Free Republic

Step right up, insert a coin, and watch as Zoltar “Zohran” Mamdani dispense revolutionary wisdom. Living in his neon-lit political fortune booth on Fifth Avenue, the Marxist fortune teller peers into his subsidized crystal ball and explains the historical inevitability of communism, the coming of the Glorious World of Next Tuesday, and sells easily digestible fortune-cookie slogans.

Now that Trump has gotten the surviving Israeli hostages released and IDF troops withdrawn from Gaza, former Secretary of State Antony Blinken is complaining that he and former President Biden "are not getting a fair share of the credit for this achievement. We exerted continuous pressure on Israel for more than a year asking them to end the war by withdrawing from Gaza. Now after Trump spent a mere week on the problem Israel has withdrawn, the war is over, and the hostages have been released. Where is our Nobel Peace Prize?" Trump asserted that "the Biden-Blinken strategy was a...

People often mistake us for an official church ministry, so we get a lot of e-mails asking about sin. We usually ignore them, but not today! Join us as we exercise deep spiritual discernment to answer the following important questions: Bob from Toledo, OH: Q: I load the dishwasher from front to back. Is this a sin? A: Yes. Travis from Rancho Cucamonga, CA: Q: I like the Dodgers. Is this sinful? A: Yes. Donald from D.C.: Q: I cheated on my wife with an adult film star. Is that a sin? A: No. That's fine. Steve from Cedar...

SACRAMENTO, CA — In a historic move, California's famous black bears, in cooperation with the NAACP, met on the steps of the state capitol to demand that they now be referred to as "Bears of Color." "For too long our people have suffered with this outdated and harmful epitaph," a spokesbear told reporters gathered at a press conference. "This is not the name we chose for ourselves. We demand to be called Bears of Color from now on." Gathered members of the press looked on in confusion as a coalition of bears took turns at the microphone, explaining their...

SAN DIMAS, CA — A group of bored high school students asked their chemistry teacher this week when he was going to teach them how to cook meth and go on crazy adventures in an RV. The group peppered teacher William Wright with questions about how to cook "really pure crytal meth" and "when the actual fun part of chemistry was going to start, with the drug cartels and feds and whatever." "I'll be honest, I had no idea what these kids were talking about," Wright told reporters. "I don't know where they would get such wild ideas, but...

This idiotic statement was made by CNN anchor Christiane Amanpour. "The hostages were a key bargaining chip of Hamas in the peace negotiations," she said. "So, I'm sure they were better fed and cared for than the average inhabitant of Gaza. None of them had to worry about whether aid would get through to them. On the other hand, the latest data released by the Palestinian Ministry of Health says Israel's military killed 67,173 killed Gazans, including 20,179 children." On October 7, 2023 Hamas took 251 hostages. This week they released the 20 who survived captivity. This amounts to a...

LOS ANGELOS, CA — A local homeless man reported over the weekend that he had been made fun of by all of the other homeless men for not having an iPhone 17. According to witnesses, transient Ralph Nichols was brutally mocked by his fellow hobos for not having the latest iPhone like everyone else. "Hey guys, check out the loser bum over here who doesn't even have a 17!" one disheveled man allegedly said. "I bet he still goes to the library to use the computers all day instead of getting a free government handout to buy one for...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Trump administration officials announced on Monday that renovations on the White House Throne Room have been completed. According to sources, the new throne room had undergone extensive remodeling to reflect President Donald Trump's increased monarchic power and bring greater honor and prestige to his historic reign over the nation. "It is now truly fitting for a king," Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt reported. "The White House Throne Room has been retrofitted with golden accents, a diamond encrusted gold throne, and a mural depicting President Trump on a horse rampaging through a peaceful protest." Though most Americans were unaware,...

Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson cited the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) to support her contention that "gerrymandering congressional districts to ensure that there are more majority Black districts is constitutional. Mental ability statistics show that, as a race, Blacks have a lower IQ than any other race. The only way they can be fairly represented in Congress is if they can have districts where their mental disability is out-weighed by greater numbers of Black voters." Chief Justice John Roberts said "I have long held that the only way to end racial discrimination is to stop using race as...

In a bizarre display of intergenerational opportunism, Medicare Supplemental Insurance salesman Jerry Jenkins has been raking in the dough by targeting the unlikeliest of demographics: Baby Boomers participating in the No Kings Day protests against Trump's alleged authoritarianism. Yes, you read that right-Boomers, armed with inflatable unicorns and "America Has No Kings" signs, are storming the streets, and Jenkins is right behind them, clipboard in hand. "I mean, who better to sell to than people already primed to trust the government?" Jenkins mused, adjusting his plaid suit. "They're like, 'We need to protect democracy-oh, and also my Medicare benefits!' I'm...

ATHENS — Activist Greta Thunberg told reporters today that Israel put a noose on her, dumped bleach on her hair, and shouted, "This is bagel country!" Thunberg stated the assailants wore masks to hide their identity, but had on giant shtreimels and kept shouting "Oy vey" to intimidate her. "I literally thought I was going to die," said Thunberg. "They threw bagels at me and shouted 'Take that, gentile!' The bagels even had schmear. And then they smacked me in the face with a pastrami sandwich and said 'This is kosher country!'" Israel has denied the accusations, stating that...

Speaking at a NewsNation town hall meeting, Sen. John Fetterman (D-Pa) disagreed with Democrats who call Trump and those who voted for him fascists, saying "I'm the only Democrat in my family. I grew up in a conservative part of Pennsylvania. I know and I love people who voted for President Trump. But they are not fascists, they are not Nazis, they are not trying to destroy the constitution or democracy." He went on to caution "against inciting violence against our political opponents. The whole point of having democracy and constitutions is to replace the ancient method of allowing the...

This week, former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) told LindellTV reporter Alison Steinberg to "shut up." The incident occurred as she was being assisted in her efforts to navigate the stairs to the Capitol building in DC. "I could've been seriously injured or killed!" Pelosi contended. "I have a right to walk without being accosted by unwanted questions." "I was only trying to get Speaker Pelosi's response to Republican assertions that she was at least partially to blame for the disorder at the Capitol on January 6, 2021," Steinberg said. "Former Capitol Police Chief Steven Sund...

Grievously irked by the Trump Administration's efforts to enforce immigration laws in his state Gov. JB Pritzker (D-Ill) vows "I will prosecute each and every one of the federal officers--the ICE agents, the FBI agents, the National Guard troops, the Department of Justice attorneys, and whoever else may be in anyway involved in the current terrorist attack by federal agents against immigrants in my state. The crimes they are committing now will be punished when Trump's tyranny ends with my election as president in the 2028 election." "I have spoken with Illinois Attorney General Kwame Raoul and other Democratic officials...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was reportedly invited to an official meeting in the Oval Office today after President Trump spotted him climbing a sycamore tree outside the White House just to see him. According to sources, Zelenskyy was trying to see Trump, and he was unable to do so not only because of the press pool surrounding him, but also because he was short in stature. So he ran on ahead and climbed up a sycamore tree in the South Lawn of the White House to see him, for he was to pass that way. Witnesses...

U.S. — Airline passengers of the world could finally breathe a sigh of relief, as all major airlines have introduced ejection seats for people who have loud conversations. According to representatives from Delta, Southwest, United, Spirit, Frontier, and Canada Air, all commercial aircraft were being retrofitted with ejection seats to get rid of irritating, inconsiderate jerks who have loud conversations when you're trying to sleep. "It's a huge step forward in customer satisfaction," said airline spokesman Bob Jet. "People love it. Just one syllable above a certain noise threshold, and — FWOOOSH — your irritating neighbor will be going...

GAZA — Day-to-day life in the terrorist occupied area of Gaza settled back into its normal pre-war routine, as with Israel's withdrawal to comply with the ceasefire agreement, Hamas was finally able to conduct public executions in peace. After two years of brutal conflict with Israeli forces, Hamas terrorists expressed relief that the peace deal brokered by President Donald Trump allowed them to get back to business as usual and handle the murdering Gazans themselves. "Like slipping into a comfortable pair of old shoes," said spokesterrorist Amal Qadir. "It's been a long time since we were able to enjoy...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson claimed in court today that all black people are mentally disabled, Justice Clarence Thomas gently informed her that it's actually just her. Not wanting to embarrass Jackson in front of the rest of the court, Justice Thomas waited until a brief recess to explain. "I don't know how to say this best, Ketanji, but not all black people are mentally disabled. It's just you," said Thomas. "You having an exceptionally low IQ has absolutely nothing to do with your skin color, Ketanji. You're just an idiot. I know this is hard for...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Trump continues brokering peace deals across the globe, Democrats warned that we are now further away from World War III than ever before. According to Senator Chuck Schumer, the distance between the world and a new global war is widening at an alarming rate. "If Trump isn't stopped, it's possible that we even might not see a humanity-threatening war in our children's lifetimes," Schumer told reporters, eyes wide in alarm. "Trump's peace-mongering puts our entire nation at risk of not being plunged into a nuclear holocaust. Someone must stop this madman, and soon." Noted...

In Euless, Texas, three Muslims have been charged vandalizing a church in 2023. One of them is Raunaq Alam who claimed that he was merely exercising his First Amendment rights. He pointed out that "the church had raised an Israeli flag they claimed was a show of solidarity with the victims of the October 7 massacre. My spray painting 'f*** Israel' and putting Hamas stickers on the outside of the building was my rebuttal. I admit that they may have considered my rebuttal offensive, but their message was offensive to my religion. Allah commands us to slay the Jews. October...