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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • IRS Targeting of Conservatives Blamed on “Inadequate Funding” [semi-satire]

    07/28/2015 10:22:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 July 2015 | John Semmens
    In addition to harassing conservative activist groups it also was discovered that the IRS has been using these groups’ donor lists to select which taxpayers will be subjected to audits. President Obama blamed the Republican Congress for this outcome, saying that “if they weren’t so stingy with the agency’s budget this might not have had to happen. Ideally, the IRS should audit everybody’s tax returns, but this would require more employees and a bigger budget. Faced with the necessity to limit the number of returns it audits, the IRS made a reasonable decision to narrow the scope of its efforts.”...
  • Democrat Says American Citizenship Is a Human Right [semi-satire]

    07/27/2015 10:44:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2015 | John Semmens
    Former Maryland governor and current contender for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Martin O'Malley vowed to extend the rights of US citizenship to every alien in the country on day one of his administration. “According to our Constitution, all men are created equal,” O'Malley maintained. “It is a crime against humanity for us to treat people unequally based on their place of birth. Humans have the right to live wherever they want. Our government has the obligation to ensure that every human who chooses to live in America receives everything to which he or she is entitled.” As O'Malley sees...
  • House Passes Bill that Withholds Federal Aid from Sanctuary Cities [semi-satire]

    07/26/2015 10:54:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2015 | John Semmens
    In a long overdue reaction to the mounting tally of victims of crimes committed by illegal aliens, the US House of Representatives enacted the "Enforce the Law for Sanctuary Cities Act." The bill would block federal law-enforcement grants to cities that refuse to enforce federal immigration laws. The vote for the bill was highly partisan with Republicans heavily in favor and Democrats heavily opposed. Mocking the bill as "the Donald Trump Act," Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-Calif), the chairman of the House Democratic Caucus, called the legislation "illogical. Sanctuary cities bear a disproportionate burden of the crimes committed by undocumented inhabitants....
  • Administration Says Failure to Accept Iran Deal Means War [semi-satire]

    07/25/2015 1:55:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration denounced Congressional opposition to its Iranian deal, saying that failure to accept the pact would lead to war. "Secretary of State John Kerry has assured the President that agreeing to this deal is the only alternative if we want to deter Iran from attacking America," said Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest. "Republicans agitating against this treaty weren't in on the negotiations. They don't know what we know." Critics of the deal have cited what they have characterized as serious flaws, including Iran's refusal to allow on-site inspections of its nuclear facilities, a requirement that the US help...
  • Left Rallies to Defense of Planned Parenthood [semi-satire]

    07/25/2015 10:58:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2015 | John Semmens
    Video evidence that Planned Parenthood traffics in organs taken from the babies it kills has sparked a wave of revulsion across the country. This gory profiteering clashes with the organization's attempts to portray itself as a champion of women's health. While Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) and ten other Republican senators have requested that the DOJ investigate Planned Parenthood's body snatching business, leading Democrats want an investigation of the organization that released the videos to the media. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called the videos "a reprehensible invasion of privacy" and demanded that the Center for Medical Progress (the organization...
  • West Point Revokes Diplomas Of Confederate Graduates

    07/17/2015 11:41:49 AM PDT · by Cry if I Wanna · 38 replies
    The DuffleBlog ^ | July 17, 2015 | Maxx Butthurt
    WEST POINT, N.Y. ─ Following the decision of the South Carolina government to remove the Confederate flag from a state memorial, and the subsequent, nation-wide uproar over all things Confederate, West Point has announced that it will posthumously revoke the diplomas of all cadets who graduated from the Academy and fought for the South during the Civil War.
  • Dear Oregon, Thank You For Protecting Us From The Scary Christians

    07/10/2015 5:46:05 PM PDT · by skyman · 8 replies
    The Blaze ^ | July 10, 2015 | Matt Walsh
    Dear Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian, Captain of the Oregon Thought Police Division, Head Appropriate Beliefs Enforcer, Lord Chancellor of Acceptable Opinions, Minister of Tolerance, greetings and salutations. I’ve been closely following the case of Aaron and Melissa Klein, the depraved fugitive cowards who committed the capital offense of WPH (Withholding Pastries from Homosexuals), and have been attempting to evade justice ever since. As you know, it all started when a lesbian couple came to their bakery, Sweet Cakes by Melissa, back in 2013 looking for a wedding cake. They’d been served by Sweet Cakes many times before, but only...
  • Flashback: Blue Collar Comedy Predicted Confederate Flag Removal from General Lee

    07/10/2015 3:47:41 PM PDT · by BBell · 4 replies
    The Liberal politically correctness has gone far beyond being annoying and disgusting. They have made it puke inducing.Past time to take our country back! Twelve years ago, members of the Blue Collar Comedy troupe gave America some insight into what the new wave of “political correctness” could do to the entertainment industry. They were ahead of their time with this skit, since “political correctness” is an unfortunate reality these days. Without knowing the video’s age, it would seem to be in direct response to the Confederate flag being removed from the famous General Lee car from “Dukes of Hazard,” though...
  • Leaked Democrat Re-election Strategy Memo (Shhh, don’t let on that we have it)

    08/21/2010 10:21:04 AM PDT · by sickoflibs · 25 replies
    democrats leak via email | August 21, 2010 | sickoflibs post
    This un-sourced memo someone forwarded me shows what terrible trouble democrats are in. Please don't gloat (too much) when reading it and don't let democrats know we have it. Good day Representative Many of you have been noticing how the party has been polling very poorly in approval ratings lately. If left unchecked this could be a serious problem in November. Your party leadership has determined that this is just a simple problem of you mis-communicating with your voters. Because this has been the most successful congress of our lifetime, we have concluded your faulty messaging is the problem. We...
  • Pope Francis: God Has Instructed Me to Revise the Ten Commandments (satire)

    07/07/2015 8:32:31 AM PDT · by Lucky9teen · 36 replies
    GUAYAQUIL, Ec. – Pope Francis kicked off the start of a three-nation trip across South America today with his first mass, with over a million Ecuadorians in attendance, in the coastal city of Guayaquil. Delivering the mass in Spanish, the Pope spoke about the importance of family in modern society, saying, “It needs to be helped and strengthened, lest we lose our proper sense of the services which society as a whole provides.” During his sermon, Pope Francis announced to Christians around the world that God had called upon him, instructing him “to revise the most sacred of texts, the...
  • Obama Rebuffs Objections to Cuba Policy [semi-satire]

    07/05/2015 1:35:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 July 2015 | John Semmens
    Senator Ted Cruz’s objections that the Administration’s recent moves to recognize the communist regime in Cuba violate US law were rebuffed by President Obama. According to Title 22 of the US Code, the President must determine that Cuba has a democratically elected government in order to consider the restoration of diplomatic relations between our two countries. According to the President, “times have changed and our laws need to change with them. The effort to try to isolate Cuba is a relic of the Cold War that is, in my judgment, no longer pertinent or necessary. Rather than go through the...
  • '98 Homosexual-Recruitment Drive Nearing Goal (Satire)

    07/05/2015 11:05:21 AM PDT · by BBell · 2 replies
    theonion.com | July 29, 1998
    Due to copyright complaints I cannot excerpt anything.
  • EPA Mulling Rules against Fireworks, BBQs [semi-satire]

    07/04/2015 10:46:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jul 2015 | John Semmens
    The American tradition of celebrating Independence Day with fireworks and barbeques may be living on borrowed time. The Environmental Protection Agency is working on new regulations that could put a serious dent in the festivities. Strict new standards for ozone could bar most fireworks displays and some backyard BBQs. EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy derided the idea that traditional modes of celebrating July 4th merited any special consideration. "Clean air is too important to play second-fiddle to abuses that result in needless pollution," McCarthy contended. "Given our modern technology there are surely more environmentally-friendly ways of celebrating this annual event." The...
  • Oregon Cancels Free Speech Rights of Christian Bakers [semi-satire]

    07/04/2015 12:55:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jul 2015 | John Semmens
    Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian finalized his order requiring Aaron and Melissa Klein, bakers who refused to make a cake for a same-sex wedding, to pay $135,000 in emotional damages to the couple they denied service. When the Kleins attempted to defend their religious objections in a radio interview, Avakian issued a "gag order" forbidding them from speaking publicly on the topic. Avakian dismissed the "freedom of speech" claim, insisting that "Oregon's statute outlaws refusals to serve customers based on their sexual orientation. For them to try to continue the argument after I have already ruled against them shows contempt...
  • Greek PM proposes a union with San Juan: New nation to be called "Puerto Greco"

    06/30/2015 8:01:37 AM PDT · by ken5050 · 11 replies
    one man's opinion...
    In a surprising last minute effort to solve his country's overwhelming financial crisis, Greek PM Tsipris proposed that his nation merge with US protectorate Puerto Rico. Tsipris said this would immediately solve Greece's financial problems, as Obama will no doubt soon move to bail out Puerto Rico, and Greece would, as part of the new nation, be included.
  • Judge Blocks Ban on Dismemberment Abortions [semi-satire]

    06/29/2015 9:17:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In Kansas, Shawnee County District Court Judge Larry Hendricks issued an order blocking that state’s ban on abortions carried out by tearing the baby limb-from-limb while still in the womb. The Judge’s order came in response to a lawsuit filed by the New York-based Center for Reproductive Rights on behalf of Dr. Herbert Hodes and Dr. Traci Nauser—a father-daughter team of abortionists. “To allow this law to go into effect while the matter is being litigated would deprive the plaintiffs of their livelihood,” Hendricks said. “It would inflict irreparable harm and injury to their recognized right to ply their trade.”...
  • Hillary Clinton 2016 - I Want It Now (New Campaign Commercial)

    06/28/2015 2:03:23 PM PDT · by tcrlaf · 17 replies
    Youtube ^ | 6-28-2015
    This really is disturbing...
  • Court Rules that Disparate Outcomes Equal Discrimination [semi-satire]

    06/28/2015 11:27:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled that “victims of discrimination need not prove intent, disparate outcomes alone are evidence of illegal discrimination.” In a case where lending practices of banks were being contested, Justice Anthony Kennedy swept aside any need to show conscious intent to discriminate. “A bank may assert that ability to repay a loan is an objective criterion for making a loan, and so it would seem on the surface. But what if the ability to repay is unequally distributed along racial lines? That would mean that more whites than Blacks would receive loans. That’s...
  • IRS Destroys More Evidence [semi-satire]

    06/27/2015 4:09:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In what IRS officials are calling a one-in-a-million fluke, the precise emails subpoenaed by Congress in its investigation of IRS discrimination against the President’s political opponents were exactly the ones inadvertently erased by IRS employees. Lost are over 400 back-up tapes containing 24,000 emails to and from Lois Lerner—the IRS employee believed to have orchestrated the discriminatory treatment. Commissioner John Koskinen speculated that “our rather lengthy chain-of-command provided multiple opportunities for miscommunication somewhere along the line. It is not inconceivable that an instruction to ‘not erase’ may have been forwarded as ‘erase.’ The rest is, as we say, history. Nothing...
  • Crazed Gunman Sparks Anti-Confederate Groundswell [semi-satire]

    06/27/2015 9:45:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    While Dylan Roof may have wanted to see his murder of nine members of a South Carolina church Bible studies session inspire a race war, the aftermath has taken a different turn. Photos of Roof holding a Confederate flag have led to calls for the removal of this “odious symbol of oppression” from American life. All over the South, Confederate flags are being taken down from state houses, public parks, and memorials. At the Gettysburg National Historic Park all Confederate symbols have been taken down. Park Director Thomas Jackson asserted that “for too long we’ve accorded the treasonous rabble that...
  • John Roberts rules in favor of Obama third term

    06/27/2015 9:22:43 AM PDT · by Starman417 · 20 replies
    Flopping Aces ^ | 06-27-15 | DrJohn
    Obama takes his new dog "Roberts" out for a walkBarack Obama has decided to run for a third term (at least) as President of the United States. President Obama is beginning the process to amend the Constitution to allow him to run for a third term. WWN learned that the White House and President Obama’s campaign machine have a “foolproof” plan for the President to successfully achieve a third (and perhaps a fourth) term in office. At one time Obama planned to amend the Constitution: “President Obama only faces opposition in the House,” a White House insider told WWN....
  • Supreme Court Rewrites Obamacare [semi-satire]

    06/26/2015 10:23:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Acknowledging that the original Affordable Care Act "was so poorly written as to be utterly infeasible in its implementation," Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts took "the liberty of rewriting it to correct its deficiencies." "If we were to confine ourselves to the plain language of the statute, subsidies would be available to only those states that established their own health care exchanges," Roberts wrote. "In hindsight, relying upon the statutory text would doom the plan because only a minority of states established the required exchanges. Rather than allow Congress' inability to accurately forecast state behavior to undermine this signature...
  • Hotels And Retailers Make Massive Recall (satire)

    06/24/2015 7:32:40 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    Sarcasm and Wit | 6-24-15 | RetiredTexasVet
    Major hotel and retail chains today initiated a massive recall of racist white sheets from their hotels and stores. Complaints had been made by His Arrogance President Obama, Sort of Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, several prominent Harvard professors, and a slew of simpering Progressive and Dept. of Just Us opportunists that white sheets were racist and caused hate crimes. In several high end hotels black maids refused to remove the racist white sheets and hazmat teams were hired to perform the tasks. Racist white sheets will be replaced with PC sheets of color. Several low end motel chains...
  • Leading Dems OK with Clinton Foundation Influence Peddling [semi-satire]

    06/23/2015 9:42:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Despite former Clinton administration official Robert Reich’s reservations about “the apparent impropriety of a husband of a potential future president accepting money from foreign governments and big corporations for ‘speeches’ that hardly seem worth listening to, much less paying for,” key Democrats think its okay. “Bringing money into America from a foreign government boosts our economy,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-Mass). “If it’s trying to buy a policy that Hillary was going to follow anyway, well, that’s just ‘found money.’ And if it’s for a policy that Hillary doesn’t like, well, she can always welsh on the deal.” “People have...
  • Rise in Sexual Harassment Cases at State Department [semi-satire]

    06/22/2015 9:04:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In 2014, under the leadership of John Kerry, 248 sexual harassment cases were filed at the US Department of State. This is considerably higher than the 88 cases filed in 2011 under the leadership of Hillary Clinton. Kerry attributed the bulge in complaints to “employees’ misunderstanding of new training protocols I’ve introduced. It is not a scandal.” According to the Secretary, the new protocols “involve intentionally stressful interactions carried out under my orders. If you’re going to work for the Department you must learn skills of diplomacy. Being diplomatic in circumstances where everyone behaves politely and appropriately is no challenge....
  • Father's Day: a celebration of discrimination?(satire)

    06/21/2015 6:43:12 PM PDT · by ReformationFan · 10 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 6-21-15 | Konservative_Punk
    Several special interest groups have come together to protest Father's Day as a day of discrimination, as it allegedly stacks the deck against those women who are unable to become fathers, as well against those men who have chosen not to. "It's like an annual poke in the eye," said one concerned citizen, who did not wish to be self-identified as a member of any particular orientation nor gender. "As Michelle Obama recently said, the time has come to reconsider our traditions and reexamine our historical perspectives in order to accommodate this new generation who may not wish to glorify...
  • Study Shows Belgian Patients Euthanized without their Consent [semi-satire]

    06/21/2015 1:04:58 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Belgium passed its Euthanasia Act in 2002. A study published in this month’s Journal of Medical Ethics by Raphael Cohen-Almagor revealed that despite the law’s requirement that patients voluntarily give their consent to the procedure, many are euthanized without giving consent. The decision to euthanize was not discussed with the patient in nearly 80% of the cases of patients over 80 years old. Dr. Pierre Tueur estimated that “I have probably performed more than 300 of these procedures on patients incapable of giving informed consent. In cases where the patient is unconscious, demented, or unreasonably frightened of death, I feel...
  • Trump Enters Presidential Race [semi-satire]

    06/20/2015 9:51:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 25 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Real estate baron and reality TV star Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring in the race for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination this week. In his announcement in front of a crowd—many of whom were paid $50 apiece to cheer him on—Trump pledged to secure government entitlements. “With the other Republicans in the race, you never know whether they might end up cutting or privatizing Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid,” Trump alleged. “Right here and right now I’m promising that these programs will be fully funded for as long as there is money to pay for them.” Trump...
  • Disgraced NBC Anchorman Moves to MSNBC [semi-satire]

    06/19/2015 3:53:30 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Dismissed from his post at NBC's Nightly News for making up stories, Brian Williams has been reassigned to the company's floundering cable channel where he has vowed "to reclaim my reputation, one viewer at a time." Whether Williams will be able to accomplish was thrown into doubt by his stubborn insistence that his on-the-air fabrications "weren't intended to mislead people." "Fiction isn't inherently untrue," Williams observed. "Many novels and movies portray deeper truths via fictional characters and events. We don't deride Mark Twain or Steven Spielberg for making up stuff. While I don't claim to be as good at it...
  • Parody: Jeb Bush Speaks In Spanish About The Importance Of Speaking In English

    06/17/2015 11:14:22 AM PDT · by smoothsailing · 9 replies
    Western Journalism ^ | 6-7-2015 | Pedro Gonzales
    Parody: Jeb Bush Speaks In Spanish About The Importance Of Speaking In English "If they haven't committed murder, is it really fair to deport?" Pedro Gonzales - June 17, 2015 A parody of a Jeb Bush interview: ( Click image for video)
  • A Most Dangerous Heresy

    06/17/2015 10:34:24 AM PDT · by NRx · 13 replies
    ignatius his conclave ^ | 06-17-2015 | gkirkuk
    The scientific world was shocked and outraged today when the long-awaited papal encyclical on climate change, De haeretico comburendo, was leaked by seasoned Vatican watcher Sandro Magister. Magister was immediately stripped of his press accreditation. In a scathing attack on what he will call ‘the climate change industry’, Pope Francis will claim that recorded changes over recent years are well within generally accepted margins of error, and that evidence that they are primarily caused by human activity are ‘highly speculative and almost certainly exaggerated’. The Pope will call for the resources of global finance now being devoted to lowering greenhouse...
  • Police Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand [semi-satire]

    06/16/2015 3:28:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Police in Overton, Texas ordered two sisters, Zoey (aged 7) and Andria Green (aged 8) to “cease and desist” selling lemonade in their efforts to raise money to buy a Father’s Day gift for their dad. “Selling anything in Texas without a permit is illegal,” explained rousting officer Doug Stamper. “It doesn’t matter that neighborhood lemonade stands have been a time-honored way for kids to make a buck. Under the law, they need to buy a permit if they want to sell lemonade.” The cost of the required permit is $150. Few kids would have the funds to afford it....
  • Violence problem solved: criminals to buy CRIME insurance

    06/16/2015 1:28:10 PM PDT · by HammerT · 14 replies
    The People’s Cube ^ | 6/10/2015 | Comrade Šterpin
    Let's give plaudits for House Democrat Rep. Carolyn Maloney (N.Y.) for her plan to require criminals to buy gun insurance: Democrat Congresswoman Says Making Gang Members Buy Gun Insurance Will Stop Shootings I’m afraid it won't be enough, though. Violence isn’t always the fault of guns; oftentimes it's the fault of fists, knives, feet, cricket bats, broken bottles, sewing needles, derringers, etc. So there has to be a better solution to the country’s rampant violence problem, and not just locking up perps - what is that going to do? We propose a Federal system whereby criminals will be required to...
  • Pennsylvania Teachers Attend Mosque [semi-satire]

    06/15/2015 10:24:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    About 50 teachers and administrators of the Lebanon School District in Pennsylvania got paid time off to attend Islamic religious training. Teacher Lara Book called the day “amazing. Even though the rituals are different what came through loud and clear is that all religions want the same thing.” While the ACLU is normally “johnny-on-the-spot” to protest any show of religion in a public space, especially one where taxpayer resources may be unconstitutionally used to promulgate a faith, spokesman Betram Petty found no problem with this event. “The whole separation of church and state thing is a western way of thinking,”...
  • Boeing Innovation Increases Fliers’ Toilet Access [semi-satire]

    06/14/2015 6:14:20 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Concerned that the space allotted for on-board toilet facilities reduces the number of seats for passengers, the Boeing Corporation is converting all passenger seats on its 777-300ER into “potty chairs.” “Every additional passenger a plane can carry adds badly needed revenue to the airline’s bottom line,” said Boeing’s public relations specialist Anita Crapper. “We thought, if there were a way to convert the space set aside for restrooms into passenger seating it would permit airlines to earn thousands more per flight. By making every seat a ‘potty chair’ airlines can achieve that objective.” Ms. Crapper lauded this innovation as “far...
  • satire USS Gabrielle Giffords Christened As Navy’s First Gun-Free Warship

    06/14/2015 1:57:54 PM PDT · by RightGeek · 44 replies
    DuffelBlog ^ | 6/13/2015 | Ted Heller
    MOBILE, Ala. — Seeking to honor a retired congresswoman and 2011 shooting victim in the most considerate and respectful way possible, the Navy today christened the future USS Gabrielle Giffords (LCS-10), a first-of-its-kind, gun-free warship. Designed to hold a core crew of 40 sailors, the Independence-class littoral combat ship has been stripped bare of its Mk 110 57-millimeter gun, all four of its Mk2 .50-cal machine guns, its Evolved SeaRAM 11 cell missile launcher, and its entire cache of small arms, which are typically issued to boarding teams and watch standers. “Having this mighty warship be 100% gun-free not only...
  • Congressman Introduces Automatic Voter Bill [semi-satire]

    06/14/2015 11:38:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) has drafted legislation that he says “will greatly simplify the whole voting process in this country. Right now we have what is basically an ‘opt-in’ system. Those who want to vote have to take the initiative to register and make a periodic effort to cast a ballot. There is no question this reduces the number of ballots cast and lessens participation in our democratic process.” Under Cicilline’s bill, every voter would be automatically registered to vote on his or her 18th birthday. A notice would be sent supplying each newly registered voter with a postage-paid reply...
  • Homeland Security Searching for Leaker [semi-satire]

    06/13/2015 3:14:02 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Last week’s news that the TSA failed to detect 95% of the weapons smuggled onto airlines in its security test has focused the Department on ways to tighten up security. Readers will be forgiven for mistakenly assuming that the tightening efforts will be on ways to interdict more smuggled weapons. In fact, the main concern, as Secretary Jeh Johnson sees it, “is finding the person who leaked these confidential test results to the media.” “The sad truth is that there is no way we can intercept more than a tiny fraction of actions hostile toward our air transportation system,” Johnson...
  • HUD Eager to Put More Public Housing into Suburban Neighborhoods [semi-satire]

    06/13/2015 11:15:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration’s Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) is working on new regulations that would tie federal aid to the placement of low-income public housing within white suburbs. HUD Secretary Julian Castro explained that “ensuring diversity in every community is a key goal of this Administration. People on welfare shouldn’t be denied the right to live in nice communities just because there is no affordable housing available. Likewise, racists shouldn’t be allowed to insulate themselves from having neighbors of color merely by moving into areas with expensive housing.” A possible fringe benefit for whites under this initiative, according...
  • Angry Obama Vows Vengeance against Trade Bill Opponents [semi-satire]

    06/12/2015 7:14:02 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Alternating between tears and venom, a stunned President Obama ranted against members of his own Party, calling them "faithless turncoats" and alleging that "they are destroying my credibility with foreign nations," after the House of Representatives voted 302 to 126 against the Trade Adjustment Assistance Act--a provision deemed crucial to the fate of his "fast track" trade legislation. The vote came after a rare personal appearance of President Obama to lobby for the legislation. Erstwhile political ally, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), led Democratic opposition to the President's wishes. She remained unfazed by the President's threat "to make life...
  • SATIRE: Netanyahu Endorses Candidate in U.S. Presidential Race

    * TEL AVIV, ISRAEL: In a nearly unprecedented move, Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu has endorsed a candidate in the 2016 race for President of the United States. Netanyahu made his announcement during an early morning press conference Friday. Traditionally, the protocol among heads of state has been to steer clear of any and all political endorsement of other candidates or incumbent heads of state, and to not in any way be involved in the elections of other nations. But perhaps being fueled by anger after recently learning that current U.S. President, Barak Obama has at US taxpayer expense, sent...
  • President Gives TSA “Vote of Confidence” [semi-satire]

    06/09/2015 10:21:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Recent field tests indicating that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) failed to detect smuggled weapons 96% of the time did not deter President Obama from expressing his “continued confidence in the job they are doing protecting our aviation network.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest contrasted the dismal test results with “the absence of any recent real world attacks,” saying that “I’d put more weight on what hasn’t happened than on what might’ve happened. Some are saying that we’ve just been lucky that no terrorists have tried to hijack an airline. But as baseball great Dizzy Dean once said ‘maybe it’s better...
  • New AG Seeks to Federalize All Elections [semi-satire]

    06/08/2015 3:12:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that “it is shameful that we allow each state to determine its own qualifications for voters,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch has proposed new rules that would concentrate all authority over elections under the jurisdiction of her US Department of Justice. “I know that the Constitution gave states the right to run their own elections, but it also gave Congress the right to alter state regulations if it so chooses,” Lynch pointed out. Lynch said she is “especially aggrieved that states get to determine who is and isn’t mentally competent to cast a ballot. By what right does any state...
  • New Candidate for President Vows to Complete Metric Conversion [semi-satire]

    06/08/2015 10:22:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    This week, former Rhode Island Senator and Governor Lincoln Chafee announced he is seeking the Democratic nomination for president in the 2016 election. A key factor in his decision to enter the race is “to bring the much-needed conversion of weights and measurements in this country into line with the metric system.” “The United States is seriously out of step with the rest of the world,” Chafee contended. “When everyone else is using meters and liters it is sheer arrogance for us to be using yards and gallons. It’s like we saying ‘we’re too good to lower ourselves to your...
  • Congresswoman Touts Mandatory Gun Insurance [semi-satire]

    06/07/2015 11:26:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) has introduced the Firearm Risk Protection Act—a bill she says will “make gun violence prohibitively expensive.” The gist of Maloney’s legislation is to require that every gun owner purchase liability insurance covering any injuries or fatalities resulting from the use of their weapons. “My bill would boost the cost of owning a gun by thousands of dollars a year,” the Congresswoman boasted. “This should price firearms out of reach for most people. No longer would owning a gun be a one-time purchase. There’d be continuing annual fees to be paid. The number of persons owning guns...
  • Carter Slams White Feelings of Superiority [semi-satire]

    06/06/2015 6:39:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Former President Jimmy Carter denounced white feelings of superiority as "racist residue" during an interview with the American Association of Retired Persons.(AARP). "Whites who use statistics indicating that Blacks are disproportionately involved in crime or on welfare are making judgments that neglect to consider valid cultural differences," the former President said. "The notion that earning a living is more respectable than subsisting on government benefits is pure prejudice. Logically, accepting welfare rather than submitting to wage-slavery makes perfect sense. Failure to credit Blacks who have made this logical decision reflects poorly on whites." "As for the higher Black participation in...
  • Senator Wants RICO Prosecution of "Climate Change Deniers" [semi-satire]

    06/05/2015 5:32:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Arguing that "the threat of global climate change is the greatest crisis we have ever faced," Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn) has called for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to employ the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act against those who dispute the threat. "Can we really afford to engage in debate when the world is literally melting right before our eyes?" Whitehouse wanted to know. "Those who try to insert feigned skepticism as a barrier to action are worse than jihadi terrorists. They are shills for the corrupt industries that profiteer off Americans' selfish addictions to comfort and mobility....
  • Ferguson Rioters Demand Backpay [semi-satire]

    06/02/2015 12:13:15 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Hundreds of individuals who came from across the country to participate in the riots in Ferguson, Missouri after a police officer shot cigar thief Michael Brown during a physical altercation, are complaining that they are owed backpay by Missourians Organizing for Reform and Empowerment (MORE). “We were promised $5,000 a person per month for keeping that town in the news,” complained Ward Burns, one of 500 protesters bussed in from Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Houston, Los Angeles, Nashville, Portland, Tucson, Washington, D.C., Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and other cities. “We need to get paid.” MORE is funded by left-wing billionaire George...
  • Documents Reveal State Dept Aided Rise of ISIS [semi-satire]

    06/01/2015 8:33:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The latest batch of declassified emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private server indicate that weapons used by ISIS to conquer half of Syria and Iraq were covertly supplied by the US. It appears that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was intimately involved in smuggling armaments from captured Libyan stockpiles to anti-Assad forces in Syria. Current Secretary of State John Kerry defended the arms transfers as “based on the best intelligence we had at the time. We knew Assad was a brutal dictator who needed to be deposed. We thought relying on anti-government elements in Syria could do the job...
  • IRS Defiant on Data Breach [semi-satire]

    05/31/2015 9:43:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    This week’s revelation that hackers stole the identities of 100,000 taxpayers from the IRS was characterized as “small potatoes” by Commissioner John Koskinen. “There are over 120 million individuals who pay federal income taxes. The 100,000 who will be victimized by this data breach represent less than one-tenth of one-percent of the total.” Koskinen went on to boast that “we stop nearly 50% of the breaches we know about before any individual’s information can be used to defraud the government”–an effectiveness ratio that he contended “far outshines your typical performance for any other federal agency.” The Commissioner lamented that “while...