Welcome to the Canteen, kemathen7, and thank you for helping honor our troops.
Posted on 02/23/2003 11:19:02 PM PST by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub
The Politically Correct Battlefield
They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.
Mom's wisdom
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make:
He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question:
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
Wild Kid
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy
who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down,
the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
"I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Chopper crash
While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise
a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.
The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom.
However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks,
this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
Pilots jokes
What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.
What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot....
What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into an aviator when it's drunk.
What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.
What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.
The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Seeking Protection
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada,
known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see
a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,
"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Welcome to the Canteen, kemathen7, and thank you for helping honor our troops.
| Posted on Mon, Feb. 24, 2003 |   |
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Morale boosters organize
Northeast Ohio agencies mobilizing volunteers to cheer U.S. soldiers in event of war with Iraq Beacon Journal staff writer
When Holy Family School teacher Annmarie Keogh asked students to bring in gifts for U.S. troops, she got a deluge -- 33 boxes of shampoo, playing cards and other items. ``They were so excited about being asked,'' Keogh said. ``It just grew until we had a huge project.'' The Stow Catholic school is one of the good Samaritans poised to help troops and their families during a pending war with Iraq. Agencies geared specifically to help the morale of troops are especially busy. ``We want them to know that we care about the warrior next door,'' said Phyliss Hammerstrom of Hudson, who heads the United Service Organization's Northern Ohio office in Broadview Heights. ``We're still with you.'' The local office is mobilizing volunteers to write letters to troops, donate money for satellite phone cards to give to soldiers and assemble stationery kits with get-well cards, sympathy cards and other items. The thinking is that these last items will be hard to find in the desert or on ship and will be most appreciated. Probably the local USO's most expensive project is the refurbishing of its canteen at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. Hammerstrom's vision is to turn the hospitality room into a ``cyber canteen'' where soldiers can e-mail their friends and family. A benefactor has donated computers, but the USO still needs $50,000 for new furniture, lighting, flooring and more. Then there are baby layette packages to assemble for soldiers' expectant wives, booties and blankets to crochet, and ``boodle'' -- gifts for troops -- to buy, assemble and ship. Staffing is tight to do all that, with just two employees, one of them part time, and about 75 volunteers. At the Summit County Chapter of the American Red Cross, two projects in the offing may kick off in coming months. The chapter has received several requests for support groups, which were popular during Operation Desert Storm and may be held again if the local office gets more requests. And the Summit County chapter may begin to amass quality-of-life items to send to the troops -- playing cards, soft-drink mixes, candy and the like. The chapter is waiting for a green light from the national office, which is overseeing the quality-of-life project to ensure that troops don't get a deluge of gifts now and be forgotten later. Meanwhile, the Salvation Army in Akron is offering financial aid to soldiers' families who may be falling a bit behind because of living on military pay. The national office is providing writing materials, counseling and more to the troops themselves. But there is a down side to the donations of stuff -- namely, the need for money to ship them. The USO's Hammerstrom said organizations have to raise money for postage when they ask for donations. ``Postage is part of the issue,'' she said. ``It's not just enough to give the product.'' She has a challenge along that line now. Toledo Girl Scouts asked people who bought their cookies to buy an extra box for a soldier. That worked so well that the Scouts are bringing a van loaded with cookies to the USO this month. ``I'm sure that shipping them is going to be expensive. But that's part of where your money goes when you give to the USO,'' Hammerstrom said. Shipping costs are also a problem that faces Holy Family School now. Its donations have been sitting in an office, boxed and ready to go, for weeks because of the high cost of shipping them -- $1,700, Keogh said. Although the USO has offered to chip in $300, Keogh is looking for other sources of money. Her plan is to ship the donations to Air Force Sgt. Richard Keogh, her brother, who is stationed in the United Arab Emirates. He will pass them out to troops there. To help fund the school project, call Keogh at 330-688-3816. Carol Biliczky can be reached at 330-996-3729 or cbiliczky@thebeaconjournal.com |
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Sure would. Why dontcha send him over to my place this Saturday night. The boys have a poker game planned and want have him over ...
Pregnancy,Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-" 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cat's facial expressions. . 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN
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