Free Republic

We took Trump’s big speech, cut the calm and the peace, 0:21 Played “fight like hell” loud—let the violence increase! 0:26 Panorama’s slick trick, made him sound like a beast, 0:30 Now he’s suing for billions—we'll find ourselves fleeced! 0:34 Heave-ho for the fee, lads, the license we seize! 0:39 How else fund our far-left fairy-tales on the seas? 0:43 Subscription? Ha! Racist Brits won’t pay for our glow, 0:47 Shake the coins from their pockets or the whole ship’ll go! .....

Seattle's Mayor-elect Katie Wilson declared that "access to affordable, healthy food is a basic right. We cannot allow giant grocery chains to stomp all over our communities and close stores that will leave behind food deserts. Together, we can build a Seattle where fresh food is for everyone, not just for those who can afford it. Food deserts are not natural, supermarkets create them when they abandon our communities. We need to require these food vendors to give 90 days advance notice for mass layoffs and fair severance pay for laid off workers." "If too many privately owned food vendors...

https://babylonbee.com/news/after-latest-head-injury-fetterman-announces-hes-joining-whig-partyWASHINGTON, D.C. — After suffering yet another head injury, Senator John Fetterman announced he was joining the Whig Party. Fetterman reportedly collapsed during an early morning walk near his home in Braddock, PA after feeling light headed. In the resulting fall, Fetterman suffered numerous cuts and abrasions. But he's perfectly fine, his office reported, aside from the fact he believes the year is now 1834. "President Jackson never should have dismantled the Second Bank of the United States!" Fetterman said upon returning to Washington a week later. "Henceforth, I shall align with the Whig Party." Democrats blasted Fetterman for abandoning...

https://babylonbee.com/news/flintstones-vitamins-with-ozempic-now-available-for-fat-kidsMORRISTOWN, NJ — Drug manufacturer Bayer announced this week that they are releasing their popular Flintstones vitamins with added Ozempic to help slim down fat kids. "This has been a long time coming," Bayer spokesman Scott Thomspon said. "For far too long, fat kids have plagued our country. Now, with an easy pop of one of our vitamins, these chubs can slim down in no time. No more awkward comments from Grandma, no more bullying, no more being known for doing the Truffle Shuffle." Thompson said the chewable gummy vitamins taste great and help fat kids lose weight right away....

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem announced that efforts to nab illegal alien sex offenders have resulted in the apprehension of 230 foreigners accused of a variety of crimes including child molestation, sexual assault, drug offenses and murder. "This operation was called Operation Criminal Return," Noem said. "But I call it Operation Dirtbag because the specific targeted individuals are sex offenders, many of whose victims were children. These individuals should have never been in our country to begin with. These individuals will be gone off of our streets and kids will be safer." Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) objected, saying "Noem...

https://babylonbee.com/news/bible-scholars-pauls-third-letter-to-corinthians-was-rejected-for-clearly-being-ai-generated OXFORD — After much deliberation, an international team of Bible scholars has recently determined that an alleged third letter of Paul to the Corinthians was rejected for being obviously AI-generated. According to Lee Stokes, the lead researcher and expert in Koine Greek, the style, composition, and syntax of pseudo-Third Corinthians were patently AI-generated. "We first started to get a bit suspicious when we read the ending to the letter," Stokes told reporters. "The last words of the epistle are: 'Here's a draft for III Corinthians which reflects Paul's pastoral heart and his call for the Corinthians to endure in...

Buoyed by his Party's success in the recent election, Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) told Symone Sanders, co-host for MSNBC's The Weeknight, "we will win the mid-term elections next November. When we are a majority in both the House and Senate we will put a stop to the Republicans' frivolous investigations of past alleged misdeeds by Democrats and plunge into Democrat investigations of current crimes being committed by Trump and his minions. On January 3, 2027 we will introduce impeachment resolutions against Trump, Vance, and every member of the Cabinet. Criminal charges will be brought against all of them who do...

With President Trump threatening to sue the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) for $1 trillion for editing his January 6, 2021 speech to make it appear that he was urging his followers to "march to the Capitol and fight like hell," BBC chair Samir Shah explained "it was all an honest mistake that we should not be held accountable for." "First, let me point out that these words attributed to Trump are actual words he has said in public," Shah said. "It's not like we made them up out of thin air. Second, the meme that has been pretty universally shared...

The government shutdown that caused an interruption in the payment of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) benefits also revealed some disturbing aspects of the program. The most immediate impact was the outpouring of complaints from some recipients asserting their right to steal the food that they had previously bought with the federal aid they had been receiving. Some of these protests were selfie videos of grossly obese beneficiaries. This suggests that SNAP money is not staving off starvation, but is fueling unhealthy eating. Receipts indicate that 20% of the SNAP money is spent on soda, candy, and salty snacks. Secretary...

https://babylonbee.com/news/poem-on-statue-of-liberty-updated-to-read-no-fattiesNEW YORK, NY — As part of a change in immigration policy designed to limit the incoming of foreign nationals with chronic health issues, the poem posted on the Statue of Liberty was updated to read "No Fatties." The famous inscription, which had long been held as a beacon of hope to all who sought a new life and the American dream, now more accurately reflected the current administration's efforts to prevent obese immigrants from arriving to weigh down the nation's healthcare industry. "It's a modern addition that fits our updated vision," said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. "Our country...

The Ten Commandments have long been seen as the backbone of societal laws for thousands of years, but did you know that there were other commandments that didn't make the list? The Babylon Bee consulted with dozens of scholars to uncover the following list of commandments that ended up on the cutting room floor: Remember the sabbath day by wearing your favorite NFL team's jersey to church: Unless it's the Cowboys, for that is sin. Thou shalt install the toilet paper roll with the end of the paper coming out from under, not over, for over is a perversion...

https://babylonbee.com/news/tucker-carlson-builds-time-machine-to-kill-baby-churchillWOODSTOCK, ME — On a mission to set right the great wrongs perpetrated upon the world during World War II, controversial media personality Tucker Carlson announced that he had built a time machine to go back to the past and kill baby Winston Churchill. Seeking a means by which he could eliminate the greatest villain of the first half of the 20th century — Churchill — and thereby prevent the astronomical bloodshed and destruction caused by the war, Carlson reportedly sank tens of millions of dollars into the research, development, and construction of the time machine. "It's time to snip...

PALO ALTO, CA — A recent survey conducted by an advanced digital algorithm conclusively determined that the most oppressed person in the history of the world is, without a doubt, Michelle Obama. The algorithm searched infinite points of data and scanned millions of stories of human suffering and determined definitively that Michelle Obama has been oppressed more than any other living human. "It's amazing, really," data scientist Mark Tungston said. "Mrs. Obama doesn't seem like the most oppressed person ever, but after analyzing the data, it's clear she is. You'd think it was a coal miner in Appalachia or a...

https://babylonbee.com/news/banks-now-requiring-your-grandkids-to-co-sign-your-50-year-mortgage U.S. — Banks across the United States announced today that they would now require an applicant's grandkids to co-sign on a 50-year mortgage "just in case." "You never know what might happen if you're signing a 50-year mortgage and you're 55 years old," National Banking Association Spokesperson Craig Jensen told the media. "We're going to start requiring every applicant to have their grandkids present to co-sign on the loan in case anything… happens… if you know what I mean. Dead. Death. I'm referring to death." The banks made the announcement after President Donald Trump earlier this week floated the...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs. The federal government is set to hire just over five hundred elderly, mentally incapacitated individuals. "It's really touching," said local woman Jennifer Maxwell. "It's so important for old people, especially those who have lost their mental functions, to still feel like they can contribute. They just want to feel like they're a part of something. Getting to see all these geriatrics be able to call themselves employed, to dress up...

WOODSTOCK, ME — Political commentator Tucker Carlson sparked controversy this week when he welcomed Bigfoot onto his show to discuss how mind-controlling chemtrails are sprayed over the flat earth by the Jews. Viewers were shocked to learn that not only was Bigfoot real, but that the popular cryptid had been following conspiracy news for decades. Carlson nodded along with his guest, genuinely interested in what it had to say about Ben Shapiro. Bigfoot, who spoke with a series of unintelligible growls and whistles, was adamant that the Jews were behind the chemtrails and that it was all part of...

Former FBI Director James Comey's claim that he is being "selectively prosecuted by Trump" was verified by current FBI Director Kash Patel. "Every prosecution is selective in a sense that persons who commit crimes are targeted for potential prosecution," Patel explained. "It would be idiotic to randomly prosecute persons who are not committing crimes. Perhaps that's where the Democrats erred by inventing reasons to prosecute President Trump in the run up to the 2024 election." Comey contended that "the leaked data, my emails congratulating the individuals who took credit for the leaks and expressing my expectation that a grateful President...

LAS VEGAS, NV — Following a recent performance by a legendary band of their greatest hits, fans posted online about how they couldn't believe how much the lead singer had aged in the last 50 years. Though the crowd appeared to enjoy the show, attendees later expressed shock that the band's frontman looked so much older and worn down by life than he did when the band first hit it big in the 1970s. "Man, he really looks old now," said one fan in a social media post. "It's a far cry from the way he looked a half...

More satire at the expense of hizzoner-elect.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the end of the government shutdown in sight, the United States Congress was reportedly preparing to pivot from doing nothing because of the shutdown to doing nothing because they're Congress. "Yea or nay, it doesn't really matter," since Senator Elizabeth Warren. "I'm still going to complain about the weather and randomly shout 'RACISM!' instead of listening to my constituents." In a 60-40 vote, the Senate advanced a funding bill on Sunday evening, bringing the federal government one step closer to being reopened. Lawmakers were now mentally preparing themselves for being unable to blame the shutdown for...