Keyword: satire

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  • Dem PAC Files Ethics Complaint [semi-satire]

    09/19/2017 10:54:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    The Democratic Coalition filed a complaint with the Office of Government Ethics alleging that Presidential Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders' suggestion that ESPN host Jemele Hill's tweet labeling the President "a white supremacist who has largely surrounded himself with other white supremacists" might be a "fireable offense," broke the law. Democratic Coalition chairman Jon Cooper insisted that "we cannot ignore the sinister implications of what the Trump Administration has done here. Mrs. Sanders contends she is entitled to express her opinion about the outrageous comments of Ms. Hill, but clearly her statement was intended to intimidate ESPN into firing one...
  • Sweden Adopts Stern Response to Country's Rape Epidemic [semi-satire]

    09/18/2017 10:42:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    Now that the influx of Muslim refugees into the country has catapulted Sweden to the top of the international heap when it comes to the crime of rape, government officials have determined it is time to take action. That action is the publication of a "sex guidebook" intended to convey a message to immigrants from Muslim countries that rape is wrong. Youth and Civil Affairs Authority Director General Lena Nyberg explained that "the issue seems to be one of culture shock for young Muslim males entering Swedish society. These refugees were raised in a culture that explicitly designates females as...
  • Weiner Pleads for Leniency [semi-satire]

    09/16/2017 10:41:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    Former congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) asked a Manhattan federal court to grant him leniency after his conviction for sending obscene emails and texts to an under-aged 15-year-old girl last year. Prosecutors are seeking a sentence of 21 to 27 months for a charge that carries a maximum of 10 years in prison. Weiner's lawyers argued that "the girl was the instigator of the crime. She preyed upon the weaknesses of a man who was widely known as a sex pervert. Now she's written a book and will profit from the experience. So, to say that she was an innocent victim...
  • Hillary Admits "Mistakes Made" [semi-satire]

    09/15/2017 11:06:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    One of the more bizarre revelations in Hillary Clinton's campaign autopsy book—What Happened—was her admission that she tried Voodoo, "but it didn't work. I had dolls of all the key players—Trump, Bannon, Limbaugh. I stuck them with pins like you're supposed to, but none of them even got sick, much less died." The former presidential candidate speculated that "some sort of Russian radiation or hypersonic interference may have short-circuited the effectiveness of this time-tested technique. I mean, it's not like I haven't successfully used this tool before. We made a lot of problems disappear when Bill was governor of Arkansas...
  • Dem Drafting Legislation to Crack Down on College Freedom of Speech [semi-satire]

    09/11/2017 11:10:56 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    Rep. Anthony Brown (D-Md) says he will introduce a bill that would require universities and colleges to define “acceptable speech” on campus. “On too many college campuses fresh-mouthed youths hide behind the First Amendment claiming that they have a right to air their unfiltered political views regardless of whether others might find them hurtful or outside the bounds of respectable opinion,” Brown said. “They openly flout the ‘free speech zone’ restrictions that school officials have imposed in an effort to protect students from hearing offensive remarks. We’ve got to put a muzzle on these free-speech abusers.” Brown’s proposed legislation would...
  • Justice Dept Declines to Press Charges Against IRS Official [semi-satire]

    09/10/2017 9:49:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    Assistant Attorney General Kevin Boyd announced that the Trump Administration will not be pursuing charges against former IRS executive Lois Lerner for discriminating against conservative organizations seeking tax-free status from the Agency. While conceding that Lerner's refusal to testify on the grounds it would be self-incriminating was, in effect a "smoking gun," Boyd insisted that "the prosecution of a government functionary for carrying out the wishes of the president would be excessively punitive and set a dangerous precedent. A person entering the ranks of an administration shouldn't have to be second-guessing every decision—is it right, is it wrong, is it...
  • "legends never die…Shawty Lo Forever."

    09/09/2017 5:15:07 PM PDT · by Eagles Field · 31 replies
    AJC ^ | Timeless | Consequences of Choices
    I wish I wasn’t the one to bring this tragedy to these vaulted pages amidst the litany of bad news we’ve huddled together against. I’m only the messenger of this giant’s downfall, who no doubt touched us all. Rapper Shawty Lo has died in a car accident in Atlanta. The 40-year-old rapper, born Carlos Walker, was ejected from his vehicle after he crashed into two trees on his way home from an Atlanta strip club. Walker leaves behind 11 children from 10 different mothers. He made headlines in 2013 when the television network Oxygen announced a special about the rapper...
  • More Comey Malpractice Unveiled [semi-satire]

    09/09/2017 2:38:55 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    On top of last week's revelation that former FBI Director James Comey drafted an exoneration memo for Hillary Clinton before more than a dozen witnesses had been interviewed, this week it was disclosed that the famous "30,000 missing emails" were in the possession of the National Security Agency (NSA). And, it turns out, Comey declined to accept the NSA's offer to provide him with copies. In defense of this refusal to receive evidence, Comey pointed out that "the decision not to prosecute Secretary Clinton was unanimous. As such, there was no reason to probe these emails. At best, we would...
  • Menendez Trial Raises Thorny Issues [semi-satire]

    09/09/2017 9:21:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) and his “campaign donor” Salomon Melgen are currently on trial for political corruption—the Senator for taking bribes and Melgren for paying them. Menendez argues that the “bribes” in exchange for pursuing legislation favorable to Melgren was “just ordinary politics—no worse than the actions of my many peers in Congress.” As a case in point, the Senator pointed out that “former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was able to fatten his bank account through ‘sweetheart’ real estate deals with one of his donors. And he inserted language in the Affordable Care Act in exchange for money...
  • Dems in 15 States Sue Over Trump DACA Action [semi-satire]

    09/08/2017 11:14:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    Democrat Attorney-Generals in 15 states plus the District of Columbia have filed suit against President Trump for his executive action overturning former President Obama's executive decree on Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA). Trump justified his countering executive decree by pointing out that Obama lacked the authority to unilaterally modify US immigration law. Trump's decree goes into effect in six months—a time span giving Congress the opportunity to handle the issue in a legal and constitutional fashion. Nonetheless, the suing AGs described Trump's action as "illegal" and "unfair." New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman cast Trump's argument that only Congress...
  • Southern Poverty Law Center classifies VFW and American Legion as hate groups (Satire

    09/06/2017 8:17:43 AM PDT · by rey · 8 replies
    Duffleblog ^ | 6 Sept. 2017 | Dick Scuttlebutt
    MONTGOMERY, Ala. — The Southern Poverty Law Center has announced it would include prominent American veterans’ organizations American Legion and Veterans of Foreign Wars in its listing of hate groups, sources confirmed today. In a written statement signed by SPLC President J. Richard Cohen, the organization said both the VFW and Legion were included since many of their members sympathize with radical, extreme-right-wing ideals such as freedom, safety, and family values. “I hate to criminalize a group of decorated war veterans,” Cohen said, from somewhere deep within a fog of pit sweat in his corporate think-tank steam room, where Sen....
  • Palestinian Leader Vows to Continue Paying Terrorists [semi-satire]

    09/04/2017 11:13:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 September 2017 | John Semmens
    Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas rebuffed requests from Trump Administration envoy Jared Kushner that his government stop using the foreign aid money the US has been sending him to pay bounties to terrorists for killing Jews. "The agreement we negotiated with President Obama attached no conditions on how we can use this money," Abbas said. "It is an insult that Mr. Trump would send his Jew son-in-law to try to renege on this prior arrangement. As Muslims, it is our religious obligation to kill the Jews and retake the land they stole from Allah. The demand that we cease fulfilling this...
  • Voice of America Expanded (satire)

    09/03/2017 6:36:31 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    3 September 2017 | RetiredTexasVet
    President Trump announced today that the Voice of America would be reinvigorated and expanded. The President noted that millions of people were living under oppressive governments and unaware of their God given rights. The program will use experts to present talks on Capitalism and the Constitution. Economists will explain how capitalism made our economy the best in the world. Supreme Court Justices, lawyers, historians, and other experts, that have read and understand the Constitution, will explain how the Constitution, with its checks and balances, separation of powers, bill of rights, etc. has allowed the US to be the most stable,...
  • AntiFa Movement Provokes Diverse Responses [semi-satire]

    09/03/2017 11:45:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 September 2017 | John Semmens
    The horde of black-clad and masked thugs that calls itself AntiFa has created a dilemma for the Democratic Party. On the one hand, the group's professed opposition to fascism is in line with typical Democratic Party rhetoric. On the other hand, their violent methods ironically mirror the methods used by Nazi Party goons in the streets of Germany in the years preceding Hitler's appointment as Chancellor in 1933. After a number of violent incidents in his city, Berkeley mayor Jesse Arreguin has argued that AntiFa be classified as a criminal gang and be prosecuted under the statutes applicable to the...
  • Evidence of Comey Perjury & Obstruction Emerges [semi-satire]

    09/02/2017 1:27:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 September 2017 | John Semmens
    Evidence that former FBI Director James Comey's testimony to a congressional committee may have been false and that his role in the investigation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's improper handling of classified emails might be better described as obstruction of justice emerged this week. Based on testimony from one of Comey's former staff members to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Subcommittee Chairman Lindsey Graham (R-SC) wrote a letter to the FBI requesting more information. "When Director Comey was before our committee he portrayed his decision to not pursue charges against Secretary Clinton as a...
  • Navy destroyer collides with building in downtown Houston [satire]

    08/29/2017 8:47:31 PM PDT · by rey · 93 replies
    Duffleblog ^ | 29 Aug 2017
    HOUSTON — As if the city of Houston hasn’t seen enough tragedy due to catastrophic flooding from Hurricane Harvey, things took a turn for the worse today after a U.S. Navy ship collided with a building in the downtown area. The ship was identified as an Arleigh Burke-class destroyer belonging to the Navy’s 7th Fleet. It was unclear why the destroyer was not able to see the building and take evasive action, or why it was over 20 miles inland and trying to navigate through a major metropolitan area. “I had climbed up on my roof due to dem risin’...
  • Study Shows More Registered Voters than Adult Citizens [semi-satire]

    08/29/2017 11:13:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 August 2017 | John Semmens
    Data from the U.S. Census Bureau analyzed by Judicial Watch's Election Integrity Project found that there are 3.5 million more registered voters in America than there are citizens if voting age. More than 40% of these "ghost voters" were found in two California counties—700,000 in Los Angeles County and 800,000 in San Diego County. Of course, not every citizen eligible to vote actually registers to vote. So, the potential over-registration is even larger than these figures imply. The potential for election fraud would seem to be huge. Nevertheless, Democrats adamantly deny that any significant fraud is taking place. The Brennan...
  • Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston To Pass Out Copies Of ‘Your Best Life Now’

    08/29/2017 9:37:20 AM PDT · by fungoking · 104 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 8/29/17 | Staff
    <p>HOUSTON, TX—Although Joel Osteen took flak over the weekend for closing up his church to flood victims and all but disappearing during the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, the megachurch pastor reportedly returned to the city on his luxury yacht “S.S. Blessed” to make amends Tuesday by tossing copies of Your Best Life Now to stranded flood survivors.</p>
  • Replace Mount Rushmore with these 4 men?

    08/29/2017 5:03:03 AM PDT · by rktman · 15 replies
    wnd.com ^ | 8/29/2017 | Mychal Massie
    Blacks and progressive bigots on both sides of the political aisle are quite proud of themselves in the weeks following the murder and mayhem that took place in Charlottesville, Virginia. This is because Charlottesville has instigated a full-blown movement to sanitize America’s landscape of any statue, plaque or memorial having anything to do with the South or the Civil War. In mockery of such stupidity, I ask not where does it stop, but rather, why not extend it to its illogical conclusion? Not wanting to miss any opportunity to foment skin-color-based discord, which is the viscous substance used to keep...
  • Germany to Remain Neutral in Possible US-NK War [semi-satire]

    08/28/2017 9:09:12 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 August 2017 | John Semmens
    Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany has told the US Government "not to count on Germany's support in any potential armed conflict with North Korea." "I don't see how Germany would gain from allying itself with the United States in such a conflict," Merkel said. "North Korea is far away and poses no direct threat to us. The United States' military would most likely crush the under-fed North Korean Army with ease. If the unimaginable happens and North Korea somehow wins, our stance of neutrality will reduce the incentive for them to turn on us." The Chancellor also admitted to an...