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Keyword: satire

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  • Feminist Hero Refuses To Let Fireman Carry Her From Burning Building [satire]

    04/24/2017 5:32:21 PM PDT · by NRx · 46 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 04-24-2017 | Staf
    HELL’S KITCHEN, NY—A woman is being heralded as a feminist icon after refusing to let a male firefighter carry her out of a burning building. The woman burned to death several minutes later, sources confirmed. According to FDNY firefighters, the woman was spotted in the living room of her home, which had become engulfed in flames. Immediately, one of New York’s bravest charged through the the front door to rescue the helpless woman. But what happened next will go down in the history books. As the fireman reached out to pick up the woman and carry her to safety, she...
  • Trump Just one of Dozens Spied on by Obama [semi-satire]

    04/23/2017 5:18:51 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    A long list of individuals and organizations subjected to surveillance by the Obama Administration was cited by former National Security Adviser Susan Rice as "proof I did nothing wrong." The list included Former U.S. Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif), Pro-Israel lobbyists, FBI contractor and whistleblower Shamai Leibowitz, Tea-party groups, WikiLeaks, New York Times reporter James Risen, NSA whistleblower Thomas Drake, Fox News reporter James Rosen, CBS reporter Sharyl Attkisson, former U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), Fox News reporter Mike Levine, ATF Special Agent John Dodson, former CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus, Associated Press reporters, Benghazi whistleblowers, President Obama's vice chair of...
  • Sean Spicer Replaced (Satire)

    04/23/2017 4:49:16 PM PDT · by kjam22 · 15 replies
    humor | 4-23-17 | kjam22
    (AP) Washington: The Trump White House announced today that embattled Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, has accepted a new position within the administration. Mr. Spicer will become the deputy assistant to US Ambassador to the U.N., Niki Haley. Spicer said he looks forward to the transition and is confident working with various leaders from all over the world will be much less stressful than holding the daily press conferences he has been subjected to in the first 100 days of the Trump Presidency. The White House also announced Spicer's replacement for White House Press Secretary. Bill O'Reilly has accepted the position...
  • Dean Asserts that “Hate Speech Is Not Protected by the First Amendment” [semi-satire]

    04/23/2017 11:13:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, former Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean expressed his alarm that author Ann Coulter has not been effectively silenced by the University of California at Berkeley. Initially, the University forbade Coulter from speaking on campus citing the event as “dangerous.” After Coulter took steps to go ahead without the University’s official approval Dean became irate. “Coulter is notorious for rejecting the mainstream consensus on immigration, Muslims, taxes, welfare, you name it,” Dean maintained. “Her jibes are so venomous as to generate ridicule for those who hold opposing views. Clearly, she hates liberals and the victims we...
  • Trump sells California to Mexico

    04/22/2017 1:38:01 PM PDT · by sodpoodle · 64 replies
    confidential | 4/22/2017 | self
    WASHINGTON (AP) - at 12:15pm today President Trump disclosed that he has reached an agreement with Enrique Pena Nieto, President of Mexico, which provides for the sale of substantially all of the State of California to the country of Mexico. President Trump noted that this deal, which he claims "is his largest real estate deal ever" is a win-win for everyone involved. One of the benefits he says he will highlight during a prime time address from the oval office later this evening, will include using the proceeds received by the US from Mexico to 1) pay for the Wall...
  • Study of Animal Penises Called “Crucial to Solving World’s Problems” [semi-satire]

    04/22/2017 1:08:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Patricia Brennan, a visiting lecturer at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, who spent nearly $400,000 of taxpayer dollars studying duck penises has become a spokesperson in opposition to Trump’s proposed cuts to funding studies like hers. One of the research topics likely to be cut off from tax-funding is her current project to study whale penises. She is eager to examine a recently acquired an orca penis. “It’s enormous!” she exclaimed. “It takes up an entire lab sink. The very idea that Congress might not fund a thorough investigation of this extraordinary specimen is criminal. In order for us to...
  • Murderer Demands Release as "Reparation for Slavery" [semi-satire]

    04/22/2017 9:43:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Kori Ali Muhammad, the man under arrest for four murders, demanded he be released as "reparation for slavery. Whites enslaved millions of blacks and killed thousands of them. The four white men I shot can't begin to balance the scales of justice. I need to be free to continue my work to even the score." His initial victim was Carl Williams, an unarmed security guard at a Motel 6 in Fresno, California. Muhammad claimed this killing was additionally justified because "he disrespected my right as a Muslim to consummate the sex for which I had paid a resident at the...
  • Communist Surges in French Election [semi-satire]

    04/21/2017 4:53:31 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Jean-Luc Mélenchon, the joint candidate of the French Communist Party and the Unbowed France political movement, is surging in the polls following his pledge to "raise taxes on the rich to 100% and gut the goose that lays the golden eggs for the benefit of the working class." "The idea that anyone has the right to withhold anything from the people and their representative, the state, is a pernicious doctrine we must exterminate," Mélenchon said. "For too long progressives have held back from this obvious truth and solution to society's problems. When everything is thrown into the common pot and...
  • Gullible Huffington Post Falls for Hoax Article Calling for White Men to be Stripped of Voting

    04/17/2017 2:40:16 PM PDT · by Boomer · 30 replies
    Heat Street ^ | April 16, 2017 | By Ian Miles Cheong
    The Huffington Post’s recent publication of a blog post proposing stripping white men of their right to vote sparked widespread anger across social media. The editors initially defended the piece, titled “Could It be Time to Deny White Men the Franchise?” They even crowed about how much traffic it was getting and mocked readers for complaining, before suddenly reversing their decision and deleting the post over the weekend.
  • Investigation of IRS Targeting Called "Risky" [semi-satire]

    04/17/2017 8:58:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Lois Lerner, the IRS official implicated in the agency's illegal targeting of conservative groups for discriminatory treatment, came out strongly against the suggestion by House Republicans Rep. Peter Roskam (R-Ill) and Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Texas) that the Department of Justice look into the matter. "The reopening of an incident occurring five years ago will only stir up unnecessary interest in something that cannot be undone," Lerner pleaded. "The animosity that will be unfairly directed at me for misdeeds perpetrated by subordinates without my knowledge is risky. It would expose me to harassment and possible harm without really righting any of...
  • 5 Huma Abedin Classics You Won’t Want to Miss

    04/16/2017 11:07:46 AM PDT · by kevcol · 17 replies
    Washington Free Beacon ^ | April 13, 2017 | Matthew Walther and Andrew Kugle
    When it was reported recently that Huma Abedin was seeking $2 million for a book advance, you probably didn't realize that she was already a major author with five well-reviewed titles to her credit. While none of us can wait for the next one, here are some paperbacks to tide you over in the meantime.
  • Editor Says Sweden’s Economy Needs More Immigrants[semi-satire]

    04/16/2017 9:59:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Åsa Linderborg, the editor of Sweden’s Aftonbladet newspaper, contends that “Sweden’s economy would collapse without illegal immigrants. The influx of large contingents of these people creates extra demand for housing and welfare. This helps support the building trades and social workers, not to mention stimulating Swedes to work longer hours to pay the taxes needed to fund these benefits. Even the violence springing from these unassimilated new residents provides jobs for police, firemen, hospitals, morticians, and insurance adjusters.” The fact that few of these new immigrants have jobs—only 500 of 2015’s 160,000 immigrants are employed—was dismissed by Linderborg as irrelevant....
  • Biased Media Tougher on Democrats, Clinton Operative Says [semi-satire]

    04/15/2017 2:47:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, former Hillary Clinton spokeswoman Jennifer Palmeri agreed that media bias exists, but maintained that “this makes it tougher on Democrats.” “Look, when CNN or the New York Times portray Republicans as the scum they are the bar is set comfortably low,” She argued. “All any Republican has to do to rise above the bar is: nothing. The mere absence of the usual crime, corruption and depravity puts them in a more positive light than they really deserve.” “The bar is set much higher for Democrats,” Palmeri said. “We are expected to deliver all-star caliber performances on a daily...
  • Anti-Abortion Midwife Loses Case [semi-satire]

    04/15/2017 7:30:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    A Swedish court ruled that the government's refusal to permit Ellinor Grimmark to practice her trade as a midwife "did not violate her freedom of opinion and expression." Judge Bebi Mordare ruled that government authorities were "within their rights to reject Ms. Grimmark's privilege of conducting her trade in defiance of regulatory standards. Blocking her from her employment does not infringe on her freedom to hold or express her opinions about abortion." "The regulators have established professional standards that require all midwives to perform abortions if that is what the patient wishes," Mordare observed. "Ms. Grimmark's contention that she should...
  • Merkel Explains Terror Policy [semi-satire]

    04/14/2017 10:27:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Facing a tough reelection campaign, German Chancellor Angela Merkel struggles to convince voters that her open borders approach to Muslim immigrants hasn't been a disaster. In an interview published in a German magazine this week she insisted "we will never accept terror." Some of her critics have contended that "admitting millions of Muslims is a defacto acceptance of terror." Merkel rebuffed this criticism, saying that "last year only 22 Germans were murdered by Islamic immigrants. In a population of 80 million this is a minuscule casualty rate. Considering that the fear of being attacked by Islamic fanatics has deterred many...
  • Pentagon awards contract to United Airlines to forcibly remove Assad

    04/11/2017 2:11:50 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 27 replies
    duffelblog.com ^ | 4/11/2017 | Paul Sharpe
    WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced Tuesday it had awarded a sole-source contract to United Airlines for work related to the forcible removal of President Bashar al-Assad from Syria. The contract, worth $2.1 billion, tasks the airline company with locating Assad, grabbing him from his seat in the presidential palace, and “dragging him out of Damascus by his arms.” The contract also notes that Assad should be “asked several times, politely” to give up his seat of power, though if he refuses, United workers should bloody his nose up a bit, according to the posting at FedBizOpps. The award comes just...
  • Audit of HUD Uncovers $500 Billion Errors [semi-satire]

    04/11/2017 10:51:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    In a bid to improve procedures and results at the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), incoming Secretary Ben Carson asked for an audit of past spending. He was stunned by the finding that there were accounting mistakes amounting to more than $500 billion. "I expected to discover numerous problems, but the magnitude of the mess exceeded my wildest estimates," Carson said. "Whether this is the result of incompetence or fraud or both remains to be sorted out." The Obama Administration Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro chided his successor for "going backward rather than forward....
  • Evolving Views on Crime [semi-satire]

    04/10/2017 9:09:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Rep. Maxine Waters told MSNBC News' Chris Hayes that President Trump and Fox News host Bill O'Reilly "need to go to jail." Their offense: disrespect toward women. "If you will recall, during last year's presidential campaign Donald Trump was caught on tape bragging about molesting women," Waters said. "Later on a secret dossier revealed that he paid prostitutes to urinate on a bed that President Obama had slept on when he visited Moscow. In a just world this kind of behavior would be a crime. I'm hoping that after he is impeached he will go to prison for these misogynistic...
  • Penalties Proposed for "Fake News" [not even-close-to-satire]

    04/09/2017 6:37:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Frustrated with its inability to control the narrative in our current age of abundant social media, the Merkel Regime has decided to fine media firms that allow false news on their platforms. The penalty can range as high as $50 million for an offense the government determines is "dangerously out-of-step with accepted views." German Justice Minister Heiko Maas lamented that "unconstrained free speech has unleashed an avalanche of uniformed and anti-social messages being posted on FaceBook and Twitter. The proof of the danger is the fact that an unhinged Donald Trump was able to exploit Twitter to foment disrespect for...
  • Breaking News: FBI Uncovers Evidence That 62 Million Trump Voters are All Russian Agents

    04/09/2017 10:48:28 AM PDT · by Beave Meister · 56 replies
    NYFeed.org ^ | 4/7/2017 | NYFeed
    Anonymous sources within the FBI have revealed to The Times that they have new evidence indicating that everyone who voted for Donald Trump is an agent of the FSB (formerly the KGB). An unknown portion of these voters may have had their minds controlled by a Russian space-beam, agents close to the investigation say. The allegation that 62 million Americans appear to be employed by Russian intelligence services has rocked the Bureau, and it is reported that multiple agents have taken their own lives, given that realizing just how deep this Russian hacking conspiracy runs blew their minds – literally....