Free Republic

Posted on Sun, Feb. 12, 2006 A global event for everybody . . . in some parts BY DAVE BARRY It's time once again for the Winter Olympics -- three magical weeks during which all of America will gather in front of the television set to watch American Idol. But during the commercials, some of us will also tune in to the Winter Olympics, a quadrennial competition that answers, once and for all, questions that burn in the brains of every true sports fan, such as: (1) Who will claim ''bragging rights'' as the world's best in the individual, sprint...

Posted on Sun, Feb. 12, 2006 Risking life on a limb in Idaho BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Oct. 30, 1994.) There is a simple explanation for why I wound up dangling from a rope 75 feet in the air over a beaver dam somewhere in Idaho: I was a house guest. You know how it is, when you're a houseguest: If your host suggests an activity, you, as a polite person, tend to say ''sure.'' My host in this case was my good friend Ridley Pearson, who makes his living writing thriller...

Clear the streets! It's snowplow hockey BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 8, 1995.) The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter. Winter is both cold AND slippery, which means that if you engage in a typical winter sport, such as skiing, you could easily wind up freezing in some godforsaken snowbank, unable to move because one or more of your knees have been converted into ligament gumbo. FACT: Last year, 17 percent of all recreational skiers were eaten by wolves. This...

Dave Barry is one funny guy. His column, which has run in the Miami Herald for more than 20 years, has appeared in more than 500 newspapers. He's written more than 20 books, all of them big sellers. So when he came to town last Friday to promote his latest effort, "Dave Barry's Money Secrets -- Like: Why is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?", and to speak at the Commonwealth Club, I made an appointment to chat with him at his downtown hotel. I figured I'd write down his clever quips, repeat them in a column and make...

Auto safety made easy BY DAVE BARRY Automobiles are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they provide us with benefits that were undreamed-of in the ''horse-and-buggy'' days. For example, any time we get hungry, we can simply hop into the car, pull up to the drive-through window of a fast-food restaurant, purchase a tasty hot meal, spill our coffee on our thighs and sue a major corporation for millions of dollars. On the other (or ''left'') hand, automobiles can be very dangerous. The modern car is a complex and powerful machine; if we do not treat it with proper...

The case for past lives BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 19, 1997.) To be honest, I had completely forgotten that in a former life I was Mozart. You know how certain things tend to slip your mind, like where you left your car keys, or the fact that you used to be a brilliant Austrian composer who died in 1791? Well, that's exactly what happened to me. I was reminded of my former life recently when I received a book called ''Spirit at Work,'' by Lois Grant, who has had a number...

Adventure in Sun Valley By Dave Barry (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 11, 1996.) ------ This is the second part of a two-part series titled ''Recreational Winter Sports That You Can Do Sitting Down.'' In Part 1, I discussed snowmobiling, my key finding being that you should not go snowmobiling with adolescent boys unless your recreational goal is cardiac arrest. Today, I'll discuss a sport that is more relaxing, as well as far more fragrant: dog-sledding. A dog sled is-follow me carefully here-a sled that is pulled by dogs. And if you think that dogs...

Winter sports without fear BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 4, 1996.) Skiing is an exciting winter sport, but it is not for everybody. For example, it is not for sane people. Sane people look at skiing, and they say: ``Wait a minute. I'm supposed to attach slippery objects to my feet and get on a frozen chair dangling from a scary-looking wire, then get dumped off on a snow-covered slope so steep that the mountain goats are wearing seat belts, and then, if by some miracle I am able to get back...

Wilma, Rita, Katrina: No matter how you stack it up, 2005 blew Jan. 01, 2006 It was the Year of the Woman. But not in a good way. Oh, I'm not saying that men did nothing stupid or despicable in 2005. Of course they did! That's why we call them ''men.'' But women are supposed to be better than men. Women are the backbone of civilization: They keep families together, nurture relationships, uphold basic standards of morality and go to the bathroom without making noise. Women traditionally shun the kinds of pointless, brutal, destructive activities that so often involve men,...

It was the Year of the Woman. But not in a good way. Oh, I'm not saying that men did nothing stupid or despicable in 2005. Of course they did! That's why we call them ''men.'' But women are supposed to be better than men. Women are the backbone of civilization: They keep families together, nurture relationships, uphold basic standards of morality and go to the bathroom without making noise. Women traditionally shun the kinds of pointless, brutal, destructive activities that so often involve men, such as mass murder and fantasy football. But not this year. Women got CRAZY this...

NEW YORK Dave Barry was the newspaper world's most widely syndicated humor columnist when he went on sabbatical at the end of 2004. Barry said at the time that he would evaluate his column-writing future after a year, so E&P checked back to see what he might have decided. And the decision is ... he will not resume his weekly column. Barry's weekly Miami Herald feature appeared in more than 500 newspapers via Tribune Media Services and Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services. It also won him the Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 1988 -- five years after Barry, now 58, joined...

Pine-sap transfusions could save your Christmas tree's life BY DAVE BARRY (This classic DAVE BARRY column was originally published on Dec. 12, 1999.) TODAY'S HOLIDAY TOPIC IS: Christmas Tree Care. The Christmas tree is a cherished holiday tradition that dates back 500 years, to the early Germans. What happened was, one night right around Christmas, a bunch of early Germans were sitting around, and one of them, named Helmut, said: ``I know! Let's chop down a perfectly good fir tree, drag it inside, and see if we can get it to stand up again!'' ''Why in the world would we...

<p>We're moving. I blame my daughter. She's only 5 months old but she has somehow acquired, at a conservative estimate, 250 million toys. Every morning, there seem to be more of them. I suspect they're having some kind of battery-powered sex while we sleep. These toys make a lot of noise. In my youth, toys were passive lumps of wood or metal that were silent unless you whacked your brother on the head with them. But today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say ''your child.'' MY child just wants to eat the toys. For example, she has an electronic Pooh bear who moves his head and says things like, ''Would you like to play with me?'' This stimulates my daughter to try to put Pooh's head into her mouth. Any day now, Pooh will hold up his paws and scream, ''NOOOO!'' But that will not stop my daughter. She is the Great White Shark of babies. But my point is this: We have a smallish house, and we work at home, and it's hard to concentrate when the floor is covered with toys that are constantly trying to strike up conversations. So I called our Realtor and said: ``We need to move.'' Now a truly compassionate Realtor, upon hearing these words, would have shot me in the head. Instead, our Realtor found us a larger house. We liked it immediately, although it needed a Little Work. ''It just needs some paint,'' I told my wife. I can look at a house and know exactly what it needs, because in fifth and sixth grades, I took Wood Shop. So we had a Paint Guy look at the house. He told us -- and we knew he was an expert, because he had a clipboard -- that before he could paint it, it needed some carpentry work. So we had a Carpentry Guy look at the house. He also had a clipboard. ''You see this?'' he asked me, poking at a board. From my perspective, it looked no different from all the other boards in the house. From my perspective, the entire HOUSE was random boards. But the Carpentry Guy was looking at this board with the facial expression of a man stuck in an elevator with the national leadership of the Big Flatulent Persons Support Group. ''When we take this board off,'' he said, ominously, ``there's no telling WHAT we're gonna find.'' I wanted to say, ''So let's not take it off!'' But I didn't want him to think that I was not a manly masculine Wood Shop graduate. The Carpentry Guy said that, before he could start dismantling the house, we needed to have somebody look at our windows. So we had the Windows Guy come out. He was visibly shaken. I thought he was going to drop his clipboard. Apparently our windows have some kind of deadly window leprosy. They must be replaced immediately with new windows, which, to judge from the price and delivery date, will be made from gem-quality diamonds on another planet. Did I mention the Termite Guy? No? Well, he believes that termites might be eating our house. So we are going to ''tent'' the house, which involves surrounding it with a giant tent, filling it with a deadly gas, and then having the homeowners crawl inside and mercifully kill themselves before they can write any more checks. No, that would be wrong. We have a job to finish. To make our new house habitable, we have to contact the Roof Guy, the Electricity Guy, the Plumbing Guy, the Gas Guy, the Alarm Guy, the Tree Guy, the Moving Guy, and all the other guys THEY will want us to contact. The clipboard industry is depending on us! Meanwhile, we need to sell our old house. When people come to look at it, we scurry around hiding any possessions that would suggest to a prospective buyer that we are not Martha Stewart. For example, in our bathroom (this is true) we hide the big bottle of Plax mouthwash. We want prospective buyers to think, ``It's a nice house! And the owners apparently have had no problems with dental plaque!'' My big fear is that, when prospective buyers poke their heads into our daughter's room, the toys will start talking to them. ''These people are really slobs!'' Pooh will shout. ``They're hiding their Plax under the bathroom counter! Also, their daughter wants to eat my head!'' All I can say is, Pooh had better keep his fuzzy little mouth shut. Because I took Wood Shop. And I have a hammer.</p>

We wish you a merry gesso BY DAVE BARRY (This classic DAVE BARRY column was originally published on Dec. 13, 1998.) Ho ho ho! ''Tis the Christmas season, a time of festivity and fun and credit-card statements the length of ``The Brothers Karamazov.'' It's also a time when the publications at supermarket-checkout counters are chock-full of articles featuring creative holiday craft ideas, with headlines like: 'CHER TELLS OPRAH: `CAST OF `FRIENDS' ATE MY BABY!'' No, sorry, wrong type of supermarket-checkout publication. The ones with the holiday craft ideas are the homemaker magazines, which are filled with articles like ''50 Fun...

DAVE BARRY'S ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE Less stress, less mess BY DAVE BARRY Dec. 04, 2005 Hark -- Do you hear that sound? It's the radio, playing Frosty the Snowman! For the eighth or ninth time today! And that thud in the yard? Why, that's dad, falling off the ladder while attempting to hang fake icicles from the roof. And if you listen really, really hard, you can hear, softly in the distance, the sounds of shoppers trading punches over parking spots at the mall. No doubt about it: The holidays are here! Yes, it's a busy, busy time. But no...

Cursed 'Einstein Gap' turns son against father BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 9, 2000) Recently, I received a phone call from my son, Rob. It was a phone call that every parent dreads. That's right: My son told me that the universe does not exist. Or at least it does not in any way resemble my concept of it. According to Rob, I understand the universe about as well as a barnacle understands a nuclear aircraft carrier. I blame college. That's where Rob is getting these ideas, which have to do with...

Tips for not hosting Thanksgiving dinner next year BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 15, 1998.) So this year, you agreed to host the big family Thanksgiving dinner. Congratulations! You moron! No, seriously, hosting Thanksgiving dinner does NOT have to be traumatic. The key is planning. For example, every year my family spends Thanksgiving at the home of a friend named Arlene Reidy, who prepares dinner for a huge number of people. I can't give an exact figure, because my eyeballs become fogged with gravy. But I'm pretty sure that Arlene is feeding...

A handyman's guide to decks and other manmade disasters BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 28, 2000.) Today's Do-It-Yourself Project Is: How To Build a Deck. There's nothing like adding a deck to transform an ordinary home into a home attached to a mass of inexpertly nailed wood. And just imagine the family fun you'll have this summer with a deck! ''Come on, kids!'' you'll call to your children. ''Let's go out on the deck and have some fun!'' ''Shut UP,'' they'll gaily reply, because they are engrossed in a Sony PlayStation video...

Neither man nor rat can properly fold the laundry BY DAVE BARRY (This classic DAVE BARRY column was originally published on July 2, 2000.) Are you a male, or a female? To find out, take this scientific quiz: 1. Your department is on a tight deadline for developing a big sales proposal, but you've hit a snag on a key point. You want to go one way; a co-worker named Bob strongly disagrees. To break the deadlock, you: a) Present your position, listen to the other side, then fashion a workable compromise. b) Punch Bob. 2. Your favorite team is...

Moe, Larry and Curly are from Mars, Hugh Grant is from Venus BY DAVE BARRY (This classic DAVE BARRY column was originally published on March 19, 2000.) Today's topic was suggested by a reader named Richard from El Paso, Texas, who wrote a letter asking: ``How do you obtain a sense of humor? I am more seriously inclined, and I understand that women really love a man with a sense of humor. ... My main concern is how to apply it in everyday conversation to impress women.'' The first thing you need to understand, Richard, is that men and women...