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Keyword: satire

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  • Lawyers for Accused Boston Marathon Bomber Demand Charges Be Dropped [semi-satire]

    03/03/2015 8:43:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 March 2015 | John Semmens
    Lawyers for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the person accused of complicity in the Boston Marathon bombing, are demanding that charges against their client be dropped. “The law guarantees every person accused of a crime will be judged by a jury of his peers,” said Judith Mizner, lead attorney for the defense. “Mr. Tsarnaev’s peers are his fellow jihadis. None of them can set foot in the courtroom without fear of being arrested. Consequently, Mr. Tsarnaev’s fundamental civil right to a jury of his peers cannot be fulfilled. His indictment should be dismissed.” The federal appeals court in Massachusetts, though, denied Mizner’s request....
  • Executive Action Underway to Ban Bullets SATIRE

    03/02/2015 9:12:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 March 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama has ordered the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) to write a regulation banning 5.56mm ammo. This is the type of bullet used in the AR-15 style semi-automatic—the top-selling rifle in the country. BATFE Director B. Todd Jones characterized the proposed new rule as “pure genius on the part of the President. The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. It doesn’t say anything about ammunition. By going after the bullets we skirt all the arguments the NRA uses to block government’s efforts to disarm the public.” Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Rep. Bob...
  • Departing AG Laments Difficulty of Making Case for Civil Rights Abuses SATIRE

    03/01/2015 9:38:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 28 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Citing the difficulties his office encountered in pursuing charges against George Zimmerman and Darren Wilson, retiring Attorney General Eric Holder urged that changes be made in order to make it easier for the government to bring and win civil rights cases. “The ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ standard is too daunting,” Holder complained. “Does anyone seriously doubt that there was an element of racial bias in the shootings of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown? In my opinion, centuries of the oppression of minorities in this country proves that racism is deeply embedded in the culture. It would be unreasonable to presume that...
  • FCC Issues Secret Regulations for Internet [semi-satire]

    02/27/2015 10:59:05 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Anxious to rescue the Internet from what Federal Communications Chairman Tom Wheeler called a "regime of anarchy," the FCC approved over 300 pages of new rules designed "to bring order to this disorderly segment of our society." "Right now, pretty much anyone with access to the web can do or say whatever he wants," Wheeler pointed out. "This is very distressing to President Obama. At his urging we have adopted rules modeled on policies laid down by our agency in the 1930s." While loath to go into specifics "so as not to lose the very useful element of surprise as...
  • Government Panel Calls for Measures to Upgrade Our Health SATIRE

    02/23/2015 12:57:18 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    The Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee (DGAC) issued a 571 page report outlining its recommendations for transforming Americans' health. Citing persistent high levels of overweight and obesity, the report proposed "strategies across multiple settings, including health care, communities, schools, work sites, and families." First Lady Michelle Obama hailed the report as "the guiding light toward a healthier and happier America. The notion that individuals can be left on their own to choose what they eat and how much to exercise has proven to be a failure. DGAC's call for 'trained interventionists' to take charge is the right message at the right...
  • Satirical Sunday: "Jobs for Jihadists" Applications Flood State Department

    02/22/2015 4:42:28 PM PST · by aMorePerfectUnion · 25 replies
    Zero Hedgeq ^ | 2-22-15 | DC Clothesline
    Via D.C.Clothesline, After U.S. State Department Spokeswoman Marie Harf announced that the long-term strategy in the fight against ISIS was to create jobs for potential jihadists, countless terrorists began filling out applications. Here are a few examples (along with a blank application for potential jihadists on the job hunt)...
  • Democrats Defend Obama’s “Tough Love” for America SATIRE

    02/22/2015 10:45:44 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    In the wake of his questioning of President Obama’s love for this country, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is catching flak from Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “This kind of comment is unwelcome and dangerous,” Schultz said. “The President is the most powerful person on the planet. Insulting him like this is tantamount to poking a lion with a stick. What can Giuliani be thinking?” “What people need to understand is that President Obama is not a ‘rah-rah’ or ‘God bless America’ type of patriot,” Schultz explained. “He’s just the only president to be completely honest...
  • Court Ruling Won’t Impede Amnesty SATIRE

    02/21/2015 9:33:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Texas, Judge Andrew Hanen’s ruling against the Obama Administration’s unilateral rewriting of the nation’s immigration laws has Democrats incensed. Hanen demolished the Administration’s contention that President Obama’s actions were within his “prosecutorial discretion.” “It is within the President’s discretion not to prosecute individuals who have broken our laws,” the Judge said. “It is not within his discretion to create new laws without Congressional legislation.” Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson vowed to press ahead regardless of the ruling. “The opinion of a single judge in Texas can’t overturn the decision of the President...
  • Beheadings in Libya Said to Vindicate Obama's Warning[semi-satire]

    02/21/2015 12:13:45 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    The Islamic State's claim that the beheading of 21 Egyptian Christians was justified as vengeance for the Crusades was cited by US Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest "as a total vindication of the President's speech at the National Prayer Breakfast two weeks ago." "That a cycle of violence initiated by Christians centuries ago would come back to haunt practitioners of that faith today should not have been unexpected," Earnest maintained. "The Crusaders killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims. The ISIL reprisals in Libya were modest and restrained in comparison. Once again, the President's wisdom and insight have clarified what others...
  • Illegal Aliens should get more benefits than Citizens ~ Vanity

    02/18/2015 4:07:41 PM PST · by GraceG · 32 replies
    GraceG
    Now hear me out fellow freepers, before you start spam hate posting me. I think that these poor illegal aliens, ermmm, illegal immigrants, err.. Undocumented Workers, errr.... citizens of the world that apparently lost their documents in tragic paper shredding accident. Where was I? Oh yes they deserve a LOT MORE benefits than any old dumb legal born here citizen from flyover country. We should hire some radical Islamist (who need jobs, obviously) to hand out SNAP and EBT cards at the border to these "folks" so they can get a head start on the "glorious socialist American communist dependency...
  • FEC Mulling Plan to Limit Political Blogging [semi-satire]

    02/17/2015 12:10:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Concerned that “the low cost of Internet communications could adversely impact candidates who communicate by legitimate regulated paid media,” the Federal Elections Commission is considering regulations that would place a cap on blogs and tweets that conforms with campaign finance rules. Under the proposed scheme, the FEC would estimate the monetary value of every political comment made on these media. Once the accumulated value of comments reached the ceiling for contributions to a candidate or ballot measure, the blogger or tweeter would be ordered to stop making any additional comments prior to election day. Failure to do so would subject...
  • Can the Onion and satire survive?

    02/17/2015 9:02:13 AM PST · by Sean_Anthony · 16 replies
    Canada Free Press ^ | 02/17/15 | Arthur Weinreb
    How can the Onion and satire possibly survive when what is really happening in Obama’s America is funnier and more satirical than anything that publication can come up with? Is the concept of satire as portrayed in such publications as the Onion dead? Well, if satire is not dead it is surely on its last legs, at least in the United States. With what is taking place in the world today, especially in the United States under the leadership of B. Hussein Obama, it is difficult to see how the concept of satire can possibly survive. It is not unknown...
  • The Presidents Assigned to Their Proper Schools

    02/16/2015 2:55:39 PM PST · by FlJoePa · 17 replies
    everydayshouldbesaturday.com ^ | 2-16-15 | Spencer Hall
    George Washington. Famous for being first, but hasn't done anything in centuries. RUTGERS John Adams. Sort of forgotten and small and lost to Thomas Jefferson so...WAKE FOREST Thomas Jefferson. Bought Louisiana, had zero scruples, drank hard, and invented the disgraceful sex scandal. LSU James Madison. Tiny, but punched well above his weight, and lasted way longer in the game than he had any right to via craftiness. BOISE STATE James Monroe. Known for having financial difficulties. MARYLAND John Quincy Adams. Thorny bastard who swam naked in rivers for fun and had big-ass sideburns. WEST VIRGINIA Andrew Jackson. Completely insane. Noted...
  • UN Official: Capitalism Must Be Destroyed for Sake of Planet SATIRE

    02/16/2015 9:10:33 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    In remarks to an inner cadre of the U.N.’s Framework Convention on Climate Change, Executive Secretary Christiana Figueres, maintained that “economic progress since the Industrial Revolution has gone too far. The Earth is in danger of being overrun by unconstrained prosperity.” “Capitalists like to contend that the increased life expectancies and material well-being of billions of people is some sort of proof that the system is a good thing,” Figueres said. “But they are wrong. Billions more humans living longer lives in greater luxury is a problem, not a benefit.” “There is no objective evidence proving that people living longer...
  • Walker’s Lack of College Degree Called “Disqualifying” SATIRE

    02/15/2015 9:33:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2014 | John Semmens
    Unsuccessful presidential candidate and former Governor Howard Dean (D-Vt) assailed Wisconsin’s Republican Governor Scott Walker’s lack of a college degree as “disqualifying. Given the complex world we live in, America needs to be led by only the most highly educated men and women. The fate of the nation can’t be entrusted to a guy who couldn’t hack it and dropped out.” “Look, college in the 1980s, when Walker was a student, wasn’t that hard,” Dean argued. “Even the minimally competent could get a degree. A person would’ve had to be incredibly dumb or unmotivated not to have been able to...
  • Amnesty ‘Loophole’ May Allow Illegals to Vote [semi-satire]

    02/14/2015 9:26:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Secretaries of state from Ohio and Kansas say that the documents—driver’s licenses and Social Security numbers—being provided to the illegal immigrants granted amnesty by President Obama open a “loophole” that will make it easy for these non-citizens to vote in our elections. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest questioned the characterization of potential voting by these persons as a “loophole. I would say it would be more accurately described as a ‘feature’ of the President’s executive action regarding the ‘dreamers’ he is trying to aid.” Earnest also took issue with the premise that the “dreamers” being granted these privileges are “non-citizens....
  • An Announcement from President Obama [satire - 30 second video]

    02/13/2015 11:20:21 PM PST · by grundle · 4 replies
    Ted Cruz' YouTube account ^ | February 13, 2015 | Ted Cruz
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtNTNqNizFs
  • [Satire] Islamic State Files Slander Suit against Obama, Kerry

    02/13/2015 11:18:37 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Incensed that the President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry have damaged their reputation by falsely claiming that Islam is a religion of peace, attorneys for the Islamic State have filed a defamation of character suit in the District of Columbia Federal Court. "The unrelenting attempt to portray our righteous slaughter of unbelievers and apostates as contrary to the will of Allah and the tenets of Islam is a slander of the worst kind," insisted attorney Muhammad Baddman. "Islam is the religion of the sword. The Quran commands the faithful to make war on all who resist the...
  • Former Pro-Life Democrat Evolves [semi-satire]

    02/11/2015 6:48:00 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) announced he was switching sides in the pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. The former pro-life Democrat claimed he had an epiphany persuading him that abortion is a woman’s right and that no government had the authority to intervene for any reason. “It is the Congressman’s position that it is not for anyone else to judge whether or when an abortion should or shouldn’t be permitted,” Ryan’s chief of staff Ron Grimes maintained. “And yes, this means up until the moment of birth and for whatever reason the woman finds meaningful, including the sex of the fetus.” Grimes...
  • The Barack Hessein Obama Memorial Landfill Is A Perfect Location for His Presidential Library

    02/11/2015 8:01:20 AM PST · by Stayfree · 29 replies
    Self | February 11, 2015 | Stayfree
    In a fitting honor of his legacy, the state of North Dakota named its new monster landfill as the Barack Hussein Obama Memorial Landfill to underscore the feelings of most Americans with an IQ above 10. "We wanted to do something to honor the president," says Republican State Senator Doug Perlman, who was the lead sponsor of the bill. "And I think a pile of garbage is a fitting tribute to Obama's presidency."
  • AG Nominee Calls Civil Forfeiture “Wonderful Tool” [semi-satire]

    02/10/2015 12:30:49 PM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama’s nominee for Attorney General Loretta Lynch followed up her stunning defense a president’s “right to summarily execute enemies of the state” with fulsome praise for government’s controversial practice of seizing the property and money of people before they are found guilty of a crime, calling it “a wonderful tool.” “It is difficult to prove someone guilty of a crime under our laws,” Lynch pointed out. “The evidence required is substantial. The ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ standard is daunting. Under Civil Forfeiture, though, there is more leeway. Under this statute, the property or money is accused of illegal actions. Since...
  • IRS Needs 9,000 More Employees to Enforce Obamacare Tax [SATIRE]

    02/09/2015 8:54:32 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama’s $4 trillion budget proposal calls for a $2 billion boost in IRS spending in order to hire 9,000 new employees. The task of these new employees will be to track down persons who have failed to enroll in a health insurance plan and extract monetary penalties from them. “The era of individual choice in healthcare is drawing to a close,” IRS Commissioner John Koskinen declared. “The law requires everyone to purchase a federally approved health insurance policy. Those who think that they know what’s best for themselves are free to do what they want, but they still have...
  • NBC Anchor Admits to Lying about Iraq War Experience [satire]

    02/08/2015 10:37:52 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    NBC’S Brian Williams finally admitted that after 12 years of bragging about how he faced death while reporting on the Iraq War in 2003 that he had lied. Real soldiers flying in the helicopter transporting Williams to the war zone unanimously attested that, contrary to Williams’ heroic story, the aircraft was not hit and landed safely. Williams characterized his lie as “a mistake made in good faith. It was my way of bonding with the men and women who risked their lives in the battle against Saddam Hussein. It was also an attempt to make the war seem more real...
  • President Me: Adam Carolla Vs. the Scourge of Narcissism

    02/08/2015 7:13:51 AM PST · by rktman · 10 replies
    pjmedia.com ^ | 2/6/2015 | Mark Ellis
    In President Me, Adam Carolla takes the pulse of the social contract, a pulse that is slackening. Narcissism is the sapping beast. Carolla sees an insidious minority that has turned out to be “assholes.” Predictably, the trait has infiltrated what is now known anachronistically as “the fabric of society.” The death of God, absent fathers, subversive pop culture, unassimilated immigration, and infantilizing, cradle/grave government all factor as threats to destroy from within America’s exceptionalist sovereignty. Carolla’s admonition is about a stratum of quasi-pathological narcissism breeding within our culture.
  • Congressman Says Media Not Pushing Amnesty Hard Enough [satire]

    02/07/2015 9:11:29 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) castigated the media for its “lackadaisical support of the President’s innovative solution to this chronic problem.” As Gutierrez sees it, “the vilification of amnesty opponents and the glorification of illegal immigrants the media have been doing is too mild. They still go through the motions of pretending that there is another side to this issue rather than accepting that the President has laid down a new law.” The Congressman warned that “President Obama may have to institute strict controls over what is reported if the media doesn’t fall in line. Their job is to help the...
  • [Satire] President Urges More Understanding for Islamic State Atrocities

    02/06/2015 11:18:03 PM PST · by John Semmens · 25 replies
    With videos of beheadings, stonings, and incineration of helpless victims by the Islamic State flooding the media, President Obama took the occasion of his address to the National Prayer Breakfast this week as an opportunity to try to dampen the anger of partisans of civilized behavior. "Let's not forget that 800 years ago Christians committed horrendous crimes against peaceful Muslims during the so-called Crusades," Obama reminded. "Whole populations were massacred—men, women, and children—all in the name of Christ. Five hundred years ago, the Inquisition sent thousands of heretics and apostates to be burned at the stake. From a historical perspective,...
  • Venezuelan Army Authorized to Execute Protesters [semi-satire]

    02/04/2015 9:54:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    The Venezuelan Ministry of Defense has authorized the Army to shoot any protesters that do not obey orders to disperse. Minister of Defense, General Vladimir Padrino López defended the decree as both “necessary and proper. In this time of crisis everyone should be working together in support of the government. Public complaints alleging that the government has not fulfilled its promises encourages people to oppose the government’s measures to deal with the crisis. Such disloyalty cannot be tolerated.” There is also a pragmatic aspect to the policy. According to the General, “to the extent that shortages of food and other...
  • (satire) Obama taps NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to investigate administration scandals

    02/03/2015 10:26:50 AM PST · by orwell2112 · 13 replies
    Thoughtgrime ^ | February 2, 2015 | Sisyphus
    In an unscheduled press conference today, President Obama announced he was appointing controversy-tested NFL commissioner Roger Goodell as Special Investigator in Charge (SIIC) within the U.S. Department of Justice Office of Special Counsel, where, according to the president’s introductory remarks, Goodell will have “full investigatory and prosecutorial powers to pursue any and all wrongdoings and rumors of wrongdoings occurring within the executive branch since the onset of my term.”
  • Biden Says Everything Ought to Be Free [semi-satire]

    02/02/2015 9:44:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    In what some are saying may be a move to lock up progressive support for a possible 2016 presidential run, Vice-President Joe Biden declared that if he were running this country everything would be free. “You know how we’ve all heard that the best things in life are free, well, that clearly hasn’t been the case,” Biden observed. “Almost everything people want costs money. And a lot of people just don’t have enough money to fully partake of this nation’s abundance.” Biden criticized past efforts to try to solve the problem by handing out government benefits to the poor. “No...
  • AG Nominee Makes Case for Summary Executions on President’s Order [semi-satire]

    02/01/2015 9:31:17 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Feb 2015 | John Semmens
    In Senate hearings designed to vet Loretta Lynch, President Obama’s nominee for Attorney General, the question of whether it is constitutional for the government to use extrajudicial lethal force on an American citizen on American soil failed to elicit the obvious “NO” that should be expected from someone aiming to become the nation’s top law enforcer. As Lynch sees it, “it all depends on who gives the order. If it’s someone trustworthy like President Obama, I think we give him the benefit of the doubt. We can’t allow ourselves to get tied in knots over ‘due process’ concepts originating more...
  • University Bans Use of Sexist Salutations [semi-satire]

    01/31/2015 9:30:24 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that "Mr., Mrs., and Ms" are hurtful and offensive to those with nontraditional gender identification, City University of New York wants its employees—professors and staff—to stop using these greetings. Dean of Students Peter Beaver explained that "for us to assume that because a person looks male we should address him as 'mister' overlooks the possibility that inwardly that person may identify as female. The situation for those who look female is even more complex, as 'miss' and 'missus' inject a marital status into the equation." "The appropriate form of salutation will be situational," Beaver said. "If a university employee...
  • Congressional Democrats May Boycott Netanyahu Speech [semi-satire]

    01/31/2015 12:58:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    While a number of key Democrats were still wondering whether attending Netanyahu's speech to Congress in February would be proper, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was adamant that "it sends the wrong signal. Congress acting in contradiction to the wishes of the President undermines his authority. If his Congressional subordinates can defy him without consequence, what will foreign leaders think?" A second consideration weighing on Pelosi's mind was "the unfairness of the United States appearing to endorse Netanyahu in his upcoming March election campaign. For Congress to interfere with another country's electoral process is just not right." As for...
  • Oh how Hi –lari-ous: Obama Signs Executive Order Closing Congress - more sick jokes from the left

    01/30/2015 11:54:37 AM PST · by HammerT · 21 replies
    The New Yorker | January 29, 2015
    Title only:"Obama Signs Executive Order Closing Congress" But that says enough
  • Reid Can’t Read [semi-satire]

    01/27/2015 9:19:52 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) acknowledged that injuries to his eye sustained in an exercise apparatus mishap last month prevent him from reading. Rather than being an impediment to his legislative performance, though, Reid insists that it will be an asset. “The premise that a lawmaker needs to read the words he is enacting into law is erroneous,” Reid asserted. “Attempting to read the 1000 page bills we are asked to act upon is time consuming and, ultimately, unnecessary. Even when I could read I couldn’t bring myself to wade through the 2000 pages of the Affordable Care Act....
  • President Issues Statement Commemorating 42nd Anniversary of Roe vs Wade [semi-satire]

    01/26/2015 8:56:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama hailed the 42nd anniversary of 1973’s Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion at any time for any reason throughout a woman’s pregnancy. “Since 1973 over 50 million unwanted births have been prevented,” Obama pointed out. “That’s 50 million mothers spared the toils and troubles of rearing children they did not want. That’s 50 million individuals spared the indignity of being an unwanted child.” The President also took this anniversary as an opportunity to call for “continued vigilance against those who would have us backtrack on this vital human right.” Two instances of “backtracking” as the President sees it are...
  • President Touts Expansion of Welfare State to Boost “Middle Class” [semi-satire]

    01/25/2015 9:21:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    In his 2015 State-of-the Union address, President Obama lamented the unfairness of a society where only the few do spectacularly well. He proposed to rectify this injustice by expanding government programs that would offer pittances to a broader number of people who comply with specified behaviors. One stark example was the President’s proposal to penalize individuals who set aside money for their own children’s education with higher taxes that would be used to partially fund community college for all. “Why should those who have the means to finance their own children’s college be permitted to do so when the children...
  • Bush/Romney Political Wedding Falls Through [semi-satire]

    01/24/2015 9:08:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Hopes that a political wedding between former governors Jeb Bush (R-Fla) and Mitt Romney (R-Mass)--both potential Republican contenders for the presidency—would sweep aside other rivals fell through this week. While both the Bush and Romney camps were loath to release many details, insiders say the chief sticking point was who would be on top. Romney spokesman Richard Butz laid the blame on what he termed "Bush dynastic aspirations. It was our feeling that Mitt ought to be the one at the top of the ticket. Our polling shows that a substantial number of voters wish they had voted for Mitt...
  • White House Outraged over Boehner Invitation to Netanyahu [semi-satire]

    01/23/2015 3:45:45 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    The invitation House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) issued to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to address a joint session of Congress has the Obama Administration in a state of apoplexy. "The Speaker did not have President Obama's permission to issue such an invitation," complained Press Secretary Josh Earnest. "Prime Minister Netanyahu did not have the President's permission to accept the invitation. It's a major breach of protocol that undermines Executive Supremacy." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized Boehner's move as "a critical blunder. I wouldn't be surprised if the President were to use this as an excuse to disband...
  • BREAKING NEWS: John Kerry To Send Diana Ross To ISIS To Sing "Stop! In The Name Of Love" (SATIRE)

    01/22/2015 5:20:43 AM PST · by goldstategop · 15 replies
    Conservative News Facebook Page ^ | N/A | Conservative News
  • Canned Goods to Provide Security at Alabama School [satire]

    01/21/2015 1:07:03 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Huntsville, Alabama’s W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscilla Holley sent a letter home with students asking the parents of each of them to equip their child with 8 ounces of canned goods that the student would use as a weapon against armed intruders. The idea is that the possibility of being hit by a can of beans would deter gunmen from harming the children. A key feature of this plan, according to Holley, is “the element of surprise. We believe that a barrage of cans thrown by our 12 and 13 year-old students would be a formidable response.” The Principal...
  • Pope Says Good Catholics Need Not Mate “Like Wasp Spiders”

    01/20/2015 9:40:25 AM PST · by millegan · 21 replies
    NBC News via ChurchPOP ^ | January 20, 2015
    While firmly upholding Church teaching regarding contraception, Pope Francis clarified that good Catholics need not mate “like rabbits, or wasp spiders, with the female devouring the male following the procreative act.” “Openness to life for the husband,” the pontiff said to reporters on his return flight from the Philippines, “is a condition for the sacrament of matrimony.” Catholic couples should practice mutual love and tenderness, he explained, rather than the female “catching her partner in a web and slowly gnawing on him while he’s still alive, resulting in his slow, agonizing death.”
  • Houston Mayor Says Jury Trial Unnecessary [satire]

    01/20/2015 8:49:07 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Critics of Houston Mayor Annise Parker’s new protections for transgenders (allowing them to use whichever restroom they desire regardless of their anatomy) saw their petitions aimed at getting Mayor’s policy on the ballot arbitrarily declared invalid. The Mayor now wants these critics to be judged by a “Special Master” for “attempting to overturn simple justice through improper utilization of the petition process.” Those accused of this made-up crime have demanded a jury trial, a demand for something that Parker calls “ludicrous and unnecessary.” “The role of a jury is to determine the facts of a case,” Parker lectured. “In this...
  • NFL Investigating Claims That Belichick Used Black Magic In Win Over Colts

    01/20/2015 8:27:21 AM PST · by big'ol_freeper · 35 replies
    rilenews.com ^ | 19 Jan 15 | Wi Ji Ho
    Fresh off of a win in the AFC Championship game against the Indianapolis Colts, a new allegation is being levied at Bill Belichick, head coach of the New England Patriots. The Indianapolis camp is claiming that Belichick used black magic to the defeat them 45-7 in the Sunday night massacre.
  • President Urges Sounder Business Practices for Small Businesses [satire]

    01/19/2015 10:15:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    On Thursday, President Obama issued a Presidential Memorandum, directing all federal agencies to give federal workers six weeks of paid leave for parents with a new child. The President is expected to call for Congress to pass similar legislation compelling all American companies to offer the same six weeks of paid paternal leave. Small business owners are worried about the cost of this new entitlement. The President’s Council of Economic Advisers has estimated that the cost of this new perk for federal employees will run to $250 million per year. Press Secretary Josh Earnest downplayed these small business fears as...
  • President Calls for Government to Takeover Broad Band Service [satire]

    01/18/2015 10:29:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Lambasting what he termed “a confusing cacophony of competing private providers,” President Obama called for government “to step in and simplify everything by consolidating all broad band service under one umbrella.” “Right now, consumers face the continuous burden of choosing which plan to purchase,” the President pointed out. “There’s always a fear of choosing unwisely. If we eliminate this necessity to choose, consumers will be freed from this task. Instead of being faced with a difficult dilemma of what to do if their current provider is unsatisfactory, all consumers will be enrolled in a standard, uniform service. No one would...
  • Hebdo Attackers "Smeared" by Child Porn Revelations [satire]

    01/17/2015 8:22:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Radical imam Anjem Choudary characterized investigators' disclosure that Cherif Kouachi and Amedy Coulibaly—murderers of the Hebdo cartoonists—were frequent visitors to websites featuring child pornography as "a smear of their reputations." French detectives found five child porn photos on Coulibaly's laptop and 37 on Kouachi's PC. Kouachi's "favorites" folder included lurid pictures of young boys and girls involved in sexual acts with adults. "Just because Western culture declares relationships between adult men and pre-teens to be illicit doesn't make it so," Choudary complained. "The Prophet's (may peace be upon him) favorite wife married him when she was only six years old...
  • Obama Says Armed Response to Muslim Terrorism Wrong Approach [satire]

    01/16/2015 11:40:57 PM PST · by John Semmens · 32 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    While attempting not appear to condone the murder of the Hebdo staff and the Jewish hostages at a kosher supermarket in Paris last week, President Obama blamed France's failure to integrate Muslims into their society. "The fact is, Europe has done a poor job of making Muslim immigrants feel welcome," Obama said. "In country after country Muslims are isolated in ghetto-like conditions rather than dispersed among the general population like they are in the United States." The President dismissed contentions that the concentration of Muslims into enclaves was by choice. "The Muslim way of life has very specific requirements," Obama...
  • French comedian Dieudonne's arrest sparks free speech debate

    01/14/2015 7:30:45 AM PST · by Citizen Zed · 19 replies
    yahoo news / afp ^ | 1-14-2015 | Marianne Barriaux
    Notorious French comedian Dieudonne was arrested Wednesday for condoning terrorism over a comment suggesting he sympathised with one of the Paris attacks gunmen, in a move that sparked a debate about free speech. Prosecutors had opened the case against the comedian on Monday after he posted on his Facebook page "Tonight, as far as I'm concerned, I feel like Charlie Coulibaly" -- mixing the popular slogan "Je suis Charlie" used in homage to the slain Charlie Hebdo magazine journalists with a reference to Islamist gunman Amedy Coulibaly. Coulibaly killed four Jews at a supermarket on Friday and a policewoman the...
  • Ban on Fossil Fuels Needed to Save Planet [satire]

    01/13/2015 7:58:21 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    A study prepared by University College, London says severe restrictions on the use of fossil fuels are needed to prevent a forecast 2º centigrade increase in temperature over the next 100 years. Lead researcher Dr Christophe McGlade asserted that “decreasing the global consumption of fossil fuels is both essential and attainable. Humans can survive without these polluting commodities. In colder climates people can wear more layers of warmer clothing. We can drastically reduce the amount of combustion used to keep warm.” “In warmer climates people can let their own bodies’ sweat evaporation process keep them cool,” McGlade pointed out. “I...
  • Israeli Plagues Kill many Egyptians as cycle of violence continues

    04/01/2004 3:01:14 PM PST · by yonif · 18 replies · 400+ views
    Received in an urgent email | 4/1/2004 | unknown
    The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness. Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness,...