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Keyword: satire

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  • Housing a "Necessary Right" Says Congresswoman [semi-satire]

    10/18/2017 11:18:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) declared "it is everyone's human right to have a suitable house to live in. Life, liberty and pursuit of happiness mean nothing if you don't have a decent place to live." Waters demanded that Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson "implement a program that provides a house to everyone that needs it. For too long access to a decent home has depended on the ability of individuals to afford to pay for it and maintain it. This is an injustice when we have the means to solve this problem." Part of the Congresswoman's reasoning cited...
  • Twitter Blocks Candidate’s Mention of “Aborted Baby Parts” [semi-satire]

    10/17/2017 11:16:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    A tweet from Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) that mentioned Planned Parenthood’s sales of aborted baby parts led to Twitter blocking a campaign ad in her bid for a US Senate seat in her state. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey labeled Blackburn’s tweet “inflammatory and likely to evoke a strong negative reaction. On the one hand, there’s the woman who already has to deal with the emotionally difficult decision to terminate her pregnancy. Awareness that her baby might be cannibalized and sold for parts like a junked car would add unnecessary trauma to that decision.” “On the other hand, there is potential...
  • Carter Offers Self as “Human Shield” [semi-satire]

    10/16/2017 10:52:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, former US President Jimmy Carter offered himself to North Korea’s communist government to “act as a human shield against an attack by the Trump Administration” contending that “even a madman like Trump would surely pull back if he knew an innocent American’s life was at stake.” Fortunately for the ex-president, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un rebuffed the offer. “Our might is supreme,” Kim boasted. “We have no need for shields—human or otherwise. Mr. Carter, like all of my enemies, will die at a time and place of my choosing. Even those who to attempt to hide like my...
  • Clintons Should Run Puerto Rico Relief Effort [semi-satire]

    10/15/2017 9:42:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Former presidential candidate and Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean criticized the Trump Administration’s handling of post-hurricane relief efforts for the island of Puerto Rico. While the federal government has delivered massive amounts of supplies to the island it has not been uniformly successful in getting them distributed to those in need. Part of the hang-up has been local politicians laying claim to supplies. Another part has been unions seeking higher pay for transporting the supplies locally. Dean’s proposed solution: “let the Clinton Foundation take over from here. They have the know how and a demonstrated history of success. When...
  • Presidential Library Won’t Include Obama Documents [semi-satire]

    10/15/2017 2:34:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    The Obama Presidential Library revealed that it won’t be providing any original documents written by Obama. Instead of having the former president’s manuscripts, documents and letters from his tenure in office—items presidential centers around the country all have—the Obama Library will have space for outdoor functions and picnics, a basketball court, recording studio, sledding hill, children’s play garden, and more. The decision has scholars puzzled and disappointed. University of Chicago Professor of Black Studies Richard Buttkiss could hardly contain his dismay that “the written words of the greatest man to ever walk the Earth will not be available for historians...
  • Trump Revises Obamacare Rules [semi-satire]

    10/14/2017 4:34:52 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    This week President Trump made some administrative revisions to the Affordable Care Act health insurance program. Using latitude granted to the president in the original legislation, Trump issued an executive action that allows individuals more choices in how to insure themselves. This expansion of choice was denounced by key Democrats. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called Trump's move "a stab in the back. Allowing people more choices is the exact opposite of what is needed if the changes made by Obamacare are to be made permanent. People will choose selfishly. They will only buy coverage they think they need....
  • Judge Bars Cooperation with Commission on Election Integrity [semi-satire]

    10/09/2017 1:43:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Judge Tim Sulak, a Democrat who serves on the 353rd District Court located in Travis County, Texas filed a restraining order blocking the Secretary of State from turning over voter registration information to President Donald Trump’s Advisory Commission on Election Integrity. Texas law requires the Secretary of State to release the information to any person or organization that fills out the form, pays the fee and signs an affidavit certifying that the information will not be used for commercial purposes. In his ruling Sulak maintained that “the entire Trump Administration is nothing more that a gigantic marketing campaign to sell...
  • Lawyer Says Dems Ordered Falsification of Records [semi-satire]

    10/08/2017 10:27:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Democratic National Committee IT aide Imran Awan has been indicted for bank fraud and is suspected of pilfering computer equipment and selling classified materials to the highest bidders. Aaron Page, one of his lawyers says that his Democratic congressional employers told him to falsify records in order to conceal how they were spending public funds. The alleged falsification scheme entailed bogus invoices showing a expensive equipment incorrectly inventoried at under $500 in value, but with an attached "service plan" to compensate the vendor for the full cost of the item. Later these items frequently disappeared because items listed as under...
  • Serial Sexual Harasser Sees Right-Wing Conspiracy [semi-satire]

    10/07/2017 3:36:46 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Hollywood big shot Harvey Weinstein took a hint from his good friend Hillary Clinton and blamed a vast right-wing conspiracy for a recent New York Times article detailing his long history as a serial sexual harasser. Hurt that his generous donations to Democratic politicians and payoffs to his victims weren’t sufficient to suppress this information, the bloated movie mogul lamented that his reputation may have been “irretrievably damaged.” “The unfairness of it all just boggles my mind,” Weinstein admitted. “Others have done far worse and come away smelling like a rose. Bill Clinton raped a woman and committed perjury, but...
  • IRS Gives Contract to Equifax [semi-satire]

    10/07/2017 9:46:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Despite a hack of its database that exposed the personal information of 145 million of its customers, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) granted a no-bid $7.5 million contract to Equifax. Under the terms of the contract the company will handle the personal information of millions of taxpayers. Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) called the contract "bad on so many levels. What kind of fool trusts a firm that has just experienced a huge data breach to handle more of the same kind of data? On top of this, the 'no-bid' process evades procurement guidelines calling for competitive bids from multiple firms....
  • Massacre in Vegas Spurs Gun Control Effort [semi-satire]

    10/06/2017 7:09:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Like clockwork, the murderous rampage in which a sniper shot more than 500 people, killing 58 of them, from a Las Vegas high-rise hotel last Sunday has inspired renewed calls for gun control legislation. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called for "Republicans to join Democrats in order to pass legislation that will once-and-for-all disarm those who have no need for guns." From what we know about the alleged shooter it seems unlikely that any gun legislation would be effective in deterring this type of crime. After all, murder is already illegal and carries the most severe penalties under existing...
  • 10 Not-Racist-at-All Things White People Do That Make Me Think ‘Yup, He’s Probably Racist’

    10/05/2017 11:43:45 AM PDT · by rey · 77 replies
    “Staying alive” is probably my favorite hobby. It’s fun and exciting and exhilarating, and it literally keeps my heart rate up. And as a black man in America, a great and efficient way of finding time and space to partake in my favorite pastime is by avoiding unnecessary interactions with raccoons, undercooked chickens, sh**** barbers, Ray Lewis and racist white people. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be hard to distinguish regular ol’ white people from racists—especially when the racists leave their “MAGA” hats at home—so I have to take the information I’ve learned over three decades of interactions with them and...
  • Facebook Censors Pro-Gun Video Mocking Weapon Hysteria

    10/05/2017 10:06:25 AM PDT · by servo1969 · 17 replies
    Dailycaller.com ^ | 10-5-2017 | David Hookstead
    Facebook censored a pro-gun video of a user mocking the hysteria around how “easy” it allegedly is to convert rifles to automatic fire. The video can be seen here, but can’t be embedded because it “may show graphic violence or gore.” The censored video doesn’t show violence or gore. It shows Facebook user Andy Orlando disassembling a rifle and handgun while joking about converting them to automatic fire. In reality, he made the weapons completely useless. He pulled the slide spring out of his Sig handgun, and removed the bolt carrier group from his AR-15 rifle. The AR-15 is 100...
  • Watch A Man Convert His AR-15 So It Fires ‘70,000 Rounds A Minute’

    10/05/2017 10:01:39 AM PDT · by servo1969 · 116 replies
    Dailycaller.com ^ | 10-5-2017 | David Hookstead
    One man showed millions of people how to convert an AR-15 so that it can fire 70,000 rounds in a minute. All Andy Orlando used was a mil-spec butter knife, and he “converted” a handgun and rifle into automatic weapons in less than five minutes. He got the rifle to a sustained rate of fire of 70,000 rounds per minute, and the handgun to a rate of 2,000 rounds per minute. Absolutely incredible accomplishment. I don’t want to give any of his secrets away, so go ahead and watch the video.
  • Special Counsel Declines to Pursue Evidence of Obama Crimes [semi-satire]

    10/04/2017 2:43:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    While Special Counsel Robert Mueller has yet to uncover any evidence of a Trump-Russia plot to steal last year’s presidential election, he has turned up disturbing incidents of the Obama Administration’s illegal spying on American citizens and lying under oath. However, it is unlikely that anything will come of these findings since, as Mueller explains, “whatever misdeeds may or may not have been committed by members of the previous administration are not part of my mandate. My mission is to prove collusion between Trump’s people and agents of the Russian government. For me to go outside of my mission mandate...
  • Governor Approves Medicaid for Abortions [semi-satire]

    10/03/2017 11:44:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, Illinois Gov. Bruce Rauner (R) signed legislation authorizing tax money to be used to fund abortions for poor people. This reversed a position he announced last April against such funding, but honors his 2014 campaign pledge "to ensure that poor mothers have the same ability to terminate unwanted children that their richer sisters have." Rauner brushed aside Republican arguments that individuals morally opposed to the murder of unborn children shouldn't be forced to finance it through taxes, saying that "individual matters of conscience cannot be permitted to impede the collective will of the people. I was elected on...
  • Venezuela, N. Korea offer asylum to oppressed NFL players

    10/03/2017 5:09:31 AM PDT · by NorseViking · 20 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 9/25/2017 | Kommissar Brainiac
    The governments of Venezuela and North Korea came out today offering asylum to those oppressed NFL players who refuse to stand for the National Anthem. "We understand how oppressive that song can be and if you accept our offer, you will never have to hear it again," said a joint spokesperson. "We would also invite them to deposit their funds in our banks and invest in our countries. It would be worthwhile." The governments also reminded the players that they are still owned by capitalist team owners so we understand their oppression is real. Meanwhile Nancy Polosi, Charles Schumer and...
  • Operation “Safe City” Nets Nearly 500 Illegals [semi-satire]

    10/02/2017 12:08:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) teams made 498 arrests in “sanctuary cities” this past week as part of an enforcement action dubbed “safe city.” Those arrested included 317 people with criminal convictions, 68 immigration fugitives, 104 people who had previously been deported and 18 known gang members. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney (D) denounced the ICE raids as “an infringement on our city’s sovereignty. We gave our word to these undocumented immigrants that they would be safe from arrest in our jurisdiction. Now we look like fools.” The Mayor vowed legal action “to reverse this egregious miscarriage of justice. We’re...
  • Dems Assail Trump’s NFL Comments [semi-satire]

    10/01/2017 10:39:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    President Trump’s objection to NFL players refusing to stand for the playing of the National Anthem prior to the start of their football games spurred outrage among assorted Democrats. Democratic Coalition chairman Jon Cooper maintained that Trump’s statement that “the sons of bitches who won’t stand for the Anthem ought to be fired” violates federal law. “It’s pretty clear that the president saying someone ought to be fired is a crime,” Cooper said. “This crime carries a penalty of 15 years in prison.” Despite the lack of any mention of race in Trump’s remarks, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) insisted that...
  • China Cracks Down on Toilet Paper Abuses [semi-satire]

    09/30/2017 11:10:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Concerned that its citizens might be using too much toilet paper, the government of China is installing facial recognition technology in its public restrooms. If the same person tries to obtain more than his or her allotted four squares of toilet tissue per visit the computer will recognize the face and withhold any additional paper. Chinese Minister of Public Facilities Hu Du Dung explained that "four squares is an adequate amount for any socially responsible person. It is four times the amount the Japanese allowed to their POWs during World War II. Any attempt to use more is theft from...