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Keyword: satire

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  • Woman in Labor Blocked by Obama Motorcade

    07/28/2014 9:43:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    A woman on the verge of giving birth was blocked from crossing the street to get to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center because the road was blocked in anticipation of President Obama’s motorcade passing by. The woman was told to wait on a bus stop bench while staff from the Medical Center crossed the street to her aid. Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Hector Morales defended the seemingly unnecessary impediment to the woman’s access to health care as “routine protocol. Look, the President of the United States is the world’s most important person. Whatever he is doing must take precedence over anything...
  • President Says We’re Better off “on Practically Every Economic Measure”

    07/28/2014 6:24:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 24 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    In an interview on CNBC this past week President Barack Obama boasted that his programs “have made America better off on practically every economic measure.” He contended that “the seemingly negative outcomes cited by my critics stem from false consciousness.” “From a broad perspective let’s consider the declining participation in the workforce that many in the GOP harp on,” Obama suggested. “Work, as any economist will tell you, is a disutility. People don’t work because they want to. They work because they have to. The fact that a growing number of Americans can live their lives without having to work...
  • Hamas Defends Investment in Tunnels

    07/27/2014 12:09:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Recent criticism from Israel that the $1.25 billion Hamas has spent constructing tunnels from Gaza into Israel has cheated Palestinians out of investments in schools or hospitals was rejected by Hamas's political leader, Khaled Meshal. "The notion that schools or medical care should be a higher priority is a Jewish conceit," Meshal asserted. "It presumes that Western values should supersede Islamic values. We do not contest that schools or health are important matters, but they pale in contrast to the overwhelmingly more important goal of exterminating the Jewish presence in Palestine." "The tunnels," Meshal argued "are a major weapon in...
  • The American Caste System

    07/26/2014 9:02:33 PM PDT · by OneWingedShark · 21 replies
    Self ^ | 26 Jul 14 | Me
    Another Brochure, this time detailing the wonders of the new caste system that is being implemented and published by the Office of Population Affairs. [Link]
  • “Despicable” Anti-Clinton Books Should Be Banned

    07/26/2014 9:23:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Outraged by the surging popularity of anti-Clinton books overtaking sales of Hillary Clinton’s State Department memoir, Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill offered his opinion that “in a just world such despicable nonsense would neither be allowed nor enabled.” The “despicable nonsense” books Merrill is saying ought to be censored include The First Family Detail by Ronald Kessler, Clinton, Inc. by Daniel Halper and Blood Feud by Ed Klein. “It is a travesty that books like these are outselling a historically important work by a major player in contemporary American history,” Merrill complained. “Their authors are comparative nobodies trying to get rich...
  • White House Announces New Program

    07/25/2014 6:15:50 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 4 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 7-25-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    The White House announced today it's new immigration program called "You Think You Had It Bad". Josh Earnest, the new White House paid liar, announced that the President was earnest and not joshing with the new program. Under the "You Think You Had It Bad" program, all new illegal immigrants (or new Democratic voters) will be shipped to Chicago for 10 days. Immigrants will be housed and processed in the Chicago Southside. Success of the program hinges upon the immigrants being exposed to at least two weekends in the city. It is felt that after two weekends in Chicago most...
  • Court Ruling on Obamacare Exchanges Assailed

    07/25/2014 5:43:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    This past week’s D.C. Court of Appeals panel ruling that customers in the 36 states that didn’t establish their own exchange and use HealthCare.gov instead cannot be given premium tax credits was assailed by the program’s backers as “flagrant judicial activism.” Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest promised that “this insupportable ruling will be ignored. For the Court to insist upon a literal reading of the statute at this late date would unduly hamper the President’s scope of action. He cannot and will not abide having his hands tied by this judicial interference.” At issue is explicit statutory language in the...
  • White House Claims President’s Appointees “Absolutely Immune”

    07/22/2014 10:47:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Despite audio evidence of prohibited political activity by Obama Administration officials, White House Counsel Neil Eggleston rejected House Oversight and Government Reform Committee requests for testimony from David Simas, director of the White House Office of Political Strategy and Outreach. “Mr Simas and, in fact, everyone working for the President is absolutely immune from any demands Congress or the Judicial branch might seek to impose,” Eggleston contended. “To hold otherwise would undermine the President’s authority to rule this country.” “It would also be unfair to those attempting to carry out the President’s wishes if they were to be held answerable...
  • Bill to Curb “Operation Choke Point” Introduced

    07/22/2014 9:11:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is sponsoring H.R. 4986, the End Operation Choke Point Act of 2014. The bill aims to stem Department of Justice abuse of legitimate businesses. Under Operation Choke Point the DOJ working in concert with the FTC, FDIC, OCC, CFPB, and FBI has been intimidating banks in order to deny these financial resources to targeted commercial operations. While DOJ claims it is merely combating criminal activity, legal, but pariah businesses like firearms vending, marijuana dispensaries and check cashing firms have frequently been shut off from the banking system. The Administration opposes the bill. “Even though some businesses...
  • Roberts Says Wolf “too Inexperienced for Debate”

    07/21/2014 9:00:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan) continued his refusal to debate challenger Dr. Milton Wolf prior to the upcoming August 5 primary election date on the grounds that “Wolf is not qualified to hold such a high office.” “I’ve been in this political racket for nearly 50 years,” the 78 year-old Roberts pointed out. “I didn’t just leap into the national arena as my first venture into joining the governing elite. I served on the staff of Senator Frank Carlson and Representative Keith Sebelius for over 12 years before I ran for Congress in 1980. Then I put in 16 years in...
  • Arizona Anti-Abortion Law Racist Says ACLU, NAACP

    07/21/2014 6:31:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    The ACLU has filed suit alleging that an Arizona law that bars sex-selective and race-based abortions is racist. The suit was filed on behalf of the NAACP and the National Asian-Pacific American Women’s Forum. Alexa Kolbi-Molinas of the ACLU insisted that “this law has a racially disparate effect as its intent. African-Americans are nearly four times as likely to opt for abortion as the end point of a pregnancy compared to whites. Consequently, the Arizona law has a chilling impact on what should be a freely taken choice.” “The barrier to sex-selective abortions introduces a culturally insensitive affront to persons...
  • Cost to House Influx of Illegals Stuns Senators

    07/20/2014 1:00:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 36 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    In testimony before the Senate Budget Committee, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson shocked senators of both parties when he disclosed that it costs between $250 and $1,000 per day per person to house the illegal immigrants that have been surging across our border with Mexico. "There was an audible gasp, a bipartisan gasp," Senator Marco Rubio (R., Fla.) recounted. "I could take a luxurious Caribbean cruise every day of the year for a lower total cost. I cannot fathom why the spartan accommodations we are providing for these people should cost so much." Senate Budget Committee chairwoman Patty...
  • Barack Obama's New C.D. release Due in August

    07/18/2014 6:31:27 AM PDT · by MeshugeMikey · 36 replies
    Vanity | July 18, 2014 | MeshugeMikey
  • Obamacare Costs Comparisons “Unfair”

    07/15/2014 8:42:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    A recent report from the Manhattan Institute showing that Obamacare has raised insurance costs by 52% to 119% was rejected as an “unfair comparison” by Health and Human Services Secretary Silvia Burwell. “Policies under the Affordable Care Act cost more because they cover more,” she maintained. “Many of the policies available before the ACA was in place didn’t cover preventive care like birth control or abortion. Virtually none of them covered gender-reassignment surgery. So of course those policies were cheaper.” “The Manhattan Institute study overlooks the added value achieved by the ACA,” the Secretary asserted. “Their before and after analysis...
  • Mexico and Guatemala Reach Accord to Expedite Transit of More Illegals to the US

    07/14/2014 9:42:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    This week Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Guatemalan President Otto Perez Molina held a joint press conference to announce they have reached an accord to cooperate in the shipment of more illegal migrants from Central America to the United States. “This agreement is a win-win for both of our countries,” Peña boasted. “Guatemala rids itself of people they cannot adequately care for. By assuring that these migrants have guaranteed transportation through Mexico we avoid becoming the repository of these undesirables.” Perez insisted that “we are only responding to America’s invitation to send our tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to...
  • Dispatch from the Future (Satire)

    07/13/2014 3:54:17 PM PDT · by Ellendra · 4 replies
    JPFO ^ | 7-12-2014 | Claire Wolfe
    NOTE: The following document was found in the ruins of the Mount Weather complex in the year C.E. 2715 and has been in the keeping of the staff of the Interglobal History Museum since then. Although our scholars and scientists are still analyzing this material, it is believed to date from the era of Malia Rodham-Bloomberg (reigned C.E. 2044-2067) or her successor Mitt Kennedy Bush (reigned C.E. 2067-?). Below is our translation. -------------------- REPORT TO THE NATION ON THE EFFECTIVENESS OF GUN CONTROL By the Blue-Ribbon Panel on the Current Crisis BACKGROUND: Following the Sunnyside Nursery School Massacre and similar...
  • Satire: GermanyAbdicates World Cup Championship; Argentina To Assume Title

    07/13/2014 3:39:10 PM PDT · by markomalley · 13 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 7/13/2014
    BRAZIL––The German National Team today stunned soccer fans across the globe with their announcement that they would abdicate the World Cup title, effective today. UEFA, the administrative body for association football in Europe and part of Asia, said today it has voted the largely unknown Argentinian National Team to assume the title of champions of the soccer world. In a statement issued today, the German National Team wrote: “…in today’s game, subject to so many rapid changes on the pitch and shaken by questions of deep relevance for the beautiful game, in order to govern the bark of the World...
  • Hamas Counters Israeli Efforts to Reduce Collateral Damage

    07/13/2014 12:48:51 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Israel’s attempts to minimize collateral damage while seeking to respond to Hamas’ repeated missile launches against Israeli civilians were sternly countered by Hamas this week. While Israel has been warning Palestinian civilians of impending air strikes in order to prompt them to move out of targeted areas, Hamas has forbidden civilians from taking Israeli advice. Hamas’ Khaled Meshaal explained that “it is every Palestinian’s duty to sacrifice himself if required to do so in our never ending battle against the Jewish occupiers. The Jews would like nothing better than to separate our fighters from the women and children who we...
  • Hillary Clinton’s Early Legal Work Stirs Controversy

    07/13/2014 9:28:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    The emergence of an audio tape of a young Hillary Clinton bragging about helping a rapist get off easy has jarred her image as an advocate for women’s rights. It seems that Clinton succeeded in discrediting the rapist’s accuser even though she was convinced that he was guilty. When a panel of liberal pundits on MSNBC appeared to agree that Clinton seemed insensitive and cavalier on the tape, the aspiring 2016 presidential candidate tried her hand at damage control. “First of all, let me remind everyone that this tape was made 40 years ago,” she pointed out. “It’s old news....
  • Hobby Lobby, Pay for my Birth Control

    07/12/2014 10:13:35 PM PDT · by ReformationFan · 6 replies
    You Tube ^ | 7-12-14 | Julie Borowski
    This video is supposed to be satire about the liberal reaction to the Hobby Lobby decision but it sounds almost like an accurate depiction.
  • The Common Core Movie: "Despicable Them"

    07/12/2014 5:33:35 PM PDT · by BruceDeitrickPrice · 3 replies
    RantRave.com ^ | June 29, 2014 | Bruce Deitrick Price
    Okay, this is the day I do a favor for Universal Pixs. Here, free of charge, is a bold new concept for a cartoon action comedy. Not just a concept, mind you, but a high concept. That's what Hollywood loves. Okay here it is. You have this gang of no-goodniks who want to destroy the public schools in Typical Town, USA. Not just destroy the schools but get rich for doing it! Crime-wise, that's thinking big-big-big. In the opening scenes, we can clearly see that these are bad hombres with cold hearts. Their crooked grins suggest a lifetime of larceny...
  • Dems Seek Legislation to Overturn Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby Ruling

    07/12/2014 9:19:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Outraged by what they characterized as the Supreme Court’s improper application of the Constitution’s freedom of religion clause in the Hobby Lobby case, Senate Democrats are drafting a bill to overturn the Court’s ruling. Sponsor of the bill, Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash) declared that “a boss’s role in health care is confined to paying for it. He has no business deciding that he won’t pay for certain medical therapies because they offend his sense of morality. My bill restores the full authority over which medical treatments will or won’t be covered to the government where it belongs.” Senator Charles Schumer...
  • Administration Requests Budget Increase for Immigrant Bedding

    07/12/2014 6:45:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Asserting that "it would be inhumane for us to force these innocent immigrant children to sleep on substandard beds," Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell has requested an appropriation of "$1,000 per migrant in order to fund minimally acceptable accommodations." "Many of these immigrant children have already suffered from improper sleeping arrangements for most of their lives," Burwell said. "In the countries they come from it is common for multiple children to be crammed into a single bed of straw, be slung on hammocks, or simply left to sleep on the ground." Burwell characterized the "military style cots and...
  • President’s Texas Itinerary Defended

    07/11/2014 6:43:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama has faced criticism for refusing to visit sites in Texas where hordes of illegal immigrants have been flooding into the country. The criticism has been especially pointed in light of the fact that he has traveled to the state to participate in political fund raisers at the home of Austin-based filmmaker Robert Rodriguez and two other in-state locations. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the President’s presence at the border would not be a good use of his time. It’s not as if anything he might see there is going to change his mind about immigration reform....
  • Todd Unctuous on Hobby Lobby [Hilarious! Parody!] [.... I Think...]

    07/11/2014 11:32:48 AM PDT · by Mrs. Don-o · 16 replies
    Standing on my Head ^ | July 2, 2014 | Fr. Dwight Longenecker
    [Guest blogger Todd Unctuous is top commentator for MSM. With a degree in Media Studies from Scranton Community College, Todd writes for many papers and websites, and is known for his incisive writing, objective reporting and razor sharp comment.] As we prepare to celebrate the Forth of July vacation this weekend I am deeply concerned to find that a small group of rich white Christian men are persecuting women in their businesses by denying them proper health care. I have heard that the owner of Hobby Lobby insists that his female employees sign a contract assuring him that they are...
  • Feds Say Businesses Can't Require Employees to Speak or Understand English

    07/08/2014 8:59:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is suing Wisconsin Plastics, Inc. of Green Bay, Wisconsin for discriminating against non-native persons by insisting that employees must be conversant in English in order to hold jobs with the company. Jacqueline Berrien, EEOC Chairperson dismissed the possibility that some minimal competence in the English language might be a legitimate skill required of an employee. "Whether an employee understands English is a matter of convenience for the business,":Berrien explained. "Granted, conducting business in a single language might be more efficient. But the individual's right to speak whatever language he chooses is a human right....
  • Congressman Barred from Immigrant Holding Area

    07/07/2014 11:05:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Representative Jim Bridenstine's (R-Okla) attempt to gain some first-hand knowledge on the 1200 illegal immigrant minors housed in his Congressional District was blocked by officials of the Department of Health and Human Services. "It's for the Congressman's own good," Health and Human Services Secretary Silva Burwell insisted. "Many of these youngsters are carrying infectious diseases and parasites. We cannot allow unnecessary contact with unauthorized persons." Bridenstine was advised to come back after July 21. "By that time all of the children will have been placed with other families or in shelters more suitable for the longer term," Burwell said. "It...
  • Senator Suggests President "Borrow" Power to Solve Immigration Problem

    07/07/2014 5:52:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill) suggests that President Obama "borrow some of the unused legislative power Congress is sitting on to solve the immigration problem." "I know some of my Republican friends across the aisle will insist that the power to enact laws is exclusively reserved to Congress under our Constitution," Durbin acknowledged. "However, an even older common law principle is that a right left dormant for an extended period lapses and may be taken up by a more energetic party. The need for immigration reform has been known for a long time, yet Congress has neglected to pass legislation. So...
  • President Urges Israel to Exercise Restraint

    07/06/2014 9:52:52 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    This week's discovery of the decomposing bodies of the three Israeli teenagers kidnapped and murdered by members of the Hamas terror organization last week sparked diverse reactions from key leaders. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed retribution. Hamas's Khalad Mashaal blessed the hands of the murderers. President Obama urged Israeli leaders to "exercise restraint and not take action that would destabilize the situation." While admitting that "from a Western perspective the murder of innocent civilians appears an inexcusable atrocity," President Obama cautioned that "this is not the only perspective worthy of consideration. As the Palestinians see it, all Jews living...
  • Muslim Store Cites Hobby Lobby in Shoplifter Mutilation Case [Chopped Off Boy's hand!]

    07/05/2014 2:45:42 PM PDT · by Steelfish · 49 replies
    Muslim Store Cites Hobby Lobby in Shoplifter Mutilation Case On Wednesday, the owner of a small chain of convenience stores was arrested in Peoria, Illinois after he chopped off the hand of a 16 year-old shoplifter who had attempted to steal a bag of potato chips and a 16 oz. soda. But due to the Supreme Court's recent Hobby Lobby decision, that man was released from custody on Thursday, even after pleading guilty to the attack. On July 2nd, Seif Majeed, 41, of Peoria caught a young, unidentified shoplifter, chained him to a pipe in a back room, and then...
  • Doctor/Patient Confidentiality Gains New Partner

    07/05/2014 10:10:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    It used to be that what transpires between a doctor and patient was considered confidential. Under the Affordable Care Act the Government has now been added as a participant in observing communications between doctor and patient. Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell justified the expansion of those in the know as "only prudent. The Affordable Care Act has made the federal government responsible for the health of everyone in America. We can't adequately do that job if information on anyone's condition is withheld from us." "Unenlightened individuals may think that their health is their own concern," Burwell said. "They...
  • Hobby Lobby Wage Boost Rankles Democrats

    07/04/2014 6:43:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    With the liability of being forced to finance employees' abortions taken off its back by the recent Supreme Court voiding of the Obamacare mandate, Hobby Lobby announced it is raising the minimum wage of its full-time employees to $14.50 per hour. Aspiring presidential candidate Hillary Clinton dubbed the move "a callous and insensitive slap in the face to American women. This company went to a lot of effort to deny its responsibility to insure the reproductive health of its female employees. Now that they've won a totally unfair verdict in court they're insulting these imperiled women by investing the costs...
  • First Scientific Proof Of God Found

    07/03/2014 5:43:52 PM PDT · by free_life · 51 replies
    http://witscience.org ^ | June 22, 2014 | Dr. Richter DasMeerungeheuer
    W.I.T. scientists, in conjunction with the Human Genome Project and Bob Jones University, have made what may be the most astounding discovery of this, or any generation. While working to understand and map the function of sequences of DNA in the human genome known as “Junk DNA” (for their lack of known function), scientists at W.I.T. noted that while the DNA sequences they were seeing bore little resemblance to the coding for biological function, they bore a striking similarity to the patterns of human language. Gene Bmp3 has a Retrotransposon sequence which translates to the well-known 1 Cor 6:19 “Do...
  • Constitutional Amendment to Curb Speech Pushed by Democrats

    07/02/2014 8:22:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Sparked by fears that “many dedicated incumbents could be run out of office by well-financed campaigns by dangerously anti-government factions,” Senator Tom Udall (D-NM) and 42 Democratic co-sponsors have drafted a Constitutional Amendment that aims to curb free speech. “Right now as long as a person has enough money to afford it he can take out an ad, publish a broadside, or fund a TV spot against a sitting member of the Government,” Udall pointed out. “The men and women who have devoted their lives to serving the citizens of this great republic don’t deserve this kind of treatment.” Under...
  • Mick Jagger: Monty Python 'are wrinkly old men trying to relive their youth'

    07/01/2014 12:30:42 PM PDT · by jimbo123 · 68 replies
    CNN ^ | 6/30/14 | Peter Wilkinson
    Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger poked fun at the Monty Python stars on Monday ahead of the comedy troupe's reunion concerts this week as "a bunch of wrinkly old men trying to relive their youth and make a load of money." Appearing in a video shown at the Monty Python Live (mostly) news conference at a central London theater, Jagger is asked by his assistant if he wants tickets for the shows. The singer, who is watching the World Cup football on TV with bandmate Charlie Watts, replies: "Who wants to see that again? It was funny in the 60s."...
  • Raid Characterized as “Routine Training Exercise”

    07/01/2014 10:25:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    A pre-dawn raid of a Florida home was characterized as “a routine training exercise” by Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson. The raid took place on June 10 when a dozen heavily armed Department of Homeland Security troops broke into Kari Edwards home and held her and her live-in boyfriend at gun point while they searched the premises. The invading DHS officers disabled the home’s security cameras as they thoroughly trashed the premises. “I realize that from Ms. Edwards’ perspective the incident may have been harrowing,” Johnson acknowledged. “But we mustn’t lose sight of the big picture. Inflicting momentary fear and...
  • President Offers More Flexibility for Federal Employees

    06/30/2014 10:56:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama is seeking to make being employed by the federal government a more pleasant experience. Along these lines he is introducing more flexible work hours. “Analysis by the best work management experts shows that it doesn’t really matter how many hours government employees spend on the job,” Obama said. “Whether they’re at their desks or not doesn’t seem to make any difference in the output of meaningful work. So why not reduce the burden of reporting to work?” Not being required to actually go in to work in order to earn a federal paycheck was described as “a major...
  • Clinton Defends $225,000 Speaking Fee

    06/29/2014 12:16:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Elias Benjelloun’s, the UNLV student body president, and Daniel Waqar’s, the student government’s public relations director, protest that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s $225,000 fee for a single speech is excessive was slapped down by the lady herself. “Students angry that their tuition fees are being increased shouldn’t try to take it out on me,” Clinton angrily exclaimed. “I have unique credentials. I’ve been a First Lady and co-president, a United States Senator, and Secretary of State. Audiences should expect to pay more to hear me.” Clinton compared her fee with the $230,000 per game salary paid to the...
  • Dear Leader bolsters Russian Economy, recommends stocks

    06/27/2014 8:37:21 PM PDT · by wetphoenix · 5 replies
    Obama and Russia: the World Laughs Dear Leader (PBUH) has provided his contrarian investment dog whistles that have boosted the Russian economy. Specific stocks he targeted for "sanctions" have performed magnificently. White House sock puppet press secretary Jay Carney warned that it was not a good time to invest in the Russian stock market because Obama was planning to impose devastating economic sanctions that would send the market into a tailspin. What actually happened, the FT says, is that the Russian market rose from 1,250 on the RTS Exchange to 1,450 -- a gain of over 15%. In fact, if...
  • President Tries to Fend Off Evidence of Incompetence

    06/27/2014 6:26:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2014 | John Semmens
    With a cascade of scandals dominating the news, a desperate President Obama pleaded with voters to "not give up hope. The mistakes of a tiny minority can easily overwhelm the good work of the many. Probably less than one percent of government workers are boneheads. The rest of us shouldn't have to suffer because of it." To help illustrate his case Obama told a story about an unnamed federal employee "who foolishly put things in writing that she shouldn't have. Despite explicit instructions that no documentary evidence be produced she negligently or maliciously, we don't know, entrusted highly confidential material...
  • Germany To Leave Its Gold In Federal Reserve

    06/24/2014 7:01:15 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 19 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 6-24-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    Angela Merkel stated today that Germany would leave its 1,500 tonnes of gold in the Federal Reserve vault in NYC for continued safekeeping. Proponents for repatriation of German gold were outraged that Angie would double-cross them after initially agreeing to have at least 674 tonnes of gold repatriated. Insiders confirmed that only 5 tonnes of gold were repatriated before shipments were inexplicably stopped. The current Federal Reserve Chairthing, Janet Yelling, announced today that the former Federal Reserve Chairthing, Ben Bernanke's computer hard drive had crashed destroying the inventory of gold on deposit with the Fed. Shockingly, the six backup copies...
  • Presidential Candidate Clarifies Gun Control Views

    06/24/2014 11:03:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Aspiring 2016 presidential contender former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sought to contrast her views on gun control with “the ineffectual dithering we’ve seen from the current Oval Office inhabitant.” “Let me come right out and say it, the minority of private citizens with guns are terrorizing the rest of the population,” Clinton contended. “It’s got to be frightening for the average person when he realizes that his neighbor or the stranger passing him in the street may be armed and could shoot him at any moment.” “If access to guns were limited to only those having a professional need...
  • DOJ Wants to Boost Domestic Surveillance

    06/23/2014 9:49:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Vowing not to allow himself to be distracted by recent events in Iraq, Attorney General Eric Holder called for increased efforts to monitor and interdict home grown threats. “I know the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria is garnering a lot of attention beheading captured foes and pledging to use the cache of poison gas it has stumbled upon while rampaging through Iraq,” Holder said. “But this must not divert our focus from the bigger threat from those in this country who have an anti-government animus.” “ISIS is thousands of miles away,” Holder pointed out. “Bloody as their aims may...
  • CFPB Announces Broad New Powers [satire]

    06/22/2014 11:05:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2014 | John Semmens
    The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau announced in the Federal Register that it will “aggressively deploy cease and desist orders against businesses whose activities are a detriment to the nation’s well-being.” For the moment this new authority is “interim.” It is expected to become final on July 18. “For too long the Government has sat idly by while businesses have foisted unsafe and unhealthy products on an unsuspecting public,” CFPB Director Richard Cordray charged. “Under Section 1053(c) of the Dodd-Frank Act, we are empowered to protect the general public by ordering offending businesses to cease and desist.” Two industries that are...
  • Obama Says Iran May Be Key to Pacifying Iraq

    06/21/2014 9:15:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Desperate for a way out of having to accept blame for a resumption of civil war in Iraq, President Obama welcomed the intervention of Iranian troops. “It’s a case of fighting fire with fire,” the President explained. “The ISIS are some bad folks, but so are the Iranians. ISIS is terrorizing the Iraqi countryside, but Iran has a long history of aiding terrorist organizations like Hezbollah.” Obama suggested that ISIS’s acquisition of Saddam Hussein’s secret stash of weapons of mass destruction could be counterbalanced by Iran’s secret nuclear weapons. “While the United States couldn’t credibly threaten ISIS with nuclear retaliation...
  • ISIS Captures Non-existent Chemical WMDs

    06/20/2014 6:52:24 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 8 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 6-20-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    It was announced today that ISIS had captured non-existent chemical WMDs from the retreating Iraqi forces. Administration officials and MSM administration pimps and pimpettes were appalled by the discovery of the non-existent WMDs and were working on a storyline and short film that indicated a right wing conspiracy was responsible for smuggling them into Iraqi. Indications are that the non-existent chemical WMDs, from the Bush era, include sarin, VX, mustard gas and other toxic chemical weapons. Administration experts stated that there is probably no danger from these non-existent chemical WMDs as they have been encased in concrete and the ISIS...
  • IRS Head Says Special Prosecutor Would Be Waste of Money

    06/20/2014 6:02:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 34 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Citing a lengthy list of suspicious coincidences—including the most recent loss of critical evidence due to a narrowly focused crash of the computers used by individuals involved in the discriminatory treatment of conservative organizations—many of the Agency's critics have called for a "Special Prosecutor." IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means Committee, though, that "appointing a 'Special Prosecutor' to investigate alleged abuses in the Agency would be a colossal waste of money. Look, we've thoroughly frustrated every inquiry launched thus far. Why should anyone think we wouldn't just as easily thwart a so-called Special Prosecutor?" Representative Dave...
  • Sweden Demands Football Vikings Change Name

    06/19/2014 7:59:45 AM PDT · by Hoodat · 45 replies
    White House Dossier ^ | 19 Jun 2014 | Keith Koffler
    The nation of Sweden is demanding that the Obama administration act to deny copyright status to the Minnesota Vikings, claiming the name demeans its citizens and all other Scandinavians. “We can no longer tolerate the use of this disgusting epithet by an American football team,” said Swedish Prime Minister Olaf Milkquist in a letter to President Obama “First of all, ‘football’ means ‘soccer,’ Milkquist wrote. “I realize that this is an unrelated matter, but it really pisses people off in Europe. You only use your foot occasionally in football, whereas in soccer the foot is the only thing you can...
  • DOJ Requests 250 Million Dollars For New Computer System

    06/18/2014 7:12:49 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 26 replies
    Retired Texas Vet | 6-18-14 | Retired Texas Vet
    The DOJ today requested that Congress appropriate an additional 250 million dollars for a new computer system. DOJ stated the need for the new computer system was caused by an unplanned and unexpected need. Eric (the Corrupt) Holder stated the new computer system was needed to initiate, document and process the tidal wave of pardons expected in the next two years. With the possible loss of the Senate in the fall and the possibility of impeachment of himself necessitated the speeding up of the pardon process. The PIMPS (Pardon Important Management Progressives System) is expected to be able to handle...
  • Pelosi Excommunicates Cordileone

    06/18/2014 2:15:28 AM PDT · by markomalley · 7 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 6/17/2014
    In an astonishing move today, Minority Leader of the House of Representatives and Mouthpiece of God in the United States Nancy Pelosi has excommunicated San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone. The move comes just a day after Pelosi sent Cordileone a letter asking him not to attend the National Organization for Marriage march in Washington D.C., calling the event “venom masquerading as virtue.” In response to the letter, Cordileone issued a response saying that the March for Marriage “is not anti-LGBT, but rather, it is a pro-marriage march.” The letter of excommunication begins with Pelosi regretfully informing the San Francisco bishop...