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Keyword: satire

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  • Dems & Pubs Battle Over Food Stamps [semi-satire]

    02/18/2018 10:55:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    In a proposal dubbed “America’s Harvest Box,” President Trump’s new budget calls for replacing half of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) vouchers with actual food for 80% of the program’s recipients. The “box” would contain allotments of shelf-stable milk, ready to eat cereals, pasta, peanut butter, beans and canned fruit and vegetables. Democrats were quick to attack the plan. Michigan Sen Debbie Stabenow, the ranking Democrat on the agriculture committee, labeled it “not a serious proposal.” Rep Jim McGovern (D-Mass) called it “a cruel joke. It unfairly limits the choices of those dependent on the government for their living....
  • FBI Whiffs on School Shooting [semi-satire]

    02/17/2018 1:15:37 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, Nikolas Cruz killed 17 and wounded another 13 in an assault on the students and faculty of Marjory Stoneman High School in Parkland, Florida. By law, the school is a designated “gun free zone.” This ensured that Cruz would be able to fire at will until off-site police arrived, which they did within five minutes of being called. By that time the 19-year-old Cruz had ditched his weapon and blended in with the fleeing students. Cruz’s heinous plan was months in the making. Back on September 5, 2017 Cruz posted a YouTube boast “I’m going to be a...
  • Oprah Says She Won't Run for President [semi-satire]

    02/17/2018 9:32:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    Daytime TV personality Oprah Winfrey's assertion that she will not run for president in 2020 "because if God actually wanted me to run, wouldn't God kinda tell me? And I haven't heard that. I had a lot of wealthy men calling, telling me that they would run my campaign and raise $1 billion for me, but it's just not in my spirit." Joy Behar, a panelist on ABC's The View talk show, called Oprah's remarks "insane. It's the kind of thing we'd expect to come out of Vice-President Pence's mouth. What can she be thinking putting the imaginary words of...
  • Court Says Muslim Travel Ban Unconstitutional [semi-satire]

    02/17/2018 12:19:22 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    This week the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals voted 9-4 to overturn President Trump's anti-terrorist travel ban from eight countries on the grounds that "it violates the First Amendment's guarantee of religious freedom. The President's assumption that the Muslim call for jihad from its adherents empowers him to block the immigration of practitioners of this religion into this country is mistaken. The protection of the First Amendment is absolute. It allows no exception for religious practices that entail violence. To single out one religion merely because it commands the coercion or murder of unbelievers is, therefore, unconstitutional." Chief Judge...
  • California Dreaming [semi-satire]

    02/12/2018 1:00:54 PM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    The formerly bankrupt City of Stockton, California is planning to implement a basic universal income scheme that would pay out $6,000 per year to select low-income households. The scheme is the brainchild of Mayor Michael Tubbs who hopes “to demonstrate that providing people with money they may spend in anyway they choose will inspire imitation across the land. The first phase of the plan is to choose 100 families that will receive $500 per month for 18 months and see what happens.” Renowned economist Thomas Sowell criticized Tubbs’ idea contending that “if you give people something for nothing it will...
  • Urinating Illegal Stabs Man [semi-satire]

    02/11/2018 10:09:00 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    In Maryland, Salvador Gomez-Lopez, a native of El Salvador in the United States illegally will go on trial for stabbing a man waiting at a bus stop. The attack sprang from the victim’s objection to Gomez urinating in front of fellow bus passengers. Arresting police described Gomez as “drunk and belligerent.” In the US House of Representatives, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) gave an eight hour speech blaming Trump’s “anti-immigrant policies for this tragedy. The hostility of the President toward immigrants seeking a better life in America is the primary cause for this incident. If Mr. Gomez didn’t have to...
  • Dem Explains Why FBI Abuses Not Worse than Watergate [semi-satire]

    02/10/2018 10:00:39 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    With evidence piling up that the FBI abused the FISA court process to spy on the Trump campaign, comparison to the 1972 Nixon campaign's effort to spy on his Democratic opponent's campaign have been suggested. Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has labeled the comparison as "absurd." "Look, the Watergate operation was conducted by burglars," Schiff pointed out. "Those guys had no prior authorization to spy on Sen. McGovern's campaign. The FBI had the FISA court's permission to spy on the Trump campaign. For Republicans to try to compare the two events is totally unwarranted." Schiff similarly disposed of allegations that the...
  • Bush Convinced Russians Tried to Rig Election for Trump [semi-satire]

    02/10/2018 12:47:54 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    Despite the emergence of a pattern of improper actions by the FBI, the Obama Administration, and the Hillary Clinton campaign to spy on and smear Donald Trump, former President George W. Bush offered his opinion that "there is clear evidence of Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election to aid Trump." "For eight years I was the Decider-in-Chief of the United States of America," Bush boasted. "I have insights that few other human beings have when it comes to serious matters like statecraft, governance and strategery. I can easily pierce the veil of facts and get to the underlying true...
  • Republicans Plan To Pretend To Be Fiscally Conservative Again The Moment A Democrat Takes Office

    02/09/2018 6:52:32 PM PST · by fungoking · 6 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 2/9/18 | Staff
    During a budgetary discussion Friday, Republican lawmakers announced a plan to pretend to be fiscally conservative again if a Democrat takes office again in 2020 or 2024. The GOP said it would begin to decry deficit spending and the $20 trillion debt in order to win votes as soon as political power swung back to the opposing party. “The second a Democrat is back in the White House, we will once again start yelling about fiscal responsibility,” Speaker Paul Ryan said in an address to the House of Representatives Friday. “For now, we will continue to vote for unsustainable and...
  • Man Takes Advantage Of 3-Hour DMV Wait To Pen Blog Post Arguing For Government Healthcare-SATIRE

    02/08/2018 9:28:58 PM PST · by fungoking · 3 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 2/8/18 | Staff
    SANTA ANA, CA—When local man Ralph Dunkley found himself in the midst of a three-hour-long wait for a two-minute service at his local DMV office, he decided to redeem the time by pulling out his iPad and carefully pecking out a 5,000-word blog post arguing in favor of a government-run healthcare system in the U.S. “America is way behind the rest of the civilized world—we need universal healthcare and NOW,” Dunkley typed as dozens of people around him moaned in agony while waiting in their seemingly never-ending DMV purgatory. “The United States government has more than proven its capability of...
  • Southern Poverty Law Center Adds Itself To List Of Hate Groups-SATIRE

    02/07/2018 2:14:50 PM PST · by fungoking · 9 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 2/7/18 | Staff
    MONTGOMERY, AL—In an update Wednesday to its Hatewatch blog, the Southern Poverty Law Center announced the newest addition to its authoritative list of hate groups: the Southern Poverty Law Center. “We have identified an organization with a clear history of rank intolerance toward faith communities based solely upon their sincerely held religious convictions,” the statement reads. “This organization has encouraged ostracism and threats toward people, politicians, and businesses that do not adhere to its rigid progressive agenda. It has existed and operated right under our noses for years. It is known as the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC).” The statement...
  • Fidel Castro Jr. Commits Suicide, Trump Blamed [semi-satire]

    02/06/2018 9:19:05 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, the 68-year-old son of the late Cuban dictator Fidel Castro committed suicide. Though communism enabled his famous father to amass a billion dollar personal fortune, “Fidelito” was said by friends to have become depressed upon realizing “that Yankee bastard is right. My country is a sh*thole.” Long-time compadre, Vacio Cabeza professed himself “mystified. He wanted for nothing. We lived like kings. Admittedly, life is kind of tough for the average Cuban, but what does that matter to men like us? Why should we care what Trump said about Cuba?” Reminded that Trump did not explicitly include Cuba in...
  • Pelosi Explains “Crumbs” Statement [semi-satire]

    02/05/2018 9:53:34 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended her dismissal of the $1,000s in bonuses and tax cuts flowing to the middle class from the recently enacted Tax Cuts and Jobs Act as “crumbs.” Using herself as an example, Pelosi observed that “the pittances being received by members of the working classes are dwarfed by the hit I’m taking. By limiting the deductability of mortgage interest to only $10,000 on only an owner-occupied home, those of us who own multiple houses worth millions of dollars are losing far more than these commoners are gaining. My tax accountant tells me I’ll have...
  • Retiring Planned Parenthood CEO Gives Farewell Speech [semi-satire]

    02/04/2018 9:20:10 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    Retiring Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards urged abortion supporters to "fight back against the moralists who threaten women's freedom." She pointed to "a few bright spots we've seen in recent weeks that should encourage our faith in the ultimate victory of our cause." "First there was the virtually unanimous vote by House Democrats against requiring abortionists to render medical aid to infants who survive the procedure," Richards recounted. "This nonsensical Republican attempt to impose their own notion of what they call 'common human decency' would completely negate the purpose of the procedure. The mother came for the express purpose of...
  • MSNBC Lunatics Pan Trump’s State-of-the-Union Speech [semi-satire]

    02/03/2018 10:04:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    Despite polls showing that 70% of those who saw or heard President Trump’s State-of-the-Union speech approved of it, the media talking heads at MSNBC roundly panned it. Joy Reid, host of the weekend “news” show A.M. Joy, contended that “his praise of church, family, and the National Anthem are clearly outside the mainstream of the values shared by most of the country. We’ve moved on from these outdated and obsolete ideas. And his total failure to reach out to the LGBTQ community puts him at odds with the progressive aspirations laid out for America by President Obama.” Stene Schmidt, the...
  • Opinions Split on Memo Exposing FBI Abuses [semi-satire]

    02/02/2018 11:18:54 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Feb 2018 | John Semmens
    The release of the House Intelligence Committee memo summarizing FBI abuses of its surveillance authority sparked differing reactions across the political spectrum. The gist of the Agency's crime is that top FBI officials knowingly used an unverified dossier created at the behest of the Democratic National Committee to dupe a Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court judge into issuing a warrant to spy on the Trump campaign. President Trump, target and victim of the FBI's political vendetta, described the FBI's actions as "worse than Watergate where a handful of Nixon campaign operatives broke into Democratic Party offices to spy on the McGovern...
  • Woman Makes $13 A Day Selling Pet Rocks...Robert Downey Jr. Made Millions For ‘Spider-Man’-SATIRE

    02/02/2018 6:36:39 AM PST · by fungoking · 13 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | Staff1/12/18
    O. EM. GOSH. It’s 2018, and inequality is still a HUGE problem, even in a progressive utopia like Hollywood. Case in point: this woman’s name is Xayley Briers. She spends forty-five minutes a day running her Etsy storefront selling pet rocks. Do you know how much she makes? About $13 a day. Pretty sad, right? Well, it gets worse. While Briers works her butt off selling and shipping pet rocks all over the country for almost an hour each day, Hollywood A-lister and cisgendered white male Robert Downey Jr. made around $15 MILLION for his work in mega blockbuster Spider-Man...
  • After Killing 20-Week Abortion Ban, Democrats Resume Lecturing People About Compassion SATIRE

    01/30/2018 4:58:53 PM PST · by fungoking
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 1/30/18 | Staff
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources within the Senate, Democratic legislators took a short break from their tireless schedule of lecturing the nation about compassion Monday in order to vote against a ban on the barbaric practice of ripping helpless 20-week-old babies limb from limb and pulling them from the wombs of their mothers. The Democratic Caucus unanimously agreed to resume their moral lectures on the plights of such groups as foreign immigrants to the United States, the LGBT community, low-income earners, and others whom it has deemed victimized, after successfully focusing all but three of its members’ attention on perpetuating the...
  • New IRS 1040 Form [satire]

    01/29/2018 11:40:25 AM PST · by markomalley · 4 replies
    Twitter ^ | 1/29/18 | vanity
    In light of complaints surrounding tax reform, the IRS has published an updated Form 1040. Please ensure you file using the following:
  • Trump Supporter Executed Live On Stage At Grammy Awards

    01/29/2018 11:07:24 AM PST · by Gamecock · 20 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | January 29, 2018
    Do I really need to point out that this is satire?NEW YORK, NY—In a moving highlight at this year’s Grammy Award ceremony, 42-year-old Trump supporter Bill Myers was called up onstage and executed by way of the guillotine partway through the proceedings. “We’ve got an extra special surprise for you tonight,” host James Corden said just after Bruno Mars accepted his 43rd award of the show. “Voilà!” he exclaimed as he pulled a black cover off the archaic execution device. At that, Myers was dragged kicking and screaming up to the podium, where he was forced to his knees and...