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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Kerry Calls for Stricter Government Regulation of Internet [semi-satire]

    05/26/2015 10:58:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    In a speech in South Korea US Secretary of State John Kerry called for government to play a bigger role in what goes on the Internet. Kerry advised that “we take a lesson from what’s going on in North Korea. Sure, there are a lot of things wrong with the way Kim is governing his country, but that doesn’t mean everything he’s doing is a mistake.” “A key positive in Kim’s policies is the government’s larger role in filtering what the citizens of North Korea can see and hear from the Internet,” the Secretary maintained. “Antisocial content that could undermine...
  • Police to use purple uniforms to “soften image” [satire]

    05/25/2015 10:01:00 AM PDT · by EveningStar · 54 replies
    Call the Cops ^ | May 23, 2015 | RJ
    Last week the President called for police to soften up uniforms to improve public relations. In response the Department of Justice is getting ready to field test new uniforms in friendly colors. Various shades of Purple are being tested as it seems to be universally thought of as a color of friendship.
  • Pay Hike Needed to Boost Congress’ Morale [semi-satire]

    05/25/2015 10:35:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Several Democrats, including Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (Md), made the case for higher compensation this week citing “the low morale among those of us in the legislature who can only salivate at the sums being hauled in by ex-presidents and others for trifling amounts of work. As members of a body of 435 we won’t have the same name recognition. We won’t be invited to pontificate on sundry topics for piles of cash.” Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) seconded Hoyer’s remarks saying “we need to get a bigger piece of the pie now! We pass laws doling out billions to important...
  • Maulana Fazlur Rehman Calls For Military Operation Against Jeans-Wearing Women (NUTTY ISLAM ALERT)

    05/24/2015 7:45:14 PM PDT · by goldstategop · 29 replies
    Khabaristan Times ^ | 05/22/2015 | NA
    Islamabad: Jamiat Ulema-e-Islami Fazl (JUI-F) Chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman following the Friday sermon requested the armed forces of Pakistan to launch a military operation against “jeans-wearing women” all over Pakistan in a press conference at a local hotel in Islamabad. Fazlur Rehman while highlighting the demerits of an operation against the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) said that the Taliban were not Pakistan’s enemy and the forces needed to target the real enemies of Pakistan. “The Taliban are our brothers and their angst against the state is justified,” Fazl said adding that, “As brother Ansar Abbasi has so eloquently put in the...
  • Hillary Clinton: We need to redefine what free speech means(satire)

    05/24/2015 12:33:12 PM PDT · by ReformationFan · 5 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 5-24-15 | Chedoh
    Hillary Clinton released an announcement over Memorial Day weekend on her Facebook page, saying that what we may think of as "free speech" can be hurtful towards other Americans, and we should put more effort into monitoring what we and others say to avoid painful dialogues, especially on the internet. "There is a problem in this country when people, mostly right-wing bigots, can easily inflict pain and suffering towards others through hurtful words and objections against alternative lifestyles and political stances. You often see it on Facebook and other forms of social media, where they are constantly spewing hate and...
  • Candidate Says “Everything Will Be Free When I’m President” [semi-satire]

    05/24/2015 6:34:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Self-described socialist and candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised voters that “everything will be free when I’m president.” “In a country as rich as ours it is shameful that mere lack of money should block anyone from having all the good things of life,” Sanders said. “No one should be stigmatized by having to grovel to qualify for food stamps or be denied entry into college because they can’t afford it or don’t have good high school grades. Anyone who wants to eat should simply be permitted to take food from a grocery store...
  • Taking Trump Seriously (American Thinker)

    05/24/2015 2:18:23 AM PDT · by Cringing Negativism Network · 76 replies
    American Thinker ^ | May 24 2015 | By Malcolm Unwell
    Are you not eagerly anticipating Donald Trump’s announcement about whether he will run for president? This is a serious question, despite all the mockery that is aimed at the real estate mogul. Skepticism about his potential candidacy is understandable, but the tone towards Trump would likely change dramatically were he to announce his candidacy. Read more: http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2015/05/taking_trump_seriously.html#ixzz3b2uFIVjj Follow us: @AmericanThinker on Twitter | AmericanThinker on Facebook
  • Bush Defends Warrantless Government Surveillance [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:09:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    While one GOP presidential candidate filibustered legislation extending the National Security Agency’s (NSA) authority to spy on Americans, another alleges that “there’s not a shred of evidence that this surveillance has violated anyone’s civil liberties.” GOP presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) spoke for 10 hours on the floor of the Senate contending that NSA’s warrantless violations of privacy are unconstitutional. “The Fourth Amendment was intended to protect us from unreasonable searches,” Rand argued. “It calls for government to obtain a warrant from a judge based on ‘probable cause.’ The gathering of massive amounts of private information without such warrants...
  • Failure to Disclose $26 Million in Bribes an "Oversight" Says CEO [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 9:26:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Recent revelations that the Clinton Foundation neglected to report over $26 million in payments from major corporations, universities, foreign sources and other groups was characterized as "a mere oversight" by Foundation Chief Executive Officer Donna Shalala. "The Foundation has raised more than $2 billion dollars over the years its been in existence," Shalala pointed out. "The $26 million everyone is hyperventilating over is relative pocket change amounting to barely 1% of the total. It's on a par with a Congressman failing to report a free vacation from a lobbyist or a waiter forgetting to report all his tip income to...
  • Hillary Defends Benghazi Lies [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:01:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed that the assault on the Benghazi Consulate and murder of Ambassador Stevens was a planned terrorist attack before she went public with the misleading cover story of a video protest gone bad failed to dislodge her from defending it. "Sure, we knew within hours of the Ambassador's death that the attack had been planned at least 10 days in advance, but for us to have publicly acknowledged this would have put the country into even greater danger," Clinton maintained. "Remember, this attack occurred just two months ahead of a presidential...
  • Bush Would Use Obama Immigration Order to Extort Legislation from Congress [semi-satire]

    05/20/2015 10:21:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Potential candidate for president and former Governor of Florida JEB Bush told FOX News’ Megyn Kelly that “unlike some other GOP presidential contenders, I would not move to immediately undo President Obama’s executive action granting special privileges to illegal immigrants. Instead, I would refuse to revoke it until Congress passed appropriate enabling legislation. In any case, the American voter can count on me to see that legalizing those in this country illegally will go forward with or without legislation.” Bush acknowledged the shaky legality of Obama’s executive action, but averred that “doing the right thing is more important than confining...
  • Senator Says NFL Priorities “Screwed Up” [semi-satire]

    05/19/2015 10:36:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The announcement that the New England Patriots and Quarterback Tom Brady would be penalized for cheating drove Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) into a frenzy. “I find it stunning that the NFL cares more about how much air is in a football than it cares about a racist franchise name,” Reid raved. “No one need have known about the under-inflated balls. Covertly tipping the scales is simply business-as-usual. By going public with this scandal the NFL has ‘shot itself in the foot,’ and to what end?” “The much more serious offense is the refusal of the Washington team to...
  • Obama Calls for Change in How the Media Reports [semi-satire]

    05/18/2015 9:36:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Citing the “especially grievous slant that FOX gives to the news,” President Obama called for “better policing of the public airways to prevent this intellectual pollution.” “When I see how FOX is constantly undermining what I am trying to do for America by pointing out every flaw and defect of my policies I feel sorry for America,” the President said. “How can our people be joyful if their TVs are parading so-called failures in front of them in their own living rooms?” “The abuse of freedom of the press and freedom of speech for the purpose of destroying faith in...
  • The Oberlin College choir responds to the Christina Sommers controversy

    05/18/2015 8:46:29 AM PDT · by Excellence · 7 replies
    You Tube ^ | May 8, 2015
    According to the Daily Caller, Oberlin is denying that any Oberlin student was involved with this. http://dailycaller.com/2015/05/12/oberlin-college-choir-song-about-the-real-world-ridicules-snowflake-feminism-video/ I don't care; this is just funny.
  • Dean Claims Jesus More Leftist than Democratic Party [semi-satire]

    05/17/2015 10:01:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    This week, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean claimed that “Jesus was more to the left than the Democratic Party. Look, Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple. We Democrats are content to merely tax and regulate them.” “If you listen closely to Jesus’ words about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, it seems clear that all the money properly belongs to the government,” Dean maintained. “Democrats haven’t gone that far. We still permit people to keep some of the money they earn.” “You know, Jesus didn’t work a steady job,” Dean observed. “While he was traipsing about the...
  • Global Warming Activists Demand Media Stop Calling Unbelievers “Skeptics” [semi-satire]

    05/16/2015 9:50:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The Citizen Engagement Laboratory (CEL) wants news outlets to stop using the term “skeptics” for those who question the global climate change meme. Instead, those who fail to adhere to the accepted view are to be universally referred to as “deniers.” CEL Director Ronald Deibert complained that “using the word ‘skeptic’ makes opposition to our theory of global climate change sound reasonable. It implies that their assertion that evidence is needed to prove that mankind is the source of climate change deserves a hearing. It implies that the science of global warming is not settled, that differing interpretations of the...
  • Feds Warn Lenders Not to Deny Loans to Welfare Recipients [semi-satire]

    05/15/2015 6:45:33 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) warned financial institutions that they could be prosecuted if they deny home loans to persons subsisting on welfare benefits. CFPB Director Richard Cordray asserted that "placing ability to repay ahead of need is contrary to federal regulations. Just because a person cannot support himself or herself doesn't mean he or she should be excluded from the benefits of home ownership. Every person has an inalienable right to own a home. Lenders have a moral obligation to help people achieve this right." "For banks to argue that the risks of default and foreclosure should preclude...
  • ACLU Calls Surveillance of Baltimore Riots an “Invasion of Privacy” [semi-satire]

    05/12/2015 10:20:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Srmi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The American Civil Liberties Union demanded an end to the use of government drone aircraft to “spy” on those looting and burning buildings in Baltimore. “Persons walking the streets should not be faced with such an intrusive violation of their privacy,” declared ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “Officials need to present a ‘probable cause’ case to observe a specific individual suspected of a specific crime. They have no authority for a general surveillance of an entire city.” Petty also questioned whether the looting and burning would even qualify as crimes, per se. “The title to the property being removed from the...
  • 4 More Ways to Raise Egalitarian Children(satire)

    05/11/2015 9:28:04 PM PDT · by ReformationFan · 8 replies
    The Federalist ^ | 5-11-15 | Hans Fiene
    4 More Ways to Raise Egalitarian Children Don’t stop at ending bedtime stories. Deprive your children even further, for everyone’s benefit. Some may define egalitarianism as “belief in the equality of all people, especially in political, social, or economic life,” but a more precise definition for the contemporary parlance would be “belief that every person should have equal access to every opportunity in every circumstance imaginable.” To provide such a society for our children, to build them a shining egalitarian city on a level playing field, one major progress-impeding super villain needs defeating. Even more so than the misogynistic Christian...
  • White House Against GOP Attempts to Restrict How Iran Spends Released Funds [semi-satire]

    05/11/2015 2:56:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    A component of the forthcoming agreement between the US and Iran on nuclear weapons development is the US release of Iranian funds that have been frozen in US banks. GOP critics of the agreement fear that these funds will be used to aid terrorist attacks in the Middle East and elsewhere. Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked these fears as “paranoid delusions. It would make no sense for the Iranians to besmirch the rapport our two countries have worked so hard to achieve by ‘stabbing us in the back’ with such a duplicitous response to our generosity.” Earnest cited “the historic...
  • Educational Standards Demanding Hard Work Called Discriminatory[semi-satire]

    05/10/2015 10:27:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    California’s Pacific Educational Group (PEG) denounced educational standards that require students to study and work hard in order to graduate as “discrimination against Black students.” PEG co-chair Kenneth K. Knowlton asserted that “Blacks are less likely to respond to fundamental ideas like working hard to achieve success, or being on time for school or work. The notion that such attitudes ought to be instilled in every student is a racist endeavor that seeks to submerge this vital subculture.” “What’s more, the contention that hard work is a key to success is belied by reality,” Knowlton maintained. “A significant segment of...
  • State Department Declines to Pursue Influence Peddling Allegations [semi-satire]

    05/09/2015 11:06:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Suspicion that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton may have been involved in questionable financial transactions between foreign governments and the Clinton Foundation was brushed aside as a "matter of no interest" by Department spokesman Jeff Rathke. "Secretary Clinton has assured us that there were no improprieties," Rathke said. "We 'd have to have some concrete proof before we 'd undertake any moves that could impugn her integrity. Now that her private server has been erased it doesn't look like there could ever be any concrete proof." "Personally, I find it hard to believe that a woman who has dedicated...
  • Black Panther Leaders Say More White People Need to Get Hurt [semi-satire]

    05/09/2015 1:02:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Spokesmen for the New Black Panther Party called for actions designed to "put the hurt on white people" as a means for "addressing centuries of oppression of Black folks." Former national chairman of the New Black Panther Party and current national president of Black Lawyers for Justice, Malik Zulu Shabazz, urged Baltimore rioters to "strike back in self-defense against the police. The Mayor invited the victims of oppression to take revenge and reparations against the society that has harmed them. Those who stand in the way have no one to blame but themselves if they get hurt." New Black Panther...
  • President Censors Film Coverage of Outing [semi-satire]

    05/05/2015 12:47:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 May 2015 | John Semmens
    President Barack Obama’s surprise visit to the Teaism Cafe near the White House inspired Time Magazine reporter Zeke Miller to video tape the event. However, the president didn’t want to be taped and ordered Miller to put away his camera. Miller meekly complied. Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “certainly, as the most powerful man on the planet, President Obama has the right to decide which of his activities will or won’t be recorded. He is under no obligation to permit random observations and disclosures of his activities if it doesn’t please him to do so.” A disappointed Miller rued...
  • Write Your Own Academic Sentence

    05/04/2015 7:05:32 PM PDT · by Hawthorn · 19 replies
    Need a sentence for your latest article? Write one here! Just select a word or phrase from each drop-down list and click "Write It." http://writing-program.uchicago.edu/toys/randomsentence/write-sentence.htm
  • Filmmaker Demands Police Be Disarmed [semi-satire]

    05/04/2015 12:06:25 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore issued a statement demanding that police officers in America be barred from carrying firearms and that all imprisoned African Americans be released. Moore says he sees this "as a long term balancing of the scales. For hundreds of years in this country Blacks were enslaved and at the mercy of white overlords. Cosmic justice cries out for a reversal of this tyranny of white over Black. Let's see how the white man fares under racial oppression." The looting of white-owned businesses in Baltimore was characterized by Moore as "long overdue reparations for slavery" and the random...
  • Baltimore Mayor Apologizes for Calling Rioters "Thugs" [semi-satire]

    05/03/2015 3:33:45 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, whose infamous order to police to "give protestors space to destroy," sheepishly apologized to residents who participated in looting stores, burning buildings, and assaulting passersby for using the term "thugs" to describe their behavior. "My use of the word 'thugs' implied that these people were engaged in criminal acts," she said. "I have since been informed that stealing toilet paper, trashing the businesses of owners who had nothing to do with the death of Mr. Gray, and beating up white people foolish enough to venture into the streets were acts of righteous rage." The Mayor maintained...
  • Hillary Calls for Restoring Faith in Government [semi-satire]

    05/03/2015 10:51:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Former Secretary of State and current candidate for president Hillary Clinton bemoaned "the erosion of people's faith in government" and alleged that "it undermines the ability of those of us who are trying to lead." Clinton brushed aside widely perceived impressions that government has done a bad job by pointing out the early history of Christianity's failures. "Jesus' performance compares quite unfavorably with what modern government has been able to deliver," she said. "His people—the Christians—faced centuries of persecution. They were crucified. They were torn apart and devoured by wild animals for the amusement of spectators in the arenas of...
  • Jeb Bush Contends He Is "a Latino Trapped Inside an Anglo Body" [semi-satire]

    05/02/2015 4:57:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 33 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    In a speech in Puerto Rico, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) told the audience that "I am a Latino trapped inside an Anglo body." Bush lamented that "there is no ethnic reassignment protocol like there is gender reassignment therapy for a woman trapped inside a man's body. Nevertheless, I feel as if I am an illegal immigrant and want to do what I can to secure the rights of all my compatriots to enjoy the fruits of US citizenship." if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at... http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php/topic,169629.0.html
  • Justice Suggests Allowing Gay Marriage May Not Go Far Enough SATIRE

    05/02/2015 9:24:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Ian Reisner, one of the two gay hoteliers who invited presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex) to speak at a private party, has, after threats from the gay lobby to destroy his business, apologized for his "insensitivity." "I had mistakenly believed that my sexual orientation was not the sum total of who I am," Reisner said. "I had delusions that I could entertain other beliefs about politics that had nothing to do with gay rights. But I have been told that listening to Senator Cruz is akin to listening to Satan. It cannot be permitted. It can only lead me...
  • Kerry Wishes US Had Its Own Ayatollah [semi-satire]

    05/01/2015 10:58:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Admitting that he's feeling some frustration over possible Congressional interference with the agreement with Iran that he's been working on for most of this year, Secretary of State John Kerry avowed that "it would be a lot easier if we had our own Ayatollah—someone whose say so was the final word." "It's an uneven playing field," Kerry complained. "Iran's supreme leader can just issue an edict and everyone in the Iranian government has to go along. President Obama doesn't have this luxury. He can issue an edict, but still has to put up with the possibility that Congress will tamper...
  • Easy free solution to Baltimore's 8%+ and 37%+ unemployment rates:Increase their minimum wage

    05/01/2015 6:46:57 AM PDT · by sickoflibs · 19 replies
    SOL (reference links in body) | 5/1/2015 | sickoflibs
    Some fun relevant facts: Maryland's unemployment rate is ~ 5.5% Baltimore unemployment rate is ~ 8.2 % Baltimore unemployment rate for young black men is ~ 37% %Source CNN Money Maryland's minimum wage is $8.25 per hour Baltimore's minimum (called ‘living’) wage is much higher : ~ $11.50 per hour.source baltimorebrew .com Yep, almost $12 per hour. Recall how we are lectured that outlawing these low paying entry level jobs will create better paying jobs, because they all get a raise which they spend. Yep, no HS degree, no work experience, probably an arrest record (try looting businesses) . Sure...
  • 9-year old boy expelled from school because he said he "didn't like Obama" [satire]

    04/30/2015 11:46:57 AM PDT · by pabianice · 53 replies
    The Stately Harold ^ | April 29, 2015
    9-year old boy expelled from school because he said he "didn't like Obama" April 29, 2015 Freedom of speech breached? 9 year old boy expelled from his school for anti-Obama remark. 9 year old Jacob Wheeler attending Rosa Parks elemenary school in Los Angeles, California, was asked to leave the school and "never come back" after he made some comments that the teacher did not approve of during a history lesson. The lesson, which centered around US presidents since the 18th century along with the current political landscape, was derailed when young Jacob raised his hand and said he "didn't...
  • Hillary is the Only Honest Politician

    04/29/2015 11:51:02 AM PDT · by Talisker · 15 replies
    April 29, 2015 | Talisker
    What do we all know about every single politician? That they are corrupt. I know, every once in awhile we come across one that we feel good about. But then we do background research and find this or that, and we shrug and say, “yeah, well, politics is a dirty business, you’ve got to take the best you can get.” And it’s true, politics IS a dirty business. You need money and influence to run and get elected, and money and influence aren’t free. Specifically, they want payback, and lots of it. So principled politicians try to show that their...
  • Cleveland City Council: Gun Control Needed Whether It Works or Not [semi-satire]

    04/29/2015 10:47:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Cleveland City Council President Kevin Kelley (D) urged fellow council members to pass a sweeping gun-control ordinance despite doubts that it would be effective or enforceable. “Will this measure stop gun violence?” Kelley asked. “Probably not, but it is important that we pass it as a reflection of our values.” A key provision of the new ordinance is that it prohibits carrying a concealed deadly weapon or handgun, unless the person is a police officer or a bonafide criminal. Kelley conceded that “this provision might seem paradoxical, but we feel it greatly simplifies and clarifies the situation. If you are...
  • [Satire] Baltimore Woman Caught on Tape, Now Faces Charges for Child Abuse

    04/28/2015 7:47:52 PM PDT · by Michael.SF. · 27 replies
    myself | 4/28 | myself
    The Baltimore woman who took action when she saw her son hanging out with violent demonstrators Monday, is now facing charges for her brutal treatment of her son. The woman identified as the boy's mother, was watching television when she saw her son throwing rocks at police. She went to find him in the crowd and the confrontation turned physical. The woman was caught on camera grabbing the boy and smacking him in the face. "Are you kidding me?" she's heard saying. The station did not identify her by name. Apparently authorities in Baltimore are not kidding, as a warrant...
  • SATIRE

    04/28/2015 9:10:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that modern automobiles contain computer programs that entail trade secrets and are too complex to be touched by do-it-yourself car buffs, the General Motors Corporation is urging the government to make unauthorized auto repair illegal. It won’t take an Act of Congress to accomplish this objective. A mere reinterpretation of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) would do the trick. GM spokesman Lee Hunsacker asserted that “letting just anyone look under the hood is archaic in our day and age. What if they mess something up? The victims of any subsequent crashes will sue us. We are the deep-pocket...
  • ACLU Says Catholic Organizations Must Be Compelled to Fund Abortions [semi-satire]

    04/27/2015 9:59:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The American Civil Liberties Union has filed suit demanding that religious organizations be compelled to provide abortions and contraception to illegal immigrants. “Whether to bear a child or not is a woman’s right under our laws,” said ACLU staff attorney Brigitte Amiri. “No religious organization has the authority to infringe on this right. For Catholic aid organizations to refuse to pay for birth control and abortions is an infringement. Forcing a woman to bear an unwanted child is, as President Obama has said, cruel and unusual punishment. It is unconstitutional and cannot be allowed.” “Rules derived from a mythical being...
  • SATIRE

    04/26/2015 9:31:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    IRS Commissioner John Koskinen acknowledged that the number of employees assigned to assist taxpayers understand and file tax returns for 2014 was “less than it could’ve been.” Statistics bear out his assessment. It is estimated than less than half of those who phoned the IRS to ask for help actually got through. And of those who did many waited on hold for more than 30 minutes before speaking to an IRS agent. Koskinen defended the shortage of taxpayer help, saying that “we had higher priorities. For one, we had to implement the penalty enforcement phase of the Affordable Care Act....
  • Following Top Secret Leak, David Petraeus Reinstated As CIA Director, Given Backpay (Satire!)

    04/25/2015 10:39:06 AM PDT · by Cry if I Wanna · 1 replies
    The DuffleBlog ^ | April 25, 2015 | Joe Zieja
    WASHINGTON — David Petraeus has been reinstated as CIA Director and given $2.2 million in backpay following new legislation that decriminalizes the leak of top secret information, as long as it is done by people who have deep political connections or fame. Congress unanimously passed legislation on Friday that takes into account a convicted person’s sociopolitical rank before passing sentence on a convicted criminal, particularly when it comes to matters of national security. In this controversial bill, lawmakers standardized the long-standing practice of allowing high-ranking political and military figures to break the law without any fear of the consequences, which...
  • Kerry Blasts Government's Critics for Undermining Prosperity [semi-satire]

    04/25/2015 10:02:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Speaking Tuesday at the 45th Annual Washington Conference of the Council of the Americas, Secretary of State John Kerry blamed the Obama Administration's critics for undermining the country's economy. "Countries are far more likely to advance economically and socially when citizens have faith in their governments and are able to rely on them for justice and equal treatment under the law," Kerry maintained. "Yet, day-after-day President Obama faces a raft of criticism of his policies from the likes of Senator Cruz, Governor Walker, and others. These criticisms are destroying people's faith in the government." Kerry cited a recent Pew Research...
  • SATIRE House Speaker Pleads for Hillary to Turn Over Computer Server SATIRE

    04/25/2015 12:54:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    GOP Briefing Room Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    A new slew of allegations has emerged implying that the Clinton Foundation may have accepted bribes in exchange for Hillary to use her Secretary of State status to influence government policy. An example of possible influence peddling was her support for Russia's acquisition of a major stake in American uranium mining. "It looks like she violated the law, and the idea that she was going to use her own server and do official business on it goes against every transparency issue that the President likes to tout," House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) observed. "She should turn that server and all...
  • Email probe finds Oval Office replica in Hillary's compound

    04/24/2015 12:18:58 PM PDT · by Malone LaVeigh · 39 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 4/23/15 | Chedoh
    CHAPPAQUA, NEW YORK – More proof of Hillary Clinton's compulsive presidential aspirations was revealed today by a former aide, Tyrone Gibson, who stepped forward to confirm the existence of a realistic replica of the Oval Office housed deep inside the Clinton compound in Chappaqua, NY, complete with high-definition virtual reality LCD "windows" that display views from the real Oval Office, including real-time weather and even the time of day.
  • Judge Rules Cops May Seize Your Home to Use as a Fort SATIRE

    04/21/2015 8:51:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    When a neighbor was engaged in a domestic dispute, Henderson, Nevada police demanded that Anthony Mitchell allow them to use his home as a fort and command center in order to gain a tactical advantage in their efforts to cope with the situation. Mitchell refused, but police battered down his door, pepper sprayed him, and put him in jail for the duration. Mitchell sued contending that this home invasion by the police violated his constitutional rights under both the Third and Fourth Amendments to the US Constitution. Federal district court Judge Andrew Gordon dismissed Mitchell’s Fourth Amendment argument, saying that...
  • Administration Remains Undaunted by Obamacare [semi-satire]

    04/20/2015 9:16:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration remained undaunted by yet another court ruling against its attempts to compel religious groups to fund abortion coverage in their health insurance plans. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito issued an order preventing the Obama Administration from forcing religious groups in Pennsylvania to pay for abortion-causing drugs mandated by the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The Supreme Court had previously blocked HHS from imposing similar mandates on the Little Sisters of the Poor, Hobby Lobby, Wheaton College, and the University of Notre Dame. That the Administration would repeatedly attempt this type of coercion caused Lori Windham,...
  • Hillary Blames Rich for Ruining America [semi-satire]

    04/19/2015 10:18:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    In her bid to portray herself as the champion of the average American, millionaire presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is lambasting the wealthiest 1% for the impoverishment of the other 99%. It is, she says, “outrageous that the CEO of a major corporation makes 300 times the annual salary of its lowest paid employee.” Clinton’s argument is ironic since her hourly rate for public speaking is 16,000 times the $15 hourly rate that she says ought to be the legal minimum wage. If CEOs are overpaid, former Secretary of State Clinton would appear to be obscenely overpaid. According to Mrs. Clinton,...
  • Chipotle Rival Vies to Become Official Fast Food of Hillary Clinton Campaign [Satire]

    04/18/2015 1:20:09 PM PDT · by dignitasnews · 10 replies
    Dignitas News Service ^ | April 18, 2015 | Dignitas News Team
    As the 2016 Presidential campaign heats up, competition among the candidates has spilled over into the fast-food industry, with eateries across the country wooing White House hopefuls in much the same way politicians seek out votes. Given the notoriety of Hillary Clinton's recent stop at a Chipotle Mexican Grill restaurant in Ohio, Los Angeles-based Pink Taco is vying to become the official fast-food choice of the former First Lady's 2016 campaign. "When we heard Hillary Clinton liked Mexican food, we were excited to have her as part of the Pink Taco team," stated a company spokesman in a recent press conference. Noting that their...
  • Bipartisan Plea for Lynch Confirmation [semi-satire]

    04/18/2015 9:14:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama's nominee for Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, received a vote of support from both media star Al Sharpton and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush this week. Her confirmation has been held up by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) in protest over Obama's executive grant of amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. Sharpton labeled McConnell's actions "racist. Keeping a Black woman from rising up to take her rightful place is a continuation of the hundreds of years of oppression of African Americans in this country. They let a white woman hold this job when Bill Clinton was president. For...
  • President Says ISIS Camp in Mexico Vindicates His Amnesty Policy [semi-satire]

    04/18/2015 1:29:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama says that evidence that the Islamic State has opened a training camp in Mexico, just a few miles from El Paso on the Texas border, vindicates his decision to grant expedited amnesty to illegal immigrants from Latin America. "We've all seen the atrocities these terrorists are capable of," the President observed. "Who can blame Mexicans for fleeing? To deny these refugees sanctuary would be inhumane. To deport them would be cruel and unusual punishment. To delay their integration into our society merely on the grounds that Congress has failed to enact the necessary legislation would be barbaric." Obama...
  • White House “Gender Neutral” Restroom “Not Good Enough” [semi-satire]

    04/14/2015 10:01:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama administration’s efforts to earn gratitude from the gay lobby by adding a “gender neutral” restroom to the White House came up short. Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender spokesperson Irma Crank called the move “not good enough. Every bathroom in every home in America is ‘gender neutral.’ Many businesses already have ‘family restrooms’ that can be used by either gender. The Administration’s attempt to curry favor with such a lame and wishy-washy measure is an insult. Frankly, we expected more from this President.” The “more” expected by Crank “is the right of any person to use any facility—men’s room, ladies room—based on their...