Keyword: satire

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  • EEOC Announces New Workplace Regs [semi-satire]

    12/03/2016 11:14:53 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) announced new workplace regulations requiring employers to accommodate the languages spoken by prospective hires and current employees or “face sanctions including fines and/or revocation of permission to operate.” Oddly, the EEOC cited “the growing diversity of the nation’s workforce as the justification for the new rule.” Under the new regulations requiring employees to speak or understand English is now deemed unlawful discrimination. “Employees have the right to communicate in a language of their own choosing,” EEOC Chairperson Jenny Yang argued. “It is the employer’s responsibility to learn the language of his employees or hire...
  • Obama to Admit Refugees Barred from Entering Australia [semi-satire]

    12/03/2016 8:45:04 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has agreed to admit nearly 2500 refugees that the Australian government has refused to allow into their country for "security reasons." The refugees are from terrorism "hot spots" and have been excluded for failing to clear the country's vetting process. Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) have complained about the lack of transparency in the President's actions. "In a matter having obvious security implications the President is obliged to consult Congress before agreeing to bring potentially dangerous individuals into the United States," Grassley contended. "The fact that these men were not deemed a good...
  • Senator Desperate to Pass "Lame Duck" Bills [semi-satire]

    12/02/2016 8:20:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has joined with Sen. John McCain (R-Az) to modify the recently passed Justice Against Sponsors of Terror Act (JASTA). This law allows victims of terrorist attacks to sue the governments that provide funding and sanctuary to terrorists. Graham is concerned that "the existing law can come back to bite us. When Congress overrode President Obama's veto they were thinking 'let's make these Muslim governments pay for the damages done by the groups they harbor.' What was overlooked was the possibility that our own government would be made liable for damage done by terrorists armed by the...
  • Trump's Direct Communication to Public Irks Major Media [semi-satire]

    11/29/2016 9:22:43 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Since winning the election, president-elect Donald Trump has broadcast a couple of brief messages directly to the general public over the Internet on his Facebook page. These communications have been denounced by some media talking heads. Katy Tur of MSNBC called this "a disturbing end-run around the critical filter provided by professional journalists. It allows Trump to put his own 'spin' on the message and transmit it to voters before it has been vetted by those of us whose job it is to act as intermediaries." That Trump would seek a more direct path to communicate with Americans was probably...
  • Union Decries Trump Nominee for Department of Education [semi-satire]

    11/28/2016 10:35:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    President-elect Donald Trump’s nomination of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education did not sit well with American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten. “In nominating DeVos, Trump makes it loud and clear that his education policy will focus on shifting control of education into the hands of students and their parents,” she complained. “This defies logic and can only lead to the destruction of the public education system.” Weingarten dismissed the consumer empowerment concept as “a naive perspective for the delivery of as complex a product as education. Does a parent really know what’s best for her child? Can we,...
  • Bureaucrats Order Destruction of Food Bound for Homeless Shelter [semi-satire]

    11/27/2016 9:15:58 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The attempt by Kookers Kare to donate 4,000 lbs. of leftovers from the American Royal’s World Series of Barbecue to a local nonprofit organization called Hope City was thwarted by the Kansas City Health Department. The food donation has traditionally fed thousands of homeless persons in Kansas City for decades without complaint or incident. This time, however, the donated food was ordered destroyed by the Kansas City Health Department. “All of that food was uninspected, so that makes it from an unapproved source, it cannot be served to the public,” Operations Manager Joe Williamson said. “It doesn’t matter that both...
  • France to Pay Illegals to Leave [semi-satire]

    11/26/2016 3:52:38 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The government of France is offering a bounty of €2,500 to migrants who voluntarily go home to their country of origin. The €2,500 to cover air fare is only part of the deal. An additional €10,000 in financial aid is available to help them get set up on arriving home. Didier Leschi, the head of France's immigration office, called the payment "a bargain compared to the cost of sustaining these people via the welfare benefits to which they are entitled under French law. The €10,000 each will receive upon arrival is enough to fund a small business in their native...
  • Democratic Party Doesn't Need White People [semi-satire]

    11/26/2016 10:46:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid to simplify the race for who will be the next chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, former Bernie Sanders for President spokeswoman Symone Sanders advised melanin deficient aspirants to "back off. We don't need white people leading the Democratic Party right now." Contrasting "the whupping dished out to two pasty-faced white dudes by the chocolaty Barack to the embarrassing upset suffered by the ghostly Hillary makes it clear that the Party's future lies with people of color," Symone argued. She was especially anxious that "the 'crazy yodeling white dude' not be allowed to lead the Party into...
  • The Ten Commandments According to Francis

    11/25/2016 5:10:06 PM PST · by ebb tide · 4 replies
    Mahhound's Paradise ^ | November 25, 2016 | Manhound
    I have obtained a draft version. Sources tell me that the New Decalogue will be promulgated soon after the four cardinals are beheaded. 1. I am the LORD your Pope: you shall not heed strange Popes before me. 2. You shall not take Yes or No questions to me. 3. Remember the late 1960's and keep them holy. 4. Please report dissident relatives to the proper authorities. 5. You shall not discard that which can be re-used. 6. Life is complicated. 7. Let it go. 8 You shall bear false witness against your neighbor if it favors the progressive cause....
  • Voter ID Laws Rigged Election for Trump [semi-satire]

    11/25/2016 2:57:07 PM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The League of Women Voters called for the election of Donald Trump to be voided on the grounds that the election was rigged. Chris Carson, president of the League of Women Voters maintains that "state laws requiring voters to show IDs before they are allowed to cast a ballot unduly restrict the franchise." "The whole point of democracy is to allow the people to govern themselves," Carson said. "Limiting the franchise to only those who can prove who they are narrows the base and excludes those who can't or won't agree to identify themselves. This conflicts with the principle of...
  • Chicago to Remain Sanctuary City [semi-satire]

    11/22/2016 9:34:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Calling illegal alien criminal gangs “a time-honored part of our city’s culture,” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced that “we will remain a sanctuary city regardless of whatever opposition a President Trump might express to our policy.” For his part, President-Elect Trump has pledged to deport or incarcerate the estimated two million illegal aliens in the country who have criminal records. Given that Chicago suffers from dozens of gang-related shootings every month it would seem that removing criminal aliens from the mix might lessen the carnage. Emanuel was having none of this, though, calling the apparent salutary objective of deporting the...
  • Google Promises to Censor "Fake News" [semi-satire]

    11/21/2016 9:02:22 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Acknowledging that "our knee-jerk notion that freedom of speech should not be stifled may have blinded us to our responsibility to prevent the promulgation of 'fake news,'" Google's chief executive Sundar Pichai said and promised "to do a better job of weeding out erroneous and misleading posts in the future." Pichai was especially hard on himself "for letting Hillary down. The more established media arbiters at CNN, NBC, CBS, etc. held as firm as they could to protect their viewers from being exposed to bogus news like the Wikileaks documents. But those of us in the Internet zone allowed our...
  • Senator Vows to Blockade Trump Agenda [semi-satire]

    11/20/2016 10:03:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) vowed he would block Trump's efforts to clamp down on illegal immigration and make peace with Russia. "He may think that because there is a GOP majority that he can get his way over here," Graham warned. "But it will only take a few of us to join with the Democrats to thwart his plans." Graham found Trump's idea that the United States and Russia could make common cause to fight ISIS "frightening. Russia has been this country's adversary for longer than I've been alive. They have nuclear weapons. They're dangerous. ISIS is a 'johnny-come-lately' phenomenon....
  • Campaign Launched to Reverse Election Outcome [semi-satire]

    11/19/2016 10:41:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    A campaign has been launched by Hillary supporters to intimidate Trump electors into voting for Clinton on December 19th. Personal data—names and addresses—have been published in hopes that "people will take the initiative to contact these electors and persuade them to change their vote for the good of the country." Part of that "good" may be self-preservation, as a number of Trump electors have reported receiving death threats if they "vote wrong." Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) blamed President-Elect Donald Trump for "the surge of violence that has erupted since the election. His deplorable campaign of hate and...
  • Micro-Aggression Terror at Starbucks [semi-satire]

    11/18/2016 8:57:08 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Customers and staff at a Portland, Oregon Starbuck's coffee shop endured a moment of pure terror when another customer asked for the name "Trump" to be written on his order. "This used to be a safe space," said a weepy barista while whipping up a Latte Venti for a cowering customer in an "I'm with her" t-shirt. "That our grief over the election results could be so disrespected so soon reaffirms our fears that a new dark age is upon us." Customer, Marcus Child admitted to "trembling in horror at the insensitivity of some people. The greatest woman in human...
  • Dumped on Prom Night - The PROOF of Hillary's Election Night Meltdown (Satire)

    11/15/2016 11:57:42 AM PST · by sevinufnine · 110 replies
    People's Cube ^ | 11/12/2016 | Chedoh
    Some of the remnants of Hillary Clinton’s rampage in the private VIP area was discovered by the HOTEL CUSTODIAL STAFF the day following the election. Early in the morning, the custodial staff were greeted by flipped-over tables as the floors were covered with expensive food, drinks, and appetizers. Broken champagne flutes and gilded silverware were also seen scattered around the would-be party room. The most telling sign of a massive meltdown was the cake. The pastry that had once proudly displayed the presidential seal, was violently flung against the walls in chunks. A broken topper from the cake in the...
  • NYC Mayor to Delete Illegal Alien Database [semi-satire]

    11/15/2016 9:46:54 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 November 2016 | John Semmens
    New York City’s Democratic Mayor Bill de Blasio says he will order the deletion of the database of 850,000 illegal aliens residing in his city “to protect them from any enforcement action President Trump may attempt after he takes office.” The database was established as part of deBlasio’s initiative to issue ID cards to those in the country illegally “so they can live normal lives like any other American. New York has been and will remain a sanctuary city. If it was important when a friendly Administration was in charge in Washington, it is crucial now that a hostile bigot...
  • VANITY - JERKS At White House Mess website blame Trump for shutdown (Major fake)

    11/14/2016 1:25:02 PM PST · by time4good · 18 replies
    11/14/2016 | Self
    "We regret to announce that the "Dine at the White House Mess" program will no longercontinue under the Trump Administration due to the repeal of the Obama Administration'sopenness and transparency doctrine." Sorry about the lack of the pic on the page.
  • Trump Intentionally Forces Black Family From Home

    11/14/2016 7:49:22 AM PST · by loucon · 27 replies
    ihavethetruth.com ^ | Nov 12, 2016 | Max Jackson
    Maybe Donald Trump and his supporters deserve everything people called them during the election? After all, Trump is kicking a black family out of the home they’ve lived in for nearly eight years!
  • Take Back Our College Rankings! Sign our petition! (vanity-satire)

    11/14/2016 6:13:27 AM PST · by Drawsing · 16 replies
    Self | November 14, 2016 | Self
    I am literally shaking. I woke up this morning hoping it had been just a bad dream - a horrible nightmare. But my worst fears were confirmed. Auburn lost to Georgia yesterday. It was not supposed to happen. We were ranked number 8 and Georgia was not even in the top 25. My tears flow freely and I have nothing but fear and despair over our future. My teddy bear helps only a little. But there is a slight glimmer of hope. I have started a petition which now has over 40,000 signatures from Auburn fans and like-minded supporters from...
  • Obama Pondering Pardoning Clinton [semi-satire]

    11/14/2016 5:50:39 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 November 2016 | John Semmens
    Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest expressed confidence that President Obama would "not let emotional outbursts by people understandably distraught over the election deter him from pardoning Hillary and those other public servants for any crimes they may have committed in the course of performing their duties. The template for such a pardon was established by President Ford's similar pardon for Nixon. And as Hillary pointed out in one of the debates, in America we don't jail losing candidates." "Governing is not a business for the squeamish," Earnest added. "Actions that might be regarded as appalling if done by ordinary people...
  • Trump Wins - Business Goes To The Dogs (Satire)

    11/13/2016 6:43:32 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 8 replies
    11/13/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    Because of the Trump win, there has been a surge in the business of dogs. The epidemic of emotional and mental collapse in the "snowflake" generation has caused this business uptick for emotional support puppies and dogs. Rex Barker, President of the Canine Breeders Society (CBS) stated that the demand for emotional support puppies and dogs (ESP/D) has greatly exceeded their ability to provide them to trainers. Rex stated that nature controlled their ability to produce the puppies and dogs to meet the demand in spite of Progressives accusations that they were holding out for higher prices. Duke Hounder, President...
  • WHEN BARRY MET DONALD, AND THE GUY WITH THE THING

    11/13/2016 11:14:49 AM PST · by Sean_Anthony
    Canada Free Press ^ | 11/13/16 | Jeffrey A. Friedberg
    "You know, how Tony Soprano sez,... The Thing..." —SATIRE—In the service of ridiculing Democrats everywhere The phone rings; Donald picks up, looks at the I.D. photo on the screen, and says, “Barack, yo? How you doing?” “Uhhhh, Donald, hi, yes, it’s me, hi, hi—uhhhh, just checking in. How are you? Uhhh, how you doon, brah?” “Everything is cool as as a jool, here, brah. How you doon?”
  • France and Germany Rattled by Trump’s Election [semi-satire]

    11/13/2016 9:59:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 November 2016 | John Semmens
    French and German officials expressed concern over the election of Donald Trump as the next US president. French Foreign Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault called Trump’s triumph over Clinton “a shock to the system. Trump’s insistence that we must pay for our own defense is an unprecedented deviation from the post WWII consensus.” French President Francois Hollande, languishing with a pathetic 4% approval rating, feared that “the success of Mr. Trump may be a harbinger of a resurgent right-wing in France. If a nation with only a tiny fraction of Muslim immigrants installs Trump there would seem to be little chance of...
  • Democrats Seeking Scapegoat for Loss [semi-satire]

    11/12/2016 9:02:28 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 November 2016 | John Semmens
    Reeling from the shock of an unanticipated election defeat, Clinton Campaign chairman John Podesta, whose emails detailing rampant cheating and corruption by the Democratic National Committee and its chosen candidate were exposed by Wikileaks, blamed media bias in favor of Trump as "the main reason we lost. Their refusal to give adequate coverage to Trump's obvious unfitness combined with their unfair and relentless scrutiny of every little misstep made by Secretary Clinton poisoned her reputation was a stab in the back by people we thought we could trust." As an example of media bias, Podesta cited "the superficial attention given...
  • Trump Win Sparks Left-Wing Protests [semi-satire]

    11/11/2016 8:33:20 PM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 November 2016 | John Semmens
    Donald Trump's surprising upset win over his heavily favored Democratic rival Hillary Clinton has sparked disturbing responses from some of her supporters. In Oakland, California anti-Trump protesters battled with police and set a squad car on fire. In Los Angeles, a protester ominously predicted "there will be casualties...because people have to die to make a change in this world." In Portland, Oregon, rioters vandalized businesses. On Twitter the "hashtag" #assassinateTrump is trending. Kellyanne Conway, Trump's campaign manager, called on President Obama and Hillary Clinton to ask their supporters to refrain from violence. "We didn't see this kind of violent response...
  • Trump Offers Hillary Clinton A Key Role In His New Administration, (Satire)

    11/10/2016 2:41:16 PM PST · by Swordmaker · 7 replies
    Western Sentinel ^ | November 9, 2016 | by WS Staff Editor
    BREAKING: Trump Offers Hillary Clinton A Key Role In His New Administration, GOP ECSTATIC Over Appointment In an unprecedented move, newly elected GOP President Donald J. Trump has extended an olive branch to his Democratic opponent Hillary Clinton. After a brief discussion by phone this afternoon Trump said that he and Hillary had agreed that she would join his administration in January in a very important capacity. On September 10, 2017, Mrs. Clinton and her administrative assistants Huma Abedin-Weiner-Danger and John Podesta will be sent to the Middle East to fill a vacancy left by the Obama Administration. Clinton will...
  • Donald Trump Won Because of Facebook

    11/09/2016 1:41:47 PM PST · by nickcarraway · 60 replies
    New York Magazine ^ | November 9, 2016 | Max Read
    A close and — to pundits, journalists, and Democrats — unexpected victory like Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s is always overdetermined, and no one particular thing pushed Trump over the edge on Tuesday night. His chosen party’s lately increasing openness to explicit white nationalism, the still-recent global-scale failure of the liberal economic consensus, the apparently deep-seated misogyny and racism of the American electorate, Hillary Clinton’s multiple shortcomings as a candidate, or even the last-minute intervention of FBI director James Comey might each have been, on its own, sufficient to hand the election to a man who is, by any reckoning,...
  • DOD to Reform Army Recruitment [semi-satire]

    11/08/2016 7:29:56 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    This week Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter announced his "vision" for the Army of the future. As Carter sees it "the armed forces need to represent a better cross section of the population. Right now too many of our recruits are rednecks and gun nuts. As President Obama is fond of saying, 'this is not who we are as a country.'" In order to move toward a more representative mix in the US military Carter vows "to enlist more people with different lifestyles." The different lifestyles under consideration include the obese, drug addicts, transgenders, and single moms. "Excluding these different...
  • Early voting data shows World War I veterans overwhelmingly support Hillary Clinton

    11/07/2016 8:59:36 AM PST · by glorgau · 53 replies
    Duffel Blog ^ | Oct 28 1016 | Yossarian
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — With over seven million votes cast so far in the U.S. presidential election, early voting data is pointing to a tight race in most key battleground states. But there is one battleground upon which the Donald Trump campaign appears to be headed towards utter defeat: The fight for votes from World War I veterans. With at least 25,000 World War I veterans casting their votes thus far, the party affiliation breakdown of submitted ballots is suggesting a hard break towards the Clinton camp among veterans who fought in the Great War from 1914-1918, sources say. Some 98...
  • White House Happy with Brazile [semi-satire]

    11/07/2016 7:55:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Despite Wikileaks evidence showing that Donna Brazile helped Hillary Clinton cheat against rival Bernie Sanders during the Democratic primaries by covertly passing questions to her ahead of debates, Press Secretary-Josh Earnest maintains that she has President Obama’s full support as chairperson of the DNC. “The president is loyal to his friends,” Earnest insisted. “The fact that Donna has been fired by CNN for besmirching their integrity has only stiffened his resolve to stand by her. Look, what she did is no worse than a baseball team stealing another team’s signs. It’s all part of the game. It’s not her fault...
  • Wikileaks Expose Documents Showing "Intent" [semi-satire]

    11/06/2016 9:16:28 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    In July, FBI Director James Comey enumerated a list of crimes for which former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton could've been prosecuted if only there were evidence of "intent." He settled for labeling her deceptive practices regarding classified communications as "extraordinarily careless." This past week's Wikileaks document unveiling included two emails indicating that Clinton's henchmen were actively pursuing steps to hide her crimes. In one email, campaign chairman John Podesta says "we are going to have to dump all those emails." In another, Clinton aide Cheryl Mills orders technicians running the illegal email system to delete undesired emails with "Bleach...
  • Hillary's Unsecure Email System Breached [semi-satire]

    11/05/2016 10:04:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    FBI agents examining the trove of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's emails on a lap-top computer seized from sexter Anthony Weiner reportedly have discovered that the emails show signs of being hacked on multiple occasions. Among the suspected hackers are China, Germany, Russia and South Korea. Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook contends that "this proves what we've been saying all along. It's good that a source as reputable as the FBI has corroborated that it is the Russians who've been meddling in our election and why America's future security is dependent upon the election of a proven leader like...
  • Biden Says Hillary Faces Unfair "Double Standard" [semi-satire]

    11/04/2016 7:31:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Vice-President Joe Biden assailed what he says is an unfair "double standard" when it comes to judging Hillary Clinton's "authenticity and trustworthiness." "Look, when her husband was running for president voters overlooked the Whitewater scam and all the women he molested and let him be president," Biden remembered. "They lowered the bar for him. In a just world they'd give a similar pass to Hillary. But no, every little misstep is being held against her by a biased media aided and abetted by a rogue FBI." "They say she lies," Biden added. "What politician doesn't lie? Bill lied about Monica....
  • DEAD POOL DIVA: Huma Kept Those Hillary Emails FBI Found In A Folder Marked ‘Life Insurance’

    10/31/2016 3:10:51 PM PDT · by SkyPilot · 182 replies
    Before It's News ^ | 30 OCt 16 | Geoffrey Grider
    Did Huma steal those emails and then save them as life insurance to protect herself from joining the Clinton Dead Pool? Huma Abedin is no fool. She may be the closest aide to Hillary Clinton, but she also spent the last 20 years watching enemies of the Clinton Crime Family spontaneously commit suicide. So it is with great amusement but virtually no surprise that today we are finding out that the folder Huma kept those incriminating Hillary emails in was called ‘Life Insurance‘.
  • BREAKING - Clinton campaign Releases Picture of the alleged Russian Hacker!!

    10/31/2016 10:12:28 AM PDT · by tcrlaf · 83 replies
    TCRLAF | 10-31-2016 | tcrlaf
  • German Court Overturns Rape Conviction [semi-satire]

    10/31/2016 10:01:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Oct 2016 | John Semmens
    The Iraqi immigrant who raped a ten-year old boy in the changing area of a swimming pool in the Austrian capital of Vienna had his conviction overturned by the German Supreme Court this past week. The assailant, Amir A, had previously offered a “sexual emergency” argument in justification of the rape. “It had been more than four months since I had seen my wife and I had to receive sexual release for the sake of my health,” he claimed. The health of his victim was negatively impacted by the encounter. The child suffered severe anal injuries and is still plagued...
  • Martin Luther to be canonized

    10/30/2016 7:43:54 PM PDT · by fishtank · 62 replies
    Eccles and Bosco ^ | Oct. 16, 2016 | Mr. Eccles
    Sunday, 16 October 2016 Martin Luther to be canonized As part of the celebrations of the Reformation, and to mark his excellent relations with the Lutherans - "After all, they're far more Catholic than the German cardinals Kasper, Marx, and their cronies" - Pope Francis has agreed to canonize Martin Luther himself.
  • Dead Woman Walking (vanity)

    10/30/2016 3:15:45 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 56 replies
    10/30/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    Huma A. Weiner, dead woman walking. Huma had learned that with the Clintons an insurance policy was a must. The 650,000 emails were her insurance policy and retirement income program. Unlike Vince Foster, who had stupidly stored his insurance in his office safe which was retrieved before his body was cold, Huma hid her insurance where no one would suspect .... on the laptop she shared with her perv part-time husband. Unfortunately for Huma, her idiot husband managed to screw something other than a 15 year old ... the rest of her life. Seems like Huma A. Weiner best "make...
  • Breaking: Hillary throws Huma Abedin off her plane!

    10/30/2016 10:33:32 AM PDT · by COUNTrecount · 142 replies
    Red State Watcher ^ | October 29, 2016
    Huma Abedin has VOIDED her immunity deal with the FBI. This means she has to sing or face jail time. Hillary Clinton no longer wants her around. According to reporters on Hillary's campaign, Abedin is no longer sitting near the front cabin on her plane to Florida. She's no where to be found this morning. So sad.
  • ACLU Files to Force Catholic Hospitals to Sterilize Patients [semi-satire]

    10/30/2016 11:00:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Oct 2016 | John Semmens
    This week the American Civil Liberties Union filed a complaint with the Department of Health and Human Services Office for Civil Rights demanding that it force Catholic hospitals to sterilize patients. The complaint alleges that the refusal to provide a service the religiously supported hospitals deem a violation of their faith is unlawful discrimination against women. ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty asserted that "religious dogma must yield to the government's right to determine what kinds of medical procedures are essential human rights under the Affordable Care Act. The government represents everyone. The Catholic Church represents a minority. Clearly, democracy requires that...
  • Dem VP Candidate Says Hillary Will Seek Broader War-Making Powers [semi-satire]

    10/29/2016 1:12:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Oct 2016 | John Semmens
    In an appearance on the CNN program The Axe Files, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Tim Kaine (Va.) reassured David Axelrod, a former top adviser to President Obama, that “Secretary Clinton wants to unleash the president’s ability to move more quickly deploy military force against this nation’s enemies. The Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) that Congress passed to enable the Bush Administration to invade Afghanistan is too restrictive. The next president needs the authority to strike quickly without warning.” Kaine cited the current stalemate in Syria between US and Russian forces as an example of where broader presidential war-making...
  • Democrat Election Fraud Continues Across America [semi-satire]

    10/29/2016 11:15:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Oct 2016 | John Semmens
    In Florida, Gladys Coego, a temporary worker for the Miami-Dade County Elections Department, was caught altering mailed in ballots by coloring in "bubbles" that the original voter had left blank. Coego justified her effort "to salvage votes that otherwise would've gone to waste. If a person doesn't fully exercise their right to vote where's the harm in me finishing the job they left undone?" In a separate incident, Tomika Curgil was accused by the State Attorney's office of filing voter registration forms for five individuals without their consent, 17 additional forms for fictitious persons and several for persons recently deceased....
  • Renewed FBI Probe Riles Democrats [semi-satire]

    10/29/2016 3:39:33 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Oct 2016 | John Semmens
    This week FBI Director James Comey announced it might have to revisit the criminal investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's emails. "In the course of our investigation on another case we came across a device that held emails pertinent to our earlier probe of Secretary Clinton," Comey said in his letter to Congress. Coming on the heels of recent Wikileaks revelations of stunning examples of corruption and obstruction of justice in emails hacked from Hillary Clinton's campaign chairman John Podesta's computer, as well as Project Veritas' videos implication the Clinton campaign in dirty tricks and election fraud, the...
  • This. Cannot. Be. Happening.

    10/28/2016 6:18:27 PM PDT · by Trump20162020 · 109 replies
    The Washington Post ^ | October 28, 2016 | Alexandra Petri
    Hillary Clinton sits on her Throne of Power in the Fortress of Glass, glancing at the ceiling and sharpening her hammer. She has been starting to hope. Earlier today she sent out one or two emails to old friends in Washington intimating they should “get drinks when I’m back.” She has started to say “when” more than “if.” She keeps seeing the number “45” everywhere she looks — records, temperatures — and when she does, she smiles a little to herself, as if it’s an omen. At the back of her closet there is a checklist of Things To Accomplish...
  • World War I vets support Hillary Clinton (Satire)

    10/28/2016 7:52:08 AM PDT · by rey · 14 replies
    Duffleblog ^ | 28 Oct. 2016
    Early voting data shows World War I veterans overwhelmingly support Hillary Clinton WASHINGTON, D.C. — With over seven million votes cast so far in the U.S. presidential election, early voting data is pointing to a tight race in most key battleground states. But there is one battleground upon which the Donald Trump campaign appears to be headed towards utter defeat: The fight for votes from World War I veterans. With at least 25,000 World War I veterans casting their votes thus far, the party affiliation breakdown of submitted ballots is suggesting a hard break towards the Clinton camp among veterans...
  • How America Is Like A Bad Boyfriend

    10/26/2016 1:05:37 PM PDT · by Ulmius · 12 replies
    YouTube (CollegeHumor) ^ | December 4, 2014
    So a British chick is telling her to break up...
  • Administration Promises Saudis it Will “Fix” 9/11 Victims Law [semi-satire]

    10/25/2016 10:40:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Oct 2016 | John Semmens
    Still smarting from a Congressional override of his veto of the Justice Against Sponsors of Terrorism Act, a law that allows victims of the 9/11 jihadi attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon the right to sue foreign governments that aided the terrorists, President Obama has ordered Secretary of State John Kerry to work out a scheme with the government of Saudi Arabia to nullify the law. In a meeting held this week, Kerry assured Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir that “we will figure out how we can adjust the law in a way that is mutually satisfactory to...
  • Media Assails Trump’s “Wait and See” Stance on Election [semi-satire]

    10/24/2016 10:42:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Oct 2016 | John Semmens
    The broadcast news “talking heads” went into hysterics following Republican presidential contender Donald Trump’s refusal to automatically concede on election night if it looks like the votes go against him. On CNN, the commentators proclaimed Trump’s stance “a threat to our democracy.” All professed to have never heard such a statement at any previous presidential debate. Which is true because no other candidate was ever asked this question. Whether Trump might have good reason to wait until he sees the election results for himself seems to be supported by several facts. On the one hand, there have been a number...
  • Libertarian Bewails "Double Standard" [semi-satire]

    10/23/2016 4:35:03 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Oct 2016 | John Semmens
    Libertarian presidential candidate and former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson complained about the media's "double standard" after they ignored Hillary Clinton's geographic inaccuracy regarding Mosul while lampooning him as "an ignorant dope" when he failed to recognize "Aleppo." "I wasn't Secretary of State for four years like Hillary was," he pointed out. "I was peacefully minding my own business. Why should I be expected to know such minutia? But she is the one who supposed to be the world's smartest woman. She is the one who never ceases to remind us that she's got 30 years of experience in government....