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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Obama Passes Law BANNING FREE SPEECH: Media “No Longer Allowed To Name Mass Shooter”

    10/08/2015 2:13:36 PM PDT · by Nachum · 73 replies
    Pamela Geller ^ | 10/8/15 | Pamela Geller
    President Barack Obama held a press conference today to announce signing into law a bill that prevents U.S. media outlets from naming the shooting suspect in any of their news coverage. This is is tyranny. His illegally seized power cannot usurp our first amendment and the rights of the freedom of the press. For years Islamic supremacists like Ground Zero mosque imam Feisal Rauf and others demanded that the media stop reporting on jihad terror because it might cause “islamophobia” (euphemism for opposition to jihad terror). It was unthinkable before Obama. Now that they have their stooge in the White...

    10/07/2015 4:56:11 PM PDT · by entropy12 · 82 replies
    National Enquirer ^ | October 7, 2015 | Sharon Churcher
    Judging by White House wannabe Ben Carson’s track record as a neurosurgeon, his presidential campaign should be declared dead on arrival! In a bombshell investigation into his medical career, The National ENQUIRER has exclusively learned the now retired doc allegedly butchered one patient’s brain — and EVEN left a sponge in another’s skull! According to at least six malpractice lawsuits against Carson obtained by The ENQUIRER, the Republican candidate allegedly rushed patients into surgery, and brandished a scalpel like a meat cleaver!
  • Heroic Veteran From Oregon Shooting Just Glad He’s Not In VA Hospital (satire)

    10/06/2015 7:12:21 PM PDT · by rey · 21 replies
    Duffleblog ^ | 6 Oct, 2015
    PORTLAND, Ore. — Real-life hero and Army veteran Chris Mintz, who took seven gunshot wounds while protecting classmates at an Oregon college last week, says he considers himself truly blessed to get treatment in a civilian hospital. “As I got in the ambulance, I kept thinking to myself, ‘Dear God, please don’t let them take me to a VA hospital. I don’t want to die waiting for treatment,'” Mintz told reporters from his bedside at Mercy Medical Center, where nurses actually check on him periodically to ask whether he needs anything, such as a blanket or a snack from the...
  • This is how you get Democrats to agree gun ownership is a right...

    10/05/2015 2:45:39 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 6 replies
    American Irony ^ | 10-5-15 | The Looking Spoon
  • Planned Parenthood Denies Possibility of Abortion Survivors [semi-satire]

    10/05/2015 11:26:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Planned Parenthood’s chief executive officer Cecile Richards told Congressional investigators that she had never heard of such a thing as an “abortion survivor,” calling the concept “totally nonsensical.” “When a woman comes to us to terminate her pregnancy it would be a gross dereliction of duty if we were to permit a fetus to survive the procedure,” she said. “We take every conceivable precaution to ensure that this doesn’t happen.” One precaution that Richards touted as fool proof was the harvesting of organs from the fetus. “Once the fetus has been dismembered and the organs extracted there is no chance...
  • U.S. to Close Last Uranium Plant [semi-satire]

    10/04/2015 5:00:31 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has ordered the last remaining uranium processing facility in the United States to be closed. The final day of operations for the American Centrifuge project in Piketon, Ohio was September 30th. Rep. Brad Wenstrup (R-Ohio) was aghast. “This is beyond belief,” he asserted. “While this administration is green-lighting uranium enrichment in Iran and legitimizing 6,000 Iranian centrifuges, they’re shutting down our only domestic production facility here in America.” Secretary of State John Kerry belittled Wenstrup’s concern. “There are uranium processing facilities in Russia, France, the United Kingdom, Germany, and Holland,” Kerry said. “If we need any we...
  • NYC Honors Rosenburgs [semi-satire]

    10/04/2015 10:31:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The New York City Council took the occasion of the 100th anniversary of the birth of Ethel Rosenburg to honor her and her husband Julius for demonstrating “great bravery.” The Rosenburgs were executed for treason in 1953 after they were convicted of passing atom bomb secrets to the Soviet Union. Councilman Daniel Dromm (D-Queens) averred that “it took a lot of courage for the Rosenburgs to buck the anti-communist hysteria that was sweeping the nation during the post war period. From a parochial perspective, sharing the atom bomb appears traitorous. But from a more ecumenical standpoint it can be seen...
  • Kerry, Power Join Muslim Boycott of Netanyahu's UN Speech [semi-satire]

    10/03/2015 9:08:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    U.S. Secretary of State Kerry and the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power joined representatives of Muslim nations who walked out on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's speech. In his speech Netanyahu chastised the UN for its continued silence in the face of Iran's repeated threat to wipe Israel off the map. The Secretary characterized his actions as "simple common sense once you look at the numbers. Israel itself has about six million Jews. Worldwide there are maybe another six million. On the other hand, there are over a billion Muslims. Siding with the larger contingent is both...
  • ACLU Sues Catholic Hospitals [semi-satire]

    10/03/2015 10:51:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Catholic hospitals’ refusal to perform birth control services that run counter to the Church’s beliefs came under fire from the American Civil Liberties Union this week as it launched a lawsuit aimed at compelling these institutions to comply with federal policy on this subject. “We’re taking a stand today to fight for pregnant women who are denied potentially life-saving care because doctors are forced to follow religious directives rather than best medical practices,” Brooke Tucker, an ACLU attorney, said. “That the Catholic Church considers abortion and sterilization intrinsically evil must not be allowed to grant them an exemption from abiding...
  • Consensus for War with Russia Building [semi-satire]

    10/02/2015 3:03:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Russian intervention against opponents of the Assad government in Syria appears to have sparked a rising tide of bipartisan support for US countermeasures. Initially, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina called for the US to resist the Russian initiative by force if necessary. Determined not to be outflanked, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Fiorina by urging President Obama to establish a "no fly zone" over the rebel positions in order "to protect our investment in the anti-Assad rebels." Sen. John McCain (R-Az) reminded everyone that "I'm the only one who has met with these rebels. Though...
  • Close Call: The Secret Service Just Caught Him Trying To Pull His Own Head Off?

    10/01/2015 12:43:02 AM PDT · by wannabegeek · 18 replies ^ | September 15, 2015 |
     Looks like we narrowly avoided tragedy this morning. According to a White House press release, the Secret Service just discovered President Barack Obama trying to pull his own head off, but they managed to stop him before he succeeded. Wow. This could have been really bad.According to the White House, several Secret Service agents walked into the Lincoln Bedroom at approximately 6:45 a.m. and discovered President Obama standing alone in the middle of the room with his hands wrapped around his head and trying with considerable effort to remove it from his body.The agents who witnessed the scene said that...
  • Fun fact about Joe Biden, this really is his middle name...

    09/29/2015 3:24:19 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 18 replies
    American Irony ^ | 9-29-15 | The Looking Spoon
    See here.I'm going to be completely honest, I've lost track of how this will offend liberals. Is it sexist because I applied the female gender to the "ette" part of his middle name? Is it transphobic because he's wearing a skirt Is it ageist because Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder?" Or is it just plain offensive to acknowledge the existence of gender at all?
  • School District Bans “Tag” [semi-satire]

    09/29/2015 8:45:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    The Mercer Island School District in the State of Washington has barred students from playing the game of “tag” on school grounds or within eyesight of school personnel. Communications director Macy Grade described the ban as “an essential step to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.” In the game of “tag,” one child is designated as “it” until he or she can tag/touch another child and pass along the “it” status. Grade characterized the game as “potentially devastating to children’s self-esteem. First of all, the person who is ‘it’ is isolated and stigmatized. Second, all the other...
  • “Free Stuff” Gaffe Said to Doom Bush’s Candidacy [semi-satire]

    09/28/2015 9:41:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Republican presidential candidate former Florida Governor Jeb Bush faced a firestorm of criticism from the welfare lobby for asserting that his message of opportunity would win more Black votes than Democrats’ promises of more “free stuff.” Democratic presidential race front runner former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gloated over what she maintained “effectively ends his run for the nation’s top job. Bush’s pledge to preserve people’s opportunity to work their way up the ladder offers them nothing they couldn’t get on their own. What we offer is something in addition to what people can earn for themselves. Democrats are the...
  • Boehner Resignation Unleashes Cascade of Caterwauling [semi-satire]

    09/27/2015 9:53:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-Ohio) announcement that he is resigning from Congress effective October 30th was followed by a torrent of tears in Washington. Leading the sob fest, of course, was Boehner himself who lamented that “the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve shed for this country have gone unappreciated for too long.” As if to contradict Boehner’s lament, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised “Boehner’s cooperative approach to getting things done,” and expressed the hope that “a similarly motivated and compliant successor can be found.” A glum Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called the resignation “a serious setback for...
  • [Satire] Afghan Sex Slaves "Internal Matter," Says Administration

    09/25/2015 5:34:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Reports that US military personnel in Afghanistan have been ordered to ignore Afghan troops' "bachi bazi"—the ritual kidnapping, imprisonment and rape of child sex slaves was defended by the Obama Administration as "a necessary compromise in the war on terror." "The practice of holding and abusing under-aged boys as sex slaves is an ancient tradition in Afghanistan," US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter observed. "It is not our place to interfere." The Secretary drew a parallel with this country's alliance with the Soviet Union during World War II. "The Soviet Union was an oppressive tyranny run by a paranoid psychopath,"...
  • Headline: "VW Executives Endorse Carly Fiorina for President" [satire]

    09/24/2015 11:23:46 AM PDT · by logi_cal869 · 4 replies
    09/24/2015 | self
    Had a funny thought this morning...that is all.
  • Ex-Gov Gets Lifetime Pension for Four Months of Work [semi-satire]

    09/23/2015 11:56:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey (D) was awarded a lifetime pension after only four months on the job as an attorney for Hudson County. County spokesman James Kennelly sought to abate outrage from taxpayers and other county employees who must put in years of work to qualify for much smaller pensions. “Governor McGreevey brought a unique experience — an intense commitment to the job,” Kennelly argued. “His four months on the job is worth far more than decades put in by any other county employee. So, I don’t think there are any grounds for complaints.” Although he was unable...
  • Muslim Migrants Demand End to Oktoberfest [semi-satire]

    09/22/2015 4:49:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Muslim immigrants living in Germany are petitioning the government for a ban on the annual Oktoberfest. The 16-day festival held in Bavaria is viewed as anti-Muslim since one of its main activities is drinking beer. “We’re not against the Christians drinking alcohol in private,” petitioner Iham Faakhir. “But these public displays are an insult to our faith.” Faakhir portrayed his petition as “an act of restraint. For now we are abiding by the western political practice of peacefully asserting our demand. But the kafirs should not try our patience. Sharia law gives us the right to impose morality by force...
  • Obama Blames Hillary for Syria Fiasco [semi-satire]

    09/22/2015 11:37:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    The revelation that the millions the U.S. spent to train anti-Assad rebels in Syria has netted a total of five trained fighters has sparked criticism from even the most reliable of apologists for his regime: the New York Times. “By any reasonable standard, this is a pathetic return on our investment,” the Times editorialized. The Obama Administration, however, refused to accept responsibility. U.S. Press Secretary Josh Earnest strove to deflect blame by pointing out that “the president’s preference has always been to kill our country’s enemies via drone strikes. The decision to try to train local Syrian rebels was taken...
  • Obama Calls GOP Obstructionism America’s Biggest Threat [semi-satire]

    09/21/2015 11:48:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    In a speech before the Business Roundtable President Obama urged corporate leaders to lobby the Republican Congress and ask their representatives to support increased budgetary authority. “Republican propaganda would cast Chinese hackers, Russian military adventures, or Islamic terror as the gravest threats to our way of life,” the president said. “Don’t fall for it. Nothing is as great a threat as the possibility that the omnibus budget won’t be approved in time to avert a government shutdown.” While not totally dismissing these other dangers, Obama told the business leaders that “these are more distant and dissipated sources of trouble. Even...
  • Bananas- movie- Mad Dictator Scene

    09/21/2015 10:44:20 AM PDT · by John S Mosby · 15 replies
    You Tub-e ^ | 10/4/2011 | Bananas-the movie
    New info from Havana and the Pope's visit. New "freedoms" celebrated... and monitored as in every good socialist/marxist dictatorship. Have a laugh in the face of the serious happenings. "The official language of San Marcos (Cuba), will be Swedish. All citizens will be required to change their underwear on the 1/2 hour.....underwear to be worn on the outside, so we can check. Also, all children under 16 years old, are now... 16 years old". From the movie (woody allen's- his last worthwhile funny film from long ago-- considering what a perv he is) "Bananas"- appropriate with the shiite going on...
  • White House Justifies Inviting Critics of Catholic Doctrine to Meet Pope [semi-satire]

    09/21/2015 9:57:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    In what some are characterizing as a breach of diplomacy, President Obama has invited several prominent critics of Catholic doctrine to his meeting with Pope Francis. Among these controversial invitees are a pro-abortion nun, a transgender woman, a homosexual Episcopal bishop, and two Catholic homosexual activists. The intent of this affront says Press Secretary Josh Earnest “is to make the point that religious doctrine, just like Constitutional law, must evolve to meet evolving social customs and beliefs. High profile leaders like Pope Francis cannot afford to resist these trends if the Church hopes to stay relevant in the 21st century.”...
  • Bush Stood on Tiptoes to "Level the Playing Field" [semi-satire]

    09/20/2015 12:35:30 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Videos showing the 6 foot, three inch tall GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush oddly standing on tiptoes for the group photo prior to Wednesday night's debate has stimulated some ridicule of the candidate. This ridicule has prompted Bush campaign manager David Kochel to defend his man by claiming that "it was an effort to level the playing field. Carly Fiorina gets to boost her height by wearing high heels. Why shouldn't Jeb try to offset her unfair advantage by similarly elevating himself?" if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...,180701.0.html
  • McConnell Rejects House Plea for Majority Rule on Iran Deal [semi-satire]

    09/20/2015 10:04:14 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    A plea from 57 House Republican to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) to allow the Senate majority to vote on the Iran treaty fell on deaf ears. At issue is McConnell's refusal to bypass the filibuster of the Senate minority that is blocking a vote on the measure. Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas), spokesman for the 57 GOP House members emphasized that "voting on a matter as consequential as the Iran deal should take precedence over the preservation of a mere Senate rule." Although the Senate rule authorizing filibusters has no Constitutional or statutory basis, McConnell firmly rejected Smith's arguments....
  • Pelosi Says She Abhors Abortion [semi-satire]

    09/19/2015 10:08:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) maintains that she abhors abortion and defended federal funding for Planned Parenthood as "the surest path toward reducing its frequency in the future." "Each birth raises the population total," Pelosi said. "The more babies that are aborted today, the fewer we will have to abort in the future. By holding down the population now, we avert the burden of having to fund even more abortions in the next generation." The Congresswoman contrasted "my long view with the short-sightedness of today's knee-jerk opponents of sensible population control. I mean, isn't it obvious that a future...
  • Scientists Urge President to Prosecute Global Warming Skeptics [semi-satire]

    09/19/2015 12:09:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    A gaggle of university climatologists have written to President Obama and Attorney General Loretta Lynch urging them to prosecute people who continue to contradict the "scientific consensus" on climate change. Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) immediately endorsed the idea as "essential to our survival as a planet." "The freedom of people able to contradict the accepted science impedes the government from taking the steps necessary to combat dangerous climate change," Whitehouse contended. Paraphrasing a famous observation made by Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes for justifying suppression of free speech, the Senator averred that "allowing a person to deny the truth...
  • DOJ Declines to Pursue Email Controversy [semi-satire]

    09/15/2015 10:44:56 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    The Department of Justice says it will not pursue an investigation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email account for the transmission of classified government documents. “On paper it looks like Secretary Clinton broke the law,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch admitted. “Juxtaposed to this, however, we have to consider the fact that President Obama gave his permission for Mrs. Clinton to use her private email system. Since he is the superior and she is the subordinate she cannot be held liable for merely following orders. To do so would seriously degrade discipline, obedience, and loyalty...
  • U.S. Federal Government Program: Pay Minnesota Muslims Not To Kill People….

    09/15/2015 6:53:17 AM PDT · by Renkluaf · 25 replies
    The Conservative Treehouse ^ | 9/15/15 | Sundance
    The U.S. federal government is announcing a new program called CVE (Counter Violent Extremism) in Minneapolis Minnesota. Under the U.S. program, authorized by President Obama, Somali Muslims living in Minnesota will be paid not to go on terror rampages. or blow themselves up. …”Led by a taskforce of 15 Somali Americans and a traditional community grant-making organization, the Counter Violent Extremism (CVE) program is the brainchild of the chief federal prosecutor for Minnesota, Andrew Luger. […] The goal is to prevent youth recruitment by overseas extremist groups such as Isis or al-Shabaab”…. Any individual found engaged in an act of...
  • Mid-East Refugees Reject Billionaire’s Offer [semi-satire]

    09/14/2015 9:48:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    An Egyptian billionaire’s offer to buy a Mediterranean island for refugees from the war-torn Middle East region to inhabit and build a new country was not well received by the intended beneficiaries. “Building a new country is too much work,” complained Muhammad Moosheer. “Why can’t we go to countries that will give us food and houses? Why should we be denied the benefits that America or Germany grant to their people?” US President Obama agreed, calling the job of building a new country from the ground up “daunting. Frankly, the idea makes no sense. There’s no need to reinvent the...
  • White House Says Iran Deal Will Go into Effect Next Week [semi-satire]

    09/13/2015 7:07:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Dismissing Republican objections that he has failed to comply with the Corker-Cardin law’s requirement that all portions of the deal with Iran must be disclosed to Congress, President Obama proclaimed that the agreement will be implemented next week. “At this point, whether Congress goes along is a moot issue,” Obama declared. “The UN has already approved it. A lower authority cannot overrule this higher authority. Besides, the GOP can’t even get a Senate vote on a resolution to disapprove the deal anyway. So, there’s no way they’re going to stop me.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell concurred, saying that “President...
  • Administration Brushes Off Court Ruling [semi-satire]

    09/13/2015 9:17:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration brushed off U.S. District Court Judge Rosemary Collyer’s ruling that the GOP’s lawsuit against unappropriated spending for health care would proceed. In her decision, Collyer wrote that “the Constitution could not be more clear: ‘No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury but in consequence of Appropriations made by Law.’ Neither the president nor his officers can authorize appropriations; the assent of the House of Representatives is required before any public monies are spent.” “While the President is disappointed that this errant judge has aided and abetted a GOP political stunt, the ruling will have no impact...
  • Gov Brings Armed Guards to Anti-Gun Rally [semi-satire]

    09/12/2015 12:12:14 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe (D) brought his own armed guards to a Washington DC anti-gun rally sponsored by Michael Bloomberg’s anti-gun advocacy group Everytown for America. The Governor saw no irony or hypocrisy in his action. “First of all, DC is a very dangerous place with a high rate of gun related violence,” McAuliffe said. “It would be foolhardy for me to expose myself without having some sort of protection. Second, a governor is no ordinary, expendable average schmo. My elevated position of power makes me a target. I have a right to defend myself against anti-government radicals.” McAuliffe also...
  • Tearing Babies Apart Called “Humane” [semi-satire]

    09/12/2015 9:57:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    In testimony before the House Judiciary Committee, Priscilla Smith, a Director and Senior Fellow at the Program for the Study of Reproductive Justice at Yale Law School, maintained that dismemberment abortions are “humane.” The procedure entails gripping the child with medical instruments, twisting off limbs one-by-one until the baby bleeds to death and then crushing the head. Asked by Committee Chairman Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) whether such a “humane” procedure would be an appropriate method of executing convicted murderers, Ms. Smith said “no. Even if the condemned individual were sedated tearing him apart would be horrifically barbaric and messy. Rather...
  • Administration Doctoring ISIS Intel [semi-satire]

    09/11/2015 2:08:45 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    More than 50 analysts for the Defense Intelligence Agency have complained to the Department of Defense's Inspector General that their reports are being fraudulently altered by "higher ups." The gist of the alterations has been to make the Administration's war against terror appear more successful than it actually is. "For the most part our efforts against ISIS have been ineffective," said one analyst requesting anonymity. "Despite the drone strikes and the President's tough talk, ISIS continues to gain strength. They have seized the American-made weapons abandoned by an Iraqi Army unwilling to fight. ISIS atrocities remain unabated. There is no...
  • New Annulment Prime Offers 50% Off; Free Shipping [satire...I think]

    09/08/2015 5:25:08 PM PDT · by markomalley · 10 replies
    The Vatican announced today that it’s making faster, easier annulments an option via its brand new delivery system, Annulment Prime.The news confirms reports that surfaced last week indicating that the Vatican was staffing up a new “separation division” to compete with services offered by its protestant competitors.The service will give Annulment Prime members faster annulment options at a fraction of the cost. As an introductory offer, members who sign up to Annulment Prime in the next two days will receive a 30-day free trial. Members will also have access to annulment paperwork order-tracking, as well as the option to track...
  • Kerry Sees Lessons from WWII for Fight against Global Warming [semi-satire]

    09/08/2015 8:20:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry told attendees at the Global Leadership in the Arctic conference in Alaska that global warming presents a threat every bit as severe as World War II did 75 years ago. “World War II was the most disastrous event of the twentieth century,” Kerry said. “Over 50 million people died as a result. Global warming could easily top that toll. That is why it is imperative that the leaders of the world steel themselves for the hard choices they will have to make to combat this threat.” An example of the kind of hard choice...
  • Boehner Outraged over Mountain Name Change [semi-satire]

    09/07/2015 10:37:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    This week, President Obama announced he was using his executive authority to rename the nation’s tallest peak Mount Denali. The peak was named after former President William Mckinley by Congress in 1917. McKinley’s career of public service included a stint in the US House of Representatives, a term as Governor of Ohio, and a a bit more than one term as President from 1897 until he was assassinated in 1901 after being reelected in 1900. A red-faced House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) called President Obama’s unilateral decision to rename Mount McKinley “an outrage. It makes my blood boil. This mountain...
  • Clinton Apologizes for “People’s Confusion about My Emails” [semi-satire]

    09/06/2015 9:50:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 5 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    In yet another attempt to dampen the negative implications emanating from her 2009 decision to use a private email account for official State Department business, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was “sorry that people are so confused by the issue.” Clinton acknowledged that “the decision was not well thought out. I didn’t stop to think about the potential downside of using an unsecured network for the highly confidential messages my work would entail. I was too eager to dive into the much more important business of resolving the diplomatic mess left behind by...
  • [Satire] Poor Turnout for Screening of Planned Parenthood Videos

    09/05/2015 4:18:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    The Susan B. Anthony List invited 2,000 Democratic Congressional staffers to a screening of the undercover videos that have been released by the Center for Medical Progress. Only ten showed up. Only three would look at any of the videos. Only two unpaid interns watched all 90 minutes of tape. SBA President Marjorie Dannenfelser acknowledged that “viewing the horrors shown to be taking place at Planned Parenthood is difficult. Nevertheless, awareness of the enormity of the crimes being committed by this organization is an important step if we hope to end them. Abortionists in this country have murdered over 50...
  • [Satire] Judge Defends Jailing of Kentucky Clerk

    09/05/2015 8:26:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in shackles after U.S. District Judge David Bunning ordered her to be held in jail until she agrees to comply with his orders. Bunning justified the harsh treatment calling "contempt of court among the most serious offenses against the rule of law in this country. The humiliation of shackles and the open-ended nature of the incarceration is needed to strike fear into both Ms. Davis and others who night contemplate challenging our authority." The judge belittled Davis' contention that her natural right...
  • [Satire] Democrat Says Drop Benghazi Investigation

    09/05/2015 12:02:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Member of the House Select Committee on Benghazi Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) is calling for an end to the investigation. As Schiff sees it, "the hearings can serve no useful purpose. Closing them down will save the taxpayers' money." Schiff, who has attended only one of the Committee's 45 sessions, reasoned that "even if it is incontrovertibly proven that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was responsible for the lapses that resulted in the death of Ambassador Stevens and several others there is no remedy Congress can implement. The dead cannot be brought back to life. And Mrs. Clinton has...

    09/04/2015 6:22:52 PM PDT · by Kid Shelleen · 86 replies
    Breitbart ^ | 09/04/2015 | CHARLIE SPIERING
    White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest gave reporters who questioned him about President Obama’s reaction to the case: “I will just say on principle that the success of our democracy depends on the rule of law and there is no public official that is above the rule of law,” Earnest said. “Certainly not the President of the United States. But neither is the Rowan county clerk. That’s a principle that is enshrined in our Constitution and in our democracy.” Earnest admitted that he did not have a specific reaction about the case from President Obama, and pointed out that the...
  • [Satire] Obama Accuses Jeter of Cheating

    09/03/2015 5:48:38 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Aug 2015 | John Semmens
    President Barack Obama leveled cheating charges against former Yankee great Derek Jeter as the athlete easily beat him in a round of golf. Press Secretary Josh Earnest alleged that “the president’s prowess has been borne out in hundreds of rounds over the past six years where he has gone undefeated against every prior opponent. How likely is it that Jeter would be the only person to win against him?” Earnest brushed aside the possibility that a skilled professional athlete of Jeter’s caliber might have genuinely been a better golfer. “Let me point out that the president has more hours of...
  • Pamela Geller - Arrest Warrants For Assault, Terror, Hate Crimes (Satire)

    09/02/2015 8:38:41 AM PDT · by Reverend Saltine · 33 replies ^ | September 2, 2015 |
    Paramatta, AUS. by Cecil Throckmorton-Sykes, Neutral Liberal Journalist Shocking violations! Not only did an innocent, very well-dressed, inherently superior Muslima punch a male cop in the face, but when her cell phone was confiscated from its hiding place she justifiably shrieked at the female cop, “Don’t touch my phone, you’re a whore, you are Christian, you will burn in hell. You will be the first one in uniform to have your throat slit.” Naturally, to right this injustice to the sacred personage of the well-dressed Muslima, Magistrate Margaret “Maxi-Pads” McGlynn dropped the charges against her, even though not only had...
  • [Satire] Boehner Warns GOP Voters Against Cruz

    09/02/2015 8:34:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Aug 2015 | John Semmens
    House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) warned voters against falling for GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz’s “siren song of feel-good, but politically unviable policy prescriptions.” Boehner’s remarks came at a Colorado fund-raising event. “Securing the border, defunding Planned Parenthood, killing the deal with Iran may sound good to unsophisticated ears, but they aren’t going to go anywhere,” Boehner told wealthy donors. “President Obama is going to block all of these notions. If we follow Cruz we get nothing. If we go along with the President we stand a chance of getting a piece of the action.” The “piece of the...
  • Pope Francis Says Women Can Have Abortions During Year Of Mercy, MSNBC Reports [Satire]

    09/02/2015 2:03:10 AM PDT · by markomalley · 7 replies
    MSNBC ^ | 9/1/15
    Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will allow Roman Catholic women to have as many abortions as they want during the upcoming Holy Year of Mercy, MSNBC is reporting. According to MSNBC, Francis said that he will allow women the “discretion to absolve themselves of the venial sin of abortion if they had already procured one and had a contrite heart.” They also went on to report that Francis urged women who were wanting to procure an abortion to wait until the beginning of the Year of Mercy beginning December 8 so that they would “not need a contrite heart...
  • [Satire] Congresswoman Calls Fetal Parts Sales Humane and Life-Saving

    09/01/2015 8:49:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Aug 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) waded into the Planned Parenthood controversy and insisted that carving up the unborn for spare parts is both “humane and life-saving.” “First of all, what could be more humane than putting these unwanted creatures out of their misery?” the Congresswoman wondered. Saying that “I doubt that fetuses could feel pain, but even if they could the momentary pain of a medical instrument slicing the spinal cord has got to be far less painful than a lifetime of poverty and abuse as an unwanted child.” “Second, given that the law grants a woman the unrestricted right to...
  • [Satire] Administration Makes End Run Around 2nd Amendment

    08/31/2015 11:44:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Aug 2015 | John Semmens
    In a move said to side-step Constitutional impediments to reasonable gun control, US Secretary of State John Kerry signed on to a UN agreement establishing an international gun registry and controls over the sale and transport of “small arms.” “Every sensible effort to restrict access to guns in the United States has been blocked by court rulings citing the Second Amendment’s ‘right to bear arms,’” Kerry complained. “Well, the US Constitution doesn’t apply to the UN. It is not fettered by the kind of out-of-date notions that stymie policy in this country.” “While the gun extremists at the NRA may...
  • [Satire] Jeb Slams Asian Immigration

    08/30/2015 9:10:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Aug 2015 | John Semmens
    Hectored by Latino illegal immigrants for using the term “anchor baby,” GOP presidential candidate former Florida governor Jeb Bush contended that he was referring to Asian immigrants. “China and India are the real threat,” Bush maintained. “There are over a billion of each of them. That’s enough to totally overwhelm the 300 million Americans living in this country. There are only 125 million Mexicans. Even if every one of them migrated to the United States we’d still outnumber them by a wide margin.” The candidate went on to outline what he called “a strong plan to interdict illegal Asian immigration...