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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Obama's Fabulous Farewell Fantasy [semi-satire]

    01/16/2017 9:38:19 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    In the midst of his lengthy farewell address, outgoing President Barack Obama averred that "one of my proudest accomplishments has been that there have been no Islamic terror attacks on my watch." A key to this accomplishment has been the clever reclassification of murders committed by self-professed jihadis as "other types of crimes." The murder of 13 unarmed soldiers at Fort Hood in Texas in November 2009 by a Muslim praising Allah during the shooting spree was characterized as "workplace violence" by the Obama Administration. The detonation of a bomb killing three and maiming dozens at the Boston Marathon by...
  • Fake Scandal Fails to Take Down Trump [semi-satire]

    01/15/2017 10:24:07 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    A bogus dossier alleging that Donald Trump paid Russian prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed in Moscow has not had the impact that Trump’s enemies had hoped. The scheme hatched by CNN came unraveled when the Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper denied that the salacious document was prepared by any member of the U.S. Intelligence Community. Despite the lack of any evidence to support the mystery dossier’s claims, CNN went public with “news of” the “existence” of such a report hoping to insinuate enough dirt to damage the incoming administration while preserving its “journalistic integrity” by not actually...
  • Celeb Calls for Military Coupe to Avert Trump Presidency [semi-satire]

    01/14/2017 1:09:33 PM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Comedian/actor Rosie O'Donnell urged President Obama to order military rule "to prevent the inevitable tyranny Donald Trump will impose on America." O'Donnell's panic takes her long-running public feud with Trump over the edge into total madness. "A person who has shown no respect for me or the other members of the entertainment world has no business being the president of our country," she argued. "Sane Americans revere us for all we do to entertain and educate them. That Donald Trump doesn't is a slap-in-the-face to all the fans who pay to see us perform. He has insulted us all and,...
  • Obama Orders Cuban Escapees Sent Back [semi-satire]

    01/14/2017 9:22:14 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    In his last week before leaving office, President Barack Obama overturned a 50-year US Government policy of allowing Cuban refugees who reach our shores to remain in the country. In contrast to the "dreamers" that Obama has declared must not be sent back to Mexico even though they entered the United States illegally, Cubans arriving without visas will be expelled. "Refugees from Mexico have a legitimate reason for coming to America," Obama said. "Their country's economy isn't providing sufficient jobs or benefits to support their survival. Cubans don't face this kind of hardship. Their government is dedicated to ensuring social...
  • DOJ Inspector General to Probe FBI [semi-satire]

    01/13/2017 6:15:33 PM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Department of Justice Inspector General Michael Horowitz announced "an in-depth probe of the strange pre-election day behavior of FBI Director James Comey. Despite the Attorney General's clear wishes that there be no investigation or prosecution of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Comey, who is subordinate to the AG, took it upon himself to issue a public statement announcing a reopening of such an investigation barely a week before the election. This insubordination had the effect of undermining Mrs. Clinton's campaign." "Everyone thought the message had gotten through to Comey when the FBI was denied subpoena powers to compel testimony,"...
  • Vince McMahon to perform “Stand Back” at Trump inauguration (SATIRE)

    01/11/2017 7:36:44 AM PST · by Ciaphas Cain · 10 replies
    Kayfabe News ^ | January 10, 20-7
    United States President-Elect Donald Trump announced via Twitter this morning that his Jan. 20 inauguration will feature WWE mogul Vince McMahon performing his 1987 smash-hit “Stand Back.” Although McMahon has not performed the song live since the 37th Annual Slammy Awards in 1987, he agreed to sing it in Washington because his wife Linda, an appointee of the Trump administration, told him to. The song is ostensibly a tribute to the late Andre the Giant, but Trump tweeted that it is “really about being a winner, and believe me, I’m a winner, bigly.” According to Washington insiders, the performance will...
  • Senator Has Concerns About Education Nominee [semi-satire]

    01/09/2017 9:27:11 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA), ranking Democrat on the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee expressed doubts about the fitness of President-Elect Donald Trump's nominee for Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos. "I appreciate that Ms. DeVos took the time to meet with me, I can't say that I would have done the same had our roles been reversed," Murray declared. "At our meeting she did nothing to allay my fears that she would continue to be an advocate for school choice. This pernicious ideology is founded on the absurd premise that individual parents ought to have the biggest say in...
  • Senator Warns Trump [semi-satire]

    01/08/2017 9:29:47 PM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) warned President-Elect Donald Trump that "he's entering dangerous waters when he criticizes our intelligence community. Has he forgotten that the CIA has toppled dozens of governments around the world? Has he forgotten what they did to President Kennedy after he vowed to break up the Agency following the Bay of Pigs fiasco?" "I have my differences with Donald, but I wouldn't want to see him get his head blown off," Schumer said. "He needs to accept that there are limits to what he can do when he deals with these trained assassins." if you...
  • Precious Moments Releases Limited-Edition Figurines Depicting Violent Conquest Of Canaan

    01/08/2017 5:45:52 PM PST · by Gamecock · 103 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 1/6/2016
    CARTHAGE, MO—The popular line of cutesy Precious Moments figurines is getting a long-awaited addition with an upcoming “Conquest of Canaan” series of collectibles, sources confirmed Friday. The figures will include iconic events from the momentous time in Israel’s history, including the circumcision of all Jewish males encamped at Gilgal, the slaughter of the wicked inhabitants of Jericho, and the stoning of the deceitful pillager Achan. “We wanted to depict some of the bloody, violent bits of the Bible in an adorable way,” a Precious Moments representative said as she showed off a collectible set of the five corpses of the...
  • Senate Rejects Dem Proposal to Require 60 Votes to Repeal Obamacare [semi-satire]

    01/08/2017 10:02:40 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    A move by Democrats to reestablish a rule that would require a minimum of 60 votes for any legislation to pass the Senate was repulsed by a 52-48 straight party line vote. Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, recent vice-presidential running mate of Hillary Clinton, sponsored the 60 vote requirement and called the GOP's stance against it "unfair. For decades it had been the tradition in the Senate to permit the minority party to block legislation that couldn't obtain a super majority. Now just because former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) eliminated this tradition when Democrats held the majority in the...
  • Kerry Mocks Peace-Mongers Abroad and at Home [semi-satire]

    01/07/2017 8:38:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry blamed former United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron and British members of parliament for thwarting President Obama’s plan to intervene in the Syrian civil war and confront the Russians. “When the President of the United States has decided for war you’d think our so-called allies would stand with us,” Kerry asserted. “However, a gutless Prime Minister Cameron insisted on getting his parliament’s approval before joining us in an attack. Well, parliament wouldn’t go along. President Obama was so miffed at this betrayal that he called the whole thing off. In hindsight, he probably should...
  • Assange Mocks Podesta [semi-satire]

    01/06/2017 10:40:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    The Wikileaks publication of a raft of embarrassing emails hacked from Clinton Campaign Chairman John Podesta may have undermined Hillary's chances to be elected president. For his part, Podesta has complained loudly about presumed Russian involvement, claiming that "intelligence sources say only the Russians have the kind of sophisticated techniques required." Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks, refuted Podesta's claim saying that "a fourteen-year-old could've hacked Podesta's email account. His password was 'password.' His email could hardly have been less secure." Podesta labeled Assange's assertion "grossly misleading. My password wasn't 'password.' It was 'passw0rd' with a zero. The chance that some...
  • Man Tortured in Anti-Trump Protest [semi-satire]

    01/06/2017 7:09:56 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    An 18-year-old mentally challenged man was tortured for two days by Black Lives Matter-inspired criminals as "a protest against the racist Trump Administration." Four Chicago millenials—Jordan Hill, 18, Tesfaye Cooper, 18, Brittany Covington, 18, and Tanishia Covington, 24 beat, kicked, burned, and cut their victim while shouting "f*** Trump" and "f*** white people." Members of the leftist media at CNN and NBC were hesitant to judge the perpetrators too harshly. NBC News correspondent Ron Mott said "this incident strikes me as an example of youthful stupidity rather than a crime, per se. They posted a video of their interactions with...
  • The Last Party (satire)

    01/04/2017 6:33:40 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    1/4/17 | RetiredTexasVet
    The last party of the Obama Administration at the White House will be on the 17th of January 2017 with a wide variety of Hollywood, sports, entertainment, MSM, political, and other self-important elites. The idea for "The Last Party" came out of a statement by Moo in her interview with Oprah. Moo whined that since Trump had won the election, she knew what it was like to "have no hope". Oprah, thinking that the VP, Slow Joe Biden was part of the staff, ordered him to round up all the "H", "O", "P", and "E" keys from all the computers...
  • Culture In Which All Truth Is Relative Suddenly Concerned About Fake News (Babylon Bee)

    01/03/2017 9:53:44 PM PST · by Ciaphas Cain · 10 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 3rd, 2017
    U.S.—Sources from within the United States confirmed Tuesday that American society, while typically rejecting concepts like absolute truth and objective moral standards, is suddenly showing grave concern for the rise of fabricated news stories after a reported uptick in fake news during the recent election season. One Oregon man, who rejects the idea that humanity can even be sure the universe exists in any meaningful sense, was nonetheless disturbed by the idea that websites could publish completely false information, for anyone in the world to read. “It’s just absolutely wrong, in my opinion,” said the man who doesn’t believe in...
  • Obama Blames Russia for Exposing Anti-Israel Move [semi-satire]

    01/02/2017 6:16:05 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Jan 2017 | John Semmens
    With a rash of news stories popping up contradicting the Obama Administration's denial that the recent UN vote against Israeli settlements was, in fact, organized and led by Administration officials, President Obama charged the Russians with "once again exposing communications that were intended to remain private." One of these "private communications" entailed Secretary of State John Kerry's meeting with senior Palestinian diplomat Saeb Erekat to coordinate strategy for advancing the UN censure of Israel. Another was Vice President Joe Biden's phone call pressuring Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko to vote for the censure. "The revelation of official matters intended to remain...
  • Breaking: Rolling Stones Guitarist Keith Richards Found Still Alive!!! (satire but true)

    12/28/2016 5:01:29 AM PST · by God luvs America · 44 replies
    New Roman Times ^ | 12/27/2017
    WESTON – In a startling development for the Rock n Roll community, world famous Rolling Stones guitarist and songwriter Keith Richards was found alive on Wednesday. Crew members said they found his animated body sitting beside an amp, picking at a guitar and murmuring some incomprehensible melody. Shocked but elated, the roadies took Richards back to the dressing rooms and covered his old broken body with designer scarves and skull rings. “It’s astounding” said longtime Rolling Stones roadie Steve Kruger, “to find him in this state is…well, it’s unexpected to say the least.” Richards, the grizzly-faced guitarist long thought to...
  • Obama - A Turd In The Punch Bowl (satire)

    12/27/2016 6:16:56 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    12/27/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    As His Arrogance will soon leave office he had stated that he would stay in the DC area so his daughter could finish high school. In keeping with his past of psychopathic lying and deception, he will really remain in the DC area to form a group of whiny Progressive b!tches to oppose Trump. Previously, we had Carter periodically escape the attendants and offer the comments of a witless anti-Semitic fool on things which he had no understanding. Slick Willy, was at home banging bimbos until Benghazi ran for president. But Slick was so addled and ate up with syphilis...
  • 40 Percent of Young Adults Living with Parents/Grandparents [semi-satire]

    12/26/2016 3:16:00 PM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The number of millennials who have not moved out of their parents or grandparents homes has climbed to a 75-year high of 40 percent. The high-water mark for young people “failing to launch” was set during the Great Depression. Its duplication after eight years of Obama Administration policies is seen by some as a poor legacy for the outgoing chief executive. One who doesn’t see it that way is President Obama. “The Republicans do a lot of talking about family values, but it has been my policies that have brought succeeding generations under the same roof,” he boasted. “The whole...
  • Actress Recants Abortion Wish [semi-satire]

    12/26/2016 9:17:22 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    After expressing regrets that she had never had the opportunity to get an abortion, Lena Dunham, actress and producer of the pornographic HBO show “Girls,” recanted, saying that “while the experience of getting an abortion seemed magical, it dawned on me that a prerequisite would have to be having sex with a man or having some guy’s icky ‘juice’ squirted into me at a clinic. In retrospect, I realized that this would be too high of a price to pay for me to join the ranks of the brave women who have undergone this life-defining procedure. if you missed any...
  • France to Prosecute Historian for "Hate Speech" [semi-satire]

    12/24/2016 5:52:47 PM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Morocco-born French-Jewish scholar Georges Bensoussan has been ordered to appear before a Paris court to answer criminal charges levied against him by the Collective Against Islamophobia in France. The allegation is that Bensoussan's writings on the history of anti-Semitism in lands governed by Muslims "incites racial hatred." CAIF spokesman Massakir Heebes declared that "the attempt to promulgate anti-Muslim hatred under the guise of scholarship must not be permitted. The contention that the mistreatment of Jews depicted by Bensoussan is a historical fact is irrelevant. The Quran commands the oppression of unbelievers who pay the jizya and the slaying of those...
  • Ivanka Trump Harassed [semi-satire]

    12/24/2016 8:50:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    On-Board a JetBlue plane at JFK Airport in New York City for a planned family vacation in Hawaii, Donald Trump's eldest daughter Ivanka was accosted by another passenger Dan Goldstein, a Brooklyn lawyer. Goldstein's harangue charged Donald Trump with "ruining the country" and Ivanka with "ruining our flight." The "our" referred to his husband Matthew Lasner and their son. Goldstein contended that "people like Trump and his 'spawn' have no business inserting themselves among those who don't want them anywhere near us. She and her kids are a terrifying reminder that the Trump pall could plague the country for generations....
  • Berlin Terror Attack Inspires Action [semi-satire]

    12/23/2016 2:53:23 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Last Monday's assault by semi-truck that killed a dozen Christmas shoppers at an outdoor market in Berlin has inspired European governments to swoop into action. In Germany, the Merkel regime is desperately denying that the country's open-borders policy toward Islamic immigration, including a conscious policy of converting many refugees into truck drivers by easing licensing requirements, might be an enabling factor in the spate of social outrages, rising crime rate, and now mass murder by lone wolf jihadi Anus Amri at the Berlin market. Chancellor Angela Merkel attributed the offenses committed by Muslim refugees to "widespread Islamophobia among Germans unused...
  • CIA Leaks Proof Of Russian Hack (Satire)

    12/19/2016 6:17:49 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    12/19/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    The CIA leaked proof of the Russian hack of the DNC and the Clinton Campaign. CNN's Wolf Blitzer released the breaking news this afternoon. Wolf stated that his third cousin, Coyote Blitzer, had learned of the details of the leak from prostitutes on 14th Street in DC who are frequented by CIA and Secret Service Agents. The CIA frequently uses prostitutes, both street and MSM, to leak stories. Coyote stated that the DNC and Clinton Campaign were both hacked with assistance from two Democratic operatives who had been turned. Robert (the Jackal) Creamer and Scott (the Poofer) Foval were turned...
  • 95 Poll Books Missing in Michigan Recount [semi-satire]

    12/18/2016 7:32:31 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    In the Detroit precincts where voter logs showed fewer people casting ballots than votes that were counted on election day the recount effort also discovered that 95 voter log books went missing. While the mismatch of counts and the disappearing books would seem to imply that election fraud played a role in boosting the candidacy of Hillary Clinton, Detroit elections officials insisted that everything was legit. Democratic precinct chairman Charlie Crook assured that “these little discrepancies happen nearly every year. The so-called missing logs were merely sent out for re-calibration. Now that they’ve been fixed the gap between voters recorded...
  • NYC Muslim Hate Crime Hoax [semi-satire]

    12/17/2016 8:08:11 PM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Yasmin Seweid, the 18 year-old girl who claimed Trump supporters harassed her on the city subway, lied. Nevertheless, her older sister Sara Seweid blamed “excessively zealous police work for blowing my sister’s alibi. She was out past her curfew and would have been severely beaten by our father for this infraction. Naturally, she made up the harassment story to avoid this beating. Now, as a result of the NYPD’s unwarranted investigation into this minor incident, Yasmin will be beaten.” The older sister charged that “insensitivity and ignorance of our culture has resulted in a completely avoidable outcome. But a combination...
  • Bill to Block US Funding of Terrorists Introduced [semi-satire]

    12/17/2016 3:11:48 PM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) and Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ken) have co-sponsored the "Stop Arming Terrorists Act" to stem the flow of US tax dollars going to Middle Eastern terrorist groups. That such legislation might be necessary is shocking. "If you or I gave money, weapons or support to al-Qaeda or ISIS, we would be thrown in jail," Gabbard said. "Yet, our own government has been covertly funneling American tax dollars to a series of Islamic fanatics for years. This is madness." Massie maintains that "madness is too mild a term to use. The CIA has been arming bloodthirsty jihadis in...
  • China to Return Drone After Understanding Trump Message in "Typo" Tweet

    12/17/2016 12:37:38 PM PST · by GonzoII · 31 replies
    KORNNEWS ^ | 17 Dec 2016 | GonzoII
    Unmamed sources in Chinna have said that they had "inside" information to suggest that Trump may have been indicating a future "un" seating of Chinese leaders including Chinese "President" Xi Jin-ping-Pong if a recently seized US Drone was not immediately returned. It is also sayed that the fact that the tweet was in the past tense Trump may have already envisioned the their own demise. The Chicoms are reportedly to have said that they didn't want to take any chances. Trump had described the taking of the drone in a widely reported "Typo" tweet as an "unpresidented act"....moor nooz at...
  • Dems Say Russian Hacking "an Act of War" [semi-satire]

    12/17/2016 8:05:01 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    President Obama ratcheted up the confrontational rhetoric the Democratic Party has leveled at Russia for allegedly "hacking the election to ensure their 'puppet' Trump would defeat Secretary Clinton." Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) called the hack "as bad as 9/11. The attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon only killed some ordinary Americans. The Russian hack blocked the ascension of the most qualified person to ever seek the presidency of the United States. That is a blow that will have negative reverberations for generations to come." "The Russian interference in our election is a virtual coup against...
  • Michelle Obama Says Trump Win Destroys Hope [semi-satire]

    12/16/2016 9:29:37 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    In a CBS News interview prior to her family's departure for a vacation that will further its record-setting pace for taxpayer-funded personal leisure, First Lady Michelle Obama says "the election of Donald Trump has destroyed the hope that my husband brought to so many in this country. Hope is necessary. What else do you have if you don't have hope? What do you give your kids if you can't give them hope?" Michelle contrasted "the uplifting message we provided to America with the dreary future Donald Trump has promised. His vision of herding Americans back into the workforce will condemn...
  • RNC Averts Hack that Duped DNC [semi-satire]

    12/16/2016 3:40:44 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Amid all the caterwauling from Democrats about Russians supposedly hacking the Democratic National Committee's computer system comes a report from the Republican National Committee that a similar attempt on their computer system was rebuffed. RNC chairman Reince Priebus explained "naturally, we were alert to the possibility that hostile entities might try to break into our system. To avert this threat we instructed all of our personnel to ignore and delete any emails from persons claiming to have millions of dollars intended for deposit to our account from a deceased African government official. The strategy was simple and easily executed. There...
  • 13 Times Russian Hackers Sabotaged Clinton’s Presidential Campaign(satire!)

    12/14/2016 9:41:43 AM PST · by rktman · 6 replies
    dailycaller.com ^ | 12/14/2016 | Blake Neff
    Many conservatives and Trump supporters have been dismissive of the possibility that interference by Russian hackers changed the outcome of the 2016 election. But they would do well to rethink things. Even a cursory look at the events of the past few years reveals Russian meddling was absolutely decisive in denying Clinton her rightful position as president-elect. Here’s a quick rundown of 13 major moments where Clinton’s seemingly invincible presidential campaign was brought down thanks Russian hacking efforts: 1996: Russian Spetsnaz special forces pepper Clinton with sniper rifle fire as she lands in Sarajevo after the Bosnian War. Shortly after,...
  • Clinton Campaign Tried to Silence Friendly Voice [semi-satire]

    12/12/2016 10:16:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    While the official meme promoted by the left-stream media is that President-Elect Donald Trump is a threat to freedom of speech and freedom of the press, a story reported by MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski points in the opposite direction. The co-host of the cable news network’s “Morning Joe” program related a pre-election day incident in which an irate Hillary Clinton campaign official contacted MSNBC executives demanding that she be punished for criticizing the candidate’s “taking the election for granted.” “The thing is, I was worried that Hillary might lose the election and was trying to help her make a small course...
  • Astronaut Buzz Aldrin Tweets "We are all in Danger. It is evil itself"

    12/11/2016 12:32:46 PM PST · by EveningStar · 84 replies
    Superstation95 95.1 FM New York City ^ | December 7, 2016 | Newsroom
    United States Astronaut Buzz Aldrin Tweeted an ominous message to the world using his official, verified Twitter Account, then strangely deleted the tweet later.  His words: "We are all in danger.  It is evil itself." and showed a photograph of a pyramid located at the South Pole ...
  • Obama Orders Review of Election Interference [semi-satire]

    12/11/2016 10:01:44 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    President Obama ordered federal intelligence agencies to prepare a report on Russian cyber attacks that interfered with the 2016 election outcome and deliver it to him before January 20, 2017, “so I may take whatever action is required to restore integrity to the democratic process.” Homeland security adviser Lisa Monaco called the investigation “crucial to the president’s decision on whether he may need to vacate the reported outcome. Rather than let the country to be locked-into accepting a new president illegitimately installed by the dirty tricks of a foreign government, the president needs the information necessary to support his continuation...
  • Group Says OSU Terrorist "Wrongly Shot" [semi-satire]

    12/10/2016 7:20:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The Ohio State University Coalition for Black Liberation held a rally to protest racist cops' shooting black men. One of the "wrongly shot" individuals was Abdul Razak Ali Artan who ran over some students with his automobile and went on a rampage stabbing others until he was shot by campus police. One of the rally's spokespersons, Maryam Abidi characterized the shooting as "a disproportionate response. Artan was only armed with a knife. There was no call for police to escalate to the use of firearms." Abidi called the claim that the shooting was necessary to save the lives of others...
  • France Censors Anti-Abortion Advocates [semi-satire]

    12/09/2016 8:48:10 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The award-winning "Dear Future Mom" video featuring children with Down Syndrome making the case for the value of their lives was banned from TV by France's Conseil d'État (State Council). According to the Council, the video was deemed "too insensitive" since it was "likely to trouble the consciences of women who had made different personal life choices" (i.e., had aborted babies predicted to have Down Syndrome). Council spokesman Henri Abattage defended the ban, maintaining that "our decision is in keeping with public perceptions of what is right. There's a reason why 90% of the pregnancies afflicted with this syndrome end...
  • Left Mourns Passing of Castro semi-satire]

    12/06/2016 9:59:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    This week, long-time Cuban dictator Fidel Castro died at the age of 90. He violently took over the government of Cuba in 1959 and ruled it with an iron fist for 50 years until his retirement in 2011. His 85-year-old brother Raul has governed the island the last five years. Fidel’s rule began with mass executions of opponents by firing squad for the entertainment of cheering crowds at the Havana soccer stadium. Enemies who weren’t murdered were thrown into filthy prisons where they were tortured and abused. The vast majority of Cubans lived lives of abject poverty and oppression. Over...
  • DOJ Declines to Investigate Intimidation Against Trump Electors [semi-satire]

    12/05/2016 8:33:52 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Despite numerous reports of harassment and death threats against electors pledged to vote for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump when the Electoral College meets on December 19, the US Department of Justice, thus far, has declined to take any action. DOJ deputy press secretary David Jacobs cast the issue as “not yet ripe enough.” “From what we have heard these electors have been called names and warned they could be harmed if they don’t switch their vote to Secretary Clinton,” Jacobs recounted. “Name calling is protected freedom of speech. Just weeks ago the two leading candidates were calling each other...
  • RAF on high alert due to heightened Arctic activity

    12/04/2016 9:22:57 AM PST · by AdmSmith · 24 replies
    UK Defence Journal ^ | 02DEC2016 | George Allison
    The Royal Air Force will reportedly be on high alert in the coming days in order to intercept and track flights from the Arctic region. The move has been prompted by an incident around a year ago in which Typhoon aircraft escorted a Lapland registered aircraft (flying from the Arctic region) over the UK’s major cities, the pilot of the craft was said to be under the influence of alcohol and very “festive”, this is especially dangerous due to the sheer volume of cargo the aircraft was carrying. This is expected to happen again. An MoD spokesman had this to...
  • EEOC Announces New Workplace Regs [semi-satire]

    12/03/2016 11:14:53 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) announced new workplace regulations requiring employers to accommodate the languages spoken by prospective hires and current employees or “face sanctions including fines and/or revocation of permission to operate.” Oddly, the EEOC cited “the growing diversity of the nation’s workforce as the justification for the new rule.” Under the new regulations requiring employees to speak or understand English is now deemed unlawful discrimination. “Employees have the right to communicate in a language of their own choosing,” EEOC Chairperson Jenny Yang argued. “It is the employer’s responsibility to learn the language of his employees or hire...
  • Obama to Admit Refugees Barred from Entering Australia [semi-satire]

    12/03/2016 8:45:04 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has agreed to admit nearly 2500 refugees that the Australian government has refused to allow into their country for "security reasons." The refugees are from terrorism "hot spots" and have been excluded for failing to clear the country's vetting process. Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) have complained about the lack of transparency in the President's actions. "In a matter having obvious security implications the President is obliged to consult Congress before agreeing to bring potentially dangerous individuals into the United States," Grassley contended. "The fact that these men were not deemed a good...
  • Senator Desperate to Pass "Lame Duck" Bills [semi-satire]

    12/02/2016 8:20:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has joined with Sen. John McCain (R-Az) to modify the recently passed Justice Against Sponsors of Terror Act (JASTA). This law allows victims of terrorist attacks to sue the governments that provide funding and sanctuary to terrorists. Graham is concerned that "the existing law can come back to bite us. When Congress overrode President Obama's veto they were thinking 'let's make these Muslim governments pay for the damages done by the groups they harbor.' What was overlooked was the possibility that our own government would be made liable for damage done by terrorists armed by the...
  • Trump's Direct Communication to Public Irks Major Media [semi-satire]

    11/29/2016 9:22:43 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Since winning the election, president-elect Donald Trump has broadcast a couple of brief messages directly to the general public over the Internet on his Facebook page. These communications have been denounced by some media talking heads. Katy Tur of MSNBC called this "a disturbing end-run around the critical filter provided by professional journalists. It allows Trump to put his own 'spin' on the message and transmit it to voters before it has been vetted by those of us whose job it is to act as intermediaries." That Trump would seek a more direct path to communicate with Americans was probably...
  • Union Decries Trump Nominee for Department of Education [semi-satire]

    11/28/2016 10:35:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    President-elect Donald Trump’s nomination of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education did not sit well with American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten. “In nominating DeVos, Trump makes it loud and clear that his education policy will focus on shifting control of education into the hands of students and their parents,” she complained. “This defies logic and can only lead to the destruction of the public education system.” Weingarten dismissed the consumer empowerment concept as “a naive perspective for the delivery of as complex a product as education. Does a parent really know what’s best for her child? Can we,...
  • Bureaucrats Order Destruction of Food Bound for Homeless Shelter [semi-satire]

    11/27/2016 9:15:58 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The attempt by Kookers Kare to donate 4,000 lbs. of leftovers from the American Royal’s World Series of Barbecue to a local nonprofit organization called Hope City was thwarted by the Kansas City Health Department. The food donation has traditionally fed thousands of homeless persons in Kansas City for decades without complaint or incident. This time, however, the donated food was ordered destroyed by the Kansas City Health Department. “All of that food was uninspected, so that makes it from an unapproved source, it cannot be served to the public,” Operations Manager Joe Williamson said. “It doesn’t matter that both...
  • France to Pay Illegals to Leave [semi-satire]

    11/26/2016 3:52:38 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The government of France is offering a bounty of €2,500 to migrants who voluntarily go home to their country of origin. The €2,500 to cover air fare is only part of the deal. An additional €10,000 in financial aid is available to help them get set up on arriving home. Didier Leschi, the head of France's immigration office, called the payment "a bargain compared to the cost of sustaining these people via the welfare benefits to which they are entitled under French law. The €10,000 each will receive upon arrival is enough to fund a small business in their native...
  • Democratic Party Doesn't Need White People [semi-satire]

    11/26/2016 10:46:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid to simplify the race for who will be the next chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, former Bernie Sanders for President spokeswoman Symone Sanders advised melanin deficient aspirants to "back off. We don't need white people leading the Democratic Party right now." Contrasting "the whupping dished out to two pasty-faced white dudes by the chocolaty Barack to the embarrassing upset suffered by the ghostly Hillary makes it clear that the Party's future lies with people of color," Symone argued. She was especially anxious that "the 'crazy yodeling white dude' not be allowed to lead the Party into...
  • The Ten Commandments According to Francis

    11/25/2016 5:10:06 PM PST · by ebb tide · 4 replies
    Mahhound's Paradise ^ | November 25, 2016 | Manhound
    I have obtained a draft version. Sources tell me that the New Decalogue will be promulgated soon after the four cardinals are beheaded. 1. I am the LORD your Pope: you shall not heed strange Popes before me. 2. You shall not take Yes or No questions to me. 3. Remember the late 1960's and keep them holy. 4. Please report dissident relatives to the proper authorities. 5. You shall not discard that which can be re-used. 6. Life is complicated. 7. Let it go. 8 You shall bear false witness against your neighbor if it favors the progressive cause....
  • Voter ID Laws Rigged Election for Trump [semi-satire]

    11/25/2016 2:57:07 PM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The League of Women Voters called for the election of Donald Trump to be voided on the grounds that the election was rigged. Chris Carson, president of the League of Women Voters maintains that "state laws requiring voters to show IDs before they are allowed to cast a ballot unduly restrict the franchise." "The whole point of democracy is to allow the people to govern themselves," Carson said. "Limiting the franchise to only those who can prove who they are narrows the base and excludes those who can't or won't agree to identify themselves. This conflicts with the principle of...