Keyword: satire

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  • UN Human Rights Official Says Islamic State More Open to Diversity than West SATIRE

    03/29/2015 10:47:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    UN human rights chief Zeid Raad al-Hussein told the Security Council that “the Islamic State is more accepting of ethnic diversity than the western governments that are making war on them.” “Islam is open to persons of every race, color, or ethnicity,” Zeid pointed out. “It doesn’t matter if a person is black or white. As long as he accepts Allah as his master he can be a full member of the umma. This stands in contrast to a long history in which western governments have oppressed and even enslaved persons because of the color of their skin.” In support...
  • Bergdahl Didn't Desert, Lawyer Says [semi-satire]

    03/28/2015 8:55:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    While the Army has decided to charge Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and "misbehaving before the enemy," his lawyer, Eugene Fidell, contends that Bergdahl never intended to desert. "Sgt Bergdahl had serious concerns about the lack of discipline in his unit," Fidell contended. "Rather than engaging in idle griping, he took the initiative to try to resolve the problem by conducting an independent inspection of the standards and practices of the Taliban. It was his hope that what he learned could help reform the way US troops behaved while in the field." "His plan was thwarted when the Taliban refused...
  • Administration Reveals Secret Israeli Nuclear Weapons Program [semi-satire]

    03/28/2015 12:34:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has declassified a top secret file disclosing the details of Israel's nuclear weapons program. Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the move as "payback for Netanyahu's deviation from the path laid out for Israel by President Obama. People have got to learn that their actions have consequences. When you defy the world's most powerful man you can't expect to get away unscathed." Earnest also argued that "it may help level the playing field in the Middle East. Even without nuclear weapons Israel has consistently defeated efforts to annihilate it. By publicly releasing this previously secret information the President...
  • (Satire): FBI Admits All Registered Motorcycle Owners Are On Classified Gang List

    03/27/2015 9:11:07 AM PDT · by Baynative · 102 replies
    WaPo ^ | 2/26/15 | N/A
    MSNBC correspondent Jeremy Lancaster sat down with government official Darrin Cornia to discuss recent rumors that have been in circulation in regard to registered motorcycle owners being placed on a classified FBI gang list. After a few moments of introduction, Lancaster bluntly asked the following question,” Mr. Cornia, if I were to make the statement, all registered motorcycle owners are currently showing on a classified FBI gang list, would the statement be true or false? Cornia responded by saying, “That would be a true statement, the FBI has been collecting and compiling Department of Motor Vehicles and Drivers License Division...
  • [Satire Vanity]: New Policies at Barrack Hussein Obama International Airport

    03/26/2015 6:26:55 AM PDT · by The_Media_never_lie · 25 replies
    self | March 26, 2015 | self
    If Rahm Emmanuel gets his wish and O'hare or Midway airports are renamed in honor of President Obama, what will be the policies of the new airport?
  • GOP Urged Not to Lose Sleep Over Possible Executive Tax Hikes [semi-satire]

    03/25/2015 10:32:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised Republicans “not to lose any sleep over the president using his executive power to raise taxes. First, it hasn’t happened yet. So why fret about something that may not occur?” “Second, and even more important, if the president does decide to raise taxes there’s nothing anybody can do to stop him,” Earnest added. “The Internal Revenue Service is subordinate to his authority. If he orders them to increase the government’s take from taxpayers they will unhesitatingly obey. They most certainly won’t be swayed by anything any member of Congress or the courts might say or...
  • Democrats Torpedo Human Trafficking Bill [semi-satire]

    03/24/2015 3:29:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Legislation aimed at deterring human trafficking (kidnapping people and selling them into slavery—especially as prostitutes) was stifled by a Democratic filibuster in the US Senate this week. The offending clause in the bill, as Democrats see it, is language that would bar federal funds being used to fund abortions. Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) explained that “inasmuch as unwanted pregnancy is an even worse fate than being sold as a sex slave we cannot abide placing any limits on a woman’s right to an abortion. A sex slave merely has to endure occasional interludes of undesired intercourse. A woman denied an...
  • Obama: 'Hands-Up-Don't-Shoot' is our new foreign policy

    03/23/2015 12:17:08 PM PDT · by smoothsailing · 4 replies
    The Peoples Cube ^ | 3-23-2015 | Kommissar Brainiac
    March 23, 2015Obama: 'Hands-Up-Don't-Shoot' is our new foreign policy by Kommissar Brainiac The White House announced today that it is adopting an entirely new foreign policy, based on the "Hands-up-don't-shoot" movement that is gaining momentum with community organizations throughout the U.S. "If it works in the streets of America, if it is effective as our domestic strategy, it can work as foreign policy doctrine as well," President Obama said at a press conference Monday. "This may sound like a harsh measure, but we won't hesitate to use it when safety of all Americans is at stake," he added. It is...
  • ICE Releases Another 30,000 Illegal Alien Criminals [semi-satire]

    03/23/2015 8:49:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 March 2015 | John Semmens
    US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced that during 2014 it released another 30,000 illegal aliens with criminal records. This follows the 36,000 it released in 2013. The crimes for which these persons were responsible include homicide, sexual assault, kidnapping, aggravated assault and more than 16,000 incidents of drunk or drugged driving. The released individuals are now free to move about the country. In testimony before Congress, ICE Director Sarah Saldana characterized this action as “the best option we had available to us given the parameters established by President Obama. Is putting criminals back on the street bad? Yes, but...
  • Obama Threatens Israel [semi-satire]

    03/21/2015 12:10:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Stung by Israeli voters’ rejection of his wishes by their reelection of Prime Minister Netanyahu, US President Barack Obama ominously warned that he is weighing a change to America’s long-standing alliance with the Jewish state. “Israel is the ‘odd man out’ in the Middle East,” Obama told Netanyahu in a post-election phone call. “Six million Jews are pitted against a billion Muslims. Based on democratic principles of majority rule, I don’t see how we can continue to side with a tiny minority against the wishes of the vast majority who would like to see Israel eliminated.” “Maintaining an island of...
  • [Satire] Obama Exempts White House from Freedom of Information Act

    03/20/2015 9:21:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that "constant prying by the enemies of this Administration are impeding my ability to smoothly rule this country," President Obama issued a decree exempting the White House Office of Administration from further compliance with the requirements of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) spokesperson Anne Weismann characterized the move as "completely out of step with the President's supposed commitment to transparency." Office of Administration Director Beth Jones defended the move as "a necessary precaution against information falling into the wrong hands. This country is at war with reactionary elements who wouldn't...
  • Obama urges Netanyahu against ignoring billions who chose not to participate in elections

    03/20/2015 4:54:29 AM PDT · by orwell2112 · 33 replies
    Thoughtgrime ^ | March 20, 2015 | Sisyphus
    WASHINGTON (TG) — Frustrated and confused by the notion that a platform based on putting national interests first could win an election, President Obama issued a statement today warning Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu not to “assume he has a mandate just because he got more votes.” “Obviously, the Likud party had a good night. And they deserve credit for running good campaigns. Beyond that, I’ll leave it to all of you and the professional pundits to pick through yesterday’s results,” said Obama. “Still, as the U.S. president, I have a unique and global responsibility to try and make the...
  • Feds Fund “Diet Choker” Technology [semi-satire]

    03/18/2015 1:02:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    With the aid of a $148,000 federal grant, engineers at the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) have developed what they call a “diet choker.” The device is a necklace that detects what and when a person is eating. This information is then communicated by phone. Lead researcher Majid Sarrafzadeh called the device “a breakthrough for healthy eating. If it detects excessive quantities are consumed or poor food choices are made it can be programmed to call the person’s cell phone to remind them that their choice is an unhealthy one.” “If individuals prove insufficiently motivated to alter their behavior...
  • Driver’s Licenses for Illegals Leads to Abundance of Organ Donors [semi-satire]

    03/17/2015 11:53:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    The California Transplant Donor Network hailed California’s policy of granting driver’s licenses to persons in the country illegally for boosting organs available for transplant by an estimated 30 percent. Marcella Corona, community development liaison for the Transplant Donor Network, cited two factors she felt were “critical components of this good news. Obviously, by putting more drivers on the road there will be more potential crashes resulting in brain-dead victims—the prime source of organs for transplant. But the gains are likely to be even greater than mere numbers portend. On average, the driving skills of people from Latin America are decades...
  • Military To End Fat Shaming, Embrace Full-Bodied Warriors (Satire)

    03/17/2015 10:37:50 AM PDT · by Cry if I Wanna · 9 replies
    DuffleBlog ^ | March 15, 2015 | Bill Ashleigh
    THE PENTAGON – Plus-sized service-members everywhere are bursting at the seams with joy after Gen. Martin Dempsey announced Monday that “fat shaming” is the DoD’s newest target in the ongoing War on Hurt Feelings. “Tens of thousands of these brave men and women are already serving in secret,” Dempsey told journalists at a national press conference and hotdog-eating contest. “They are made to feel ashamed, forced to cheat on physical training tests, but now we are ready to give them their just desserts.”
  • Social Security Rolls Show 6.5 Million Centenarians SATIRE

    03/16/2015 9:19:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Although the worldwide population of persons older than 112 years of age is estimated to be only three dozen, an investigation by the inspector general revealed that the Social Security Administration (SSA) has active accounts for 6.5 million persons over that age. Obviously, there aren’t really 6.5 million persons that old living in America. Obviously, many recipients who have been long dead are regularly mailed benefits checks by SSA. Obviously, millions of identities have been stolen and are being used to rack up potential benefits. Sens. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) and Tom Carper (D-Del), who head the Senate committee that oversees...
  • Where's Putin? The Best Of The Memes (SATIRE ALERT)

    03/16/2015 3:47:20 AM PDT · by goldstategop · 4 replies
    BBC News ^ | 03/16/2015 | BBC News
    Russian President Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for nearly two weeks and the internet has responded to his vanishing act in the only way it knows how: memes.
  • Man starts church for jerks

    03/15/2015 8:14:21 AM PDT · by piasa · 28 replies
    YORBA LINDA — Walk into Mark Hanson’s church and nobody will greet you. The guys hanging around the foyer might even make fun of what you’re wearing, or your haircut. A sign over the entrance reads, “Grab a seat in the back and shut up. Nobody cares what you think.” Welcome to Jerk Church. “You know these guys,” says Hanson, the pastor and founder. “They sit with their arms folded the whole time, leave during the altar call, criticize the pastor, snort when other people state their opinions and never create lasting bonds of friendship. Their wives are always really...
  • Kerry Says Admin Won’t Destroy ISIL SATIRE

    03/15/2015 10:22:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Secretary of State John Kerry boasted that “we have the capacity to knock out ISIL, but we’re not going to do it. Eliminating these murderous thugs is not part of the President’s vision for the transformation of America.” By way of explanation, Kerry pointed out that “in the movies, Lex Luthor is a vile criminal, yet Superman never kills him. Why? It’s because there needs to be a balance between good and evil. The same thing can be said for how we respond to ISIL. Wiping them out risks upsetting the balance between good and evil. We need them as...
  • Obama Administration Asks Appeals Court to Void Injunction [semi-satire]

    03/14/2015 10:52:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Lawyers for the Obama Administration filed suit in the New Orleans-based 5th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals, asking it to overturn federal Judge Andrew Hanen’s injunction prohibiting further executive action granting additional rights and privileges to amnestied illegal aliens. “Judge Hanen’s order is unprecedented and wrong,” claimed Administration attorney Abby Lyon. “First of all, a mere district court judge lacks the standing to impede a policy ordered by the president of the United States,” Lyon said. “Second, Judge Hanen was appointed by former President Bush, who is no longer this country’s reigning chief executive. Consequently, Hanen has no mandate to...
  • Obama Admin May Bypass Congress, Seek UN Approval of Iran Deal [semi-satire]

    03/13/2015 10:09:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Maech 2015 | John Semmens
    This week the Obama Administration has indicated it may bypass Congress and go directly to the United Nations to obtain international approval of its pending agreement with Iran. US UN Ambassador Samantha Power cited "the traitorous actions of the 47 United States Senators' who attempted to limit the President's authority with that open letter they signed. They made it clear that their loyalty to the President is in question. Their insistence on using the Constitution as a cloak for Congressional interference has forced the Administration to seek an alternate path toward solidifying the agreement." The "alternate path" would be to...
  • (Satire) 16-Year Old Girl Claims Former President Bill Clinton is Her Father

    03/13/2015 3:07:46 PM PDT · by barmag25 · 123 replies
    Teaparty.org ^ | 3/13/15 | Tea party
    (World News Daily) – A 16-year old girl has presented a paternity action lawsuit this morning, before an Arkansas state court, alleging that the former president of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton, is her biological father. Alyssa Gilmore claims that her mother, a former secretary of the oval office named Whitney Gilmore, had an affair with President Clinton between 1998 and 2001. She says she was born out of that relationship, and demands that Mr. Clinton undergoes a paternity test to prove that her story is true. - See more at: http://www.teaparty.org/16-year-old-girl-claims-former-president-bill-clinton-father-88728/#sthash.FkzK7Ev7.dpuf
  • IRS Insists Giving Tax Refunds to Illegal Aliens Is “the Least We Can Do” [semi-satire]

    03/10/2015 10:52:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 March 2015 | John Semmens
    The IRS has announced plans to follow up President Obama’s illegal grant of amnesty to persons in this country illegally with a program that will permit illegal aliens to receive tax refunds for taxes they never paid. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen defended the move as “a necessary component of the President’s vision for America’s future. The vast majority of these immigrants are poor. They will need substantial help if the President’s dream of transforming our culture is to become a reality. Diverting some of America’s excess wealth to these people via tax refunds is one way of making this happen.”...
  • Cruz Health Care Choice Act Labeled “Exercise in Futility” SATIRE

    03/09/2015 9:40:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 March 2015 | John Semmens
    This past week Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) introduced his Health Care Choice Act. If enacted, this bill would repeal Obamacare’s insurance mandate and allow consumers to purchase a health insurance plan in any state. Cruz characterized his bill as “a true market-based reform that will make health insurance more personal and affordable, giving consumers the freedom to select plans that fit their needs from any vendor in America.” Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest labeled the bill “an exercise in futility. We doubt he can get it past his own Party’s Congressional Leadership. The president is confident that either Senate Majority...
  • Vice President Joe Biden Enters Betty Ford Center, Sources Reveal (C'mon - This is SATIRE folks)

    03/08/2015 12:20:43 PM PDT · by Dr. Thorne · 130 replies
    RANCHO MIRAGE, California – Vice President Joe Biden, 72, reportedly entered the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, California on Feb. 26. According to a source close to the chemical dependency recovery facility, the Vice President was escorted into the Center late Thursday evening by several members of the Secret Service and Dr. Jill Biden, the Vice President’s wife. Biden’s official White House schedule makes no mention of an official event in or near Southern California, leading many to wonder if the the Vice President’s visit is because of a substance abuse or alcohol problem. Biden’s recent headlines concern what...
  • Controversial Imam Hired by DOJ Bureau of Prisons SATIRE

    03/08/2015 10:02:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Fouad El Bayly, an Egyptian-born imam who in 2007 said that Somali-born activist Ayaan Hirsi Ali should be killed, has been hired by the Department of Justice Bureau of Prisons to teach classes and provide leadership and guidance to Muslims who are in federal prison. Bureau of Prisons Director Charles Samuels, Jr. sees no problem with hiring El Bayly, “as I understand it, Hirsi Ali is an apostate. Under the tenets of Islam she should be put to death. That El Bayly has said so merely demonstrates his bonafides as a genuine Muslim scholar. If anything, this should vindicate our...
  • Joe Biden Releases (Both) Emails He Wrote As VP

    03/07/2015 4:25:18 PM PST · by aMorePerfectUnion · 15 replies
    Zero Hedge ^ | 3/6/15 | Tyler Durden
    In what could be a prelude to a Presidential run in 2016, on Friday Joe Biden released to the public both e-mails that he has written while serving as Vice-President for the past six years. Biden took pride in announcing that he had sent both messages from his official government e-mail address, adding, “I have nothing to hide.”
  • Obama Unimpressed by Netanyahu Speech SATIRE

    03/07/2015 8:52:58 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 March 2015 | John Semmens
    While GOP members of Congress seemed mostly impressed by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech on dealing with Iran, President Obama was not. “He didn’t say anything new,” Obama complained. “It was just the same old story about Jews being threatened with annihilation. Iranian officials may have said on several occasions that wiping Israel off the map was their goal, but I have a feeling that they’re just bluffing. Even if they aren’t I doubt that they could succeed where the much more powerful Nazi war machine did not.” “And even if the Iranians did wipe Israel off the map...
  • Hillary: "I set up private email system so that I could surf the net for porn."

    03/07/2015 6:48:34 AM PST · by ken5050 · 38 replies
    one man's opinion...
    Hillary Clinton, facing increasing investigations of her private email accounts while she was Secretary of State, and worried that the scandal could destroy her presidential prospects, sat down yesterday with Oprah (for an interview to be aired tomorrow on MSNBC) to explain that she is "addicted to pornography, and set up the private email system so that she could surf the net without violating federal regulations."
  • Dems Label Inquiry into Hillary's Emails “Witch Hunt” [semi-satire]

    03/06/2015 10:52:17 PM PST · by John Semmens · 53 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 March 2015 | John Semmens
    The revelation that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's use of an insecure private email account for top secret communications has even liberal commentators concerned. On MSNBC's TV news show Morning Joe, Lawrence O'Donnell, a self-described “practical European socialist,” observed that “e-mail system was set up obviously to defy the freedom of Information Act.” Co-Host, Mika Brzezinski agreed saying “this wasn't honest.” On the other hand, State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf attempted to rebuff criticism by repeating Clinton's infamous “what difference does it make at this point?” remark the then Secretary of State made in her appearance before a Congressional...
  • Lawyers for Accused Boston Marathon Bomber Demand Charges Be Dropped [semi-satire]

    03/03/2015 8:43:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Lawyers for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the person accused of complicity in the Boston Marathon bombing, are demanding that charges against their client be dropped. “The law guarantees every person accused of a crime will be judged by a jury of his peers,” said Judith Mizner, lead attorney for the defense. “Mr. Tsarnaev’s peers are his fellow jihadis. None of them can set foot in the courtroom without fear of being arrested. Consequently, Mr. Tsarnaev’s fundamental civil right to a jury of his peers cannot be fulfilled. His indictment should be dismissed.” The federal appeals court in Massachusetts, though, denied Mizner’s request....
  • Executive Action Underway to Ban Bullets SATIRE

    03/02/2015 9:12:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 March 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama has ordered the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) to write a regulation banning 5.56mm ammo. This is the type of bullet used in the AR-15 style semi-automatic—the top-selling rifle in the country. BATFE Director B. Todd Jones characterized the proposed new rule as “pure genius on the part of the President. The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. It doesn’t say anything about ammunition. By going after the bullets we skirt all the arguments the NRA uses to block government’s efforts to disarm the public.” Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Rep. Bob...
  • Departing AG Laments Difficulty of Making Case for Civil Rights Abuses SATIRE

    03/01/2015 9:38:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 28 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Citing the difficulties his office encountered in pursuing charges against George Zimmerman and Darren Wilson, retiring Attorney General Eric Holder urged that changes be made in order to make it easier for the government to bring and win civil rights cases. “The ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ standard is too daunting,” Holder complained. “Does anyone seriously doubt that there was an element of racial bias in the shootings of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown? In my opinion, centuries of the oppression of minorities in this country proves that racism is deeply embedded in the culture. It would be unreasonable to presume that...
  • FCC Issues Secret Regulations for Internet [semi-satire]

    02/27/2015 10:59:05 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Anxious to rescue the Internet from what Federal Communications Chairman Tom Wheeler called a "regime of anarchy," the FCC approved over 300 pages of new rules designed "to bring order to this disorderly segment of our society." "Right now, pretty much anyone with access to the web can do or say whatever he wants," Wheeler pointed out. "This is very distressing to President Obama. At his urging we have adopted rules modeled on policies laid down by our agency in the 1930s." While loath to go into specifics "so as not to lose the very useful element of surprise as...
  • Government Panel Calls for Measures to Upgrade Our Health SATIRE

    02/23/2015 12:57:18 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    The Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee (DGAC) issued a 571 page report outlining its recommendations for transforming Americans' health. Citing persistent high levels of overweight and obesity, the report proposed "strategies across multiple settings, including health care, communities, schools, work sites, and families." First Lady Michelle Obama hailed the report as "the guiding light toward a healthier and happier America. The notion that individuals can be left on their own to choose what they eat and how much to exercise has proven to be a failure. DGAC's call for 'trained interventionists' to take charge is the right message at the right...
  • Satirical Sunday: "Jobs for Jihadists" Applications Flood State Department

    02/22/2015 4:42:28 PM PST · by aMorePerfectUnion · 25 replies
    Zero Hedgeq ^ | 2-22-15 | DC Clothesline
    Via D.C.Clothesline, After U.S. State Department Spokeswoman Marie Harf announced that the long-term strategy in the fight against ISIS was to create jobs for potential jihadists, countless terrorists began filling out applications. Here are a few examples (along with a blank application for potential jihadists on the job hunt)...
  • Democrats Defend Obama’s “Tough Love” for America SATIRE

    02/22/2015 10:45:44 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    In the wake of his questioning of President Obama’s love for this country, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is catching flak from Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “This kind of comment is unwelcome and dangerous,” Schultz said. “The President is the most powerful person on the planet. Insulting him like this is tantamount to poking a lion with a stick. What can Giuliani be thinking?” “What people need to understand is that President Obama is not a ‘rah-rah’ or ‘God bless America’ type of patriot,” Schultz explained. “He’s just the only president to be completely honest...
  • Court Ruling Won’t Impede Amnesty SATIRE

    02/21/2015 9:33:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Texas, Judge Andrew Hanen’s ruling against the Obama Administration’s unilateral rewriting of the nation’s immigration laws has Democrats incensed. Hanen demolished the Administration’s contention that President Obama’s actions were within his “prosecutorial discretion.” “It is within the President’s discretion not to prosecute individuals who have broken our laws,” the Judge said. “It is not within his discretion to create new laws without Congressional legislation.” Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson vowed to press ahead regardless of the ruling. “The opinion of a single judge in Texas can’t overturn the decision of the President...
  • Beheadings in Libya Said to Vindicate Obama's Warning[semi-satire]

    02/21/2015 12:13:45 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    The Islamic State's claim that the beheading of 21 Egyptian Christians was justified as vengeance for the Crusades was cited by US Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest "as a total vindication of the President's speech at the National Prayer Breakfast two weeks ago." "That a cycle of violence initiated by Christians centuries ago would come back to haunt practitioners of that faith today should not have been unexpected," Earnest maintained. "The Crusaders killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims. The ISIL reprisals in Libya were modest and restrained in comparison. Once again, the President's wisdom and insight have clarified what others...
  • Illegal Aliens should get more benefits than Citizens ~ Vanity

    02/18/2015 4:07:41 PM PST · by GraceG · 32 replies
    GraceG
    Now hear me out fellow freepers, before you start spam hate posting me. I think that these poor illegal aliens, ermmm, illegal immigrants, err.. Undocumented Workers, errr.... citizens of the world that apparently lost their documents in tragic paper shredding accident. Where was I? Oh yes they deserve a LOT MORE benefits than any old dumb legal born here citizen from flyover country. We should hire some radical Islamist (who need jobs, obviously) to hand out SNAP and EBT cards at the border to these "folks" so they can get a head start on the "glorious socialist American communist dependency...
  • FEC Mulling Plan to Limit Political Blogging [semi-satire]

    02/17/2015 12:10:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Concerned that “the low cost of Internet communications could adversely impact candidates who communicate by legitimate regulated paid media,” the Federal Elections Commission is considering regulations that would place a cap on blogs and tweets that conforms with campaign finance rules. Under the proposed scheme, the FEC would estimate the monetary value of every political comment made on these media. Once the accumulated value of comments reached the ceiling for contributions to a candidate or ballot measure, the blogger or tweeter would be ordered to stop making any additional comments prior to election day. Failure to do so would subject...
  • Can the Onion and satire survive?

    02/17/2015 9:02:13 AM PST · by Sean_Anthony · 16 replies
    Canada Free Press ^ | 02/17/15 | Arthur Weinreb
    How can the Onion and satire possibly survive when what is really happening in Obama’s America is funnier and more satirical than anything that publication can come up with? Is the concept of satire as portrayed in such publications as the Onion dead? Well, if satire is not dead it is surely on its last legs, at least in the United States. With what is taking place in the world today, especially in the United States under the leadership of B. Hussein Obama, it is difficult to see how the concept of satire can possibly survive. It is not unknown...
  • The Presidents Assigned to Their Proper Schools

    02/16/2015 2:55:39 PM PST · by FlJoePa · 17 replies
    everydayshouldbesaturday.com ^ | 2-16-15 | Spencer Hall
    George Washington. Famous for being first, but hasn't done anything in centuries. RUTGERS John Adams. Sort of forgotten and small and lost to Thomas Jefferson so...WAKE FOREST Thomas Jefferson. Bought Louisiana, had zero scruples, drank hard, and invented the disgraceful sex scandal. LSU James Madison. Tiny, but punched well above his weight, and lasted way longer in the game than he had any right to via craftiness. BOISE STATE James Monroe. Known for having financial difficulties. MARYLAND John Quincy Adams. Thorny bastard who swam naked in rivers for fun and had big-ass sideburns. WEST VIRGINIA Andrew Jackson. Completely insane. Noted...
  • UN Official: Capitalism Must Be Destroyed for Sake of Planet SATIRE

    02/16/2015 9:10:33 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    In remarks to an inner cadre of the U.N.’s Framework Convention on Climate Change, Executive Secretary Christiana Figueres, maintained that “economic progress since the Industrial Revolution has gone too far. The Earth is in danger of being overrun by unconstrained prosperity.” “Capitalists like to contend that the increased life expectancies and material well-being of billions of people is some sort of proof that the system is a good thing,” Figueres said. “But they are wrong. Billions more humans living longer lives in greater luxury is a problem, not a benefit.” “There is no objective evidence proving that people living longer...
  • Walker’s Lack of College Degree Called “Disqualifying” SATIRE

    02/15/2015 9:33:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2014 | John Semmens
    Unsuccessful presidential candidate and former Governor Howard Dean (D-Vt) assailed Wisconsin’s Republican Governor Scott Walker’s lack of a college degree as “disqualifying. Given the complex world we live in, America needs to be led by only the most highly educated men and women. The fate of the nation can’t be entrusted to a guy who couldn’t hack it and dropped out.” “Look, college in the 1980s, when Walker was a student, wasn’t that hard,” Dean argued. “Even the minimally competent could get a degree. A person would’ve had to be incredibly dumb or unmotivated not to have been able to...
  • Amnesty ‘Loophole’ May Allow Illegals to Vote [semi-satire]

    02/14/2015 9:26:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Secretaries of state from Ohio and Kansas say that the documents—driver’s licenses and Social Security numbers—being provided to the illegal immigrants granted amnesty by President Obama open a “loophole” that will make it easy for these non-citizens to vote in our elections. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest questioned the characterization of potential voting by these persons as a “loophole. I would say it would be more accurately described as a ‘feature’ of the President’s executive action regarding the ‘dreamers’ he is trying to aid.” Earnest also took issue with the premise that the “dreamers” being granted these privileges are “non-citizens....
  • An Announcement from President Obama [satire - 30 second video]

    02/13/2015 11:20:21 PM PST · by grundle · 4 replies
    Ted Cruz' YouTube account ^ | February 13, 2015 | Ted Cruz
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtNTNqNizFs
  • [Satire] Islamic State Files Slander Suit against Obama, Kerry

    02/13/2015 11:18:37 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Incensed that the President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry have damaged their reputation by falsely claiming that Islam is a religion of peace, attorneys for the Islamic State have filed a defamation of character suit in the District of Columbia Federal Court. "The unrelenting attempt to portray our righteous slaughter of unbelievers and apostates as contrary to the will of Allah and the tenets of Islam is a slander of the worst kind," insisted attorney Muhammad Baddman. "Islam is the religion of the sword. The Quran commands the faithful to make war on all who resist the...
  • Former Pro-Life Democrat Evolves [semi-satire]

    02/11/2015 6:48:00 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) announced he was switching sides in the pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. The former pro-life Democrat claimed he had an epiphany persuading him that abortion is a woman’s right and that no government had the authority to intervene for any reason. “It is the Congressman’s position that it is not for anyone else to judge whether or when an abortion should or shouldn’t be permitted,” Ryan’s chief of staff Ron Grimes maintained. “And yes, this means up until the moment of birth and for whatever reason the woman finds meaningful, including the sex of the fetus.” Grimes...
  • The Barack Hessein Obama Memorial Landfill Is A Perfect Location for His Presidential Library

    02/11/2015 8:01:20 AM PST · by Stayfree · 29 replies
    Self | February 11, 2015 | Stayfree
    In a fitting honor of his legacy, the state of North Dakota named its new monster landfill as the Barack Hussein Obama Memorial Landfill to underscore the feelings of most Americans with an IQ above 10. "We wanted to do something to honor the president," says Republican State Senator Doug Perlman, who was the lead sponsor of the bill. "And I think a pile of garbage is a fitting tribute to Obama's presidency."