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Keyword: satire

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  • CIA Operative Sent Back In Time To Stop Chris Tomlin From Messing With All The Hymns

    11/22/2017 1:14:51 PM PST · by fishtank · 8 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 11-20-17 | Babylon Bee
    CIA Operative Sent Back In Time To Stop Chris Tomlin From Messing With All The Hymns November 20, 2017 By: Babylon Bee UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, MD—In a dimly lit basement beneath the offices of one of America’s oldest churches, senior leaders representing denominations from all over the spectrum of Christian faith, in conjunction with the CIA, are making the final preparations before they send a highly-skilled time-traveling operative back to the year 1983 in an attempt to change the course of Chris Tomlin’s life, and the state of modern hymn singing forever.
  • Biden's Bizarre Gun Control Logic [semi-satire]

    11/22/2017 10:11:41 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    Despite the availability of an AR-15 to Stephen Willeford being a crucial factor that helped him bring and end to the Sutherland Springs, Texas church massacre, former Vice-President Joe Biden adamantly asserted that "this is the type of gun no one should be allowed to have." "I know some will argue that Willeford saved lives by shooting the guy who was killing dozens of people in that church," Biden acknowledged. "But we've got to look at the bigger picture and be willing to make the sacrifices that promote the greater good. If Willeford hadn't had the AR-15 the killer might've...
  • Dems Demand Free Abortions for Illegals [semi-satire]

    11/21/2017 9:50:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) and 15 other Democratic senators signed a letter to the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) assailing a Trump Administration policy denying illegal unaccompanied minors access to abortion. "Long ago the Supreme Court decreed that it is every woman's constitutional right to abort her unwanted child," the letter said. "The Administration's attempt to get around the Court's decree by asserting it doesn't apply to females in the country illegally is reprehensible. Their argument that providing free abortions to illegal immigrants would only encourage more illegal immigration is irrelevant. Providing a refuge for those seeking abortions...
  • Socialist Students Reject Food Drive Challenge [semi-satire]

    11/20/2017 10:28:00 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    At Kent State University in Ohio, two left-wing student clubs—the Young Democratic Socialists of America (YDSA) and the Socialist Collective (SC)–rejected a challenge from Young Americans for Liberty (YAL) and Turning Point USA (TPUSA) to see which organization could gather the most food for poor people in a campus-wide canned food drive. YDSA chapter co-chair, Ethan Comeriato, explained “While in the short run the food drive would benefit the public our participation would detract from our long-term goal of helping the poor through socialism. The flaw in all charitable giving is that the giver has the option to refuse. In...
  • Nation Approves Plan To Push Hollywood Into Pacific Ocean

    11/19/2017 9:03:46 PM PST · by Beowulf9 · 21 replies
    http://babylonbee.com ^ | November 16, 2017 | Unk
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new law passed by Congress and signed into law by President Trump Thursday approves a plan to push Hollywood into the Pacific Ocean, sources in Washington are reporting.
  • Dems Introduce Articles of Impeachment [semi-satire]

    11/19/2017 2:35:48 PM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    This week Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) introduced Articles of Impeachment against President Donald Trump, saying that “this usurper must be held accountable for his high crimes and misdemeanors before he drags the country into the hellish tyranny he has designed for America.” The list of offenses includes… “On election night in 2016, rather than gracefully and rightly conceding to the winner of the popular vote, Donald Trump exploited a the loophole of the Electoral College to unfairly declare himself president,” Cohen charged. “Millions were summarily disenfranchised. Women and minorities were especially hard hit.” “He continues to steadfastly refuse to release...
  • Senator Seeks Meeting with FBI Informant [semi-satire]

    11/19/2017 9:30:11 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    A lawyer representing Sen. Diane Feinstein (Calif)–the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee–requested the opportunity to meet privately with former FBI informant, William Campbell. Campbell helped the FBI chronicle bribery, kickbacks and money laundering connected to the Uranium One scandal. Victoria Toensing, Campbell’s attorney, agreed to meet, but questioned the time and location suggested by Feinstein’s lawyer, saying that “a midnight meeting at Fort Marcy Park strikes me as unusually inconvenient, probably unwise, and potentially dangerous.” Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), chairman of the Judiciary Committee, called Feinstein’s request “premature. Mr. Campbell will be testifying before the entire Committee. Every...
  • Update on Sexual Allegations Sweeping the Country [semi-satire]

    11/18/2017 1:57:06 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    The rising tide of allegations of sexual harassment that swept through Hollywood is now inundating politics and moistening persons of varying ideological proclivities. So far, eight women have accused Alabama Republican senatorial candidate Roy Moore of sexually inappropriate behavior dating back several decades. The most serious accusation alleging attempted rape was made by Beverly Young Nelson. The veracity of this allegation was cast into some doubt by Nelson's own lawyer—Gloria Allred—who refused to attest to the validity of the signed high school yearbook offered in support of Nelson's claim. As she told CNN's Wolf Blitzer "I haven't asked my client...
  • I Was Verbally Abused And Humiliated By My Army Drill Sergeant in 1969 (*SOB*)

    11/14/2017 8:09:48 PM PST · by PROCON · 136 replies
    Vanity | Nov. 14, 2017 | Vanity
    It's true, I can't believe I've held this incredible pain inside me for so long but I have to tell somebody how cruelly and unfairly I was treated, Oh so long ago.I was new to the Army, heading to Basic Training in 1969, wanting to make a difference and serve my country and America but what I encountered shook me to my very core.Me, a wide-eyed recruit, got off the bus at Fort Lewis Washington and was immediately yelled at and verbally abused by this looming, big, (and mean), Staff Sergeant named SSG Gritman.He singled me out immediately because he...
  • California NAACP Wants to Get Rid of the “Star Spangled Banner” [semi-satire]

    11/14/2017 10:12:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    The California chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is lobbying the State Legislature to remove the Star Spangled Banner as the country’s national anthem. California NAACP President Alice Huffman credited former National Football League player Colin Kaepernick with “drawing attention to just how racist, pro-slavery, anti-black the song is.” While the words of the song seem to focus on fighting for freedom, Huffman contended that “the opening line asking whether Jose can see both belittles the eyesight of our Latino friends and singles them out for unknown, but probably racist reasons.” Rep. Danny Davis (D-Ill)...
  • NYC Mayor Taunts ISIS [semi-satire]

    11/13/2017 9:06:33 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    Emboldened by his reelection with 70% of the vote, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio brazenly mocked Islamic terrorists calling the recent attack that killed eight people "feeble. There are more than eight million New Yorkers. It would take more than million attacks of the magnitude of that launched by Mr. Saipov to kill us all. Besides, five of the eight he killed were Argentinians—not New Yorkers, per se." "New Yorkers are resilient," the Mayor continued. "Common criminals murder 300 people a year in our city, but our citizens don't quake in fear because they know their government is...
  • Senator Reverses Herself on "Rigged Primary" Charge [semi-satire]

    11/12/2017 9:44:25 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    Last week Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) told CNN's Jake Tapper that the 2016 Democratic presidential primary was rigged to favor Hillary Clinton over her rival Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). This week she reversed herself saying that "I am persuaded that I was being manipulated into a false consciousness." The chief "persuader" according to Warren was none other than Hillary Clinton. "She reminded me that Bernie was the communist candidate and that the Russians would have had no incentive to rig the primaries against him," the Senator said. "Once their efforts to secure the nomination for their 'mole' fell through they...
  • Republicans Call for Moore to End Senate Run [semi-satire]

    11/11/2017 12:05:06 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    The Washington Post’s publication of allegations that Judge Roy Moore, the GOP candidate for Alabama’s open senate seat, made improper sexual advances toward teen-age women in 1979 sparked calls for him to exit the race. Sen. John McCain (R-Az) insisted that Moore “should immediately step aside and allow the people of Alabama to elect a candidate they can be proud of. The allegations alone are disqualifying. Even if they turn out to be untrue the Senate is no place for a man about whom such charges are reported in a highly respected media outlet like the Post.” Ironically, McCain was...
  • Senate Tax Legislation May Delay Corporate Tax Cut [semi-satire]

    11/10/2017 7:30:10 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concerns that the House proposal to make corporate tax cuts take place immediately "has sparked apprehension among our Democratic colleagues that such precipitous action would put their Party's candidates at an unfair disadvantage during the 2018 election. They fear that the repatriation of corporate money currently held outside the country that such a tax cut would initiate would lead to too big of an increase in investment and jobs and that it would essentially ensure a Republican sweep of all competitive races for House and Senate seats." "Rather than tilt the playing field against...
  • Antifa mix: Dumbass for Trump (barf)

    11/10/2017 12:06:36 AM PST · by Eleutheria5
    You Tube ^ | endtimes production
    The lead song in the mix is revealing, as well as the titles of the later selections, which I haven't listened through, but the titles are enough. Woody Guthrie, it seems, knew all about Trump even though he died while Donald was in knee pants.
  • NYC Jihadi Pleased with Himself [semi-satire]

    11/07/2017 9:54:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    New York City attack suspect Sayfullo Saipov professed himself “pleased with the outcome of my holy jihad against the unbelievers. I could have slain more if it hadn’t been for the interference of the bus and getting shot by the police, but eight is a respectable count. Luckily, one of those I killed was a Jew. I will get extra benefits in paradise for that. If every Muslim could slay as many unbelievers as I have all religions except for Islam would be erased from the Earth.” John Miller, deputy New York police commissioner for intelligence, said “Saipov appears to...
  • Commentary: Donald Trump is done

    11/06/2017 11:08:49 AM PST · by upchuck · 80 replies
    Chicago Trib ^ | Oct 30, 2017 | Garrison Keillor
    When his old campaign manager was indicted Monday, Mr. Trump called me on the phone, crying like a baby, and begged me to endorse him. I said, "You're already president, Mr. President. You were elected." He said, "I'd still like your endorsement." I have a recording of the phone call. It's so sad. Donald Trump is done. He couldn't get elected dogcatcher in New York, his hometown. I was very very nice about it. Very nice. But New Yorkers love dogs and he does not. There are 14 recorded instances of him kicking small dogs, and I have documentary proof...
  • Candidate Discovers She’s Black [semi-satire]

    11/06/2017 9:44:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    Noted Native-American fabulist Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made an early bid to lock up the Black vote for a prospective 2020 presidential run by discovering that in addition to being part Cherokee she is also part Black. “Just this last week I was told by a ninth cousin that our great-great-great grandmother was a slave who was serially raped by John Calhoun back in the 1850s and bore him more than a dozen children,” Warren told a Black audience earlier this week. “I am proud to say that I am one of the descendants of one of those children.” The...
  • Clinton Assails Trump’s ‘Lack of Empathy’

    11/05/2017 1:19:34 PM PST · by John Semmens · 33 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    Failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton lambasted President Donald Trump for his “lack of empathy” following the New York City terror attack that killed eight people. “Calling the unfortunate man who was driven to make this attack an ‘animal’ and demanding he face the death penalty was so cruel and callous,” the former Secretary of State asserted. “Where was the sympathy for a man wrested from his native Uzbekistan and thrust into an America teeming with the unbelievers that his faith commands him to kill?” She went on to contrast “Trump’s bloodthirsty desire for vengeance with the kindness and compassion shown...
  • Sessions Recuses Himself Again [semi-satire]

    11/04/2017 11:20:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    Attorney General Jeff Sessions told a small group of congressmen that he can't open an investigation nor name a special prosecutor to look into the corruption surrounding 2010's Uranium One deal because he has, once again, recused himself. As Sessions explained, "any person involved in any investigation must have no prior knowledge of the parties likely to be under scrutiny. Well, I have prior knowledge of Mrs. Clinton, President Obama, Robert Mueller, and James Comey—each of whom has fingerprints all over that uranium thing. You see, it's like a juror being discharged if he knows any of the participants in...