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Keyword: satire

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  • Dems Mull Election Message [semi-satire]

    05/26/2018 1:43:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Democrats have yet to reach a consensus on what message might resonate most favorably with voters this Fall. Citing a poll finding that 60% of voters don't believe the Mueller probe has uncovered any crimes, Democratic strategist Jesse Ferguson suggested that "we need to focus our message on the successes of the investigation. Granted, there hasn't yet been any evidence of Russian collusion, but several people have been indicted for other crimes." Almost all of these "other crimes" involve lying to federal agents. The one seemingly significant crime not in this category is the charge that Paul Manafort engaged in...
  • Seattle Levies Head Tax on Jobs [semi-satire]

    05/21/2018 10:13:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 May 2018 | John Semmens
    In a bid to discourage what it alleges is "wage slavery," the Seattle City Council voted to levy an annual tax of $275 on each person employed in the City by companies grossing $20 million or more. The originally proposed tax rate of $500 was reduced after Mayor Jenny Durkan threatened a veto. Council member Kshama Sawant says he is disappointed the tax isn't higher. "Man's preferred state is leisure," he said. "Forcing people to give up their leisure in order to obtain the means needed to survive is a crime against humanity. The $500 levy was an opening bid...
  • Hillary Clinton to receive prestigious Harvard medal

    05/20/2018 12:44:15 PM PDT · by Salman · 83 replies
    AP via The Sacramento Bee ^ | May 20, 2018 | The Associated Press
    <p>CAMBRIDGE, Mass. -- Hillary Clinton is being honored with a medal during Harvard University's graduation week.</p> <p>The former First Lady, U.S. Senator, Secretary of State and Democratic candidate for president will be awarded Friday in Cambridge with the Radcliffe Medal, which the university says honors individuals whose life and work have had a "transformative impact on society."</p>
  • Campaign Slogan May Not Be a Winner [semi-satire]

    05/20/2018 12:03:22 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Democrat Abdul al-Sayed, Michigan’s first-ever Muslim candidate for governor, may face an uphill struggle in in this year’s election. Political analysts suspect that his campaign slogan: “You may not hate Muslims, but Muslims definitely hate you!” may be too negative to win a majority of votes. “Granted, Michigan has the highest percentage of Muslim voters in the country,” said Democratic Party pollster Vern Spielman, “but even if they go 100% for Sayed I don’t think that overcomes the odds that the 97% of voters who are not Muslims will vote for someone less hostile toward them.” Sayed called objections to...
  • Operation Crossfire Hurricane Exposed [semi-satire]

    05/19/2018 10:42:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 May 2018 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration’s Director of National Intelligence James Clapper called the CIA’s and FBI’s covert and illegal spying on the Trump campaign and administration “fully justified. With a threat as palpable as that posed by Trump we wouldn’t want the agencies set up to protect this country to idly sit by just because they don’t have enough evidence to persuade a judge to issue a warrant. Besides, too many individuals would be involved in the process of trying to obtain a warrant that we couldn’t guarantee the type of air-tight security necessary to achieve the best possible results. Leaks could’ve...
  • Dems Defend MS-13 Against Trump Slander [semi-satire]

    05/19/2018 1:50:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 May 2018 | John Semmens
    This week President Trump again described members of the heinous immigrant gang MS-13 as "animals." His remarks came in response to a complaint that California law forbids local law enforcement officers from notifying ICE that MS-13 gang members are in custody in county jails—resulting in their release back into the community instead of their deportation. Two high-ranking Democrats assailed Trump's remarks. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer characterized the President's words as "a slander against the kind of people who make our country great. Let's not forget that we are a nation of immigrants. If it weren't for the daring and...
  • CNN to Limit Live Coverage of Trump in 2020 [semi-satire]

    05/16/2018 10:41:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    In the event that President Trump runs for reelection in 2020, CNN has vowed to severely limit any live coverage. CNN anchor Don Lemon explained that “the Network feels that our viewers need to be protected from prolonged and unfiltered exposure to Trump’s lies and insults. We recognized that the type of coverage we gave him during 2016 allowed him unfettered access to suggestible voters and may have made the margin of difference needed for him to win over Secretary Clinton.” “By using taped and delayed excerpts instead of live coverage we feel more confident that we can better project...
  • McCain’s Proudest Accomplishments [semi-satire]

    05/15/2018 10:43:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Nearing the end of his life, Sen. John McCain wants Americans to know that he deems his proudest accomplishment was “my loss to Barrack Obama in the 2008 election. At the time I didn’t appreciate it, but in hindsight my role stands out as a key turning point in US history.” “Had I won that election it would’ve been an unremarkable repeat of something that had already happened several times in previous presidential elections—a white war hero wins,” the Senator observed. “But by bungling my campaign—suspending it in late September so I could focus on the economic crisis and muzzling...
  • Donations to Inaugural Called “Suspicious” by Mueller [semi-satire]

    05/14/2018 11:08:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Special Counsel Robert Mueller is now probing what he called “a suspicious pattern of donations flowing in to fund President Trump’s inaugural celebration. Donors from Russia, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar raises serious ‘red flags’ from our point of view. Under normal circumstances this is money that would more typically find its way to the Clinton Foundation or Obama for America.” “What we need to know is why these formerly reliable donors to elements of the Democratic Party and its affiliates would suddenly switch to sharing the cost of the inauguration of a Republican president,” Mueller said....
  • Leading Dems Take Aim at Right-to-Work Laws [semi-satire]

    05/13/2018 10:24:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Aiming to bolster their credentials among the leftist lunatics that now control the Democratic Party, projected 2020 presidential candidates Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Elizabeth Warren (Mass) and Cory Booker (NJ) have jointly drafted legislation that would prohibit states from enacting right-to-work laws. "Allowing states to pass so-called right-to-work laws tramples the right of unions to fulfill their role as representatives of the working class," Sanders maintained. "This stifles their ability to lead workers toward the overthrow of the capitalist system as Marx predicted in the Communist Manifesto and as the Russian Revolution of 1917 proved could be...
  • Euroweenies Complain About Trump's Iran Deal Pullout [semi-satire]

    05/12/2018 11:42:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron decried President Trump's decision to cancel the United States' participation in the Iran deal negotiated by former Secretary of State John Kerry during the Obama Administration. "For more than 70 years we've counted on the United States to protect us from hostile powers," Merkel said. "President Obama gave us his word that the US would protect us from Iran. Now Trump has ripped up the piece of paper that ensured Iran won't develop nuclear weapons until it suits them. All the money the US paid Iran to get this agreement is...
  • FBI "Mole" Inside Trump Campaign Justified [semi-satire]

    05/11/2018 10:08:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    With Congress on the verge of holding the US Department of Justice and the FBI in contempt for repeated refusals to provide unredacted documents related to the Agency's efforts to spy on the Republican presidential campaign and Administration, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein ardently defended the action. "Unredacting these documents would permit members of Congress to discover the methods and the identities of Agency personnel and outside parties who participated in this vital operation," Rosenstein alleged. "This would have a 'chilling' effect on future operations of a similar nature and, as such, would pose a severe limitation on our power...
  • CNN: Evil Trump Kidnaps Three People From North Korean Paradise-SATIRE

    05/10/2018 12:35:06 PM PDT · by fungoking · 11 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 5/10/18 | Staff
    ATLANTA, GA—An exclusive new CNN report revealed Thursday that President Trump has kidnapped three people from the paradise of North Korea, forcing them to get on a plane and return to the United States against their wishes. A teary-eyed CNN anchor broke the story, visibly enraged at the egregious act of international terrorism. CNN reporters had discovered that the three visitors had been in North Korea enjoying a vacation for many months before Trump unilaterally decided to have them forcibly flown back to America, even aggressively accosting them when they landed. “This heartbreaking story shows just how low President Trump...
  • The Old, Blind Cowboy

    05/09/2018 8:19:31 AM PDT · by Oldpuppymax · 22 replies
    The Coach's Team ^ | 5/9/18 | Unk
    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent… In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer...
  • Dick’s Lobbies for Gun Control [semi-satire]

    05/08/2018 11:22:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Unsatisfied that its own decision to stop selling rifles to those younger than 21 years of age sufficiently addresses the company’s concerns about gun safety, Dick’s Sporting Goods has hired Glover Park Group, a DC-based government affairs firm, to lobby Congress for more gun control laws. CEO Edward Stack complained that “it’s unfair that our firm has to totally bear the brunt of lessened sales of these weapons. As it stands now, our heroic and unselfish refusal to sell rifles to people who shouldn’t be allowed to have them merely sends people to our competitors to buy them. This hurts...
  • Maxine Raps Kanye [semi-satire]

    05/07/2018 10:39:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) called rapper Kanye West's recent favorable comments about President Trump "deeply disturbing. Polls already show that Trump's popularity with Black males has doubled over the last week. This is destabilizing the Black community and causing many to doubt the roles assigned to them by the Democratic Party." "By breaking ranks with Black leaders, Kanye is venturing into territory he shouldn't," the Congresswoman asserted. "He has no expertise in politics. If he wants to speak on the topic he should clear what he wants to say with those of us who do have expertise. We will give...
  • Dems Propose Socialism as Cure for US Prosperity [semi-satire]

    05/06/2018 11:36:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 May 2018 | John Semmens
    While Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) was first out of the gate for the 2020 presidential election with a proposal to give everyone who wants or needs a job a $15 per hour spot on a federal government payroll, other hopefuls are signing on to the idea. A poll indicating that 46% of potential voters like the idea has inspired imitators. Sens. Corey Booker (D-NJ) and Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) eagerly endorsed the idea. “I think it’s a good start on the road to an economy where everyone basically works for the government,” Booker said. “Then we could ensure that everyone gets...
  • Schumer Opposes “Taxpayers Right to Know Act” [semi-satire]

    05/05/2018 10:23:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 May 2018 | John Semmens
    The “Taxpayers Right to Know Act” has been passed several times by the US House of Representatives, but has been unable to get to a vote in the Senate due to the 60-vote requirement to end filibusters against it. The Bill would require federal agencies to report on how much programs cost and how effective they have been. While the Bill, sponsored by Sens. James Lankford (R-Okla) and Claire McCaskill, (D-Mo), has bipartisan support, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) vowed to block the legislation calling it “unfeasible and unfair. Look, our government has grown too big to be accurately measured in...
  • FBI Claims Powers to Conduct Secret Investigations, Lie & Intimidate [semi-satire]

    05/05/2018 12:04:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 May 2018 | John Semmens
    This week in the case against former Trump associate Paul Manafort, Special Counsel Robert Mueller argued that U.S. District Judge T.S. Ellis's complaint that he was lied to "evinces a stunning ignorance of FBI procedures. Previous court decisions have clearly established that we have the right to lie if that is what's necessary to trap a guilty party." Mueller also defended pressuring witnesses and suspects. "We have immense resources at our disposal compared to the more limited means of those we are targeting," Mueller pointed out. "Even if we have no evidence or any chance of convicting someone of any...
  • Mayor Blames Street Violence on Businesses [semi-satire]

    04/30/2018 10:21:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Apr 2018 | John Semmens
    Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh blamed the City’s surging murder rate on local businesses. “First of all, most of this City’s retail businesses are open too late,” she lamented. “Keeping your doors open after dark is asking for trouble. This is a time when people should be at home with their families and not be forced to go out to buy things.” “Second, their prices are too high,” she continued. “If merchandise didn’t cost so much people wouldn’t be forced to commit crimes just to be able to afford groceries and liquor. It shouldn’t surprise us that people would use the...