Free Republic

The government shutdown that caused an interruption in the payment of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) benefits also revealed some disturbing aspects of the program. The most immediate impact was the outpouring of complaints from some recipients asserting their right to steal the food that they had previously bought with the federal aid they had been receiving. Some of these protests were selfie videos of grossly obese beneficiaries. This suggests that SNAP money is not staving off starvation, but is fueling unhealthy eating. Receipts indicate that 20% of the SNAP money is spent on soda, candy, and salty snacks. Secretary...

https://babylonbee.com/news/poem-on-statue-of-liberty-updated-to-read-no-fattiesNEW YORK, NY — As part of a change in immigration policy designed to limit the incoming of foreign nationals with chronic health issues, the poem posted on the Statue of Liberty was updated to read "No Fatties." The famous inscription, which had long been held as a beacon of hope to all who sought a new life and the American dream, now more accurately reflected the current administration's efforts to prevent obese immigrants from arriving to weigh down the nation's healthcare industry. "It's a modern addition that fits our updated vision," said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. "Our country...

The Ten Commandments have long been seen as the backbone of societal laws for thousands of years, but did you know that there were other commandments that didn't make the list? The Babylon Bee consulted with dozens of scholars to uncover the following list of commandments that ended up on the cutting room floor: Remember the sabbath day by wearing your favorite NFL team's jersey to church: Unless it's the Cowboys, for that is sin. Thou shalt install the toilet paper roll with the end of the paper coming out from under, not over, for over is a perversion...

https://babylonbee.com/news/tucker-carlson-builds-time-machine-to-kill-baby-churchillWOODSTOCK, ME — On a mission to set right the great wrongs perpetrated upon the world during World War II, controversial media personality Tucker Carlson announced that he had built a time machine to go back to the past and kill baby Winston Churchill. Seeking a means by which he could eliminate the greatest villain of the first half of the 20th century — Churchill — and thereby prevent the astronomical bloodshed and destruction caused by the war, Carlson reportedly sank tens of millions of dollars into the research, development, and construction of the time machine. "It's time to snip...

PALO ALTO, CA — A recent survey conducted by an advanced digital algorithm conclusively determined that the most oppressed person in the history of the world is, without a doubt, Michelle Obama. The algorithm searched infinite points of data and scanned millions of stories of human suffering and determined definitively that Michelle Obama has been oppressed more than any other living human. "It's amazing, really," data scientist Mark Tungston said. "Mrs. Obama doesn't seem like the most oppressed person ever, but after analyzing the data, it's clear she is. You'd think it was a coal miner in Appalachia or a...

https://babylonbee.com/news/banks-now-requiring-your-grandkids-to-co-sign-your-50-year-mortgage U.S. — Banks across the United States announced today that they would now require an applicant's grandkids to co-sign on a 50-year mortgage "just in case." "You never know what might happen if you're signing a 50-year mortgage and you're 55 years old," National Banking Association Spokesperson Craig Jensen told the media. "We're going to start requiring every applicant to have their grandkids present to co-sign on the loan in case anything… happens… if you know what I mean. Dead. Death. I'm referring to death." The banks made the announcement after President Donald Trump earlier this week floated the...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs. The federal government is set to hire just over five hundred elderly, mentally incapacitated individuals. "It's really touching," said local woman Jennifer Maxwell. "It's so important for old people, especially those who have lost their mental functions, to still feel like they can contribute. They just want to feel like they're a part of something. Getting to see all these geriatrics be able to call themselves employed, to dress up...

WOODSTOCK, ME — Political commentator Tucker Carlson sparked controversy this week when he welcomed Bigfoot onto his show to discuss how mind-controlling chemtrails are sprayed over the flat earth by the Jews. Viewers were shocked to learn that not only was Bigfoot real, but that the popular cryptid had been following conspiracy news for decades. Carlson nodded along with his guest, genuinely interested in what it had to say about Ben Shapiro. Bigfoot, who spoke with a series of unintelligible growls and whistles, was adamant that the Jews were behind the chemtrails and that it was all part of...

Former FBI Director James Comey's claim that he is being "selectively prosecuted by Trump" was verified by current FBI Director Kash Patel. "Every prosecution is selective in a sense that persons who commit crimes are targeted for potential prosecution," Patel explained. "It would be idiotic to randomly prosecute persons who are not committing crimes. Perhaps that's where the Democrats erred by inventing reasons to prosecute President Trump in the run up to the 2024 election." Comey contended that "the leaked data, my emails congratulating the individuals who took credit for the leaks and expressing my expectation that a grateful President...

LAS VEGAS, NV — Following a recent performance by a legendary band of their greatest hits, fans posted online about how they couldn't believe how much the lead singer had aged in the last 50 years. Though the crowd appeared to enjoy the show, attendees later expressed shock that the band's frontman looked so much older and worn down by life than he did when the band first hit it big in the 1970s. "Man, he really looks old now," said one fan in a social media post. "It's a far cry from the way he looked a half...

More satire at the expense of hizzoner-elect.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the end of the government shutdown in sight, the United States Congress was reportedly preparing to pivot from doing nothing because of the shutdown to doing nothing because they're Congress. "Yea or nay, it doesn't really matter," since Senator Elizabeth Warren. "I'm still going to complain about the weather and randomly shout 'RACISM!' instead of listening to my constituents." In a 60-40 vote, the Senate advanced a funding bill on Sunday evening, bringing the federal government one step closer to being reopened. Lawmakers were now mentally preparing themselves for being unable to blame the shutdown for...

FRANKLIN, TN — Financial consultant and radio host Dave Ramsey was reported to be in critical condition Monday after learning that President Donald Trump had begun pushing a 50-year home mortgage. According to sources, Ramsey collapsed at his desk after reading a Truth Social post from Trump in which he pushed the concept of a 50-year home mortgage to combat the growing housing crisis. "It was a sudden shock he wasn't able to handle," one person close to Ramsey's family said. "Just the word 'mortgage' is usually enough to cause adverse effects on Dave. The president pushing for a 50-year...

Several Trump Administration officials including top adviser Stephen Miller, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, and Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, have felt the need to live in military housing in order to be safe from politically motivated violence. An article the Atlantic by Michael Scherer, Missy Ryan, and Ashley Parker pointed out that "this is far more frequent than what has been the case than in the Obama and Biden administrations. Maybe it's MAGA's own fault. They ought to look inward for answers as to why this might be occurring. Perhaps...

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-converts-to-7th-day-adventism-so-he-can-watch-nfl-all-sunday-long FRESNO, CA — Local man Dennis Townsend has converted to Seventh Day Adventism in order to spend all Sunday sitting on the couch watching NFL games. Long frustrated by missing the early slate of games for church, Townsend could hardly believe his luck when he learned of a group that only has church on Saturday. "You mean, you never have church on Sunday? Like, you never once miss kick-off?" asked Townsend. "Well, I'm convinced. The evidence for Seventh Day Adventism is just overwhelming, and I literally have no choice but to convert." Townsend states that his religious conversion has...

Covered Income is a fund created by revolutionary activist and Marxist/Anarchist, Lyle Culpepper, in order to provide support for comrades whose financial stability no longer exists due to poor life choices. Covered Income operates on a donation basis, with recipients buying into the fund, much like an insurance policy or a Ponzi Scheme, with assistance available as needed. Often called “The White Greta Thunberg,” Lyle has been at the forefront of many incredible causes, including UNRWA, Puppy Kill Shelters for Peace, and Pedos for Palestine. Lyle lives in Doha, Qatar with his freedom fighter partner Yahya Sinwar and their two...

In an effort to determine how many illegal immigrants are receiving Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) benefits the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) Secretary Brooke Rollins asked "every state to send us their SNAP data so we could make sure illegal immigrants aren't getting benefits meant for American families. 29 states stepped up. 21 blue states refused — and two sued us for asking." California Attorney General Rob Bonta pointed out that "everyone knows that it is unlawful for states to give SNAP benefits to persons who entered the United States illegally. Given the tens of millions of persons who...

The election success enjoyed by Democrats in New York City, New Jersey, Virginia, and California have buoyed optimism in the Party. Sen. Chris Murphy (Conn) said "the blue wave validates our strategy of keeping the government closed until our Party's demands are met. Essential personnel in areas of national defense and air traffic control are not getting paid. Sooner or later they will have to stop working for the government and get other jobs just to pay their bills. Folks dependent on welfare will balk at the Trump Administration's continued efforts to enforce the legislatively enacted work requirements for able-bodied...

Self-professed democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani won the three-way race for New York City Mayor with more than 50% of the ballots cast. He called his victory "a clear mandate for my plan of reform. The majority of the people have endorsed increased taxes on the rich, freezing rents, establishing government-owned grocery stores, free and rapid bus service, and relentless opposition to the Trump tyranny." The mayor-elect mocked naysayers who predict his policies will wreck the city, saying that "these kinds of policies successfully transformed an agrarian Russia into a global colossus that won both the war against Hitler and the...

https://babylonbee.com/news/mamdani-assures-new-yorkers-theres-no-problem-too-large-for-government-to-make-worseNEW YORK, NY — In a celebratory speech following his historic win in New York City's mayoral election, Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani promised residents that there was no problem too large for government to make worse. "I want to speak to all the foreigners out there. Not the whites, the brown people," Mamdani said to raucous applause. "We will prove that there is no problem too large for government to make worse and no problem too small to stick our nose in." Making large problems worse was one of Mamdani's primary campaign promises, and he seems eager to deliver. Crime was...