Free Republic

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President Trump became the first US president to participate in the annual March for Life where he declared January 22nd as "National Sanctity of Human Life Day" and vowed that "as president I will always defend the first right in our Declaration of Independence, the right to life. Every person — the born and unborn, the poor, the downcast, the disabled, the infirm, and the elderly — has inherent value. Our Nation proudly and strongly reaffirms our commitment to protect the precious gift of life at every stage, from conception to natural death." In addition to Trump's support for life,...

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good. The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site's catalog of hilarious, satirical articles.

Accosted by a voter who questioned her promise to cancel college debt, Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) rebuffed his contention that bailing out the debtors was unfair to people like himself who worked and saved to pay his children's college expenses. "Look, the fairest principle for organizing society is that each person should contribute according to his ability and each person should be rewarded according to his need," Warren asserted. "You were able to work two jobs and could afford to pay your kids' way. Not everyone has as much energy or willingness to sacrifice. These less able...

As he wrapped up his argument for convicting Trump and removing him from office, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) asked senators "to reflect on the damage he will do to our country if he is allowed to remain president. In the three years he's been in office he has disrupted so many long-held policies and trends that it is difficult to imagine the horror that awaits us if he is not stopped." "Look what he has done to our economy," Schiff urged. "Millions of people, many of them minorities, have been lured off of welfare into wage-slavery. Others have become millionaires...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Faced with the prospect of another drawn-out day of listening to fellow congresspeople drone on and on about impeachment, Republican senators donned their trusty googly-eye glasses in order to get a little shuteye. Senator Mitch McConnell distributed the glasses as the trial was called to order, letting the other Republican senators know that they could catch a solid eight hours of sleep behind the clever disguise. "Throw these bad boys on, and you'll look super interested -- maybe even a little too interested," a yawning McConnell said as he handed a pair to Ted Cruz. The previous day, Cruz...

Former Bill Clinton press secretary Joe Lockhart, a CNN analyst, apologized for making up a story about two Republican senators discussing the impeachment trial against President Donald Trump. Lockhart posted a fictional story on social media on Jan. 22 that included no disclaimer. The news analyst claimed that he overheard a conversation between two GOP senators who only watch Fox News. “‘Is this stuff real? I haven’t heard any of this before. I thought it was all about a server. If half the stuff Schiff is saying is true, we’re up [expletive] creek. Hope the White House has exculpatory evidence,”...

Addressing a crowd earlier this week, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez declared that Joseph Stalin was actually a conservative or at least a center-right kind of guy.

VALLEY OF ELAH—After local homegrown terrorist David slew Goliath with a fully automatic, high-capacity sling, Philistine activists began calling for common-sense bans on the dangerous weapons of mass destruction. "Nobody needs a sling that holds five rocks just to go hunting or protect their sheep," said one Philistine woman with pink hair and several face piercings. "This tragedy could have been avoided if only David were forced to use one of the old bolt-action model slings." Investigators believe the shepherd boy, radicalized by religious texts, built up an arsenal of approximately five hollow-point, armor-piercing rocks, "a deadly stockpile." "Can you...

Meghan Markle, an actress best known for her role on the USA network series Suits is now adding another role to her CV: deprogrammer. “Extracting a cult member is notoriously difficult, managing to do it after joining the cult itself is almost unheard of,” says cult expert Joanie Gorski. “This is one for the history books. Or at least several dozen podcasts.” The Cult of Windsor, which in its current form dates back to 1917, is known for being insular and territorial. Along with documented instances of incest and the grooming of teenage brides, accusations of pedophilia have also recently...

RICHMOND, VA—Governor Ralph Northam condemned the group of gun owners who assembled yesterday, calling the concept "simply un-American." "A militia assembling to defend their rights against tyranny is a dangerous first in American history," he said to a group of reporters, still teary-eyed from the tragic lack of violence at yesterday's rally. "This is not what America was founded on. It is not what our forefathers would have wanted." "This well-regulated militia having the right to bear arms is diametrically opposed to everything the Founding Fathers wanted for our country." The governor said that Washington, Jefferson, and "those other guys"...

Congresswoman Anne Kirkpatrick (D-AZ) says her recent injuries from a drunken collapse that will prevent her from appearing in Congress for a while should not be taken as a sign of unfitness for office. "First, let me point out that my office will be fully functional during my absence. All the hard work of researching issues, taking positions, and crafting public statements is done by my staff. They tell me what to think and how to vote. The formality of actually casting a vote can easily be done in absentia." "Second, let's not forget that a considerable portion of the...

Every election, The Babylon Bee editorial board sees fit to endorse the very best choice for the nation. In 2016, back before Seth Dillon bought the site and stopped us from doing Christian satire, we endorsed Kirk Cameron. In 2018, we endorsed the cast of The West Wing for Congress. This was ultimately a mistake because it turns out they are actors and not actual politicians. Oura culpa. This year, we are taking the unprecedented step of endorsing someone who's not even running: that lady who screamed during Trump's inauguration. We feel that this hopelessly triggered androgynous human yelling at...

The GAO and the CDC have issued emergency alerts today concerning Puerto Rico. The non-partisan GAO has notified Speaker Pelosi that President Trump has broken the law. GAO has learned that disaster aid appropriated for disaster supplies in 2017 for Puerto Rico Hurricane Maria still remains and is being currently used which is a violation of the law. Congress did not re-appropriate the relief nor authorize its use in subsequent disasters. President Trump broke the law by not sending federal troops to the island to seize and destroy the relief supplies in the beginning of fiscal year 2019. The CDC...

State Senator James Sanders (D-NYC) has introduced legislation that would require anyone seeking permission to own a gun to pass a mental health exam. If enacted, this law would impose up to seven years of prison for persons found in possession of a firearm without proof of passing a mental exam. Sanders touted his bill as "a fool proof method for disarming the public. The mere desire to own a gun is, in my opinion, a pretty convincing demonstration of lack of mental fitness. I believe most mental health professionals would agree with that. So, not only would applicants be...

ISRAEL—Archaeologists claim to have found King David's "Make Israel Great Again" hat. Scholars believe King David rose to power on a wave of populist sentiment after King Saul failed to deliver on his campaign promise of "Hope" and the disastrous implementation of his healthcare plan, "Saulcare." "King David gave big, rousing speeches to supporters, who all chanted 'Make Israel great again!' throughout his exciting rallies," said one researcher. "The masses had grown tired of King Saul's unfulfilled campaign promises, ballooning of the national debt, and unconstitutional drone war on the Philistines. They were looking for a normal politician who could...

Alleging that “racists” are not entitled to elect members of our government, Terry Smith, visiting professor at the University of Baltimore School of Law, says “ballots cast for racist candidates like Trump can be thrown out by the courts. We don’t allow racism to deny a person a job or a place to live. We shouldn’t allow racism to have a voice in deciding who will govern.” Smith brushed aside the difficulty of proving a ballot was cast with racist intention by pointing out that “there is wide agreement across the spectrum of media covering politics that Trump and, indeed,...

The fact that unemployment is at a 50-year low and the wages of employees have increased faster than the salaries of their bosses under the economic policies of the Trump Administration was roundly condemned by leading Democrats. “The working class has been a prime constituency of the Democratic Party for generations,” presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) said. “The initiation of economic policies that have generated raises for private sector employees are an encroachment on this long-standing relationship. There is no emotional bond between Republicans and the working class. They’re just appealing to selfishness in an underhanded bid to sever...

In a show of unity with President Trump's critics, the government of Iran took steps to ease the tensions initiated by his callous assassination of the world's foremost terrorist. The first of these steps entailed the arrest of the person who filmed their missile downing the Ukrainian passenger plane. Democratic presidential contender South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg praised "this positive step toward peace. The existence of this video only served to disparage the intentions and competence of the Iranian regime. While the arrest can't undo the damage done by this video it can send a message dissuading others from releasing...

Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY), characterized the case for removing Trump from office as "irrefutable. We heard from enough witnesses to prove the case beyond any doubt. That's why we insist that we should be allowed to call more witnesses at his trial in the Senate." Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) questioned Nadler's logic, asking "if the House heard enough from their witnesses to prove their case then shouldn't the transcript and arguments from their case managers be sufficient? In contrast to the last impeachment, the accused in this case was denied the opportunity...