Keyword: satire

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  • Samaritan Billed for Aiding Injured Family [semi-satire]

    06/28/2016 10:17:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 June 2016 | John Semmens
    When Derrick DeAnda helped a family escape from their rolled-over car he was just trying to be a good Samaritan. He didn't expect to be billed $143 by the late-arriving EMTs for "medical care." "I didn't need any 'medical care,'" DeAnda said. "I had one small cut on one of my hands. The EMT gave me a band aid. I can't see how that could possibly cost so much." The bill from Cosumnes Community Services District was described as "standard practice" by Cosumnes Deputy Chief Mike McLaughlin. "If you're at the scene of an accident that we attend you're going...
  • Senators Demand to Know Where Companies Keep Their Cash [semi-satire]

    06/27/2016 8:49:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Concerned that some of the nation's resources may be out of their reach, Sens. Al Franken (D-Minn) and Chris Coons (D-Del) are demanding that "all businesses fully disclose where all their money is." "As President Obama said when he was nominated for his second term, government is the only entity we all belong to," Franken recalled. "It is every business' and every individual's duty to do the utmost to ensure the survival of this single unifying entity. At a minimum, this means making all of their financial resources known to the government so they may be appropriated if the need...
  • Illinois to Create Advisory Council of Muslims [semi-satire]

    06/26/2016 11:11:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 June 2016 | John Semmens
    A bill approved by the state Legislature creates a 21-member Illinois Muslim-American Advisory Council. Co-sponsor of the legislation Sen. Jacqueline Collins (D) hailed the measure as “a sensible way to ensure that the activities of state government have a chance to get Muslim buy-in at an early stage. A lot of what we do without thinking is offensive to the followers of Islam. Clearing policies and programs ahead of time will prevent Muslims from having to resort to violence after-the-fact as a means of expressing their displeasure.” Republican Rep. Barbara Wheeler voted against the bill, calling it “a wrong turn...
  • Dems Stage Sit-in Against Guns [semi-satire]

    06/25/2016 4:48:38 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Democratic members of the House of Representatives staged a sit-in to publicize their quest for stricter gun controls. Distressed that the murder of 50 night club patrons by an Islamic terrorist in Florida has not sufficiently weakened GOP support for the Second Amendment, more than two dozen Democrats seized the House floor for more than a day, vowing to block House business until their demands are met. Sit-in participant Rep. Mike Doyle (D-Pa) used the event to call for "a major revision of the Second Amendment, because Americans don't agree with it and we've had it. The Amendment may have...
  • TV Game Show "MUSLIM or GAY???"

    06/25/2016 1:26:04 AM PDT · by OrangeHoof · 9 replies
    my empty head | 6-25-2016 | Orangehoof
    APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Announcer: Welcome to the new game show that has all America talking, it's "Muslim or Gay" where we ask contestants to guess the identities of famous people and now, here's your host JJJJJJJosh Ernest!!! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. Welcome, again to another edition of the hit quiz show "Muslim or Gay", brought to you by CAIR - the Council on American-Islamic Relations and by the U.S. Department of Justice - "Sticking it to whitey since 2009." Tonight, we have a special Presidential Election edition of Muslim or Gay so let's meet our contestants: First, to our...
  • Hillary Unfazed by Mounting Evidence of Email Crimes [semi-satire]

    06/24/2016 10:47:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton brushed off new revelations that the 30,000 "personal" emails she deleted may have included official Department business as "nothing to concern the American people." A deleted email of particular note was a memo from her Deputy Chief of Staff Huma Abedin to Clinton's State Department subordinates regarding problems caused by Clinton's use of a private unsecured email server. The former Secretary claimed to have "no knowledge of either the original email or its illegal deletion," but offered a hypothesis suggesting that the IT specialist who set up the server "may be the guilty party."...
  • Former Senator Questions Need for So Many Armed Federal Agents [semi-satire]

    06/21/2016 11:24:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Senator Tom Coburn (R-Okla) wrote an op ed for the Wall Street Journal in which he raised the question of why so many federal agents are authorized to carry weapons. In the op ed, Coburn wondered why the IRS needs assault rifles, why the Department of Veterans Affairs is arming 3,700 employees, and why the number of non-Defense Department federal officers authorized to make arrests and carry firearms (200,000) exceeds the number of U.S. Marines (182,000). IRS Commissioner John Koskinen responded that "it should be readily apparent why my agency needs to be armed. Taxes are very unpopular. Taxpayers...
  • Congressman Says "Ruling Class" Not Paid Enough [semi-satire]

    06/20/2016 1:19:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) complains that his $174,000 annual salary plus perks is "not enough to keep a man honest. We deal with an annual budget of over $3 trillion dollars. Our piece of that action is a paltry .005%. High-ranking heads of Departments don't fare much better. Is it surprising that some are tempted to augment in ways that many find distasteful?" "Take former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and her husband Bill," the Congressman said. "After decades of public service they left the White House nearly broke in 2001. What choice did they have but to try to...
  • President’s Economic Adviser Says Income Comparison Misleading [semi-satire]

    06/19/2016 8:25:33 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Data showing that the average man with a full time job makes less today than he did in 1973 was discounted as “an unfair and misleading statistic” by the Chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers Jason Furman this week. “First of all, the premise that a full time job is desirable is debatable,” Furman maintained. “In 1973 many were forced to work because of the inadequacy of the social safety net. Today, many in a similar situation have been liberated from this tiresome fate by a more generous package of government benefits that enables them to work part...
  • Democrat Wants Taxpayers to Pass Drug Test to Qualify for Deductions [semi-satire]

    06/19/2016 10:26:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Rep. Gwen Moore (D-Wis) has introduced legislation that would require taxpayers to pass a drug test before being allowed to itemize deductions on their 1040 tax forms. The bill is in retaliation for state laws that require welfare recipients to pass drug tests in order to receive benefits. "I am sick and tired of Republicans forcing poor people to jump through hoops to receive the money they are entitled to under the law," Moore complained. "We enacted these programs to help the unfortunate. Few members of society are as unfortunate as drug addicts. They are slaves to chemicals that their...
  • Administration Expands Student Loan Default Options [semi-satire]

    06/18/2016 11:01:07 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2016 | John Semmens
    The Department of Education expanded the grounds under which students may be freed from their obligation to repay college loans. Under the new rules, students may be absolved from the obligation to repay loans if the education they received was inadequate. Secretary John King, Jr. explained that “much of what passes as education in our major universities is just crap. Universities know that majoring in ‘women’s studies,’ ‘gender studies,’ philosophy, and the like, won’t prepare graduates for high-paying jobs. Why should naive and ignorant young people have to bear the consequences that could have been avoided if they had received...
  • Mex President threatens: If Trump wins we will call back our citizens (We wish) [SATIRE]

    06/18/2016 7:40:06 AM PDT · by orchestra · 136 replies
    PRNTLY EXCLUSIVE ^ | 6/18/2016 | Connor Balough
    The President of Mexico threatened at the world economic summit grave consequences if Trump gets the Presidential seat: all the Mexicans in the USA will be going back home to Mexico. The Mexican government announced they will close their borders to Americans in the event that Donald Trump is elected President of the United States. President Enrique Peña Nieto announced the country fears Americans will flood their country and bring violence and chaos to their streets. “Many Americans have expressed a desire to relocate to our country in the event that Donald Trump becomes President. We cannot have Mexico flooded...
  • ISIS Group Praises Orlando Massacre [semi-satire]

    06/17/2016 9:41:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Despite President Obama's uncertainty concerning the motives of the man who murdered 49 patrons of the Pulse night club in Orlando Florida, both the assailant and ISIS had no doubts. Shooter Omar Mateen pledged his allegiance to ISIS both before and during his killing spree. Similarly, the Al-Battar Media Foundation, reportedly an operation of the elite ISIS Libyan unit Kalibat al-Battar al-Libi, hailed the "slaughter of infidels" and urged "all true Muslims to emulate this lion of the Caliphate." Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest emphasized that "the President's focus on America's gun culture has the numbers behind him. There are...
  • “Most Of The Words That Come Out Of My Mouth Are Invalid,” Pope Francis Suggests

    06/17/2016 4:49:23 PM PDT · by ebb tide · 66 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | June 17, 2016 | Admin
    Pope Francis said Thursday that the majority of the words that come “spilling” out of his mouth are invalid because most of the time he doesn’t understand that what he says is permanent. “We live in a culture of the provisional,” the Pontiff said, responding to a question about the “crisis of his pontificate.” Francis said he often doesn’t comprehend the importance of what he’s saying when speaking off-the-cuff, which he said is “indissoluble.” “Sadly in today’s pontificate, I don’t understand that what I say will have ramifications for not only my pontificate, but of the many pontificates to come,”...
  • Paula White Launches New Makeup Line For Pretend Pastors

    06/14/2016 3:03:11 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 22 replies
    The End Times ^ | June 14, 2016 | Scott Alan Buss
    APOPKA, FL – Paula White is partnering with French cosmetics company L’Oréal to launch a new line of make-up products aimed specifically at meeting the significant cosmetic needs of pretend pastors. White, who serves as “Senior Pastor” over thousands of easily distracted and amused members of the Destiny Christian Center near Orlando, announced and demonstrated some of the new products during a Sermon on how God told her to launch a new make-up line with L’Oréal. “Nobody appreciates quality make-up like a pastorette,” White explained. “The better we can look, the more people will focus on our beautiful, smiling faces…and...
  • Bill Would Stop DOJ Funding Liberal Groups with Federal Money [semi-satire]

    06/14/2016 10:17:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 12 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Four Republican senators—James Lankford (Okla), Ted Cruz (Texas), and Utah's Orrin Hatch and Mike Lee—have introduced legislation aimed at barring the Department of Justice from using settlement money to fund liberal interest groups. "Settlements obtained from banks found guilty for their role in inflating the mortgage bubble in 2008 ought to be used to compensate those damaged by these egregious practices," Sen. Lankford said. "Instead, the Department of Justice has been funneling this money to favored liberal activists. This is a perversion of justice and an end run around the appropriations process." Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) belittled the...
  • Feds to Crackdown on Temporary Health Insurance [semi-satire]

    06/13/2016 10:57:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 June 2016 | John Semmens
    A clause in the Affordable Care Act (ACA) allows individuals who are between jobs to purchase temporary health insurance policies. The Department of Health and Human Services has announced it will change the rules to limit these policies to three months duration and ban renewals. The problem with these policies according to Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell is "they fall short of the President's vision for how Americans ought to be insured. These temporary plans don't cover everything we think should be covered. Notably absent from most temporary coverage policies are items like gender reassignment surgery,...
  • Gingrich Makes Self Available for VP Spot [semi-satire]

    06/12/2016 12:04:56 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Saying he "is putting the country ahead of partisanship," former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced his availability as a vice-presidential running mate "for either candidate." Speculation about such a possibility heated up this week when Gingrich called Hillary Clinton's speech after she clinched enough delegates for the Democratic presidential nomination "spectacular." Earlier he had spoken favorably about GOP nominee Donald Trump. "Listening to Hillary the other night I realized what a strong candidate she is," Gingrich said. "She's got the experience and the gravitas that this country needs. That's not to say that Donald Trump wouldn't also be a good...
  • Clinton Demands Trump Delete His Twitter Account [semi-satire]

    06/11/2016 5:33:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Democratic presidential aspirant Hillary Clinton demanded that Republican rival Donald Trump discontinue his twitter account. The demand followed Trump's tweet mocking President Obama's endorsement of Clinton's candidacy. In the tweet, Trump wrote "Obama just endorsed Crooked Hillary. He wants four more years of Obama-but nobody else does!" "Trump's tweet was disrespectful to President Obama and to me," Hillary complained. "This is further proof that he lacks the temperament to be president. Those of us with experience in government know that there are certain things you just don't say in public. One of those things is that you don't call your...
  • State Department Warns Israel Not to Inconvenience Palestinians [semi-satire]

    06/11/2016 11:24:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Mark Toner, spokesman for the US State Department, issued a statement condemning the terrorist attack on a shopping mall that killed four Israelis, but simultaneously warned Israel to "not overreact." In an effort to beef up security in response to the attack, the Israeli government rescinded 83,000 permits for Palestinians to visit relatives in Israel during Ramadan and sent an additional 600 troops to the West Bank where they will man border checkpoints and conduct raids against suspected terrorists. "That four innocent shoppers were murdered is tragic, but we want to caution the Israeli government against taking measures that might...
  • Ninth Circuit Court Repeals Second Amendment [semi-satire]

    06/10/2016 11:44:32 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 June 2016 | John Semmens
    This week the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that government has a right to decide who will and won't be permitted to carry a concealed firearm. The ruling came in the case of Edward Peruta v. County of San Diego. The County denied Peruta and his fellow plaintiffs concealed carry permits on the grounds that they did not prove a need for them. Writing for the majority, Judge Diarmuid O'Scannlain asserted that "under California law, police authorities are empowered to determine who shall be allowed to bear arms and for what reasons. The plaintiffs' contention that personal self-defense was...
  • Three Southend beaches to BAN BIKINIS this summer in ‘cultural’ trial (Overstimulated Refugees)

    06/07/2016 8:40:59 PM PDT · by ghosthost · 68 replies
    Southend News Network ^ | 6-2-2016 | Chief Reporter
    Tourism chiefs in Southend On Sea have announced that three beaches on the seafront will run a trial this summer where ladies will be asked to cover up while sunbathing. According to an email that has been seen by Southend News Network, these so-called ‘Modesty Beach Areas’ will be set up to attract visitors from all over the UK who may be uncomfortable with the sight of ‘excessive bare female skin’ for a number of either cultural or religious reasons.
  • Obama Says He's Not a "Gun Grabber" [semi-satire]

    06/07/2016 12:23:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2016 | John Semmens
    In response to an audience member's concern that Democrats want to take guns away from law-abiding people, President Obama sought to reassure the man that his fears were exaggerated. "The notion that I, or Hillary or Democrats or whoever want to personally grab everyone's guns is just not true," he said. "I would never grab anyone's gun, but I think we can all agree that there are some dangerous elements in our society who ought not to have them." "What we need are sensible controls over who can and can't have guns," the President continued. "Who can better make this...
  • WHY I QUIT MY JOB TO TRAVEL THE WORLD

    06/06/2016 11:38:12 AM PDT · by nickcarraway · 28 replies
    6/6
    WHY I QUIT MY JOB TO TRAVEL THE WORLD (New Yorker)
  • Administration "Not Disappointed" with Job Numbers [semi-satire]

    06/06/2016 10:47:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Though the Bureau of Labor Statistics report for May showed an anemic 38,000 new jobs were created during the month and a record 94,708,000 Americans were not in the labor force, Obama Administration Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that "we are not disappointed with these numbers." "Those who can't grasp the President's goals for the transformation of this country harp on the point that 38,000 new jobs are far too few to accommodate this country's monthly 200,000 population increase," Earnest complained. "Likewise, they see the expansion of the contingent not in the workforce as a negative. They've got it exactly...
  • Bill Would Criminalize Undercover Filming at Abortion Facilities [semi-satire]

    06/05/2016 11:25:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2016 | John Semmens
    California State Assemblyman Jimmy Gomez (D-Los Angeles) is sponsoring legislation that would criminalize undercover reporting of misdeeds occurring at abortion facilities. The bill A.B. 1671, imposes penalties of up to a year behind bars and/or a $2,500 fine for a first offense. "Abortion is an endorsed practice in this state," Gomez said. "We need to protect its providers from harassment by those who oppose it." Gomez cited "the horrendous invasion of privacy perpetrated by the Center for Medical Progress' undercover videos of Planned Parenthood's negotiations for the sale of baby parts as the primary inspiration for this legislation. The contention...
  • Convicted Felon Backed by Obama AG [semi-satire]

    06/04/2016 8:29:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2016 | John Semmens
    President Obama and Attorney General Loretta Lynch have joined former director of the Phoenix VA Medical Center Sharon Helman’s suit against wrongful termination. Helman was fired in 2014 following the nationwide VA scandal that erupted after it came to light that veterans were dying while waiting for care at the facilities she oversaw. She was also subsequently convicted of a felony after pleading guilty to accepting bribes. Despite this blemished performance in her job, Helman is now contending that her firing was too hasty. Lynch agreed, saying that “the 21-day limit for filing an appeal of the firing was too...
  • Thugs Attack Trump Supporters, Mayor Blames Candidate [semi-satire]

    06/04/2016 11:04:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Attendees of a Donald Trump presidential rally in San Jose, California were set upon and beaten by anti-Trump “protesters” this past week. Mayor Sam Liccardo blamed the candidate. “I personally would never physically attack a political opponent,” Liccardo reassured. “But neither am I ready to absolve Trump for his role in provoking the violence. California was once part of Mexico before it was illegally seized by the United States in 1848. Donald Trump hasn’t denounced this thievery. To the contrary, he has stridently threatened to eject Mexicans who are trying to repatriate this territory.” “San Jose is a sanctuary city,”...
  • Salon Editors: We Should Have Let The Axis Win

    06/04/2016 5:49:51 AM PDT · by rey · 41 replies
    The following is an Op-Ed by the Editors of Salon.com Following U.S. President Barack Obama’s inspiring visit to Hiroshima, it’s important to reconsider the most important lesson we’ve learned since the ending of WWII: we should have let the Axis win. Bigots will no doubt try to factsplain the notion that Japan attacked the United States at Pearl Harbor first. It’s simply more of their typical use of historical privilege, justifying a tradition of victim blaming and vilification of minorities. The only reason the aircraft that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima was named Enola Gay was so the military industrial...
  • Albright: "No Proof Clinton Emails Hurt Anyone" [semi-satire]

    06/04/2016 12:02:39 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright suggested that the inquiry into Hillary Clinton's email practices during her tenure as Obama's Secretary of State "has gone far enough." "Okay, she made a mistake and some laws may have been broken, but there's no proof that the way she handled her email has hurt anyone," Albright contended. "It's time for the persecution of this great American to end." The possibility that Hillary's unsecured emails containing classified material might have been hacked and, thereby, exposed covert operatives to potentially fatal risk was brushed aside. "There's no definitive proof that her emails...
  • Elitist Arrogance

    06/01/2016 9:56:13 AM PDT · by Kaslin · 9 replies
    Townhall.com ^ | June 1, 2016 | Walter E. Williams
    White teenage unemployment is about 14 percent. That for black teenagers is about 30 percent. The labor force participation rate for white teens is 37 percent, and that for black teens is 25 percent. Many years ago, in 1948, the figures were exactly the opposite. The unemployment rate of black 16-year-old and 17-year-old males was 9.4 percent, while that of whites was 10.2 percent. Up until the late 1950s, black teens, as well as black adults, were more active in the labor market than their white counterparts. I will return to these facts after I point out some elitist arrogance...
  • Law Would Let FBI Read Everyone's Email [semi-satire]

    05/31/2016 4:15:14 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The 2017 Intelligence Authorization Act would enable the FBI to obtain anyone's email records without a court order. All the agency would need is a National Security Letter, which would allow the FBI get information from companies without their customers knowing they were being investigated. The bill is co-sponsored by Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Richard Burr (R-NC) and Vice Chairman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif). "If we want the government to protect us we must let go of our obsession with personal privacy," Sen. Feinstein urged. "The police are consummate professionals, not nosy busybodies. Unless you're doing something wrong you have nothing...
  • Iowa Supreme Court Bans Life Imprisonment for Teen Killers [semi-satire]

    05/30/2016 12:37:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2016 | John Semmens
    In a 4-3 ruling, the Iowa Supreme Court banned lower courts from imposing life sentences for murders committed by teen-aged offenders. The ruling came in the case of Isaiah Richard Sweet, who was convicted of two counts of first-degree murder for fatally shooting his grandparents. Justice Brent Appel wrote that "a life sentence for a crime such as this is disproportionate. The victims were old and fairly close to a natural death. For their grandson to be sentenced to a life term that could easily amount to multiple decades is a punishment that I believe the victims themselves would have...
  • Professor Resigns to Protest Freedom of Speech [semi-satire]

    05/29/2016 10:30:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Contending that "so-called free speech is delusional," DePaul University sociology professor Dr. Shu-Ju Cheng has resigned her post in protest. The event that spurred Dr. Cheng's protest was the aborted speech of Milo Yiannopolis on the University's campus last week. Despite paying the University for security, student thugs were permitted to seize the stage and disrupt the speech. Cheng was outraged, not that thugs were allowed to drown out views with which they disagreed, but that Yiannopolis was invited "to air his anti-progressive message." "The whole concept of freedom of speech is an antiquated idea derived from dead white men,"...
  • VA Waits for Ailing Vets “Not So Bad” [semi-satire]

    05/28/2016 11:20:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2016 | John Semmens
    This week, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert McDonald rebuffed critics of the agency’s long queues for medical treatment of ailing veterans, comparing them to the long lines to get on rides at Disneyland. “No one is on the Disney Corporation’s case for the lengthy wait-times at their theme parks,” McDonald asserted. “Why should we get worked up over wait-times at VA hospitals?” “You know, if people can tolerate waiting an hour for something as frivolous as a roller coaster ride shouldn’t they be willing to wait a reasonable amount of time for something as crucial as medical care?” the Secretary...
  • President Suggests Hillary's Email "a Matter for Voters to Decide" [semi-satire]

    05/27/2016 4:58:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Irritated that the media would dare to pose a question about the legality of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's unsecured email communications, President Obama refused to comment, suggesting that "whether she did anything that was really wrong is a matter for voters to decide. And from what I've seen so far, she's on her way to securing the Democratic nomination for president. I think that says the majority of Americans are okay with how she's handled it." The media's unwelcome inquiry was spurred by an 83-page State Department Inspector General's report calling Clinton's email operation an "inexcusable and willful...
  • CPUSA Pledges to Support Democrat for President [semi-satire]

    05/25/2016 12:36:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The Communist Party of the United States (CPUSA) has enthusiastically endorsed "comrade Bernie Sanders as the progressive choice to complete the socialist revolution in America," but pledged its "support for whoever emerges with the Democratic Party's presidential nomination." John Bachtell, national chair of the CPUSA expressed his "pleasure with the progressive evolution of the Democratic Party. The Communist agenda has been totally absorbed by this mainstream Party. President Obama has taken this country further down the road than we could ever have hoped to do on our own. Although Bernie has been a long-time member of the revolutionary movement, Secretary...
  • Senator Aims to Redefine "Violent Crimes" [semi-satire]

    05/24/2016 10:54:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    New Jersey Democratic Sen. Cory Booker is seeking a redefinition of "violent crimes." As a co-sponsor of the Sentencing Reform and Corrections Act of 2015 (SRCA), Booker is urging "a candid conversation about how we determine whether crimes are violent or not." "For too long a racist mindset has dominated how we look at crime," Booker charged. "In white society stabbing or shooting someone is considered abnormal and violent. This unfairly stigmatizes Black culture. Sentencing a minority offender based on white standards disproportionately impacts a vibrant segment of society." Booker urged that "we recognize the longer term history of racial...
  • ACLU Bemoans Court’s Pro-Choice Decision [semi-satire]

    05/23/2016 10:45:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    This week Nevada District Judge Eric Johnson dismissed the ACLU’s case against the state’s school choice law. A change to Nevada statutes creating an education savings account (ESA) program that permits students and their parents to choose how to be educated was the source of the ACLU’s ire. Author of the legislation, State Sen. Scott Hammond (R-Las Vegas) said his aim was “to enable families to completely customize their child’s educational experience, and ensure students can match education options and providers to their unique learning needs.” These accounts can be used to pay for private school tuition, online learning, special...
  • Pope Confuses Christians [semi-satire]

    05/22/2016 11:32:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Pope Francis startled many Catholics this week by likening Jesus' admonition to his apostles to go forth and preach the Gospel to Mohamed's call for Muslims to wage jihad against unbelievers, calling both "incitements to conquest." "In a way, beheading someone or blowing them up may be less intrusive than Jesus' command to 'love thy neighbor' or to 'turn the other cheek,'" Francis said. "The jihadi attacks the body, but the Christian missionary invades the soul. Even the most grievous injury to the flesh is transitory. But changing a person's soul persists beyond his temporary Earthly existence." Francis went on...
  • White House Defends Rhodes’ Lies [semi-satire]

    05/21/2016 10:41:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    While Deputy National Security Adviser Ben Rhodes’ lies about the Iran deal are a self-admitted matter of public record, an irate GOP controlled Congress will not be permitted to call him to testify. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest brushed aside Rhodes’ admission in a New York Times feature article that “we fabricated the narrative and played the media like a fiddle,” as a “youthful mistake borne of an excess of enthusiasm. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Rhodes has the full confidence of President Obama and was carrying out his directives as he briefed the media regarding the...
  • "Ugly Women Will Put Hillary in White House" Says Dem [semi-satire]

    05/20/2016 4:13:55 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 29 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) bragged that "ugly women will put Hillary in the White House next November. Donald Trump may have sponsored beauty pageants, but let's face it, the overwhelming majority of women are ugly. They're going to vote for one of their own kind over a billionaire misogynist." "For one thing, the Democratic Party is a better friend to ugly women," Rendell contended. "We give them what they want. We give them welfare, which comes in handy if you're too ugly or nasty to hold onto a man. We enact laws that give them the right to...
  • NYC Mayor Orders Bars to Serve Pregnant Women [semi-satire]

    05/18/2016 4:29:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio banned bars operating in the city from refusing to serve alcohol to pregnant women. This is despite virtually universal medical advice against the consumption of alcohol by expectant mothers. The Mayor said he is "cognizant of the damage that might be done to an unborn child if its mother imbibes, but the possibility of harm is not a sufficient reason for a business establishment to discriminate against these women. Under New York's laws a woman has an unconstrained right to kill her unborn child if she so chooses. The less extreme option of...
  • Transgender school house Rock:I'm just a bill but I wanna be Jill

    05/18/2016 12:06:00 PM PDT · by mainestategop · 9 replies
    YOUTUBE ^ | Steven Crowder
    From http://LouderWithCrowder.com How does a bill become a law? How does a law cause so much controversy like in North Carolina or Georgia. Why are the LGBTQAAI warriors so angry at the transgender bathroom bills? Allow trans-gender bill to explain.
  • Judge Blocks Restitution to Innocent Man [semi-satire]

    05/18/2016 11:31:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Guillermo Espinoza's efforts to retrieve $19,894 seized by Arkansas State Police were brought to an abrupt halt by Judge Chris Williams. State prosecutors asked that the money be returned to Espinoza since no criminal charges were being pursued against him. Williams rejected this request on the grounds that Espinoza had missed the 10-day deadline for filing the papers to initiate restitution. As Williams sees it, "the rules on civil forfeiture are clearly spelled out in statute. Whether or not Mr. Espinoza was or wasn't engaged in any illegal activity is irrelevant. Arkansas law gives the government the right to seize...
  • Debate on Pot Legalization Heats up in California [semi-satire]

    05/16/2016 10:30:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The debate over a California initiative to legalize recreational marijuana sparked heated rejoinders from both sides this week. Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R) suggested that legalization "will better deploy law enforcement resources. Energy that is now put into harassing inoffensive users of marijuana can be redirected toward suppressing more serious crimes like rape and murder." Leading opponent of legalization, Ventura Police Chief Ken Corney, president of the California Police Chiefs Association, challenged the Congressman "to name one so-called rape or murder victim who might otherwise have been spared if police officers weren't occupied enforcing our drug laws." "Potheads like to portray...
  • Pedophile Airways and Island Resort (Satire)

    05/15/2016 5:15:29 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    Satire & Sarcasm | 5/15/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    Pedophile Airways and Island Resort announced today that it has reduced its prices and will give "double miles" to increase traffic to the resort. Double miles may be earned at any retail store or public educational facility operating under President Obama's "anything goes bathroom rules". Dreaming of a get away with that 12 year old boy or girl? Why while away the hours at the NSA, DEA, BLM, EPA, BLS, etc. watching child porn when you can be on a plane and in the action within hours. Many payment plans are available. Can't spend those kickbacks from the BLM job......
  • Zuckerberg Denies Suppressing Conservative News [semi-satire]

    05/15/2016 5:00:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Reports that Facebook moderators routinely suppress trending news favorable to conservatives were vigorously denied by CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who claimed "I don't even know who the leaders of the conservative movement are. So how can I or my employees be biased against them?" This is the second display of ideological bias to issue from Zuckerberg this year. Earlier, the Facebook executive berated employees for abusing a company-granted "freedom-of-expression" policy to write "all lives matter" on a wall devoted to free expression in the company's Melo Park, California headquarters. "I could not allow the insensitivity toward the 'Black lives matter' meme...
  • President Decrees New Nationwide School Restroom & Locker Room Law [semi-satire]

    05/15/2016 1:25:41 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid aimed at "stopping a confusing patchwork of divergent rules," President Obama issued an executive order mandating that every public school in the United States make all previously sexually-segregated restrooms and locker rooms open to persons of both sexes. Instead of relying on biological differences to determine which toilets, which showers, or which athletic teams students should have access to, schools must now use psychological differences. Biological males who think of themselves as female must be allowed to use facilities previously restricted to biological females, and vice versa. Vanita Gupta, head of the Justice Department's Civil Rights Division...
  • Clinton Foundation Scandals Pooh-Poohed by Insider [semi-satire]

    05/14/2016 4:17:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Bill Allison, a senior fellow at the Sunlight Foundation, a government watchdog group, labeled the so-called charity "a slush fund for the Clintons. Only a small fraction of the money raised is distributed as aid. The vast bulk of the money is used on administration, travel, salaries and bonuses, with the fattest payouts going to family friends." Clinton Foundation spokesman Craig Minassian asserted that "no laws have been broken. How any charitable trust spends the funds it receives is a matter of discretion. The donors all gave voluntarily. They wanted the Clinton family to have this money. We haven't heard...