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Keyword: satire

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  • CPUSA Pledges to Support Democrat for President [semi-satire]

    05/25/2016 12:36:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The Communist Party of the United States (CPUSA) has enthusiastically endorsed "comrade Bernie Sanders as the progressive choice to complete the socialist revolution in America," but pledged its "support for whoever emerges with the Democratic Party's presidential nomination." John Bachtell, national chair of the CPUSA expressed his "pleasure with the progressive evolution of the Democratic Party. The Communist agenda has been totally absorbed by this mainstream Party. President Obama has taken this country further down the road than we could ever have hoped to do on our own. Although Bernie has been a long-time member of the revolutionary movement, Secretary...
  • Senator Aims to Redefine "Violent Crimes" [semi-satire]

    05/24/2016 10:54:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    New Jersey Democratic Sen. Cory Booker is seeking a redefinition of "violent crimes." As a co-sponsor of the Sentencing Reform and Corrections Act of 2015 (SRCA), Booker is urging "a candid conversation about how we determine whether crimes are violent or not." "For too long a racist mindset has dominated how we look at crime," Booker charged. "In white society stabbing or shooting someone is considered abnormal and violent. This unfairly stigmatizes Black culture. Sentencing a minority offender based on white standards disproportionately impacts a vibrant segment of society." Booker urged that "we recognize the longer term history of racial...
  • ACLU Bemoans Court’s Pro-Choice Decision [semi-satire]

    05/23/2016 10:45:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    This week Nevada District Judge Eric Johnson dismissed the ACLU’s case against the state’s school choice law. A change to Nevada statutes creating an education savings account (ESA) program that permits students and their parents to choose how to be educated was the source of the ACLU’s ire. Author of the legislation, State Sen. Scott Hammond (R-Las Vegas) said his aim was “to enable families to completely customize their child’s educational experience, and ensure students can match education options and providers to their unique learning needs.” These accounts can be used to pay for private school tuition, online learning, special...
  • Pope Confuses Christians [semi-satire]

    05/22/2016 11:32:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Pope Francis startled many Catholics this week by likening Jesus' admonition to his apostles to go forth and preach the Gospel to Mohamed's call for Muslims to wage jihad against unbelievers, calling both "incitements to conquest." "In a way, beheading someone or blowing them up may be less intrusive than Jesus' command to 'love thy neighbor' or to 'turn the other cheek,'" Francis said. "The jihadi attacks the body, but the Christian missionary invades the soul. Even the most grievous injury to the flesh is transitory. But changing a person's soul persists beyond his temporary Earthly existence." Francis went on...
  • White House Defends Rhodes’ Lies [semi-satire]

    05/21/2016 10:41:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    While Deputy National Security Adviser Ben Rhodes’ lies about the Iran deal are a self-admitted matter of public record, an irate GOP controlled Congress will not be permitted to call him to testify. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest brushed aside Rhodes’ admission in a New York Times feature article that “we fabricated the narrative and played the media like a fiddle,” as a “youthful mistake borne of an excess of enthusiasm. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Rhodes has the full confidence of President Obama and was carrying out his directives as he briefed the media regarding the...
  • "Ugly Women Will Put Hillary in White House" Says Dem [semi-satire]

    05/20/2016 4:13:55 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 29 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) bragged that "ugly women will put Hillary in the White House next November. Donald Trump may have sponsored beauty pageants, but let's face it, the overwhelming majority of women are ugly. They're going to vote for one of their own kind over a billionaire misogynist." "For one thing, the Democratic Party is a better friend to ugly women," Rendell contended. "We give them what they want. We give them welfare, which comes in handy if you're too ugly or nasty to hold onto a man. We enact laws that give them the right to...
  • NYC Mayor Orders Bars to Serve Pregnant Women [semi-satire]

    05/18/2016 4:29:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio banned bars operating in the city from refusing to serve alcohol to pregnant women. This is despite virtually universal medical advice against the consumption of alcohol by expectant mothers. The Mayor said he is "cognizant of the damage that might be done to an unborn child if its mother imbibes, but the possibility of harm is not a sufficient reason for a business establishment to discriminate against these women. Under New York's laws a woman has an unconstrained right to kill her unborn child if she so chooses. The less extreme option of...
  • Transgender school house Rock:I'm just a bill but I wanna be Jill

    05/18/2016 12:06:00 PM PDT · by mainestategop · 9 replies
    YOUTUBE ^ | Steven Crowder
    From http://LouderWithCrowder.com How does a bill become a law? How does a law cause so much controversy like in North Carolina or Georgia. Why are the LGBTQAAI warriors so angry at the transgender bathroom bills? Allow trans-gender bill to explain.
  • Judge Blocks Restitution to Innocent Man [semi-satire]

    05/18/2016 11:31:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Guillermo Espinoza's efforts to retrieve $19,894 seized by Arkansas State Police were brought to an abrupt halt by Judge Chris Williams. State prosecutors asked that the money be returned to Espinoza since no criminal charges were being pursued against him. Williams rejected this request on the grounds that Espinoza had missed the 10-day deadline for filing the papers to initiate restitution. As Williams sees it, "the rules on civil forfeiture are clearly spelled out in statute. Whether or not Mr. Espinoza was or wasn't engaged in any illegal activity is irrelevant. Arkansas law gives the government the right to seize...
  • Debate on Pot Legalization Heats up in California [semi-satire]

    05/16/2016 10:30:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The debate over a California initiative to legalize recreational marijuana sparked heated rejoinders from both sides this week. Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R) suggested that legalization "will better deploy law enforcement resources. Energy that is now put into harassing inoffensive users of marijuana can be redirected toward suppressing more serious crimes like rape and murder." Leading opponent of legalization, Ventura Police Chief Ken Corney, president of the California Police Chiefs Association, challenged the Congressman "to name one so-called rape or murder victim who might otherwise have been spared if police officers weren't occupied enforcing our drug laws." "Potheads like to portray...
  • Pedophile Airways and Island Resort (Satire)

    05/15/2016 5:15:29 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    Satire & Sarcasm | 5/15/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    Pedophile Airways and Island Resort announced today that it has reduced its prices and will give "double miles" to increase traffic to the resort. Double miles may be earned at any retail store or public educational facility operating under President Obama's "anything goes bathroom rules". Dreaming of a get away with that 12 year old boy or girl? Why while away the hours at the NSA, DEA, BLM, EPA, BLS, etc. watching child porn when you can be on a plane and in the action within hours. Many payment plans are available. Can't spend those kickbacks from the BLM job......
  • Zuckerberg Denies Suppressing Conservative News [semi-satire]

    05/15/2016 5:00:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Reports that Facebook moderators routinely suppress trending news favorable to conservatives were vigorously denied by CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who claimed "I don't even know who the leaders of the conservative movement are. So how can I or my employees be biased against them?" This is the second display of ideological bias to issue from Zuckerberg this year. Earlier, the Facebook executive berated employees for abusing a company-granted "freedom-of-expression" policy to write "all lives matter" on a wall devoted to free expression in the company's Melo Park, California headquarters. "I could not allow the insensitivity toward the 'Black lives matter' meme...
  • President Decrees New Nationwide School Restroom & Locker Room Law [semi-satire]

    05/15/2016 1:25:41 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid aimed at "stopping a confusing patchwork of divergent rules," President Obama issued an executive order mandating that every public school in the United States make all previously sexually-segregated restrooms and locker rooms open to persons of both sexes. Instead of relying on biological differences to determine which toilets, which showers, or which athletic teams students should have access to, schools must now use psychological differences. Biological males who think of themselves as female must be allowed to use facilities previously restricted to biological females, and vice versa. Vanita Gupta, head of the Justice Department's Civil Rights Division...
  • Clinton Foundation Scandals Pooh-Poohed by Insider [semi-satire]

    05/14/2016 4:17:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Bill Allison, a senior fellow at the Sunlight Foundation, a government watchdog group, labeled the so-called charity "a slush fund for the Clintons. Only a small fraction of the money raised is distributed as aid. The vast bulk of the money is used on administration, travel, salaries and bonuses, with the fattest payouts going to family friends." Clinton Foundation spokesman Craig Minassian asserted that "no laws have been broken. How any charitable trust spends the funds it receives is a matter of discretion. The donors all gave voluntarily. They wanted the Clinton family to have this money. We haven't heard...
  • White House Dismisses Court Ruling on Obamacare [semi-satire]

    05/14/2016 11:00:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Federal Judge Rosemary Collyer's ruling that the Obama Administration has been illegally subsidizing health insurance companies failed to faze the President or his minions. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked "the impotence of the President's political opponents. These court cases are an act of desperation. The GOP has lost this battle in the public arena. Voters reelected President Obama. That gives him all the mandate he needs to govern this country. Complaining that Congress never appropriated the money for the subsidies seeks to elevate a constitutional technicality above the will of voters." The "constitutional technicality" that Judge Collyer found persuasive...
  • Pope To Commission Study To Find More Ways He Can Confuse People

    05/14/2016 9:17:01 AM PDT · by ebb tide · 17 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | May 12, 2016 | Admin
    Pope Francis said today that he would set up a commission to study whether or not he can find more ways to confuse and frustrate the living crap out of people, revealing an openness to re-examining the church’s long-held insistence on not speaking off-the-cuff. His move was hailed as a breakthrough by those in the media who have clamored for years to be given more stuff to speculate on, and who cite research showing that a pope whose speeches were scripted and thought out produced nothing for the media to report on, and therefore, pointless. But the idea will face...
  • London Mayor Endorses Hillary, Warns against Electing Trump [semi-satire]

    05/14/2016 2:06:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Recently elected London Mayor Sadiq Khan formally endorsed Hillary Clinton for president and warned that "her Republican opponent's ignorant anti-Muslim views will bring retribution." "The gift of Islam is free for the taking," Khan said. "All are welcome to join the umma. Those who wish to remain unbelievers are free to do so, but they must show proper respect toward the one true religion. Mr. Trump's proposal to ban Muslims from coming to America is disrespectful. Allah has given the world to Muslims. It is not for any unbeliever to say where Muslims may or may not go." Khan predicted...
  • EU to Fine Member Nations for Rejecting Refugees [semi-satire]

    05/10/2016 10:51:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Concerned that the flow of Muslim immigrants into the European Union might be deterred if member nations refuse to accept ever enlarging quantities of refugees, officials are implementing a €250,000 (about $300,000) per head fine for every refugee not allowed into a country. EU spokesman Geert Waloon explained that "the European reproduction rate is far below replacement levels. If our countries are to avoid becoming uninhabited 'ghost towns' we must increase our population. The refugees are fertile and not averse to generating offspring. Securing an abundant supply of them will ensure that EU government workers will have an adequate number...
  • Conservative Author P.J. O'Rourke Reluctantly Backs Clinton

    05/09/2016 8:46:48 PM PDT · by Innovative · 154 replies
    NPR ^ | May 9, 2016 | Scott Detrow
    "I have a little announcement to make ... I'm voting for Hillary. I am endorsing Hillary," noted conservative author P.J. O'Rourke said on NPR's Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me. The episode aired over the weekend.
  • German Army Hampered by Overtime Rules [semi-satire]

    05/09/2016 10:55:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The German Army had to shorten its participation in recent NATO war-game exercises because the government's labor regulations restrict the number of continuous hours troops can be on duty. Minister of Defense Rinehart Schwachkopf defended the move asserting that "preserving the rights of the worker against exploitation is an essential function of the German government. If we start discarding rights on the pretext that 'defense is too important' to have to comply with regulations intended to protect these rights we raise the question of what are we fighting for if not to protect Germans' rights?" Schwachkopf acknowledged that "enemies of...
  • DOJ Suggests Hillary's Lawbreaking "Not Malicious" [semi-satire]

    05/08/2016 11:02:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Trying to map a politically viable route out of the national security infractions committed by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch professed herself "unable to find any evidence that Secretary Clinton had any malicious intent." "We're thinking that her use of an unsecured private computer server for classified communications was just an honest mistake that could more properly be attributed to ignorance or incompetence," Lynch speculated. "Judging from events on the campaign trail, it is not implausible to hypothesize that brain damage from a concussion she suffered last year or early onset dementia are more...
  • Medical Errors Third Leading Cause of Death in US [semi-satire]

    05/07/2016 11:55:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2016 | John Semmens
    A study published in the prominent medical journal BMJ concluded that errors by doctors and hospitals kill more than 250,000 people a year in the US. Martin Makary, professor of surgery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, led the research team and said “It boils down to people dying from the care that they receive rather than the disease for which they are seeking care.” “In recent years a lot has been made of the issue of people living without health insurance and how the government must take heroic efforts to compel everyone to obtain insurance,” Makary observed....
  • Obama Being Sued By Dreamer (satire)

    05/06/2016 6:52:02 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet
    Satire & Sarcasm | 6 May 2016 | RetiredTexasVet
    Today the Obamas were named in a civil suit filed in Washington, D.C. by civil rights lawyers of the firm S. Lash, Burns, & Cheatem. The plaintiff (name withheld) is an underage Lesbian white Hispanic Dreamer who was publicly bullied when she asked the older Obama daughter out to the Prom. The Obama daughter not only rejected the date but made a vocal public display of the rejection. It is alleged that Mr. Obama threatened the "immigrant/refugee" family with deportation if they didn't hush the girl up. Unconfirmed sightings of "Fast & Furious" DOJ and BATF agents were rumored to...
  • Candidate Says Coal Remarks "Taken out of Context" [semi-satire]

    05/06/2016 4:19:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Seeking to dissuade West Virginia voters from holding her promise "to put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business" against her, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton maintains that "those remarks have been distorted by being taken out of context." The specific context, according to the candidate "was the need to get the votes of environmentally conscious individuals in states that have no coal industry. For my opponents and the media to inject that statement into the West Virginia primary distorts the nuanced messages I am trying to express to the varied constituencies around the nation. It...
  • Hillary Floats Pair of Controversial Ideas [semi-satire]

    05/03/2016 10:30:39 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid to solidify her leftist credentials, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton floated a couple of ridiculous ideas about how this country will improve when she is president. On the urban violence front, Clinton proposes to "reset" the relationship between police and street gangs. "The knee jerk attitude of the average American toward urban gangs is that they are a bad thing," she observed. "What they overlook is that joining a gang is like having a family. It's feeling like you're part of something bigger than yourself. I think this is a positive thing. Another positive is that the...
  • Trump Foreign Policy Speech Alarms Allies [semi-satire]

    05/02/2016 11:36:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's emphasis that the guiding principle for foreign policy under his administration will be "America first" has made some of our European allies nervous. Germany's foreign minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier characterized Trump's stance as "arrogant and selfish. To put America first is offensive to my ears. He is denying our equality and our right to participate in determining what America must do to protect all of our mutual interests. If this kind of self-centered viewpoint had prevailed in an earlier era my country and perhaps all of western Europe would today be run by fascists or communists."...
  • EPA Refuses to Pay Damages for Its Toxic Spill [semi-satire]

    05/01/2016 10:40:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Colorado Republicans blasted the EPA after an agency official refused to cover the full cost of damages done by the EPA’s release of toxic sludge from the Gold King Mine last August contaminated water supplies in Colorado and New Mexico after spreading from the Animas River to the San Juan River. EPA official Bill Murray explained that “people need to understand that when we took responsibility for the spill we were making a moral statement, not agreeing to compensate anyone for any injuries suffered. The government has ‘sovereign immunity’ and cannot be held liable without its consent. Obviously, we are...
  • Obama Calls His Management of the US Economy "Best in Human History" [semi-satire]

    04/30/2016 10:57:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Despite declines in labor force participation, family income and home ownership juxtaposed to increases in poverty, debt, and health care costs, President Obama maintains that his Administration "probably managed the American economy better than any large economy on Earth in human history." The President lambasted critics who cite GDP statistics that show Obama to be the only president that has failed to deliver even a single year of 3% growth—making his the worst performing administration since Herbert Hoover's during the early years of the Great Depression. "Growth and prosperity aren't the only metrics by which we should judge what has...
  • Denmark Plagued by Migrant Crime Wave [semi-satire]

    04/30/2016 1:51:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The generosity of Danes opening their borders to immigrants from Muslim countries has been repaid by an astounding surge in crimes committed by these foreigners. Though these foreigners make up only 8% of the country's population they account for over 75% of the crimes committed and over 80% of those drawing unemployment benefits from the government. Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders, who has frequently offered up Denmark as an exemplar of the kind of social policies we ought to adopt in the United States, professed himself "not the least bit disturbed by these results. Compared to the places these...
  • The Power Of Positive Declarations: Joel Osteen Can Now Fly satire

    04/27/2016 8:11:47 PM PDT · by fungoking · 7 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 2/28/16 | Staff
    The Babylon Bee | Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire. Home Celebs CelebsMinistriesU.S. The Power Of Positive Declarations: Joel Osteen Can Now Fly February 28, 2016 HOUSTON, TX—Joel Osteen, celebrity senior pastor of Lakewood Church, has been proclaiming the life-changing power of regular, vocal, positive declarations and self-affirmations for years, and for just as long has pointed to his own life and accomplishments as irrefutable evidence of their efficacy. “My primary residence has more elevators than your house has bathrooms,” he told churchgoers in a recent sermon. “And do you know why? It’s because I declared it would happen....
  • Cruz, Kasich Fuse Into Single Candidate In Last-Ditch Effort To Stop Trump (Jed Crusich!!)

    04/26/2016 3:55:28 PM PDT · by Mrs. Don-o · 31 replies
    Babylon Bee, note, a satire site ^ | April 26, 2016 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a scientific marvel reportedly funded by the Koch brothers, Ted Cruz and John Kasich announced at a press conference Tuesday that they have fused into a single candidate, in what is being seen as a last-ditch effort to deny Donald Trump the Republican nomination. The new candidate, named Jed Crusich, reportedly came into being by merging the bodies and essences—and voting bases, as the plan certainly goes—of the two former candidates Cruz and Kasich. Also fused are their delegate counts, bringing Crusich to 707—within striking distance of Trump’s 845. Crusich, whom Donald Trump has already dubbed “Cheatin’ Jed”...
  • No, The Primary System Is Not Rigged

    04/26/2016 10:52:16 AM PDT · by SeekAndFind · 98 replies
    American Thinker ^ | 04/26/2016 | George W. Ford
    For the past month, a media narrative has taken hold that something must be done to reform, simplify, streamline, and democratize the delegate selection system of the Republican presidential nomination process. Is our GOP presidential primary system rigged, meaning it is corrupt because it favors the establishment? Is it convoluted, arbitrary, arcane...and too often "voteless"? Is it wrong to allow "Trojan horse" delegates to change their vote on the second ballot of the national convention? Why do we have a separate election for delegates after we vote for candidates? The system is not rigged, convoluted, arbitrary, arcane, or voteless. It...
  • California Bill Would Effectively Ban All Gun Dealers [semi-satire]

    04/26/2016 10:01:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Assembly Bill 2459, sponsored by Assembly Member Kevin McCarty (D-Sacramento) would institute such draconian regulations on firearms vendors that most, perhaps all, would be driven out of business. This is okay by McCarty, though, because "it would draw a distinct line between the duly authorized and armed police and the outlaws who possess guns." "Let's say that all legitimate gun dealers shutdown," McCarty speculated. "There would be no legal way for a law-abiding citizen to obtain a firearm. The only available source would be an illegal street purchase. In one fell swoop, my bill would convert everyone with a gun...
  • Letter To The Editor NAILS The “Top 12 Reasons To Vote Democrat”

    04/26/2016 9:22:38 AM PDT · by Morgana · 16 replies
    headlinepolitics.com ^ | April 26, 2016 | HPWriter
    It goes without saying that liberals aren’t the most ideologically consistent bunch out there. As a resident of New Jersey, it’s impossible to find a newspaper that isn’t in the tank for Democrats. Even the letters to the editor can be painful to read. Apparently that isn’t the case in the rest of the country! This man wrote a tongue in cheek letter to the editor explaining his top twelve reasons to vote Democrat, and he NAILS it.
  • Illegal Aliens Have "Lawful Presence" Says Solicitor General [semi-satire]

    04/25/2016 12:12:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    The lawless Obama Administration's Solicitor General Donald Verrilli told the Supreme Court that "persons in the United States illegally may be granted a 'lawful presence' at the discretion of the President. As the nation's legal sovereign his word is law and supersedes the legal constraints imposed by statute or the Constitution" and urged the Justices to reject the lawsuit being pressed by 26 states "because they are relying on an out-dated conception of the powers of government." "Rather than inventing a new executive power not contemplated by the framers of the Constitution, why doesn't the President just utilize the power...
  • [Satire] Obama Inadvertently Boosts Brexit Movement

    04/24/2016 10:31:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    President Obama's pledge "to never set foot in the UK again if that country's voters decide to leave the European Union" appears to have bolstered the movement pushing for that objective. Independence Party leader Nigel Farage said "this threat from the odious Mr. Obama is a shot-in-the-arm to our efforts to extricate our country from the bureaucratic tyranny that the EU has become. It's like a 'buy one, get one free' offer. Not only will the people of the United Kingdom get to disentangle ourselves from the EU's continental fops, we will also, apparently, see the last of America's premier...
  • Axl Rose Reveals He Is Transgender (satire)

    04/24/2016 10:01:21 AM PDT · by Morgana · 40 replies
    ncscooper.com ^ | April 21, 2016 | Cleveland Sam
    Los Angeles, CA — Axl Rose, lead singer of the legendary band Guns N Roses, has recently revealed to the world a secret he has kept to himself for over 45 years. He is a transgender man. He was born Willmena Rose, as a female. Axl Rose was born in 1962 to a 16-year-old Mother in Lafayette, Indiana. His birth name was Willmena Bruce Rose. Rose’s dad left the family soon after to pursue a career in drinking. At age 6, after Rose’s Mom remarried, Willmena began acting as boys do, eating dirt and throwing rocks properly. She began dressing...
  • [Satire] Virginia Governor Enfranchises Felons

    04/23/2016 4:14:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire Blog ^ | Posted on April 23, 2016 | John Semmens
    Saying he is tired of waiting for the legislature to take action, Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) issued an executive order restoring voting rights to convicted felons. The move is expected to add more than 200,000 Democrats to the state’s voter rolls. “Ours is a government of, by, and for the people,” McAuliffe said. “This means all the people. For better or for worse, criminals are part of society. As members of society they are entitled to the human right to vote, to choose who will represent their interests in the halls of government.” The Governor brushed aside Republican objections, calling...
  • Dem Operative Says "Hillary Will Be Elected Even If She's in Jail" [semi-satire]

    04/23/2016 10:51:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Long-time Democratic insider, and current CNN political correspondent, Bob Beckel predicted that "Hillary will be elected president even if she's in jail on election day. The American people don't care about emails or computer security. Their expectations are that those they elect to lead them will rise above a literal compliance with the law in order to more effectively wield the power that is necessary to govern the nation." Beckel discounted the possibility that Clinton's legal troubles would pose any impediments to her assumption of the presidency. "I'd say that by winning in November she will have been effectively 'pardoned'...
  • Obama Threatens to Veto 9/11 Bill [semi-satire]

    04/22/2016 6:19:57 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Legislation that would declassify a portion of the 9/11 Commission report on the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon in 2001 "will be vetoed by the President" said Press Secretary Josh Earnest "because it would disclose that government officers in Saudi Arabia provided the 'seed money' for al-Qaeda and, thus, do irreparable damage to the relationship between our two countries." "While there is no evidence that aiding al-Qaeda was the official policy of the Saudi government there is evidence that lower ranking government officials may have been involved," Earnest admitted. "Should the Saudi government have done a better...
  • Report: Treasury Dept. changes mind on $10 bill, chooses another woman to replace Hamilton (satire)

    04/22/2016 3:14:59 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 2 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-22-16 | The Looking Spoon
    Following the announcement of Harriet Tubman becoming the new face of the 20 dollar bill the Treasury Department revived a plan to also replace Alexander Hamilton on the 10 dollar bill with another female pioneer in American History. Glamour Woman of the Year award winner Caitlyn Jenner. For the selection committee tasked with finding Hamilton's replacement the decision to go with Jenner was an easy one. "How many women in our country's history win Olympic gold competing against men?" said Dane. "I mean, you've got to be really tough to do that, I heard she even lived like a man for...
  • Another Whole Foods accused of putting a hateful 3-letter slur starting with "G" on a cake (satire)

    04/20/2016 7:31:22 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 11 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-20-16 | The Looking Spoon
    A San Francisco bay area resident is accusing the bakery staff at the local Whole Foods of adding an "extremely offensive" three-letter slur that starts with a "G" to a cake custom cake ordered at the store. The cake in question was commissioned to say "Love Wins" at the top, but upon receipt of the cake Gianny Limpschtick claims that someone at the Whole Foods wrote "GOP" below. "I can't even say look at it much less say it," said Limpschtick. "I'm not only upset because the cake has been ruined, but San Francisco is a safe space, and that...
  • Transgender woman sues government to force installation of urinals in womens bathrooms (Satire)

    04/20/2016 10:46:37 AM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 45 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-20-16 | The Looking Spoon
    Citing "genitalia discrimination," a transgender woman is suing the government to write regulation requiring the installation of urinals in women's bathrooms. "I want to have the right to use the bathroom for the gender I identify with," said the woman who asked to go by the name Venus. "It's really very simple. I may or may not go through with the operation. If I choose not to I shouldn't have to spent the rest of my life feeling like bathrooms can't be a safe space for me because I have to sit down when I could just whip it out...
  • Hollywood Announces Plans To Create Even More Inaccurate, Terrible Bible Movies

    04/19/2016 8:56:38 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 20 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | March 31, 2016
    SATIRE (Or is it?) HOLLYWOOD, CA—Fresh off recent blockbusters such as Noah and Exodus: Gods and Kings, multiple Hollywood studios confirmed Thursday that they are looking forward to creating even more terrible Christian movies featuring wild inaccuracies and an offensive departure from the truth as presented in the Bible. “We love what we do,” Warner Brothers Vice President Lance Metriculo told reporters. “Take the movie Noah. Originally, we tested a very ‘blah’ movie, without a misanthropic, baby‐hating Noah, drug‐addled Methuselah, or stone golem Nephilim. Boy did we dodge a bullet there, we laughed, after we made all those changes! Then...
  • Study Shows Government Less Cyber Secure [semi-satire]

    04/19/2016 11:14:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    A study released by Security Scorecard found that all levels of government had a worse record of cyber security than major business firms. In measures of vulnerability to malware and security breaches, federal, state, and local governments ranked at the bottom. Education, telecommunications and pharmaceutical industries were almost as bad. Information services, construction, food and technology were the best. Of the 600 government entities tracked, NASA performed the worst. Other low-performing government organizations included the U.S. Department of State. This latter revelation was jumped on by the Hillary Clinton for President campaign as "a total vindication of Secretary Clinton's decision...
  • BATHROOM RE-OPENS WITH ON DUTY COMPLIANCE OFFICER

    04/19/2016 4:49:31 AM PDT · by bert · 34 replies
    Towndock.net ^ | April 15, 2016 | Staff
    After being closed since late March, Oriental’s public restroom is again open. The town has been able to hire a certified Gender Compliance Officer. Located by the harbor near the new Town Dock, Oriental’s public bathroom opened to great acclaim in December. However, the Town was forced to quickly shutter the facility when the NC legislature passed HB2 on March 26. NC Law HB2 mandates that “users of public restrooms use bathrooms corresponding to the gender on their birth certificate.” Without a way to check birth certificates, bathroom use had to be shut down, or the town was vulnerable to...
  • Donald Trump is a visionary with talents our country needs

    04/18/2016 1:37:56 PM PDT · by GilGil · 41 replies
    Jewish Telegraphic Agency ^ | 4/18/2016 | Jason Dov Greenblatt
    I am executive vice president and chief legal officer of The Trump Organization. I have been working with Donald Trump for over 19 years. I am an observant, committed Jew. What comes to my mind when I think of Donald Trump? Inspiration. He inspires people of all kinds to work hard and do their best. He inspires people to dream and fosters an environment where people can advance their dreams. He will not take no for an answer, and he crafts creative solutions to problems. Loyalty. Many of his employees have worked for him for 20 to 30 years or...
  • Vice President Biden learns the disappointing truth about superdelegates

    04/18/2016 12:23:55 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 4 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-18-16 | The Looking Spoon
    Vice President Biden is pictured above reacting to the revelation by Hillary Clinton that the Democratic Party's super-delegates are, unlike them, just regular old human beings. While agreeing that their sole purpose for existing is to heroically protect her from losing the nomination, super-delegates do not, in fact, have super-powers such as: Tax-ray vision, mainstream media invisibility, abortion claws, a magic red tape lasso, debt deflectors, terrorist noise cancelers, tyranny empathizers, and a logic shield made out of laminated race cards. Clinton then went on to clarify that any Democrat has all of those things, but they are actually perks...
  • Bi-Partisan Anti-Encryption Bill in the Works [semi-satire]

    04/18/2016 11:51:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Senators Richard Burr (R-NC) and Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) have introduced a draft bill that would effectively bar any private parties from owning encrypted phones, computers, or other devices that are not accessible to government surveillance. Burr emphasized “the important law enforcement objectives we are attempting to protect through this legislation. Criminals must not be allowed to hide their nefarious schemes from duly appointed police authorities. We cannot protect the general public if police are hampered by the inability to pierce any communication between criminal co-conspirators.” Partnering-sponsor Feinstein alleged that “there is no legitimate need for anyone to insist upon privacy...
  • Reid Wishes Senate Seat Were a "Lifetime Gig" [semi-satire]

    04/17/2016 4:56:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Though he has opted not to run again, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said "I wish I could stay in the Senate until I drop dead. The whole process of having to repeatedly seek voter approval to stay in office is tiresome and demeaning. A senator should be allowed to stay as long as he wants or until he is deposed or executed by the ruling sovereign as was the case in ancient Rome." Reid opined that "pleasing an emperor or a president is a much simpler task than pleasing the average voter. Think about it. Isn't the voice...