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Eric Holder Takes $77 Million Job With JPMorgan Chase
the daily currant ^ | 9/26/14 | staff

Posted on 09/28/2014 1:09:28 PM PDT by Nachum

Just after announcing his resignation as U.S. attorney general, Eric Holder has accepted a top job with Wall Street finance giant JPMorgan Chase.

Starting in early November, Holder will serve as JPMorgan Chase’s chief compliance officer, where his responsibilities will include lobbying Congress on the company’s behalf and ensuring it “gets the best deal possible” from any new proposed financial regulations. Holder will also fetch morning coffee and breakfast orders for CEO Jamie Dimon and board members.

For his efforts, Holder will earn an annual salary of $77 million plus bonuses for a job well done.

In a statement, Holder said taking a job at JPMorgan Chase was the logical next step in his career, given the revolving door between financial companies and the government officials who are supposed to regulate these companies.

“By joining JPMorgan Chase, I’m simply cutting out the middleman -- the U.S. Justice Department -- and going to work directly for the great Jamie Dimon,” he said. “Plus, when Jamie Dimon calls you, or one of his many secretaries calls you, you pick up the phone immediately. Seriously, that’s what we do here in Washington.”

(Excerpt) Read more at dailycurrant.com ...


TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: allsatire; eric; holder; jpmorgan; moresatire; satire; thisissatire
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To: Nachum

what an absolute waste of $77 million. why not just crap on the money and set it on fire.


101 posted on 09/28/2014 4:45:53 PM PDT by isom35
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To: DoughtyOne

http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/09/26/us-jpmorgan-probes-holder-idUSBRE98P0NW20130926

While Dimon did meet with holder earlier last week my guess is this story is all fantasy.


102 posted on 09/28/2014 5:03:49 PM PDT by rodguy911 (FreeRepuplic:Land of the Free because of the Brave--Sarah Palin our secret weapon)
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To: Scarpetta

“I don’t like your tone.”

I apologize for that, but while reading the piece, it was apparent that it was satire.
However, I do understand that satire by definition is reflective of actual events and some may not of that the following quote was fabricated.

“We are extremely pleased to have Eric Holder, a dear friend and and tireless advocate for the interests of Wall Street, join our prestigious financial services firm where he belongs,” Dimon said in a press release. “Considering the awful s**t we did — and boy did we do a lot of sleazy, ugly, ethically insidious s**t — Mr. Holder always stood in our corner and defended us no matter what. Hell, I even got a 74 percent raise out of it!”


103 posted on 09/28/2014 5:04:20 PM PDT by Oliviaforever
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To: Nachum
You were getting me until I got to this part. "Holder will also fetch morning coffee and breakfast orders for CEO Jamie Dimon and board members."

How I wish it were true.

104 posted on 09/28/2014 5:04:59 PM PDT by Spunky
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To: rodguy911

Some of the other folks had said essentially the same thing. I agree that this must be bogus.

I doubt many savvy businesses out there would want this guy.

His history probably wouldn’t support him in a top level job search.

The guy is damaged goods at the end of the day.


105 posted on 09/28/2014 5:23:34 PM PDT by DoughtyOne (Obama and the Left are maggots feeding off the flesh of the United States.)
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To: Nachum

Has to be satire.


106 posted on 09/28/2014 5:34:32 PM PDT by griswold3 (I was born here in America. I will die here in a third world country. Obama succeeded.)
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To: newfreep; Parley Baer

First word in Keywords: allsatire...


107 posted on 09/28/2014 5:38:41 PM PDT by Carriage Hill ( Some days you're the windshield, and some days you're the bug.)
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To: DoughtyOne

I did a quick search this story basically has one source,never a good sign.


108 posted on 09/28/2014 5:39:47 PM PDT by rodguy911 (FreeRepuplic:Land of the Free because of the Brave--Sarah Palin our secret weapon)
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To: Nachum

This isn’t appearing anywhere else.


109 posted on 09/28/2014 5:41:56 PM PDT by cynwoody
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To: DoughtyOne

My guess is that holder will get big bucks when he’s gone,or already has we just won’t hear about it


110 posted on 09/28/2014 5:42:26 PM PDT by rodguy911 (FreeRepuplic:Land of the Free because of the Brave--Sarah Palin our secret weapon)
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To: rodguy911

Good point...


111 posted on 09/28/2014 5:43:36 PM PDT by DoughtyOne (Obama and the Left are maggots feeding off the flesh of the United States.)
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To: rodguy911

Hey may. I’d sure love to see some of his treachery come back to bite him on the posterior.


112 posted on 09/28/2014 5:44:09 PM PDT by DoughtyOne (Obama and the Left are maggots feeding off the flesh of the United States.)
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To: Parley Baer
I looked for the satire tag but did not see one.

If you click through, the last paragraph is pretty blatant:

“We are extremely pleased to have Eric Holder, a dear friend and and tireless advocate for the interests of Wall Street, join our prestigious financial services firm where he belongs,” Dimon said in a press release. “Considering the awful s**t we did -- and boy did we do a lot of sleazy, ugly, ethically insidious s**t -- Mr. Holder always stood in our corner and defended us no matter what. Hell, I even got a 74 percent raise out of it!

113 posted on 09/28/2014 5:44:47 PM PDT by cynwoody
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To: cynwoody

Pretty sure it is satire :(


114 posted on 09/28/2014 5:55:38 PM PDT by Nachum (Obamacare: It's. The. Flaw.)
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To: clintonh8r
You can remember 1999? Kudos!

Remember that 1994 Microsoft acquisition story?

115 posted on 09/28/2014 5:59:16 PM PDT by cynwoody
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To: All
For the "this is all too believable crowd"

Sarah Palin: ‘Don’t Forget Your Umbrella’ During Solar Storm.

116 posted on 09/28/2014 6:03:13 PM PDT by TomServo
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To: Nachum

I doubt seriously anyone would pay a person 77 mil.


117 posted on 09/28/2014 6:13:58 PM PDT by freekitty (Give me back my conservative vote; then find me a real conservative to vote for)
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To: DoughtyOne

I doubt it he’s too well connected and knows where all the bones are bur6ied. Both in the hillary and ozero dogpatch.He’d get Breitbarted before doing any jail time.


118 posted on 09/28/2014 6:40:51 PM PDT by rodguy911 (FreeRepuplic:Land of the Free because of the Brave--Sarah Palin our secret weapon)
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To: Nachum; GeronL

That sounds like 1%er salary.

That or a kickback.

Isn’t there some sort of quarantine that they go into before taking lucrative private sector money?


119 posted on 09/28/2014 7:03:25 PM PDT by a fool in paradise (Hey Obama: If Islamic State is not Islamic, then why did you give Osama Bin Laden a muslim funeral?)
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To: Nachum

Selling out to Whitey!


120 posted on 09/28/2014 8:41:28 PM PDT by Candor7 (Obama fascism article:(http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/05/barack_obama_the_quintessentia_1.html))
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