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Keyword: satire

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  • Tech Rivals Tout Surveillance Visions [semi-satire]

    04/24/2018 10:34:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Apr 2018 | John Semmens
    Facebook Deputy Chief Privacy Officer Rob Sherman boasted that his firm “will force users to accept being tracked everywhere they go. That’s just the way it is. This decision was not made in the interest of the users of Facebook, but explicitly to ensure maximum profits for the company. Our business model is based on inducing our users to freely provide us detailed personal information, which we then sell to the highest bidders. It’s a virtual license to print money. Why should we stop?” Sherman dismissed the possibility that customers would be turned off by FaceBook’s pervasive invasion of privacy....
  • Nation Patiently Awaits GQ Article Calling Koran Overrated

    04/23/2018 9:04:15 PM PDT · by Ciaphas Cain · 15 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | April 23, 2018
    U.S.—After revered men’s fashion magazine GQ published an article claiming the Bible was overrated, the nation began patiently waiting for the publication to claim the same for the Koran or other religious texts, sources confirmed Monday.Upon learning of the mag’s recent criticism of the Bible, the nation collectively refreshed GQ’s website and scanned for information on its upcoming issue to determine when the follow-up article criticizing the Koran the team is definitely working on would be published. “Any second now, they’ll come through,” Andy Paulson, 32, said in an interview. “Any magazine bold enough to call out Christians’ sacred texts...
  • Brown Vows Revenge on Anti-Sanctuary Cities [semi-satire]

    04/23/2018 10:19:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Apr 2018 | John Semmens
    Now that the second largest county in California has joined a growing list of cities opposing the state’s sanctuary policies, an irate Gov. Jerry Brown (D) has vowed “to take vengeance on these lowlifes.” The spark provoking this promise came when the San Diego County Board of Supervisors voted to direct the county attorney to file a friend-of-the-court brief supporting the Trump Administration’s lawsuit against the state’s attempt to flout federal immigration laws. “If these people thought they’ve had it tough before paying for the medical, education, and welfare needs of our undocumented immigrants, I want them to know that...
  • McCabe Sues Trump for "Wrongful Termination" [semi-satire]

    04/22/2018 10:04:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Apr 2018 | John Semmens
    Fired for “lack of candor,” former deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe is set to sue the Trump administration for “wrongful termination.” Michael Bromwich, McCabe’s lawyer, cited former FBI Director James Comey’s book—A Hired Loyalty—as confirmation that “my client getting fired for lying contradicts the Agency’s ethical standards so clearly laid out by Mr. Comey.” In his book and interviews since its publication, Comey has admitted “lying when circumstances require it. Everyone in the DOJ has lied when necessary to nail a criminal for which we lacked the evidence to prosecute or to protect confidential sources. Take current Special Counsel Bob...
  • NY Guv Has Identity Crisis [semi-satire]

    04/21/2018 12:20:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Apr 2018 | John Semmens
    Nervous that left-wing loon and former "Sex and the City" star Cynthia Nixon will oust him in the Democratic primary this coming September, Gov. Andrew Cuomo is trying to convince voters that he is all things to all people. In saner eras, the standard Democratic ploy was to promise an array of government-funded goodies to constituents. Now, though, Cuomo seems determined to persuade the gullible that he is "a Muslim, a Jew, a gay, a woman, a transgender, a criminal, an undocumented immigrant—I am every person, except a straight white male, and am the most perfect candidate to represent this...
  • Dems Sue Trump for "Wrongful Election Victory" [semi-satire]

    04/20/2018 5:54:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Apr 2018 | John Semmens
    Unsatisfied with the lack of results from Special Counsel Robert Mueller's year-long investigation of Trump-Russia collusion to steal the 2016 presidential election from Hillary Clinton, the Democratic National Committee filed a lawsuit demanding billions of dollars in damages and a "rectification" of the election results. In addition to Trump, the suit also named Russia and Wikileaks as co-conspirators in what DNC Chairman Tom Perez called "an act of unimaginable treachery." While not part of the suit, per se, Perez expressed "our profound disappointment with the actions of our government. We counted on them to prevent the election of Trump as...
  • Planned Parenthood Calls Legislation Racist [semi-satire]

    04/17/2018 11:52:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Planned Parenthood complained that two new laws enacted in Tennessee to deny tax payer funding for abortions "hurt women of color." Sarah Wallet, the medical director for Planned Parenthood of Greater Memphis, asserted "this legislation is racist. Women of color are especially dependent on government funding for their abortions. To deny them access to public monies for this purpose does them irreparable harm." Though the legislation does not block abortions financed by organizations or individuals using non-government sources of funding, Wallet was still adamant in her objections. "The original mission of Planned Parenthood as envisioned by founder Margaret Sanger was...
  • Economy Continues to Be Battered by Tax Cut Law [semi-satire]

    04/16/2018 11:03:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    News that US corporations expect the recently completed first quarter of 2018 to be the “best ever” has reignited Democrat promises to repeal the tax cut enacted late last year. Vermont Socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders called the news “supremely depressing. To think that a democratically elected legislature could take such a heartless action to endorse the heightened expropriation of the surplus value of labor that Marx demonstrated is owed to the working class is shameful. It is essential that voters elect a socialist majority this Fall so Congress can repeal this abomination.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pledged “to...
  • Comey’s ‘Tell All’ Book Published [semi-satire]

    04/15/2018 6:02:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    The “tell all” book written by James Comey, the FBI Director fired by Trump on the advice of FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein in May of 2017, was released to reviewers this week and will be released to the general public next week. In sum, the book tries to make the case that Trump is “unfit to govern.” “What most people don’t realize is that Trump is much shorter than me,” the Ex-FBI Director wrote. “I’m 6′ 8” and he is only 6′ 3”. That’s a whole five inches shorter. And that’s not his only five-inch shortage. I peeked in...
  • FaceBook CEO Testifies, Apologizes to Congress [semi-satire]

    04/14/2018 10:06:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    FaceBook CEO Mark Zuckerberg underwent two days of interrogation before members of the House and Senate looking into his firm's invasion of privacy and political misuse of personal information. The tech wiz apologized for "allowing this information to fall into the wrong hands" and vowed to "introduce procedures to prevent any recurrence of the tragic event that befell the nation on November 8th 2016." In an effort to persuade members of Congress that "we are on the case," Zuckerberg cited a couple of recent measures he said "will hopefully purge dangerous content from using FaceBook to promote antisocial attitudes and...
  • ACLU Praises Breach of "Attorney Client Privilege" [semi-satire]

    04/14/2018 12:29:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    This week in an unprecedented move, Special Counsel Robert Mueller engineered a raid on President Trump's long-time lawyer Michael Cohen that seized all of his files and documents. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) lauded this piercing of the President's and Cohen Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights against unreasonable searches and denial of due process, calling them "warranted exceptions." As ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty explained "the Bill of Rights is intended to protect innocent people from tyrannical abuses. In this case, everyone agrees that Trump and his associates are 'bad hombres' and as such, not entitled to any rights that...
  • Zuckerberg Loses Contact Lens During Senate Hearing Revealing Horrifying Lizard Eye

    04/12/2018 2:29:07 AM PDT · by vannrox · 17 replies
    babylonbee ^ | April 10, 2018 | Mark Zuckerberg
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—During his much-publicized appearance before a bipartisan Senate committee Tuesday, the false, humanlike contact lens Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had placed over his left eye accidentally fell out, revealing the horrifying yellow lizard eye lying underneath. “Senator, I don’t have that information with me right now,” the tech billionaire said for the seven hundredth time just before the incident. As he moved to take a drink of water to appear like a real human who thirsts, the faux human-eye lens fell out of his eye socket and the awful, piercing alien eyeball underneath quickly focused on the Senator questioning...
  • Zuckerberg Loses Contact Lens During Senate Hearing Revealing Horrifying Lizard Eye

    04/11/2018 7:34:22 AM PDT · by savedbygrace · 26 replies
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—During his much-publicized appearance before a bipartisan Senate committee Tuesday, the false, humanlike contact lens Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had placed over his left eye accidentally fell out, revealing the horrifying yellow lizard eye lying underneath. “Senator, I don’t have that information with me right now,” the tech billionaire said for the seven hundredth time just before the incident. As he moved to take a drink of water to appear like a real human who thirsts, the faux human-eye lens fell out of his eye socket and the awful, piercing alien eyeball underneath quickly focused on the Senator questioning...
  • Facebook Staffers Coach Mark Zuckerberg On Humanlike Behavior Ahead Of Congressional Testimony

    04/10/2018 9:52:56 AM PDT · by fishtank · 20 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 4-9-18 | B. Bee
    Facebook Staffers Coach Mark Zuckerberg On Humanlike Behavior Ahead Of Congressional Testimony April 9, 2018 MENLO PARK, CA—According to sources from within Facebook headquarters, interns and staffers at the social network were training Mark Zuckerberg on how to act human ahead of his expected congressional testimony this week.
  • [satire] Toddler Brandishing Play-Doh Pocketknife Apprehended By UK Police

    04/09/2018 8:16:21 PM PDT · by Ciaphas Cain · 28 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | April 9, 2018
    LONDON—A “potentially dangerous situation” was defused by London police Monday morning, as a toddler cutting Play-Doh with a toy plastic pocketknife was tackled to the ground and apprehended by a Specialist Firearms Command unit, sources confirmed at the scene. The toddler was happily cutting a lump of green-ish Play-Doh with his official Play-Doh pocketknife in his mum’s London flat when a Metro Police unit kicked his door down and charged in, bellowing for everyone to get down on the ground. Several other operatives dove through windows and rappelled from skylights, tossing tear gas and breaching doors throughout the home...
  • In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands

    04/09/2018 1:46:13 PM PDT · by Ciaphas Cain · 27 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | April 9, 2018
    LONDON—In response to a recent outbreak in fistfights, London mayor Sadiq Khan announced Monday a sweeping ban of hands in the city, effective immediately. “No excuses: there is never a reason to have hands in a modern, civil society. Anyone who does will be caught, and they will feel the full force of the law,” Khan said at a press conference announcing the new policy during which he revealed that he has had his own hands surgically removed as a good-faith move to jump-start the new regulations.
  • Putin Complains about Demonization of Stalin [semi-satire]

    04/09/2018 10:40:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Russian President Vladimir Putin denounced what he labeled “the excessive demonization of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. His methods may have been harsh by Western standards, but few can quibble with the results.” These “results” included the deaths of 15 million to 30 million Soviet citizens through executions, labor camps, avoidable famines and making the treaty with Germany that unleashed WW II. “Few critics take into account the poverty and backwardness of the country Stalin inherited,” Putin contended. “Bringing the Soviet Union into the modern era required sacrifices. The millions who died in the Gulag would have died eventually, regardless....
  • Hillary Claims Credit for #MeToo Movement [semi-satire]

    04/08/2018 11:25:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton claimed credit for accelerating the #MeToo Movement. “If I hadn’t lost the election none of this awakening to the the widespread sexual harassment that has plagued women in this country would have come to light,” she asserted. “Harvey Weinstein—case zero—in the exposure of the sexual harassment epidemic was a great supporter of me and donor to the Democratic Party,” Clinton pointed out. “As president, in order to repay his loyalty and generosity to the Party, I would have protected him from the assault on his character launched by the former victims of his...
  • Mexico Threatens to End Cooperation Against Violent Gangs [semi-satire]

    04/07/2018 10:47:07 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Irked at the prospect that President Trump may send US troops to guard the border against illegal immigration, the Mexican Senate unanimously passed a resolution that would end the bilateral cooperation between US and Mexican law enforcement agencies against the violent drug cartels that have run rampant along the border. President of the Senate, Pablo Escudero Mora defended the seemingly irrational move as “totally justified given the long history of US aggression toward our country. First they seized Texas. Then they invaded Mexico and forced us to cede California, and what are now Arizona and New Mexico to them. Now,...
  • FaceBook Admits "Invasion of Privacy" [semi-satire]

    04/07/2018 6:50:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Facebook's chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, publicly admitted that "our company's invasion of our clients' privacy probably rates a score of 10 out of 10 for being as complete a betrayal as possible." Despite this colossal failure, Sandberg insisted that CEO Mark "Zuckerberg's public apology ought to be penance enough. Look, we're with the good guys. We allowed President Obama to use our massive data to get reelected in 2012. Obviously, in hindsight, the Cambridge Analytica deal was a mistake." "In our defense, the amount of data we sold to Cambridge Analytica was tiny compared to what we freely gave...