a setback than an advancement for people of color. These two have bought the right wing propaganda that individual achievement, hard work, and honesty are the way a person gets ahead in this world. Unfortunately, every individually successful Black person dilutes our case for slavery reparations." Brooks predicted that...
  • Lib Chick: ‘Our Founder George Jefferson Would Not Approve of the GOP Voter Suppression Win’ satire

    11/05/2014 6:15:09 PM PST · by Impala64ssa · 80 replies
    Clash Daily ^ | 11/5/14
    Have you ever heard of George Jefferson? Apparently Liberal Chick missed out on History class. Listen to her angry rant about the GOP Midterm win. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.
  • 20 Delusions That Shape How Liberals Vote

    11/05/2014 5:44:44 PM PST · by Alex Baker · 14 replies
    RealityBatsLast ^ | Bryce Buchanan
    Consider the following 20 beliefs from the imaginary world where liberals live.  The “Affordable Care Act” will reduce the cost and increase the quality of health care, because if you want something done efficiently and economically, then you want unionized government bureaucracies to handle it.  We don’t have a spending problem  It is morally acceptable to borrow massive amounts of money from our grandchildren to support our own current consumption.  The 22 trillion dollars spent on the War on Poverty was quite successful in reducing the number of people in poverty.  The Social Security Program...
  • Dems Retain Senate, Administration: Strong Mandate for Continued Transformation

    11/03/2014 11:13:51 AM PST · by epluribus_2 · 15 replies
    MSNBC (satire/warning) | Nov 3rd | epluribus_2
    THIS IS ONLY AN MSNBC TEST OF BANNER PLACEMENT, schedule 5-Nov-2014 6:00 AM EST.
  • [Excerpted Satire/Gag piece] McDonald’s Drops $15.00 “Living” Wage Bomb

    11/03/2014 6:47:05 AM PST · by YankeeReb · 73 replies
    Universalfreepress News blog ^ | September 8, 2014 | Rlgrimes
    In a surprise move CEO Donald Thompson of McDonald’s Restaurants announced they had reached an agreement with the SEIU and would start paying its workers a “Living Wage” of $15.00 per hour the first of October. Mr. Thompson issued a press release stating, “As a company we realize we have been negligent in paying our employees a real living wage for the last 60 years, so in the spirit of social well-being, we have decided to comply with the wishes of the White House and the SEIU.” The Service Employees International Union spokesman, Seymour Pecunia, said that he “was very...
  • (Satire) Kerry May Be on Way Out at State

    11/03/2014 5:40:46 AM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) hints that Secretary of State John Kerry may be ousted sometime after the November elections are over. “At best, his performance at this job has been underwhelming,” Blumenthal asserted. “Many of his public statements evince a poor and almost dimwitted perception of the issues. He has grievously embarrassed both himself and President Obama.” Anonymous White House officials complain that “Kerry is out of sync with the Administration. It’s not so much a case of being wrong about the President’s policies as it is too openly expressing them. On issue after issue Kerry’s candor is repeatedly disclosing...
  • Woman's Car Invites Confusing Compliments

    11/02/2014 9:21:36 PM PST · by Mortimer St. Hubbins · 49 replies
    LarkNews.com ^ | November 2, 2014 | LarkNews
    FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Ever since 81-year-old Mae Hodges bought a used Volvo, “strange-looking people” have been approaching her around town to pay compliments. “They tell me, ‘Thank you for being a pioneer in our movement,’” Hodges says. “I have no idea what they mean.” The flow of appreciation began after she started driving the nondescript Volvo wagon, which bears several bumper stickers. One sticker shows a multi-colored flag, another a pink equal sign, both of which Hodges found “very cheery.” “I left them on the car because the bright colors remind me of my flower garden,” she says. “Bill used...
  • Hungry Howie’s CEO reveals company’s mascot is transgender (satire)

    11/02/2014 8:09:29 PM PST · by Impala64ssa · 12 replies
    SPRING HILL, Florida — In a startling announcement, the CEO of Hungry Howies Pizza announced that “Howie,” the official cartoon character mascot of the Detroit-based chain, has come out as transgender. “We all know and love Howie, all seen his goofy face for years, but hidden behind that hungry simpleton’s face was a lost soul going through a gender crisis,” CEO Burle Gander said. “Heather, as she would like to be called now, just wants to go on providing delicious pizza with fresh ingredients, without any discrimination.” Allegations from the LGBTQ community that the company is just revamping its image...
  • Satire: Top Democrat Says Republicans Scarier than Ebola, ISIS

    11/02/2014 2:50:29 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Democratic National Committee Woman, Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), agreed with CNN host Candy Crowley that Republicans are scarier than either the deadly Ebola virus or the ISIS terrorist army. “Bad as Ebola and ISIS, or ISIL as the President calls it, may be they have the saving grace of representing a nondiscriminatory threat to all Americans,” Wasserman-Schultz contended. “The depredations of the GOP are exclusively targeted against Democratic candidates and Democratic constituencies. If Republicans are successful in selling their message to the voters it will exclusively be Democrats who are turned out of office. It will be exclusively Democratic clienteles...
  • Satire: DOJ Declines to Investigate Emerging Evidence of Vote Fraud

    11/02/2014 8:19:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Recent reports of non-citizens voting, multiple voter registrations in different states for the same person, ballots cast by dead voters, and voting machines that flip votes from Republicans to Democrats are unworthy of further investigation, says US Attorney General Eric Holder. “First of all, there could be very good reasons why all of these alleged violations are bogus,” Holder declared. “For example, the notion that non-citizens shouldn’t be allowed to vote is, arguably, a human rights violation. Non-citizens are impacted by government policies. Why shouldn’t they have the right to participate in the selection of those who will make and...
  • Satire: Administration Bureaucrat Says Canceled Health Insurance an “Invitation”

    11/01/2014 8:51:35 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    As more and more people are bounced out of health insurance plans they liked, Health and Human Services Regional Director Joanne Grossie insisted on calling the cancellations “invitations to obtain better plans.” “A lot of times people will lapse into being satisfied with an inferior product or service out of pure inertia,” Grossie maintained. “By outlawing substandard policies the Affordable Care Act forces people to upgrade to better plans.” Grossie rejected the idea that a person might genuinely prefer a so-called substandard policy. “A single man might think he has no need to pay for coverage of gynecological services, maternity...
  • Satire: Republicans Manipulating Statistics for Political Gain

    11/01/2014 9:57:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Satire ^ | 31 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    In remarks this week, former President Bill Clinton denounced GOP attempts to "cash-in" on people's "misery" under Democratic policies and programs for "political gain." "Republicans want voters to focus on the lack of economic growth and the huge number of people who can't get jobs since Democrats took control of the federal government," Clinton complained. "They want voters to overlook the flip side of this coin. Expansion of benefit programs have made work unnecessary for a growing segment of the population. The increased amount of leisure time our policies have made possible doesn't show up in the statistics Republicans like...
  • Satire: NY Dems Warn Voters

    10/31/2014 11:56:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    The New York State Democratic Committee (NYSDC) has sent out letters to registered Party members warning them that they are being watched to see if they vote in this election. While the letter tried to assure the recipients that their ballots would be secret, it emphasized that “whether you vote is a matter of public record.” NYSDC Chairman, former New York Governor David Patrick, characterized the note as a “friendly reminder. The Democratic Party has done its part to secure a lot of benefits for these people. It’s only fair that they do their share to help keep the cash...
  • Satire: Ebola Czar Said to Be "Leading by Example"

    10/31/2014 7:32:01 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Since he was appointed as President Obama's "Ebola Czar," Ron Klain has disappeared from sight. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest tried to reassure the media, saying that "I recognize that all of you have not had a chance to see him and talk to him every day, but the President certainly has." Klain's exceptionally "low profile" is "all according to plan," Earnest said. "Ron is leading by example. The best way not to get the disease is by scrupulously avoiding contact with anyone who might be infected. By staying out of sight and not venturing forth to meet anyone for...
  • 10 Potential Halloween costumes for Obama:

    10/30/2014 5:15:20 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 19 replies
    CRASHR ^ | 10-30-14 | The Looking Spoon
    1. Craptain Duhmerica 2. General Jackass 3. Supersham 4. The Dork Knight 5. President Evil 6. Jerkel 7. The Fresh Prince of Bill Ayers 8. Many-lies the Clown 9. An America-punishing baby 10. A REAL president
  • Pope solemnly defines evolution as article of the faith (Note: this is satire)

    10/29/2014 3:23:51 PM PDT · by Zionist Conspirator · 20 replies
    Self | 10/29/'14 | Zionist Conspirator
    For only the second time in history since it was formally defined, Pope Francis has invoked papal infallibility in order to restate the Catholic Church's two most ancient, unchanging, and distinctive doctrines: evolution and a non-literal interpretation of Genesis (which was totally written by stone age savages, by the way). Invoking the apparations of Our Lady Queen of Higher Criticism, the Pope stated: While the ordinary magisterium from the very day of the Church's founding 1,981 years ago this past April has been most clear and constant, nevertheless we are most grieved at the dissemination of the "Errors of Alabama,"...
  • This cartoon IS the liberal ideology and attitude toward government in a nutshell...

    10/28/2014 5:23:20 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 2 replies
    CRASHR ^ | 10-28-14 | The Looking Spoon
    Sure, this can be true of all politics, but ideologically this epitomizes every idea crammed down America’s throat by liberalism.
  • A Satire of Recent News, October 26, 2014 Edition

    10/24/2014 4:41:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Amnesty Needed for "Shared Prosperity" Labor Secretary Thomas Perez reassured the National Press Club that amnesty for illegal immigrants will be forthcoming after the mid-term elections. "Right now, it would be too risky for the President to declare the kind of big and bold legalization of the millions of undocumented persons in this country that everyone agrees is desperately needed," Perez said. "The Republicans would use such an action to hammer Democrats running in Congressional races. Once the elections are past, though, there will be nothing anyone can do to impede this reform." Granting legal status to the millions of...
  • Consoling Disease Concerns [CDC Brochure]

    10/23/2014 7:45:41 PM PDT · by OneWingedShark · 13 replies
    Self ^ | 23 Oct 14 | OneWingedShark
    Isn't it about time we heard from the CDC on things, well here's "Consoling Disease Concerns: Happiness and Sunshine" to cheer you up as we face Ebola! Link
  • Pelosi Agrees With President On Travel Ban (satire)

    10/23/2014 6:49:56 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 10-23-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    Today, Nancy Pelosi announced her support for the President's rejection of a travel ban for West African nations experiencing the Ebola epidemic. Pelosi explained her support for rejection of the travel ban because of the jobs Ebola saved or created in the U.S. She pointed out that for every Ebola patient 50 medical personnel were required for their treatment. Additionally, thousands of dollars of supplies and medicines and wrist band thingies were required for each patient. Pelosi stated that although unemployment was good for the encomomy, an Ebola epidemic had the possibility setting the economy on fire. If the EPA...
  • Satire: NIH Deflects Criticism of Spending Priorities

    10/21/2014 9:35:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    GOP critics of government priorities in how tax dollars are spent have latched onto the National Institutes of Health investment in studying why lesbians are fat as a sign of the agency’s poor judgment. Rep. Michael McCaul (R-Tex) says “the more we learn about the decisions made by this Administration, the worse it sounds. Back in 2008 the incoming Obama Administration was advised that it should take stronger measures against a possible Ebola pandemic. Instead, they divert scarce resources to studies like this.” NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins defended the allocation of resources. “The number of obese lesbians in this...
  • Good Green Government [EPA Brochure]

    10/21/2014 8:35:49 AM PDT · by OneWingedShark · 10 replies
    Self | 21 Oct 14 | OneWingedShark
    Isn't it amazing how wonderful the EPA is? Well here's a brochure detailing just how they're improving your life with their green policies! Link
  • Satire: Guatemalan President Blames US for Illegal Immigration from His Country

    10/20/2014 10:23:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Guatemalan President Otto Perez says the recent influx of illegal immigration to the US from Central American nations is America’s fault. “Look, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvadore are veritable cesspools,” Perez admitted. “Who wouldn’t want to leave? Compare this to welfare obtainable in the United States if you are poor and you have a strong motivation to try to get there. With President Obama’s open border policies its practically an invitation to make the arduous journey north.” As an alternative to mass migration, Perez suggested that “more generous foreign aid to our counties in the south could dampen the need for...
  • Satire: First Lady Frustrated in Efforts to Motivate Democrat Voters

    10/19/2014 11:02:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    First Lady Michelle Obama showed signs of increasing impatience with the Democrats’ voter base in her efforts to drum up enthusiasm for the Party’s candidates. “Too many of the voters who helped put Barack in office seem to be asleep at the wheel for these mid-term races,” she complained. Michelle speculated that “poor diet may play an even bigger role than we thought. I mean, if a person is overweight feasting on junk food, getting up to go to the polls and vote may be too daunting a task. We’ve done all we could to try to eliminate impediments to...
  • Satire: Houston Persists in Effort to Stifle Speech

    10/18/2014 12:15:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Though the City of Houston has backed off its demand for local area ministers to submit copies of their Sunday sermons to the City’s attorneys, it is now demanding copies of any non-sermon speeches they may have made. Mayor Annise Parker, Houston’s first openly lesbian mayor, defended this blatant invasion of freedom of speech, arguing that “Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) is the law of this land. No one is entitled to speak out against the law, especially not church leaders.” “Churches have special exemptions from government taxes,” Parker pointed out. “As a quid-pro-quo for this benefit they ought to...
  • Satire: Troops Being Deployed to Ebola Zone Get Skimpy Training

    10/18/2014 9:08:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    The US troops President Obama has ordered into West Africa to help in the battle against Ebola are receiving a scant 4 hours of training about the virus. Soldiers who have had the training have characterized it as "frightening." "We will be exposed with minimal protective gear." "If you get it you'll probably die a horrible death." "It's far worse than getting shot or even blown up." United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) spokeswoman Caree Vander-Linden insisted that the skimpy training was "appropriate for the mission. We're basically trying to warn the troops to be cautious,...
  • Satire: President Dispatches Seasoned Political Operatives to Stem Ebola Crisis

    10/18/2014 12:36:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 29 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama took decisive action on the growing Ebola crisis this week by appointing two well-traveled political operatives to key roles. On the national front, he named Ron Klain his special Ebola Czar. At the same time, he tabbed Adrian Saenz to manage events on the ground in Dallas—site of America's “patient zero.” The fact that neither man has any expertise in any medical field, much less in infectious diseases, took many observers by surprise. Republican Senator Jerry Moran of Kansas called the appointments “puzzling. When I called for the naming of an Ebola czar I thought the fact that...
  • Ebola Not Contagious Until After Nov. 4 Election, Says CDGC

    10/16/2014 1:09:25 PM PDT · by tcrlaf · 18 replies
    People's Cube ^ | 10-16-2014 | Nomenklatura-climber
    The USSA’s Center for Disease and Gun Control has announced that the State will not impose any travel restrictions due to the Ebola outbreak until after the November 4 elections to ensure that all workers and peasants can have free access to ballots and polling places during this critical struggle for Progress. Comrade Disease Director Thomas Frieden has declared that Ebola is only ‘semi-transmittable’ and therefore only official Party-certified doctors can actually impose quarantines on an as-needed basis. In the meantime, those who believe they are exhibiting symptoms, while not contagious until after the November 2 elections, are asked to...
  • ISIS releases snippet of new Nickelback single, threaten to unleash full song if demands not met

    10/16/2014 8:44:03 AM PDT · by mbarker12474 · 18 replies
    Israeli Daily online new (spoof) ^ | 16 october 2014 | Chris Peacock Israeli Daily spoof
    ISIS releases snippet of new Nickelback single, threaten to unleash full song if demands not met by Chris Peacock Today, a senior ISIS Public Retaliations Officer and the organisation’s Chief Torturer Abu-Hassan bin-harem announced that a new kind of warfare may soon be on our hands. “We have recently obtained a new type of weapon. Our Long-Acoustic Range Device (LARD) is capable of damage beyond anyone’s wildest imagination.” It has been confirmed that the militant group is referring to Nickelback’s new song titled Edge of a Revolution; a song so awful that it is crippling and at times even lethal....