Keyword: satire

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  • Treasury Says Billions Paid to Iran Not Used to Fund Terrorists [semi-satire]

    09/24/2016 1:46:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Treasury Secretary Jack Lew told the House Financial Services Committee that "we have no evidence that the billions of dollars we have released to Iran in the past year have been used to fund terrorism. In fact, the government of Iran has assured us, in no uncertain terms, that not one dollar has been used to directly finance any terrorist group." Lew admitted that "we have no real way of knowing. We didn't record the serial numbers of any of the bills we handed over" as "this would not have shown good faith. Friendship is built upon a certain measure...
  • Dems Assail Skittles Analogy [semi-satire]

    09/24/2016 10:20:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Donald Trump Jr.'s analogy employing a bowl of Skittles sparked outrage among defenders of increased Muslim immigration to the United States. In the analogy, the son of the presidential candidate took on the argument that only a few terrorists would be able to sneak into the country by hiding among the throng of refugees from Syria. Trump asked "suppose I offered you the opportunity to grab a handful of Skittles from a bowl in which just a few were poisoned, would you take them?" The astoundingly dense Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) called Trump Jr. "a rotten apple that hasn't fallen...
  • Post Warns Trump Election "Blows Chance for Confronting Russia" [semi-satire]

    09/23/2016 5:28:41 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Jackson Diehl, deputy editorial page editor of the Washington Post, issued a stern warning to voters that "the election of Donald Trump would risk undermining our opportunity to blunt Russian imperialism in Syria. The United States is far stronger than Putin's Russia. We must not let them succeed." "In contrast," the Diehl pointed out, "Secretary Clinton understands the importance of maintaining a balance of power between the Assad regime and the Islamic State in the region and can be counted on to reject Putin's plea that the United States and Russia forge a common front against Islamic terrorism." Trump campaign...
  • Report: Terror attack stopped by heroic activist who established safe space in local mall

    09/22/2016 10:38:00 PM PDT · by Bubba Gump Shrimp · 6 replies
    DuffelBlog ^ | sept 22, 2016 | duffelblog
    ST. CLOUD, Minn. – Shane Williams was standing in line at Orange Julius with his 6-year old daughter when the screaming started last week. Instinctively, Shane pulled his daughter close and began searching for the cause of the commotion. Williams saw a woman running toward him; blood ran through her fingers where she clutched her abdomen. Behind her, a man dressed in a security guard uniform appeared to be wrestling with someone.
  • Students distribute ‘Racism Release Form’ at Goucher College

    09/22/2016 9:26:43 AM PDT · by LouieFisk · 6 replies
    CollegeFix.com ^ | September 22, 2016 | Kayla Schierbecker
    "Students at Maryland’s Goucher College can save administrators a step if they want to report racism: They can report themselves."
  • Report: Terror attack stopped by heroic activist who established safe space in local mall

    09/22/2016 7:57:34 AM PDT · by rey · 32 replies
    Duffleblog ^ | Satire
    ST. CLOUD, Minn. – Shane Williams was standing in line at Orange Julius with his 6-year old daughter when the screaming started last week. Instinctively, Shane pulled his daughter close and began searching for the cause of the commotion. Williams saw a woman running toward him; blood ran through her fingers where she clutched her abdomen. Behind her, a man dressed in a security guard uniform appeared to be wrestling with someone. Williams, who believed he might be witnessing an instance of patriarchal oppression, grabbed his cellphone. What happened next has caused everyone from the Mayor of St. Cloud, to...
  • Merkel Demands German Firms Hire Immigrants [semi-satire]

    09/19/2016 10:41:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Impatient at the slow progress toward integrating Middle Eastern immigrants into the German economy, Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that businesses "step up the pace of hiring. It's a disgrace that only 100 of the million refugees that have entered the country this year have jobs. The refusal of the private sector to offer enough jobs forces the government to bear the burdens of meeting the need to house and feed these people." Hans Volle, Director of Human Resources for Deutsche Tech, complained that "Chancellor Merkel's aspirations are unreasonable. Hardly any of these refugees understand our language, a majority of them...
  • So sick of Santa and his Arrogant Shaming Tactic

    09/18/2016 1:59:28 PM PDT · by Vendome · 15 replies
    Vanity | 09/18/2016 | Vendome
    Ran across the pic posted below and couldn't stop laughing.
  • Police Union Endorses Trump [semi-satire]

    09/18/2016 11:39:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Following a meeting of the group's national board where two-thirds voted to support GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump, the largest police union—Fraternal Order of Police—announced its endorsement. Chuck Canterbury, the FOP's national president, called the choice "an easy decision. The contrast between the candidates is as stark as any we've ever seen. Trump is for law and order. He supports civilized behavior and public safety. Mrs. Clinton appears to have sided with the enemies of these values." In contrast to Trump's avid courting of the police union, Hillary Clinton disdained "to stoop so low as to try to curry favor...
  • Democrat VP Candidate Says “Denouncing KKK Is Not Enough” [semi-satire]

    09/17/2016 3:57:03 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Democratic vice-presidential candidate Tim Kaine insists that Trump's multiple denunciations of the Ku Klux Klan and its former leader David Duke "are not enough. Neither Trump nor Pence will use the word 'deplorable' in their efforts to evade being pinned down on this issue." CNN's Wolf Blitzer was similarly adamant about the GOP candidates' refusal to use the word "deplorable" as he badgered Pence in an interview. "Why not say deplorable?" Blitzer demanded to know, rejecting Pence's determination not to engage in name calling. "We hear the Republicans saying they don't want the support of Duke and the Klan, yet...
  • Trump Backs Off Claim Obama Wasn’t Born in the US [semi-satire]

    09/17/2016 10:16:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    This week GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump backed away from his previous questioning of President Obama’s birthplace. His announcement was greeted by an outpouring of venom from assorted Democratic sources. A bevy of members of the Congressional Black Caucus took turns denouncing Trump as a racist. Rival presidential contender Hillary Clinton asserted that “this proves the man is racist to the core. Anyone who would smear America’s first black president with an insinuation that he was not born in this country is unfit for office.” The sincerity of the outrage has to be dubious since both Obama and Clinton played...
  • Hillary Campaign Caught Stealing from Donors [semi-satire]

    09/17/2016 12:58:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Some supporters of Hillary Clinton are coming to rue giving out their credit card data to the campaign. It seems that individuals who thought they were agreeing to one-time charges are discovering repeated levies on their accounts in their monthly statements. Upon inspecting her recent Visa Card statements, Carol Mahre found multiple charges amounting to $94. "On the phone they asked me to give $25, which I said was okay," Mahre recounted. "But when I looked at my bill there were three deductions of $25 and one for $19." Campaign manager Robby Mook attributed the unauthorized charges to "simple human...
  • Mexico To Build The Wall (Satire)

    09/15/2016 4:56:56 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    9/15/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    Today the President of Mexico, Penis Nieto, stated that Mexico would build a wall ... not one, but two and they would pay for them validating Trump and punking Vicente Fox the has been former President of Mexico. One wall would be built on the Southern border to keep out the hordes of illegal immigrants from Ecuador, Honduras, Costa Rica, and other Southern 3rd world countries. Nieto described the influx like a plague of locusts economically devouring everything in their path. The second wall would be built on the Northern border to stem the tide of the projected million US...
  • Alt-Right Breitbart Punks 60 Minutes (Satire)

    09/13/2016 3:16:25 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    9/14/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    The Alt-Right Breitbart media today punked 60 Minutes, the self-acclaimed king of investigative reporting, by reporting the details of the Administration's 1.2 billion dollar payoff to Iran. Taunting Scott Pelley and Charlie Rose, Breitbart released the details of the investigation of the shady and illegal transfer of 1.2 billion dollars to Iran. Intrepid Breitbart reporters discovered that HSBC, the first choice laundromat of money laundering for cartels, foundations, etc., was used by the US Treasury to launder the money. Although Iran was alleged to not have a bank account, an Iranian account was miraculously discovered at Wells Fargo into which...
  • Dem Adviser Minimizes Risk of Vote Fraud [semi-satire]

    09/12/2016 10:28:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Democratic operative James Carville sought to reassure Americans that the scope of any potential election fraud is too small to be concerned about. "It has been my experience that the maximum number of fraudulent votes from any one voting machine is around 100," Carville said. "I know of no presidential election that has ever been decided by 100 votes one way or the other. It would take an army of hackers to rig enough machines to reach a decisive impact on the outcome. And I just can't imagine that anyone would be willing to go to such lengths to steal...
  • New ISIS Commander Was Trained by US [semi-satire]

    09/11/2016 11:36:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    It turns out that Gulmurod Khalimov, the new ISIS military commander, was one of the “moderate” terrorists who received training from the US State Department. From 2003-2014 Khalimov participated in five counter-terrorism training courses in the United States and in Tajikistan, through the Department of State’s Diplomatic Security/Anti-Terrorism Assistance program. Department spokeswoman Pooja Jhunjhunwala insisted that Khalimov had “been properly vetted.” The thoroughness of this so-called vetting was called into question by the revelation that he had appeared in a video in which he called Americans pigs and boasted “we will find your towns, we will come to your homes,...
  • Bill Clinton Calls “Make America Great Again” a Racist Message [semi-satire]

    09/11/2016 12:25:09 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Former President Bill Clinton made an effort to stir opposition to Donald Trump’s promise to “make America great again” by claiming its intent is “racist. These are code words understood by all white people as a pledge to put blacks down.” “The main targets of Donald Trump’s vow to bring law and order to our inner cities are black youths,” Clinton asserted. “Look at what he’s saying about black gangs killing each other in Chicago. Clearly, these are the people who will be suppressed by Trump’s knee-jerk support for law enforcement.” “What is his promise to bring jobs back to...
  • Deplorable Election Day

    09/10/2016 11:33:10 AM PDT · by antidisestablishment · 12 replies
    9/10/16 | self
    But if it be a sin to covet honor, I am the most offending soul alive. No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from America: Rather proclaim it, Ryan, through my host, That he which hath no stomach to this fight, Let him depart; his passport shall be made And filthy dollars for convoy put into his purse: We would not die in that man's company That fears his fellowship to die with us. This day is called the Election: He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named, And...
  • Chelsea Can't Fathom Why People Think Her Mom is Untrustworthy [semi-satire]

    09/10/2016 10:50:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton's daughter went on ABC's The View talk show to express her dismay at polls showing that a huge majority of Americans consider her mother untrustworthy. "I realize that some of the things coming out from the emails she tried to conceal are raising questions, but I know my mother and I'm certain that if anything thing she did was wrong in some technical sense that she did it for a good reason," Chelsea explained. "What a lot of people don't understand is that her job as the nation's top diplomat often required her to deliberately...
  • Mentioning Hacked DNC Emails Called "Unfair" [semi-satire]

    09/10/2016 1:50:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called GOP mention of the content of the Democratic National Committee's emails hacked and published by Wikileaks "unfair. It's like a football team purloining a copy of the other team's playbook and using that to win a game. It's cheating. It's dishonest." Pelosi brushed aside email content revealing that the DNC cheated by rigging their primaries against Hillary Clinton's main rival for the nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-Vt), saying "since when do two wrongs make a right? We are calling on the GOP to turn aside from a tit-for-tat. Attempting to get even by...
  • Voters Will Have to Elect Hillary to See a Press Conference [semi-satire]

    09/07/2016 10:50:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Striving to snag the curious vote, Clinton's lead press secretary, Brian Fallon, urged "those who are so eager to see Hillary give a press conference can elect her president. Presidents always have press conferences. As the head of government she'll have a lot to say to the press." Fallon justified the campaign's dearth of media interaction as "just building up the suspense and anticipation. I hear that there is some speculation that the multiple questions and flashing cameras will spark a seizure. Well, the only way to find out is to get her into office and see." if you missed...
  • IRS Identifies ID Theft, Does Nothing [semi-satire]

    09/06/2016 9:25:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    The Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration (TIGTA) issued a report this week indicating that the IRS had discovered more than a million cases of identity theft but failed to notify any of the victims. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen defended the lack of effort to inform the taxpayers whose identities were stolen as "not the agency's job. Look, in the vast majority of these thefts the stolen IDs are merely being used by undocumented residents to obtain employment. There is no negative impact on the government. If a person's ID is stolen and someone else uses it to get a...
  • Kerry Says Media Blowing Terrorism Out of Proportion [semi-satire]

    09/05/2016 10:10:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    This week, US Secretary of State John Kerry took the media to task for exaggerating the threat of terrorism. "I can't open a newspaper or turn on the TV without having to see some story about suicide bombers or Allahu akbar murderers shooting up a shopping mall," Kerry complained. "Its so repetitive it's tiresome." "It's not as if we're talking about an existential threat to the United States," Kerry contended. "The number of people killed in these attacks is relatively small. Most, I would assume, are covered by insurance as are the businesses damaged by the explosions. Life goes on....
  • Satire: Obama Ratifies Treaty on Sharia Law

    09/04/2016 11:58:31 AM PDT · by DanMiller · 6 replies
    Dan Miller's Blog ^ | September 4, 2016 | Dan Miller
    Having personally ratified the Iran Scam Treaty and the Climate Change Treaty with China, President Obama today met with Turkish, Saudi and Iranian heads of state to ratify a new treaty making Sharia Law binding in the United States. Please see also, The West Needs Sharia Law – Pakistani cleric. Obama, a renowned constitutional scholar, quickly rejected objections by Senate leaders that "He shouldn't oughta do that because it's our job" by reminding them that He is the President and is therefore empowered by the Constitution to do whatever pleases Him.Here is the text of President Obama's statement on ratification of the Sharia Law Treaty, provided...
  • Hillary Vows Tough Stance Against Cyberattacks [semi-satire]

    09/04/2016 10:21:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Calling cyberattacks (hacking into computers) “just as bad and just as much of a threat to this nation as the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor,” Democratic presidential candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that she “would respond just as forcefully as President Roosevelt did 75 years ago.” Clinton told the largely VFW audience in Ohio that “I can attest from personal experience that having your email hacked can be devastating. The recent hacks of my emails published by Wikileaks have aided forces hostile to the continuation of the policies put in place by President Obama. By damaging my...
  • Democrat VP Candidate Lashes Out at Trump & Media [semi-satire]

    09/03/2016 7:41:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    Hillary Clinton's running mate Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va) took offense at GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's "exploitation of tragedy" in his argument against sanctuary cities. In sanctuary cities, government officials have ordered police to ignore federal law against illegal immigration. Some of the illegal immigrants protected by sanctuary cities have gone on the kill Americans. In remarks given at a rally in Arizona this week Trump invited parents of children killed by illegal immigrants to speak to the crowd. Kaine labeled Trump's inclusion of these grieving parents "political pandering at its worst. Using surviving family members to argue against the...
  • FBI Admits Suspected Brain Damage Was Factor in "No Indictment" Decision [semi-satire]

    09/02/2016 7:19:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Sep 2016 | John Semmens
    It was revealed this week that suspected brain damage was a key factor in FBI Director James Comey's decision to recommend against indicting former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for her serial lawbreaking and security breaches regarding her emails. "In the interview with our agents the former Secretary came across as a person of seriously diminished mental capacity," FBI spokesman William Dodge explained. "She couldn't recall ever having been briefed on security matters—despite being shown her signature on a document affirming she had. She professed not to know that the letter 'C' on emails meant 'confidential. She couldn't remember who...
  • State Department Warns Americans to Avoid Traveling [semi-satire]

    08/30/2016 9:21:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    The State Department issued a warning to US citizens advising them to avoid foreign travel for the "foreseeable future." The warning was sparked by what the Department characterized as "an unfortunate misunderstanding of a recent multi-million dollar payment to Iran." "We thought we were paying off an amount due Iran from the cancellation of the Shah's 1979 purchase of jet fighters," explained Payton Moore, Undersecretary for Islamic Relations. "The government of Iran thought we were paying ransom for four Americans they were holding prisoner until a plane delivering the $400 million in cash arrived in their country. Now the Iranian...
  • Hillary Hammers Trump's Pitch to Black Voters [semi-satire]

    08/29/2016 8:52:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's bid to woo black votes by persuading them that Democratic policies have ruined their lives was denounced by rival candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a major policy speech she gave in Reno, Nevada this week. "Democrats and blacks have been together for a long time," Clinton told a crowd that easily surpassed double digits. "It's kind of like we have a 'common law marriage.' It's outrageous for an outsider like Trump to try to alienate our mutual affections. Sure there have been some rough patches. Every marriage has rough patches. Bill and...
  • NY Times Reporter Slams Hannity for “Unethical” Behavior [semi-satire]

    08/28/2016 10:01:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    New York Times reporter Jeremy Peters slammed radio talk show host Sean Hannity’s “unethical behavior” regarding how he is covering the current presidential candidates. “Every profession has its norms and boundaries for assessing the way its members should handle their trade,” Peters proclaimed. “Journalists have an ethical obligation to live up to these norms and respect these boundaries. It has been agreed by the majority within our profession that it is our journalistic duty to do whatever we can to prevent Donald Trump from becoming president. Hannity has flouted this agreement by urging voters to do the exact opposite of...
  • Clinton Foundation Called "Economic Dynamo" [semi-satire]

    08/27/2016 10:18:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    Revelations that the Hillary Clinton-led US State Department granted favors to governments, corporations, and individuals that made donations to the Clinton Foundation have stirred concerns that a Clinton presidency might be tainted by corruption. Foundation president Donna Shalala urged that "we take a more balanced look at the totality of the situation." "On the surface, the proximity of the donations and actions taken by Secretary Clinton does appear suspicious," Shalala admitted. "However, Hillary has repeatedly said that all the actions she took would have been taken regardless of any donations that were made to the Foundation. Clearly donors weren't buying...
  • More Clinton Email Questions [semi-satire]

    08/27/2016 1:29:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    The latest 14,900 emails recovered by the FBI came from the 33,000 that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton deleted on the grounds that they were personal rather than work-related. Oddly, one of the topics discussed in many of them was Benghazi, which would seem to be "work-related" and as such legally required to be preserved and archived. Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook urged that "we not jump to hasty conclusions. If you will recall, Secretary Clinton admitted she authored many emails dealing with planning her daughter's wedding. While we all know about the attack on Ambassador Stevens that...
  • Rapist Not Necessarily a Bad Guy [semi-satire]

    08/23/2016 8:34:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    Writing for Wonkette, Rebecca Schoenkopf expressed her opinion that Bill Clinton probably did rape Juanita Broaddrick back in 1978, but that this doesn't necessarily make him an "evil person." "Let's look at the facts of that particular case," Schoenkopf argued. "First, Bill showed he cared by advising Juanita to put some ice on her lip that he bit. Second, he called her later to apologize. This is a level of concern that most rapists don't show. Third, while there has been a string of alleged improprieties involving indecent exposure, molestation, and sexual indiscretions since then there haven't been anymore rapes."...
  • New Email Scandal Excuses Tested [semi-satire]

    08/22/2016 12:00:32 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    Faced with the difficulty of persuading a skeptical public that the "extraordinarily careless" characterization of her email practices by FBI Director James Comey is significantly different from the legally culpable "gross negligence" standard, the Clinton campaign is field testing a couple of new excuses. First out of the block was the disclosure that neither Secretary Clinton nor any of her many aides (including Cheryl Mills, Huma Abedin, Jake Sullivan, Dennis Cheng, Anne Marie Slaughter, Phillippe Reines, Caitlin Klevorick, and Kris Bladerston) embroiled in the scandal completed the mandatory ethics training required for federal employees. Clinton Campaign Manager Robbie Mook pointed...
  • Obama to apologize for USA Olympic victories (a satire)

    08/21/2016 4:58:27 PM PDT · by Lera · 5 replies
    Arutz Sheva ^ | 8/21/16 | Jack Engelhard
    Every satire has a ring of truth... If not for Jamaican Usain Bolt, the United States would've walked home with every gold medal that wasn't nailed down in Rio. USA doubled the score against the rest of the world in nearly every event save for ping-pong. Isn't that great, Mr. President? We've trounced them fair and square. USA doubled the score against the rest of the world in nearly every event save for ping-pong (and that's not satire). "Micro aggression is the term we use in Liberal circles. Now I have no choice except to beg the world to forgive...
  • Did Elevation Church Get a Water Slide Baptismal?

    08/21/2016 10:55:46 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 9 replies
    Charisma News ^ | 8/8/2016 | Jessilyn Justice
    Despite rampant social media rumors, Steven Furtick's Elevation Church did not get a water slide baptismal. The report stems from a post on the Christian satire site The Babylon Bee. Pastor Steven Furtick took the stage under a single spotlight, and after some coy banter, he reportedly announced that it was "Baptism Sunday," but that this was "not your Mama's Baptism Sunday." At this cue, a giant water slide, stretching from the balcony down to a small pool of water, was unveiled from behind a large curtain as the worship band began performing TLC's 1994 hit "Waterfalls."  The Babylon Bee claims to be "Your...
  • CAIR Criticizes Trump’s “Extreme Vetting” Proposal [semi-satire]

    08/21/2016 10:41:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    The Council on American–Islamic Relations (CAIR) sharply criticized GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s promise to exercise “extreme vetting” of immigrants from terror-plagued regions of the world, calling it “unconstitutional.” CAIR spokesman Iman Aswad declared that “Trump’s vetting would interfere with the free exercise of our religion. Islam is not like Christianity or Judaism. Our faithful are bound to fight against unbelievers. Trump’s idea that the government can screen out those who are committed to this fight discriminates against one, and only one religion: Islam. As such it is unconstitutional under American law.” “It is also impermissible under sharia law,” Aswad...
  • Trump's Pitch to Black Americans Called Flawed [semi-satire]

    08/20/2016 7:00:56 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's bid for Black votes was labeled "flawed" by his critics. In a speech in Wisconsin this week Trump maintained that Democratic policies have worsened the plight of minorities. This view was assailed by Democrats and their media supporters. "Trump's contention that minorities are the foremost victims of the breakdown in law and order doesn't excuse his failure to reach out to the Black Lives Matter group," contended CNN talking head Carol Costello. "By refusing to bring BLM inside the tent he leaves them no option but to burn down neighborhoods, beat white folks, and agitate...
  • Trump Visit to Louisiana Disaster Area Panned by Dems [semi-satire]

    08/19/2016 5:07:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's visit to flood ravaged areas of Louisiana was panned by Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest as "a virtual usurpation of President Obama's prerogative. Everyone knows that it is the President's right to visit and comfort the afflicted. That a non-office holder like Trump would ignore this right demonstrates a dangerous overreach." Earnest contrasted Trump's unauthorized visit with President Obama's 2012 visit to hurricane damaged New Jersey, which he characterized as "in line with the accepted protocols of such events. As we saw then, Republican Governor Christie welcomed the President's attention. In Louisiana, though, Governor Edwards...
  • There is no reason for Hillary to continue campaigning. "We've won, look at the polls" (Satire)

    08/16/2016 1:34:10 PM PDT · by GeorgiaDawg32 · 45 replies
    Liberal Lunacy ^ | 8/16/2016 | Liberal Lunacy Staff/REM
    An anonymous staffer with the DNC issued this statement today: "We have looked at the data and have determined the race is already over. Hillary Clinton has an insurmountable lead and will win the Presidency in landslide fashion". "We therefore see no reason to continue campaigning, giving Hillary a lot of time to rest and prepare for her 2 terms as President of the United States. Her relentless campaigning up until now has proved fruitful. Let Trump have his rallies with thousands of people. We don't care. We will win. Trump is the Republican version of Bernie Sanders. He can...
  • Muslims Test Intimidation Tactic [semi-satire]

    08/16/2016 10:40:52 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 August 2016 | John Semmens
    Parishioners of St. Andrew Orthodox Church in Riverside California have been treated to shouts of "Allahu Akbar" from bullhorn wielding Muslims during weekly services. Inasmuch as Allahu Akbar is what Islamic fanatics shout while murdering unbelievers, the church goers are understandably concerned. Father Josiah Trenham called the shouted slogan "intimidating. We're trying to hold weekly services. The noise is disruptive and one fears worse. Will it be safe to leave church after the service? Will men with guns or bombs invade the church? What can we do to safely practice our faith." Local police officer Ryan Railsback held out little...
  • Surge in Guns Alarms Democrats [semi-satire]

    08/15/2016 9:46:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 August 2016 | John Semmens
    The number of Americans with concealed carry gun permits has surged by more than 200% since Obama became president. There are now more than 14 million authorized to carry concealed firearms. Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) called this trend "frightening in the extreme. We ought to be reducing the number of people carrying weapons, not increasing them. Reversing this trend has got to be a focal point for Democrats in this election cycle. Ideally, only police ought to be carrying firearms. Making sure the right person is elected president will be crucial to achieving this goal." The notion that an increase...
  • More Top Democrats’ Emails Hacked [semi-satire]

    08/14/2016 10:00:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 August 2016 | John Semmens
    The recent release of emails hacked from the Democratic National Committee may be only the tip of an ice berg of embarrassing revelations of secrets Party big shots wish would have stayed hidden. The FBI estimates that the email accounts of more than 100 top Party officials may have been compromised. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called the breach “as dangerous a threat to America as the Watergate scandal. The privacy of the leaders of the Democratic Party has been severely damaged.” Earlier disclosures from the DNC hack showed unseemly behavior by officials to rig the primary election in...
  • [Satire] McCain Assails Trump's Crediting Obama & Clinton for Rise of ISIS

    08/12/2016 5:03:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 August 2016 | John Semmens
    Arizona Senator John McCain (R) took issue with GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump's statement that President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were co-founders of ISIS. "President Obama may have given the final decision to back these guys based on Secretary Clinton's recommendation, but I was the one on the ground in Syria who met with them before they were big," McCain pointed out. "Were it not for my preliminary work the later steps taken by Obama and Clinton wouldn't have been possible. So, I think it's only fair that I receive some recognition for the historic rise of...
  • EEOC Orders Employers to Crack Down on "Anti-Social" Political Views [semi-satire]

    08/08/2016 12:56:15 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has ordered employers to crack down on employees daring to wear t-shirts or caps with the "Don't Tread on Me" slogan. The slogan traces back to the American Revolution. "What may have been appropriate as an expression of resistance against British subjugation in 1776 is completely inappropriate today," claims EEOC Chairwoman Jenny Yang. "Our government is a democratically elected government. It is not treading on anyone. From time to time our government may have to guide people toward correct thought and behavior. There is no individual right of resistance against this guidance. There is no...
  • Hillary Latches onto Winning Issues [semi-satire]

    08/08/2016 11:24:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid to boost her post-convention momentum, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton latched onto two ideas her campaign believes will finally put her over the top. One idea is to appoint outgoing President Obama to the first Supreme Court vacancy available. "One of the things that has got to be depressing a lot of Americans is the prospect of losing the talents of the most extraordinary man to have ever held the presidency," Hillary observed. "While term limits may force him out of his current position the nation could retain his services for decades if we can get him...
  • CHRISTIAN TIMES NEWSPAPER BREAKING: Hillary has tongue cancer, doctor admits

    08/07/2016 11:34:17 PM PDT · by Secret Agent Man · 85 replies
    CHRISTIAN TIMES NEWSPAPER ^ | 8/1/2016 | ADMIN1
    After last week’s Democratic National Convention, new rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton’s health may not be exactly as she claims. New pictures suggest that the Democratic presidential nominee may have symptoms of Oropharyngeal cancer, and a world-class oncologist has agreed
  • Completion of I-22 could trigger apocalypse

    08/07/2016 11:10:27 AM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 22 replies
    AL.com ^ | April 19-20, 2016 | Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich
    Just as construction crews were putting the finishing touches on Interstate 22 this week, rumors began to circulate that the road's completion may set off a chain of events that could destroy humanity and bring civilization to it's knees. According to a Wikipedia article created last night, Interstate 22, formerly known as "Corridor X" and "Ye Olden Highway," is considered to be North America's very first construction project. Native American documents dating back to 800 AD show plans to clear a path from Memphis to Birmingham, giving Midwestern tribes of 19-22 year-olds the quickest route to destroying Alabama's pristine beaches...
  • Feds May Take Control of Elections [semi-satire]

    08/07/2016 10:49:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    In response to GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s concerns that the November elections may be rigged, President Obama moved to assert an unprecedented federal role in the voting process. At the president’s direction, Homeland Security Jeh Johnson would be tasked with ensuring that “the process is protected from unwanted manipulation by unauthorized elements.” “A tainted election process would undermine faith in the legitimacy of the outcome,” Johnson pointed out. “It would be a threat more severe than a terrorist attack. I have been granted a wide latitude from President Obama to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure a valid...
  • Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans

    08/07/2016 9:10:36 AM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 48 replies
    Anonymous Mags ^ | August 7, 2016 | Anonymous Mags
    Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study report. The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them. “These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have...