Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Well, you have to admit that some are :-). In fact, I would guess that all of them scream on occasion, and are brats now and then ...
that is what this homo-advocate-author wanted.
I think you are a$$-backwards. Had you 'grown up' before you had kids....my bet is you never would of had them.
1 of the 3 top reasons for divorce, one spouse wants a child, the other doesn't. And better yet, if you have one, and she still didn't want it, 99% chance she will love the baby, she will be hostile towards you. I see it all the time. This, like money should be agreed to in writing before ANYBODY gets married.
Very true. :) But that is not all they are, and I think it's a shame to view them in only an unflattering way. If having children can't be a positive experience, there wouldn't be so many who DELIBERATELY have more than one. :)
Possibly. I don't think he would have to have an agenda for this to happen, though. :(
It's definitely your decision not to have babies, but I can assure you, they don't *always* scream, and aren't *always* brats.
Just at night...
When you are trying to sleep...
But they napped and are bored and WIDE AWAKE.
But the positives have outweighed the negatives for me, at least! :o)
Sometimes they are screaming brats, no doubt.
Other times they are funny, loving, or interesting.
Yeah, right.
Have fun on all those riding trails.
My three little nephews are adorable and are always well behaved when Uncle Clemenza is around. I can tolerate (and even enjoy) children in small doses.
True - we do know where they're coming from :-). Just the atmosphere of the thread, probably ... people are going to extremes.
I know that some of my friends are bitter about getting married so young and having kids. They had to follow the rest of society and feel they were short-changed in life.
Have you asked her why? Like in a comfortable setting while she is in a good mood?
Also, sometimes just backing off can help. She might feel pressured or have fears about it. Then boom, one day she says lets do it on her own. (I am a guy so my advice may be bunk)
But dont let the disagreement tear you apart. Be patient.
OK.
I was going to post something along the same lines... that there is much risk with pressuring someone who is unwilling, to make such a move, no matter which of the pair is reluctant. The marriage may certainly not survive such a pressured decision. And the marriage may not survive disagreement over such a fundamental life decision. There is risk either way, the only difference is the number of people affected by the divorce.
My friend who just had her baby never said she wanted to be a mother until she married a man who wanted children. Even pregnant, she never said it. I'd say, "Are you happy about this?" she'd say "Tim is". Time will tell how well this goes.
I'm glad you have a good relationship with your nephews... I'm sure they appreciate it, and will appreciate it more as they get older. It can be fun for you, too. If I didn't have kids (I tried for 10 years before having my daughter), I planned to be "Crazy Old Aunt Penny" with 12 cats and 15 pomeranians.
Ah, the best laid plans...
Having children certainly does not make us more spiritual. However, I find that being a parent keeps me on my knees and makes me utterly dependent on the Lord for wisdom and grace. Love in action helps us move past our selfishness and do what is good for another. I do appreciate your post. God does demonstrate His love--which is unconditional--through Jesus Christ. Through our relationships--work, family, friends, community, He will comform us into His image. It's not always easy, but great is the blessing!
God bless you!
I say because of temporary insanity. j/k I have five. I'm really insane. ;-)
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