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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • EPA Refuses to Pay Damages for Its Toxic Spill [semi-satire]

    05/01/2016 10:40:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Colorado Republicans blasted the EPA after an agency official refused to cover the full cost of damages done by the EPA’s release of toxic sludge from the Gold King Mine last August contaminated water supplies in Colorado and New Mexico after spreading from the Animas River to the San Juan River. EPA official Bill Murray explained that “people need to understand that when we took responsibility for the spill we were making a moral statement, not agreeing to compensate anyone for any injuries suffered. The government has ‘sovereign immunity’ and cannot be held liable without its consent. Obviously, we are...
  • Obama Calls His Management of the US Economy "Best in Human History" [semi-satire]

    04/30/2016 10:57:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Despite declines in labor force participation, family income and home ownership juxtaposed to increases in poverty, debt, and health care costs, President Obama maintains that his Administration "probably managed the American economy better than any large economy on Earth in human history." The President lambasted critics who cite GDP statistics that show Obama to be the only president that has failed to deliver even a single year of 3% growth—making his the worst performing administration since Herbert Hoover's during the early years of the Great Depression. "Growth and prosperity aren't the only metrics by which we should judge what has...
  • Denmark Plagued by Migrant Crime Wave [semi-satire]

    04/30/2016 1:51:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The generosity of Danes opening their borders to immigrants from Muslim countries has been repaid by an astounding surge in crimes committed by these foreigners. Though these foreigners make up only 8% of the country's population they account for over 75% of the crimes committed and over 80% of those drawing unemployment benefits from the government. Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders, who has frequently offered up Denmark as an exemplar of the kind of social policies we ought to adopt in the United States, professed himself "not the least bit disturbed by these results. Compared to the places these...
  • The Power Of Positive Declarations: Joel Osteen Can Now Fly satire

    04/27/2016 8:11:47 PM PDT · by fungoking · 7 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 2/28/16 | Staff
    The Babylon Bee | Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire. Home Celebs CelebsMinistriesU.S. The Power Of Positive Declarations: Joel Osteen Can Now Fly February 28, 2016 HOUSTON, TX—Joel Osteen, celebrity senior pastor of Lakewood Church, has been proclaiming the life-changing power of regular, vocal, positive declarations and self-affirmations for years, and for just as long has pointed to his own life and accomplishments as irrefutable evidence of their efficacy. “My primary residence has more elevators than your house has bathrooms,” he told churchgoers in a recent sermon. “And do you know why? It’s because I declared it would happen....
  • Cruz, Kasich Fuse Into Single Candidate In Last-Ditch Effort To Stop Trump (Jed Crusich!!)

    04/26/2016 3:55:28 PM PDT · by Mrs. Don-o · 31 replies
    Babylon Bee, note, a satire site ^ | April 26, 2016 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a scientific marvel reportedly funded by the Koch brothers, Ted Cruz and John Kasich announced at a press conference Tuesday that they have fused into a single candidate, in what is being seen as a last-ditch effort to deny Donald Trump the Republican nomination. The new candidate, named Jed Crusich, reportedly came into being by merging the bodies and essences—and voting bases, as the plan certainly goes—of the two former candidates Cruz and Kasich. Also fused are their delegate counts, bringing Crusich to 707—within striking distance of Trump’s 845. Crusich, whom Donald Trump has already dubbed “Cheatin’ Jed”...
  • No, The Primary System Is Not Rigged

    04/26/2016 10:52:16 AM PDT · by SeekAndFind · 98 replies
    American Thinker ^ | 04/26/2016 | George W. Ford
    For the past month, a media narrative has taken hold that something must be done to reform, simplify, streamline, and democratize the delegate selection system of the Republican presidential nomination process. Is our GOP presidential primary system rigged, meaning it is corrupt because it favors the establishment? Is it convoluted, arbitrary, arcane...and too often "voteless"? Is it wrong to allow "Trojan horse" delegates to change their vote on the second ballot of the national convention? Why do we have a separate election for delegates after we vote for candidates? The system is not rigged, convoluted, arbitrary, arcane, or voteless. It...
  • California Bill Would Effectively Ban All Gun Dealers [semi-satire]

    04/26/2016 10:01:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Assembly Bill 2459, sponsored by Assembly Member Kevin McCarty (D-Sacramento) would institute such draconian regulations on firearms vendors that most, perhaps all, would be driven out of business. This is okay by McCarty, though, because "it would draw a distinct line between the duly authorized and armed police and the outlaws who possess guns." "Let's say that all legitimate gun dealers shutdown," McCarty speculated. "There would be no legal way for a law-abiding citizen to obtain a firearm. The only available source would be an illegal street purchase. In one fell swoop, my bill would convert everyone with a gun...
  • Letter To The Editor NAILS The “Top 12 Reasons To Vote Democrat”

    04/26/2016 9:22:38 AM PDT · by Morgana · 13 replies
    headlinepolitics.com ^ | April 26, 2016 | HPWriter
    It goes without saying that liberals aren’t the most ideologically consistent bunch out there. As a resident of New Jersey, it’s impossible to find a newspaper that isn’t in the tank for Democrats. Even the letters to the editor can be painful to read. Apparently that isn’t the case in the rest of the country! This man wrote a tongue in cheek letter to the editor explaining his top twelve reasons to vote Democrat, and he NAILS it.
  • Illegal Aliens Have "Lawful Presence" Says Solicitor General [semi-satire]

    04/25/2016 12:12:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    The lawless Obama Administration's Solicitor General Donald Verrilli told the Supreme Court that "persons in the United States illegally may be granted a 'lawful presence' at the discretion of the President. As the nation's legal sovereign his word is law and supersedes the legal constraints imposed by statute or the Constitution" and urged the Justices to reject the lawsuit being pressed by 26 states "because they are relying on an out-dated conception of the powers of government." "Rather than inventing a new executive power not contemplated by the framers of the Constitution, why doesn't the President just utilize the power...
  • [Satire] Obama Inadvertently Boosts Brexit Movement

    04/24/2016 10:31:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    President Obama's pledge "to never set foot in the UK again if that country's voters decide to leave the European Union" appears to have bolstered the movement pushing for that objective. Independence Party leader Nigel Farage said "this threat from the odious Mr. Obama is a shot-in-the-arm to our efforts to extricate our country from the bureaucratic tyranny that the EU has become. It's like a 'buy one, get one free' offer. Not only will the people of the United Kingdom get to disentangle ourselves from the EU's continental fops, we will also, apparently, see the last of America's premier...
  • Axl Rose Reveals He Is Transgender (satire)

    04/24/2016 10:01:21 AM PDT · by Morgana · 40 replies
    ncscooper.com ^ | April 21, 2016 | Cleveland Sam
    Los Angeles, CA — Axl Rose, lead singer of the legendary band Guns N Roses, has recently revealed to the world a secret he has kept to himself for over 45 years. He is a transgender man. He was born Willmena Rose, as a female. Axl Rose was born in 1962 to a 16-year-old Mother in Lafayette, Indiana. His birth name was Willmena Bruce Rose. Rose’s dad left the family soon after to pursue a career in drinking. At age 6, after Rose’s Mom remarried, Willmena began acting as boys do, eating dirt and throwing rocks properly. She began dressing...
  • [Satire] Virginia Governor Enfranchises Felons

    04/23/2016 4:14:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire Blog ^ | Posted on April 23, 2016 | John Semmens
    Saying he is tired of waiting for the legislature to take action, Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) issued an executive order restoring voting rights to convicted felons. The move is expected to add more than 200,000 Democrats to the state’s voter rolls. “Ours is a government of, by, and for the people,” McAuliffe said. “This means all the people. For better or for worse, criminals are part of society. As members of society they are entitled to the human right to vote, to choose who will represent their interests in the halls of government.” The Governor brushed aside Republican objections, calling...
  • Dem Operative Says "Hillary Will Be Elected Even If She's in Jail" [semi-satire]

    04/23/2016 10:51:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Long-time Democratic insider, and current CNN political correspondent, Bob Beckel predicted that "Hillary will be elected president even if she's in jail on election day. The American people don't care about emails or computer security. Their expectations are that those they elect to lead them will rise above a literal compliance with the law in order to more effectively wield the power that is necessary to govern the nation." Beckel discounted the possibility that Clinton's legal troubles would pose any impediments to her assumption of the presidency. "I'd say that by winning in November she will have been effectively 'pardoned'...
  • Obama Threatens to Veto 9/11 Bill [semi-satire]

    04/22/2016 6:19:57 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Legislation that would declassify a portion of the 9/11 Commission report on the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon in 2001 "will be vetoed by the President" said Press Secretary Josh Earnest "because it would disclose that government officers in Saudi Arabia provided the 'seed money' for al-Qaeda and, thus, do irreparable damage to the relationship between our two countries." "While there is no evidence that aiding al-Qaeda was the official policy of the Saudi government there is evidence that lower ranking government officials may have been involved," Earnest admitted. "Should the Saudi government have done a better...
  • Report: Treasury Dept. changes mind on $10 bill, chooses another woman to replace Hamilton (satire)

    04/22/2016 3:14:59 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 2 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-22-16 | The Looking Spoon
    Following the announcement of Harriet Tubman becoming the new face of the 20 dollar bill the Treasury Department revived a plan to also replace Alexander Hamilton on the 10 dollar bill with another female pioneer in American History. Glamour Woman of the Year award winner Caitlyn Jenner. For the selection committee tasked with finding Hamilton's replacement the decision to go with Jenner was an easy one. "How many women in our country's history win Olympic gold competing against men?" said Dane. "I mean, you've got to be really tough to do that, I heard she even lived like a man for...
  • Another Whole Foods accused of putting a hateful 3-letter slur starting with "G" on a cake (satire)

    04/20/2016 7:31:22 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 11 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-20-16 | The Looking Spoon
    A San Francisco bay area resident is accusing the bakery staff at the local Whole Foods of adding an "extremely offensive" three-letter slur that starts with a "G" to a cake custom cake ordered at the store. The cake in question was commissioned to say "Love Wins" at the top, but upon receipt of the cake Gianny Limpschtick claims that someone at the Whole Foods wrote "GOP" below. "I can't even say look at it much less say it," said Limpschtick. "I'm not only upset because the cake has been ruined, but San Francisco is a safe space, and that...
  • Transgender woman sues government to force installation of urinals in womens bathrooms (Satire)

    04/20/2016 10:46:37 AM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 45 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-20-16 | The Looking Spoon
    Citing "genitalia discrimination," a transgender woman is suing the government to write regulation requiring the installation of urinals in women's bathrooms. "I want to have the right to use the bathroom for the gender I identify with," said the woman who asked to go by the name Venus. "It's really very simple. I may or may not go through with the operation. If I choose not to I shouldn't have to spent the rest of my life feeling like bathrooms can't be a safe space for me because I have to sit down when I could just whip it out...
  • Hollywood Announces Plans To Create Even More Inaccurate, Terrible Bible Movies

    04/19/2016 8:56:38 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 20 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | March 31, 2016
    SATIRE (Or is it?) HOLLYWOOD, CA—Fresh off recent blockbusters such as Noah and Exodus: Gods and Kings, multiple Hollywood studios confirmed Thursday that they are looking forward to creating even more terrible Christian movies featuring wild inaccuracies and an offensive departure from the truth as presented in the Bible. “We love what we do,” Warner Brothers Vice President Lance Metriculo told reporters. “Take the movie Noah. Originally, we tested a very ‘blah’ movie, without a misanthropic, baby‐hating Noah, drug‐addled Methuselah, or stone golem Nephilim. Boy did we dodge a bullet there, we laughed, after we made all those changes! Then...
  • Study Shows Government Less Cyber Secure [semi-satire]

    04/19/2016 11:14:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    A study released by Security Scorecard found that all levels of government had a worse record of cyber security than major business firms. In measures of vulnerability to malware and security breaches, federal, state, and local governments ranked at the bottom. Education, telecommunications and pharmaceutical industries were almost as bad. Information services, construction, food and technology were the best. Of the 600 government entities tracked, NASA performed the worst. Other low-performing government organizations included the U.S. Department of State. This latter revelation was jumped on by the Hillary Clinton for President campaign as "a total vindication of Secretary Clinton's decision...
  • BATHROOM RE-OPENS WITH ON DUTY COMPLIANCE OFFICER

    04/19/2016 4:49:31 AM PDT · by bert · 34 replies
    Towndock.net ^ | April 15, 2016 | Staff
    After being closed since late March, Oriental’s public restroom is again open. The town has been able to hire a certified Gender Compliance Officer. Located by the harbor near the new Town Dock, Oriental’s public bathroom opened to great acclaim in December. However, the Town was forced to quickly shutter the facility when the NC legislature passed HB2 on March 26. NC Law HB2 mandates that “users of public restrooms use bathrooms corresponding to the gender on their birth certificate.” Without a way to check birth certificates, bathroom use had to be shut down, or the town was vulnerable to...
  • Donald Trump is a visionary with talents our country needs

    04/18/2016 1:37:56 PM PDT · by GilGil · 41 replies
    Jewish Telegraphic Agency ^ | 4/18/2016 | Jason Dov Greenblatt
    I am executive vice president and chief legal officer of The Trump Organization. I have been working with Donald Trump for over 19 years. I am an observant, committed Jew. What comes to my mind when I think of Donald Trump? Inspiration. He inspires people of all kinds to work hard and do their best. He inspires people to dream and fosters an environment where people can advance their dreams. He will not take no for an answer, and he crafts creative solutions to problems. Loyalty. Many of his employees have worked for him for 20 to 30 years or...
  • Vice President Biden learns the disappointing truth about superdelegates

    04/18/2016 12:23:55 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 4 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-18-16 | The Looking Spoon
    Vice President Biden is pictured above reacting to the revelation by Hillary Clinton that the Democratic Party's super-delegates are, unlike them, just regular old human beings. While agreeing that their sole purpose for existing is to heroically protect her from losing the nomination, super-delegates do not, in fact, have super-powers such as: Tax-ray vision, mainstream media invisibility, abortion claws, a magic red tape lasso, debt deflectors, terrorist noise cancelers, tyranny empathizers, and a logic shield made out of laminated race cards. Clinton then went on to clarify that any Democrat has all of those things, but they are actually perks...
  • Bi-Partisan Anti-Encryption Bill in the Works [semi-satire]

    04/18/2016 11:51:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Senators Richard Burr (R-NC) and Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) have introduced a draft bill that would effectively bar any private parties from owning encrypted phones, computers, or other devices that are not accessible to government surveillance. Burr emphasized “the important law enforcement objectives we are attempting to protect through this legislation. Criminals must not be allowed to hide their nefarious schemes from duly appointed police authorities. We cannot protect the general public if police are hampered by the inability to pierce any communication between criminal co-conspirators.” Partnering-sponsor Feinstein alleged that “there is no legitimate need for anyone to insist upon privacy...
  • Reid Wishes Senate Seat Were a "Lifetime Gig" [semi-satire]

    04/17/2016 4:56:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Though he has opted not to run again, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said "I wish I could stay in the Senate until I drop dead. The whole process of having to repeatedly seek voter approval to stay in office is tiresome and demeaning. A senator should be allowed to stay as long as he wants or until he is deposed or executed by the ruling sovereign as was the case in ancient Rome." Reid opined that "pleasing an emperor or a president is a much simpler task than pleasing the average voter. Think about it. Isn't the voice...
  • Special Important Announcement From White House and Pentagon This Afternoon /s

    04/17/2016 2:02:41 PM PDT · by Strac6 · 33 replies
    Dreams . Vanity | My twisted mind
    Special announcement today from the presidential press secretary in Washington: Begin: Is everyone here? Are you all rolling? (That is for the radio audio recorders and television cameras) I have a joint statement today for you from the White House and the Department of Defense. First, thank you all for coming in on what for many is a well-deserved day off. I know it’s a beautiful day here in Washington, so I’ll try to make this as quick as possible. I have a statement for you and will be up to take a few questions afterwards. After this briefing concludes,...
  • [ Satire] LGBT Advocacy Group Launches Center For Advanced Ad Hominems

    04/16/2016 7:48:40 PM PDT · by ReformationFan · 1 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | April 15, 2016
    BOSTON, MA—Touting the vast potential of the new organization to equip a new generation with state-of-the-art training in forming and deploying ad hominem attacks against social conservatives, LGBT advocacy group GLAD formally announced the opening of its Center for Advanced Ad Hominems with a celebration and ribbon-cutting ceremony Friday. The nonprofit organization, made possible by a federal grant of $21 million, aims to create and distribute content to improve the average LGBT advocate’s ad hominem reasoning, with a special focus on their ability to launch an ‘efficient and effective’ personal attack in any political or cultural disagreement, instead of replying...
  • 'He Can Change': The New York Post Endorses Carol's Boyfriend (satire)

    04/16/2016 6:58:54 PM PDT · by EveningStar · 46 replies
    National Review ^ | April 15, 2016 | Charles C. W. Cooke
    Carol's boyfriend is a mercurial figure -- a potentially nice guy, but unreliable, dangerous, and married to someone else. Exactly who he is can be hard to make out amid his capriciousness, his lying, and his occasional descents into violence... But he can change. What else to expect from someone who reflects the baser passions? It'll be different when Carol fixes him. It'll be different when he leaves his wife. It'll be different when he kicks the habit. It'll be different when he gets back on his feet again. The therapy will change him. And Carol can learn to stop...
  • Germany Outlaws Sausages and Sexy Females in Ads [semi-satire]

    04/15/2016 4:22:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    In a move authorities hope will reduce the frequency of sexual assault by Muslim immigrants, the portrayal of sausages and "scantily clad" women (i.e., those without headscarves) in advertisements will be banned. German Justice Minister Heiko Maas said "the action is a common sense measure designed to protect our citizens from rape and molestation by those from a different culture. In interrogation after interrogation, offenders from Asia and Africa have professed themselves to be irresistibly driven to attack women shortly after viewing ads in which 'uncovered women' or 'uncovered sausages' have been shown. Rather than futilely expecting immigrants to adapt...
  • Bruce Springsteen threatens South Carolina boycott if governor insists she is an Indian-American

    04/15/2016 3:49:25 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 51 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-15-16 | The Looking Spoon
    Following his cancellation of a concert in North Carolina over a law that prohibits transgender people from using bathrooms other than their biological sex, Bruce Springsteen declared that South Carolina will be next on his "s**t list" if Governor Nikki Haley insists on using the "archaic" way of identifying herself as Indian. "I mean, it's 2016, who still says they're Indian? This isn't 19th century America, we recognize these people are actually Native Americans," said Springsteen, adding "if Governor Haley wants to disrespect herself that's her business, but I will not play another concert in South Carolina as long as...
  • Michael Moore Threatens To Eat North Carolina If It Will Not Allow Men Into Women’s Restrooms

    04/15/2016 7:51:30 AM PDT · by Impala64ssa · 14 replies
    The End Times ^ | 4/15/16 | Scott Alan Buss
    Famed filmmaker and gelatinous force of raging hypocrisy Michael Moore has threatened to eat North Carolina unless it agrees to allow men into women’s restrooms by high noon on Monday. “The way that North Carolina is imposing its morality upon others is just disgusting,” raged the multi-multi-millionaire who has made many fortunes by crafting and selling movies on the evils of capitalism. “And if North Carolina doesn’t cave completely to my demands to obliterate gender distinctions and let men into women’s restrooms, I’m literally gonna eat the whole sorry state for lunch!” The threat to eat the entire state was...
  • Government builds first ever safe space

    04/14/2016 12:58:30 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 4 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-14-16 | The Looking Spoon
    Responding to petitions and pleas of a minority of millennials who are as tired of being coddled as they are of being offended, the government has completed construction for the nation's first ever safe space. Constructed under the authority of an agency that was newly formed via an executive order by President Obama the Department of Understanding Millennials Better (DUMB) plans to open the 10,000 facility up to its first inhabitants in the coming weeks and already has a waiting list that is ten times that capacity. The facility will be known as "The Safe Space," or "the SS" for...
  • Transgender woman excommunicated from LGBT community for suggesting transgender only bathrooms

    04/13/2016 1:05:35 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 22 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-13-16 | The Looking Spoon
    As the national debate whether people should be allowed to use bathrooms according to their chosen gender identity continues to swell one transgender woman makes a revolutionary, and costly proposal to settle the argument. Charlie Shimpner, former chair of Transgender Humans United for Gender Silliness (THUGS) was excommunicated from the LGBTQ community after a writing a Facebook post suggesting the transgender community should accept the creation of alternative bathrooms for "transgender-Americans." The post went viral in a matter of hours and ignited a petition on Change.org for Facebook to create a "remove from Facebook button.' Said Shimper, "I thought long...
  • Obama Promises "Trump Will Not Succeed Me" [semi-satire]

    04/13/2016 8:23:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Calling GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump "an appalling choice," President Barack Obama promised a frightened nation that "I will do whatever I can to prevent this man from succeeding me as president." The President didn't rule out "any extraordinary, extra-legal actions that might be needed. Hopefully, it won't come to that. I trust that American voters will opt to continue the progress I've made by electing Secretary Clinton in November. But rest assured, I will not shy away from doing what it takes to keep Mr. Trump out of the Oval Office." Meanwhile, Obama's preferred successor sought to differentiate herself...
  • Scientists develop technology that promises to prevent people from ever being offended again

    04/12/2016 5:22:29 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 12 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-12-16 | The Looking Spoon
    The Thought Purifier 1984 (TP1984) by MicroThought The applied sciences division of MicroThought have unveiled what is being hailed as a huge leap forward for political correctness. The cutting edge technology is a pair of noise canceling ear pieces called "thought purifiers" that are specially customized to be programmed to filter out words and phrases the individual wearer would find to be "triggering" and "offensive." "We are very excited about this offering at MicroThought," said a spokesperson for the company. "We believe this technology will have the same revolutionary effect on health and well-being in the 21st century that...
  • Dem Says National Debt Not a Threat [semi-satire]

    04/12/2016 10:32:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Sen. Ed Markey (D-Mass) brushed off fears that a runaway national debt could pose a threat to America. "Look, a debt of whatever amount merely records resources that have already been acquired by the government," Markey argued. "The government has already gotten and spent that money for the benefit of America. Whether it ever pays this money back is basically irrelevant." "Let's imagine that, 'horror of horrors,' the government defaults on this debt," Markey continued. "Who's hurt? The people who lent the money to the government by buying bonds can obviously afford to lose this money. People who need their...
  • Hillary Demands She be Prosecuted if Guilty [semi-satire]

    04/11/2016 11:02:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    In a surprising move said to be aimed at undermining contentions that she is being afforded special treatment, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton demanded that “everyone who violates the law anywhere should be held accountable.” Campaign manager Robby Mook argued that “this will take the wind out of the sails of those in the GOP who maintain that Hillary sees herself as above the law. By insisting that everyone who violates the law must be prosecuted, the absence of any prosecution from the Department of Justice will stand as a total vindication of her innocence. In...
  • Bill Clinton Clashes with “Black Lives Matter” [semi-satire]

    04/10/2016 12:17:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    After being mercilessly heckled by agitators from the group “Black Lives Matter,” former President Bill Clinton accused them of “defending murderers and drug dealers.” The BLM protesters objected to the former president’s support for 1994’s Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, which they contend disproportionately penalizes minorities. Clinton’s argument that “this law puts blacks who prey upon other blacks, who kill other blacks behind bars and saves the lives of countless would-be black victims. Those attacking this law can’t really pose as advocates for black lives. They are advocates for criminals.” Concerned that the former president has “drifted off...
  • SNL mocks Hillary Clinton’s NYC cred during candidate’s Big Apple visit

    04/10/2016 2:02:53 AM PDT · by Zakeet · 10 replies
    NY Daily News ^ | April 10, 2016 | Nicole Hensley
    Hillary Clinton's New York ties are not fooling "Saturday Night Live." The sketch show toyed with the Democratic front-runner's election results against Bernie Sanders and her return to the "Fat Apple" to encourage support two weeks before the primary. Clinton doppelganger and SNL cast member Kate McKinnon had her candidate playing to Yankees and "Meets" fans before re-enacting Clinton's viral - and failed - attempt to use a Metrocard at a Bronx subway station. "The subway. I love to ride. I'm comfortable riding it," said McKinnon's Clinton before swiping half a dozen times with no success. The actress took...
  • Hillary Suggests 298th Trimester Abortion For Bernie Sanders(satire)

    04/09/2016 9:14:29 AM PDT · by ReformationFan · 2 replies
    The End Times ^ | 4-8-16 | Scott Alan Buss
    ALBANY, NY – With pressure mounting and the stakes sky high in New York’s fast approaching Democrat primary, Hillary Clinton has suggested that Bernie Sanders validate his pro-choice credentials by choosing to subject himself to a 298th trimester abortion. “But that’s insane! That would kill me!” protested Sanders at a New York City Feel the Bern rally attended by tens of thousands of non-aborted pro-choice progressives advocating for the right to murder children and steal the property of those left alive. “While I’m all for a woman’s right to murder her unborn child for any reason or no reason at...
  • Cal AG Justifies Raid [semi-satire]

    04/09/2016 7:43:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    California State Attorney General Kamala Harris (D) justified her office's raid on the home of pro-life activist David Daleiden this week, contending that "the actions of Mr. Daleiden constitute a clear and present danger to the State and the values we are trying to protect." Daleiden was instrumental in the acquisition and airing of undercover videos of Planned Parenthood officers and employees engaged in illegal trafficking of human organs harvested from aborted fetuses. Harris has declined to initiate an investigation of this illegal trafficking because "the evidence gathered by Mr. Daleiden was obtained through surreptitious methods. An invasion of privacy...
  • Starbucks Helps Lesbians Declare War on Christmas, Place ‘Lillith’ The Goddess of Lesbianism...

    04/09/2016 5:21:55 AM PDT · by Mr Apple · 105 replies
    LiberalDarkness.com ^ | Nov 8, 2015 | Marion Uncmeier
    It is a well-known fact that the corporate world is powered by high-end coffees. With pithy corporate executives forced to work early morning hours to keep their companies competitive, they must find a good source of status-quot coffee to start their day and show they are in charge. Powerful liberals understand this fact and have thus encouraged young lesbians to start ‘exciting careers’ in the barista industry. By working at local Starbucks nationwide, lesbians have...
  • Army Chief Opposes Private Weapons for Troops [semi-satire]

    04/08/2016 2:23:38 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    In testimony before a congressional committee investigating the murders of military personnel at military facilities, Army Chief of Staff General Mark Milley told Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) that he was opposed to letting troops carry personal weapons to defend themselves. "Let me assure Congress that our higher ranking officers are well protected by the existing procedures," the General said. "Base commanders have a contingent of armed guards between themselves and any potential assailant. I am confident that no intruders could get to them without themselves being shot." "What about lower ranking soldiers?" Lee asked. "They don't have guards assigned to...
  • Petition to stop Trump: only the State can be generous! (People's Cube humor)

    04/07/2016 5:55:41 AM PDT · by xzins · 9 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 6 Apr 16 | Hammer and Loupe
    We urge all out progressive readers to sign our petition calling on Donald Trump to stop his reactionary support of private charities, stop being generous, and let the state take care of people! The state always is there to help the oppressed and the downtrodden. Donald Trump's theatrics include handing a scholarship for the former Miss Wisconsin's son, flying an ill boy, giving a simple bus driver money, and giving donations to veteran groups. Instead, Mr. Trump should consider expanding government services, where thousands of caring bureaucrats can help the toiling masses as a class, according to their needs. It...
  • The Causes of Violent Extremism Remain Mysterious [Satire]

    04/06/2016 1:52:22 PM PDT · by DanMiller · 1 replies
    Dan Miller's Blog ^ | April 6, 2016 | Dan Miller
    Our guest author All right-thinking people know that Islam is the religion of peace and tolerance. Therefore, even though some instances of violent extremism may involve Muslims, Islam obviously has nothing to do with it. Imam Obama and President Erdogan of Turkey have told us that repeatedly. Only Islamophobes claim that there is a connection.Often, acts erroneously deemed to be "Islamic terrorism" are the results of mental or other disorders. For example Khaled al-Hamada, a brave freedom fighter in Syria, liked to feast on the organs of infidels enemies he had helped to kill. It was neither Islam's fault...
  • North Korean Government Advises Population to “Brace for Famine” [semi-satire]

    04/06/2016 10:55:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Calling the road to revolution “long and arduous,” the state-run Rodong Sinmun newspaper advised readers to “brace for famine.” The “bracing” is expected to entail the people “chewing the roots of plants once again.” In addition, the country is requiring all residents to deliver about 2 lb. of rice to state warehouses each month. The rice levy is needed to ensure that the country’s 300 lb. leader—Kim Jong-un—is able to “maintain his strength in the battle against capitalist imperialism. We cannot allow hunger to undermine his ability to continue to make progress toward the socialist future we are all striving...
  • Bill Would Ease Way for Prosecution of Climate Deniers [semi-satire]

    04/05/2016 10:45:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    The Climate Science Truth & Accountability Act, a bill introduced by California state Sen. Ben Allen (D-Santa Monica) would expand state and local government’s attorneys’ power to crack down on global warming critics. Under the bill, the statute of limitations would be extended to 30 years so that the California attorney general, 58 county district attorneys and the city attorneys of every city with more than 750,000 people would have a bigger window of opportunity to launch investigations, lawsuits, and prosecutions against climate change critics. “We cannot allow the biggest criminals against humanity to escape punishment just because of the...
  • Hillary Clinton suffers unexpected tragedy on the campaign trail

    04/04/2016 7:10:19 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 23 replies
    Hillary Clinton canceled campaign events today after her broom was found broken in two early this morning. While investigators suspect foul play one tip from a man who wishes to remain anonymous suggests that the broom has been trying to end itself for decades ever since his mother-in-law passed it down to Hillary. According to one of the emails unearthed from the FBI investigation into Clinton's private email servers the broom was set to be part of a forthcoming "green initiative." Aides say the plan aimed at severely reducing the carbon footprint of the presidency by making the broom the...
  • DHS Secretary Says Illegal Aliens Are "in Effect" US Citizens [semi-satire]

    04/04/2016 10:44:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson dismissed the possibility of deporting those entering the country illegally as "impractical. For all intents and purposes the 11 million already residing here are, in effect, US citizens." Johnson also expressed his distaste at deporting alien criminals on the grounds that "it would be both cruel and unusual. The home countries to which they would be deported are already suffering under crime rates far higher than we have here in the United States. Even if letting them stay here raises our crime rates it seems to me that this would provide for a...
  • Administration Efforts to Eliminate “Red Tape” Costly [semi-satire]

    04/03/2016 11:04:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Apr 2016 | John Semmens
    President Obama’s touted plan to reduce government red tape appears to have both increased the cost of government AND the time and effort required to comply with regulations. According to the American Action Forum, measures put into place by the Administration have added a net $23 billion in costs and nearly nine million hours of extra paperwork on businesses, individuals, and government to comply with the “reforms.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest defended the Administration’s efforts, saying that “a simplistic calculation of the costs and burdens unfairly muddles the distinction between eliminating bad regulations and replacing them with good regulations. The...
  • Bernie Sanders switches to Republican Party after combing hair

    04/02/2016 7:17:01 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 14 replies
    American Irony ^ | 4-2-16 | The Looking Spoon
    During what campaign staffers describe as a "senior moment" Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont picked up a comb that was sitting on a table at his campaign headquarters and used it on himself. "This has been a crazy campaign, but that was by far the most insane thing I've witnessed so far," said campaign staffer Chip Beaverton. "He looked, I don't know, his hair was nice and even. He looked, um, respectable? As crazy as that is to say, it's nothing compared to what happened next." According to witnesses at the scene Senator Sanders calmly walked out of the...