USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Jokes ~ February 24 2003

68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub and FRiends of the Canteen

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

The Politically Correct Battlefield

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

Mom's wisdom

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make:
He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question:
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Wild Kid

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy
who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down,
the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
"I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Chopper crash

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise
a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.
The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom.
However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks,
this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Pilots jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot....

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into an aviator when it's drunk.

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.

The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Seeking Protection

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada,
known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see
a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,
"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[tomkow6]

At sea aboard USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN 71) Feb. 20, 2003 -- Machinist's Mate 1st Class Jim Crouse from Bel Air, Md., takes a liquid oxygen (LOX) sample from the cryogenics plant to check for purity. Roosevelt is currently operating in the Mediterranean Sea in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. U.S. Navy photo by Photographer’s Mate 2nd Class Angela M. Virnig.

[tomkow6]

Coastal System Station, Panama City, Fla. (Feb. 20, 2003) -- Yeoman 3rd Class Tim Taylor, a reservist assigned to Mobile Diving and Salvage Unit Det. 220 based in Alameda, Calif. practices building a flange while blindfolded. The exercise indoctrinates the students to work in the dark environment of the ocean. U.S. Navy photo by Chief Photographer’s Mate Chris Desmond.

[tomkow6]

Naval Historical Center, Navy Yard, Washington D.C. (Feb. 21, 2003) -- This Civil War-era wallet was discovered by Naval Historical Center archeologists during their excavation of the Confederate submarine H.L. Hunley. The archeologists stated that the wallet was in remarkably good condition. Hunley became the first submarine in history to sink a warship during the Civil War in 1863. Photo by Chris Ohm.

[tomkow6]

Naval Historical Center, Navy Yard, Washington D.C. (Feb. 21, 2003) -- Scientists at the Warren Lash Conservation Center examine a Civil War-era wallet found during excavation of the Confederate submarine H.L. Hunley. The archeologists stated that the wallet was in remarkably good condition. Hunley was recovered from the ocean floor in 2000 and has been under an excavation and conservation program, which has been led by the Naval Historical Center team for three years. U.S. Navy photo courtesy Naval Historical Center.

[tomkow6]

Aboard USS John F. Kennedy, Mayport, Fla. (Feb. 20, 2003) -- Vice Adm. Al Konetzni, Deputy Chief of Staff, U.S. Atlantic Fleet, visited the Kennedy during its Extended Service Repair Availability (ESRA). He was escorted around the flight deck by Cmdr. Frederick Straughan, “Air Boss”, Capt. Ronald H. Henderson, Commanding Officer, Cmdr. James Gregorski, Executive Officer and Kennedy’s Command Master Chief Ken Davis. U.S. Navy photo by Photographer’s Mate Airman Monika R. Nelson.

[tomkow6]

Souda Bay, Crete, Greece (Feb. 21, 2003) -- Los Angeles class submarine USS San Juan (SSN 751) arrives for a port visit and prepares to be berthed next to submarine tender USS Emory S. Land (AS 39). San Juan is home-based in Groton, Conn. and the tender is home-based in La Maddalena, Italy. U.S. Navy photo by Paul Farley.

[tomkow6]

Souda Bay, Crete, Greece (Feb. 21, 2003) -- Los Angeles class submarine USS San Juan (SSN 751) arrives for a port visit and prepares to be berthed next to submarine tender USS Emory S. Land (AS 39). San Juan is home-based in Groton, Conn. and the tender is home-based in La Maddalena, Italy. U.S. Navy photo by Paul Farley.

[MeekOneGOP]

Yep, when they are gone you miss them the same as you do people. We had a Bassett Hound too, for a while. Our neighbors in Spokane, Washington were transferred to Spain (Air Force family, same as us). They left "Lady" with us, an old and quite obese Bassett Hound. She died about a year later, of a heart attack ...

[tomkow6]

At sea aboard USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72) Feb. 21, 2003 -- The Honorable H.T. Johnson, Acting Secretary of the Navy, meets with Sailors during a recent visit to USS Abraham Lincoln. Secretary Johnson made the trip to the Arabian Gulf to discuss current operations with the crew and express his appreciation for their hard work and dedication. The Abraham Lincoln and Carrier Air Wing Fourteen (CVW 14) are conducting operations in the Arabian Gulf in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. U.S. Navy photo by Photographer's Mate 3rd Class Tyler Clements.

[tomkow6]

At sea aboard USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72) Feb. 21, 2003 -- The Honorable H.T. Johnson, Acting Secretary of the Navy, meets with Sailors during a recent visit to USS Abraham Lincoln. Secretary Johnson made the trip to the Arabian Gulf to discuss current operations with the crew and express his appreciation for their hard work and dedication. The Abraham Lincoln and Carrier Air Wing Fourteen (CVW 14) are conducting operations in the Arabian Gulf in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. U.S. Navy photo by Photographer's Mate 3rd Class Tyler Clements.

[tomkow6]

At sea aboard USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72) Feb. 21, 2003 -- The Honorable H.T. Johnson, Acting Secretary of the Navy, is briefed on jet engines, parts and maintenance by Cmdr. Ellen Coyne, Lincoln’s Maintenance Officer (MO) and and Ens. Pete Coore. Secretary Johnson made the trip to the Arabian Gulf to discuss current operations with the crew and express his appreciation for their hard work and dedication. The Abraham Lincoln and Carrier Air Wing Fourteen (CVW 14) are conducting operations in the Arabian Gulf in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. U.S. Navy photo by Photographer's Mate 3rd Class Tyler Clements.

[tomkow6]

....................okay, I'm done.................

[beachn4fun]

tomkow6,

this is too funny! I've seen the still photo of this MALE cat, but never the animated version. Thanks for the laugh.

[tomkow6]

The Newest Medications for Women

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell
for up to 8 hours

St. M O M 'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to
six hours

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast
size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment
of country western music

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip
off other drivers

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want
to be a better person can we get naked now?"

B U Y- A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe
the victim may even come home with a
Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr Laura

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or
phone number

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A
spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used
on anyone too eager to share their life stories
with total strangers

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome

[Kathy in Alaska]

Good morning Troops, families, veterans, Canadian, Israeli, Great Britain, Australian, New Zealand, and Taiwanese allies (and everybody else). Thank you for helping to take such good care of the USA.

Today in Anchorage, Alaska:

Sunrise 8:14am
Sunset 6:12pm

Hi 38F
Lo 32F

Showers of rain and snow

Actual yesterday in Anchorage:

Hi 34F
Lo 29F

State Hi 46F Palmer
State Lo -33F Barrow

[Kathy in Alaska]

Bless This House sung along with this morning,
twice because I love this song for our troops USO Canteen, and
Prayer of Protection said for all who enter the USO Canteen Freeper Style,
including our troops, our veterans, their families and our allies.
Welcome to all who come to honor our troops and veterans,
for whom this USO Canteen was created.

A PRAYER OF PROTECTION

The light of God surround you
The love of God enfold you
The power of God protect you
The presence of God watch over you
Wherever you are, God is,
And all is well.
Amen.

Wherever you are, God is, and all is well!

[Kathy in Alaska]

Thank you, Cindy, for stopping by the Canteen to help honor our troops and to help counteract the liberal media. And thank you for your familie's prayers. All of our prayers for our troops are so extra necessary now.

And please thank your husband for his service to our country.

[tomkow6]

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious
womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car
round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the
time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished.

"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an
emergency."

"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."

[tomkow6]

A PARTICULARLY DIPLOMATIC MAJOR in my Air Force squadron
was often called to fly with senior-ranking pilots on
training flights, a task junior officers don't relish,
given the possibility of bruising top-brass egos. One week,
he flew a B-52 with the four-star commander on Monday, and
the next day with the three-star deputy commander. The
three-star was proud of his flight in the old bomber and
asked how he stacked up against his boss. "Well, sir," the
major answered, "I'd say the commander flew about one star
better."

[tomkow6]

I DIDN'T REALIZE how deep the interservice rivalry between
the Navy and the Marine Corps ran until just before my
son's birth. At a prenatal checkup, I asked my
obstetrician, a Navy officer, what type of anesthesia he
was planning to use. "You're a Marine officer's wife,
aren't you?" he said.
"Yes," I answered.
"Well, then," he replied, "you get to bite on a silver
bullet."