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Keyword: satire

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  • Aides Forced To Cut Mitch McConnell Out Of Six-Pack Of Plastic Rings Again

    10/29/2020 7:33:57 PM PDT · by Forgiven_Sinner · 24 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 10/28/2020 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—While taking a short recess after confirming his 1,274th judge of the morning, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell found himself ensnared in plastic rings discarded from a six-pack of soda. "Shhh, little guy, it's OK -- we're just trying to help," whispered an aide as she tried to cut McConnell out of the trash from a six-pack of soda. The frightened senator tried to withdraw his head into his suit jacket, but it just got stuck even worse. He panicked and flipped on his back, where he was completely helpless and immobile. Finally, aides were able to free him,...
  • San Francisco Loses Another Walgreens [semi-satire]

    10/29/2020 10:13:39 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    The Walgreens at Van Ness and Eddy in San Francisco will close November 11. This will be the seventh Walgreens to go out of business in the city since the state decriminalized shoplifting. Walgreens spokesman Phil Caruso says "the shoplifting is so frequent and brazen that we can't keep the shelves stocked for paying customers. There are a lot of elderly in the neighborhood who have relied on this particular store for their meds and other heath products. But thieves have driven the cost of doing business too high for us to be able to survive in this location." Mayor...
  • Omar Dodges Debate [semi-satire]

    10/28/2020 10:38:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    Lacy Johnson, the Republican challenger to Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), complains that "Rep. Omar has been dodging all of my requests to engage in a debate to help voters view both candidates answering questions about the policies they support and how they will affect Minnesotans. She is one of only two holdouts among the state's eight-member congressional delegation—both of them Democrats—who have refused to participate in a debate." Omar brushed off Johnson's complaint, calling it "the mewling whining of a loser. The fact is that our campaign has discovered that debates are an inefficient method for interacting with voters. We...
  • Clapper Makes a Fool of Himself [semi-satire]

    10/27/2020 10:36:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    Former Obama Administration Director of National Intelligence (DNI) James Clapper and 50 other former intelligence officials have signed a letter asserting that the disclosure of the emails and videos on Hunter Biden's abandoned laptop is "Russian disinformation." "The fact that these emails and such have been verified to have been authored or received by Hunter Biden doesn't change my opinion," Clapper asserted. "After all, Hillary Clinton's emails were real, but we all concluded that the Russians were involved in making them public. They could just as easily be orchestrating the events leading up to the laptop being discovered and its...
  • Schumer Threatens FBI [semi-satire]

    10/26/2020 1:18:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    In a bid to ensure that the FBI continues to cover up the Biden scandal, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) warned Director Christopher Wray "to resist the temptation to take the case too seriously. Your Agency has been loyally sitting on Hunter Biden's laptop since last December. We appreciate that. Now this Bobulinski character has turned over cell phones he says he used to communicate with the Biden family and that these phones will verify his testimony contradicting Vice-President Biden's profession of ignorance and non-involvement in his son's business activities. We are at a critical juncture in this year's...
  • Whitmer Imitates Gangster [semi-satire]

    10/25/2020 2:52:57 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    There is a scene in many gangster movies where a mobster threatens an honest citizen in order to extract a payment. This week in an interview with Chuck Todd on "Meet the Press," Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) threatened her state's voters, saying "If you're tired of lockdowns, or you're tired of wearing masks, or you wish you were in church this morning or watching college football or your kids were getting in-person instruction, it is time for change in this country, and that's why we've got to elect Joe Biden." "I know some people will consider my proposition unpleasant and...
  • California to Crackdown on Thanksgiving Celebrants {semi-satire]

    10/25/2020 11:15:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    Concerned that the fading severity of COVID might lead residents to disregard common sense safety procedures, Gov. Gavin Newsom has announced strict new rules for Thanksgiving Day celebrations. "Ideally, people should stay away from each other until COVID is no longer among us," Newsom said. "Individuals dining alone at home would be optimal. However, I am not without mercy. Families and friends may gather for Thanksgiving Day provided the following rules are observed. First, no more than three different households may gather in any one place. Second, gatherings are limited to a maximum of two hours. Third, all gatherings are...
  • NPR Says Reporting Biden Corruption ‘Waste of Time’ [semi-satire]

    10/24/2020 3:19:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    Recent revelations indicating a long-running influence peddling operation involving Biden family members—including the former Vice-President—would strike most people as being newsworthy. However, most of the mainstream media have been avoiding the topic. However, taxpayer-funded National Public Radio (NPR) has gone even further down the road of denial by declaring it a “waste of time.” Kelly McBride, NPR’s public editor, explained that “unlike commercial media we’re not in this business for the money. As a publicly-funded operation it is our duty to protect the listening audience from hearing unworthy stories. Trump supporters are touting the actions taken by Hunter Biden and...
  • Biden Nails Trump on Fracking Issue [semi-satire]

    10/24/2020 10:18:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    In Thursday's debate President Trump accused Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden of threatening to ban fracking. Eager to demonstrate that he is not the demented shell of a man that some have feared, Biden referred to the IPOD concealed beneath his yellow note pad, read the words sent by his staff, and flatly denied that he said any such thing and dared Trump to "show the video." Trump promised to post the video on his campaign web page after the debate. Encouraged by this tepid rebuttal, Biden proceeded to clarify his position on fracking by pointing out "it is my...
  • Biden Regrets Supporting Muting Microphones [semi-satire]

    10/24/2020 1:48:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 October 2020 | John Semmens
    Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden expressed his regret that "the muting of the microphones at the debate didn't go as I thought it would. Before the debate I thought it was a good idea. Giving the moderator the opportunity to cut off my mic when I started to wander off topic could save me from embarrassing myself. It was only later that I realized that Kristen wasn't doing this. She was focused on muting Trump's mic. This saved him from making a fool of himself, but left me dangling in the wind." "My people are now telling me that I...
  • Amazing: This Mind-Reader Can Instantly Guess People's Pronouns With 99.9% Accuracy

    10/21/2020 5:26:57 PM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 31 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | October 21, 2019 | The Babylon Bee
    What’s the first thing you do when meeting someone new? Exchange pronouns, of course, to make sure you refer to each other accurately. But what if you didn’t have to do that? Meet Earl Thornton. He has this amazing ability to guess people’s pronouns instantly -- just by looking at them. And he’s almost never wrong. “I don’t know, it just feels like I’ve always been able to do this,” said Thornton, who is very humble about his nearly supernatural ability. “I just look at somebody, and then before I can even think, I have their pronouns in my head.”
  • Town Hall Disaster As Trump Responds To Every Question With Passionate Kiss

    10/21/2020 5:17:40 PM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 3 replies
    The Babylone Bee ^ | October 16, 2020 | The Babylon Bee
    MIAMI, FL—Many in the media are calling the Trump town hall Thursday a "super spreader" event. They are saying this because they are hacks who hate everything the president does, and also because he made out with every audience member. Every time he was asked a question, Trump stood up, walked over to the undecided voter, and gave him a long, passionate kiss. "I love America, and I love you," Trump said in response to a question one voter asked about his pandemic response. "Come over here, you big lovebug. Muah! That's it. Right on the ol' smackers! Give Daddy...
  • Biden Suggests Stopping Criminals By Making Them Slip On Banana Peels

    10/21/2020 5:04:36 PM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 14 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | October 16, 2020 | The Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden made a novel suggestion for cops and people who want to defend themselves against violent criminals: making them slip on a banana peel. "Look, Jack, if a criminal is running toward you, you don't have to shoot them," Biden said at last night's town hall on ABC. "All you have to do is pull out your trusty banana peel, throw it on the ground, and they'll slip. It's safe, humane, and hilarious." "Back in my day, cops didn't even have guns. They just dropped anvils on bad guys, littered rakes around them so they'd get smacked in...
  • The ONE SIMPLE TRICK that Will GUARANTEE a Trump Victory in November!

    10/21/2020 1:21:34 PM PDT · by Starman417 · 33 replies
    Flopping Aces ^ | 10-21-20 | Brother Bob
    OK, I know that was a Buzzfeed-worthy clickbait headline, but I'm only half kidding. After years of The Radical Left hating various folks on the right from Dubya to Limbaugh, declaring even squishes like McCain and Romney to be "literally Hitler", they have found their ultimate Emmanuel Goldstein in President Trump. Anything that Trump says or does, no matter how many Leftists should like, sends them into a fit of rage. For example, launching a global effort to end the criminalization of homosexuality should get nothing but cheers from Leftists, right? Wrong. Stating that he is president of America and...
  • Why Twitter Censored the NY Post Article on Biden

    10/20/2020 4:07:25 PM PDT · by ShadowAce · 23 replies
    Youtube ^ | 20 October 2020 | AwakenWithJP
    Here are the reasons why Twitter censored the NY Post article about Hunter Biden's computer. All the emails, texts, and photos that incriminate Joe Biden deserve to be censored. Here's why, directly from Twitter.
  • Check Out These Eight Beautiful Travel Posters For America's Democrat-Controlled Cities

    10/20/2020 2:43:43 PM PDT · by Forgiven_Sinner · 34 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | October 19th, 2020 | Babylon Bee
    U.S.—With people leaving Democrat cities in droves, mayors and city councils are hoping to fill them back up again -- with tourists! Maybe it's time to give these cities a second chance. Check out these beautiful tourism posters from Democrat-controlled cities around the country! Portland Admire where the pedestals where the statues used to be.
  • Dem Activist Redefines "Morally Acceptable Actions" [semi-satire]

    10/20/2020 10:02:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2020 | John Semmens
    In contrast to the reactions expressed by most of the villains exposed by Project Veritas, Kristopher Jacks, a member of the executive committee of the Colorado Democratic Party, stood by his assertion that "I am going to do everything morally acceptable to win. I will lie. I will cheat. I will steal. Because that's morally acceptable in this political environment." Jacks defended intentional dishonesty by contending that "the right wing has a monopoly right now on strong, violent rhetoric, but we, like Lenin and Mao did, have an army of activists ready to take to the streets and topple the...
  • California GOP Given "Cease and Desist" Order [semi-satire]

    10/19/2020 1:25:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2020 | John Semmens
    California Secretary of State Alex Padilla (D) issued a "cease and desist" order to the Republican Party citing their "unauthorized attempt to engage in ballot harvesting." Republicans have established "ballot drop-off boxes at various locations around the state to make it easier for busy voters to ensure that their votes will be delivered to the polls for them," said Hector Barajas, a spokesman for the California GOP. "Hector may think he's being cute, but as he and the rest of his gang of miscreants well know, we have awarded an exclusive $35 million contract to have all ballot harvesting be...
  • Biden Renounces Support of Happy Americans [semi-satire]

    10/19/2020 10:35:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2020 | John Semmens
    Apprised of Gallup poll results showing that 56% of voters say they are better off than they were during the Obama Administration's last year, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden advised these people "not to vote for me. Such a belief is a warning sign of mental deficiency. These people shouldn't be voting. They'll just muck up the results." "I know polls show that only a third of Americans rated the economy as good or excellent during the Obama years and that nearly two-thirds said this about the Trump years, but to me the Obama years were great years," Biden insisted....
  • Kelly Campaign Spokesman Apologizes [semi-satire]

    10/18/2020 11:46:33 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2020 | John Semmens
    T.J. L’Heureux, Arizona Democratic Senate candidate Mark Kelly’s deputy press secretary, called police “worthless f–ing pigs” in a tweet posting. This week, under pressure from the campaign, he apologized saying “I deeply regret my comment and apologize for what I wrote. My comment does not reflect who I am or what I believe. I have deleted the tweet.” Afterward L’Heureux lamented what he called “the disturbing trend in our society that forces a person to have to apologize for his personal opinions. It’s not as if I was tweeting something that any loyal Democrat would disagree with, but the climate...