Free Republic

Self-professed democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani won the three-way race for New York City Mayor with more than 50% of the ballots cast. He called his victory "a clear mandate for my plan of reform. The majority of the people have endorsed increased taxes on the rich, freezing rents, establishing government-owned grocery stores, free and rapid bus service, and relentless opposition to the Trump tyranny." The mayor-elect mocked naysayers who predict his policies will wreck the city, saying that "these kinds of policies successfully transformed an agrarian Russia into a global colossus that won both the war against Hitler and the...

https://babylonbee.com/news/mamdani-assures-new-yorkers-theres-no-problem-too-large-for-government-to-make-worseNEW YORK, NY — In a celebratory speech following his historic win in New York City's mayoral election, Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani promised residents that there was no problem too large for government to make worse. "I want to speak to all the foreigners out there. Not the whites, the brown people," Mamdani said to raucous applause. "We will prove that there is no problem too large for government to make worse and no problem too small to stick our nose in." Making large problems worse was one of Mamdani's primary campaign promises, and he seems eager to deliver. Crime was...

https://babylonbee.com/news/liberals-trying-to-remember-what-they-were-mad-about-last-weekU.S. — According to sources, American liberals across the country were struggling to remember what they were so mad about last week.Liberals expressed doubt and confusion this week, admitting that they knew they were mad about something the previous week but just couldn't for the life of them figure out what it was. "Honestly, we're just mad all the time," confirmed Dana Beasley of California. "It could have been about anything.""Was it taxes? Maybe it was taxes. I mean, not getting taxed enough, obviously," said Chris Mathis, a lifelong Democrat. "I know I was really mad about something."Earlier this week...

PHOENIX, AZ — New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has officially been named this year's top U-Haul salesman, ending a record-breaking five-year streak from California Governor Gavin Newsom. U-Haul President Miguel Hall was proud to present the award to Mamdani in person during a small ceremony held at U-Haul headquarters. "Early reservations from our New York branches are through the roof. We're going to have to bring in trucks from New Jersey to supplement our dwindling supply. And it's all thanks to you!" Mamdani was noticeably touched to have had such a dramatic impact on U-Haul sales to the point...

https://babylonbee.com/news/with-cheney-dead-iraq-finally-admits-they-had-wmds-all-along BAGHDAD — Following the death of former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, Iraqi government officials finally admitted they actually did have weapons of mass destruction this whole time. "It is true," Iraqi Prime Minister Mohammed Shia al-Sudani told the press. "We have been having the weapons for all these many years. We were... how you say... just messing with you. Funny, yes?" Cheney and then-President George W. Bush launched an invasion of Iraq in 2003 based in part on intel about the Saddam Hussein regime producing and stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in the country. An extensive investigation later...

https://babylonbee.com/news/mamdani-moves-mayors-office-under-childrens-hospital NEW YORK CITY, NY — In his first official act as mayor-elect, Zohran Mamdani moved the mayor's office under a children's hospital. The mayor's office had been located at New York City Hall since 1812, but Mamdani was determined to relocate it when he learned it wasn't strategically positioned behind human shields. "This place doesn't meet our needs for a headquarters," he said, seemingly unaware that it was not American practice to line the walls with sick children. Voters were reportedly shocked to learn Mamdani had moved his office beneath a children's hospital, but were assured this was "perfectly...

https://babylonbee.com/news/christians-in-nigeria-disguise-themselves-as-palestinians-so-people-will-care-about-them-being-genocidedYELWATA — In a last-ditch effort to survive, Christians in Nigeria disguised themselves as Palestinians in hopes that people around the world would suddenly care about them being genocided. The oppressed and beleaguered followers of Christ reported that dressing up as Palestinian people was perhaps their last hope to get the attention of protesters, influencers, podcasters, news reporters, and Hollywood celebrities and make them care about their being eradicated by Islamic terrorists. "It would be great if this works," said one Christian man who feared for his life. "We're getting wiped out here, and nobody seems to notice. But we've...

RICHMOND, VA — As part of his staff's afterparty after winning election as Virginia's next Attorney General, Jay Jones's campaign sent out a celebratory text message threatening to kill everyone's children. Despite the scandal that erupted in recent weeks stemming from his controversial messages advocating for the killing of his political opponents and their children, Jones sailed to victory to land the AG slot, with his aides marking the occasion with another horrifying text threat. "Honored to be your next Attorney General and death to anyone who opposes me!" the text message read. "Though MAGA extremists tried as hard as...

NEW YORK, NY — In the wake of his overwhelming election win that signalled a dramatic political shift in the United States, New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani was reportedly horrified to wake up this morning and discover that he now had a job. The Ugandan-born socialist won a landslide victory on Tuesday over former Governor Andrew Cuomo, Republican Curtis Sliwa, and common sense, only to come to the stunning realization that he would now have to work. "I didn't think this through," Mamdani reportedly told one of his aides. "I was all excited about the campaign and wanted to...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the city's election of an avowed and unrepentant socialist, the U.S. State Department issued an immediate and urgent travel advisory for New York City. According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, New York City had become too dangerous for any casual tourists to visit. "As of this morning, the State Department has chosen to issue a 'Level 4: Do Not Travel' advisory for New York," Rubio said at a press conference. "Because of significant threats to life and limb, U.S. citizens are advised to avoid any non-essential and even most necessary travel to New York. Should...

https://babylonbee.com/news/snap-beneficiaries-wishing-there-were-some-way-they-could-trade-their-labor-and-services-for-money-to-buy-foodU.S. — With SNAP funding temporarily blocked, beneficiaries of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program are reportedly wishing there were some way to trade their labor and services for money to buy food."That would be really convenient," said Sarah Hartford, a divorced mother of two kids. "But I guess I'll just sit here and starve to death. There's literally no other way to make money.""If only there were some sort of social contract I could enter into where I complete certain tasks in exchange for money that I could then use to buy food," noted Antoine Davis, a 43-year-old bachelor. "If...

NEW YORK, NY — As residents of the Big Apple made their way to the polls today, New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani preemptively announced plans to blame racism after his policies fail. The overwhelming favorite to win the race, Mamdani made sure to prepare a foolproof fallback explanation that the failure of his progressive, socialist agenda was due entirely to Americans being racists. "It won't be my fault," Mamdani told a crowd of supporters and media at a final election day campaign rally. "If my plan to turn New York City into a miniature version of Venezuela mixed...

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY), former White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, former First Lady Hillary Clinton, former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton, and CBS late-night host Stephen Colbert have called President Trump's $250 million privately funded construction of a White House ballroom a "desecration of a historic structure." Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) has gone even further and is now telling prospective Democrat 2028 presidential candidates "don't even think of seeking the Democratic nomination for president unless you pledge to take a wrecking ball to the Trump Ballroom on DAY ONE of your presidential term on January 20, 2029." It's...

TORONTO — Following the team's devastating loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers in Game 7 of the 2025 World Series, the Canadian government announced that it had ordered the players from the Toronto Blue Jays to be euthanized. As is standard procedure in Canada, people who have outlived their usefulness and no longer provide the expected value to society are promptly scheduled to be exterminated. After failing to bring home a championship, the Blue Jays' roster was deemed to have reached the end of the line. "It's what's best for all parties," said Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney. "They had...

Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo overestimated his value to NYC when during a speech to elderly voters he threatened to move to Florida if he loses the mayoral election. "I have spent my adult life in public service to New York," he said. "I feel you owe me your vote. I'm the only one who can defeat the corrupt socialist who polls show will win if I don't. If you screw me over by voting for someone else, I'll return the favor by permanently relocating to Miami." After hearing Cuomo's speech, a Jewish voter from Brooklyn turned to his...

NEW YORK, NY — As the New York City mayoral race entered its final stretch before Tuesday's election, leading candidate Zohran Mamdani sought to broaden his appeal with undecided voters by promising to establish rent-free gulags throughout the city in which he would graciously imprison his political opponents and also everyone else. Mamdani made the announcement at a rally on Saturday while putting the finishing touches on his campaign to be elected mayor, assuring New York citizens that they would have equal opportunity to be placed in state-run gulags at no cost. "Every New Yorker has a right to...

Ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee Rep. Jim Himes (Conn) took issue with the Trump Administration policy of having the US Navy blow up drug smugglers boats, saying "Sen Graham (SC) and other Republicans say it's okay to kill suspected drug smugglers, just so long as the American public supports it. What will they say when President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez orders a strike on a MAGA demonstration or suppresses the speech of individuals who disagree with her policies? Do they really want to establish a precedent that the president can do whatever he or she wants?" "What precedent is he...

TORONTO — One of the largest and riskiest investments paid off late Saturday night, as the Los Angeles Dodgers successfully purchased their second World Series victory in as many years. The attempt to complete the purchase was put in jeopardy by the upstart Toronto Blue Jays, but the Dodgers' front office remained confident that their amazing achievement of spending more money than all the other teams would pay off. "Money well spent," said Dodgers Executive Vice President and General Manager Braqondon Gomes. "It looked a little touch-and-go there for a bit, but thankfully, all the hard work we put in...

Former Vice-President and unsuccessful Democrat nominee for president in 2024 Kamala Harris wants the voting age to be lowered from 18 years-old to six-years old. "Look, the children of today fear that climate change will wipe out their future," she said. "They will be the biggest victims of the catastrophic damage done by global warming. They should have a voice in choosing who will be making climate policy. The only way this can be accomplished is to enable them to cast ballots for the Democratic Party." "By the age of six most children are in school and learning to read,"...

Most Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) recipients recently got emails or texts warning them that their monthly SNAP payments would not be made for November because Congress hasn't approved them. A number of them have posted videos of themselves in which they threaten to steal food. "I'ma tell y'all straight up like this, I just got that text that the link is definitely cut the f–k off for November. Y'all better stay the f–k out of my way in these stores because I'm walking out with carts and I'm not paying for s–t," one posted on TikTok. Another said "you...